So this weekend I started to watch the series Sex/Live on Netflix that gives the good depiction of the mindset of a WW wife. What is extremely telling in the story is that she is purely acting on emotion. It starts out as a fantasy about an ex BF, then turns into an EA and I am guessing that it will turn into a PA. Logically she knows she has everything that a woman dreams about growing up. Good looking loving husband, big house, kids, career. Her husband is letting some things slips in the romance department, some equipment issues and his work is a priority. But for all intents and purposes they have an incredible life.
I must warn you that if you are married man this show may really rub you the wrong way. Its pathetic how this stuff is so sensationalized but has interesting insight to the WW mindset touching on losing yourself, post partum depression and MLC.
So I know I'm a bit behind, but finally watched the series...
First, definitely trashy affair/D porn.
Second, interestingly the kids' gender & ages are identical to mine during my sitch. At one point Sasha tells Cooper that Billie is going through a post-partum MLC "thing". I haven't thought of that angle recently, but definitely thought a lot early on about whether post-partum played a factor, along with weaning breastfeeding and pausing ADs, as W was also nasty to D1 for awhile and there were a lot of drug and hormone changes in the 6 months before BD.
The butterfly allusion was not at all subtle. Billie says "She can’t breath in there. She’ll die if you don’t let her go."
Cooper says “Where’s my beautiful girl?” referring to the daughter not the wife, who was looking for love and validation and clearly disappointed, even if he was being a great dad.
Billie mentions having already done 73 of the Karma Sutra positions before marriage. There's a discussion on some of the online resources about how a higher "body count" makes it more likely to end in affairs or divorce because of the experiences you're missing and a higher chance you've encountered a "the one who got away"
Billie mentions the "stability and sanity" Cooper offered – my ExW said “stability” was one of the reasons she married for me
In the flashback Brad did a good job with seduction by leaning in for the kiss but then kind of psyching Billie out by not kissing her and instead saying “I want to show you something”...building the sexual tension.
For awhile Cooper was glossing over the clear issues, and instead buying presents and taking her on dates. It's discussed on here a lot if there's an affair going on the extra attention from both parties is a morale booster for the WS.
Billie says “this is what a sweetheart does when he reads your journal. He doesn’t get mad; he gets busy. Trying to give you what you want, what your impossibly sexy ex-boyfriend gave you ten years ago.” She's enjoying the cake eating.
The snooping definitely impacted Cooper's attitude and bitterness towards Billie and made him waiver on R at times. No way to say whether it would've changed the end result though.
There were times Billie reached out but Cooper pushed back out of bitterness. She wanted to have sex with him in the shower but he responds with “The service lights on in the jag still. When are you going to get that fixed?”, which clearly upsets her
Brad's issues (no relationship) with dad and his mom’s new husband / stepfather had big impacts on his relationship.
Cooper kept trying to recreate a sexual memories for Billie to please and fulfill her "it's what she wants", but could never compete with the fantasy
Brad's coworker says "You’ve been playing this 'nice guy' for so long and look where that’s gotten you!" We talk about NGS on here a lot.
Brad's coworker says "You’re so focused on work. You’re busy being super dad. You’ve forgotten about you." I've heard about this in the online self-help videos I've seen about losing your purpose and sense of self can cause a decline in the relationship and respect. Guys think, myself included, if we provide with the career and are a great dad that's enough. Another Stander had a post on someone's thread recently about how the kids will grow up and you'll have less time with them regardless of the D, so you have to find interests and hobbies for your own life.
Billie pushes back like a typical WS and says “You read my journal, that’s what started all this!” Rolling my eyes. We just had a big discussion on Michka's thread about our spouses blaming us more for snooping than their affairs.
Billie says “It had been such a long time. You weren’t touching me. Why not?” She needed love and validation and a sense of desire...not just the career and father to her kids.
Cooper says to Billie “You keep treating me like some B grade consolation prize. It’s making me sick.” How often on this board do we mention the LBS being the WAS's "Plan B". The show explicitly calls it out.
Sasha says “He’s damaged, B. All that [censored] with his dad?” Again...daddy issues impacting the relationship. (my W had cut her dad out for 5 years and he didn't attend our wedding).
Cooper to Billie: “It’s not all in my head. There is something going on between you two” How’d you get home, his motorcycle?” “Nothing happened” Clear example of dealing with gaslighting.
“Copper this is our marriage, we need to fix this.” “I know and I’m trying but There is something going on here that has nothing to do with me.” I've been told many times by various people that it's not all me...ExW is dealing with her own issues and just focusing her anger at me. I've see it discussed on this board that the WAS is dealing with their own sitch, and it's not always about the LBS.
"85% of my marriage is the stuff that people dream about, but 15%...sex. Desire, feeling desired. Freedom to be anyone and do anything. Cooper is trying to give me anything, but it’s just not the same." Incredible how 85% isn't enough. Her counselor friend says the guy who is stable can't provide the thrill and excitement, but someone maybe Brad can do both? That didn't make sense. Thing is, if you chase the 15% you're likely to lose a good portion of the 85%. But, I know...logic vs. emotions.
Counselor to Bille: “Isn’t that why you came to me? I’m the guy who doesn’t believe any of that ‘death do us part’ crap” I found this especially interesting. The show explicitly raised the question of whether she sought out the counselor because she KNEW didn't think monogamy was the answer and his feedback would validate through logic and reason her emotional actions towards Billie. My ExW reached out to only the folks who had their own affairs/Ds or would back up her actions, and specifically put aside the people who would tell her to work on the marriage. Seem to be another common thread.
Interesting to see the social blow back from other woman about Billie's affair. Don't think it's fair to put that on a 4yo, but do sometimes wonder if ExW is getting any vibes/put downs around town for what she did. I thought there would be more of a stigma, but it seems like people just smile and be friendly to her anyway (though obviously what I see is very limited).
Season 2 Prediction: Billie has some fun with Brad who inevitably leaves her for the 500th time, and now she’s stuck with 50% of her young kids’ lives in a downsized house chasing both the 15% and the 85%???
So I finished the series last night. Not to spoil it but the moral of the story is that 85% of your life can be absolutely amazing and its ok if that isn't enough. You deserve to have at all no matter if it destroys to everyone around you.
Great job Netflix! lol.
Ugh. It'd be nice for once if the WAS was painted as the awful party and their life blew up due to their waywardness! LOL
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
This woman was always looking for someone to make her happy rather than happiness from within herself.
This is actually one of my major take-aways from this board and other resources over the last year and a half, and I now have a much better understanding of the concept. Happiness has to come from within; other people can not be responsible for our happiness. Just like a shiny new thing, the validation and excitement a new relationship brings fades after awhile and you revert back to your previous level if you don't address yourself internally.
Getting back to the series. I know women who have been single for many, many years who would give their right arm to be married a Cooper. I also know women who have been married for many years who would give their right arm for Brad. People in general want what they don't have mainly because they are not happy with themselves and they think what's missing will make them happy. Such is life.