BL42, personal preference, but the Surviving the Big D group are all focused on a future without their X. If you still hope to R and are trying to maximize those chances I’d probably stay here. If you’re only going to update every 3 months or so I’d stay here where more people know you. Otherwise, join the dark side!. wink
Staying in "For Newcomers" for another thread. Not hoping for an R at this point - W has been living with OM2 for 9-10 months so even if she did a dramatic 180 and changed her mind don't think I stomach taking her back at this point - that said, the D is fresh so who knows what I may encounter in the next 6 months. I'll stick with the folks here who are most familiar with my sitch.
Summary: My Ex & I were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S6/D2). 17 months ago we had a nice family vacation in Disney. Two weeks later she says we need a break and I find out within a day she's in a EA with a married co-worker and confirm PA not long after. I spend months pursuing, chasing, begging, snooping...etc., during IHS caring for the children as she has to "go into work early" and "stay late" and putting the kids to bed by myself, playing nice family, all while I know very well exactly what she's up to. Finally get her into marriage counseling where she complains about me in the 1st session, admits the affair in the 2nd, and says she wants a divorce in the 3rd. Affair w/OM1 blows up when his W and HR/administration at their work finds out.
Instead of coming back to the marriage and working things out she starts dating OM2, moves out and files for divorce. I had been reading other resources but find Divorce Busting last Summer and stop all pursuit, and limit engagement with her to kids and divorce process via email. Ex-W has been dating OM2 for roughly a year (before we separated) and living with him for 10 months (we've been divorced less than a month). He essentially moved in with my children the month after (or maybe same month) she moves out, which I hated for my kids sake, but consulted multiple attorneys who all say there's nothing I can do about it - the law and courts don't care. D is finalized last month. I win big on finances as she and her L aren't on the ball. I have 50/50 with the kids on paper, but in practice much much more.
I was severely depressed the first 6 months, started turning that around last Summer after IHS with an affair in my face ended and also when I could start hanging with friends again. Did IC initially, but stopped when my counselor kept saying I was doing everything right and wasn't sure how much more she could help. I improved over the next 6 months and am even better in the last 6 months as we approach a year and a half. I did have a breakdown or two when reviewing the divorce settlement and when it was finalized, and I'm having points of anger boil up at times which I need to continue processing and dealing with, but overall much better. I'm back on track at work, volunteered to coach S6's sports teams this year, joined an adult sports league, reading/watching tons of divorce and self-improvement books/videos, joined a religious-based D support group. Mostly dedicating my time to the kids, but also getting out for food & drinks, golf...etc. with friends on my very limited "off-time". I avoided dating completely while still married, which I'm proud of - think it was the right thing to do morally, and also best for my kids.
Reflecting on my Ex-W's past, there were warning signs I didn't appreciate. Both her parents were married 3 times, found out as a teen her mom was having an affair and divorced her dad and has issues around that, she was in IC and on ADs since she was a teen, has cut multiple very close friends and family out of her life, and always seems to be your "bestie"...until she's not.
Reflecting on my MR, there were warning signs of SSM not long into the marriage and perhaps even before which I should've taken more seriously . I had definitely built up some frustration and resentment over that. There were times I probably was too critical and times I could've been more empathic and caring. However, overall I was a pretty decent husband and an excellent father. I'm willing to accept my shortcomings and improve them, but honestly feel the divorce is much more to do about her than me.
So here I am...never wanted divorce or my family to break apart apart Ex-W choose that path and I've learned it's beyond my control. I'm doing much much better overall.
The only real update since my last post is Ex-W dropped off S6 & D2 to me - despite it being her time with the them - to go on vacation to the Caribbean (assuming w/OM2). She's done that a few times now. I feel bad for the kids they're not W's priority, but also happy for the time with them.
This is how I would handle the current situation at hand:
Ignoring it all together is not the solution. Itâ€™s just going to hamper any further communication and trust me , with a 3 and a 6 year old, you want to make going forward as easy for yourself as possible.
So this is my suggestion .
Reach out to your ex W. Kindly ask that all requests for kids on your custody time be done directly between the two of you. It really is appropriate. The SIL of OM is not a friend or acquaintance of yours to be asking for that.