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AndrewP, DnJ
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by neffer
neffer
Thank you all. Thanks for giving me the tools to see through my mist. So thank you Sandi, Vanilla, AnotherStander, for the wisdom shared, patience and dedication. Gordi, Cocconut, Joseph9, Maika, for the honorable journey that you share with us, AndrewP, Gordie, Caliguy, EasTN, Zues, Artista, Parkema, Doodler for the truth behind the jokes, always appreciated. And thanks to all of you who shared your life stories. I am sharing mine now.

I decided I could not start my sitch apologizing. It got to be being grateful to the community in this site. I came across DB more than a year ago looking for answers. I was returning from the twilight zone and my head was a mess. I was looking for myself and I am still searching. I am a perfectionist, so the decision to write my story has to go through my stupid filters. It is a long way from mind to action I am sorry for not having shared it sooner.

I am a (former?) wayward husband. 24ys R and 19 ys M. Have a 13ys S. W had uterine cancer 13ys ago, S was a baby then so he is our only child. The light of our lives. W and I worked shifts raising up S. She works the mornings (still does) and I worked afternoon till 22hs. So rarely spent time together as a couple during the weeks. As S grew up we were still drifting apart. Each of us having health related stressing jobs. We always worked hard trying to get a living. Things where we live are not easy but it is what it is. We had jobs related with what we both studied for, no complains. Sharing time during weekends and trying to be a happy family after all.

OW was a single mother. Came to work where I did and was considered a very professional worker. Ass time went by we became friends , I felt the need to protect her, being a single mother, struggling to raise her S (I recently found some answers for those feelings I had at that time). After an year and a half OW started pushing and I did not knew how to cope with. I am writing this after some years of IC and some truth developments in my life. Things have changed in my head from that time: my inner journey to myself In that time I felt the need to be accepted, some NGS and things related with that kind of personality. It was very hard for me to say NO to something. That took me to the abyss. My work mates where all into the wayward atmosphere so they all started pushing to link me with OW. One of them was a kinder friend, we had more than 45ys of friendship. He was a long friend with OW too. So they all knew of my problems with my W and started questioning about my happiness. So depression started to develop. And OW started to push forward.

As I previously stated, all of this findings came to light after myself going to IC. I do not mean to avoid taking responsibility of my actions. I am the main responsible for my wrong decisions. I did not knew how to cope with the feelings I had developed to OW. I remember waiting for the weekends to avoid seeing OW at work. But she kept pushing and we started the PA. After that I got lost in the fog of sex addiction, manipulation and lies. Relation with OW was the on-off type. I knew I did wrong and depression kept growing. I lied to W, I betrayed family. I tried to finish R with OW so many times but it was impossible because of being together at work. We kept that kind of relation 2 years. On and off. I was destroyed inside, keeping my family on one side and OW on the other. I am very sorry for what I became, some kind of Mr Jekyll and Hyde. I left my family home two times. Once for a week and then for a month. I went to my mothers house, where I was raised. But every time I came back home: I always felt the need to protect my family, my W and S. The feeling of leaving W and S was overwhelming. My W did not knew nothing of my double life of course. Nobody who knew me would imagine that happening. I felt so low

After ending things with OW for the 1000s time, she contacted my W and told her everything. I begged, pleaded, cried she gave me the chance to stay in M. And I took it. We went to MC and I went to IC. My mind was destroyed. The addiction to OW was very strong. OW was the love of my life, my soul mate, we were to be together till the end of time. Ahh, those feelings
My W did not make me work hard to get back to M. And I quitted IC and left again some months later and went to the on/off relation with OW. I read here that WW leave looking for freedom. I felt that too. I needed to be free. Well, you do not find freedom leaving your family. You find freedom taking care of your mind problems, of your own history. Depression was growing again and I started looking for answers. Went to IC again. I was exploring my big MLC. I missed my W and S and could not live without them. I told OW that for the 1001 time. I needed to go home. And my W let me came back. Still looking for answers.

What I found my father died 25 years ago. I was 23 then. I have a brother and a sister. I am the older one. I met my W one year after my father passed away. She only saw photos of him. The day we got married she heard some people who were from my mothers town talking about me. That I looked just like my father. And she said no, he is quite different, his brother and sister are the ones that look like him. What she got as an answer made her shudder: he was not his father, his father is alive Well, W never told me what she heard. And she felt I lied to her not telling about my living father. I did not knew that. Sometimes, when we had an argument she stated that she knew my secret, sometimes it was my mothers secret. She was mean about that. And I began thinking what it could be. That discussion took years and years and was one factor of our drift away too. I was afraid of asking my mother unconsciously I knew the truth. I remember confronting W and saying I know the truth, my father was not my father I do not really why I said it, nobody told me that. I knew it. Anyway, I consider my father was the one who raised me. We had a hard relationship, maybe if I had known he was not my father but he took me as a son I always struggled of not knowing how to love him when I was a teenager. It is hard to have that feelings about a parent. My father was not my friend and I did not knew why. I am sorry for not knowing how to love you dad, really sorry.

After returning home I asked mom about the truth. I had asked the same earlier. She denied, offered some well planned arguments and partial truths I never met my grandfathers but I was named after both of them, they had the same name (and it is not a common name). I believed her. Then my W told me my real fathers name and I went looking for information. I found the telephone number of my real aunt and I called after getting over my fears of discovering the truth. I called and she happily answered I have been always expecting this call you are my nephew. So I confirmed what I knew deep down inside. Confronted mom and told my brother and sister. Now I am struggling to meet my real father. I have not contacted him and I do not want to do it. W and IC are pushing me to change my mind and this is where I am now. Going to meet aunt soon she lives in another country. There is more that I am not telling you, like OW getting mixed in social media with my real aunt, or my mom or my brothers, trying to burn my bridges back to my M. OW thinks she is the one to save me and to show me happiness. I do not agree with her.

Last year, I came across DB forum. Read Sandi posts about wayward feelings. All matched. Soul mate feelings and so on. I read for months, then started posting. My W did not make me work hard to get back to my M but I know I must do it myself. So I consider myself and addict and go day by day. I do not drink much alcohol, never tried any drug, even a common cigarette. But I got OW affair addicted. And I am fighting that. This is my 3rd year free of all of that. OW and her close friends had to move to another work facility even though I was in NC mode before that. W and I are closer day by day. OW visits my mind every day, mostly sex related memories so I take it for what it is now my mind playing addiction games that I will not follow. I am stronger now and above all I live with the truth. I carry the scar of what I did but I am still alive. I made the right choice. Love is a choice and I choose my family.

Sorry for taking so long to write. It is real hard for me to tell my story. I apologize for my writing too, English is not my native language. Thanks, thanks, thanks to all of you, You saved my life. Thanks.


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by neffer
neffer
Yep...I know...I´m the ghost reader.

Just logging to say to @DnJ: thank you for all you have shared with us. Thank you.
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