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We have a thing at this forum called a 2x4 (which refers to a big long piece of construction timber, 2 inches by 4 inches). Sometimes we joke about people needing to get hit over the head with it, so they’ll wake up and see what everyone else is seeing.
I sorta feel like I need to dish one out to you… but don’t take it the wrong way, it comes from a place of love and kindness. We can see from your posts that you’re struggling. We all want the best for you.
Having said that, here it is:
1. As usual, bttrfly is right on the money. Divorce Busting is a book. It’s a technique. And lastly, it’s a support forum. It seems you’ve skipped all the steps and you’re just here looking for answers. What you need to do, is set apart three hours/day for a few weeks to do some homework. You MUST read cadet’s welcome thread. Read ALL the links contained within. You need to order the Divorce Busting book, and maybe the Divorce Remedy book too. At the top of this Newcomers sub forum, there’s a sticky post about good books to read. You need to read Michele’s books, and then choose five more. DB is not a website with quick fix answers. You need to go back to fundamentals and start from the start.
2. While you’re pretty new here, your posts are ALL about your husband and trying to analyse his behaviour. Lots of posters have given you good things to think about, but generally you keep coming back saying “husband did xyz, husband said xyz, husband is acting like this because…” in the end, it doesn’t really matter. There’s no silver bullet here. In fact, trying to understand our crazy spouse’s behaviour after bomb drop is a one way ticket to madness. He is doing what he is doing. You can’t change any of it. What this forum specialises in is helping YOU. What are your needs, what are your wants, what were your flaws in the relationship and how are you going to fix your side of the bargain.
3. Most of the time, posters arrive here and each new topic they start is 10 pages long, then they start a new one. Sometimes after the third or fourth new topic (so 3-400 replies about their situation), some of the problems become more obvious and the veterans on this site can see the unhealthy dynamic in the old relationship and provide advice. In your case, you were about two posts in when it became very clear to me that there’s some really unhealthy things going on here - including in the way you sometimes defend your husband’s, well frankly, sickening behaviour.
To that end, I’m going to reiterate that I think a lot of the dynamic here (such as his severe gaslighting of you) is beyond the scope of this forum’s help. Certainly for me, I don’t have the foggiest idea where to start in addressing some of the issues here because they’re WAY out of our depth. Perhaps the real veterans like Ready2Change, BL42, LH19, Job, DnJ (who are also just really lovely people) have seen this stuff before and can be helpful. But IMHO, your situation needs immediate and professional intervention.
I highly recommend you seek out psychological therapy for yourself.
In terms of your husband, you should suggest he do the same - but whether he does or not is not your problem to fix. He needs help, and dare I suggest it, but I feel really uncomfortable that he could potentially do something really stupid. What if you decide to move on and proceed with a divorce, and then his skanky OW dumps him? Who knows what someone in his situation might do if his bullsh*t fantasy of wife at home waiting and pining for him plus skanky foreign hoe on the side all comes crashing down. He doesn’t sound well at all.
Just to make it clear, I’m not suggesting you stop posting. Keep coming here every day and updating us, seeking advice, telling us about it all. We are your friends and that’s what we are here for.
In summary:
You need to tell him to get professional support and then forget about him. Stop analysing, stop making excuses for him, stop being his support blanket. He’s going to have to hitch up his big boy pants and look after his own dumpster fire while you retreat into and take care of yourself.
You need to start Divorce Busting at the start. Welcome thread - all the links - MWD’s books.
You and your husband need to be in therapy. There’s lots of red flags here. Prioritise it. And if you don’t like or click with the counsellor or psychologist, find a different one.
