Bat,
Originally Posted by Bat
Originally Posted by DnJ
Give plenty of time and space. And definitely no R talks.

Going dark is a mechanism for you to heal and regain your balance. It is not a strategy for getting H through his turmoil, or influencing him, or some such. Going dark is not punishment either.

Thank you for this. It does feel a bit like a strategy or punishment.
The space is just as much for you as it is for him if not more. You need to detach from him for your own mental well-being. It has the side effect of making him wonder why you're not pursuing and perhaps if he made a mistake. It won't happen overnight and will probably take some time, but go dark for you.

Originally Posted by Bat
My ex abused me physically and emotionally.
That's awful. How did you address the effects of this abuse? Did you seek IC?

Originally Posted by Bat
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her.
It sounds like you and MC endorsed him sleeping with OW to "get it out of his system? Hindsight is always 20/20, but this was a very bad decision. Not that you could stop him from doing it anyway, but it sounds very wrong for you and MC to give him your blessing.

Why was this wrong? Otherwise as you said it would stick in his system this was exactly what he said.
Or instead of getting it out of his system he'd want it more and not want to give it up - endorsing your spouse to have sex with another person is rarely a solution to a troubled marriage.

Originally Posted by Bat
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
Again, bad decision. Do not ever let yourself be treated like that and disrespected. Next time you walk away with your head held high and never look back. Let me come back begging if he wants.

I choose to allow it, he was open about doing it anyway so no disrespect in my opinion.
Agree to disagree then. But I'd ask...how has this approach been working for you?

Originally Posted by Bat
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.
Again, you're letting him "eat cake". Don't be a doormat. If he wants to meet up w/OW he doesn't get you.

He did respect that I didn’t allow him talking to her in the house so he went out to do it in his car. This was his way of showing respect. I did tell him the phonecalls are over when you come back.
Your H is in another country with OW and says he doesn't want to give her up. How is that showing respect?

Originally Posted by Bat
Pff yes I know but it’s hard. He is my only friend to be honest and not speaking to him would mean not speaking to anybody. We also have a dog so need to communicate about that.
What do you mean not speaking to anybody? Do you have a support network (friends, family...etc)?

Originally Posted by Bat
I know this is a stupid question but do you think the A will last months or even years?
Almost certainly months. Very possibly years. And, even if it ends with OW there's no gaurantee he comes back...it could be OW2 or OW3.

Bat I came back from a family vacation with my W 4yo son and 1yo daughter on which I thought we had a pretty good time. A week or two later my W said she thinks we need to separate and within 24 hrs I found out about OM. I google every statistic about affairs I could find, seeing they usually last 3 months or 6 months or up to 3 years. So I assumed I'd be the 3 months and by Summer we'd be back on track. Because it was crazy to me to even think about separating/divorcing with two young kids, a nice house, good careers, and pretty decent situation overall (not much fighting, no abuse...etc, etc.). For months I took care of S4 and D1 while W "worked late" and "went in early". Eventually the affair did end when their employeer and OM's W found out. But guess what? W started dating OM2, moved out, filed for D, and moved OM2 in.

Point is...don't rely on a hopeful timeline. Don't rely on your H suddenly "coming around" and wanting to R. The ONLY thing you can control is you. Focus all of your energy on yourself. Go to IC. Go to the gym. Exercise regularly. Take up new hobbies. Meet new people. Those are the things that are going to make you feel better about yourself and coincidentally more attractive to your H and other people.