I think it’s a bit of both. However, I am leaning more towards the larger part is crisis, or a difficult life transition.
W has displayed depression for quite some time now. She won’t even speak to her Mom. You’ve mentioned that during her childhood she ignored or smoothed over conflict and drama, probably to an unhealthy degree. However she was a child and needed guidance, not her fault. Those early lessons follow a person into adulthood.
I find her not speaking to her Mom kind of telling. Something has stirred within her, and she defaulted to ignoring it. And she’s incorrectly projecting the target upon you.
Give time and space, no pressure, and hopefully she will realize you ain’t done anything lately to cause this, yet she’s still unhappy. Then she’ll consider - maybe it’s actually not Mike’s fault. Then, she’ll look inside.
A walk away. Hmmm. Well she ain’t yet walked away. She actually came back. Meals, dates, she’s even initiated sex, something that usually doesn’t happen when an OM is significantly in the picture. (My W told me she was faithful to OM. Lol. A married woman faithful to her affair. Weird times.)
Depression and confusion are two major hallmarks of a person within a crisis or emotional turmoil. The full blown crisis is consuming. The MLCer is driven to their behaviour and need to run from their torment. Your W appears not extremely driven, and not so consumed; hence a transition. Still, a transition is a time of emotional torment. Akin to a “mild” crisis.
There are many type of MLCer - vanisher (like mine), clinger, boomerang, and clingy boomerang. And their energies or drive comes in basically two type - high energy runner and low energy wallower. The high energy one expend tremendous energies running to not face their pain; and have an appearance, a need, a drive, a belief that they are absolutely right with their now life choices (that’s my W). The low energy ones will sit and brood and display their depression more. Both wear a mask, a facade, the wallower just lets it slip easier. Make no mistake, both are desperate to escape their feelings. And desperate people do desperate things. Both will display and partake in running behaviours, those activities to recapture their - what they feel is - missed youth.
And that is another major hallmark - what they feel. Their entire crisis and life and running is driven by what they feel. They are running from their feelings/pain. Almost all of their decisions are emotionally based. Reason and logic are no longer guiding principles, it’s all about ended their ceaseless torment. You can easily see how that would rack up the regrets and guilt. Which further propels them.
Interestingly, a MLCer settles into their particular type and energy level, and usually remains like that for their entire crisis. A major shift in a high energy behaviour may indicate awakening or just burning out. A wallower can just brood along.
As I said, a bit of both maybe.
So what to do?
Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.
The weekly meals sound promising. She is responding to you. Initiating sex. Is still there.
Now, don’t get ahead of yourself. Yes there are positive signs. Keep your expectations at zero, it is very likely she will flip and flop about for a while. Her life is a rollercoaster right now. No need for you to ride along. Be consistent with living your life. And let her lead the pace of things. Got to be pressure free.
Remain kind and cordial. Keep your cool. Find your peace regarding OM. Work through that, and let go of it. Nothing she can say or do will fix that. Your healing really does come from within you. A good thing, for you won’t have to wait around for something from her.
