It's been a strange week, which oddly seems to be the new normal in my life..
A week ago last Monday, was one of the roughest days I've had since she passed. I could not get everything out of my head, and by mid-day, I kinda had a meltdown of emotion washing through me.
It lasted a few hours and toward afternoon, I felt a sort of peace come over me. I can only assume that it was a release of sorts, everything leaving my head, and letting go of some things. I've been in that place since then...feeling some peace and relief with my new arrangement in life.
I have no clue what started things, or why they lasted as they did. It wasn't one thing in particular, more of a culmination of things all balled together that just let loose.
As the week went on, there were a couple things that popped up, and everything just 'felt' different. The way I heard things, the way I saw things, and certainly the way I dealt with things.
Everything with her Father came to a head shortly before the weekend. He had been in the hospital for a few days and got word that he has cancer now. His anxiety over her celebration, combined with this new news has me wondering if he is drinking again, which is entirely possible considering that he has no support system in place for his recovery. There have been no steps taken, and he isolates himself for days at a time.
I ask myself what would K do, or how would she want me to handle this situation for her. I feel that first off, she would tell me to walk away from anything that could possibly cause me to loose myself in the process. And she would ask me to help when I can, if I can without any major sacrifice of myself. She would verbalize that she appreciated everything that I did, and then her actions later would reaffirm that she did : )
She, on the other hand, would have been on the first flight out of town, and would be in charge of the Oncology ward by now....anyone that knows her certainly knows what I am talking about....that ferocity of hers....and as fierce as she was, even she had limits when it came to her family. She knew when to walk away from things. Typically just after she had whipped them into order... : )
I did have to lay a couple boundaries with him. We have opposite communication styles, and if he avoids me, then so be it. However, I had missed a call from him and he felt it necessary to berate me in text. Needless to say, that didn't end well for him. Number 1 and 2, well, this is supposed to be a PG rated forum.....Number 3 on my list was...Don't ever mistake my kindness for a weakness...
I seem to be sinking into "routine" once again. Life seems to just be there, so I am finding that I have to occasionally put myself out there, and force myself to 'do' things, even if I don't feel like doing them. I went to a Cider festival Saturday....sigh. Too hot, too unorganized, too many people there. I did find a couple that I liked though...
So things are moving along steadily for now. A couple more weeks until her service, which undoubtedly will be bittersweet. I am looking forward to meeting a lot of her family for the first time, and spending some time doing some things for me. I am going to do my own private thing, with just me and her on that Tuesday, which is our unofficial anniversary. One last goodbye to her on her earthly level. Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.
There will be several people from here that I hope to spend some time with actually...
It will be interesting to see if my new small level of peace continues through that. I almost expect a fallback of sorts to gain another step forward. Just can't get caught up in predicting future feelings.
I have some trigger days coming ahead of me too. so keeping those at bay may be difficult, or not.
I remember the words of the Pirate (ironically speaking) who once told me that trigger days are just regular days that WE place expectations on.....yea....well FU Fenn....you are the trigger.... : )
G, I did a couple things with bereavement services. It was laughable at the level that they participate in it. I had signed up for a couple services during the hospice intake, and when I finally heard from them over a month after she passed...well...
I have been thinking about doing some IC though. Just to work through things in my head...
