Life has kinda kicked me in the a$$ the past few days. Haven't been feeling well, had a couple other things that have added to that...
Woke the other morning to finding out that K's insurance money hit my account....
I hadn't thought of how that would affect me, or how deeply I would 'feel' that when it happened.
I felt cheap, and dirty with it. Like it was 'blood' money of sorts. When I was younger, material things had always played a part in life. We all want to achieve a certain 'status' that satisfies us to what our standards had been. Or at least the standards that we have been taught they should be, I know that my parents (being of an older generation) had always defined success through material possessions.
Status and material where certainly present during and through the divorce process. My Ex seemed to obsess about money, status, and material things. Yet, somewhere along the line, I had moved past that, and what was important to K and myself, was just the time that we spent together. We seriously could have lived in shack anywhere and been happy together.
In reading the text, I somehow felt that I traded her for money. I know it isn't the case whatsoever, yet it certainly 'felt' that way....those nasty feelings huh ??
What it does do, is to provide a little financial stability so that I can get my feet back under me and not have to worry about some things that were left unfinished in my life....
It will allow me to travel a bit, and do some things that I promised her that I would do. I want to take her home, back to the northeast state where she was from. Hoping to see some friends while I am there, and spend a few extra days doing some things for me.
And I'm finally at a point where I am embracing that this is her, trying to be there for me in the only way that is left. Some financial help , regardless how 'final' it feels. This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me....
I've always been a perspective person, and that life is all about how I see things. So finding my footing took a little time with it. I did have a couple message conversations to help me out. I did message with Mrs. 3 Beans since she had felt this too.... God how I miss the Pirate....
Drew...B-lady....thank you : )
With that, I've been trying to slow things down in my head a bit, trying to see what I want my life to look like moving forward with me. And I still haven't found any answers. The only thing that seems to be coming out is the remnants of this cold....eeeek....
It IS entirely possible, that this affected me more because I've had this cold kicking my as$ too....
For now though, there isn't anything that I HAVE to do today, other than breathe and take another step forward.....
