For me, the only choices I had were to move on from the MR or to remain in a relationship with him and his AP.
Starting to feel like this for me, though the AP is over the phone - texting and whatnot. No signs of slowing or stopping from what I can tell.
You have to wrap you mind around a realistic timeline. It's very unlikely to change day-by-day. Think long term. "This is a marathon not a sprint". Right now you may be thinking each day seems like a month but in a year or two you'll look back and see how quickly time went by.
Originally Posted by Doug54
That train is leaving the station on my end (W has not only a consultation for breast augmentation set, but an appointment date in a few months as well). I'm pretty sure she has gotten a Care Credit account in her name only, but at the moment we still have a joint checking account.
Did you consult a L yet? Get the information you need to reassure and protect yourself on the financial front.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Is this another term for in-home separation? Or where a common apartment (for example) is rented, and one parent is in the home while the other resides in the apartment, taking turns? W is very interested in this idea after hearing about it from some newly separated friends. I have mixed feelings about it and believe at least one poster on here recommended against it. On the other hand, it wouldn't completely involve me vacating my own home. It's not a long-term solution but perhaps equitable for a time.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree to a "Nesting" situation where you're switching weeks on and off between the home and a rented apartment. Almost every vet on the board will agree on that. Listen to the advice and read others sitches who agreed to nesting. How is your detachment going to be coming back to sleep in the house she brings another guy into? You shouldn't move out at all - if she wants to leave, she can, but it's your house.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I believe it came after the counselor was asking about the "best interests" of the children as far as whom might leave the house to begin a separation. The younger two kids gravitate more to W than me. So my ire was about being in this situation at all...in other words, why should I be tasked with leaving?
So Traveler nailed it, but this is a big no-no. #1 rule of BD'ing is no R talks and no fights/outbursts. It's totally understandable you'd be furious about the EA, but you need to get stronger emotionally and not let it show. Be cool, calm and collected. Project strength. Don't let anything phase you (at least visibly, fake it till you make it if you have to). Be mysterious and coy and have a wry smile. Make her wonder what you're thinking and why you're not begging her.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I thought I was inching towards the door of separation, just like W. I'm still uncertain and conflicted.
Your emotions are going to go back and forth. Don't make any rash decisions. Take time to let the emotions settle and think logitically.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I don't think things will get better without W getting a taste of separated life.
It's likely she's going to feel great and enjoy the freedom for awhile. Usually they're loving life...at first.
Originally Posted by Doug54
The two biggest factors for me right now are maintaining the two-parent stability in the house for the kids and of course, the comfort and familiarity of my own home that I bought and have worked on.
You have to accept you have no control over this. If she moves out, you can't stop her. But don't be the one to move out.
Originally Posted by Doug54
And yes, I am weak and still accepting the sexual crumbs that fall my way on a pretty consistent basis.
Time to get strong. Do you want to be having sex with your W who is involved with another man?
Doug54 - Hang in there. It's going to be a rollercoaster ride. Work on getting stronger emotionally. You will be fine, either way. You can do this.
