Yesterday she informed me tersely that she washed all the dishes (there were two of them and some spoons/forks, nothing of mine). And then added angrily that she had to do it only because I did not clear the dishwasher. We had just come back from a weekend activity one hour earlier, and I was fully occupied with housework after that while she was having her dinner. So, I didn't get the time to clear the dishwasher. Yet she thought that was a big problem. I was left wondering if she was really ignoring that I was busy (and hence deliberately nasty) or if she genuinely didn't see me running about across the floors doing multiple things. I assessed if the priority of things I did was wrong, but it was not. I also noted that clearing the dishwasher was neither on the agenda at that time nor did she request me to clear it. This is toxicity, and even more so post BD - pre-D. For LBS such as us, facing these situations while being able to identify them for what they are, allows us to put things in perspective while making our own decisions.
Looks like a missed opportunity to validate her emotions.
There is much more to her anger than it appears on the surface.
W (tersely):"I washed all the dishes" H:"Thank you. I appreciate how you keep the house clean." W(angrily):"I had to do it only because you did not clear the dishwasher" H:"You sound angry" W (even more angry)"of course i am angry..(more words from her)" H"I can see why that made you angry"
Let her be as angry as she wants. Show her you can "handle" her emotions. You stay calm and listen. Switch your thought process from arguing or justifying to She wants to be heard and understood.
The old timers here talked about "putting on your rain coat" and let the emotions from the spouse fly. I was ready for my X to do this, but she never did. She was already checked out. Put your raincoat on. Set boundaries when she is disrespectful.
