In a lot of ways I have forgiven. I'm not actively angry. Day to day we are great. I just haven't been able to totally let it go. I know that this is something I need to do for myself but it is a process and I don't want to force anything. I don't think he's forgiven me for the SSM either, fully-- we haven't really explored that together in therapy yet, and I think he needs to own his part of why our M was the way it was before the A too. Lots of work in front of us still, IMHO.
I know exactly what you mean about the difference between the PA part in the past and in the present or future. We were in a similar situation, where my H hadn't actually seen the woman for several months when he told me the full truth (that it was a PA; previously he had insisted it was only an EA). I felt that i could forgive him eventually for what had happened in the past but not if it happened again; previously, he could tell himself whatever he wanted about things I didn't know not hurting me, or this idea he had that I didn't/wouldn't really care because I didn't love him that way anymore, etc.-- but for him to go out and sleep with her again knowing how much it would hurt me was a totally different thing that I didn't think I could forgive. And, news flash, he had a trip planned to her city and told me it was necessary for him to break it off with her in person (everyone here was like BS BS BS!!!) and he did, and then told me months later that he had slept with her that one last time. I was devastated and actually this is a part of why I'm still not able to forgive. I feel that if he'd been able to just break it off with her and completely stop cold turkey once he made the decision to stay, it would be easier for me to trust and forgive him, but I do think an A is like a drug and it took him months to finally end it and stop all the lying and finally truly recommit to the M and end his A. All that time was just limbo and it was awful. He is very sorry for all of that but thinks that it was the path he needed to take in order to get to where we we are today. I'm like, good for you, but you also need to recognize that there was a lot of damage done during those months that I'm still dealing with. (While I am grateful every day to have my family intact and to have the opportunity to work on my M with my H, I also do think that reconciliation and piecing is very hard too. There is really no magic pill once the betrayal is there. You will either heal alone or heal together, but the healing process is tough even when you're trying to work through it together.)
It is 100% true that you can't R with someone until the AP is completely out of the picture, your spouse wants to be there, and is committed to the M. That can't happen if they are still in contact at all with the AP and even after it ends it will take time for them to get mentally back in the game (if they even do). And above all-- their head space and commitment to the M, wanting back in, wanting out, total confusion, whatever--that is all their work and you can't control any of it. So that is why I am really urging you to continue the process of letting go of the illusion of control and refocusing that energy on yourself and what matters to you. And, just noting that I thought I would not take him back if he slept with her one last time and in fact I did. I just restarted IC and she said she thinks I maybe first need to focus on forgiving myself for making some of the choices I did, like taking him back. It is all hard no matter what, I think.
One last thought to throw out there-- I do think that there are differences when the WS does not actually leave, though they are threatening to, or carrying on an A. For those whose WSs walked out and didn't look back, it might seem easy to tell Peter to divorce her if A, B, or C... but I do think it is a lot harder than it may seem from the outside to be the one to take that final step of breaking up your family, even if your spouse was the one who really Fed it all up. Peter, you might want to read some of the situations of others who were in IHS. This might be why both Steve and I are harping on boundaries vs. control. When you live with someone, that gets tested daily and you have to be both ultra conscious of your own boundaries and whether or not they're being tested or crossed, and self-aware enough to always be checking to see if you're truly drawing boundaries to protect yourself or using the language of boundaries to try to manipulate your spouse's behavior.
It is one thing if a WS says they want out and you say okay, have a happy life, check you later. It is a total different thing when you have a wishy-washy WS who doesn't really know what they want. To say to them-- are you in or are you out? And if you're out, go or I will-- is really quite different, to me at least-- particularly on the follow through. In the first case, you simply aren't standing in their way. In the second, if they don't walk out on their own, YOU have to be the one to pull the trigger and perhaps go against your own core values and beliefs to do so. And I obviously believe it is possible, given time and emotional if not physical space, for a WS to turn around and recommit to the M. I think putting that ultimatum out there will just push them away, or cause them to lie. Much better to follow Steve's path of GAL, PMA, and focusing on yourself and detachment. Unless you really don't want to be married to a cheater-- and then your path should be to figure out how to best protect yourself and your kids in a D.
