Wow, really some great feedback from everyone. I have been taking it all in throughout the day. Been really reflecting and thinking it all through.

The Date: I can't say I found him physically attractive. I basically didn't find him unattractive. It's kind of weird, I attract a certain physical type which isn't really my physical type. Aside from that. I found the date ok because he gave off no creepy vibes like my most recent dates have. It was nice that it I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was comfortable.

I understand where everyone is coming form regarding chemistry and all of that. It could build. I may feel it on the second or 3rd date. I should give it a second date. ANd I actually would! But he doesn't want to! I can't make that part happen. He hasn't rejected me, but i am to versed at this. He isn't interested in another date. I haven't heard from him and he did the good bye hug, text me when you get home, I did, told him I had a fun time and I thanked him. He was brief and said " I just got home, I had fun too" that was it. He has no desire for a second date. ANd i couldn't care less.

I just have gone on so many first dates. They are all generally the same. Very superficial as they should be with strangers. I would never share a struggle or go deep with someone on the first date. Keep it light and fun. That's all you can do. It's just the same thing over and over. I also know my heart is not really in it with these people that i don't even know. That's why I know I would do so much better with a person I just met who started as a friend and something grew.

Hiking guy was too much. He would send like 5 follow up texts if I didn't answer right away. God no. No one has anyone to set me up with. One cowoker really wants me with her brother. But apparently he likes to break up with and get back together with his awful girlfriend. That's it. Not much prospect. I am not active on any OLD platforms. They were old matches. But I decided to delete my account all together today.

This brings me to my other issues and struggles. re: friends being the person who got your back. I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner. I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone. Even my dad gives me all of this " I want you to tell me everything" but whenever i do, he immediately invalidates any feeling i have. The last guy I became vulnerable with was M and we all know how that turned out. People in my life come to me to be vulnerable to me. FOr me to listen and support. I don't think I am capable fo flipping the script. I have no brothers no sisters, no family I am close to. My cousin is [censored] me dry of everything emotionally, and I can't really be vulnerable with her.

In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.

I was in the worst fog today. My brain was not processing at work today. I am usually very quick and on point. Not today. Not lately. I had to go grocery shopping after work on no energy, I cried in my driveway. D is having a bunch of friends come over tomorrow, 2 have never been over, and they are rich. She goes to a county school and I live in a pricey county. My house is a disaster because I haven't had time or energy. I am embarrassed to have these kids come to my tiny messy home. I am waking up at 5:30 am tomorrow to clean. I have no energy now. And then a nor easter is coming friday into saturday and i have only saturday off and i have to be out there every hour shoveling.

I have absolutely thought about going back to IC. But it is way to overwhelming to me. For one, finding someone in network and then finding the time to go . and then I get so overwhelmed at where to begin. To go through everything again. I don't know if I have the capacity to do it. To speak of how i got to where i am now.It's too much for me right now. But i know I should.

I feel like I cant keep going like this. But I also have no other options. That;s the worst part