I think what SteveLW and LH19 are saying is you're being W's emotional crutch by being there for her at the Holidays after her mom passed even though she separated from you and is heading towards a divorce. If you want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas there because gives you more kid/grandkid time it probably won't be the make or break difference in a long term recon but not sure if helps your detachment or moving on. The frequent calls, lunches, and Holidays allow her to keep you on the hook.
Anyway, sounds like you'll be out of the country for work in the first half of 2022 so that'll be some forced space. Use the time well! Work out, do activities, meet people...enjoy life!
BL, exactly. M40, it isn't as if your sitch is brand new. At this stage you should be looking to do things that moves your life forward. What I am still detecting here is that there are expectations that are still guiding your actions. "Maybe if I attend holidays with her....." "Maybe if I emotionally support her through a difficult time....."
The giveaway to me was this:
Originally Posted by Mach40
As far as having a another person with her or me at any of these events, its not going to happen as neither one of us is ready to tackle that.. She is working 6 to 7 days a week, and doesnt need the added stress of emotional commitments right now. This is not really relevant, just her talking to me about it.
So if she had said she was bringing someone, would your answer have been different? Not that I blame you if it would be, but it shows that you are not emotionally detached. This is why the advice was to separate the holidays. That way if she was bringing someone....or she wasn't, no biggie. You had your own plans with your kids. "You do Thanksgiving with them on Thursday, I will on Friday. At Christmas you have them Christmas Eve, then I have them Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning." Or vice-versa. I know your kids are older and the Eve night/Christmas morning thing may not apply in your sitch, but you get the gest. Feeling her out to see if she was bringing someone wasn't the right approach for moving forward with your life.
And then the second sentence is just her talking. It has no basis in fact. You are the last person she is going to tell "And I am actively dating OP." So this falls into the category of "believe nothing she says". And that principle still applies even when you desperately want to believe it. In fact, it applies even more so in that case.
M40, this is why I said it is your sitch, you can make the choices you want. But I cannot respond in this forum positively when someone is claiming that they are moving forward with their life when their decisions are saying otherwise. It seems you through in the "I will file for D" comment in an effort to convince us, and maybe even yourself, that the moving forward with your life was true. I hope this isn't too harsh, it isn't meant to be. Just meant to be an honest assessment.
I agree with BL, the forced space will be good for you. I highly highly highly encourage you to go dark and follow the LRT after the holidays and through your away time.
