It's very possible, perhaps probable, your W is perfectly happy with the way things stand, meaning having birthdays and holidays with the family and enjoying some companionship/friend talks every 4-5 days but not living together or having physical intimacy and being able to explore other options. On this board it's often referred to as "cake eating" in that the spouse leaving gets to have their cake (family, holidays, friendship) and eat it too (dating others). IF she feels this way, she has no incentive or motivation to change anything. It's working for her.
Not to put words in their mouths, but...
What LH19 is saying is that in order to change that dynamic and have potential for an R/intimate relationship it's likely that your W has to see what she's losing and decide she doesn't want to. In other words, there may be no impetus for her to come back if she doesn't feel she's losing you.
What CWarrior is saying that IF you put her to a decision, you're risking the bird in the hand (family birthdays /Holidays, friendship...etc.) for two in the bush (family holidays PLUS intimate relationship) that if you risk that it might be more likely you'll lose the former than gain the latter.
Does that make sense?
Based on what I've read, your dynamic is different than the typical story we see her of WS/WAS with an active affair and LBS depurate to bring them back so you MAY have a better chance than most here to have a discussion and get her back...but there are no guarantees. It is a risk. And you have to be the one to decide whether to continue the status que (and risk she doesn't find someone else and eventually comes back) or take bond action (ask her to R and risk her declining and you walking way). Either way you risk something. Unfortunately it's not a math equation and there is no exact formula with a "correct" answer.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I am still attached to her in many ways, more so than when we were married.
The point of detachment and self-differentiation is to get to a place where you're happy and having a great life whether you're with her or not. You should be working towards those goals because A) it's healthy, B) it will help you emotionally if a D goes through or she starts dating another man, and C) it makes you more attractive to W or other women (if you decide to date). Work on yourself and your GAL so you're happy with your life regardless of whether W decides to rejoin it or not. If she does come back, great, if she doesn't you're happy anyway.
