Sounds like she is trying to force you to file and look like the bad guy. The way to combat is to give her more space than she could ever want. When she’s home you are out GAL. Keep holding on your boundaries that she will not disrespect you in anyway. It’s going to be a long tough road either way my friend. I’m sorry.
Her viciousness has returned in the last two days.
- She yelled at me for opening a box of chocolates in our pantry that she had planned to gift to a friend of hers. Of course, she told me that she had gotten it for us and never told me that she planned to give it to her friend. The chocolates are absolutely bad, but she tells me that now I must finish the whole box for being so inconsiderate to her friend.
- She yelled at me at a high-end restaurant for starting to eat too soon, before taking a good picture of her with the food (not true - I took at least 10 pictures but she says I am more interested in starting to eat than take photos - shows how inconsiderate I am about her dressing up for the dinner), went on about how incompatible we are that there is nothing to talk about, no wonder she had decided to D.
- She asked about training with my personal trainer. I told her that my personal trainer is becoming ineffective so I might have to change, and she took that opportunity to accuse me in front of our kid that I am trying to discourage her from training. By mistake I replied sharply (did not raise my voice) that she should feel free to find any trainer for any kind of training that she wants - it just does not matter to me. She blew her fuse and started repeating things like I was faking everything, I had gone back to who I was, I was being 'abusive' to her etc. I told her to stop saying all that in front of our kid and said I am leaving this space. She shouted, "Get out" and that was it.
Hey TT, things have changed around here but sounds like you have to. Good to read your update, you appear to be doing the best that can be expected. Keep on keeping on.
It’s very normal and sometimes actually happens until one or both enter another relationship. Unfortunately you will most likely lose friends and family members. It’s all part of the collateral damage. Divorce affects many people.
Another pretty good weekend I guess. Our best friends daughter had a bridal shower yesterday. W went to hang out with them friday night, then spent all day saturday helping to set up. Then went to the shower yesterday. So son and I hung out all weekend. W then called yesterday and said everyone from the party was going to dinner and invited son and I. We went for an hour or so. A lot of my friends and relatives were there.
Son has a doctors appt this afternoon, and I told W that I would meet them there. Last night she said they would probably go to lunch before the appt and asked me to come. I just said 'I probably won't have time, but I"ll meet you at the appt'.
This is just getting on my nerves at this point. Honestly think W thinks that despite a pending D, everything is just fine and dandy, and we'll be able to hang together in the same circle of friends even after the D. Is that normal? Today will be 2 weeks since she met with her L to start the filing process, but I haven't received anything yet.
I believe my h is coming out of withdrawal, if not out. He has reached out to me, since I left and expressed remorse about two months ago. I am enlisting a therapist to bridge the gap as I am still hurt and quite frankly I have ptsd from his exist out of withdrawal. I had to leave as it was to emotionally tumultuous. They say when they exist they push. HE PUSHED.
Anyway, I am seeking information about this next step.
Hoping someone can help.
Why I think he is…he reached out to my family members and stared supporting my events, which is not like the angry man. The man I fell in love with would do that.
Not being specific in case, as this is an open forum on the net.
What is the next step(s)? What happens next. What should I do.
Hoping someone can help to with revealing information
Just an update on W's upcoming cosmetic surgery, which is now three weeks out...or more accurately, the first of two surgeries. Doctor said he cannot do all the work at once; the first go-round will probably take 6-8 hours alone.
She won't be able to lie down for probably a few weeks, hence the recliner she bought. Probably weeks before she can drive a car either. I will be working early in the day during her recovery but should be home by mid-afternoon; her mother is going to supervise her care when I am out of the house. But she can't be here 24/7, obviously, and leave my FIL alone.
The kicker is that based on her timeline, all of this is going to coincide with her actively trying to remove me from the house. (I am expecting to be served before surgery date. We'll see).
Thus, her dream scenario would mean that during surgery #2 in the fall, all her care and most of the care of our younger son while I'm at work all day is going to fall squarely on her family, mostly her parents, who are in their 70s.
Took a trip out of the country, yet your update is about how your wife wished you well and you’re a great dad. It’s truly awe inspiring how much you ignore advise. Speaking of ignoring, how about answering ready2change
Dropping back in to say hi. I’m doing well. Took a spontaneous trip out of the country. S is staying with W. She has been sending me a few photos and also sent me a text as I was at the airport before departure wishing me a relaxing, restful time and thanking me for being a great dad.
I'm full on in court. I have finally got suitable temporary orders. Australia simply doesn't recognise 50/50 for young children based on the research. I got the best I can until she's 5, where typically 50/50 occurs. Which was always my point. Nex tried to reduce contact with my kids and it didn't work.
Ex is full on abusing and twisting where she can, but it doesn't affect me. Court ignores it and and she is losing. I ignore it.
Regardless of what people think or say here, I'm dealing with a personality disorder. And I am taking on as much parenting as I can whilst trying to minimise the impact of counter parenting. The kids are in therapy and so far so good. They just know Mum and Dad don't talk and sometimes Mum does mean things.
Narcassim doesn't mean I'll ever be free of drama, but the combination of parallel parenting and court orders has put the kids in the best possible place for success. It means I accept nex will never change and I just implement strategies and techniques to deal with it.
I've spent over a year on a narc support forum as well as personal therapy to get to the point where I find that dealing with nex is just a job and I assume nothing. I act like I'm just a single parent.
Eight months on, nothing has changed in terms of "battles". She'll try to create them whenever she can. What's changed is my reaction. Steadfast boundaries.
Actually, I'm now starting to date, and it's refreshing to experience all sorts of different people and to meet people who are accepting of my situation. What a shock to date normal caring empathetic people. Been so long since I experienced that.
Anyway, I'm always grateful for the forum even though ultimately my marriage wasn't salvageable.
You are now an emotional rock. Hold steady no matter how rough the storm.
Hi Sunflyer, one tactical approach to help your journey towards becoming an 'emotional rock' is to hit the slow-motion button at the right moment. Slow-motion also helps in more prolonged situations, like simply living through your day. Often, one comes to conclusions or assumes a particular state of mind rather quickly, even when there are no immediate provocations like a live argument. Slow motion is to move through the state-machine of your mind slowly. It allows you to deliberate which path to take toward your next state. This deliberation involves becoming conscious of the nature of the input (e.g., a cruel jab at you two hours earlier or, at this moment, a sense of entitlement that you should not be discussing your problems with your sibling, etc.) and your own processing of that input.
We've seen this reluctancy in truly recommitting back to the marriage after an affair before from WASs. Almost always they are biding their time until the OP has a change of heart, or OM2 comes along. WW in particular have a way of attracting no end of losers. It's a sad reality whether she's actively on the prowl or not.
The good news is that none of it matters. You just keep DBing. Focus completely off of her. Look up "self differentiation in marriage". That's your new normal.
I have been reading up on Self-Differentiation. The first step is to be highly self-aware IMHO - something that I am still working on. She has no one to help her - her close confidant friends are obviously in a faux protective mode, her brother & mom aren't going to give her any good advice about MR or self-improvement and her IC is still the same one who aided her towards BD. She does not have the personality type to forget, or forgive - she tends to do the opposite, which is to write vicious messages (mostly on grievances that make no sense to me) and read them later to keep them top of mind as if they are trophies she should not let go. She has in fact told me that she wants to 'forget' and 'move on' but I doubt her intentions are sincere. Even so, she is still putting in material actions to improve the relationship, like cooking sometimes, random cuddling/kissing, trying to discuss day-to-day things, planning dates, etc. These material actions are a step in the right direction, but their efficacy is limited IMHO because of unresolved deep-lying issues.
Just dropping by to offer you my support. Wish I could offer you advice, but I don’t really have any but agree with what Job suggested. Hang in there and take time to breathe and support yourself.
In this last TEN years, slowly slowly I gained wisdom and worked hard through my faith and through the wisdom I got from all of you to hold on to what was best in me, to keep knowing beauty and truth and love and light. For all of you reading -- Just keep loving however you can without bitterness and protecting yourself and your kids (and your finances!) wherever you can with the whatever clarity you can muster, and allow yourself to have hope that watered by the faith and love you didn't let die, one day something good will finally have the chance to grow.
And this…
Walk in the light…
Good things do come and will grow.
Hugs to you! Hang in there…the light is starting to shine on what your XH is doing!
I am, like you, focusing on exploring and travel and on making new plans for myself. I am grateful I am able to do this and honestly do believe I am a better, stronger version of the person I was before my marriage blew up. It is not hard to find things to be grateful for every single day.
Glad to hear it. Yes, it does feed the soul doesn't it? Our journeys are not linear. That is for sure. Thank you for stopping by and for your message. It means a lot.
Mach40, I do agree with you, but I cannot deny that hearing/seeing that my XH is not doing well brings me some joy. In the sense that he has to live with his bad decisions. I don't dwell on it or focus much on it...so for me that's all I can manage right now.
It’s good to see your post since as you said, not many of us from our time are still around here. I am still here…although not as often…and glad you are too. I’m glad to hear that in general you are doing well. It is very sad about OW’s death. For your XH, for the kids and for you. I can understand how that would bring up so many feelings. I admire your strength and grace in how you have been handling it.
Your post about death vs betrayal/divorce really resonated with me. You described so accurately how it feels to me as well. Mach1, forgive me for not being able to relate to the death side as you have as I’m sure I might feel differently if I experienced that myself. But I haven’t, and even though I can see what you mean, I can’t fully grasp that experience. So, for now, I am in agreement with DejaVu6 on the glaring difference in how you feel and are treated post betrayal vs the death of a spouse. I’ve struggled with these differences a lot, especially as there is a close friend on my brother’s who’s spouse passed away, and the way my brother treats her versus the way I am treated is so vastly different. She is supported and surrounded by love, while I am questioned for any sign on not “over it” fully at this point. I feel so unseen, not just by my family but my friends as well. My struggle was very lonely, isolating and not really having anyone who could relate except those of us on this site. Another reason why this place was a refuge for me. And also why it’s been hard with so few of those who’ve been on this journey with me no longer here.
So, yes, we are better and have been generally doing well. But these feelings and these moments will still come up. For our loss, I don’t think there will never be complete closure. At least at this time I cannot see that. We will move forward with strength, we may forgive or become indifferent, but something will always remind us of what happened, of who our ex’s were (or weren’t), of what answers we will never have, the life we lost, etc. To me, to lose someone and know they loved you and what you had was real would be easier then losing someone and being left with all these questions about yourself, your life and your reality. And no matter what, people will look at you differently as well. With death there is sympathy. With betrayal/divorce there is judgement. It just is what it is and it kind of [censored].
Sending you love and hugs and again, I admire your grace and open heart. So much strength there. Better things are ahead for us.
Watched my older son go off to his senior prom today. He is a spectacularly good-looking young man.
I won't lie; it wasn't easy. But I held firm.
There are a number of things coming up that are going to take on a bittersweet flavor, especially his graduation and a fiftieth anniversary party for W's parents.
Afterward, W went out for dinner with my son's friend's mother.
Picked up my younger son. Just the two of us in the house. We ordered from the sushi place, one of his favorites.
sometimes Mach that heavy sigh is because I can't reach through the phone with my magic wand, wave it over you and make it all better.
other times the heavy sigh is because I can feel how much it hurts, and I hate that the only way for you to heal is to literally walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and all I can do is just sit on the other end of the line and hold space for you and frankly - some days that doesn't seem like nearly enough.
never is the sigh because i'm sick of being there for my friend.
W and I both worked from home today. Son had 1/2 day of school. He just went to the neighbors. W told me she told him when he gets back, if we want, we can go out to dinner. Or if we don't, she can go pick something up. I just said 'ok'.
