WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED! (Thread IV)

[Fartiltre]

So time for update about sickness, talk to children and what to do in near future.

In short yesterday was again a very nice day. Lots of good interactions with W and Ds.

W left early to fix things, at the new house and while she was gone I talked to the doctors. To my big relief there aren’t any tumors or real ugly things in the CT scan. What annoys me is that CT scan didn’t show anything at all, so I still haven’t got any answers – but doctors says that they are close to 100% sure that this isn’t anything deeply serious.
The swelling/bump is properly a hernia in the groin and this explains the pains. Hernia can be fixed surgical or perhaps by training. This should not produce the amounts of blood I have been seeing so this issue of mine is perhaps split in two and therefore they will continue to monitor me and next Friday they will put a camera inside me and have a look.
I feel extremely relieved about this!


When W came home we all drove to the harbor and had ice-cream and therefrom home for dinner.

When the kids where in bed I initiated talk about her moving out and…:


TALK TO CHILDREN
I had decided just to go along with her suggestion about 9/5 but also that I wanted to explain why I felt like I did. She interrupted me very quickly and started talking. I just listened and in 5 minutes she was – without me saying much – back to 7/7. She simply talked herself into this without me doing anything!
I decided to follow my plan and explained to her that I now felt very confused.

This talk was quite tense and W was seemingly annoyed about something – I still I am not sure about what. I do believe that her picture of what is going on is totally different than mine but I can’t get any clarification.

I didn’t validate that much through this. I stated my opinions without making any decisions and as I see it all is still just hanging lose in the air. I am now back to thinking about what’s best for the children and secondary what best for me. Perhaps I should suggest 8/6! Truth is I am so confused about this! I was dead set on everything, thought it was taken care of and then all of this happens and makes my doubts come back!
I will bring it up again and hear her out again – then I will state my opinion. At the moment this isn’t clear!

We did set a date! We will talk to them on the 23. July. After the talk we will do something fun and pleasant with them and also see the new house.

She seems to take very light on issue of what to tell – extremely light!
I asked her yesterday directly about her beliefs in regards of what to say and she said it should be done quickly, we shall tell them that the two of us won’t be living together and then we need some examples of other children going through this. That’s her thoughts – no more and no less! We have agreed on we love you, what will change and all of the “easy” parts of this talk – that’s properly why she didn’t mention these.
It doesn’t seem that she will be preparing a lot for this talk so I will have to address this again. I decided not to this yesterday because of the tension.


DEVIDING STUFF
We will go through our belongings Sunday evening.

I stated the other evening that I would like to know what she was taking so I could buy new things. This was brought up yesterday – she seems annoyed that I am working on so little change here as possible.


HER MOVING OUT
She is still set on moving out around the 1. August.
Yesterday I asked her how she was planning on doing this in regards of the children. She want them to be a part of this and she did state that she wants them to decide what toys they want to be at her place and at mine. I stated that I disagreed strongly on the last part of this. It is my opinion that we should make the most decisions for the children and if they have opinions we should listen to these but not force them to have any. I don’t know if this is right or wrong but that is how I feel.

This move out will be very hard on her. The timeframe is short and it is vacation time. She can’t start packing things up before the 24 and that leaves very little time for this. She is planning on doing this with the help of friends but it is a lot of work.



W went to bed without touching and she slept with D6 so I do guess she wasn’t that pleased when she went off to bed.


TODAY
I decided to talk further this morning since I wanted clarification and at the same time I would like to get rid of the tension from yesterday. I succeeded on the tension but still no clarification. Things are still hanging in the air.
After talking about the children and so – the important things - she suddenly shifts subject towards the new house. She is shifting a lot and I believe she talks straight from her mind. What’s in her mind comes out her mouth.
She showed me the plans of the house and explained exited what she was going to do. I just validated and told her that it looked nice. This house is 99% close to the opposite of what she has been stating for the last years. It small and with one exception it has all the flaws she has been nagging about for years. The biggest one is that the girls will still have to share a room and this room is so small.

I believe this morning is when I fully understood why it is called the fog – this is totally crazy, sad and a little “funny” to spectate. I feel sorrier for her than I have ever done.


W left to buy paint and I accomplished the mission – tension is gone and we will have a nice day until I leave for GAL this evening.

GOING DARK / FRIENDLY STAGE
I seems like W and I are either already in or moving fast towards the friendly stage. We communicate and talk easily even about the difficult issues. This is off course my thoughts but it is also what I experience living around W. Fact is that she is still leaving me, but also that there is no spewing at all, we co-parent, we involve each other and so on. I have stated a lot of times that we haven’t been this good for a long time and that is still the truth and things are getting better every week.
I would have loved to have more time living together but I haven’t and therefore I am now about to decide what to do. I am getting better at focusing on me, my GAL-efforts are better and I still feel the detachment is coming very slowly to me.

I have as always been thinking a lot about my sitch. I know that I should focus on me but at the same time, my goal is still to attract W! I still want her back and therefore I will have to decide on what to do in near future.
What should I do after she moves out? Go dark or keep working on the friendly stage? I am in doubt! I want the woman in my life, I want to co-parent to the best of my abilities and at the moment I have no problems being around her. I do not know what the future holds so this question is about which path to take on off.

[Fartiltre]

Its 10AM and W left to start painting in the new house.
Weekend has been good! I have been quite busy at home and with GAL.

My thoughts are all over!

There’s one week until talk-to-children and things are closing in fast! W has been extremely nice this weekend. She is back to touching and hugging! She slept with D6 tonight but almost excused this before going to bed. We were up late yesterday discussing how to divide our stuff and when she went to bed she hugged me and said “I have promised D6 that I will sleep by her tonight!”. After our talk yesterday she sat by me in the sofa showing me the new bed she has bought for the children. We were right next to each other touching from shoulders to toes for some time. After this she turned a little, sitting with her toes under my leg like she did so many times before BD.

We visited neighbors together yesterday. 10 min. before we arrived, the neighbor lady had discovered that her husband was still in EA/PA. He promised last summer that this was over, so she was devastated. W talked with her for 10 min. and then we left. We talked a lot about this the rest of the day – good deep talk! At some point I stated “W, I do hope you know that I have never been even remotely close to anything like this” She told me she did! We have also talked about my sickness and how nice this answer was. Finally we have talked more about problems with S10.
These deeper talks bring us closer!

There has been lots of small very positive interaction. More touches and laughs but most important some very good talks. Mostly this change is something I feel and I have been told to trust my feelings about W so I do! She has definitely been nicer and closer to me for the last days than for a long time. The withdrawal I have been feeling has reversed but I don’t know why. It could just be caused by the fact that she is moving in a few weeks or keeping me as plan B, but that’s just me guessing. Perhaps she is just being nice BUT if she had acted this way towards another man when we were together I would definitely not have liked it!

W ordered and paid for tickets two a children’s festival in august. She ordered for me, S10 and MIL as well. We now have two concerts and this festival together in august.

On several occasion I have been thinking “What if she is just waiting for me to make a move?” I have been feeling like kissing her. I haven’t done anything but this is only due to DBing. Fact is that if we didn’t have any history I would have made the move. I would have read her sayings and doings as her coming on to me.

I still don’t know anything about what is going on in her head. What are her thoughts? How she is feeling – I am working in the dark! Because of this I am also much in doubt on how to act after she moves out. Should I go dim/dark, continue friendly stage or somewhere in between. Going dark in august will be impossible but perhaps September.

Just read this in T1000 thread:

Read an article this morning about that actor form Glee that has died. At the end it had this:

Life is too short my friends – if you love someone, tell them; if you miss someone, tell them; if you want to do something, do it now – tomorrow might be too late.
Take that opportunity that would change your life; take the hand of that person who will change your life AND you.

So hard to read that and not reach out to my W.

That makes me think! Am I doing the right thing?, should I reach out?, plead? Anything?
I haven’t any of this since 2-3 days after BD and I do feel like doing it – big time!

DIVIDING STUFF
I went to a movie yesterday with some friends and when I got home W and I walked through the house. She won’t bring that many things with her and in fact I believe we have only two issues that can cause some problems. We own two cars and she wants the better of them. She also wants to split our sofas and bring one of these.

It is not anything major but I stated my issues very softly and W got a little mad – she didn’t tell but it showed. I told her that I felt that I had to state my thoughts, that I wasn’t out to pi$$ her off and that I only wanted a fair solution for both of us. That did the job and the discussion ended well. When she asked about the car I told her I am feeling a little peculiar about this because we bought it after Christmas. I continued telling her that since I do not know so much about her leaving I have assumed that this is not something she just quickly decided to do and therefore the car is properly bought why she was considering this. She got the point, told me that her decision was made after New Year and nothing further. I was properly wrong – in regards of DBing – doing this, but the talk went well. I would give my right arm for her opening just a little!

I told her – as always – that I will give it some thoughts and come back. I guess I will offer that she can take the car and I keep the sofas.

I am getting better at this! I feel I am able to take tension away very quickly. I simply listen, use “I – statements”, explain how I feel and restrain my own feelings. This seems to do the job!



MIL will arrive later today and then SIL and Ws niece will join tomorrow. They will all stay until Friday! This will be somewhat awkward. They do like me a lot – all three of them and I am certain that MIL sees BD as a disaster. They are off course helping W all they can but they also stick by me to some degree.

[Fartiltre]

Just for my record!

I feel so much like snooping right now! MIL came this afternoon. I ate dinner with her and Ds. W wasn’t at home. Nice afternoon. After the girls went to sleep MIL and W went for a walk on the beach.

Right now I am sitting in the office reading and writing in here and listening to distant whispering. MIL and W are talking in the living room and I must admit – I feel the curiosity, a lot of it!

Day has been nice! I feel some turmoil these days and believe that is due to the fact that we divided our stuff yesterday and have to talk with children in eight days. Sit is closing in on me! At the same time it is so crazy having MIL here and knowing that SIL will join tomorrow.

[hotwheelsaust]

Oh Fartiltre, if only we could be flies on the wall sometimes. If only we really knew what they wanted, felt or the direction they are heading.
All I can suggest is to enjoy the moments you have now. I truly wish I was given that opportunity.
As much as we want to snoop and at times maybe do it. It won't achieve anything, most of the time you will come up with nothing but more questions.

[Fartiltre]

Peculiar turn from W yesterday!
I didn’t get up to hug her when she got home. I was playing with the Ds and to the truth she didn’t reach out and neither did I. I am not sure if this or W and MIL talking triggered her but she withdrew a lot yesterday evening. Perhaps she is just pi$$ed that I did not join her and MIL in the livingroom - I dont know! She is running hot/cold these days I suppose. I just try to flatline it all and think I am doing all right.

I have been reading a lot of sitches in here the last days and even though I have the classical ILUB/WAW I still see a lot of strange things in my sit that I don’t in others.
She is kind and pleasant! She still wears presents from me. All the gifts I have bought her will be a part of the new house. We will go to concerts and other stuff in august. She is gaining weight and not minding her looks in anyway. No OM – I am 99,9999% certain. She hugs and touches. She still takes initiatives around the house. She talks future. She talks about good things we have done in the past.....and then some!

This could either mean that she is gone for good (1000% detached) or that my chances on R is reasonable. I go with the last one for now! I have to stop this thinking of mine at some point but simply can’t do it!

W is still painting the new house and I am home with Ds this week. I had planned all kind of stuff but D4 came down with the chickenpox and is therefore not feeling well – at all: It itches a lot, she has the fever big time – you properly know the drill. So we are some kind of grounded these days! It has been cartoons and pancakes all day

Hopefully she will be better of tomorrow so we can go to the ZOO. W just called and asked if we could take her Niece (16y) with us to the ZOO. A thing like this also makes me wonder about this break-up! I fear that I do not know the real reason(s) and therefore can't address them.

Ws cousin called today. He and I have been quite close and he just wanted to let me know that he would like for this to continue. That’s nice! I will join his 40y birthday on Saturday and he invited me to stay all weekend. GAL has to become my middle name so I will go if W can mind the children. All weekends until September are now occupied but unfortunately most of them with W participating.

One week countdown to childrens-talk has started today!

I would still love some opinions on whether I should go as dark as possible or just continue this friendly stage?

…and that wraps up my brain activity for today..

P.S. HWA – I am a sheep, not a fly – remember? Fly's don't drink beers in the australian sunset and sheep’s don’t snoop – yet!!

[T1000]

I would still love some opinions on whether I should go as dark as possible or just continue this friendly stage?

I think dark.
Be friendly when you see her but completely disappear from her life when you are apart.
She needs to feel what it's like with no Fartiltre in her life.

[hotwheelsaust]

F, yes you are a sheep, but the bloody flies are everywhere in Australia. The flies don't drink beer, but always fall and drown in them. That's why we drink so much and so quickly, to stop the flies from ruining them.
I cannot give you any opinions on which way to take for your sitch. My only worry is, similar to my W, she is trying to make the last few days as good as possible. For both her, and you. My W seemed to have done that. She tried to help me be better, not for the marriage, but to make her feel better.
I truly hope this is not the case, and the sitch is becoming more positive each day.

[Fartiltre]

T & HWA

Thanks for being here! It seems like you guys stick with me and I am grateful!

I just pulled this answer from AS to HWA and that properly describes me! HWA properly won’t remember this – it goes way back! First answer from AS in his first thread.

Michele warns about this in DR, she says if you were emotionally distant in the M then "going dark" is just going to look like "more of the same" behavior to your W. So if that was the case, then going dark may not be a good idea.

I believe I did this to W! I was emotionally distant (if not totally gone!!).

I have been working towards the thing T describes but perhaps I should work it over one (or if it goes as usual a thousand) more time!

When she moves I have had almost 5 months to be here and I have done that – but no emotions! August won’t be the month where I can go dark/dim so I will have the time to give this some thoughts.
I do have more time than first calculated! I will talk to shrink and DB-coach about this topic if possible!

HWA, I do hope your worries won’t come true!

F

[Fartiltre]

Well, day is gone – rough evening with MIL, SIL and nieceIL! W was busted and fell asleep tugging in D4 leaving me alone with the three ladies! The elephant in the room was replaced with a herd of dinosaurs!

I tried to act-as-if but that was hard and I have two more of these evenings ahead of me! SIL gave me the kindest walk-by-touch and that said it all. I played the kind host and offered a glass of wine, coffee and so on. I broke the silence a few times! I made their beds ready and then woke up W and told her to undress and get a good night sleep! The kind neighbor I guess!

W is still withdrawn to some extend! She is absolutely wasted and stressed to the max I guess! We haven’t talked that much today. A little about D4, and some about the new house. I feel withdrawn but not planned or on purpose – that just how I feel!

I am in the office with a glass of wine for the first time in months! I feel good and comfortable. I just read through uRw’s new thread and that put me over the top too day. If you haven’t read it then do it: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2367922#Post2367922

The future is very unclear to me right now! I know what is coming and that I can’t change it – I can only deal with it as it arrives! I will do this with the outmost care and love I can show my children and W but still within my boundaries.

Nice day – feeling good!

[TryingToDo180]

I read something on this forum that totally confuses me and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I think as well that I was emotionally distant to my H, so going dark may not be the answer. If that's not the answer then what is?
F, I hope your health scare proves to be nothing serious Your W sounds very confused at the mo, she's confusing you with her actions. My H hasn't given me a hug since he's left. He's totally distance himself emotionally from me, but we're still on friendly terms.
My son's a bit older than yours so we haven't got the custody issues. My H is welcome to come round to take my son out anytime he wants and has asked if he can come round tomorrow to see him.
His apt isn't big enough to have my son on a regular basis, but I've never stopped my H from seeing him and he can have him over at his any time he wants.
I've got a meeting tomorrow with the social services as I'm having a carer's assessment done. H wants to come round, but I said he'll have to make himself scarce whilst the social worker is here. My son will be upstairs in his room anyway, so H can go up and play video games with him
I hope you get your sitch sorted out F, I would've hated to have someone living with me who doesn't want to be there.