DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

Another question (in addition to the above question^^^)

Since H seems so strong in his decision to leave and says he won't change his mind, I've considered moving back to where we used to live before we moved 7 months ago (separately) to take the next step in our lives (with him making more money traveling and me living where we planned to start a family, where cost of living was cheaper)

I contacted my old supervisor and there is a FT position open and she says all I'd have to do is fill out the paper work.

If I took the position, I'd be moving to another state.

H is planning to file the dissolution where I currently live, because I've been here 6 months and that is what is required by law for one of the spouses to have been here 6 months in order to file.

Would it be wrong of me to move?
I would be able to work that job and possibly a part time job, that would bring in more money for me to save an support myself (and the dog). Right now I only work 2-3 days a week bring in up to $400 every two weeks and I live w/ my parents. It's hard being here w/ them asking questions and butting in to my business. I feel like I'm 18 again living here, I want to be my age and I think being alone would be better for me.

Am I required to discuss my moving with H first? (even though he has stopped wearing his ring and is "single" in his mind as he says he's going to being worrying about himself only, but he claims he's not ready to date other people/have a new relationship yet though...)

[MrCAS]

Would it be wrong of me to move?

No, I don't think so. Better job... more pay... leaving a semi-toxic (for you it seems) environment... back to an area you are very familiar with... That seems like a boatload of positives to me.

Am I required to discuss my moving with H first?

Personally, I would. It would only be proper to discuss a major move with your husband. It is going to have an affect on his life in some manner and only seems fair. Ask for his opinion. Ask him how he would feel about it.

When you have the discussion, I would only discuss the the positives (save the parental thing) it would be for you. I might consider all the positives the move would have on BOTH of you (more money, career advancement, better working, etc) and what it might mean to your future, as well. I might tell him that since he works in yet another state that where you are living and working will not affect what he is doing.

If he brings up the D residency requirement thing, I would feign ignorance on the matter with a simple "Gees, that thought never even entered my mind. I was only considering the positives" or something to that effect.

[Mimi00]

Would it be wrong of me to move?

No, I don't think so. Better job... more pay... leaving a semi-toxic (for you it seems) environment... back to an area you are very familiar with... That seems like a boatload of positives to me.

Am I required to discuss my moving with H first?

Personally, I would. It would only be proper to discuss a major move with your husband. It is going to have an affect on his life in some manner and only seems fair. Ask for his opinion. Ask him how he would feel about it.

When you have the discussion, I would only discuss the the positives (save the parental thing) it would be for you. I might consider all the positives the move would have on BOTH of you (more money, career advancement, better working, etc) and what it might mean to your future, as well. I might tell him that since he works in yet another state that where you are living and working will not affect what he is doing.

If he brings up the D residency requirement thing, I would feign ignorance on the matter with a simple "Gees, that thought never even entered my mind. I was only considering the positives" or something to that effect.

Thanks for your feedback!

Yes, there are a lot of positives. You right about it being an area I am familiar with, it's funny over the last few months I've been craving foods I can only get there. I really miss my environment there and life was good, I wish H could see that. I know unfortunately he felt negative, he didn't feel I was happy when he would walk in the door after work. I'm not a person who is a cheerleader type, but I feel like he knows me and should know that the fact I am there EVERYDAY when he came home with a freshly cooked meal on plate for him should have spoke volumes, but I guess that's not what he saw as love. It's kind of annoying he wanted me to show all of this "happiness" and feeling wanted when he came home from work, but on his off days, when I would come home from work, he's be sleep on the sofa, or watching a movie, he only had a meal for me a few times and he didn't seem "happy" to see me, but I didn't read in to that, I didn't even think about it. I would come inside usually kiss him on the head or lay with him, then prepare a meal even though I was the one who worked that day.

Sorry I went wayyyyy off topic lol

I do feel strange about telling him about my move though.... he made his decision to move back to the mountains a few days ago and sign a new full year contract with them with out discussing it with me So I kind of want to do this without saying anything to him, but I know it would probably not sit well with him if I didn't tell him....it'll be awkward telling him. If I decided to go for it, maybe I will tell him by text... we'll see?!

[MrBond]

"I know unfortunately he felt negative, he didn't feel I was happy when he would walk in the door after work. I'm not a person who is a cheerleader type, but I feel like he knows me and should know that the fact I am there EVERYDAY when he came home with a freshly cooked meal on plate for him should have spoke volumes, but I guess that's not what he saw as love."

You've got it backwards. He didn't understand that that's how YOU EXPRESSED love. Guys do need a cheerleader to feel a sense of self worth. It's the way thins are.

"It's kind of annoying he wanted me to show all of this "happiness" and feeling wanted when he came home from work,"

AGAIN, this is how guys are geared. You have to understand this because if things don't work out in your M, your next relationship will be the same unless this changes.

"but on his off days, when I would come home from work, he's be sleep on the sofa, or watching a movie, he only had a meal for me a few times and he didn't seem "happy" to see me,"

Because the two of you EXPRESS love differently. If it had bothered you, then you should have brought it up.

As for the move, go and do it if it is in YOUR best interest. You need to live your life right now. There are going to be alot of tough times ahead in dealing with him. You need to get yourself strong.

[MrCAS]

I would not tell him your plans with a text. That is a cheesy cowardly way to do things.

My W chooses to do everything by email. It is anonymous. It is no real interaction. You can lay a BA turd on someone's plate and walk away without ever having to see or hear a reaction.

A decision of this magnitude deserves interaction. Explain your position. Show him more class and dignity than he showed you and do it with no mention of how or why he accepted one more year of working where he is. If he brings it up you two can discuss it but right now it is done deal and has little bearing on what you need to do for yourself.

I suggest you get a book by Gary Chapman called "The five love languages". I have read it and plan on reading it again shortly to really digest what it says. It explains how everyone is wired differently and how each of react to different modes of being shown love. Your H sounds like he is "words of affirmation" type while you seem to be an "acts of service" type.

Mr. Bond is right when he says you need to do what is right for you at this particular time of your life. I was living in South Carolina and moved back to Minnesota in order to keep my house from going into foreclosure. An equally important part of moving back was that I knew that in order to have any chance of saving my marriage I needed to be here set of down South. I am not sure right now which one occupies the top position but I am attacking each one with equal fervor.

My wife was not thrilled that I chose to move back to Minnesota at all. I'm sure there is a myriad of reasons for it but I'm not going to get into mind reading with her. It is a pointless and fruitless effort. I did it because it was the best thing for me to do for myself. At this point I could not take her personal feelings about the situation into consideration. It was not an easy decision to make but I have to look at the big picture.

Moving back here allowed me to continue my life in surroundings that I was extremely familiar with. It is easier for me to move on and do what is best for me in comfortable surroundings. I think you will find that is what is going to be best for you as well.

I also understand the feelings of craving foods that you grew up with. There are many things here in Minnesota that I missed that I could not get down South. Sometimes it feels a little selfish to feel that way. However, one must take one's level of comfort into consideration.

[Mimi00]

"I know unfortunately he felt negative, he didn't feel I was happy when he would walk in the door after work. I'm not a person who is a cheerleader type, but I feel like he knows me and should know that the fact I am there EVERYDAY when he came home with a freshly cooked meal on plate for him should have spoke volumes, but I guess that's not what he saw as love."

You've got it backwards. He didn't understand that that's how YOU EXPRESSED love. Guys do need a cheerleader to feel a sense of self worth. It's the way thins are.

"It's kind of annoying he wanted me to show all of this "happiness" and feeling wanted when he came home from work,"

AGAIN, this is how guys are geared. You have to understand this because if things don't work out in your M, your next relationship will be the same unless this changes.

"but on his off days, when I would come home from work, he's be sleep on the sofa, or watching a movie, he only had a meal for me a few times and he didn't seem "happy" to see me,"

Because the two of you EXPRESS love differently. If it had bothered you, then you should have brought it up.

As for the move, go and do it if it is in YOUR best interest. You need to live your life right now. There are going to be alot of tough times ahead in dealing with him. You need to get yourself strong.

I totally understand NOW....he didn't tell me things like this until he was already "unhappy". If he would have said soemthing earlier instead expecting me to know I would have changed a long time ago.

I understand the ways he wants wants to be love now that I have read 5LL and now that he's more vocal (after no longer wanting to work on things he's way more transparent about what he needs and understanding)

I have changed completely over the last few months all for the better. I do understand NOW than guys need a cheerleader. Ive changed to become that after realizing itnon my own (through research etc) And he saw that. I know its true change bc it flowed out of me, not forced...it was how I was when we were dating (and I didn't notice I did it bc it was just natural) before I'm foolishly allowed hurts from him to change me. I know now that I should not allow outside factors to change me. I need to be consistent and true to who I am regardless ofnothers actions, treat others how you'd like to be treated. I failed at that for a while but even before he announced he was unhappy I noticed some of my faults and slowly was changing but I guess he didn't notice or it was already too late.

But if things don't end up woriing out w H. I feel I am already way more knowledgeable about relationships than I was before this happened.

H was my first everything....I dated and kissed before him.... butbhe was my first long term relationship etc.... so things he and other people learn from multiple relationships had before marriage I missed and learned what not to do w/ H. I thought he'd give me a second chance knowing this...but he doesn't care I'm learning and growing. He's over it.

[Mimi00]

I would not tell him your plans with a text. That is a cheesy cowardly way to do things.

My W chooses to do everything by email. It is anonymous. It is no real interaction. You can lay a BA turd on someone's plate and walk away without ever having to see or hear a reaction.

A decision of this magnitude deserves interaction. Explain your position. Show him more class and dignity than he showed you and do it with no mention of how or why he accepted one more year of working where he is. If he brings it up you two can discuss it but right now it is done deal and has little bearing on what you need to do for yourself.

I suggest you get a book by Gary Chapman called "The five love languages". I have read it and plan on reading it again shortly to really digest what it says. It explains how everyone is wired differently and how each of react to different modes of being shown love. Your H sounds like he is "words of affirmation" type while you seem to be an "acts of service" type.

Mr. Bond is right when he says you need to do what is right for you at this particular time of your life. I was living in South Carolina and moved back to Minnesota in order to keep my house from going into foreclosure. An equally important part of moving back was that I knew that in order to have any chance of saving my marriage I needed to be here set of down South. I am not sure right now which one occupies the top position but I am attacking each one with equal fervor.

My wife was not thrilled that I chose to move back to Minnesota at all. I'm sure there is a myriad of reasons for it but I'm not going to get into mind reading with her. It is a pointless and fruitless effort. I did it because it was the best thing for me to do for myself. At this point I could not take her personal feelings about the situation into consideration. It was not an easy decision to make but I have to look at the big picture.

Moving back here allowed me to continue my life in surroundings that I was extremely familiar with. It is easier for me to move on and do what is best for me in comfortable surroundings. I think you will find that is what is going to be best for you as well.

I also understand the feelings of craving foods that you grew up with. There are many things here in Minnesota that I missed that I could not get down South. Sometimes it feels a little selfish to feel that way. However, one must take one's level of comfort into consideration.

Thanks for the insight from your own experience. H knows me moving else wherenis an option...he even encouraged me to go back a little (i assume to ease his own mind...so he won't feel its his fault I am living where I am. Before the move 7 months ago...I told him please don't have me move and leave my FT job and city I love, If you have any doubts about us....he said he didnt and we moved......now hes leaving)

So I just wanted to leave with out any ones "permission". But you are right....I will call tonight to let him know if may be a possibilty.

It should be good news for him as I will be less of a financial burden. We shall see!


Is it odd that I am not angry with him? Every once in a whild a little anger will pop up but 95% of the time I am neutral/normal w/ my feelings towards him...

I feel like I'm letting him get off easy and I should yell and scream....but that's not who I am. If this was a year ago maybe I wouldve gotten anger....I feel like I am super understanding now. But am I too nice and accomodating? I don't know.

[MrCAS]

"Is it odd that I am not angry with him? Every once in a whild a little anger will pop up but 95% of the time I am neutral/normal w/ my feelings towards him..."

Odd? Not at all. I don't know what stage you are in but there is a numb period and then there is the point where you come to accept what is happening.

You have to know that there is large pieces of this journey you are on that are out of your control. That was probably the hardest part for me to get into my feeble little man brain.

Detaching was not as hard for as I thought it was going to be. Not sure if it was because I had other issues I needed to work on or what.

All I know, for me, is that my life is getting to a place I want it to be. I know I am going to make it whether or not my W wants to come along for the ride.

[Mimi00]

I talked to my old supervisor, they won't pay me the amount I want to be paid, but they are still offering me a decent salary.... so I told her I'd call her w/ my decision tomorrow. I think I will go for it, if I fail, I fail.

I called H 30 minutes ago to discuss things with him and let him know I'm considering moving, he didn't answer. So... *shrugs* *sigh*

I was really nervous calling. Don't know if I will do that again, didn't like that feeling. Hopefully he'll call back but if not, I guess he'll just find out when he does. I'm not going to chase him down.

Odd? Not at all. I don't know what stage you are in but there is a numb period and then there is the point where you come to accept what is happening.

You have to know that there is large pieces of this journey you are on that are out of your control.

Yeah, I totally know nothing is in my control and I am okay with that.

I must be bouncing between "numb" and "accepting it all".

All I know, for me, is that my life is getting to a place I want it to be. I know I am going to make it whether or not my W wants to come along for the ride.

Good for you! That's great & encouraging to hear.

[Mimi00]

I called H again this morning b/c I still felt uneasy this morning about calling last night to no answer/call back....and today is when I plan on telling the old job if I will take the position. H works 12 hrs a day, so I called him before work today, he answered.

I asked how he was and how things are going, he said good.
I jumped right in and told him I was thinking about relocating in the next week & a half.

H sounded shocked. He said he knew it was a possibility, but he didn't expect so soon.

He says he know I want to get away from where I am, he thinks it's a good thing if that's where I want to be.

I told him it's not that it's where I want to be, but where I think I need to be for now.

He said he supports it, but thinks the move is too soon.

He we on to talk about getting a U-Haul etc...

I told him I don't plan to take much, just clothes, the dog.

So he said, what are you going to do sit around in an empty apartment.

I told him I plan to work and possibly 2 jobs.

He said he still thinks I should wait 30 days so it will be a smooth transition and to give him some time so he can help me financially.

I told him thanks for his input, I will take it into consideration... don't know if I will wait 30 days, but maybe an extra week or 2.....I tried to end the conversations and told him to I hoped he has a good day

He said you too....then he said "sorry for not answering your call last night", that he was with a man who is a perspective employee at his job, and his job asked H to show him around town.

So I said that was nice etc... and that H was a good pick to help the guy possibly make up his mind about wanting the position.

H then started talking about his research studies he's been doing.
So I validated and let him know I was listening,then I asked where he was because the phone was breaking up and he was hard to hear.

He said he just walked in to work and he'd text me later (I won't hold my breath).Then he said to keep him updated on my decision with moving.

I said ok have a good day and hung up.


Talking to him did make me feel better about what I am doing, I'm ok with what I want to do, but having that extra reassurance is nice (unfortunately, for me I guess b/c of our situation).

It's going to take some getting used to, to not want that or having that as an option anymore.

I haven't talked to any one about it my wanting to move except a friend (friends don't give me the same boost that the H does, obviously probably b/c he's my H). I was looking at apartments last night and it is overwhelming doing it alone. My first apartment my parents helped me, then I met H and every apartment since he's been by my side. Time to be a big girl now I guess.