I wish I knew what my WW has been telling the boys. My S4 and one of my S6's wants us back together. I am sure WW has prepped them to think that both her and I will get into another R with someone else. I also get sick thinking about it.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Juju, I still read your every post and send you my best always.
I just posted on my thread, check it out, I was prompted to action by your last post.
You'll see I share your cynicism. The only other thing that stood out was your comment about 'when the sex gets boring'. Looking into the hierarchy of needs I found it interesting to see that sexual instinct was in the mix along with food and shelter. It is a primal need because it is required for the very survival of the species. And while a man may have already had children, the internal priority doesn't suddenly change. If you choose to let a man into your life again please don't dismiss sexual fulfillment as an exotic luxury, but instead treat it like a requirement of survival for the relationship.
That said, I'd prefer you to sit R's out altogether for a year from when the D is final. It's great to ponder these things, just don't worry too much about it. How you feel today and how you will feel in 2 years when that door may open are two different things. And that's ANOTHER reason I encourage you (and everyone on these forums) to wait.
Take care J, take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just a warning. I have not been sleeping lately, so am a bit slow...
But to be honest, I am surprised that my last post prompted you in that way.
I have not really done any research on relationships. But I had always hoped for (and still do) a relationship like my parents (kind of). If one of them were to die, I really do not know how the other one would survive it. It will be absolutely depressing to witness. Or like my maternal grandparents. They always bickered in Italian, but we found it funny as kids. When my grandmother became sick, they had to literally force my grandfather to sign a statement saying that he would no longer support her, so that she could receive necessary health benefits. He didnt understand and was absolutely devastated. In my field, i work with people that have undergone some really life changing and devastating injuries, diseases, and dysfunctions. It is always endearing to witness their spouses support them though this. I would have stood by my husband's side through any of this.
I feel really dissapointed that my husband did not understand this, or perhaps did not value this.
He has written me off to all of his friends and family as verbally abusive and I will be that topic of complaint when it comes to how unfair the child support laws are.
BTW... When I said " when the sex gets boring" I was referring to a man leaving to find another woman, not woman refusing sex because the excitement is gone. Now That was an admittedly cynical and perhaps unfair male bashing comment. I was upset because that actually happened to one of the woman in my divorce care group and has made me fearful to trust in the future.
Will post more on your other points later! I think that can be a fun topic!
Trust me, I get it. I think some men give up on the idea of relationships (or never believed in them to begin with) and just settle for using women, acting and saying whatever they need to in order to get with them. Then when things progress to where it could impact their free bird lifestyle they bow out. I think it's important to be aware of this and protect yourself from being used or emotionally entangled with someone like this. From this lens it isn't male bashing, it's player bashing, and I'm all for it. And it mirrors men's fear that a woman will provide lavish and fulfilling sex until the ring is locked around his finger and then do an unwanted 180. In this case instead of being abandoned he is trapped.
I like the examples you gave of how committed relationships can work. I think we all can use more positive anecdotes.
My grandparents were like this. They had their pain points, and fought at times. My grandmother would get incredibly angry at my grandfather once in a while, just go on a rampage. And he would act in some patriarchal ways that would be looked at as oppressive nowadays. But they stayed together, loved each other, and cared for each other through it all.
That's what I had hoped for in my life, and I think we're on the same page there.
I do think that's unusual these days. I feel that there is a social revolution and everyone has been steering a different direction. Gender roles are all confused as there is a fine line between equality between genders and allowances that they may have different strengths, preferences, and needs. As a nation we're trying to understand what equality can look like if we could eliminate the social indoctrination of gender roles. Yet if there are differences it's hard to know what's nature vs. nurture, and if the goal is to stamp out differences then there is a point at which it may cause harm. I mean, picture a world in which no one needed anyone, we were all neutered at birth and given surgeries to have no physical genitals, and children were born through genetic labs and incubators. I know this is Orwellian, but sometimes it seems this is our trajectory. But while this isn't going to happen, the point is there's such a lot of confusion about how two people are supposed to fit together, and higher expectations about the quality of how it's supposed to look in the end.
Not saying it's impossible. I know some 'traditionalists' that have long lasting marriages. I'm looking for other models that work, those that shun the traditionalist model haven't shown me one that works any better. It sounds good on paper, but that comes from people filing divorces and talking about the theory of how marriages should work. If there's one thing I've learned from DB it is that the world works how it works, not the way we want. If it did none of us would be here.
Anyway, before I go even further off track I'll put a sock in it. Have a good day J!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi JJB, Would you be able to get free legal consultation from women's welfare group? Or you could google? I found quite a wealth of information on the internet.
Re the single mums dating part, I hear you. Not easy. But I refuse to let it diminish my sense of self worth. I have come so far and I am very aware of what I can give in a M. It's take it or leave it and I won't play games.
You're a great mum, and you deserve someone who gets you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
When I was single, I had no problem dating single mothers. I just tended to keep it light though, and away from their kids unless we became something long term. I would never shy away from a good woman just because she was a mom.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Ralph, My point was not that it is going to be hard to find dates. In fact just the opposite. Single moms have no trouble getting dates! They are actually targeted by some pretty sleazy guys. Guys will date them and then use the excuse that kid is involved to not commit. Even better is a woman recently divorced. Absolutely no committment expected then!
Now the topic of how long to wait to date?
I am not even divorced yet, so obviously not going to date any time soon. Hypnotherapist told me that I really should be in a positive place with myself in order to attract someone that will be a positive in my life. I think that makes sense. Also, I am fully aware of how vulnerable I am right now. I would probably be scrubbing floors, doing laundry and baking cookies To proove to someone I am in fact, worthy as a partner.
I do think that dating does help prevent some people that have cheating spouses, from pursuing and obsessing though.
I will be honest. the thought of waiting another year for a relationship is torturous, because what was just brought up as a primal need will be delayed another year! I am uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. For me, the risk of stds would not be worth it and it would not even be enjoyable for me without trust. But at the same time, I do not want to be in an unhealthy relationship either. There is more at stake as I have a kid.
Zues, So if sex is a primal need like food and water how long can someone be expected to go without? Or is there a difference in the definition of sexual instinct vs the act of sex?
Is sex necessary for survival of the species? Yes. is it necessary for survival of an individual? No. Is sex primal? hopefully. Is it a requirement for a healthy relationship? Yes, but there are exceptions.
please send some my way.