I ruined it all but want to change & make it work

[MrBond]

Have you and your W ever attended counseling before the A? What was the cause of the A?

[Ugh99]

We did not attend counseling before. The A happened because I was living on the opposite coast from my family for weeks at a time and I was quite depressed and lonely. I didn't know what I wanted and made a dreadful mistake. I liked my friend but not loved, we did activities and hung-out together but she knew how much I missed my home. I broke it off with her a number of times. I was preparing to move back home when this all broke in early Sept.

[MrBond]

While you were gone, how often did you have contact with your W? Obviously you didn't have any boundaries set up when you were hanging with your friend. Many people are fine with just being alone without someone else, so you must have had a deeper issue. Did you always have to have a member of the opposite sex around you?

How did your W find out?

[Ugh99]

I spoke to my wife and kids every day, sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for 60. No, never had to have a woman around. My wife saw a text while I was back home and then I believe she hired a PI who saw my friend and I walking down the side-walk. She called my friend and spoke to her. I then received an email informing me the marriage was over and a second one from her lawyer. I have not had any contact with my friend since, and have done a great deal of soul searching, counseling and prayer. I have been home once and things were good but my wife does not want to try or let me try. She's hired a litigating law firm but says she wants mediation. I am finally awake to how I have been and what it was like to be married to me but I am almost 100% convinced it is too late. I am holding on to hope.

[MrBond]

Specifically, how long did you talk to just your W? What were her concerns before?

So obviously if you don't need to have a woman around, you wanted her. Simple as that. Maybe it was a stupid mistake, but you did the crime. You were addicted to the OW and you continued it as your choice. Most people would have called it off after going out once.

I mean, do you have a medical condition? Have you been diagnosed with depression? Detail as best you can, your latest interactions with you W. Like what does she specifically say? How was your relationship with your W before you moved away for work?

[Ugh99]

Hi supportive friends, I know I should never give up and should keep fighting the good fight to try and save things but I am beginning to realize that will never happen. Realizing that eventuality has produced both sad and angry feelings unfortunately. My wife has every right to act as she is doing but I just don't understand why she wouldn't let me try to fix things. There is so much on the line but she says she is done and that nothing I do or say will ever change that. Sounds pretty clear when you stand back and think about it. I am trying to think about our children and what is best for them wrt the separation but I still come back to the idea that a family together is the best thing for everyone.

[sandi2]

Well, shoot! I had written a post that resembled the length of 25yrs ( ) and somehow deleted the thing.

Okay, I know you are really scared and you think time is running out for you & W. But if you can try to focus here and calm your nerves, I think the DB community will be able to help you get through this.

We need more information about the MR before the A. Obviously, an A was a deal breaker for your W. Or, that may have been the last straw for her, since she was the one living with your depression too. You see, it's not just our depression, but in some ways....it becomes our S's depression b/c of us.

Have you read the DR book? Get a copy and go to the chapter on the Last Resort Technique.

Important for us to know if you and W are still living together under the same roof.

First thing: Stop apologizing to your W. You've already done that enough. After a while....it loses its effect.

I wished I had time to retype everything I meant to send the first time, but I'm pushing the clock this morning. Please come back....and we will too.

[sandi2]

Are you under a doctor's care? You need treatment for the depression, ASAP! It has ruined your life! I will probably have to take AD meds for the rest of my life, but I don't have a problem swallowing a pill if it makes me bearable for my family to live with....and life is bearable for me to live. Keep at it until you find the right meds or doctor or whatever it takes to beat this dang depression!

Short term or life long depression makes a person so unattractive and certainly not pleasant for the other members of his family (especially his W). Depression can be seen as very selfish. I did not use to know that, but after it continues on & on and has the other S wore down and discouraged, yes, it can look selfish. I could write a whole lot more on the subject, but the point is to not stop until you find something that will give you positive results!

You've got to get out of this fear b/c not only does that make you look and act even worse.....it hinders you from anything positive. If you're already "dead" then what could be anything worse? What can hurt any worse? What could be worse than this? Right? If you've hit bottom, you can't go down any farther, right? Who will take the fear away? Who will lift you up by the boot straps? You! And we hope to give you the tools to do that.

This will be about you. Not about her. May not be what you expected to hear when you came, but it words for the one who signs up and sticks to it.

You must not pressure her, smother her, or pursue her in any form or fashion. Back off and give her space and time. We'll tell you how to do that without looking rude or mean.

You need to accept the fact the old M is over. It is dead. Don't try to raise it from the cemetery. However, you could go to work to prepare for a possible new MR, and hopefully, it will be with this W. But it will not happen in a short period of time. Hurt had to be healed, changes have to be made. Don't try to change anyone but you. Don't focus on her and what she's doing, just focus on what you are doing.

You may not be a goal setter, but learn to become one. It helps you make it from one day to the next (or one hour to the next). These need to be about you, not her. In other words, don't say, "My W will not get mad at me for one week". Also, don't make it too general, like..."We will not get D". Make it detailed and realistic. Break it down into the steps you need to take to reach your goals. Then break those down even smaller. You need to see small accomplishments instead of just one giant goal.

Find the man you use to be, or else improve upon who you use to be. Make this the biggest part of your goal setting. Changing yourself. Improving yourself until you are the very best man that you could ever hope to be. That is a full time job for most. By the time you reach that goal, you will be happy. Your happiness will not souly depend upon being M to your W. You can read countless stories how a H will finally do what we keep telling him and even if the D goes through......he'll say that he's happy with his life. Quite a testament, don't you think?

So, if you're ready to get to work, then put your working clothes on and push up your sleeves b/c you'll be here a while.

[bustorama]

Hey IRIA,

I have walked in shoes not unlike yours. Have a look back at my past threads, some may be useful to you. I am glad for you that this crisis has awoken you. Now it is time to be the man you wished you had been before.

Your W feels angry, hurt, betrayed, and disrespected in a way that we can only imagine. As Sandi has said, STOP groveling, begging, and apologizing. If and only if SHE brings the A up to you, "Yes, you are right. It was so wrong of me, to hurt you like that. You did not deserve that in any way."

RESPECT her now by agreeing with her desire to be apart from you and divorce you. She may change her mind, she may not. She will NOT do so by your begging her/convincing her/making her see something. You cannot control her, do not try. I understand that you are in great pain now, but it is selfish to fight her heart like that, especially at this time the way she feels.

You CAN control yourself. It is great some of the activities that you are doing to better or support yourself. Keep that up. What more can you do for yourself? What can you do with or for your kids?

I do recommend that you seek counseling (or at least self-help) for yourself for 1) your history of (and ongoing?) depression, 2) the emotional/boundary issues that led to you engaging in an A. This is the time to address both issues deeply, separate from your R/M.

In addition to DR, consider reading Not Just Friends (by Glass), Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend), Infidelity (Lusterman), and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (MacDonald). I caution you when reading these not to do so from the perspective of convincing your spouse of anything. Think of it as making amends for how you hurt her -- trying to understand where you went wrong so you won't do it in the future to anyone, trying to get an inkling of how she feels, and of what things might help her heal, whether with or separate from you.

Keep posting!

[Ugh99]

Hi Sandi, Bustorama, thank you so much for your kinds words and encouragement. Your support is very well received.

So, yes I am being treated for my depression. My wife and I are both doctors and while she recognized the signs of my illness before I did, I was reluctant to seek and receive care. My family has a well documented history of depression and so I should have checked things out a long time ago but truthfully my ego got in the way. Anyway, I have been medically treated for about eight years now. In January I moved to the west coast for my work in oncology which I was very wrapped up in. I was traveling back to the east coast every two weeks, then three weeks and then I was away at a month at a time. Being away and missing my family really put me into a tailspin of darkness and demons and I believe led me to the EA/PA. I sought MC on the west coast but wasnt really focused on it and my wife could see us moving apart. She inquired about any OW and I denied it. Things were not great when I was at home so my returning to work was likely a welcomed move from both of our perspectives. Long story short: after bomb was dropped by my wife I went full on IC, first as crisis management and then trying to find some answers to my depression/self-esteem death spiral. My IC and I have been working on that and how to deal with my kids, my wife, etc. I have also started CBT and have started to read as much on these things as possible.

I have been back at our home on east coast for the last week. Almost every day something negative has occurred between my wife and I: mostly resulting from me either trying to reconcile or being angry she does not want to. I sleep on other side of house and for the most part, have tried to focus on our kids. My W and I had a great talk yesterday; great in the sense we talked about our feelings and thoughts about the future. She wants to be good friends, and better co-parents but not married. I want, well you guys know that answer.

Sandi, Bustorama, I have read and heard about giving space, not bringing up any reconciliation and focusing on fixing me instead. It's slowly sinking in. Thanks for your help in that regard. You guys are great.