In-house Separation...feel lost

[Bman24]

ScaredinCanada,

thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. I am doing my best to get out of the house when I really want to do something. Not forcing myself out of the house though (unless I'm feeling angry/frustrated with W). Then I usually just go for a drive or run a few errands.

Coach,

If you knew some of the detectives in my department, you would probably rethink that advice, haha.

Angel,

Thanks for the input. And I know to trust my gut. My gut is telling me that all is not what it seems. Right now, I feel like she is trying to get a reaction out of me at all costs. She knows how observant I am and that those pills/tests would be easy to find. She didn't go out of her way to hide them. In fact, she left the BP pills on the sink for a week and the pregnancy tests are still in the boxes right under her sink.

She pretty much directed me to the receipts (that had the preg test purchases on them). Also, after I found them, I made room in the guest room and laid all the receipts and toys/gifts out in the open so we can see what we have. I told her about it and she thought it was a good idea (a place to wrap em up). The receipt with the test purchases is laid right in the open. If she was trying to hide that, she could easily just take the receipt and toss it. Its been down there for a few days.

Also, she kept the old pregnancy tests under the sink in the box. Now, I really dont think that's something you keep around if you are hiding an affair (heck, it's pretty nasty to keep urine sticks around, period!). She could easily trash them at work or in our garage. After I laid the receipts out, she even put a new pregnancy test under her sink right on top of everything. I go under there to get stuff so she knows I would see that.

I know to trust my gut. However, I also if something is THAT obvious, it may very well be some sort of setup. She appeared upset and cold today when she got home as I greeted her normally and acted upbeat. No mention of the tests, etc. She also went to the gym straight from work w/o texting or calling. No problem for me but Im sure she was expecting me to ask where she was since I was home with our son. I didn't ask.

The weird thing is that I am not really concerned if there is an actual affair or not at this point. She's already said she wants a D after our separation so there is nothing to gain for her at this point. If there is an A and I react without actually knowing, that will do nothing for ME. If there isn't and I question her about the tests and all that, then I just give her more justification to leave. Again, all of that will play out in time.

I'm just trying to be the best possible ME at this point. Had a really tough time yesterday and it really helped to vent here. It seems like I have a pretty short recovery time when stuff like this comes up. I get upset, vent it out, take some time away from her and the situation, and then get it all back into perspective.

I am just concerned for my W as a friend right now. I know she is going through a really tough time. She will always be the mother of my son regardless of what happens. I want her to be as happy as possible for his sake. Still trying to be a constant in her life. Giving her the space she requested (and that I need as well) and keeping a positive outlook. Whatever happens with our M, I feel like I will come out stronger, confident, and a better father by DB'ing.

Again, thanks for the responses. I know you many of you are in tough situations as well so I appreciate you

[sandi2]

How was your sex life before this last miscarrage? Have you ever noticed her being moody or showing any of these signs before?

There are a couple of reasons that I don't immediately think she's involved with OM. One is that she was just too obvious about planting all that evidence.....and when you wouldn't address it,then she gives you a road map. Secondly, you're a cop and if you are very good at your job....she would know to be extra cleaver about a cover-up. She meant for you to see all that you did. The question is "why"?

I had a couple of miscarrages,too. My doctor told me that in some ways...they are harder on a woman's body than if she had carried full term, b/c miscarrying is not "normal". The body rejects the fetus. Even if just a few weeks along, the woman can feel a great deal of guilt. I don't remember feeling guilt or mourning, just a deep feeling of loss. I had done nothing to cause it....but it happened.

I knew nothing about hormones back then and I thought I could just pick up and be like always. But, having babies, or losing them, can really mess a body up. So, your W may be suffering a great deal of emotional pain,or even fear of further loss in her life. Taking in consideration of what she said about her son not needing her, her mother facing cancer, etc.

If you've checked the avenues you know to check and nothing showed up that looks like OM, then it could be that she's trying to drown herself when she goes out drinking with her GF's....if that is who's she with. They could be having a lot of negative influence on M. Was she ever bad to drink before?

So, after promising to take all responsibility for your S the next 15 yrs, where does that leave you GAL? BTW, don't make promises to your W like that. That doesn't make up for the past (in her eyes) and you shouldn't apologize for be disabled. I'm sure it did have a lot of affect on her resentment...but it's in the past.

Do not....I repeat, do not shut yourself up in your bedroom so she can have space. This girl needs strong leadership. That's not the way to do it.

[Bman24]

Thanks for the reply Sandi. I've read many of your posts on the boards and value your opinion.

Sex life was good before the miscarriage. Nothing outstanding b/c of my shift work and our 2yo son but there were no signs of anything abnormal there.

All of the "evidence" is still laying in plain sight. She definitely knows that I've seen it and wants me to see it. She has done some serious button pushing/testing with money (as ive talked about), time at work, and other stuff. Things that I would have normally questioned in the past. I have just stayed consistent, not questioned it, and remained calm and upbeat at home.

I agree with the promises about our S and taking care of him. I was basically trying to let her know that I was upset as well that I couldn't help out more when I was hurt and I will do whatever possible to help out more in the future. I have not talked about that anymore. Im simply doing the tasks for my boy and enjoying every minute of it. My boy notices too and loves his daddy time.

I have been going to my room a bit early during the last two weekends. I have spent both Saturdays with her doing "normal" stuff and it has just been wearing on me emotionally. I just felt the need to take a few hours and relax by myself after those long days. I work the midnight shift at work so I don't hide out during the week...sleep during the day. I am going to try and spend at least one of my weekend nights downstairs (after I put my son to bed) and see how that goes.

I totally agree with her friends being a negative influence on our M. Her coldness actually started right after she spent a night out with her girlfriend from work. The only other night she went out was to their house. She got so drunk that she got sick and told me about it the next morning. I have no doubts that she was hanging out at their house during those times. Her friend is M and has a 2yo and the other friend is pregnant (and engaged).

These girls are definitely having an influence on my W's personality. They are all about dressing up, looking nice, and competing with each other with regard to material things. They have all talked about turning 30yo and that they need to live it up and enjoy their life before getting old. My wife has talked about how happy she is to have close friends. The problem is these friends are very self-centered and only seem to be concerned with themselves and getting the attention focused on them.

My W has not gone out with these friends for about a month. They are busy with their own lives and families. My W has no single friends that go out and party, etc. She has been content with "family time" recently. Her alcohol use (mostly wine) has definitely increased and she's back to smoking regularly. However, she does that mostly when Im not in the house.

I am just trying to find healthy boundaries for myself. I still feel like I need my own time and space to stay sane right now. I really appreciate your feedback. We will see how this weekend goes....

[Long_Way_To_Go]

Hi Bman24-
I just want to thank you for your posts. I have been feeling a little down about my situation this week and reading your story has given me a renewed perspective and dedication. I hope all of your hard work pays off soon.

[Coach]

The question is "why"?

This girl needs strong leadership.

She's begging you to take an interest in her, talk to her, support her, get to the bottom of things, "see her," be intimate, and lead.

Cop to business owner, "I was driving by while on patrol and I heard the alarm going off but since you didn't call 911 I kept on driving by. I felt everything was OK."

Business Owner, "I couldn't call, I was bound up in the back of the store that's why I sounded the alarm. Isn't it your job to investigate what is going on?"

[Bman24]

And so here we go. Had a terrible Christmas to say the least. On the thursday before Xmas, my wife had asked if I could watch our son because she was going to hang out with all the female managers at her workplace (they all had day off). I was fine with that. My parents were in town and stayed to play with our son that day too.

So, I had noticed my wife cleaned out her purse completely and all that was in there was a gift receipt for a Men's XXL fleece jacket that she bought with cash right after we got sep bank accounts. I dont wear XXL and needless to say I didnt get anything from her for Xmas. Just a dollar store card from our son. Also noticed some directions to an expensive hotel about 40 mins away from here. The directions were typed up with no names, etc on it.

So, my wife left at about 11am and came back at 5pm. I asked how everyone was and she said they were fine. I didnt go into anything else at that time. The next day, my W had a victorias secret bag out on the counter. She exchanged a $50 bra for a different size. She left the gift receipts out in plain sight almost begging for me to see them. Seems she got a pair of undies as well. Again, she left the gift box out right in her room (i have to go in and out of there daily to use bathroom).

So, thats where I am at today. The W has not told me about OM at this point but Im sure we are headed for that conversation. I am going to wait and get more evidence before talking with her. Im just having a really tough time today. I went from being furious to just being numb overnight.

Funny thing is that my W has been acting really nice since my last post 10 days ago. She was opening up to me, talking like friends, and taking more of an interest in what I was doing. She made my favorite type of cupcakes and left them for me on Xmas day and really opened up with alot of conversation about her friends, job, etc.

I am just a bit confused on where to go from here. My heart is telling me to just shut down. She sent me some text last night and I couldnt even respond. It was nothing important but just the sight of her name on my phone got me nauseuas.

I mean, we still live in the same house and raise our 2 year old boy together. We hardly have a legit separation in VA as we cook together, hang out, and spend most of day together. She does get on the computer alot and I have little doubt that she is talking to OM.

Im just really disappointed and hurt at the moment. My wife has been feeling the strain as well. She has been breaking out in rashes on her face and has been to the doctor several times. She talked to me about not having her period for 55 days (hence the birth control) and that the doctors said it was due to "stress." Its like she is trying to send out all of the signals but Im not sure what she is looking for. If this is an OM at work (which all signs point to), there are very few choices. One would be her boss and that would be a horrible situation. The few men at her workplace are married with children.

It seems like she is almost being obvious about everything and wants to get caught. I know the guilt is eating her up but Im just confused as she is finally getting warmer with me and opening up. Its either she wants guidance getting out of this A or she is trying to cake eat. I just cant see my W talking to me, etc like she has just out of guilt. She seems totally lost right now. She gave my mom and hug yesterday and would not let go of her. Not sure what was going on there but my mom said it felt like my W was going to collapse into her.

Just looking for a bit of guidance and support from you all right now. I have been doing great with GAL and 180s but now im just in a funk. Cant seem to eat anything. Ive lost 30lbs since this started (i wasnt overweight either). Just unsure of how to act around her when she comes home. The friendly approach and asking her questions was making progress but now I just feel defeated and done with her.

Also, what is the best way to approach the conversation about OM. I have read a few things about staying calm and setting boundaries. I am just looking for a bit more detail if possible. For the first time since this started, I again feel "lost." I know I am not alone and my sitch is far from unique. I just dont know how to continue down this path when my W is right in the room next to me and looking for conversation/friend. Just in shock today.

Thank you in advance for your advice. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.