Wife Left Me...Now What?

[voninva]

I posted my story in the new folks section and was told this might be a better place.

Here you go:

Me 45
Wife 42
2 sons (19 and 15)
Married 23 years
Retired from the military
Wife and I both work
Background:
Wife went on business trip Dec 08. Returned acting strange. Started spending hours on the computer. Denied a PA or EA when I confronted her. Found emails Mar 09 (I was looking because I felt she was not telling the truth...I was right). Wife said guy was only a friend (however, her "friend" was telling her he loved her and they need to make up for loss time.
Wife was sorry and begged me to foregive her..Two days later she stopped that...she started sleeping in gym clothes, would only be intimate if I asked her. Started sleeping in work clothes, went to counselor - wife said she did not like him after two sessions, went to female counselor - counselor told us that she could not help us if both parties do not want to work on the marriage, wife moved into another room in house, wife served me with legal separation papers, wife moves out of house into apartment, wife no longer will talk to me (unless it directly deals with the kids), wife stated relationship was broken beyond repair.

I'm heart broken. I have begged, cried and pleaded with her to not leave me and break up the family (oh thats right, she had an EA (strong evidance of PA) and I'm crying and begging her to stay).

What do I do? I'm currently in IC and that is not helping. I have tried to detach...I have tried no contact (she has actually gone NC on me) and I'm still broken up. I wake up everyday with the hope that it was only a dream, but it is not. My life will never be the same. I have been betrayed and I feel alone.

Any help at all would be great.

[K4D]

Sorry you are here. But this is a great place to be if you are in the situation you are in. Have you read Divorce Remedy? Are you doing anything to get a life? Stop all the begging, pleading, etc. That will only push her further away from you. You have to work on you now. Find things that make you happy. Do you have hobbies you enjoy? Friends you enjoy getting together with?

You have 2 sons. Focus on being a great dad to them. You are not alone and this is not the end. You have to change you before you can expect to see any change from her. This A will run its course. They usually always do but at different times. The best thing for you to do is be the better option for when it finishes. Keep the door home open and smooth. Make yourself a guy that any woman would be a fool to want to leave. Be confident in front of her when you do see her. Be cheerful. Do not let her see emotion. Act like you have your stuff together. Fake it til you make it. It won't be easy at first, but keep working at it and the more you do the more it will come naturally.

You have a great support system here. None of us want to be here. But we are all here. And marriage's do get saved on this sight in all kinds of conditions.

Kevin

[voninva]

You say marriages get saved. How? I agree with what you are saying, but where to from here. Do I post stuff or just read what others got to say?

[BigJohn]

You say marriages get saved. How? I agree with what you are saying, but where to from here. Do I post stuff or just read what others got to say?

Hey Voninva, glad to see you over here. I think this is the right forum for you based on the information you have provided thus far.

You will get the most out of this forum by interacting with others. Start by posting your experiences and questions first. When you get more comfortable and familiar with the boards here then you can start sharing your own feedback with others. It helps if you stay posting on one thread (this thread) up until it locks because it is much easier for everyone to keep up to date that way with your situation ("sitch"). However, when you are comfortable with giving feedback, feel free to bounce around to different threads on either this or any of the other forums.

Hope this helps.

[Very Scared 54]

Voninva

I to am sorry that you are here, but at least you are in the right place. I agree with what K4D and BIGJOHN wrote. You will get a lot of support, advice and opinions on this forum. BUT BUYERS BEWARE. Understand this, everyone here is going through the same thing you are BUT DEFERENT. Each person has their own story and issues they are dealing with and what will work for their STICH may not work for you. I am not saying that the people here are trying to lead you in the wrong direction. I truly believe they all do mean well. But when you are as lost as you are (and I was) it is hard to separate fact from fiction on what may work in your STICH.

If you have not read DB and/or DR you need to. It is the best place to start. It will give you the basic outline on what to do and not to do. It will explain the whys and why nots. After reading these two books you will be better prepared to plan out what you are going to do about your STICH. Then post here with any questions and up-dates that you have had. Read what others have done that worked and the things that did not work. Reading other's STICH will give you an understanding on how they are similar to yours. Once you get a good handle on what you need to do, then you can move forward with a clear frame of mind.

Know this ..... what you are about to do will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. It will take time and patience. You will have setbacks, movement forward, and some times no movement in any directions. You will make mistake, we all have, just do not make the same mistake twice. You may have to change strategies in the middle, be flexible. GET UP ONE MORE TIME THAN YOU GET KNOT DOWN. If you are truly committed to re-building your M you will have a better than even chance. It will work out the way it is supposed too.

I did what I just described and much more. I started out just like you, lost with no since of direction and very little hope. My STICH is deferent, but the same in many respects. What I did worked for me, based on the two people involved in my STICH. After it is all said and done you will have to do the same. You can not make someone happy and you can not change their mind, but you can influence the hell out of them. Your attitude, our demander and actions will determine how much success you will have in your goal with your R and M.

Please take the time to read my letter to Michele. It is in “Another Divorce Busted” titled Patience and Trust (6/26/09)

I truly hope that you will be successful in rebuilding your M and R. If you have any questions please ask. If you need to vent, do it here.

Keep your Eye on the Green.

Very Scared 54

[voninva]

OK..I'll keep it going. My wife has been gone for a month now. She really will not even talk to me unless she has to. This is such a big change from the first week or so. I have good moments mixed in with a ton of I'm bored, lonely, feeling sorry for myself moments. It seems like the first half hour of the day is worst. I wake up with a ton of anxiety and a feeling like my chest is going to explode. I suspect that I spend all night dreaming about her, and I know I miss having someone to hold and hold me at night. I have now got my dog trained to sleep in bed with me and she will actually put her head or paw on my hand. Don't know if she means to or not, but it actually comforts me (oh how sad...I'm now being comforted by a dog).

It is now the start of the weekend. This was always our time. Now I have the next two days of being alone and worrying about who she is spending her time with. So not fair that she gets to crush me and have a new relationship (coupled with the freedom she is so fired up about) to boot.

I sometimes feel like I will never be able to get over her and this pain. I want so much to go back in time and do things over, but it appears she is not going to give me my do-over. Why did I miss the signs that she was moving away from me and falling for another person or life? If I could have seen it earlier maybe I could have stopped it.

Any help would be appreciated.

[BigJohn]

Voninva,

I'm possibly a step away or two from where your at right now with your W. I hope my sitch doesn't go that far and my W and I can recover, but who knows?

I know where you are coming from with the self reflection. We have all been there. What is done is done, you can't go back and change things. All you can do is to take accountability for your 50% of the R ("relationship") with your W ("wife"), identify those factors which contributed to the breakdown and work to correct them. Make yourself a better man than you were before. That's your end game- it's about you first, then anything positive that results from those changes- like reconciliation with your W.... or a new R with another woman. (I know, I can't imagine a R with another woman myself right now either.) You also need to be strong for your kids. Spend as much time with them as you can.

Another thing you will hear about from others on this forum is the idea of detachment. There are books that cover detachment much better than I could in this post. One book title that keeps coming up on the forums is "Codependent No More"- check it out on Amazon. The detachment is something that I am currently working on myself. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm getting close and I'm starting to see the value in it. Check it out.

Get to work on addressing the anxiety, that is no good for you for sure. Start getting out to the gym to work that stuff off. At the very least, start going out for walks around the block or go for bike rides. Whatever you do, get that anxiety out of your system.

You can do this.