My opinion is that this is absolutely something you should be thinking about. I know one of the biggest hurdles I have faced (and still face) is the guilt that I carry inside for leaving, the feeling that I don't deserve to come back after all the pain I've caused my H... the feeling that he deserves better and that it's better off for both of us if I just stay gone. I've never actually talked to my H about this issue (I suppose I should), but I guess the one thing he could do would be to say that he knows I left for my own reasons, that he forgives me, and that he'll never use it against me in the future when he can (i.e. during arguments, etc.) That's probably the most important thing - not so much what you do now, but what you do in the future. Never use something as painful as walking away from a marriage against your wife if she does come back for good...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Thank you for your comments. It is very good food for thought. We are only human and as humans we make mistakes. Sometimes we recognize them right away and regret doing it. Other times someone else has to point out our mistakes. If in your heart what you did was without malice you can still regret what you have done. Malice creates embracement, denial, guilt, and then anger. None of these things are health to a weak, struggling relationship. But we all make mistakes no matter how hard we try. Understanding and forgiveness will go along way to improve things.
My W did what she had to do, because I believe in her heart that she felt it was the only thing she could do and not die emotionally. It will take her time to find herself. I am using this time to make me better. If I make myself better, I can have the strength to help her work things out in her mind. I hope in this time span I can grow enough to purge the malice from my heart that was created in my sitch; I will never remind her of these past few months. Because she will always remember the pain and hurt that has occurred between us and if I use it against her in the future then I did not learn to forgive, which is not good for anyone. If you are strong enough and dedicated to really be a good friend first and loving partner in a relationship, you are ready to offer your unconditional love. This is something you will work on your entire life. It is not the easiest thing to offer/supply, but you get out what you put in. Nothing worth having is valueless.
When she is ready I am ready to offer her my unconditional love. I just got to figure out how I can explain it her. It will be easier for her to move in that direction if she does have to feel guilty for being wrong. In her mind she isn’t wrong.
I have some more questions for any of the WAS. I have been reading your sitchs and some of you have been separated for months and in some cases a year or more. My WAW started saying she needs out of the R/M. During the first two bomb shells (within 3 weeks) she implied that she eventally wants a D. But she has not said anything about wanting or starting to work on the big D since and that has been 3 months ago. Please understand Please understand I mean no disrespect to you or your sitch with these questions.I am just trying to understand.
If your sitch was so bad that you felt you had to leave the relationship: Why haven't you taken steps to start the D? If you were so sure the the R was so bad that it caused you to leave, why didn't you go head finish what you started? Why are you dragging things out? Is it because you are not as sure about now about ending the R/M?
I have some more questions for any of the WAS. I have been reading your sitchs and some of you have been separated for months and in some cases a year or more. My WAW started saying she needs out of the R/M. During the first two bomb shells (within 3 weeks) she implied that she eventally wants a D. But she has not said anything about wanting or starting to work on the big D since and that has been 3 months ago. Please understand Please understand I mean no disrespect to you or your sitch with these questions.I am just trying to understand.
Your insight would be helpfull to me. Thanks
If your sitch was so bad that you felt you had to leave the relationship: Why haven't you taken steps to start the D? If you were so sure the the R was so bad that it caused you to leave, why didn't you go head finish what you started? Why are you dragging things out? Is it because you are not as sure about now about ending the R/M?
Hi very scared, so glad you responded b/c I was worried that you might not come back. It is important to keep posting on the bb. Also, go to other forums, read their posts and respond to them. If you want their advice, ask for it.
Saving face. Boy that is a tough one. That is exactly what the issue was with my H when I was about to leave him. He told me if I ever left....there would be no coming back. It was his pride talking. I think he would have eventually changed his mind, but it would have been very embarrasing for him. It depends on the "role" in the community or church or job....whatever, that I think puts this pressure of "saving face" on a person. However, you have certainly done the correct thing in refusing to discuss your personal MR with anyone. The less people that know anything, the better your chances are for her coping.
About the second year I was M, I tried to leave my H for about a week (long story) and it could have become very hard and embarrasing for me to face people simply b/c of them asking questions. I just wanted it over with......for everyone to find out and get it over with. However, it didn't quite work out that way. His relatives all knew, though, and that was bad enough. Right away, he had me to go with him to a family function and I was pleading with him not to make me do that b/c I felt so self conscious. However, he was immature and he didn't realize what he was putting me through.
I haven't answered your question. Just shared some of my own thoughts. Again, I think it depends on her "reason" for wanting to save face. Who is she embarrased to find out about her decision to change her mind?
It's kind of like Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" Then the Bible has a verse of scripture that puts stubborness in the same verse as withcraft.....man, that will make you stop and think about the seriousness of it. The number one sin that God hates above all else is pride, which of course is the same thing as saving face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If your sitch was so bad that you felt you had to leave the relationship: Why haven't you taken steps to start the D? If you were so sure the the R was so bad that it caused you to leave, why didn't you go head finish what you started? Why are you dragging things out? Is it because you are not as sure about now about ending the R/M?
In my case, D has been filed - it's just now on hold. H and I both got cold feet when the pretrial was scheduled and immediately decided to try MC first. I don't know about others on here, but I left because I was dying emotionally. I had to leave to try to save whatever humanity was left inside of me. It has been extremely rough, but I can say that even as painful as it has been, I have accomplished what I set out to do - and that was learn how to feel again... even if that feeling seems to be pain most of the time.
Yes, things are being dragged out. And yes, mostly because neither H nor I know how we want things to end. We are still best friends, we still love each other... we just don't know if it's better for us to remain friends or to try to remain married. I never dreamed that six months later I would still be in the same position I was in when I first left (uncertainty, not knowing, etc.)... but someone once told me that my M didn't reach this point overnight so it's absurd to think that it can be fixed overnight. Those are the words of wisdom that I currently cling to....
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
[quote] To answer your question, H has said that he will not be the one to end this marriage - that ball is in my court. However, he is not prepared to fight for it either, so I guess there is no real initiative for me to do either one. He tells me that he won't wait forever, but then he says he won't end the marriage so I really don't know where he is on everything.
I know this is a very old thread, but I was wondering- what would "fighting for the marriage" look like? My WAW told me basically her A was my fault because I "chose to ignore the signs that something was wrong" when she did not come home as often as she could have from a long term temporary job assignment. As far as I was concerned, I was trusting her and trusting in our marriage... I'd never had reason to doubt her, so the fact that she was starting an EA never entered my mind!
I have wondered if she wanted me to charge in, demand to know what was wrong, and force her to stop the EA before it got physical.
Would, coulda, shoulda.... :-(
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Sorry that you are here. My WAW was not having an A with a person. It had a lot to do with her job. She was at the top her game. She told me that she was getting more satisfaction form the job than she was at home. Her job was far enough away from our home it was more cost effective and physically less wear and tear on her to rent an apartment and stay there during the week and come home most weekends. So when she came home to the house hold chores and seemingly know affection form me she felt undesirable and that I was involved with someone else. She was dead set on a D.
Like a typical male I started looking around for things I to fix. Well I found a bunch of stuff that I needed to be fix within me. I worked really hard becoming more aware of the things I was and was not doing. One thing I realized that I did was making her pick between and her job. The things I did not do were showing her affection and that I was happy to see her after her absence form home.
Now there are a number of other things that I have changed in myself that I am very pleased with. It has made me what I hope is a better person.
I do not know anything about your stich. I have only read what you have just written here on my thread. Maybe you should show her more affection, more attention and maybe tell her that you trust her. You probably have told her that, but actions are a lot better than words. If you can try making plans for the two of you to do something romantic or fun the night she comes home.
The first night she came home after 6 months of separation, I surprised her with a CD of belt buckle shining music and we danced and danced. I then drew a hot bubble bath in which I place rose pedals on the floor leading from the hallway through the bedroom, into the bathroom, and in the bath itself. I put lighted candles all around the tube. I put two big bath towels in the dry and warmed them up. While she was in the tube soaking and looking at the rose pedals I bought her a glass of her favorite wine. I have done something like that each weekend she has come home. Now it is not as complex than the first weekend, but it is deferent or fun, but it is always a surprise. This got me and my W back on track. It worked for me. It may or may not work for you.
That’s one way you can fight back. That is if you really want to fight back. If you don’t will not be able to show real pleasure in doing the deed.
Hey VS54- You offer very good advice. Unfortunately, my WAS is heavily involved in a PA and says she is "in love". For all intents & purposes, we are separated, as she has not slept at home in a few weeks. Although my W is home from the job assignment and the OW lives in IL (we are in NJ), the OW does not have a job. That leaves her free to follow my W like a puppy dog, coming to NJ, looking for a job in NYC, and putting her house in IL on the market. :-( I am trying to wait this out, as I am sure it is going to blow up or fizzle, but my W is pushing for D.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Hang in there and keep DBing - do you have the books? I have DB, DR and 5LL and they have been very helpful so far. I'm sorry I don't have specific advice for you, but know that you are not alone and we're here to support you.
Cheers,
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
