New thread time! Last thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2149674&#Post2149674W called me about 10:30. I was working out at the gym but stepped out for a bit. She appreciated that. She told me that she'd fallen down some stairs at SIL's and had been in bed the last few days. I listened and affirmed. She said "we need to talk about something".
She said that when I said I love you, that it bothered her. That she knows how I feel. Getting quiet, she said that it hurts, that she enjoys talking to me but asked that I keep that inside. She said we would probably need to stop talking at some point - and then really sounded like she'd cry. I could tell she'd been thinking about this. She asked me to e-mail her if I had things like to say.
I stayed quiet and listened. She asked why I was so quiet. I said I was sorry she felt that way, that I wanted her to know how I felt, and it wasn't my intention to hurt her. I told her I would let her know if I didn't want to talk any more, and it wasn't now.
We then had a nice talk for the next 20 minutes. I told her I hoped she slept well and had sweet dreams. She said "I hope so too".
Just as good as ILU I think. Chilling out now and letting her make contact. I think the e-mail suggestion is an opening I need to take at some point.
No contact for a few days, then some nice texting Friday night. W was helping SIL with a garage sale on Friday. She's so good at that stuff, and I told her that. She said she and SIL are two peas in a pod.
She called early Saturday morning to get the specs on her laptop she's trying to sell. I played some disc golf with friends, hit the gym after that, took a nap and then meet K4D and FaithfulH for some fantastic barbecue and DB chat.
New perspectives that I took away:
- definitely needs to be a cutting off if W finalizes the D. Not really a need to tell her that, she seems to know it already, let it play out.
- of her options for moving, she would be miserable in New York. She hates cold, and mountains. There's still snow on the ground right now. FaithfulH moved to Texas from the East Coast, says there's no way she could do it. Not that I want her to be miserable, but good to know.
- she has family issues, health issues, financial issues, it's a lot at once
- don't fight the D, but don't help either. Make her do everything, appointments, etc.
This last one is interesting, it worked in FaithfulH's case. W had been agitated when she visited, telling me I needed to respond to her L and get things moving while she was in New York. I drew the line, told her there's a 60-day waiting period, and that I would NOT be doing anything while she was out of state. She ended up not even sending the papers before she left. That is, if they exist at all.
W called a few times while we were out, I decided I was out with my boys and too busy. They liked that. Finally she texted "sale went well, I'm going to bed" and I called it a night with them.
We talked for almost an hour on my way home. BIL is sold his car at the garage sale, which I thought was hilarious. I told her I'm about to accept an offer on my truck. She laughed and said "I'll believe it when I see it". It came up that I'm in a rental car, and she asked why. I didn't feel like hiding it, so told her about the motorcycle. Also told her things are under control.
She said "I'm so sorry you have to go through this". She also got quiet and said she and SIL had passed a motorcycle wreck on the way to NY. It had just happened, and there was blood and body parts across the highway. Wow. She said "this country isn't set up to only have a motorcycle. You're next to 18-wheelers all the time. I worry about you".
This is intersting, because the Harley was W's idea. Early in our separation, and she loved it. We had her gear and everything, which she still has. We used to take rides all the time, but now her head hurts too much, and her world has gotten so small.
She started saying I needed something reliable, with A/C, and then said "I'll stop". I told her it's under control, that it [censored] but I have a lot of friends helping me, including the finance manager at BMW. She liked that I'm helping him write a song in exchange for help.
So that goes to FaithfulH's final point. He says our spouses will always be hyper-critical until they get back on their own two feet. And in his sitch, he was very careful to not berate his W to the kids. He had to take it while she said horrible things about him. Now, 4 years later, the kids are starting to see his side, that his W had a lot to work on herself. He said God is just and works it out in the end. I think that goes for all family and outside people.
It's good to get some outside perspective. I see now how ridiculous it is for someone in W's situation to be criticizing my job, my car, that I don't own a house, etc. I'm drawing the line on that, and cutting her off when she goes into FIL's tone and advice-giving mode. It's changing the dynamic already.
Wow Jon, good for you. What I wouldn't do for H to even try to contact us.
How is Faithful and KD4? I haven't seen a post from KD4 in so long and he was my inspiration. I was ready believe it or not lol to just say the heck with it already as far as my M until I honestly believe that God sent him to me to tell me about Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That is why I started standing for my M. Although from what happened yesterday I don't to think anymore. It also seems I hurt more now from things H does or doesn't do. I thought I would feel better turning to God and following my vows.
I feel better about being closer to God but it seems standing and forgiving after yesterday is a lot more harder.
Wow Jon, good for you. What I wouldn't do for H to even try to contact us.
How is Faithful and KD4? I haven't seen a post from KD4 in so long and he was my inspiration. I was ready believe it or not lol to just say the heck with it already as far as my M until I honestly believe that God sent him to me to tell me about Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That is why I started standing for my M. Although from what happened yesterday I don't to think anymore. It also seems I hurt more now from things H does or doesn't do. I thought I would feel better turning to God and following my vows.
I feel better about being closer to God but it seems standing and forgiving after yesterday is a lot more harder.
Sry Jon, this is hard without an edit button and using phone instead of a computer.
Keeping up the texting contact, letting W call if she wants to. Sent her a picture of my friend with his baby daughter this morning. They were our closest couple friends. W responded "sweet girl".
Tonight they opened a free clinic at church with six new beds. I took a pic and told her that all the doctors and nurses are volunteers. "You would love this, baby" I said. She responded "cool".
Later she texted me to check the news, and I read the Osama is finally dead.
Looked up my favorite quote from the Horse Whisperer tonight. "You see Annie, where there's pain, there's still feeling and where there's feeling there's hope. Don't let her turn you away"
Jon,
IMHO I think you are doing great. At least there is communication and has been, she contacts you when you know she doesn't have to or really need to at this point.
Keep going, you are doing great.
Good talk with W Monday afternoon, and some texting today.
I'm preparing to lead worship this weekend at my brother's church, and someone requested a song he wrote. When we were in a band together 6 years ago, MIL was so comforted by the song that she requested it at her funeral. It's called "My Soul Waits" and is based on Psalm 130.
MIL's death hit us so hard, and only 4 months into our marriage. I didn't know how to deal with it, or to help W. Really, we never did deal with it, or recover from it.
I didn't even realize the significance when W asked recently asked for a copy of the song "your brother wrote, the one we played at my Mom's funeral". I found the exact file on my computer, still named "My Soul Waits Melanie", and sent it to her. I'm sure she's feeling it with Mother's Day coming up. Not sure what's going on up there in New York, but it's something.
Nice to see the perspectives from K4D and FaithfulH.
Good stuff.
Love the tactic of not helping her with the D. That's what I did for a long time and it definitely made an impact on his willingness to R, at least while OW was out of the country lol.
Someone told me when I was new here, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
Time and time again I have seen that proved out.
Hmmm, interesting thought Michelle. I would have to say that's true, and hate to admit but it came from my side during the marriage.
The weekend in Killeen went great, several good client meetings as well. My full-time boss got antsy yesterday, which was hard, but I may start making so much on the side that I drop to part time. It will be a careful balance until then.
Still dealing with insurance crap about the theft. This is such a drag. Pushing through it though. Looks like I have a roommate lined up also, confirmed that today.
Nice talk with W last night. She was in Albany for the weekend, and flies back to Texas on Saturday. I've been so busy while she's been gone, which has been good.
It sounds like she's had a good visit, other than the cold. I know Sunday was hard for her, hopefully the song she asked for helped. You never know what God can use, and I learned that again.
Glad all your GAL stuff is on such a roll! It's nice to be busy with your own stuff and not spend too much time dwelling on them and the past.
Glad she had fun on her trip. Those kinds of anniversaries are always hard, I'm sure she appreciated you sending her the song.
Just focus on the GAL and you. Give it time and space to play out.
W texted Saturday from the NY airport asking if she could borrow $250 and pay me back next week. I tried to call and she didn't pick up. I texted "I'd love to help but have some questions first. Call when you can."
She tried to call but I was busy doing something really fun for work and missed it. She texted
"Okay. Tried to call you but missed you. I'll make it work, nevermind about the loan. About to board my flight back".
Later that night she texted "Hey Jon. Just thought I'd let you know I'm back in Tejas"
I responded "Great! Thanks for letting me know".
Without trying to be controlling, my questions for her would definitely have been whether she's still going through with the D and what the next steps are. Asking to borrow money in that situation is insane. So it's either she's reconsidering a bit, or just not thinking straight.
My weekend was fantastic, and so full of great times with friends and some work thrown in. This exchange might have really brought me down before. It hurts to not be able to help her. It feels good that I easily could have. Good stuff this week as well in all of my jobs. TGIF!
That's a totally reasonable boundary to have. Things have to change with S and D, both for your mental health and for any chance of R. It's important to detach and let them fend for themselves, feel what it's like to not be in that R, otherwise they can't miss the unconditional love and support that was theirs to have.
Glad you had a good weekend. And that job stuff is going well! You have been busy busy!
Great weekend, met with K4D and TulsaTime from here and another guy as well. Love Hard Eight Barbecue. Helped build my friend's house out at camp as well.
Went last night to the first In-N-Out in Texas. Man the crowds are crazy! Very good. Went and worked out after that and watched the Mavs make it to the finals. Too bad for the Lakers
Nice texts with W back and forth, contact had been kind of low so thought I'd give it a shot.
Today she asked me if I'm still driving my truck, and I told her that I still have the rental car. It's been such a blessing. We were texting about some other stuff, and she said "I obviously haven't had a chance to send the paperwork yet". I just ignored that. Not going to talk about D papers on SMS.
She mentioned that I might not need to insure the truck if I'm not driving it. Right now she's paying the truck insurance and I'm paying the IRS payment because it's about the same.
So, sounds like she might be moving forward with things. Or thinking about it. I might send her an e-mail because that's what she requested. Thinking of taking a chance and sending her something from "Army Wives" the summer she left. I've been watching it a lot. We enjoyed that show so much right up until S.
The video is a song called "Wounded Heart", and I really remember it getting to me that summer. It really describes our sitch I think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhIsOqJMkmMWounded heart
I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave
It never helps
Cause your trouble's like a flood
Raging through your veins
And no amount of love's enough
To end the pain
Tenderness and time can heal
A right gone wrong
But the anger that you feel
Goes on and on
And it's not enough to know
That I love you still
So I'll take my heart and go
For I've had my fill
If you listen you can hear
The angels' wings
Up above our heads so near
They are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love
When it falls apart
When it cannot rise above
A wounded heart
Those are really powerful lyrics. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Scylla!
Talked with W several times over the weekend, helping her aunt and uncle with their new iPad and iPhone. I could tell she wanted an excuse to call, and it was nice.
Tuesday night, she asked if I could call after work. I tried and didn't get ahold of her, got a text "sorry have a headache today". I tried again after watching the Mavs game. She had her business voice on, told me the lawyer spelled my name wrong so she's having that revised and then will send me the D papers.
I really had no response to that. Just doesn't make any sense at all what she's doing right now. I stayed quiet. She said "just wanted to give you an update".
I said "hope you start feeling better" and hung up.
I have to be honest, it got to me. I didn't sleep much that night. I just really don't want to donate a few grand to a lawyer right now, and had an overwhelming mix of anger, disbelief and confusion.
Fortunately Wednesday I had meetings for breakfast and lunch, and then practice with some guys for a show I'm playing June 12th. We went out to drinks afterwards and had such a great time. At 1:30 AM they offered to let me crash there. It's also my pastor's house, which felt kind of weird. I made a joke about being a 30-year-old bum crashing at places, and the pastor's son said "Man, you're easily the coolest 30-year-old I know".
I needed that. Just completely don't feel that way at all. Almost started crying actually. None of my checklist for 30 years old has happened. Marriage-wise, career-wise, any of it. I feel like such a failure. The outside perspective was nice.
Yesterday W got a cool little bonzai azalea tree I ordered for her a couple weeks ago. Interesting timing. I had a coupon code that was going to expire anyway, so thought "what the heck?" She tried to call and I ignored it, so she texted thanks and a picture of it. Later she texted "watching the Mavs?" and I ignored that too. I don't really want to deal with her for a little while.
Though I was watching the game, at the arena, one of the greatest comebacks in Finals history. Just incredible. Having so much fun basking in it today. This city is ready for a championship. So really, everything in my life is going well except for W, her crap and the crap she's causing me. A thought comes to mind: screw that.
Ha ha, I love it!
Had a great, full day yesterday. W texted as I was about to go to bed "are you free?"
I texted that I had to get up early, but could talk for a little while. She asked about how Dallas is going crazy after the win, thanked me for the little bonzai azalea tree and told me about it. She asked "what was the occasion?" I said no occasion really, just wanted to brighten her day. I order it a couple weeks ago.
"Oh, she said. Did you regret sending it now?"
I told her no, and dropped the subject. We talked for a little while more, and then I told her I was tired and ended the conversation. Pretty good I think. I wasn't in the mood to address the subject any more than that. W is spending time with her family this weekend.
Good time playing disc golf this morning, then moving my new roommate in today. He won't be fully in until the end of the month, but will slowly move in until then. A little nervous and mixed feelings, as this feels like a big step to moving on, but I'm excited overall.
Glad you are keeping busy.
Don't let the roommate thing feel like it closes off doors. That can always be changed later if circumstances require. Just do what you need to do for you right now.
Glad you are keeping busy.
Don't let the roommate thing feel like it closes off doors. That can always be changed later if circumstances require. Just do what you need to do for you right now.
This is such good advice. DBing 101 I know, but I'm still learning. And the better I feel, the better for everything.
Things really warmed up for a few days. Good long talk on Wednesday, and I got a call while W was on the phone that the police found my motorcycle! It's repainted white with no seat, pipes or ignition, but mechanically seems just fine. Working with the insurance on it.
Saturday she asked if I made the IRS payment because she got a certified mail notice. Told her yes but I'd double-check. Had some contact with W every day until Monday. When I was on the way to welcome the world champion Mavs home from the airport, W called and we chatted for a bit, then she said she's finally got the D papers ready and asked how she should send them. I told her she can e-mail me about that and ended the call. She called back crying, said she just wants to do this nicely, doesn't want to serve me, and wants an answer. I told her she could e-mail me.
I just don't get it. Why did she feel such a need to tell me that? And if she's so emotional about it, why go through with it? I wasn't going to let it ruin my day.
Later that day, a text "I'm sorry to upset you, e-mail is fine".
Yesterday I verified that the IRS check had gone through, and sent her a picture of it. I sent her another e-mail which I'll post later.
She responded "thanks for getting back to me. I wasn't able to get to the post office b4 leaving town. Will be back in PA Monday."
Then another "sleep well. Goodnight"
Glad you are getting closer to a resolution on your motorcycle.
As for W, she obviously wants the D but not to cut emotional ties. I don't really understand that, my XH was like that at times, and pulled the "can't we be friends" as recently as a year ago. You have to decide what your boundary is. Mine was, you left me for OW, you wanted this D, if you go through with the D we're done. No we can't be friends. But everyone has to decide for themselves.
Friendship is the road to R even after D. But it's about what you believe. What your goals are. And what you can handle.
Why tell you? Because she wants this to be easy. She wanted to give you advance warning so you wouldn't be caught by surprise.
The WASs always want the D to be easy. Then they don't have to feel bad about their decision. Reality rarely cooperates though, whether in the form of the LBS or the court. Lol.
Why go through with it? Because it's her choice, her journey. She obviously believes D is the only way to truly claim her independence. Do we know that's a bunch of BS? Yes. But she has herself convinced D is the only way. It doesn't matter if it's true, she doesn't see the other options, so it's true to her.
Good thoughts Michelle. I do have some decisions to make and some goals to set.
The papers came last night. Filed March 23rd. My name is mis-spelled wrong at the top. W had mentioned it took some time to have her L correct my name. So maybe corrected it wrong.
I'll get with her on it, but not today. Today I'm at the Mavs victory parade. Always wanted to see one of these!
No contact from W until Saturday. I had a great time with a friend on Friday night and Saturday morning. He helped me fix my truck, again, which was a huge relief. No word from insurance company on my motorcycle yet.
Saturday afternoon I went to a friend's wedding, then an opening celebration for a new train line that's running from Dallas to Denton.
Got a text from W:
"Hey"
I responded:
"Hi"
"Are you okay?"
Here we go. Such a loaded question, and feels condescending. Some thoughts ran through my head. "Yes W, I didn't drop dead when the papers came in the mail. I'm doing just fine actually"
I took a breath and decided to keep it nice.
"I am. Good time with Thom and now I'm riding the new train to Denton. Bands and food at every stop. Building our limo sites while I ride. You?"
"Sounds like your kind of day"
"I had a wedding up here anyway, it worked out. Limoptimized.com should be up now"
Later, I told her I had a "New Orleans style snowball". She asked "isn't that just a big snowcone?" I told her yes, which is hilarious. Good branding.
We texted for the next hour about our favorite places to eat, cool college hangouts that are moving to her town, sent a couple pics back and forth. I told her I was enjoying listening to the Rangers while I drove. She said "boring". I said I used to think baseball was boring, but find it relaxing now, must be getting old. She said "golf is next, lol".
No mention of the D papers. If she does bring it up I'll tell her I need to check on if they're legal with a mis-spelled name. Do you know Michelle?
Later that night I ended up at a sweet party with some friends. Probably the biggest coolest mansion I've ever been to. Texted W:
"Now at a great party at an anesthesiologist friend of Tina's. She's impressed with my Cupid Shuffle. I hit the margarita machine a few times first"
She responded a couple hours later "please don't be a drunk".
LOL. Not too happy that I have my own life, eh W? I don't want to be passive agressive, stick my head in the sand. But I'm not going to help the D process either. That's what FaithfulH recommended, worked for him. One day at a time.
The misspelling is what is "commonly" called a scrivener's error. It doesn't affect the legal validity of the paperwork as long as it is still obvious the papers are meant for you (correct address, correct wife
, etc.)
The Cupid Shuffle has made it to California too lol. It's too simple for my tastes though.
Good attitude. You definitely don't have to help the process along.
Thanks Michelle!
Texted W on Sunday in response to the "drunken" comment "Haha, don't worry. I played church Sunday morning and then Austin for Father's Day, so couldn't party too hard. You have a good day?"
Got a response from W last night "Hey I am glad to report that I got a Palm Pixi for my bday! Woowoo"
Dangit. I knew the 21st was in my mind for some reason. Such craziness lately, and should I be doing anything for the bday of the person who just filed on me?
I decided to count the flowers I sent her earlier this month as bday and play it off. Responded "Awesome, happy birthday! How's the bonzai azalea doing?"
Also sent W a song yesterday that we're playing in church on Sunday. She loved it while we were dating, 8 years ago, and I hadn't heard it since then.
You know, it's so weird the first time you forget your WAS's birthday. But in a good way.
It shows that you really are pulling the focus off them and giving them space. After all, she is pushing like she wants to go forward with the D again. So, with that should come reduced expectations.
Besides, the azalea definitely counts for something.
Good thoughts Michelle.
Got an e-mail from W that she liked the song, then another one asking if I got the "paperwork". I was heading to lunch with a friend so ignored it. 2 hours later I get this:
"Jon,
Would you like to come for a visit sometime next week?"
What? It's almost schizo. Thinking a face to face meeting about the D stuff would be good, I responded:
"W,
That would be good. I got the papers and we need to talk about them."
Her:
"Okay, if you'd like to talk about it before then, that would probably be for the best. I don't want things to get heated between us, it's too painful."
Interesting. Understandable I think, she's been through so much pain, and is still having migraines daily. This really makes it sound like she misses me and wants to see me. I'm going down tomorrow. Haven't had a really good visit since September. Can't believe that's almost a year ago. Keeping my expectations low and seeing what happens.
Wow. LOL
Are you sure she doesn't have an extra personality somewhere? LOL
Seriously though, the WASs always want the D to go smoothly. Some of this may be her way of just trying to make it easy, even though she still intends to go through with the D. Some of it may be uncertainty. It's impossible to know for sure. Speculation is just a waste of time.
Can't wait to read your update!
I drove in on Tuesday before the 4th. I had mentioned to W that I wanted to buy some jeans. We went out to Fuzzy's Tacos, a very hip college place that's unusual in her town. She loved the margaritas. She had coupons for Old Navy and JC Penney, and we really put them to good use. I fit in much smaller clothes than before, which was exhilarating. We also hit a Bed Bath and Beyond sale and had a great time. W has become quite the coupon user, which is a big change. It's one of the few things she can control right now, and she's doing a great job.
She had a birthday burger coupon at Fuddruckers, and while we were there she said "I think you can stay with me tonight, because things are nice now, but let's see about tomorrow". Then she let me sleep in her bed. No ML, which probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyway, but it was very nice.
The next day I got breakfast from a donut place she loves and worked from GFIL's office all day while she washed my new clothes and did her laundry. She mentioned not doing laundry in several weeks, and being worried about getting pulled over because of some unpaid tickets. Things haven't been going well for her, but she really seemed to enjoy having me there, and was surprised how well we got along.
That night she wanted to talk business, and I told her we need to get the taxes figured out before things can proceed, because that will be the biggest part of the D. She said she wanted to know I'm not just "sticking my head in the sand" about it. I told her no. She mentioned that she spent a lot of money to file. It was a tough conversation, and I went to sit on the back patio and pray afterwards. She let her black lab Coco come with me. It's hard that she still wants this, and is ignoring the friendship and love we have. I wondered why I was even there, but kept acting as if.
I stayed that night, and the next day found her crying in the living room. She was the 1-year anniversary of her grandma's death. She said GMIL was her favorite out of everyone. She mentioned going to the cemetery, and I said I'd like to go. She quickly said "I need to go alone". I didn't push it, and later she asked if I would drive her to a vet's appointment and then the graveside. I even used some coupons shopping while she was at the vet. Her aunt, GFIL, GMIL, and MIL all share a small mausoleum. I watched from afar back in December but hadn't been there yet. I helped her place flowers around it and then gave her some time alone.
We drove around town a little after that, and she pointed out memories from her mom and grandma. It's really taken me typing this to process it all. I didn't know how to help her and be there for her when MIL died 4 months into our marriage. This time I did, and it really felt like an amends, to all of them. I'm so thankful.
We had a nice dinner, watched a movie, then made some good headway on the taxes. That night she had tough night, with some nightmares. At one point she woke up crying and said "they're gone now, in the grave". It was so sad. I can't help her work through this, but I can be there for her.
I made a call to my Grandpa last week. He told me how proud of me he is for sticking this out, that it seems obvious that Someone has it all under control. My dad told me the same thing. I stayed several days after the 4th and he helped me fix one more thing on my truck, but I'm getting much better at that now.
I also really love having a roommate. It's hard to describe what it's like to have someone at home when I get there, after all these years. This was a good move, for me, whatever W decides.
It's been uncomfortable and tough to sort through so much stuff and clean the place for him. I had really let the stuff pile up, boxes of papers, etc. Spent lots of time on that this weekend. I have work to do, and even writing all this has been very emotional, but I will keep on.
I've been thinking and processing the last few days. I've been letting W make all contact with me, and she's been texting to check on things like reminding me that Monday was red head appreciation day at Marble Slab. Free red velvet ice cream! It was so fun.
I've been working hard on getting my place organized, and the taxes, and giving her space. Now I want to try making more contact and seeing what happens.
Just after I decided that, text from W today: "ugh, just got stranded. AAA saved me. Getting car worked on now. Ugh."
I called her right away, and she made a point of thanking me for renewing the AAA membership. Her battery had died, and I told her I hoped the warranty would cover it but to text me if she needed anything.
She texted later "Service guy just told me I have to get a new battery. I'm totally strapped for cash right now. Could I please borrow some money until the end of the month?"
Then:
"Battery is $117, and I have to replace two bulbs. So rounding up to $150. Could you please help me?"
I was thinking how to respond, probably a conversation that yes I would help her out, but I don't want to hear about the D for a while. I'm working on taxes, etc. I didn't want to make it conditional, or make her feel trapped. While thinking that over, she texted back:
"Nevermind, Aunt is going to cover me."
I called her real quick and explained that texts are delayed in the basement where I work. She told me what was up, and I made sure she was OK.
Really, I'm deciding to not act in fear. She will do what she will do. It seems ridiculous for her to try and focus on the D with everything else going on, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to call more, and try and visit soon.
Really, I'm deciding to not act in fear. She will do what she will do.
Perfect!
Nice talk with W tonight. She asked about work, my new roommate, etc. She sounded a little annoyed and said "you sound like a match made in heaven".
Later she told me she was in a cruddy mood and needed to go. She had a good weekend at the Ranch with her family, and was beat after that, so she said she wanted to call because we've been missing each others calls.
It struck me today that it's now been four months since she filed the D. I know from experience they'll throw it out at six, unless that was a Dallas County thing. I also double-checked that she can't go ahead with anything without serving me. Struggled a bit with wondering what she was up to this week, but did a good job of GAL, hanging with my new roommate and playing a lot of disc golf. No matter what WAW does, life is good.
Of course she's annoyed. You are no longer holding that space for her. She feels the loss of that safety net, whether she consciously knows it or not.
She also comes off as jealous of the time you are spending bonding with your new roommate.
Again, her loss.
She could be living there. She could be with you.
She chooses not to be. So her loss.
Most places have some time-frame within which a case has to move or it is dismissed for inaction. Not sure what that would be there, but time is always on your side.
Keep enjoying life! You are doing well in both life and DBing!
Thanks for the insight Michelle. I need that encouragement.
Working on the taxes this weekend, it's been tough on me and brings back a lot of memories. Fighting through it.
Well, W called me last week and wanted to update me that her grandparent's house sold. It wasn't even on the market yet but someone came and made a good offer. This came as quite a surprise to W and everyone. Her current plan is to live with Aunt for a few weeks, then try upstate New York for the winter to see if she can handle it. If she can, she'll buy a little house there.
I listened and validated, appreciated that she wanted to tell me this. I know she'll get a lot of flack from FIL over it.
Friday August 19th is our 6th anniversary. We've somehow made it work to see each other the last few years. I might mention it to her and see what happens. One day at a time.
It's always nice to have someone to talk to who you know will want you to pursue your goals and dreams, not give you a guilt-trip about it. Good job!!
My roommate called tonight and said a guy with a badge was waiting at the house looking for me, with papers. I didn't get home until 10:00 so he gave up. Here we go. This has been inevitable I guess, but I'm still a bit stunned. Going to bed now, running early in the morning with my roommate.
*deep breath*
At least you had the night to prepare.
You'll be fine regardless.
We always suspected deep down she wasn't going to be okay until she'd done it, she had to do it to feel like she's really independent.
Hope you had a good run.
Hang in there.
Been running with my new roommate every morning at White Rock Lake, right near my house. There's a marathon there in December I'm shooting for. Also buying a mountain bike for this weekend. It's different getting outside than the gym, and I'm enjoying it.
I got the papers, and survived. It's hard reading back how even a year ago things seemed so good. Definitely in the romance stage. I'm confused, but nothing I can do now. No contact from W since telling me she was moving.
Deep breath Jon.
Keep running.
Keep moving forward.
Go dark. Take time to process and think without dwelling yourself into a depression.
You both have been struggling uphill against her health problems, family pressure, family drama, family deaths, distance, job changes, etc.
It has not been an easy path for either of you. You have remained committed and hopeful but now it's time to pull back and put more energy into yourself.
She filed. It looks like she is going through with it this time. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
Hey, Jon. Thanks for your welcome to this forum on my thread. You live just west of me a bit (I'm a fellow Texan). I have several friends who run White Rock each year. It's a great course.
I'm sorry to hear you were served, but glad you survived. One day at a time, one moment at a time. As Michelle suggested....deep breath. I know firsthand how even breathing can sometimes physically hurt, but you will get through it.
I've been reading a book called "Journey from Abandonment to Healing." It's been helpful to me as I'm trying to begin recovery from this nightmare and get my feet back on solid ground. The exercise you are doing is so very good for mind and body. Keep taking care of yourself.
Thanks Michelle and lc4. Still running every morning, and bought a new mountain bike and hit the trails on Saturday. Exciting stuff. It was really hard getting up early last week, but I'm getting used to it now and it's really helping my PMA.
After a couple weeks of dark, W texted Friday night that one of my favorite burger places on TV. I ignored it until Saturday night, then responded. She texted a couple times Sunday, then called at 10:45 PM, after I had gone to bed. We caught up for a few minutes, and she told me her head has been really hurting for several days. She still plans to move to New York, but said that kind of weakly. After 20 minutes she said "just wanted to say hi".
Going dark again now.
lc4, checking out "The Journey from Abandonment to Hope". Looks great.
So...explain to me why you answered the phone if you were already in bed????
LOL
Michelle,
Yes, true. Talked with some good friends last night, and they helped me understand why that text affected me so much. It showed W was thinking about me, that she still cares about me. She's stringing me along, and this doesn't feel like D.
Talked with W about it, how a text like that sends mixed messages when she's still pursuing D. She said she knew I had been served, didn't know if I was curled up in a ball somewhere. That of course she thought of me when seeing Dallas on TV, that we're still good friends, but she's down there, I'm up here, and she's not moving back. I told her I'm sorry she feels that way, but it's time to cut it to business-only talk until the D is final. I also told her I'm planning to get a lawyer and contest.
So, here we go. Planning to keep posting.
Michelle,
Yes, true. Talked with some good friends last night, and they helped me understand why that text affected me so much. It showed W was thinking about me, that she still cares about me. She's stringing me along, and this doesn't feel like D.
Talked with W about it, how a text like that sends mixed messages when she's still pursuing D. She said she knew I had been served, didn't know if I was curled up in a ball somewhere. That of course she thought of me when seeing Dallas on TV, that we're still good friends, but she's down there, I'm up here, and she's not moving back. I told her I'm sorry she feels that way, but it's time to cut it to business-only talk until the D is final. I also told her I'm planning to get a lawyer and contest.
So, here we go. Planning to keep posting.
Good way to set some boundaries and protect your feelings. Make her miss you.
Good way to set some boundaries and protect your feelings. Make her miss you.
Thanks lc4. I'm feeling it today, but had a good meeting with my C. He had never told me this in 3 years of meeting, but he was divorced while in seminary, and at my school nonetheless. His W left him for another woman. He told me more of his story today than I've ever heard. It did give me some hope, that I'll be OK regardless. My C gave me a couple good Lawyer phone numbers, so I'll get on that tomorrow.
I responded to a Craigslist Harley ad, going to look at it tomorrow. It's just about perfect for what I want, and only $3500.
Got a last minute gig leading worship at a camp with some friends tonight. So much fun. I really feel numb and depressed, having to force myself to do these GAL things. I'm frustrated to go through this again, just like 4 years ago, 2 years ago. My C helped me see that I wasn't crazy to keep trying all this time, that I wanted to be faithful as long as there was any hope. He said God will honor that. It's so hard to let go now.
Good way to set some boundaries and protect your feelings. Make her miss you.
Thanks lc4. I'm feeling it today, but had a good meeting with my C. He had never told me this in 3 years of meeting, but he was divorced while in seminary, and at my school nonetheless. His W left him for another woman. He told me more of his story today than I've ever heard. It did give me some hope, that I'll be OK regardless. My C gave me a couple good Lawyer phone numbers, so I'll get on that tomorrow.
I responded to a Craigslist Harley ad, going to look at it tomorrow. It's just about perfect for what I want, and only $3500.
Got a last minute gig leading worship at a camp with some friends tonight. So much fun. I really feel numb and depressed, having to force myself to do these GAL things. I'm frustrated to go through this again, just like 4 years ago, 2 years ago. My C helped me see that I wasn't crazy to keep trying all this time, that I wanted to be faithful as long as there was any hope. He said God will honor that. It's so hard to let go now.
This is all great stuff, Jon! I'm glad you got out there tonight and had some fun. It sounds like you have an awesome counselor. The book I recommended, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is written by a therapist who was also abandoned in her marriage. The book offers some exercises to help you process your pain and start healing. I think it would be a good read for you. And I think that is great your therapist shared some references with you for attorneys. Your counselor knows better than anyone the type of person who will be a good match for you!
Dang....a Harley??? Now that's some super GAL'ing going on there!
The mom in me says please, BE CAREFUL and WEAR YOUR HELMENT!, but the DB'er in me says, HAVE FUN!!!!
And I agree with your counselor 100%. Of course you weren't crazy to stick with working on the relationship. You are committed to your wife and your marriage and have done/are doing everything you can to save it. That makes you a good guy. And you aren't just going to be OK, you are going to be better because of the things you are doing to make yourself better...for YOU!
Remember too...it ain't over 'til it's over.
Hang in there...lc4
Dang....a Harley??? Now that's some super GAL'ing going on there!
The mom in me says please, BE CAREFUL and WEAR YOUR HELMENT!, but the DB'er in me says, HAVE FUN!!!!
Definitely. I bought the bike on the spot and took it home in my truck. So excited! I could flip it right now and make money if I wanted to. Buying and selling vehicles has always really scared me, so this is a great step.
Nothing from W since Monday, no business stuff or anything. Which is a really nice break. Planning to make those lawyer calls today.
Good job on setting some boundaries.
I am sure you are struggling a bit, but that's just normal. D is a whole other rollercoaster. Keep up the GAL
Yeah, struggling. Read through some of my threads here today, it's been a ride. Still nothing from W. Trying to be excited about the long weekend with family, but that has issues as well. Making the best of it!
Just checking in...how's your weekend been?
Weekend was good. Ran 10 miles on Saturday, still on track with marathon training. It's going to be hard from here on out, but feeling like I can do it.
Good talk with a L today, meeting with him tomorrow. One day at a time.
Hope you had a good weekend. Sounds like you had a good run at least.
One day at a time is good.
Stay dark. Stay focused.
Thanks Michelle. Still dark. Almost 2 weeks now.
I had a great L meeting Wednesday, he gave me a great deal on writing a response to W, and doesn't think I'll need to pay anything more. Just have her lawyer draw it up and I'll sign. He says her L would be foolish to fight this because W has money now.
Big relief there. Nothing from W, not even business stuff. I must admit, this is very hard. I'm having a hard time detaching, and wondering if NC is the right choice, or how long to continue it. Any advice is appreciated.
I read 25 MLC on another thread, saying to envision my life 3 years from now, without W. Envision myself happy, and what would that look like, and make it happen. Good stuff. Going to do that and write about it here.
NC is the only choice you have at the moment. Because the way I see it, it's the only chance you have.
She calls you when she's hurting, when she's down. You still have a lot of emotional connection. She's having just as much trouble detaching, and I'm sure is missing the texts and talks. You were always the one who understood how debilitating her migraines were, who was sympathetic and helpful. How many times did she say that no one else really understood?
But she filed for D. You can't pursue her right now, that'll just push her away, make the D more certain.
Her own mind will create the doubts for you.
Michelle,
Thanks for that, needed the reminder. Hopefully that means something now, but even if not I know I'm a better person for taking care of her like that.
Jon
You are.
It's hard to do things when you don't feel appreciated for them. But that doesn't mean they aren't the right thing to do. Just means you have to appreciate yourself for them instead of relying on validation from the other person.
Or come here and have us validate you.
Got the response sent off. That was tough but not too bad. My L put in a "Special Denial" statement that I don't agree with the D and think marriage could be saved by professional counseling. He had asked briefly if I wanted something saying
I found the lawyer-speak funny, especially the "prayers" at the end. W's lawyer "prayed" that the court would give her relief, my lawyer "prayed" that upon final hearing hereof, Petitioner take nothing and Respondent be granted all relief requested.
Staying dark. Working on myself. I feel relaxed today for the first time in a while.
Several fun things planned for the weekend, reading threads here helps as well. TGIF everyone!
Interesting text from W last night.
"Sorry I haven't e-mailed, been feeling sickly".
Haven't responded yet. She was supposed to e-mail me some business stuff. My heart goes out to her, and I sad she's feeling bad, but I can't help her now.
Need to respond today, any advice?
I'm thinking "let me know when you want to talk about details".
Why do you need to respond today?
Drew,
Thanks for responding. Maybe I don't, open to suggestions.
My L said it's better if we're still talking, because I need to tell her what I'll agree to, get her L to draw it up, and I'll sign.
Do you want to be divorced?
No, I don't. I responded to the D filing only because I had to.
Man, this staying dark is hard. I don't want to be passive aggressive and not take care of this, but her text wasn't really business-related or a request for anything.
Exactly. So don't feel like you have to respond right away, if at all.
Being able to tell her what you will agree to is one thing.
Helping her drive the D-train is another.
Jon, you live in Texas, right? You do have to answer within a certain amount of time of being served or you will be in default. That way, your wife could potentially get a divorce right away with little to no consideration given to you and your needs by the court.
Simply answering the petition does nothing to speed the divorce along. It does keep you out of hot water with the court and judge. I answered my husband's petition (and filed a counter petition), and the divorce has been gathering cobwebs since that time. We worked out kids/finances on our own outside of court and have been working toward possibly reconciling since that time.
Time is still on your side. Keep GAL, working toward your personal goals and detaching.
Take care, lc4
I thought I read that Jon already responded to the initial petition.
Thanks lc4,
I did file the answer, and verified today that it was received. Thanks for sharing that part of your sitch as well. I can only hope for the same.
The answer I was wondering about here was whether to respond to W's text from Friday night "Sorry I haven't e-mailed, been feeling sickly". W's migraines have been such a big part of our sitch, and have put her on disability now. It's tempting to think of her lack of action as second thoughts, or the text as reaching out. The "e-mail she's referring to though is financial homework from her L. Seems best to leave her alone a little longer.
As of tonight it's 3 weeks completely dark. I guess I haven't had to do the LRT yet in 4 years of separation, this feels so different. Staying dark to see what happens.
Appreciate you stopping by Drew, I value your advice.
Jon Webster
Hey Jon, sorry I haven't been online much. My personal laptop got stolen on Saturday, so it's made my internet connection a bit hit and miss.
Yes, you have to respond to the petition. Yes, it's good that you stated your position about the D.
No, you don't have to respond to her text. It's not really business related, and while you feel sympathy, by not responding you are changing the dynamics. Through all this time of S, you have not really done the LRT. Every time she has reached out you have been there. For a while, that seemed to be working. But then she refiled for D, so time to LRT in my opinion. Don't let her draw you in, don't let her know that you're still on the hook.
Now, when she sends you something like, e-mailed you the stuff, you can then respond with a thanks, sorry you haven't been feeling well. Or a thanks I'll look at that as soon as I get a chance. Or something else polite.
Thanks Michelle! Sorry to hear about your laptop, that stinks.
Finally, after another week of silence, she e-mailed me some homework from her L yesterday. I responded that I would work on it.
This dynamic change is hard, but we'll see where it goes.
Jon Webster
Revostock
Nothing from W, no texts or e-mails. I guess she's going dark on me LOL. We do need to take care of business stuff at some point though.
Instead of tax papers she sent a whole box of my piano music, must have been at her grandparents ranch. Very mixed emotions getting those. One day at a time.
Did a 10-mile weekend run, great time playing at church all day yesterday and a lunch with the worship team.
4 miles this morning with my roommate and got right to work after. I have an office at the seminary I can use, and he works here too. I've been lax with my schedule because my job is mobile. That can be a real benefit if I don't take advantage of it, but I need to give myself more structure for now. Going to do that this week and post how it goes.
Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep moving. The "Jesus Calling" devotional I read every morning said "When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. When your life feels increasingly out of control, thank Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances."
So I thanked Him for W's headaches, all the trouble we've gone through, and even the D. That was hard to do, but helpful.
Did a 10-mile weekend run, great time playing at church all day yesterday and a lunch with the worship team.
4 miles this morning with my roommate and got right to work after. I have an office at the seminary I can use, and he works here too. I've been lax with my schedule because my job is mobile. That can be a real benefit if I don't take advantage of it, but I need to give myself more structure for now. Going to do that this week and post how it goes.
Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep moving. The "Jesus Calling" devotional I read every morning said "When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. When your life feels increasingly out of control, thank Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances."
So I thanked Him for W's headaches, all the trouble we've gone through, and even the D. That was hard to do, but helpful.
I like this update, Jon. You are in a good place! You are training for White Rock, right? Are you planning on running the 1/2 or full? I have several friends who run it each year, and I was training for it last year, but then had a severe back injury that ended my running career. Now I just stick to Pilates for the most part as well as a little biking and walking. Know that I'll be cheering you on in spirit at race time!
No doubt that your faith plays a big part in how well you are doing. I know praising Jesus in the storms of life isn't always easy, but you are on the right track. He is leading you to a better station in life, with or without your wife.
I pray things continue to look up for you.
peace, lc4
Thanks lc4. I actually live down the street from White Rock, finally taking advantage of it for running, biking and canoeing. And yes, the marathon there as well. I'm planning to run the full, crazy as that sounds. Never thought I could do that, on track with the halhigdon.com training program so far.
It's strange, starting this training I knew that by the time of the marathon, I'd either be D'd or have positive changes with my W. I'm becoming cool with either.
Still nothing except the box of piano music. Nothing from her lawyer, nothing moving this forward, no tax papers. Very interesting. Yesterday a text asking for AT&T's customer service number. I responded later in the day, asked if she got an iPhone. She said no. So, the complete dark has been broken, we'll see from here.
I read back through my first 3 threads today. So many ups and downs. So many positives at times, but she never quite wanted to get help and try and reconcile. And I had a lot that I never worked on either. So sad.
Here they are in all their glory:
[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1333871] Better late than never? 11/26/07 [/url]
[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1463293] Status Unknown 5/30/08 [/url]
[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1501867] The Road Goes Ever On 6/30/08 [/url]
Positive Developments? 8/07/08 [url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1955194] Positive Developments? #2 10/29/08 [/url]
[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2142916] How much longer in separated? 3/10/10 [/url]
[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1463293] Status Unknown 5/30/08 [/url]
These lyrics are hitting me today, new record by the David Crowder Band, love the Abraham and Isaac reference:
"I lift a knife to the thing I love most
Praying you come so I can have both
What I need is You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need"
Nothing from W. Just enjoying life and living one day at a time. I might be buying a Jetta also, my friend has a great deal on one. Feels good.
All I can hope is that going dark will work. It's still hard for me at times. I need to set some goals and start taking care of things around the house better. Enjoying just being a bachelor
with my roommate right now though.
Camping with some guys this weekend, looking forward to it! Have a great weekend everyone!
Camping was a great time. Still nothing from W. Staying dark and focused.
So here's an update, and call for advice:
Nothing from W for a while. I've been sending her financial numbers her L asked for.
Last week I received a notice from her L that the "final hearing" is scheduled for December 15th. First thing I've received from her L.
I called W and the notice was news to her, she hadn't received it yet. I asked if she's sent anything else for me, she said no. She's still working on getting tax paperwork together. I told her I'm still working on my end.
She sounded soft, no edge to her voice at all. I pressed her a little bit, asking if her L needs anything more from me to settle.
She said "my L's been difficult to deal with". She also hadn't really looked at the financial numbers I've sent.
I told her I'd check with mine to see what this means.
She then said "so...", and I could tell she wanted to say more, but then cut herself off and said "just check with yours and let me know".
My guess is that she's been feeling terrible with her migraines, and that doesn't necessarily mean second thoughts, but she's definitely not pushing this through. Maybe the going dark is working? What should my strategy be from here?
I caught up with my L today, and he said it sounds like December 15th she'll need to appear before the judge, and I can with a L or not. I'd need to get a L in her county though. I need to ask W what she wants from the D, and if her L will draw it up. I'm supposed to let him know what she says.
Played phone tag with W over the weekend, got an e-mail at 2:45 AM thanking me for working on the "homework" and asking "what time may I call you today"?
Time to find out what she really wants.
Talked to W after the last post, asked her "is this what you really want?" She said "yes", softly, and "I'll let you know if that changes".
I e-mailed her what I would agree to in the settlement, and that if her lawyer will draw it up I'll sign. She sounded confused and asked "wouldn't that mean changing your original answer?"
What? I've told her this a few times. Explained that I had to answer so she wouldn't get a default judgement, but that I'm OK with signing something reasonable.
I called her a week later, before Thanksgiving, and told her I'd be not far from her as usual. Asked if she needed me to print and bring anything signed to speed things up. She said no, and said she would e-mail me if she needed anything. I asked where she was going for thanksgiving, and she said the Ranch.
Honestly, that took the pressure off over Thanksgiving, and I was able to have a great time at the beach in Galveston. Lots of W memories there, but made it through. Now it's been a week again, and nothing from W.
The final hearing is the 15th. Looks like I'll have to go. Shared with the guys at recovery group tonight, and they think it's so strange. I haven't seen any settlement offer? How can they even schedule a final hearing without that?
It doesn't necessarily mean she's having second thoughts. However, I'm feeling good either way. This has been a long road. We ran a Black Friday-Cyber Monday sale at work that was a massive success.
So, any advice from my fellow DBers? My stance has been to not stand in the way, but not help the process along either. FaithfulH had success with that. What does love look like at this point? Drive her to the courthouse if she needs it, and this is what she really wants? Crazy I know, just wondering.
Still nothing from W. 2 weeks until the hearing.
Got the divorce agreement from W Friday night. Looks good. We'll discuss a couple things and then I'll sign and not need to go to court.
And today, I finished my first marathon! In 40 degrees and rain. Very interesting timing. I knew that when I signed up for it. Feeling very, very good. Something about setting a goal and accomplishing it. I forget this so easily.
Lots of emotions running the race today. Throughout the course were probably 20 major memory spots for W and I. We loved White Rock Lake. I started crying, thinking "How can I handle this? How can I live in a world where everything reminds me of her?" I really started to give those memories to God. Something I've been really resisting. I don't see how He can heal these places, and I'm still in denial that it's really over. I sent the box of her letters home with my parents. Told them to stash them in the attic somewhere, I don't want them around. I've been dreading that step also.
How can she do this when we still get a long so well every time we spend time together? Until she gets her migraines figured out and gets back on her feet she won't be anything but hyper-critical. A lesson from FaithfulH. It's her decision and I respect it, hard as it is.
W texted to check on if I was ready to sign. Told her my lawyer won't see it until tomorrow. Sent a pic from the end of the marathon, she said "good job".
Jon I think you're doing all you can. This will sound pretty lame I think... but there is that very old quote "If you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you." I've always hated that quote. Felt it was trite and shallow. And I still hate the quote
but I guess I'm coming to terms with it having some truth in it. Guess I just hate it for different reasons now
Something I've been batting around in my head the last two days... I've done some research on dating after divorce. Most sites and experts say to give yourself at least a year after the divorce before trying out any romantic relationships. And I wonder if that isn't also good advice here too.
That even if going dark and living the dark life worked wonders... that our W's came back and said that they missed us, regretted the divorce, and want to get back together... if it wouldn't behoove us to say, "let's slow this down..." We just blew everything up and frankly I'm not in a spot for a relationship right now. Not with you, not with anyone. Let's give it some time... we can go to dinner, we can catch a movie, but the love yous, and commitment... that's going to need to wait.
You put me out... but I'm not the family dog who will patiently waits by the door until you decide to let me back in.
Thanks WHG. That really is true.
After some back and forth, my L said the paperwork looks good. I'm signing and e-mailing it to W, will mail a copy tomorrow. So it's done, no need to go to court on the 15th.
I'm relieved in a way. She had so many chances to make better decisions. I'm really enjoying some new female company at church, work is going well. Came across a book today "Room for Two" by Abel Keogh, who's pregnant wife committed suicide. Sounds crazy, but I related to so much of it. Especially how much he struggled with everyone's reactions. Without my W's migraines and mental illness, this D would have been done 4 years ago. Instead, 2011 has been a really crappy year.
I hold my head high tonight, because I did absolutely everything I could.
CONGRATS ON THE MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And 2012 will be better!
(((Jon)))
What do you mean "how you signed the final decree". That you signed it without a fight?
As for the student loans, you've sent proof and told her the correct amount. If she brings it up again try and be patient. You know she's not doing it on purpose. You can't control what she does or doesn't remember. She needs to figure out how to cope with that on her own.
Checked out the links. Running in the rain is no fun. I did a 10k trail run last year where it poured the whole time. Mud puddles aren't so much fun when you are trying to run and get somewhere instead of just jumping in them LOL.
Congrats on finishing! That is quite an accomplishment, especially with the weather factor!
Nice shirts! I'm so proud of finishing. Not only was it raining, the temp started low 40's and dropped throughout the race. At mile 19, we had just finished looping the lake in the coldest wind. Some volunteers set up a fire pit, and I had no problem stopping to warm up with other runners. Such a cool moment. It wasn't a day for record times, but just to finish and say we did. Reminds me of here in DB-land.
My W was upset because I sign "Jon", my middle name, not my first name. This is how I sign everything, my license, etc. She said she was worried about things going wrong at the courthouse. And she pushed me about the student loan number "you promise?"
It's not my fault that she's having difficulty with her memory and her lawyer. Maybe her lawyer wants her to push for more? I don't know. 4 years ago we were in this exact spot, I signed and everything. She needs to go through with it if that's what she wants.
That was very cool of the volunteers!
Finishing is definitely the goal. Fast or slow, it's the same finish line.
If that's how you sign everything, it won't be a problem.
She will do whatever she does. You have no control over that. Give your problems over to someone with shoulders big enough for them.
Thanks Michelle, good advice as always. Hard as that is, it's what I need to do.
I'm re-doing the signature and correcting my student loan amounts, sending it to her today. And it will be done. Somehow I feel like I need to go down there, not sure why. Will pray about it more.
Probably because you are looking for some kind of closure. Maybe because you feel like if you did something might change?
Yeah. I'm not going, no need. The form said "respondent agreed to the terms by his signature below".
I asked her to text me when it's done, about 2 hours from now.
Actually super busy with work and church stuff today, which is nice. Very exciting stuff happening there.
I've been dreading December 15th for a long time, but today I realize it's going to be OK.
Yes it will. No matter what, you will survive and thrive. Because while you can't control everything that happens to you, you can control the impact it has on you.
Thanks Michelle. Just got the text "It's finished. Everything went fine. My lawyer will be mailing your copy of the decree."
Now to get on with my life.
(((Jon))) You got something planned for tonight as a distraction?
I'm at recovery group at church tonight. Got something fun planned the next several nights as well. I'm thankful for that.
Text from W just now:
"Jon, I wish you peace, happiness, and health"
That really ticks me off. Not going to respond.
No need to respond. Just go dark and give yourself time.
In my Saturday morning Bible study, one of the guys said "we're going to pray for your wife's healing right now, and you're going to text her that we did".
What?????? That's crazy. W doesn't need healing, and she definitely doesn't need anyone praying for her. All the problems and mistakes are mine. She's just fine. I thought about how much this text would tick her off. My friend ask me why I even cared. I just got divorced!!! Great point. I sent it. No response, and if that's the last text I ever send her I'm cool.
I feel such a freedom now. Things are moving. God is speaking to me. Some hard decisions are being made. And today I asked a girl out for the first time in 8 1/2 years. She said she was busy on the night in question, Christmas coming up and all that. It definitely wasn't a complete rejection, there's no hope "no". I feel alive again.
The very fact that it would tick her off shows just how much healing she does need IMHO.
Good for you for not being reactive. Not walking on eggshells. And sending the text with (almost) no expectations!
Had to deal with insurance crap on Thursday. Had no idea how hard it was to split a joint policy. Had to text W with some questions after a week of NC. She answered them, then asked "are you ok?" I ignored, then she asked again. I texted "no need to ask that".
She responded "because I do care"
"I have moved to NY, take care"
No response needed.
How are you doing Jon? Hope you are making your new year the best.
The year is going well. I have a new job at a church playing for Dan Dean, of the old-school Christian band Phillips, Craig and Dean. Those guys are still going strong after 18 years. It's been a blast.
No contact with W at all, texted her about some IRS stuff, no answer. I snooped on her FB and as of this month it said "in a relationship" with a retired Army guy who graduated high school in '74. W was born in '83. Do the math. No idea what's up, besides I guess she needed a sugar daddy to pay for medical bills. Sheesh. Hopefully she'll keep up her end of the tax bill as the judge decreed as well.
Glad you are doing well!
Age is just a number, who knows what anyone sees in another person. Her life, her decision, her consequences lol.
As long as the judge decreed half was hers, it's not your problem, but I'm sure it'll be a relief when it's over. Hang in there!