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Wandering Poster 49 - No Gold Here Finishing off the last thread...
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I don't know that we will have the definitive answer on W's health issue, but I think we will have a good idea. It's not perfect, but unless we have a reason not to, it's still the best opportunity we will have for a good while.
As far as her doubts, I think they are more fear based than anything else. That's my feeling, anyway.
yeeeeeeeeeeeee haw i am first!!! hey friend how are you!!
i THINK i am too, not sure but maybe
sheesh that is gonna take a longggggggggggggg time lol
Here is a coffee Jeff, and a kiss :MATS!!! (sound of a greek kiss)
K
morning jeff, man its cold here this morning, wish i could fly out there lol!
hope you have a great day!
((((((Kalni)))))
Thanks! For both!
((((((BG))))))
I don't think it is supposed to get to 70 today..... only 67ish...
oh wow, i am so jealous!!
Upper 70's and into the 80's for the next week.....
ok now you are being mean lol! what a tease you are.
Sorry.....
I was wrong..... it did get to at least 70 today.....
It's 5 celcious here today. Perfect weather for cuddling...
xxxx
K
no socks required
Greeting from the land of 20F today...but at least we will get up to 37!
How is your wife doing? I am sure you haven't heard back from the docs yet but I hope she is okay...
(((((Kalni)))))
That sounds like a good plan!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think she is doing ok. Not that she would tell me. The opinion without the tests was pretty positive, which helped. So now it is just time. It might have been 37 overnight....
(((Jeff)))
Fingers crosses that your W is okay. Sucks to have medical issues pop up when things are already stressful.
(((((Michelle)))))
Thanks! I think she is ok. But it will be very nice to have the final answer!
Heinous! Sexy socks always required, even if it's just for sauce!
Jeff, Handsome. Thanks for your e-mail and post on my thread. I hope your W is OK and that you are sleeping peacefully as I type.
L. xx
((((((Lisa))))))
It looks like we will be telling the kids Wednesday night, all at once. W has her medical test Wednesday, so she changed her work schedule around, and now does not work then or Thursday.
Still not looking forward to that....
I am sorry Jeff. It will be tough but you will all do OK in the end. Go to bed, get some rest,
xxx
K
Hi Jeff, it will be hard for you that's true, but your kids reactions may suprise you.
After all 2 are adults and the younger two adolescents, well almost. I think they probably know alot more than you think.
Honesty is the way to go and love lots of it.
They will worry about what is going to happen to their lives so lots of reassurance's.
Take care.
Hey Jeff, I bet you arent, we are all thinking of you... its a tough thing to have to do as a Dad. So, did you get some advice how to handle it in the end (from your C, and wasnt someone here reccomending some books?).. yes its the younger ones that will be more affected hey.
Sending you a hug. You have come so far,
Al xxx
(((((Kalni)))))(((((naej)))))(((((Ali)))))
I really do think the kids will be ok, and probably not even that surprised. I am sure the youngest isn't going to like it, though. And that makes me sad.
I've gotten some advice on how to handle it. I have a feeling all of that is going to go out the window when the time comes... well, not out the window, but it will become a lot more like guidlines than anything. And I think that is really how it should be. I think how things go should depend on how the kids react, not on how we think they should.
((((((((((Jeff))))))))))
I know this will be really hard for you Jeff, but honesty and openness is the way to go. Your kids are old enough for the truth. At least there is no OP involved that would hurt the kids more because a new person would inevitably be thrown into their lives right at the same moment that the rest of their lives are in upheaval. Something to be thankful for.
I was just thinking that all of you from cooler climes might be interested in knowing that it might get to 90 today. That's 32C for you "C" people. And, yes, that is unseasonably warm, even for here. It will be a record for the day, and the second earliest it has ever gotten to 90, if it does.
Hi Jeff
I'm just having a Bailey's mint on the rocks... would you like one?
((((Jeff))))
It is unseasonably warm here too... not that warm though obviously!
(((((Julia)))))
That sounds great, I think I'll have one!
I guess your snow is long gone!
Virtual one sent!!
Yep, and the evenings are getting lighter which is good. It's light when I leave work... it's like coming out of hibernation
I'm sure you remember!
Thanks!
Yes, I remember that! The sun inching above the horizon in time for lunch, if you ate quickly! And then disappearing again. And 25 foot long shadows at noon.
But the summer nights.......
(((Jeff)))
Sounds like you have a good handle on things.
Hang in there.
Sounds like you have a good handle on things.
I wish!
((((((Michelle))))))
Why do you feel you don't have a good handle on things Jeff?
You sound like you are doing amazingly well to me. What's up?
hey friend, sure have missed you!! wish i was up there with you instead of down here in out of the hospital.
Why do you feel you don't have a good handle on things Jeff?
You sound like you are doing amazingly well to me. What's up?
Well, Jeff, what's up??
How are you really doing?
(((((Jeff)))))
((((((((BG))))))))
Let the docs do their work..... we need you to get better!
((((((Mishka))))))((((((GF))))))
I really am doing ok.... I just need a fast-forward button.
I think I have as good a handle on things as I can have... but I still am concerned about a lot of things.... especially the kids. I've got that nagging feeling that I'm letting them down, even though I really don't believe that. I think it is all normal, and not bad. But it is stressful, and not pleasant!
By Thursday morning, I should be a lot better!
Give yourself and the kids the time you all need to sort this out. You'll do well, I have no doubt about it. You have weathered this mess quite honorably IMO and will continue to do so.
Jeff,
I think most of us can relate to what you are going through. Your kids are old enough to talk to them. Really talk to them. Both of you together. I believe things will be ok in the end. How you handle things from now on will really be important to your kids. You are setting "patterns" and role models now even more than ever maybe. Stay strong and focused. And try to be honest as much as you can. Kids can read between the lines.
xxx
K
(((((Mishka)))))(((((Kalni)))))
Well, in a quick change of plans the older two have been told. We found out that S20 was leaving to go up to see his brother tomorrow afternoon, so the window of opportunity to tell in person shrank by 24 hours. So we told him, and then called S19 and told him. I think you could say that they were not surprised. Even a little. I'm sure it will bother them more than it does now, but they had been predicting it. So, that's done.
We still plan to tell the younger two tomorrow evening. Then, I'll be taking them up to visit their older brother(s), and go skiing Friday. W doesn't work Saturday, if I am remembering right, and will spend that day with them. The plan is that they will be with at least one parent all weekend, and not left alone at all.
HUGS! And THANKS!
Hey Jef... wow... well done. Gosh, so that makes it more concrete. How are you feeling? You sound quite relieved, reading between the lines.... What did your two sons say, where they concerned about you? Just not shocked I guess.
Good luck later and its great you are taking all your sons skiing, the fact you will be out and about having a normal day might make it easier on them as you arent in a mess.. but it occurred to me that it mught be healthy for them and their own future R's if you did show a little emotion, sadness, tears, at the end of your M??? I dont know, but showing no emotion might make them think they cant either... (you may have shown them some sadness, I dont know).
I say all this, cos when I was 8, my Uncle left my 8 months pregnannt auntie for an OW... and the adults all put on a mask to me and my sister when they told us and acted like it was fine and I remembered thinking, but thats not fine, thats sad and upsetting and I dont feel happy about it.. but I flet like I couldnt show any emotion over it as noone else was!
So, just a thought.. might not be relevant, but good luck with the little ones...
xxx
(((Jeff)))
You handled it really well. I'm thinking of you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be.
((((((Ali))))))
I'm doing ok. You read between the lines quite well, I am relieved. (Well done on that, I read it again, and didn't even see it!) Not looking forward to tonight even a little though!
The older two didn't say a lot. They wanted to know a bit about practical stuff, like who is living where. I could almost hear them saying "What took so long?" I think they might be relieved too, in a way. I'm sure we will talk more, over time.
I understand what you are saying about the emotion. I expect that there will be more with the little(er) guys. It's a tricky one. I have to think about that some more.
hey my friend, been thinking about you. enjoy the time with your sons skiing, and I will be praying for you today.
hugs
No doubt today may be the hardest in your life.
I was 12 when my mom told me that my dad moved out. It's such a difficult age anyways, and the news was really hard on me and my 14yr old sister. Your older kids may not have been surprised, but don't count on that with the younger ones. My then-24yr old brother wasn't surprised about my parents, but my sister and I were. I don't think younger kids really notice those things. They don't sense tension the way others do and they don't analyze things either.
I know it sounds silly, but make sure they know it's not their fault. I don't know if you're a family that openly says "I love you" to your kids. If not, do it now. Tell them you love them. Then, say it again.
I'll be praying for you.
I,m glad it went ok with the older ones, yes I would think they did think "what took you so long". It is initially the practicalities that concern them and your right more will come in dribs and drabs.
I guess they just want both of you to be happy and can see that is not happening whils you are together.
I think the little ones could suprise you too with a philosophical outlook and also be more concerned with practicalities.
Wishing you well. I know you will handle it with love and honesty.
((((((BG))))))
We are all praying for you. Take care of yourself, and get well!
(((((bug)))))
Telling the kids (especially the younger two) that I love them is a very regular occurance. They know that. Tonight still scares me!
(((((naej)))))
Well, the good news is that even without waiting for results, it appears that W's testing gave good news. The down side is that the pain she has may be something she needs to figure out how to manage, the upside is it sounds like it is not anything more serious.
The appraiser came to the house today, one more step on the road out of the way.
(((Jeff))))
Squaring the circle and visiting your thread. I'm glad W's news was good. At least that's one less thing to worry about.
Good luck for later. I'll be dreaming/thinking of you and hoping it goes as well as it can.
L. xx
Good Luck later...
I am glad things went well with the older boys...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
K
(((Jeff)))
I am glad they didn't take it too hard.
I am sure they were more prepared than the little ones will be.
I think the younger ones haven't figured out that keeping the family together is actually an option rather than a certainty. Will be more emotional.
Hang in there.
(((((Lisa)))))(((((Kalni)))))(((((Michelle)))))
Well.....
I left work about 6, called W as I was walking to the car. I asked if they had dinner plans. She said dinner was at her parent's house (they were already there, eating, since I have often been late at work). She also said that the plan was to watch a movie afterwards, and then that her dad had some work for me to do on his computer. And that she would take the kids home after the movie, and tell them. So, she did.
I got home after they were asleep, so I only know what she told me. She said that she told them that she had something to tell them that might upset them, or make them sad. She told them, and then described the planned living arrangements. (And that her house would be getting a new TV.) And that the dog would live there, and the cat here. She said they were looking forward to house hunting. S11 is not sure he wants to go to a different middle school from most of his friends, S14 seems to think it is a good idea. (He knows about both of them, one of his friends goes the "new" one.)
I wish she hadn't done this, it hit me out of the blue, and I didn't really have a chance to think about it. I should have been there. Maybe it was one last taste of control freakness. I don't think she told them anything inappropriate, I think she knows they would see through it. I am very much looking forward to talking to them tomorrow.
Jeff (((()))) I am sorry you didn,t get to tell the children together. That really was most underhand of your wife.
Did she not give you any warning she intended this to give you a chance to leave work early?
still it is done now and tomorrow or is that today,you can shower them with love and answer any questions.
Take care.
Mornin Jeff,
she did cross a line there but I am glad you are taking it well. And it seems that the first response from your kids wasnt that bad. I hope things continue to be calm and managable...
Stay strong
xxxx
M
((Jeff)) well after all this time you & I are at the exact same spot. I just told our kids the other day. I had intended for H & I to tell them together, then he suggested we tell D14 at 10 pm at night when she'd been out all evening babysitting, still had homework to finish, needed a shower, & gets up at 5 am. I suggested that wasn't the best time.
I ended up telling the kids one at a time the next day. FYI I wasn't trying to be underhanded at all. I thought their reactions would be more open & real if they didn't have to worry about what both Mom & Dad, & siblings are thinking at the same time. Also, my boys don't cry in front of H or each other, & I wanted them to be able to do that if they felt it.
I told them what my Doc & I had discussed. Later that same night, H talked to them individually as well.
At times, they express a lot of tears & hurt, & other times, they seem to be coping really well.
I did tell them that the reason I'm not crying much is because I cried all my tears out months ago. They are seeing me at moments, happier than I've been in a long time, & I'm sure that's very confusing to them too.
hugs
oh jeff i am so sorry!! i dont agree with how she handled it at all. think you should have been included.
let us know how it goes when you talk to them
hugs
(((((naej)))))(((((Kalni)))))(((((cookie)))))(((((BG)))))
Well, the kids really seem to be ok. I think that they really get that they will still have both of us, and that we both love them. I'm sure there will be some bumps in the road for them, but they almosted acted like "of course we're ok, Dad, what's your problem?" S11 said that he was a little upset last night, but that he is fine. I still need to talk to them without W around, I'll get plenty of chance to do that tomorrow driving them to Flagstaff.
As far as last night goes, I really don't think W intended anything underhanded. I think that she wanted to make sure that she told the kids before she told her parents, and when her Dad asked her if she thought I could help out with the computer she didn't want to say, "I don't think so, we need to go home and tell the kids we are divorcing." I don't really know, since I wasn't there. I know she was worried about telling them, I expect she made the best decision she could at the time. I do think she could have, or should have done differently, we should have told them together. But, it seems to have worked out ok.
She did say this morning that she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder if the kids have enough friends with divorced parents that make it work that they are at least a little comfortable with it? I expect it probably helps that Mom didn't just pack up and leave one day, too. This is going to be a gradual process.
The bad news is that I think she wants the fridge.....
HUGS!
i have an extra fridge if you bring me cheesecakke.....
(((Jeff)))
I was just struck by your post... you are so supportive and loyal. Such great qualities and just what the kids need, consistancy, unity and strength. You're such a great Dad!
I love American fridges, they're so big and exciting. Not like the boring small ones we have here
((((((BG))))))
You are officially on the list for cheesecake delivery!
(((((Julia)))))
Thank you! The fridges over there are a little small. Pretty high-techy, though! Kinda like your washing machines.
(((Jeff)))) Sorry W told them without you, but I'm glad they seem to have taken the news well. Did you tell W you were unhappy about her telling the kids by herself? Just wondering (no response necessary).
I hope the drive to Flagstaff goes well. I went to Flagstaff once- seem to remember it was very hot!
L. xx
I *so* love top-loading washing machines though, no awkward bending over
the grass is always greener eh! lol!
(((((Lisa)))))
No, I didn't tell her that I thought we should have told them together. I thought about it, but didn't see how that was going to help things right now. If things like that get to be a pattern, then I will have to. But, I think in this case, the stress and anxiety of the whole situation probably clouded her thinking, I don't think I need to pile on!
Flagstaff could be warm in the summer, but not usually like it is down here. And in the winter it is a lot colder. They actually HAVE winter!
(((((Julia)))))
Of course now front loading washers are all the rage here, as they use less water. A lot of them are built on pedestals, so that there isn't a lot of bending. And they are a lot larger than the one we had over there! With our boys we were running it constantly!
The problem with the top loading washers is if you have a deep drum (like I do) you end up with your head halfway in the washer holding onto the side trying to get the sock that is stuck to the side like it's cemented due to the force of the spin cycle!!
Jeff, you continue to amaze me with your calm demeanor and logical process in all of this. Good on you buddy!
Jeff- I'm sorry you didn't get to tell them together, but it sounds like you handled things very well. Are you selling your house or staying?
(((((n_a)))))
I'm planning to stay in the house, at least for a few years. I'd like the value to come back up, and I don't really want to move right now anyway. And it will give everyone a home base, even if it isn't their main home.
I will be a shade house poor, hopefully it will work out!
I went to C today, she thinks I am doing things right. She agreed that it would have been better to tell the kids together, but that my plan to let that lie unless things that that get to be a habit makes sense. She thinks that the fact that despite everything else, the fact that we have been good parents is going to help them adjust. I'd say that their immediate reaction seems to support that.
W told her parents today, she said that they said that they hoped that it would not change my relationship with them. Obviously, it does, but I agree with the sentiment. I will make sure that I have them over here regularly when I have the kids. She said that they were not surprised. They were a bit saddened that their kids are now three for three in the D department. We made it a lot longer than the other two, if that counts for anything!
I need to get packed to get the kids up to Flagstaff. We will be leaving early in the morning, so that they will be ready to ski just after noon.
HUGS!
I'm glad that your in laws are not angry/hurt or anything and want to maintain their good R with you.
(((Jeff)))
Have a GREAT trip!
morning friend. i hope you and the boys have a wonderful time, will be thinking of you
Jeff... many hugs to you my friend on this journey you are on. I respect you for so many things you have done in this journey especially I admire you for your patience.
Hey friend, how are you? I have been thinking about you. Well, I am so glad the hard part is over for you. That was the worst part for me.
You seem to be handling everything in your wonderful, calm, easy way.
Just keep being the great father that you are.
(((((BG)))))
(((((Sandy)))))
(((((Donna)))))
The kids had a great time skiing! And I was wishing that I felt comfortable taking my knee onto the slopes. I've been told by docs that would be a bad idea, and I never want to hear "that" sound again, so I will take their advice. I still looked like fun!
I did burn the top of my head watching, so I got some outside time. I also spend a good bit of time in the lodge, there was a fireplace, but no fire!
There were no big revelations from the kids. They really seem ok with things. We shall see as things play out. W has an appointment tomorrow, I assume with a Realtor, though she did not say so when she mentioned it. I hope she is able to find something nice that fits her needs and budget.
I have been trying to stay calm and even. I think it is working!
HI Jeff, so pleased that you and the kids had a great time and they seem ok with the news.
I suspect little things will crop up as time goes by and I am sure you will deal with it in your calm and loving way.
Sorry about the red head-hmm does this mean a little thin on top then?
My knees are a fetching shade of blue and puple at the mo! slightly puffy and definately not keen on bending I took a tumble onto concrete.
It was dark and I had no torch so missed last step, I really must eat more carrots.
Hope your week goes well.
((((Jeff))))
I'm glad the kids seem OK with the news and that they enjoyed the ski-ing.
Good to hear that you're staying calm and even as well. How does W seem about her tests? Is she worried at all?
naej- sorry to hear about your knees- sounds painful. I hope you make a speedy recovery.
L. xx
((((((naej))))))
Yep, a little thin on top! Not cue ball, yet, but not really well protected from the sun, either!
Sorry about the knees! That does not sound like fun!
((((((Lisa))))))
W seems ok, I think she is still a little worried, but not as much. She got follow-up stuff in the mail yesterday, she said it didn't sound as positive as what they told her at the time. I expect that they are covering themselves be scheduling more test in six months, just to be sure. From what I can piece together, I think she is probably fine.
I am sure there will be things coming up with the kids, but hopefully the worst is over.
Jeff don't worry about the hair,
Yep, a little thin on top! Not cue ball, yet, but not really well protected from the sun, either!
I am told that lack of it means you have a solar panel for a love machine.
So now you have your quote ready if and when!
hey friend, so glad you had fun. it was probably colder here than where you were lol.
still thinking of you and sending you lots of love.
(((((Jeff)))))))))
The skiing sounds fun. I haven't been in a lot of years. Something to think about doing soon I guess.
I love that.....solar panel for your love machine!
AWESOME LINE!
(((((naej)))))(((((BG)))))(((((mishka)))))
Happy Monday!
If I used that line, I would die laughing..... I'm not sure that would be really effective!
Jeff just stopping by. I'm sorry that things are this way, but it sounds like you are doing ok and the two of you seem to be able to amicable.
Solar panel for the love machine, thats priceless.
Not posting a lot these days, but reading.
(((((hugs))))))
Proud of how far you've come no matter what.
Hey handsome! Just checking in to see how you are doing.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
(((((Corey))))))
How are YOU doing?
(((((SMW)))))
I like the new name even better!
Well, the appraisal on this place came in 20k lower than the the lowest I expected. I think the appraiser is paranoid, maybe in these times he has to be, but I really think he lowballed. Anyway, it upset W pretty badly. And it makes it so that I can't quite get half the equity out. But, my payment will be less. So, we figure that I can up the child support a bit, she can then borrow a bit more, and still get about the same house in the end. Since we both think the appraisal is low, I'm willing to let the difference make up for that. (I guess in a way the low appraisal is a good deal for me, but it doesn't feel like it!)
The loan officer is going to call tomorrow, and I will figure out if it is possible to squeeze blood from a turnip!
I keep seeing in the news that Phoenix is one of the worst areas of housing sales in the country. You might be really lucky to be able to pull this off in economic times like this. Did you see the story about the couple that D'd but couldn't afford separate houses? The whole family still lives together, just not married.
So, how did you go from not being able to buy a mattress to buying out half the house?
Since this is a business deal, what is W giving on her half to make it fair for you?
(((Handsome))))
Sorry the apraisal came in low but glad you're managing to look on the bright side as usual!
Blood and turnips- let me know how you get on. If successful maybe we can move on to converting base metals to gold next?
L. xx
(((((WCW)))))
Luckily Tucson doesn't seem to be as bad as Phoenix. The loan officer said that everyone up there is upside down. That people bout houses for $300k, and can only sell for $130k. ACK!
So, how did you go from not being able to buy a mattress to buying out half the house?
Don't ask silly questions!
What am I getting? The mortgage, of course! And in theory, I expect to gain a lot more equity from this house than she will gain, in the long run.
I was going to ask for separation sex.... I thought better of it!
(((((Lisa)))))
It is still going to work. It's sort of a shell game. As long as W doesn't figure out the Ponzi scheme, I'll be fine!
Got a little blood from the turnip, it sounds like I can get a line of crdit on the house after the refi is done, and get cash their if I need to. Rate is great right now, will probably go up. But it could be useful in the near term.
I would love to do some experimenting with you!
On the base metals to gold thing!
Maybe other stuff, too!
Jeff you ole fox you!!! Offering to do a little chemistry with Lisa!??? Hmm!
I'm so glad for you that there was good news at last with the finances and yes, mortgages are pretty cheap right now hey! Sounds like the kids took the news calmly too, no dramas.
You're being really brave you know, I'm in awe of how stoic and accepting you are being and I am so glad that you seem to be able to keep going down this path without regrets or even too much angst.. you really sound oK! (are you ok?)
Al xxx
I was going to ask for separation sex.... I thought better of it!
Too funny! Ya never know if you don't ask!
Good luck though, on the mortgage too!
sorry about the appraisal my friend.
oh ok that seperation sex comment made me lmao!
((((((Ali))))))
I'd do chemistry with Lisa. Maybe other science subjects too.....
I really am doing ok. The kids are doing ok. W is a bit stressed (she's never really lived on her own), but doing ok. I think W is relieved, too. We are getting along better, in some ways, without both of us waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would have never expected it, but I am starting to think that for us, this is the right thing to do.
((((((WCW))))))
Too funny! Ya never know if you don't ask!
I don't think I am going to give her the opportunity to reject me on that!
((((((BG))))))
You know, it's funny. The low appraisal means that it costs me less to buy W out. And that my mortgage payment will be lower. Since I really believe that it is too low, it means that in a way I am shorting her. I'm not going to go overboard to make up the difference, since the appraiser might actually be right (in this weird market). But, I will do what I can to make things work for her. And in the end, I will be doing pretty well, I think. She will be as well, so it will be ok.
We were talking tonight, she was feeling weird about the quilt thing. She doesn't understand why I would want something like that from her. I said, 24 year, 4 great kids.... Anyway, she asked what kind I wanted. Before I could answer she said she wasn't sure that a future wife (she thinks I will remarry) would want to sleep under a quilt made by an XW. I said I thought a wall hanging would be better, anyway.
Speaking of future W's, she said I should marry for furniture. We have quite a bit of house, with not a lot of furniture. And a lot of it is handed down, yard sale type stuff. So, maybe I'll have to make that one of the first questions I ask a woman, "Do you have furniture?"
W doesn't know exactly what she will take, it depends on the house she chooses. It son't matter much, other than our kitchen table and a china unit, there really isn't anything to argue over.
Hey,
I have extra furniture... A lot!!
You do sound calmer. I know it is extremely sad after so many years and 4 great kids to fall apart like that but... we only have one life and you did all you could.
Take it easy, I can see the light form where I m standing...
xxx
K
Hey Jeff...
Thats too funny! (ok, not funny haha) "she said I should marry for furniture. We have quite a bit of house, with not a lot of furniture. And a lot of it is handed down, yard sale type stuff."
wow, that says alot about the kind of woman she is and where her heart is (very practical/pragmatic).. she suggests you remarry for better furniture, or was she joking !? Wow, I hope you remarry for passion and craziness and wild abandon and happily snuggle with one another on nothing but a pile of cushions, with a cardboard box for a table
I'm so glad that things are amicable between you Jeff and that you both can see that it is the right thing to do to let the other go. Boards are quite nowadays for us hey? Rememeber when we all used to break threads in a day or two!? Things move on hey...
xxx
((((((Kalni)))))
I have extra furniture... A lot!! \:D
And green eyes.... hmmmmmm......
(((((Ali)))))
She was joking about the furniture.... though it isn't an awful idea!
Wow, I hope you remarry for passion and craziness and wild abandon and happily snuggle with one another on nothing but a pile of cushions, with a cardboard box for a table
Got any boxes?
Things have slowed down around here, with the old gang... and not a lot of "success" in the classic sense. Though I think we are all getting better in ways we might not have expected.
Grrrrrrr!
The lawyer I had a call into doesn't have an appointment until the 20th, and I need it way sooner than that. I need to get some kind of document that states that the proceeds from this refi are going to W as part of a settlement, and not to me.
I need to do some more research..... Yuck!
Did some Googling, and writing, and sent a draft tot he loan officer. I hope it makes her happy!
Hey Jeff,
Hope you got the good news? Just dropping by the say hi.. I wonder at what time and day I will finally stop posting to this board !!??? Hmm... I feel like a dinosaur, as Kalni says! I noticed you were posting to Newcomers, good for you Jeff.. you really helped me so much from the start. I wish I could, but I just dont seem to have the heart to post to them.. suppose I feel quite guilty about that !
Al x
I feel like a first generation dinosaur here... I remember Forrest saying, that he was sure I would become one...
I cant post to Newcomers either. I've tried a couple of times and I have been following Veronica and a couple of others but that's about it... I dont even feel like posting on my thread either.
Let us know what is happening,
xxx
M
I'm with you K. I can't seem to post to my own thread anymore let alone be helpful to anyone else.
Jeff, you are such a kind, giving soul. I know you will come out the other end of this with a great outlook and hope for the future to be brighter. I'm quite proud to call you friend.
I don't see any of us as failures, our M's may have failed, but we are stronger in ourselves now.
Blessings to you buddy! Update us on what is going on. Did you find another L?
(((((Ali)))))(((((Kalni)))))(((((mishka)))))
The document I put together made the first person that saw it happy. Hopefully the trend will continue!
As far as what is happening....
I think W has decided on a house. I think she is considering two, but when she talks about them, one seems like the clear "winner". I don't think she can take too much action until my refinance is complete, so that she has the cash to back up her offer, but she might be able to put together some kind of contengent offer to get the bargaining started. She has been trying to figure out what furniture and appliances she wants to take, and what she wants to leave. She's been measuring, sketching, and thinking. She is worried about money (there's a surprise!), since she will have to "fill" an empty house. We will figure it out. It may be that we need to push the D as quickly as we can, since she might qualify for the substantial "first time homebuyer" tax credit if we are D'd. I think the only tricky thing we have to deal with is retirement plans. So, there is some work to be done there.
I'm not going anywhere for a while! I like hanging out with dinosaurs!
A little weirdness!
It looks like W has decided to make an offer on choice #2. It turns out that the bank that owns choice number one has a habit of not even responding to offers for two or three weeks, and seems to be interested only in full price offers. And it seems that the "advertised" square footage is wrong, besides. So, she is going to offer on choice 2, which will need a bit more TLC (carpets and paint) before they can move in, but still sound pretty good. And is a fair bit less expensive, and larger.
Anyway, after deciding to do this, she got into the car, and broke into tears (according to her.) I don't think it is a D thing, really. She has never lived on her own like this, and the thought of buying the house stresses her quite a bit. Everytime we've bought a house, it was pretty upsetting to her, so I'm not surprised. What she even admitted was weird is that her reaction was to call me. She said she even thought about it, and said, we are getting D's, and I am calling to cry on his shoulder. She said she was protecting her parents. I don't think she wants them to see her like that. They would try to fix it. I more of less just listened. And told her that she was always stressed when we bought a house.
((((Handsome))))
Interesting indeed, and it shows she did/does appreciate you in her own way. I'm almost tempted to suggest responding to the tears/stress in a 180 way, not by not listening, but maybe offering support and sympathy (like a girl would!). But I feel silly saying it, so instead will say that this weekend I bought 3 pairs of new socks and couldn't stop smiling as I was choosing them because socks always now remind me of you.
L. xx
(((((Lisa)))))
Well, I didn't try to "fix" anything for her. And didn't offer to help in any way. The only thing I did tell her was that since it needed work before she would move in that I wasn't going to push her out of the house. (Unless you are coming to visit!
) And I said that I didn't hate her guts. Was that a mistake?
I'm needing some new socks.....
You can't have mine- I certainly hope your feet are bigger than that
I think you handled the conversation really well!
((((hugs))))
L. xx
Hmmmmm.......
My feet may be bigger than yours, but they are not big!
My 14 year old is wearing larger shoes than mine!
Last might he told me, "You know what they say..... big feet, big shoes!"
Your son has a fine sense of humor, he clearly gets that from you!
Just checking in on you, I have been a lazy poster the past couple weeks... Have you fired up the grill lately? I could go for some salmon...
mmmmmmm....cedar plank salmon......how about it Jeff?
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think some salmon sounds great!
I did do some pork spare ribs a couple weeks ago.
W is doing better, or was last night. She was worried that she wouldn't get the house, but that is normal. Unless someone jumps in with a better offer, I think she has it made. She didn't lowball, so at worst she will get a counter and they will work it out, I think.
S14 said the other night that he was focusing on the positive things, since he didn't want to get depressed. He said he thought that both W and I would be happier. And the new house is only about 2 miles from his best friend, who has been for years. Only a short bike ride!
Well, W's worries were unfounded. Her offer was accepted tonight. Her Realtor said they wanted to accepted the offer, and not pay the closing costs she asked for. He told them that the offer had taken into account the water damage. The washer was leaking when he first went into the house, so there was some water on the floor. Tile floor, slab foundation. Not a lot of water. Probably no damage at all. But, still. They said, what water damage? He told them of the water on the floor, they said, we'll take it!
The inspection is Monday, then it is just time. If all goes to plan she will have the keys before the end of April.
She is excited. The kids are excited. I'm even excited for her. As weird as that seems. She even ended up under her budget!
The refi has moved to "final underwriting", whatever that means. I'm supposed to talk to them tomorrow about the final numbers, payments, etc. So, I think settling on that is probably only a week or so away, as well.
Now, I just need to figure out a good way to get QDROs generated. I think I will call the plans tomorrow, and see if they have models of what they will accept. That might simplify things. Gosh, I may have to move to surviving soon!
Cool !! I'm wondering if & where to start my new thread. I'm not "surviving" I'm thriving. lol
Our 14 year olds are in the same boat. D14 was looking at the bright side of things the other day. I'm continually amazed at how resilient the kids are.
Hugs
(((((cookie)))))
S14 seemed to really understand himself. I was impressed. He knows that there are negatives, and I am sure he has thought about them. But he is choosing to think about the positives. How many adults can manage that?
Hey, VH & Cookie.....
What are you two doing up so late!!?? Isn't it past your bed time?
What a bunch of party animals you are!!!
Glad to see you both doing well!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
((((((SC))))))
Look who's talking!
Yeah, it is time for bed! We don't go on DST here, so it's only 12:15.
Now that I'm separated I don't have a bedtime !!! LOL
I don't get any pressure from anyone to do anything when I'm not ready to. (well, except for the 4 kids that think they can, but they're learning too)
Jeff, tell me more about your S14, maybe we can arrange something for when our kids are about 35 & ready to get married. lol
(((((cookie)))))
I think we've talked the kids into not getting married until they are 30!
If it wasn't for the getting up in the morning thing, I don't know when I'd go to sleep. I'm a night owl, for sure!
(((((mishka)))))
A QDRO is a Qualified Domestic Relations Order. A fancy name for the document that tells a pension plan or 401(k) administrator how to handle the division of retirement benefits. You'd think it would be simple.... but nooooooooo!
ahhh..didn't have any of that to worry with....:(
Other than the house, it's the biggest thing we have to worry about. In the long run, it's probably more important than the house. The 401(k) has taken a nosedive, but both of the companies that I've worked for for any substantial length of time have (or had in one case) pension plans that could turn out to be quite valuable over time. So it is important to make sure that the split is done right, to make sure we are both protected.
(((Handsome)))
I used to work for a big transnational company and I'd always hear my colleagues talking about their "For Owe Wunq". I thought it must be some kind of specialist food (like that squeezy tube cheese stuff) until I went to visit one of our US sites once and asked someone if there was a place I could find it (I was thinking Chinese restaurant!). I guess you can imagine how much my American colleagues laughed about that.
Hope you're having a good day.
L. xx
It just got better!
And I don't work tomorrow, so it is Virtual Friday!
(((((Lisa)))))
Oooh, have you got any plans? Don't eat any For Owe Wunq's. Terrible indigestion!
L. xx
W is going up to Flagstaff to bring S19 home for Spring break. She is taking the little guys up to go skiing again. I am planning golf, and clear off my desk at home! And perhaps do some nothing.
I get indigestion when I look at the value of my for Owe Wung!
It is Friday... Hope you are having some RL fun...
xx
K
(((((Kalni)))))
I didn't have to work today, and it was nice and sunny, so I went golfing. I was pretty bad! I hit a couple good shots, so I will have to try again, though!
In other news, S21 survived his birthday today. Some of his Marine friends took him out last night, planning to take him barhopping after midnight. But by the time midnight rolled around, none of them could drive, so they just stayed wherever they were. The they all had to go drill at 0700 this morning! Yesterday his Sargent told him that as long as he could stand on his own this morning he was ok!
Anyway, I guess that means we've succeeded on the first one! Three to go!
OohRah!
My L mentioned that it costs between $700-$1000 to do a QDRO. It appears that I might have to do one for a portion of my 401K. At the time of D, I had enough SEP IRA values to satisfy the retirement settlement, however, it has taken a while to get those transferred and now they have dropped quite a bit such that they wont satisfy the judgment. I wish I could have just had it written in the settlement that she gets all the SEP's. Oh well, it is only money and I am still a young lad like you Jeff - we will make more money.
Semper Paratus
Hey Kerry!
The thought of spending $3000 to say, "split these in half" is disturbing! I know in the long run it is no big deal, but....
I've found a couple of on-line sources, for about $300 each, one claims to have the info on a zillion plans (and in fact does list the ones I need). I am sorely tempted!
Wow, this is all gobbledygook to me, but sounds like you know what you are doing!
Hows things at home Jeff, are you no longer walking on eggshells, would you say you and W are friends?
Al xxx
((((((Ali))))))
I wish I knew what I was doing! The concept is simple enough, the trick is making all the lawyers happy! And trying to avoid paying them to do it!
At home..... things are pretty good, really. The eggshells are largely gone. The tension is less. I think that W feels less pressure, since she knew that the way we were living was "weird", but now it is ok. (That was assuming. I don't know that!) I would say that we are friends. I think we can get along ok, we just can't live together. Or so it seems.
((((Handsome))))
Stopping by to say hello and I bet your golf shots were better than mine would have been
I'm glad things are a bit easier at home, and Happy Birthday S21!
L. xx
Hi Jeff
How are you? Do you think it is just that the elephant has been taken out of the room, so to speak, which means you are getting on better or are you treating each other differently at all?
((((((((((((((((Jeffmeister)))))))))))))))
Hey buddy! Hoping your day is going swimmingly!
Erin Go Braugh!
(((((((Julia)))))))
I think that it is mostly that the elephant has been taken out of the room. I have tried to make it clear that I want to be fair, but that isn't really new for me. I think that she is less likely to try to control me now, in a way she's lost her leverage on that.
(((((mishka)))))
I only have to survive 'til about 4:30, then I can leave to go to Outback to celebrate S21's birthday. It was Sunday, but he was playing Marine then, and had to work last night.
Oh man....Outback! I love that place! They make a mean Long Island Iced Tea and a pretty darned good Lemon Drop too.
Have fun!
Jeff, you sound good, and I'm so glad to hear it.
How was dinner?
(((((Jeff)))))
Hey Jeff, you and your wife are having the most civil divorce I havve heard in a long time. I think it helps that there wasnt an ow and your kids seem to be handling it ok.
Glad things are moving along and you are doing well.
(((((GF)))))
Dinner was great! I had been looking forward to the baked sweet potato!
(((((Donna)))))
It has been incredibly civil. No OPs is certainly a good thing. Last night at dinner, W said that she wanted to take the key lime tree (it was a gift from her brother). He mom looked pained, and said that I was the one that made the key lime pies! So, I told W that we'd get a new one for her, and that she could come over and eat pie when I make it!
I settled on my refinancing today. At the end of the day, buying out her portion of the house costs about $120 a month. It could be a lot worse! I've got three days to back out, so the money won't actually materialize until Monday. And W has to go in Monday at the latest to sign the disclaimer deed, so that I will own the house alone.
(((((Mishka)))))
Missed you there! I had plain old iced tea! Anything else and I wouldn't have made it home, I think!
Wow, thats all sorted fast then... so then your W can go buy somehwere in town? Have you decided on where the kids will spend their time? Presumably mainly with Mum?? You ok abuot that or are yuo going to split it 50/50?
You do sound kind of happy, cheeful Jeff, its wierd, but I am glad.
Al xxx
(((((Ali)))))
She's already got a contract on the house she plans to buy. There are still a few hoops to jump through, but it should be a done deal by the end of April.
The kids will be with her most of the time during the school week, and with me every other weekend. And then some kind of 50-50 ish split during holidays. It works ok, really. Since she works 3 days a week most of the time, she will work the weekends that I have the kids, and not have to work on a lot of school days, in the end. During the week I'd only see them to get them out of the house, and for a short time in the evening, so it won't be too bad.
It is weird. The whole thing is weird!
Boy Jeff, it took you a long time to get to this stage, but it is moving very quickly now that you are here.
The other good thing is that there wasnt an MLC where she racked up a lot of debt. I am thinking I might be in an apartment or a trailer if I'm lucky.
I am glad it seems to be working out ok for you. You deserve it!
Jeff
I haven't said much to you lately, you aren't really in a place where you are looking for guidance. So I will tell you that I am very glad that you seem to be handling all of these changes so well. And I am not sensing much in the way of 'eggshells' these days. That HAS to be a plus! Like you said, your W cannot continue to control you now that you have set each other free, so to speak. Glad that you have been able to work together on everything.
And I am jealous! I love outback and I love love love baked sweet potatoes! Actually I have a side dish I make at home.
You slice sweet potatoes and yams (one is orange inside, one yellowish-white) like you would for scalloped potatoes. Then you layer them in alternate layers in a casserole dish. In between the potato layers you put a little butter and parmesan cheese.
It is so delicious! Not healthy, with the cheese and butter, but delicious! I got the recipe from friends we had when we lived in Idaho (potato country!). I had never liked sweet potatoes until then. Guess I just don't like them with gooey sweet stuff. I like to eat them as a potato, not a dessert!
Jeff it sounds like things are civil and moving along nicely. You also sound really good, like BobbiJo said...like you've been set free. As sad as it is, I'm happy for you and the positive changes you have made and continue to make in your life.
Outback sounds wonderful. Haven't been there in FOREVER. I'll have to try the sweetpotato.
((((hugs))))