I thought I would post here as well as in surviving....
My W left for good on Saturday. Today is the first time I would have to go to her new place to pick up my kid, and take her home where she lives - every day. W wants to be separated so she can "get away from the stress" she says...however, this is harder than I thought, and today she tries to make nice by joking around that I should get a "girlfriend" so I wouldn't be lonely at home. She thought it was funny, but that sent me into an angry downspin and now I am depressed......
How cold can she get???? After that little comment of hers I have decided to change the locks on the house, but I am still depressed over this whole thing she is doing.
today she tries to make nice by joking around that I should get a "girlfriend" so I wouldn't be lonely at home.
Her insecurities are getting to her. She said this to see how you would respond.
Try not to let it get you down. Think good thoughts!!!!
Instead of going to the W's place, have her meet you somewhere.
Well, I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with this "plan" of hers....picking up my daughter at her place....I know she is still trying to see if I still care for her. Of course I do, and I want this nightmare to end. But she made a choice with having an affair, now she is running again by moving out. All of my friends are saying that I need to end it with her and move on, and that I am in the longest denial they have seen anyone be in. But my W should be the one to file if she wants out------why doesn't she? She's strong enough, she has the balls to laugh at the immigration process and not worry about getting caught...
It's hard still, I married her, and I realize I still love her. They all say for me to let her go. Maybe that's a wise choice, even if I am the one to file.
Sol- My friends and family are telling me the same thing. Only u know when the right time will be. Go with your heart. No one knows your wife better then u do. At least this is what I keep telling myself
Only God really knows what we should do.
Keep the faith everyone
I just learned that my daughter was not at my W's place the whole time. She was at a friends of hers......so I wonder why my W wanted to be alone at her place-----like it's any of my business now, right? But I am still married, and I will NOT cheat on her while still being married to my W. She, on the other hand, knows better than to try and cheat again.....unless she wants to lose custody in a court battle.
My W said that she is picking up our daughter from the friend's house and dropping her off at my house. She still has the key to get in, but I am changing the locks now. My W cannot come and go as she pleases while she is living in her own place, and she's just trying to be in control of the sitch. I am paying all the bills on my own now, just like she's paying her new rent.
Tomorrow we will go through this scenario again. But she will soon discover that she cannot get in like she wants to. And I talked to SS and told him he CANNOT give my W his copy of the house key so she can go and get a copy herself. If I learn about that, SS house privileges are going away and he too will need to wait on me to be let in.
Today was a twist....my W asked if it would be OK for her to stay the day at the house with my daughter instead of going back to her trailer. Her excuse is that she doesn't have cable TV hooked up, but now that her lights are on, she said she would be living there.
When she came over this morning she looked tired as usual, but she had this pale stare like she was depressed. I didn't mention anything to her and just said "hi" and "bye".
Guess her choice of running away is starting to sink in and get to her? I told her because of the lack of cable at her place that she could stay. At least she asked. Another friend of mine is telling me that my W is already having second thoughts, and even said that she probably made a mistake of buying that depreciating piece of junk and she signed a 1 year lease.
Make sure to just give her some space...even if it's in your space. She has as much on her mind as you do and needs the room to figure it out. Being in your place will keep her curious, even if it's for the moment. And that's a baby step...
SOL,
Cable T.V. is not the end of the world brother. Sorry I could not post last night but my CABLE WAS TURNED OFF....Get it. I did not beg to stay at my STBXW's house because I did not have cable. I found other things to do with the kids.
GET IT.
If she wants to live the life of having her own place that is fine let her. Be strong and firm. But not having cable seems like a sad excuse to me anyways.....Just my 2 cents.
Yeah, it's a weak excuse for her to want to sleep at the house.
She is feeling the pressure and second guessing herself. I, however, am not going to argue with her, but allow her the space she needs. Once her cable is on, she will run out of excuses to stay over. I can tell she regrets having that trailer now.
Yeah, it's a weak excuse for her to want to sleep at the house.
She is feeling the pressure and second guessing herself. I, however, am not going to argue with her, but allow her the space she needs. Once her cable is on, she will run out of excuses to stay over. I can tell she regrets having that trailer now.
If you feel comfortable with it then fine it is you choice. You are the only one that knows your own boundries. However still seems to me like she is just using you to get by for the time being. Once she feels comfortable on her own then she will bolt.
Of course that is just my 2 cents.
Just becareful not to open yourself up to much.
What happens when you have the locks changed and she still does not have cable are you going to give her a key? Remeber, you give them an inch and they want a mile.
No, she will not get a key. She decided to run. I am just letting her do what she thinks is right, even though we all know its nuts.
She is in "breakdown mode" in her marriage, unhappy, and unwilling to continue counseling. She is, however, trying to do things as a family and she is missing us being one unit (her, me, the kids, house...etc).
I am just letting her do her own thing and trying to detach. I have my own plans now, building my business.....looking into airbrushing again since tattooing takes a lot out of me, and look for a new job with better pay....
She is, however, trying to do things as a family and she is missing us being one unit (her, me, the kids, house...etc).
Dude I am going to say this once and I really do not want to have to say I told you so. But have you been watching what Karla was doing with the whole family time thing. She used it and sucked me in and broke me down. All while she was still seeing JSO and lying to me telling me it was over between them. Don't let your gaurd down. I really hope she is not playing the same Game Karla tried.
My guard is not down. I know what she did with that guy....she fell in love with him and that still bothers me greatly. I have flash backs about that and I can't stand listening to certain types of music now because she was so into that creep.
She is still not being honest with me, but I am ready to let her go if that's what she wants. I know what she is trying to do.....throw her guilt trip on me. It's not happening. She already broke me once and I am not going back to that. I don't see us being "back together" without serious counseling. Right now I have never disliked her as much as I do now.....it's almost to the point of despising her, but she made her choice, and she has to live with that choice. I have no idea whether she had sex or not with him, I only suspect, but I know her feelings for him are still there and very real.
She is feeling guilty because she told someone that she is breaking up her family.....and its eating at her. Well, my anger is subsiding a lot, and it's helping me to focus on doing the things I want to do - without her in my life. She's out of the house now, and I have every right to sell it if I wanted to. But I am looking after my daughter's and SS's interest. I love my wife but not as a wife - I am not in love with her. She's a human being that tore my heart out by cheating and now by moving out...if she wants back she WILL go to all the counseling we need and she WILL freakin stop lying about her affair, admit she had one and made a mistake....
Too much damage has been done. I still remember those sleepless nights 7 months ago, and all the crying I did. I'm in a better place now, not the best place yet, but I am getting there....
Just wanted to make sure brother
You are doing the right things just becareful.
Sure will, thanks.
And since you have been through this before, I will let you know what she does or what develops.....
Man, she's even more screwed up in the head than I thought with her moving out - she always planned to move out as soon as she "found" a place - heard it from a friend of hers. Hopefully one day she can straighten herself out and really commit to something, but obviously she's not committed to me (or us). But I on the other hand am taking care of business......I am going to my next counseling appt on Friday. She told me she's not going, so it will be an IC session for me. My W already spilled the beans to the C, so it will be interesting to see what the C tells me - but I already heard it here.
I just need to keep telling myself she is gone from this R, and I am going to move on.
I just need to keep telling myself she is gone from this R, and I am going to move on.
I guess the real question is, do you want to move on? Or do you want her to re-commit to you and your family? Because from what i am reading, you said "if she wants back she WILL go to all the counseling we need and she WILL freakin stop lying about her affair, admit she had one and made a mistake....". Is that the only way you want her back? Because there is a chance she will not admit to her A being wrong but she still wants to reconcile. It could have been something she needed at the time. Not saying it's right, but it may be what she feels. And the counseling will be more for you to get over what she has done. That is an individual thing. You two need counseling to figure out why she had the A.
I only said if she wants to be back she will need to work on her issues in IC and also with me in MC.
And I also want to know what happened between us that lead to her having an affair......is it her depression? Insecurity? Trauma from being abused as a young girl? She is not in love with me at all anymore? She is definitely not happy nor is she getting the help she needs. She's running - that's all she knows right now. She's also threatens suicide when she gets in an angry fit....etc....
You two need counseling to figure out why she had the A.
That is what I am trying to get at with her.....IF she wants this to work. But I am at a point where I can let her go if need be. I can't wait around forever.
We know you can't wait around forever. But you love her, you know she is sick. Depression and trauma. How long are you willing to wait for the person you love? In sickness and in health. If you want to be with her, how long do you wait? You wait until she files. My opinion. You continue to get yourself better, but if you love her and want to be with her, you wait.
You say running is all she knows right now. Even the best distance runner gets tired of running. Eventually she will bottom out, do you want to be there when she does? Do you want to be there for her? If so, you wait.
Sol,
Have you thought about a legal seperation for now? Just another thought. One step short of a D and not much different in my opinion. But it is another option other than a D that seperates you from her finacially as well as settles the custody issue. Pretty much says everything in a legal form that you want with out an actual D,
Sol, you wrote "And I also want to know what happened between us that lead to her having an affair......is it her depression? Insecurity? Trauma from being abused as a young girl?" You have forgotten one key element, your part in what happened. I know that is really hard to look at but dynamics between people have a huge part in the choices each makes. Her choice was wrong, no doubt but you can't just look at her defecits etc as the ONLY reason an A happened. Trust me, my W is in a looney situation and I could list off her childhood emotional isolation etc but there was something in our R too that did not work. That is something I have to look at so that I don't repeat that kind of situation in the future with her or any other R. You too need to look beyond her responsibility for answers. It's hard but it's important. She's messed up, absolutely. She needs counselling and much more, you are right. But remember, it's a partnership that did not work, ask why?
I think you hit the nail on the head and that he realy needs to think about it.
Maybe not for this R but definitely for his next let it be his current W or someone else. I know for a fact I do not want to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past and I am sure there are still some that I have not uncovered as well. I actually wish my STBXW would tell me what I did wrong in a little more detail instead of just saying I changed. That way I could evaluate my own mistakes vrs what she percieves as mistakes. Guese that i what C is for.
I know I forgot to mention my part in it. My mistake, but I left that out and I know I did something or things that she did not like. I lose my temper too, I don't apologize right away, I don't say "I love you" enough, I don't "talk" to her about her past....all of these things she already pointed out to me. It is our R and it's bad dynamics that causes us to butt heads a lot. Without looking at her problems, I can isolate my own and work on them...but I need to look deeper with IC, so I can pinpoint where my unattractive areas are and change them.
She is my first wife, first long term R, and only woman I have a kid with. I had no idea (and still a bit clueless) on how good relationships work. I am an expert on how bad relationships work and can cause many of them! But I want to learn how to make good R last longer. I know it is possible. That's what I want - whether its with this woman I am currently married to or the next.
Maybe I don't care enough for her like I think I did....???? Is love doing things for someone or is it a feeling? I look at my little girl and I know I am capable of loving someone. But with my W, it is so difficult - does that make sense to anyone? There are things I don't like about her that sends me over the edge....and that's where I "blow it".
There will be alot of things you will question Sol. I'm there with you guy! I sometimes wonder whether I am even capable of having a healthy R with any woman in the future. You think these things sometimes. But, it's hard to come to any real conclusions, and best not to, when we're floating around in this mess. I'm glad you have some ideas about where you went wrong, that you serve you tremendously in the future. It's an emotional rollercoaster, I guess we just grab on tight and take the ride. You're doing well, hang on!
Hey, Happy July 4 I hope your flag is flying proudly today
Thank you whatis - I haven't forgotten what country I live in thanks to looking at the flag today!
I had a good chat with my parents - they know about my sitch all the way in California. No matter how I try to look at this thing, it feels wrong. It's when I find solace in the fact that I do have a life after marriage - that I feel better about where I am.
This picking up daughter and dropping her off is getting ridiculous. And W has her own set of new bills now....oh, I went to visit her place this morning....and I wasn't impressed at all, in fact, I was grossed out by the kind of run-down, rotting and worthless pile of junk she wasted 3 grand on.....I don't like my daughter being over there at all....that place needs to be demolished and replaced with a new trailer. The whole park over there is one of the oldest dumps you can think of. She's running away from me and a great home for what? To see if she has a future without me or with a loser? Man, I should just look the other way if this is going down like this!
But I didn't criticize her place at all....she obviously sees potential in that junk. Her "home away from home"??? I just hope she can get her life together if she is going to want to be single for my daughter's sake. Today's encounter with her "new place" put things in perspective for me. Now I understand why she likes to hang out at the house versus her pad.....it's much nicer where we are.
Still, being separated is a new life for me now. I feel like I am divorced yet still in her life due to my daughter.
Maybe her new residence will wake her up, you never know. It is probably good that you didn't say a word about the place, she already knows.
I've been seperated for over two months and have a son, I know exactly how you feel.
This picking up daughter and dropping her off is getting ridiculous.
I can totally relate. I haven't read your whole sitch. How old is your daughter?
But I didn't criticize her place at all....she obviously sees potential in that junk.
Good move. You should have found a way to say something positive about her place or something. My W moved into a new house too and I complimented her on it. The only problem with it is, it is so small and is 2 stories. I am barely moving out of my parent's house into a nice apartment complex and I am sure this is going to bother my W because she knows that there are a lot of single women in the complex. I am already fighting off women at work. This has helped immensely with my self-esteem. Part of my GAL is this new apt and just being friends with females. This helps your confidence and you are able to see that there is nothing wrong with you. Your W just has low self-esteem and is blaming you for everything. She is not willing to look into the mirror.
I feel like I am divorced yet still in her life due to my daughter.
You will ALWAYS be in your daughter's and W's life. They are so weird. Unless there is affairs or extreme abuse, nobody should D. You two will always be together and that is why people always get back together. A piece of paper is not going to change anything.
789....very funny pictures. Thanks for sharing those! You have a nice looking family and great kids....now - what is wrong with your wife? Man, I don't see how one spouse can "lose it" like that and want to separate because they are "unhappy".....
OneWish.....I know what you mean. Yeah, my wife suffers from depression and low self-esteem. I will always see her for the rest of my life because we have a child together.
I could have said something nice about her place but I would only be sarcastic if I complimented her on it. I know I should have been "nicer", but even she doesn't like it and is trying to make it better by fixing the place up. She only got that particular one because it has 2 rooms that she wanted to use for the kids. That place is so poorly insulated that it gets hot when the sun hits it and gets cool in the shade. She probably needs to spend another 5 grand to make it livable....are there building codes for trailers? I think there are, but I'm sure they are not as strict or numerous as actual homes.
I have an 8 year old little girl, and today she asked my daughter why mommy has to live in a different place and not stay home. My W's response to her was that "we have too many problems", I didn't say anything at that comment and simply left for work. My duaghter, who's only 8, already thinks that it's not a good idea for her mom to be living someplace else. What else can I tell my little girl but that both parents love her?
Quick recap to my sitch: Summer of 2006 wife was unhappy and we argued intensely. August 2006 she starts an affair with a co-worker that was interested in my W and listened to her. During this time she wants a D. 3 months later I discover the affair and confront her. We reconcile for a month but doesn't last - she's still "in love" with this loser that can't even support himself. (I'm disgusted at this part).
Then, wife has this BRILLIANT plan to use OM to marry SIL so she can become legal (she's in Mexico.) She took a trip with OM to Mexico so he could meet SIL and arrange their fake R. I told W it was wrong for her to do this, but I was trying to DB at the time and I was thinking about the consequences for my whole family if I reported her back then. 2 things threw me into a rage about this whole sham.....first - the approval letter (Petition for a Fiance) came to MY HOUSE from Immigration, so it was going to happen, that pissed me off. second, when SIL would arrive and they would have their sham marriage, OM would become my BIL??? And he would stay in the picture for a long time while I knew an affair happened with my W and him?? - That just makes me sick. So I went to 3 D lawyers, got the same thing about this, that I should run away from my W and leave her if she was going to do something "Highly Illegal" - according to the attorneys. So then I went to an Immigration Atty, who called my wife and told her she could be thrown in a federal prison for doing this. W thought I was bluffing and got a friend to do this, but she called the atty's number and found it was REAL. So W freaks out! And now she claims to have stopped the whole thing. Then my anger grows and I continue to try MC and she goes for the first time. It surprise me, but I am not convinced she is really done with SIL and her sham "plans".....so she moves out to get away from ME but also to do what she wants to do behind my back...
So see? I can't really trust her right now. I still don't agree in her "helping" her sister this way, and I am not going to jeopardize myself or my kids in this highly illegal scheme. My W became a U.S. citizen just last year, and I told her the govt can strip her citizenship away......she doesn't believe me, but if she gets caught, it's all on her.
Then there is the M problems we have. So I can't really work on the M when I had this sham hanging over my head. This is such a mess with our "M problems", "affair", and "sham marriage".....now involving OM (she calls "just a good friend")....see my frustrations? With her moved out, (partially - she still has a few of her things at the house), she is actually helping me in the D process. We need 6 months apart without any custody battles to make a D happen (daughter was born before we got married, so 6 months vs 1 year in VA). I am willing to wait 6 months being separated and see where we are then. I can file any day after that and be D 2 weeks later. If she doesn't want me, fine. If she wants OM, that's her own choice, right? They can both be happy in a junk of a trailer for all I care. But right now my W is soooo confused that I almost feel sorry for her. She is, after all, the mother of my child.
At this point I feel that my M is over. W continues to run away, and she proved she doesn't want to be with me with her moving out. She has a 1 year lease on that piece of junk (space rental), but a friend of ours told me she now regrets what she is doing, but she's doing it anyway. I feel betrayed all over again, but I am in a better place as time goes by...
Sol,
Bro, be nice and compliment something. You said she is fixing it up to make it at least look nicer. What has she done to it? Hung pictures whatever, Compliment something. There has to be something that she has done to the trailer that you think looks good eventhough it is a run down piece of sh!t.
Remember to lovingly detatch. Stay away from you anger in this and just be friendly. I am not saying be her best friend right now but be a friend/Coworker.
One last thing.
Just remember she is trying. She is trying to do what is right at this point in her life. Granted what you see as right and what she sees as right are two totally diferent things right now but she is trying in her own way. I have a hard time dealing with that aspect with CPB as well but it is something I HAVE to accept. I HAVE to accept the fact that she is trying to do what is best for her right now it might not be what I believe is right for her, for me, for our kids, but it is what she feels she needs to do right now in HER life. Similar as YOU are doing the things YOU have to do for YOU in YOUR life.
Hope that makes sense.
I hear you.....the main thing I got from your post is that I need to watch my anger.
I'll try to be nice. It's freakin hard to do. But I'll try.....
How about this.....DETATCH FROM YOUR ANGER....Let it go.
You have to do that for your own sanity.
I have my next counseling appt tomorrow. I reminded my wife about it, but so far she didn't respond about going. She told me last week she wasn't......
I just got back from a counseling session. It was supposed to be a MC session, but turned into an IC session due to my wife's refusal to go. Guess working on the marriage is a no go for her - and she seems to be doing things her way.
Still, it was good for me to get my whole story out to the counselor who now understands where I am coming from. She pointed out some anger issues I need to work on, and referred me to a psychiatrist so I can get on some AD's. In a way it was good that my W was not there so I can get my side out and prove to the counselor there was actually an affair on my W's part, and some near-misses on my part but I explained that I was angry and felt like having my own affair in the past. Glad I didn't.
So I go back in 2 weeks, and see the psychiatrist in 3 weeks. The psychiatrist is a male, but I chose him over a female psychiatrist for his timeliness (my therapist pointed it out) and my short window during work hours. I don't have a preference over male or female counselors, but it helps to hear things from a woman's perspective so I can know what I need to work on.
Once the counselor understood my sitch, it made me feel like I am not going crazy after all.
Hey Jazz......
Yeah, it feels like I am making progress - at least with myself.
Sol,
This is good. It is fine to vent and commiserate and get advice here, but it's always a good idea to get professional advice in critical situations.
Most of my counselors have been women, but my psych was a man. Visits with him were more like a doctor's appt--15 to 20 min just to get a quick update and evaluate the effectiveness of the meds.
I have one more "free" session, but I want to continue my therapy to find out where we went wrong....or rather, where I went wrong since my wife doesn't want to go anymore. I want to work on myself, and make sure that I am not that damaged internally and able to have a healthy R if I wanted to. I hope these sessions will help me discover my flaws that are magnified by the bad dynamics of my current R. For some reason, I react badly to my W in her way of "communicating" and in "arguing". I told my counselor that I flare up when my W goes into her "mean mode"....and she pointed out that I need to work on anger mgt for myself. Too bad my W wasn't there to benefit from this session, but it was mainly for my own sanity.
I am not crazy......
Wife has a way of pissing me off. With her move out, I am FORCED to cut back on my expenses, including removing SS from my old insurance policy. Since he won't be able to DRIVE anymore, he doesn't want to waste his money on paying his part of the auto insurance, and I just took out a new policy with a new company since the old company wants proof that he secured insurance someplace else in order to remove him.
Well, my stupid wife is asking me WHY he needs to turn in his driver's license, and I tried to explain to her that while he lives in this household and holds a valid license that he MUST have insurance with SOME OTHER insurance company. My new insurance company will find out that he used to be on my old policy and will want proof of the same. So the best thing for him is to not hold his license and simply turn it back in since he won't be driving any of our cars, and wife wants to keep me and her on the new policy so we can save. So I told him to get a new ID card BEFORE he turns in his license. Wife is confused why he needs to do this, and I just want to EXPLODE on her by telling her BECAUSE SHE MOVED OUT SHE IS CAUSING LOTS OF CHANGES AND FINANCIAL HARDSHIPS ON ALL OF US!!!!
I let SS explain all this to her as she has pushed me over the edge. I am PISSED that she is doing this to us (moved out)!!!!!! And she knows dam well what she is doing! What a GREAT solution she has! In her mind, she thinks that MOVING OUT is a GREAT IDEA and COUNSELING DOESN'T WORK! Freakin GREAT!
Oh, and my daughter thinks that my wife can get married again. I explained to my daughter that we are still married, and mommy simply moved out, but in order for her to get married again we need to be divorced, and that means getting a piece of paper that says we are no longer married anymore. My daughter finally understood this, she was confused by my wife moving out and thought that we are both going to see other people and get married to them.
OK, I'm getting calm again. I really need that anger mgt training that my counselor is getting me on. I also need those AD's.
Funny thing, I know some D people where one spouse has gone to MC and the other has refused. Why is this? I want to go because I want to see if I can come out of this OK, and the benefits are there for me to use anyway, so why not? I'm glad I am going, it gives me a better perspective about my life and where I am in this R. My W still acts like she is my wife sometimes. We hug when we leave each other and she calls just about everyday. I guess this space of hers is helping HER out, but not me per say.
My counselor was curious if my daughter had spent the night over at her place, and I told her she did. I also told her that my wife and I agreed that the house (where I live) will be my daughter's primary and only residence. My W is not pushing D, she's just happy being separated.
Still, it's starting to feel like we are headed for a civil and agreeable divorce so we each can go on with our own lives. My wife has different ideas, like keeping me around as long as she can - for what reason I don't know. This solution of hers just stinks the big one.
I'm taking my daughter out to the Virginia Aquarium to see the big "fishies". That is a COOL place to go see!
I'm just laying down in my bed, in my house, with my wife at her job at night, and living in her own place.
She has been working nights for 2.5 years now, had an affair as a result of choosing to work nights, and I find myself in the same sitch as any other night since 2.5 years ago. Nothing had changed.
And I asked myself, "what the hell am I doing laying in bed at night by myself?????" I want my wife to be there with me at night, and spend afternoons and days off together....but I don't have that and probably never will with my current wife.
So what am I doing? It's not that I am lonely since she has moved out, but that I am lonely from 2.5 years ago.........way before the A, and I have no one that cares a dam about me - at least that's how I feel.
So I am home alone at night, just like any other night since my wife started working nights.
And I ask myself: "What am I doing???"
Sol,
Wife has a way of pissing me off
She knows you and knows what buttons to push. Only suggestion I can make, stop reacting to what your wife says.
I am familiar with it, because I use to react to my H all the time. He would say things that would either make me upset, or really hurt me, and I would blow up.
Don't worry if your W goes to councelling, worry about you going. You can't force her, so don't try to stress about it.
I let SS explain all this to her as she has pushed me over the edge. I am PISSED that she is doing this to us (moved out)!!!!!! And she knows dam well what she is doing! What a GREAT solution she has! In her mind, she thinks that MOVING OUT is a GREAT IDEA and COUNSELING DOESN'T WORK! Freakin GREAT!
Alot of things our spouses do seem insane to us, but it isn't to them. Work on yourself, let her do what she needs to.
It took me 18 months to get to the point where I do not react to my H's comments any more, and I have detached from all of the negative things from our marriage. I think it has made me a more understanding person and put me in a better place.
Will our marriage be saved, more than likely no, I think it is pretty much done, but this process is not really about working on our marriage, it is about working on ourselves.
You will not have all of the answers tomorrow. Be patient and work on yourself.
Take Care
Thanks Sigh
I keep hearing this a lot from people. 1) To let my W do what she needs to do. And 2) to work on myself....which is extremely important and paramount.
I plan to do both, I just get frustrated sometimes. Hopefully I can reach a point - when my W does something ridiculous - and I just say, "Oh, look at that. How interesting....." without going off on her or getting upset anymore.
Well, she bought her junk trailer a month ago, was planning it because I'm sure she was looking way before she bought it.
It's been 1 week since she started sleeping in her own place, but she'll still go to the house and sleep there (during the day - she still works nights), it's when my duaghter gets bored to death at her place that my W decides to "babysit" her at the house. For now, I am not complaining about it but thinking about my daughter. I don't like her at the other place, and I'd rather that my W not move out at all....but it was her choice, so she's on her own, more or less. It's obvious that she still relies on me and depends on me for comfort. She's now struggling financially, - again - her choice.
I started picking up my daughter last week from her place - it sucks! (I complimented W on a good job of fixing her place up - inside I am puking and disgusted with it....)
Oh, I'm sure it is.....
At this rate, I foresee that my W will not be able to support herself for a while - like she wanted. And what if she finds herself 100% on her own if we D??? She'll bottom out eventually.
Man, she is acting nice again, getting me to shift on my good side. I wonder if she's sincere or if she needs me to lean on financially? She's not asking for money, but the house is still there within her reach because of the kids. Time will tell.
I am not looking forward to the long ride.....
She's more of a WAW than MLC.....I think it was a short deep depression phase she went through. Her A was short-lived too, only about 3 months. But there are still issues needing resolving. I have some, but she has more deeper issues to work out.
Yeah, I knew I still did (love her) and wanted to save my M. Now she is saying that she will never go on another vacation (whether we have money to spend or not)....because I didn't go last time. I was late on the mortgage and other bills, and she ranted about going even though the bills were behind.
She is stuck in her own little world for sure.
I got past the A when I realized it was just a symptom of a bigger problem......and that problem is her and her issues. When she told me that she is going on her own individual trips with my daughter and not including me anymore......I guess that's another sign that my M is dead.
She left because I called her some derogatory names. And that she needed "space" so we can stop fighting. Well, it seems that we are still fighting but not realizing it.
She just told me that I killed her dream of going to Florida when we couldn't afford to go. And that she has no plans of going anywhere with me in the future as a family, just thinks about taking my daughter with her on her "planned trips"....But I know she bought that damn trailer for a reason that I can't pinpoint.
Only thing I can think of is to get her SIL over here, and get her married to OM like she planned and they can all live there - at least her and SIL. I talked to an immigration atty about her sham marriage plans - but using OM as the guy to marry her sister???? That set me over the edge.....
I am seeing her true colors....
My W just pissed me off to no end.....
I told her to get the f*k out of the house if she's there....She has her own f*ing place now.
How DARE she tell me that I killed her dream vacation??? After what she did???? I am in a rage right now......Who the hell does she think she is?? I'm giving her some freakin space and yet she tells me that she will never go out as a family??? WTF???????
I'm a wreck right now.....went to being fine to this in a matter of minutes thanks to her mouth.
Sol,
Can I just start by saying...yes A's suck!
She just told me that I killed her dream of going to Florida when we couldn't afford to go. And that she has no plans of going anywhere with me in the future as a family, just thinks about taking my daughter with her on her "planned trips
All I can to say to that is she is trying to justify her own decisions. does it make sense to you, or most people...nope, does it make sense to her...yes.
Who is not guilty of that? I know I was!
This will be a long ride, stand strong, we are all here for ya
Sol...
Woah, breathe buddy...
Step back a sec...remember your wife is a WAS...she will use everything to justify her decision and make you look like the bad guy.
YOU ARE NOT.
You just reacted to her, she knows that will get you angry...you gotta stop reacting to her when she pushes you.
She says that again...respond calmly with, I am sorry you feel that way, but that was not my intention to upset you, but in reality, we could not afford to go to Flordia right now.
Respond like that, she won't know what to say, there is no argument. She tries to push you, end the call politely.
Oh and trust me...I know how hard that is...
I wish I could have done that.....
I see that she is trying or attempting to repair the M or just take "time out" from it. Guess I need to accept the fact that it is either over or its going to be over.
I was giving her space, and being polite in kind. And she snaps at me out of the blue with this.......
I will try to be nice to her from now on....but I don't want to be M like this.....it's not right.
Even apart, she continues to be abusive to me. I'll try to be more civil, but I feel the need to go and file and get her out of my mind.
I wish I could have done that.....
It will get better, one day you will be able to. Don't expect too much from yourself right now...baby steps.
I will try to be nice to her from now on....but I don't want to be M like this.....it's not right
No it isn't.
Even apart, she continues to be abusive to me. I'll try to be more civil, but I feel the need to go and file and get her out of my mind
Of course you do, you are upset. Do you really think filing right now will get her out of your mind? The answer...
Nope it won't.
Come post your venting here...it helps...alot
I'm still P.Oed that she even made a comment like that. What a way to throw me off and I let my guard down for a while. Serves me right, huh?
I know Ben is out there saying "I told you so...now man up and get your sh*t together Sol!"
He's right, I need to pull myself together. I don't know what to do now.....
WTH is going on in her mind??? She goes to the house whenever she wants to, uses my daughter as an excuse, yet my daughter gets easily bored at HER place. And I simply told her that I have some vacation days I need to use or lose, plus I have 2 weeks coming to me at my one year anniversary from working here. I told her I simply got 2 weeks now and that I've been here a year...
One would think that she would be happy that I have made it this far, and I have some good vacation days coming.....but instead she brings up her "failed trip" to Florida and goes off on ME! Blames ME for not WANTING to go....I guess she wanted to use some freakin MONOPOLY GAME MONEY to spend????
WTH is her trip? I'm still P.O. over this.
Is it time to change the locks on the house and ENFORCE some boundaries? I'd rather change the dam locks than file ......but I am itching to get her out of my life, at least on paper. She acts like a b**ch, and has been one for as long as I can remember, at least to me!!!!
It's funny.....
I don't know why I got so upset about her not wanting me involved in family outings or vacations anyway. They suck when I'm with her. She does most of the complaining and she gets this P.O.ed look on her face. All of my outings with her have never been pleasant. I don't have fun with her at all. It's like she's hard to get along with and she does nothing to make me interested in her.
I don't want to spend any more time with her at all.
And I don't want to be married to her anymore.
Welcom to the rollercoaster Sol...
One minute you want to save the marriage...next you are done...
Only comment I can make to this is don't make any snap decisions when you are upset.
Best advice I have heard on this site, let yourself cool off, give it 24 hours before you decide anything. Emotional decisions tend to turn out badly.
So what does Sol like to do for himself? Go to the gym, hang out with some friends, get a massage? Rent a movie?
Do something for yourself tonight man, you need some "me" time
Well, I just went off on my wife. She claims I punctured her tire but it was like that when I got home.
She wants me to snap....well I am snapping now. She told me that I shouldn't be saying mean things to her, and I replied that she shouldn't be having affairs because I don't. She is sobbing now that I said some things to her. I'm sorry but I am human and way too damaged by her to let her ride me like she has been doing.
I know I am upset by all this, especially her misleading to thinking that we can go on a trip as a family when in fact she told me earlier that she doesn't want me to go with her on any more family trips - EVER.
That about set me off. And I am sure that I don't want to be M to a lying, abusive, and depressed woman after all she has done.
Sometimes you do have to let her know what she has done, and why it is not acceptable to you. I did that with my W a few times. She asked, I answered the question, she didn't like the answer.
It's hard to be civil with her when she is still deceiving me and manipulating the truth. She loves to point the finger at me now. Every little bad comment I make she likes to twist it and put a guilt trip on me. I'm sick of it. She's still whining like a little baby at the "breakup" of our M. She is not seeing her part in it at ALL. I have to remind her what she did while admitting to my faults in it.
I'm tired of taking the blame while she just points at me. What a wonderful grown-up individual she turned out to be. I'm trying hard not to let her get to me anymore....my mistake was opening myself up to her as I thought she was warming up to me again. I freakin gave her a nice foot massage on Sunday, and yesterday she tells me she NEVER wants me on any vacation trips with her at all????? WTF? Either she was setting me up to snap at her or I just gave her too many opportunities and she crossed boundaries - but she made me think like she wanted us to become close again. I'm an idiot!
I slept a little bit, but this morning I am still P.O.ed at her. I guess my anger goes past my being emotional. I feel disgusted being M to her now. I'm thinking more logically, and I DON'T want to be around her at all on ANY trips anyway. I don't give a rat's a$$ if she said she wants us to go to a theme park together. That's a recipe for disaster!!!!
It's all going to be business from here on out. I'm not allowing her to hurt me anymore because I am shutting her out.
Don't know if this helps, but a friend brought up an interesting point....where my W is at. And I realized this:
Her heart is that she knows she did wrong, won't admit to it, yet she blames me for not making her feel happy all these years. She is judgmental with me, but I know she is hurting just as well. That is where she is at.
Her heart is that she knows she did wrong, won't admit to it, yet she blames me for not making her feel happy all these years. She is judgmental with me, but I know she is hurting just as well. That is where she is at.
Yes, and it's when you 'remind' her of the truth, but not by attacking her, that she has to slowly take responsibility. That's the key to her growth and recovery - her taking responsibility for HER feelings and HER actions.
You can't MAKE her do it, but you can sure HELP her see it.
I don't want to attack. But I react to her snobby comments and indifference to me. I tend to snap...I guess I need to show her or tell her what good marriages are like. We both need to learn that.
I am still shaky from yesterday and last night. I changed her front tire, and she stopped accusing me of puncturing it. Why would I go through the trouble of damaging it and then go out of my way to fix it for her???? She is way too jumpy - but she's the one that left the house, and now she spends more time at the house than her place.....just to see who comes over maybe?
First of all I have been watching but did not want to say anything until I cleared up some of my own issues first. So Here it goes....
I told you so....Now man up brother.....
I react to her snobby comments and indifference to me.
WHY REACT? That is exactly what she wants you to do brother. It is her reminder as to why she does not want to be with you. Once you realize that it is easier to control. Take back the control brother.
I guess I need to show her or tell her what good marriages are like.
You do not and you can not show her. All you can do is treat her with respect and love. Other than that she is going to see what she wants to when she wants too. There is not a damn thing you can do about it.
However by reacting everytime she does something that YOU think is not right you are prolonging your anger and pain in the sitch.
Let go and quit walking on egg shells. Evertime something does not go your way you want a D. Everytime something is good you do not know what you want. Guess what. It is not on your time. She needs to fix herself on her time. Not to mention I can still see a lot in you that you need to fix as well. Starting with your reactions towards her.
Hope that helps a little.
Till Later,
Big Sexy
but she's the one that left the house, and now she spends more time at the house than her place.....just to see who comes over maybe?
Who honestly cares. If you do change the locks and set your boundries. If you do not care then LET THE F^CK GO OF IT.....
Sorry to be harsh but you are dwelling on something that
YOU created and that
YOU can correct.
Vent and just let go of your anger and then correct YOUR problem. You are a smart man and YOU know what you need to do. You do not need us telling you any of this brother.
Thanks Big Sexy!!!
I knew you would pop in with an "I told you so".....
You are right. I need to stop reacting to her crap. She wants reminders of why she left, etc.....that in itself upsets me, but knowing that I hope I can overcome my jerky reactions to her.
I need to get back to that penguin logic....
I know you know all of this crap it is just harder to practice it.
But you know what they say....Practice makes perfect and it is more true than you can possibly believe in our sitchs. Wait till you actually stop reacting to her and watch what she does. I can gaurantee you will confuse the hell out of her and she will either stop or try to find some other way to push your buttons. No one knows you like your Wife don't forget that. She knows more buttons than you can possibly imagine.
Look at it like a test that you don't want to fail.
Try to face everything with a smile no matter how hard it is or how fake it is. Just realize that she is who she is right now and accept her for that. You do not have to like it but you might as well accept it for now because she is not going to change as fast as you want her too (If Ever).
Later,
Big Sexy
Why is your name "BIG SEXY"????
Just in a good mood today. After the past few days of being a pitiful a$$ I had to do something to cheer myself up. So I decided that I would just change my attitude and the name was something that you were the first to see. Have no idea why I even used it but it sounded fitting....LOL
I am still waiting to go and see our Columbian Princess by the way. I have decided that you have no chance because she will not be able to handle my charm.....
Shakira already has the hots for me!!!!!!
Dam that woman is sexxy.....
I'm gonna beat you to the Columbian Princess because she is going to make me give her a tattoo when I meet her. Or better yet, I will custom paint her guitar....sorry but you'll have to wait "Big Sexy"....
Well that would be of course after I explain to her how great of an artist you are and introduce you to her....
I guess you getting seonds would not be all that bad.
My W fixed my lunch for me today. And she thanked me again for fixing her flat tire and getting it patched and back on her car. That's just the kind of guy I am - I help people, even my confused wife. Besides, she needs a safe car to transport my little princess around. I fixed her tire because I wanted to, even though she "demanded" that I do. I felt good about it because it was my choice to do.
She's going on about how I "misunderstood her" when she told me I would never go on any future trips with her and my daughter. OK, fine, I know what I heard, but I am dropping it. I am not detached because I let that affect me. So I am "manning up" and getting my head out of my a$$....
And I will beat Ben to my Columbian Princess......I'll meet her first....hahaha!
"Mr. Suave"
Perfect. No reason to argue with the clinically insane.
Later,
Big Sexy
By the way did you thank her for making your lunch?
Yeah, I always say "thanks" or "you didn't have to but thank you".
Just being civil and polite.
Good.
Remember you have to be the sane one and show your daughter the proper way to treat others. The only way to do that is by example. Your W obviously has new clue on how to lead by example.
Thought I'd update my sitch.
I am home. W is at work. I am buzzed with the wine I had.
End of sitch.
Mr. Suave
Those are the updates I like to see brother...
Peaceful.
I am trying to kill this thread, and build a new and positive one.......I just don't like the title of this one anymore....