The following is a link to my previous thread!!!
my crazy mess #4So now it's time to do more work...as FG says!!
take care and thanks to all of the great people who helped me out thru the last thread!!! You are all AWESOME AWESOME people...I believe their are angels among us...and my angels are sending you guys my way! hugs and love to all of you
hugs
christa
hi Christa,
just stopping by to see how you are after your long week-end of working??
I took my foster dog into the vet today for 'neutering' (a requirement of our shelter) he was soooo happy to go for a car ride.. if he only knew what was coming!!
poor puppy!
How are things for you today?
Peace
Bridge
Hi Bridgestone~ thank you for checking in!! Work was....well very entertaining this weekend...I think Jerry Springer could have camped outside of my medical complex's doors and had fun recruiting! We had 3 patients who had wives and girlfriends on the side....oh the drama that goes with that...and one of the wives walked in while the OW was there...she went off. Then we had a family member who was drug seeking...and my list goes on!! It kept us on our toes
My sister is hosting a pool party this afternoon. she is on vacation this week. So I'm trying to get a few things done, then planning to head over there for a bit. It's cloudy here...so don't know how long the festivities will last!
My kids love to go for "rides"...so I can only imagine how your new little friend felt...now the question becomes...how will the pup feel after!!!
Thanks for checking in!!
Hope things in your neck of the woods are going well. Once my "craziness" settles I need to do some checking in on people...this past couple of weeks have just been a tad on the "hairy" side!!! LOL
hugs
Christa
Sandi~
I'm copying and pasting from last thread to this one....I hope I get everything!!! hehehe!! So If I leave something out, I'm sorry...
"When I went back and re-read her thread again, I wondered if it would give her more head-way to allow her H to do whatever he desires to do about the pool and the farm. That would be a "big" thing for her, but she said she didn't want to be "right" as much as being "happy" "
After H and I had the heated debate over "poolgate," I let my thoughts settle for a few days, and sent him a text that stated: "I am ok with whatever you want to do with the pool, I can send a pool company out to assess the situtation or I will send a bulldozer...let me know." He did not respond to the text msg. I have not heard a peep out of him sense the "poolgate" incident. I have sent him a few random texts...just have a great day, good morning stuff like that....and no responses. I have not sent one for about 5 or so days....and still nothing. Don't know what he is up to!
"then do you think he "feeds" off that?" (in regards to my fear)
It's hard to tell what all he feeds off of! He blames and rationalizes every behavior that he can. Everything under the sun is always someone else's fault. No matter what has happened in his life, he always finds away to fault another person. I know I made many mistakes in my R/M with him; but when we talked, he made me feel as if everything was all my fault. He played it out as if he were the victim, I did XYZ, I never did this, I never did that. The old counselor who I saw, said his emotional maturity age was that of a 15 year old(the age when he started drinking/using drugs)so he reverts back to that age when he is under emotional stress....hence all of the "highschool" drama. So him playing off of my fear...what hasn't he played off of? God, I am so sorry...today, I am anti-man!! I'm just a little flustered...If you read the previous post, it was jerry springer at work...what some of my patients did to their spouses this weekend...makes me want to stay single....so sorry for the rampage their!
"It was his big excuse too.....afraid of getting hurt"
I hope and pray it is not just a big bag of BS as well. I pray he is not just stringing me along to watch me suffer/ jump thru hoops as some type of payback....please tell me this poor Amy C. did not have a crazy mess like me; and have a crazy H, who made her jump thru hoops only to wind up in a D...well maybe it's best I don't know? I can't help but wonder if he is just enjoying this whole bachelor thing. He said at one point it was nice having no one to answer to. I thought to myself, how many times did I tell you what you could and couldn't do? But that was well over a year ago.
Ok, Well now I'm feeling like all I'm doing is bashing on my H. So I know, my mood today is in the toilet...I'm going to go shopping, that will make me feel so much better. When I come back, I will try this again!!! hehehe.
Sandi, let me know if you have more questions...Thanks for all your great input
hugs
Christa
Gosh, you crack me up, girl! I bet you have a very interesting job!! Maybe you should start a book.....of course you would have to file it under "fiction"....right? lol
Well, FG and I have talked a little. He thinks he can help us from the H's side of things. If so, then our side should be a cinch! (lol) Honestly, to tell you the truth......I'm still thinking. I want to hear from FG on this some more. We need to know why your H is acting like he is. If we can know where he is coming from.....then we will know how you need to handle things.
I still believe your emotional fears are somehow related to all of your loss. Please don't throw anything at me for saying that. You know....let me play therapist some more.
Seriously, it really, really got to me what you said about your H being the only one that knew your parents and they knew him and about your future kids, etc. It is like you are hanging on to H b/c he is your last thread of life that ties to your parents. If you loose him.....then you've lost any hope of continuing your parent's legacy by having children with this man that knew them. Am I completely nuts or does this make sense to you?
I don't have to tell you that you have to want him back b/c of who he is and not b/c he knew your parents and visa-versa. I think I would insult your intelligence greatly by doing that, so I won't. So, I will go around another way and ask you point blank.....if he had never met your parents, how would you act around him? Would you feel this desparation to keep hold of him--instead of letting him go?
If not for the connection with your parenst, would you want him back again--or would you tell him where he could go, and never look back? Is he your tie with the past, sweetie? Is it b/c of the link with your parents that you want to have this man's kids?
You said yourself that before you lost your dad that you never took any BS off of anyone. So, why are you taking it off of H? Are you afraid to allow him to make the decisions about the pool.....and everything else b/c you don't really trust his ability to make the wisest decisions? Your therapist said he had the maturity of a 15 year old, going back to the past again and what took place then. That would scare the heck out of me! I would be afraid to depend on the wisdom.....or lack of it....of the maturity of a 15 year old man. I would probably try to take over and tell him that I could have a bulldozer to come out or whatever........and try to make it sound like he was making the decisions. But, he may be smarter than that......you think? Maybe he doesn't like you calling the shots. Heck, I don't know.......I'm just playing a guessing game.
BTW, what happen to the PIA? Is she still around or is he just moving all over the place with whoever?
Christa, can you see yourself with any other man? Making love to any other man beside him? Do you ever fantasize about another person? You don't have to answer all these crazy questions......I am just on a journey trying to get you to think. I'm hoping that together we can figure this "crazy mess" out.
We need FG to come here to help us. (Oh Lord, I never thought I would say those words! hahahaha) If he will get inside your H's head and tell us something.....then we can move on. He thinks he can...lol. We will see.
Last words....thinking out loud to myself......Christa has suffered a lot of loss and pain. Husband is last chance of having children with a man that has a link to parents' past. He goes off in angry behavior and Christa is afraid. She takes his BS that he gives her b/c she is desparate to hold on to him.....he is the last tie. If she looses him.....she looses part of her past and her parents again. Her children will not know her parents through her H's eyes--if it is not him. It has to be him. She has to hang on to him and not lose him! She left him before thinking this through and now she is really afraid that she screwed up and it's too late. Everything she says makes him mad and she doesn't know why. Why is he so mad at her when he was the one that played with old girlfriend? Didn't Christa have a right to leave him? Yes! But.....then she starts thinking about his link to her past. They have a history together. He had a history with her family and that is very important to her future.
Hummmm........am I anywhere close here?
Well, so much for tonight. I'll let you ponder on these things. When is your next appointment with your therapist or psychiatrist?
Are you feeling better health wise today/tonight? You know, I don't think I have ever asked anyone as many questions as I have you! I would ask you what you thought about that, but then it would be another question...lol.
I know this turns FG inside out....lol. But we can laugh. You have a wonderful sense of humor, sweetie, and I hope you will hold tight to that. It will get you through this "crazy mess". That and God! Don't give up.
Oh, about AmyC......she is a tough nut to crack! She was one of the two main people that really saved my M! I had a lot of others to join in, but that gal really came across to help me. Opened my eyes and got my head on straight. You would like her a lot. She was about ready to give up......but I think she is ready to stand......again.
We'll talk later.
Love,
Sandi
"Hummmm........am I anywhere close here?"
I am pretty sure you are spot on.
OK Christa.. What do we do now?
Sandi and FG~ oh my you two have me spinning!!! Just kidding!!!
I had a bad headache last night so went to bed early! slept for 9 hours yippppppppeeeeeeeeeeee!!! that's really good for me!!
ok, so i am pondering everything that has been said and will be back tonight to answer....I am off to the springer set....aka work!!! hehehehe!!!
one thing...yes, even if H didn't have a clue to my parents, or if they were still alive, I think/know/feel, I would still be trying to save/rebuild my M....and the thought of ML with other men, just is kind of icky....I'm a nurse, seen one too many icky things, male and female.....hehehehe!!!
here is one thing i feel, I would at least like to be afforded the chance by the H for him to see the changes/180's I have made over the past year and a half...if things work between he and I, that would be so super fantastic, if not I know then, in my heart, I will be able to say....I exhausted every option. As of right now, I feel as if we haven't even tried....we just kind of let our problems get the best of us. I know I have talked a bunch of "smack" about him, but deep on the inside outside of all of the crap, the H has a good heart...and did provide a good home and other things for me....
that being said...I'm off to the springer show!!!
love to you both...and everyone else who has been helping me thru this journey
hugs
christa
Well, have fun. I don't think my job will be quite that exciting for me today...lol.
Thanks for taking time to answer as much as you did, b/c that help. Okay, FG, time for you to step in and tell us why H is so angry. Tell us from a man's POV what he is thinking and feeling thoughtout all of this, even though he was the one that started to.....shall we say "sway" from the MR?
Sandi & FG~ I have not forgotten you two....Long, crazy day at work....thought I was going to throw some of the cast of characters off the "springer set" today....where was "steve" when I needed him!! DAMIT!!!
I worked over an hour extra just trying to catch up paper work and other crap that had fallen behind....yuck!! 12 hours more tomorrow then off til monday!!
I have lots of fun GAL stuff planned for the days off...i'm excited.
let's get a plan in motion....I think the med adjustments are kicking in...I'm starting to feel good again! Sleep is getting back to normal....I am not constantly "obsessing" over the sitch....I am feeling better.
The PIA floats in and out of the picture...I think she represents more of a statement to me than anything....I could be way off on that one...just stabbing in the dark there. Currently she is in the picture...along with several others, this I know.
See the psych. dr again first of sept. and have to call to make appt with therapist...she tried calling me friday, but they just posted my schedule for when she had her first available today....see my family md on thurs...she keeps close tabs on me...love her dearly...she is also religious/spiritual and has helped me immensly thru all of this. The catholic (was married in the church) in me has wants so badly to honor my vows; she reminds how forgiving and gracious our God is...and the catholic church for a nominal fee of oh shall we say two grand can make those vows go bye-bye!! My MD, is catholic as well, but her and I have the same view points on the religion as a whole...so it's realllllly cool to talk with her about it.
I think my confidence is built back after the last sting...so i'm good to proceed whenever FG has a plan to put into play. Like I said...I just want the chance to at least work on this....if after the efforts are exhausted, H and I both look at each other and say....hey maybe we separated for a reason...then I will cross the bridge at that time...but something inside of me, is saying don't give up. I told H during last phone call over "poolgate" if he wanted a D that bad...call his lawyer...still haven't heard from mine...so I'm guessing, he doesn't want one as bad as he says....so how to proceed....
i need to go to nite-nite!!
hugs
christa
You proceed by not pushing for the D. Don't tell lawyer to go any further with the paper work, etc. I would not even bring the word "divorce" up in the conversation to your H. The more it is said, the more he is going to think about it. That word gets thrown in too many times and somebody's temper will go too far and agree to a D.....then it will be bad.
Hope you have a good day. I know Forrest is working on something. He is not like me.....he is a "thinker". Oh, I think, but I don't take my time like he does.
Having a therapast and a phych......do they stay on the same wave link as to where they are going with you in this stitch? Or, are you seeing the phych for a different reason? Sorry, I know you told me.....just in a hurry before work and didn't have time to look back. I know you said she worked with the medication end of it (at least I think you did).
Anyway, go to run. Will talk later. I was too pooped to pucker last night, so I crashed early.
Take care
Sandi
FG~ come out come out where ever you are!!!
haven't seen you in a while!!
christa
Hmmm...the mess is still crazy, eh?
Let me know when you have my scripts, I'll have them overnighted.
I don't have much advice to give...only encouragement.
But maybe this might help: sit down
(Sh*t, I'M tired from reading your thread)
we'll find our way
B
B~ I'll hopefully have yours and mine one day soon!! LOL!! Thought you would get a kick out of it!!
I know we will find our way....i see the light at the end of the tunnel....it's just the tunnel is so freaking long it's from here to china or something!! so the light...it's just well....itty bitty!!!hehehehe!!
I'm GAL'ing this weekend!!
out with friends dinner and bowling tonight...haven't went bowling in years!! should be fun...trying something new
tomorrow...spa day!! yeah, pamper me!!
saturday...going to the lake!!
sunday...just a me day!!
monday...back to the springer set!!....
take care my friend...you are doing good...i'm peaking at you...from afar...one minute, one hour, one day at a time!
hugs 2 you
c
Hi Christa,
sounds like you have a fun & full few days off. Good for you!!
Enjoy them.
Peace
Bridge
Good morning sandi~ I think things are settling down! Sleep is getting much better and with less meds no less....even better! I'm going today to see my family MD...i love her!
I have a busy weekend ahead with lots of fun stuff, GAL stuff!! I'm excited!!
After the week at work that I have had...i'm ready for some R N R!!!
My therapist and psychiatrist are in the same office and will work together, sharing notes etc. I just have to get into see the therapist first....we keep missing eachother...working 7am-7pm, it's hard to get anything accomplished...dang dr's offices and other offices for that matter....only staying open til 4:30-5:00!!!! just kidding!!! So today, I have a list a mile long of stuff to do....and first meeting starts at 9...so i'm off to the races!!
hugs my friend,
christa
bridgstone....thank you for checking in on me....you are so sweet!!
i plan to have a great weekend!! much needed no less!!
hugs
christa
Well...
It really seems to me that H is obviously still angry about the WA.. I don't think he is as angry as he lets on. I don't know that he really wants a break from it.. my general impression is he pushes to see where you go.. do you keep fighting him.. or do you clam up. From my perspective.. if I was in his shoes.. I would basically be keeping you at "arm's distance". There could be lots of reasons for doing it.. but usually there is some reason for a man to do it. It could be money, or penance, or NFC what to do, a booty call.. you get the idea.. there is a reason he is "holding" you there. He is getting something from keeping/holding you here. It could be he just has not made up his mind.
My thoughts are based off of what you have told us. At the start (of the R) you said you were the chaser. Obviously.. that worked. From your interactions with me and other here.. we can see your personality. We can also see a lack of it in your interaction with H. That personality you had.. needs to be real apparent in any interaction with your H.. cause it has worked. I think this is a big thing for you.. that personality.. has got to be bulletproof.
So.. if we take the mind of a beginner.. and act as if.. what do we come up with?
Chasing and Personality <----
Now.. Poolgate.. I think we just need to drop. At this point.. I think it would be best to not say anything else about it until he brings it up. If it does come up.. you need to restate your thought about what to do.. and ask him if he did not get the text message you sent him.
or
You pick up the phone and call him about the pool.. address the situation head on.
The other things I will need is for you to give me an idea of the things he likes.. what did you guys do together.. where did you and him have the most fun.
I remember when I was younger.. and my first "love". We fought all the time. The only time we were not fighting was when we were.. you know. She would always break up with me.. it always pissed me off. There would be a day or so of me going.. please don't do this!! Then I would just stop communicating.. a month or so would go by and she would call.. usually I would ignore the first 2-3. Send them right to VM.. so she knew I knew she called. Then when she called back again.. I would answer the phone all mean like.. Sometimes.. she would hang up on me.. other times.. she would start to talk. We always got back together.. when she started to talk. She had to make the choice.. if she wanted to come back.. she did not have to work "hard" at it.. she just had to work some.
Life is like that.. the situation changes.. we grow.. but we still react the way we used to. In my mind.. this is where you are with him.
So.. in DB fashion.. we make a change.. and monitor the results.
We got a reaction.. from the texting.. but I think we fell back because you got scared. He is gonna answer the phone mean! Trust me on that.
It did not change anything though.. you are exactly where you were before.. right?
I still stay start with the texting.. but I want them to be a bit more "personal".. I was thinking about you.. I miss talking to you... what are you up to... again the idea is to generate a response. We want him to respond in one way or the other. I have to suspect the response is going to be mean.. that is what you need to be prepared for. You can't let it show that it affects you. You need to respond quickly to the attack that may come. Something "tongue in cheek" like .. Wow angry guy.. you gonna be alright.. just wanted to talk to you.
I don't think that I could wait as long as you have.. I would be going stir crazy by now. So alot of this has my response to the situation in it. Thats where the others come in.. esp Sandi2. Call it check and balance. I'm the check.. shes the balance.
Maybe my idea needs some honing.. or some different words.. the idea is to generate some response with a little bit of chasing.. so you can show some personality.
I still think if he wanted a D as bad as he says he does.. he would have done it.
I still think his anger is centered on your prior actions.. that means he is still thinking about you. That's good and bad.
I still think it is time to stir things up.. I get the feeling you do to.. I just want you to be sure.
---------------------------------------------------------
I went back and read most of what has happened here.. and I ran across this.
"The old counselor who I saw, said his emotional maturity age was that of a 15 year old(the age when he started drinking/using drugs)so he reverts back to that age when he is under emotional stress....hence all of the "highschool" drama."
I had to laugh about that.. cause I felt the same thing when I wrote about my "first love".. that was during my highschool days. Like I said.. we learn from Life.. what we learn.. we use to the best of our ability. This feels like a high school drama.
I am still not 100% sure.. why all the fear about the D. You two are living separate lives.. have separate homes.. don't talk.. he dates other people.. he is not taking care of the pool.. what would you loose in the D? I know its not a simple answer..
Sometimes... you have to face the thing that fears you the most. A lot of times its not really a fear at all.. it was just the one thing holding you back.
you have to face the thing that fears you the most.
"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."
-Pema Chodron
FG~
"The other things I will need is for you to give me an idea of the things he likes.. what did you guys do together.. where did you and him have the most fun."
Anything outdoors...4wheeler riding, snowmobilling(i guess we can't do that in 90 degree weather though... :D), mudding in his truck, going to local comedy club, hanging out with friends, cooking out, boating, camping, canoeing....we were very outdoorsy kinda people!! like MWD says...when we stopped doing things....it all went to hell...I can look back and see that....school, work...we stopped "dating", having a night out...work/school...his work...there was no "us" time...
"Now.. Poolgate.. I think we just need to drop. At this point.. I think it would be best to not say anything else about it until he brings it up. If it does come up.. you need to restate your thought about what to do.. and ask him if he did not get the text message you sent him."
I am so over "poolgate"....let's drop it, unless he brings it up!
"I have to suspect the response is going to be mean.. that is what you need to be prepared for. You can't let it show that it affects you. You need to respond quickly to the attack that may come. Something "tongue in cheek" like .. Wow angry guy.. you gonna be alright.. just wanted to talk to you."
OKeedoekee....I will be 10 feet tall and bulletproof....goal is longterm....not "in the moment!"
"I still think it is time to stir things up.. I get the feeling you do to.. I just want you to be sure."
I'm sure....time to get the party started....it's been a year and a half...it's time to "do work" son!!!
"you have to face the thing that fears you the most"
The only thing to fear...is fear itself...time to look it head on...and go for it!
It's time to change it up a bit...watch/wait/monitor!!!
why is it days off fly by!!
today is lake day with family and friends...can't wait!! spa day was awesome!!
hope your day off is great!
hugs,
c
"I am still not 100% sure.. why all the fear about the D. You two are living separate lives.. have separate homes.. don't talk.. he dates other people.. he is not taking care of the pool.. what would you loose in the D? I know its not a simple answer.. "
I still want a answer to this question..
You need to be prepared.. really you do.. I am telling you.. Sandi2 and anyone else can help you with this.. you just have to keep them in the loop.
Talk it out!!!
FG~ I'm not nearly afraid now as I once was of a D...we live two separate lives. I know I can live without him...life is just better with him...I want to be able to say, I exhausted every option, I tried...as of now...I didn't try...I simply walked away. It seemed like anytime last summer things started to perk up...he would back away...i'm not saying that this is going to work, maybe it's not meant to for a reason....at the end, i just want to be able to say, I loved/love him, i know what i did when I walked was wrong, but i pulled out all the stops when I tried to save/rebuild/restore the R/M
hugs
c
Hi there, well, my old computer went crashing down on me and I have gone several days without it. Came into work early just so I could get on line to tell you that I have not forgotten about you....in fact, thought about you a lot over the past few days and wondering what Forrest was going to come up with to advise you. Anyway, sure hope I can get my computer out of the shop today and back home and I can get back to doing whatever it was were were doing....lol.
I agree that the "pool" subject should be dropped by you. You have thrown the ball back in his court when you said you would do whatever he wanted. So, just leave it alone until he decides what he wants to do about it.
Seeing the activities that he enjoys doing (as well as yourself) it would be very hard to find much time for that......since you work the hours you do. You would certainly have to set up your off days as a "date" to work those kinds of things into your schedule. Hopefully, the two of you will be in a R where you will be able to do that again.
I was watching a TV program this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and her a preacher talking to another preacher and his wife about MR. He said the biggest mistake women make in M is by expecting their H's to act like women would act in any given stiutation. Then he went on to talk some more about the differences between the two sexes. One think he said that we have hear a lot about on this board it how important it is that woman tell their men exactly what it is they want. In fact, they have to spell it out to them and to tell them more than once. Well, that surprised me, b/c I had read thirty-five years ago that if you told a man something more than "once"....then you were "nagging" him! So, what is a girl to do? He said a man doesn't actually let it soak in the first time he is told. I don't know about that. May be interesting to see how some of the other men feel about that. I know that my father told me something to do or not to do....one time and one time only. If I did not abide by those instruction, then I paid the consequences for it. So, when I had my children, I continued that type of child rearing. However, I never thought that I would need to tell a grown man do to something more than once. In fact, my H finds it an insult if I tell him more than once. He thinks I am putting him down and treating him like a dunce. So, I think that part may be debatable. Don't know how I got off into all of that except it was freh on my mind.
Regarding what Forrest had to say, I would listen to him about your H. B/c it is hard as hard for us to understand the thought process of a man as it is to understand the female. As he said, it will take more than one of us working together to figure this out.
Anyway, hopefully, I will get to talk to you tonight. Hope you have a good day.
Sandi
i'm just going to jump in here, and address the Ask A Man To Do Something topic only. If necessary, someone can correct me.
Asking a man to do something and being very specific about it is very important. Do it. Give us times, colors, size, etc etc. Work out a schedule, and offer to help.
But wording is key. Women seem to ask using different words than what we hear. My W says "Tell me how to do X". This is not asking us to do it, its asking for instructions, and you'll probably get instructions. Thats what i did/do - big mistake.
If you want your bathroom painted, say something like: "can you help me paint my bathroom this weekend? How long do you think it'll take? I'd like to paint it green, can we go out Friday and pick a color and buy the tools, I have an idea but i'm not sure of the brand. What do we need to prep? maybe we can do that some night before that. Then Saturday we'll start early and etc etc"
This way you hit all the important keys - you need his advice, you need his expertise, his scheduling prowess, you need his shopping skills, and you'll work together on this so you'll be spending time together. Afterwards, reward him for his work, take him out for drinks, etc.
Then if you need to remind him/ask him again, do it in a way that is more like following up on the subject. "Have you thought about what we need to do for painting? can I pick something up? can we make a list of what we need to buy/do?"
This way you're not asking again, you're continuing on the first request.
Just my thoughts, best of luck. maybe this should be posted in the Men 101 thread?
Hey Ken, just to add to what you said, the program I watched this morning also said that women needed to "reward" their H's for good behavior.......in so many words. I also read in another book about how women reward men for their bad behavior and do not even realize it. Neither one referred to sex as a reward....which I do not think people should do....but that is just me. I think enjoying each other and sharing in the rewarding time, if you will, could certainly lead to sex, but I don't believe in rewarding nor punishing with the use or lack of sex. Anyway, enough of that.....what I really wanted you or some other men to talk a little more about, if Christan doesn't mind, is how do W's talk to their H's and tell them exactly what they want them to do without sounding like they are mothering them? Where do you draw the line until it becomes nagging? As I said before, I had heard that to a man, if you tell him more than one time....he considers it "nagging". So, now men are saying that we have to be specific in what we say and to tell them more than once.....according to what the man on TV said this morning. Can you expound on that a little more?
Sandi
Ken~ Thanks for stopping by, manput/manswers...love it!! They are always welcome and appreciated
hugs to you!!
Sandi...glad your computer is back in working order!! Nice to "see" you back in my neck of the woods!!! LOL!!
Work was hectic today, I had a shared load with an LPN. We had 12 patients at the start of the day...we should have only had 7 or 8...it was chaos to say the least. we managed to make our way threw...and nothing too crazy happend, thank God, for small favors!!
My work schedule is more chaotic now, because I choose it to be so. I use work as a distraction from my "crazy mess." Plus going from a dual income, down to just me...I had to adjust my wicked ways!! And learn, Coach purses weren't a necessity!!! BIG BUMMER!!! Now I buy knock off Coach purses at purse sales...not nearly as fun!! But more in my budget!!! hehehe...don't even ask about my shoe budget...God, how I miss shoes!!! Dang mortgage payment....oh well, I still have nice things...just had to learn moderation...a word I was not at all used to!!! Anyway....so hopefully(being positive here) when things move in a better direction, I can lay off of the work thing a bit. Go down to 3 12's and maybe a 4 hour shift....H works 5 day's a week anyway...so he's pretty busy thru the week.
I would deffinetly like some "manput" on how to ask for things without sounding naggy or mother henny. These were things that were brought up last summer when he and I were getting along better. He said one mother was enough. He didn't need me nagging all the time. I think/feel the meds have cut my anxiety down a ton...which helps, most of it was anxiety driven....nagging about small things....that didn't really matter at the end of the day.
FG~
I'm ready to go on with the plan...just am nervous I may be another "girl"...starting with a beginners mind here. The PIA chases him; I know this (i won't tell you how...but i know..fact). I am ok with chasing...but don't want to just be "another chick"...I know it is my personality and me that has to offset this. I get that...just don't want him messing with my head anymore...so i'm trying to get prepared....FG... need manput here. I completely understand that no plan is ever going to 100% be guaranteed to work...i still may end up going thru a big D...and that's ok too...i just want the best odds a girl can ask for!!
"I still think his anger is centered on your prior actions.. that means he is still thinking about you. That's good and bad."
Will you elaborate on this one please!! I get he is angry because I WA, he is angry because I filed...do you think it still has something to do with when we were dating?? Anger is an emotion that someone has hurt you, hurt=feelings, feelings are generally good...what's the bad...or should i ask?
thanks friends
hugs to all
christa
I had a long day at work.. just got home.. I will try and post tomorrow morning deff. tomorrow evening.. I am back on my Tues. and Thurs being free.
I'm sorry you had a crazy day...must have been a "full moon"!!! Get some rest...chat later!!
Ok, here are my thoughts/opinions/conjecture on this "how to ask a man..." business.
I don't think it's a formula. I don't think there is a magic turn of a phrase that makes everything click in a man's mind. Of course, one can make some generalizations about how men act and think but I don't think that gets you very far.
To be honest, I think that this has nothing to do with a lack of communication; I think people communicate freakishly well no matter how accidental it is. Our perception tends to filter out that which makes us anxious; people avoid being aware of sending out negative message just as people avoid being aware of what those negative messages mean. The question then becomes do both parties really know what they are communicating. Is spouse A fully aware of what is being sent out and is B fully aware of what they are reacting to.
If you are asking many times for the same thing or 'nagging', why are you doing that (and "because I want xyz' is not an answer). If you are refusing to do something even though a person is reminding you or 'nagging', why are you refusing?
The way people interact can be very rigid and inflexiable and there is a reason why. The responsiblity lies on us as individuals to be more self-reflective and more self-aware; to see these patterns, in an effort to be a more flexible but a more solid person.
So, all that to say, until a man truely understands himself and why he acts in certains ways, nothing you do will be satisfying. You will either continue to act rigidly for reasons that are unknown to you and be bitter that you are not getting results. Or you will violate yourself and change all in an effort to make your man do what you want because you NEED this to be so for YOUR functioning. So first, I guess, figure out what it is that you want and why you want it and allow and hope that your man will be doing the same. And know that self-discovery is a tough journey. Once on this path you can communicate in a way that is truely you and not worry about whether or not something is 'getting across', or you have the choice to change and try to use different tactics of communicating, knowing this isn't really you or your style, but out of love and self-sacrifce you are willing to be flexible because you WANT to connect with your man.
One path leads to the freedom to connect with your man and the other leads to your enslavement to your man, his emotional state, and responses.
If you want to know the answer to 'what way is the best way to communicate with your man', he will have to tell you. If he can't and you need him to get a message that you are sending, ask what it is that you need and why you need him to provide it for you.
So...those are some thoughts...
Good morning Christarn. Don't have much to say (shock!) but still waiting to hear more from the men. But you were talking about hurt=feelings, which is generally good and you wanted to know what was the bad. My answer to that is "indifference". When they have no feelings one way or the other for you. Anger, hurt, etc. are a type of reaction to passion (I think), where indifference......you might as well hang it up b/c you've lost the battle.
I still wonder if he is reacting to the "fear" he sees in you reacting from his anger.....if he has never physically hurt you, then that would probably make him angry that you would be "afraid" of him when you never took anything off anyone else. Plus, his ego was very bruised when you WA, and I think it takes some men a very long time to get over being angry from that. I'm sure I've already said this, but I think some of his "acting out" has been a result of his bruised ego and anger. However, it does seem that after all this time, he would be cooling down a bit. Still playing therapist here.
So, glad that you meds are beginning to work for you. I for one, certainly can relate to how bad you can feel trying to hold it together (especially on a job) when you feel like your entire world is falling apart.
Anyway, hope today goes better. Don't take on more than you can handle as far as pulling extra shifts for the paycheck. You've got to have some time for you. You know what they say about all work and no play. Come to think of it, that has pretty much been my life for quite some time! Not good.
Take care,
Sandi
I'll try to answer this, good distraction, head is spinning today, had a real bad R morning.
as far as rewards, they dont have to be sex, they can be anything, sex is great though. going back to the bathroom analogy, when its done, stand back, lean against your H's chest so he can hug you and admire his work.
compliment his abilities, his craftmanship, his going out of his way for you. recognize he may have had other plans for his day, but gave that time to you.
one or more of these is good, you dont need to do all all the time. depends on the size of the task.
for small things, a sincere thanks and a peck on the cheek is great. a big hug from behind is nice.
during sex, look up and say, "by the way, this little extra is for helping me the other day."
Christa,
So much to catch up on. I read your last few posts, but I am not caught up on what is going on. How are you doing, girl? I hope you are doing well!
hugs
during sex, look up and say, "by the way, this little extra is for helping me the other day."
Ken, so what you are saying is that men don't care if sex is a "reward".....just as long as they get it, right? (lol) So does that fall in anywhere with make-up sex, pity sex, ahhhhh, what else?......."just do it and get it over with sex"? (lol) Don't get mad, I'm just teasing ya. I really think I know what you are telling us. As long as it is okay with our H's then we should not worry about him thinking of it as a reward or not.....right? It would just be another way of showing our appreciation. Like when my H vacuums the carpet. (lol)
I think I need to close with this one......I have made some terrible bummers tonight. Think this is one of my "off" nights.
You all have a good one.
Sandi
hey, I vacuum and i dont get rewarded with sex, your H is lucky!
and I do the laundry too.
I dont understand why sex should not be a reward.
Showing you love someone because they make you feel good is not bad.
Making someone feel good because they're showing you love is not bad.
You dont have to spell it out in lipstick on your backside, "THIS IS FOR CLEANING THE GUTTERS", but he will eventually notice a correlation between sex and doing things for you. and yes, like a dog, he'll start doing more to get more. its really just a variation of cheeseless tunnels, but different tunnels.
Ok, people back to subject!! ME!!! Please!!!
Off the sex topic!!! It's a sensitive area!!!
Where and how to proceed with the H...lets work on this!!
hugs
christa
Oh come on Christa, Ken is cracking me up!!
Lipstick on the backside.....hummmmm
Okay, what were you saying Christa?
sandi, i love to talk sex!!! that johhansen lady on talk sex is my favorite....but i'm sure if i started talking....i would get kicked off the boards for sure!!!
so anyway...back to subject at hand!! me, getting my R with the H back in some type of an order....where to start...oh forrest....where's that plan of yours!!!
the best lipstick i've seen ....well, let's say it needed a single AAA battery!!! and well...use your imagination!!!!
hehehehehe
christa
Sorry Christa,
what was the question again?
you people are mean!
LOL
hehehhehehehe
i know now what is inside all of your heads....and it is true the one thing men think about all the time!!!
they need a sex venting thread!!! ken you could go there and talk about lipstick!!
hehehehehehe!!! just kidding....i could go there and talk about batteries!!!
OMG....it's 4 am, i can't sleep!!! what's a girl to do!!!
let's get back to topic....ya know...christa, working on a R with her DAM!!! and he's not to the point where we can even give him a little sumpin sumpin for a reward...when that happens...ken baby...i'm coming to find you!!! we'll chat more about rewards then!!! LOL
hugs
christa
Christa,
whatever you need, just ask. i'm more than happy to try to help and give my perspective.
and your machine would sell millions, would have to take credit cards.
Hey, I'm still here.....you two cut it out!
Well, what's going on these days, sweetie? Haven't heard a word out of Forrest. I went on his thread to try to figure out the puzzle, but I still don't know. Maybe he is in deep thought. He has a lot of people asking for help and like I told you before, he really thinks things our before he gives advice. I just start typing...lol.
So, how are you doing....and what have you been up to? I kind of got behind on things when I was having so much computer problems.
If it is just me and Ken......you can give us all the dirty little details of your exciting life and we won't tell a soul.
Sandi
Sorry Sandi2..
I think I took on the job of catching you up.
This is on my list.
Just keep a eye out.. we are still around.
Sandi~ Work...that's been it this past week...worked 3 12's and an 8...which is enough to drive the most insane over the edge!!! Friday...I ran errands all day...one of which included....orientation to Grad School...YEAH!!! They called me weds. and asked if I wanted to take classes as a "student at large"...aka on probation...I was like...hell yeah!I feel as if that opportunity fell in my lap for a reason...and I'm sooooo excited about it! I have said since day one of nursing school that I wanted to teach nursing....need an MSN(masters in NSG) to do that...so here we go!!!
So between work and jumping thru some hoops....it's been a chaotic but exciting week!!!
I hope you and Ken know I'm just teasing!!
My dearest friends...who have adopted me and my sister...daughter turned 21 yesterday...we(me and my sister) we refer to her as our little sister...it was soooo much fun.
hope all is well with everybody!
hugs
Christa
Yeah, I knew you were just playing. I tend to get myself into trouble by teasing and joking around...lol. Anyway, congrats on the opportunity! When you get to do this teaching nurses, will you be traveling around the country? The reason I ask is b/c I know a lady that does that.
Well, nothing much has been eventful in my life either, just as you say, work and that's about it. I think sometimes I spend too much time trying to post to so many people. I get side-tracked and fail to keep up with some that I started out with, and that makes me feel like I left them.....but think I may be spreading myself a little thin. However, that is what I want to do, so until I have something else, I will continue to try to hang around.
Have you had anymore contact with your H?
Talk later,
Sandi
Hey christa -- just peeking in to say hi! Haven't been around for quite awhile, and don't really plan to be. Just thought I'd see who was still around and touch base.
How goes the epic battle?
Hasta la pasta,
GD -- aka Nick
Hi Nick...GREAT to hear from you
Thank you for stopping by...oh the saga continues!!!
hope all is well in ID!!
hugs 2 you my man,
Christa
"Ok, here are my thoughts/opinions/conjecture on this "how to ask a man..." business. I don't think it's a formula."
I do. I think everything has a formula to it.
"To be honest, I think that this has nothing to do with a lack of communication; I think people communicate freakishly well no matter how accidental it is."
Communication has everything to do with it. See.. we don't understand.. when we are communicating "freakishly".
"Our perception tends to filter out that which makes us anxious;"
And it makes it more apparent.
"people avoid being aware of sending out negative message just as people avoid being aware of what those negative messages mean."
And it makes it more apparent.
This is what Christa will do.. when her husband calls.. or shows up.
"The responsibility lies on us as individuals to be more self-reflective and more self-aware; to see these patterns"
I agree.
"So, all that to say, until a man truly understands himself and why he acts in certain ways, nothing you do will be satisfying."
Especially if you think.. he is already not satisfied.
"You will either continue to act rigidly for reasons that are unknown to you and be bitter that you are not getting results. Or you will violate yourself and change all in an effort to make your man do what you want because you NEED this to be so for YOUR functioning."
I agree! 110% Amen.
"but out of love and self-sacrifice you are willing to be flexible because you WANT to connect with your man."
He may not respond. Are you OK with that?
"One path leads to the freedom to connect with your man and the other leads to your enslavement to your man, his emotional state, and responses."
K. Even though.. it has some.. harsh words.. I agree.
"I still wonder if he is reacting to the "fear" he sees in you reacting from his anger."
"and I think it takes some men a very long time to get over being angry from that"
Sandi2.. please understand.. I love who you are. I appreciate.. who you are. What I am about to say.. is not meant to hurt you in any way.
I was over anything Sandi2 said to me... along time ago. I was waiting on her. I was over it the second I wrote out my response to her.. way back.
Please Sandi2.. do not take this the wrong way. I am glad you are here.. I need you here.. It is a example of how things can linger.. when two people.. just don't get each other.
"compliment his abilities, his craftsmanship, his going out of his way for you. recognize he may have had other plans for his day, but gave that time to you."
You could use this in your texting. You gotta read the fine print.
So.. Christa is telling me she wants to step it up some. The texting was a start for me.. just to get H to respond. Well we have two responses from the texting so far. The first led to "Pool Gate".. which we are dropping. The second response.. led to a "Whats Up".
I want to see her push the "envelope" a bit. I really want to see what he has to say.
Ideas to push the "envelope".. would be appreciated.
At the same time ideas for making Christa.. prepared for his "anger".. would be appreciated.
Cell pictures.. of her.. at "their" bar.. generated a response.
I have lots of ideas.. I just want to see.. if any of us agree.
Evening FG~ Nice to see you back around these parts!!! Work was a chaotic freaking mess...I was charge nurse today....and everyone's scape goat....I do not like being either of the above....i broke out in tears in my boss' office...it was not a good day
Plans to "step it up a notch"....oohlalala!! I'm ready for some ideas people!!! I sent about 8-10 texts on sat. night from "our bar" one that has been really special to "us"...2 had pictures attatched to the texts....he responded to that....any other GREAT ideas??? I did send him one last night about a program thru our conservation dept, to decrease his property tax...guess he doesn't need help with that...no response.
A little prep for the anger responses would be good as well. I'm working on becoming ten foot tall and bullet proof!!I have learned one thing, if i'm not prepared...don't answer phone or text!! Let it ride!!
Hugs to all
christa
Okay, Forrest, this is where we run into a problem like we've had in the past. Are you saying that you are quoting something I have said to Christa? B/c I went back to look those quotes up....b/c I knew it did not sound like me....and sure enough it was not me that said it. You need to make sure who you are refering to when you say these things. As in the past, you got me confused with other people and that was what would upset me. I don't mind you quoting me, but make sure it is my quote. Maybe I misunderstood what you were saying about me in your post to Christa, but I assumed you were refering to the "quotes" you replied to.......thinking it was me. Look back over her thread and you will see who it was......just like I did. I could tell you, but I don't think it is my place. I thought we were working together pretty good here and I was waiting on you to come back with your "male plan", but please, please make sure you know what Sandi has said and not confuse it with somebody else.
Thanks
Don't worry Christa.....this is just the way Forrest and I are.....we have a communication problem
i have a communication problem with my H...........no communication!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
hehehehehehehe
christa
"Don't worry Christa.....this is just the way Forrest and I are.....we have a communication problem"
Nah.. no communication problem.
"Okay, Forrest, this is where we run into a problem like we've had in the past. Are you saying that you are quoting something I have said to Christa? B/c I went back to look those quotes up....b/c I knew it did not sound like me....and sure enough it was not me that said it."
You have to look at my post as a complete thought.. with lots of peoples input. I went back and read all the stuff.. from the last time I posted. Remember.. you said I think alot.. and I do. My schedule requires me to digest a ton of info.. from a lot of posts.. and I have to break them down as quickly as I can. Or you can just call me lazy. Either way.. its the way I think.
So.. again.. glad you are here Sandi2.
Ok.. so the "" indicate a thought from someone else here.
After that you will find my thought.. with no "".
So on and so on.
Continuing... has the first 9 statements in ""
With my thoughts following.
10 and 11 are from you.
Taken from this paragraph....
I still wonder if he is reacting to the "fear" he sees in you reacting from his anger.....if he has never physically hurt you, then that would probably make him angry that you would be "afraid" of him when you never took anything off anyone else. Plus, his ego was very bruised when you WA, and I think it takes some men a very long time to get over being angry from that. I'm sure I've already said this, but I think some of his "acting out" has been a result of his bruised ego and anger. However, it does seem that after all this time, he would be cooling down a bit. Still playing therapist here.
"I still wonder if he is reacting to the "fear" he sees in you reacting from his anger."
"and I think it takes some men a very long time to get over being angry from that"
Sandi2.. please understand.. I love who you are. I appreciate.. who you are. What I am about to say.. is not meant to hurt you in any way.
I was over anything Sandi2 said to me... along time ago. I was waiting on her. I was over it the second I wrote out my response to her.. way back.
Please Sandi2.. do not take this the wrong way. I am glad you are here.. I need you here.. It is a example of how things can linger.. when two people.. just don't get each other.
_________________________________________________________
Ok.. this is the part I responded to. Christa was here (db.com) for the "Drama" starting event. So she and you both could understand the reference. I said something.. you responded.. I did not like it. My point was.. the second I started typing out my letter to you.. I was over it. If I did not care about who you were.. or want you to "see" my point of view.. there would have never been a response. Call it my reaching out.. even if it does not make sense.
If I need to explain more.. let me know. Just say.. Forrest.. I don't understand. I know where to find you.
A DAM will show a TCB (Woman) where she is wrong. In the hopes that the woman.. gets it and understands. Women are smarter then Men.. aren't they?
So.. lets get this going...
How do we "Push the Envelope"? and get a response from the DAM in Christa's life?
I need a response.. in order to understand where he is.
He's nowhere...haven't heard from him since sat. Nite at "our place" when I sent him about oh shal we say ten drunk texts 2 of which had pics of me in them...his response was simple "what's up"...so need some help with where to go from here!!!
Oh God! I'm so confused! Oh well, as long as Christa knows what you are saying Forrest, it's okay with me.
Hey, you actually used a block quote!
That really helps me to keep up with what is being said by whom.
Anyway, don't really know what all you meant, but I'm not upset or anything......but that post I was referring to was from another person you quoted. This one in the block....I did say. Anyway.....it's not important. Just kind of drives me a little crazy, that's all. (lol) We are here for Christa and she is the one with the great sense of humor and I pray she never loses it. I like this girl!
Peace,
Sandi
Sandi~ Thanks for diggin my humorous side...it's what keeps me going!!
I'm going to send another picture and text tomorrow from my first day of school to the H...hopefully it won't stir up too much drama!! Will keep you posted!
hugs 2 you all
christa
"Hey, you actually used a block quote! \:D That really helps me to keep up with what is being said by whom. "
Dear God!! If I have to I will.. Oh.. the things I do for people.
"but that post I was referring to was from another person you quoted."
See.. I knew you did not say it.
"Just kind of drives me a little crazy, that's all. (lol)"
Yes I know.. I get that alot.. I do my best. I leave some people lacking. Sorry!
"We are here for Christa and she is the one with the great sense of humor and I pray she never loses it. I like this girl!"
So.. give her some stuff that will help her get her.. H's attention.
So.. give her some stuff that will help her get her.. H's attention.
I thought we were waiting for you to do that. I was playing therapist. I thought you were going to think of a game plan. Okay, well......hummmmm. I'll have to get back on that.
So I started school today....wow!! Overwhelming....I think may be an understatement
LOL!!! Now trying to find time to work, go to school...get the H's attention!!! this ought to be good!!
OK, I need the therapist and the men to get their game face on...and figure out how we are going to get the H's attention!!!
I sent him a picture text of me in front of school today....we shall see!!
off to a family reunion...and I'm dead tired....and another family reunion tomorrow! It's going to be a long weekend!!!
Hugs 2 you all
Christa
I thought we were waiting for you to do that. I was playing therapist. I thought you were going to think of a game plan.
Schedule a outing of mud bogging... with some random people.. and hope he shows up.
Day on the lake.. small group.. you bring your dogs.. he brings his.
Pick up the phone and call him.
Show up with someone to "fix" the pool.
Get the pool fixed.. and have some beers.. sitting on the deck.
Text him you are having dinner/lunch/breakfast at your "Favorite" place. Hope he shows up.
Dog's in the park day.
Send lunch.. to his work.
Have his grass cut. Make sure they trim around the pool.
Call Petsmart.. and have a grooming day.
Have "Raceday" at the local Go cart track.
Fishing.. his boat.
Naked Water Polo at the local pool.
Cow tipping!
Bon Fire.
Show up with "food".. when you know he will be home.
Leave him a card on his truck.. with a silly toy.
Ask him where he is working.
FG~ Found out where he's working....ran into a good friend of his at work today....he's renovating part of my building(the friend) so i asked him....he gave it up!!! this def. helps!!! I like the ideas of card on the truck with a silly toy....hehehe!! I also like the food idea!! These are things that are def. doable! i could always send pizza delivery to his work....that would surprise him!
His friend who I ran into, asked...are you to just going to work it out already....i said talk to your friend....it's in his hands! He was trying to sell the H to me..."he's a good guy, he works hard, stays home now, doesn't go out and party any more." I was thinking to myself....wow, why is he trying to sell my H to me....this is weird! I just went with it, smiled and nodded, and said i know how i left was wrong; and a crappy thing to do...but i needed to grow up a little. He just smiled and shook his head....and tried selling the H a little more! It was kind of ironic really!
Guess time will tell!
need to send a random text!
think tonights will be ran into your buddy "x"...can't believe he remembered me!
I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school....i'm not getting very far!
christa
"His friend who I ran into, asked...are you to just going to work it out already"
Us misguided people.. just say what we think. We don't know the background of why it all happened.. we just tend to see.. the person we are talking too.. is missing something.
"I was thinking to myself....wow, why is he trying to sell my H to me....this is weird! I just went with it, smiled and nodded, and said i know how i left was wrong; and a crappy thing to do...but i needed to grow up a little. He just smiled and shook his head....and tried selling the H a little more! It was kind of ironic really!"
I am kinda doing the same thing. Nodding and Smiling.
Did you miss the part.. about H is still talking about you?
You gave that guy.. Too Much Info.
If you would have said "What do I need to do.. run around naked".. he would have said "Yes".
or
He might have said.. "You need to fix that nasty pool."
"think tonight's will be ran into your buddy "x"...can't believe he remembered me!"
Modify...
Ran into your buddy "x".. can't believe he remembered us!
That will Cornfuse the hel* out of him.
Just saying hi, Christa. How much free time do you have?
I'm just sitting back enjoying all of this! And LMAO! You two are something else! (lol)
SG~
free time? well not much anymore...just started Grad. school, so this is the first night i have been on in a while...i just like to tease fg!! he's a fun guy!!!
thanks for stoppin by my thread!
Sandi...I know you love it when i harrass FG...and say silly things like...hey crazy i'm over here!!! he get's a kick out of it too!!! LOL Well I feel very accomplished, I have a rough draft for my paper that is due friday finished. I met with one of the research nurses at work today, she helped to steer me in the right direction. Thank God, I am blessed with a great support system at my job
So sandi, any input on the ideas FG came up with?? I was thinking it would be kind of fun to fix a big pan of lasagna...H's favorite and surprise him, just have it sitting on the back patio one night when he got off of work!....any feed back??
hugs 2 you all
christa
yep...want to teach someday!! Already teach part time now...in order to go full time, need my MSN
Guess I will have to think on that Christa. I was always the type of gal that "played hard to get" so this is a turn around for me. I was amazed at Forrest's list....lol. But, if you try some of this pursuing and see positive results......then that is the ticket, for sure! Let us know as soon as you see or hear something and then maybe all of our brains will kick into high gear. I need my to kick somewhere (lol). I seem to be brain dead lately.
Hope you have a good day.
Sandi
Very cool!
I see you're in Illinois. I went to ISU.
I was always the type of gal that "played hard to get" so this is a turn around for me.
But.. does not being hard to get.. require someone.. chasing?
I was amazed at Forrest's list....lol.
I am a bit curious why... I do OK.. when tasked.
But, if you try some of this pursuing and see positive results......then that is the ticket, for sure!
To me.. any result.. is positive. So.. in that train of thought.. We have results. How.. do we improve upon them?
"I was thinking it would be kind of fun to fix a big pan of lasagna...H's favorite and surprise him"
Order him some Lasagna.. from the Italian place that delivers.. If you are not going to "deliver" it.
FG~ H lives in rural USA...population 200...there is no Italian place to deliver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
My cooking was the local Italian delivery service!!!!!!!!!!
I can deliver....what about the surprise factor...home from work...big pan of lasagna on the porch waiting....yeah or nay???
i'm here now!!
SG~ I live south of bloomington! Got my ADN from LLCC, and BSN from MU!!goin back to MU for my MSN....they are keeping me on my toes!! what was your major at ISU?? That's a great school from what everyone says!!!
thanks for checking in,
christa
Hey girl,
Congrats on starting your Masters program. I just wanted to stop by and say hi!
I was thinking it would be kind of fun to fix a big pan of lasagna...H's favorite and surprise him, just have it sitting on the back patio one night when he got off of work!....any feed back??
Yes, I think that is a good idea. Just make sure no animals can get into it before he does! Do you think it would be more fun not to leave a note or anything......just leave the lasagna? It would be "maybe" more mysterious. Although, he proably knows your lasagna very well and will have no problems in knowing where it came from. Then you have throw the ball back over in his court and you can see if he will respond. If he calls and thanks you for the Lasagna or even acts dumb and asks if you left it......maybe play dumb and all innoncent like and just have a little fun with it. If the two of you could start joking and learning how to have fun with each other again.....I think it would hlep his anger problem and you could certainly relax and show off that great personality and humor you have.
Schedule a outing of mud bogging... with some random people.. and hope he shows up.
Day on the lake.. small group.. you bring your dogs.. he brings his. These ideas from Forrest......anything that would show H that you are having a "life" and causally inivite him along for the fun.......in the beginning of this...ahhh...."project"..."man hunt".....whatever we call this. I don't think he would feel threatened in any way if there were some others around. Also, if he refused the invitation, you could act all nonchalant about it and say, "Okay, maybe next time...we are going to have a blast". As you do these type of tings from time to time and try to build back a "friendship" thing that is like a "no strings attached" for him, so he doesn't get all freaked out, then slowly when you think he is ready for a more one on one time......you will know and I'm sure you can think of ways to inspire him. Does he have a birthday coming up soon? Are these plans you've made, are they during the labor day weekend? I know you mentioned a family reunion this weekend (I get confused...sorry
) To invite him to a family reunion is not good, but you coudl be thinking of something to get together for labor day weekend----if you don't have to work! That doesn't leave much time for you to get that lasagna out there! If you do come up with some plans for a "group" event, maybe leave him a dish of his favorite food with a note attached that says something to this effect....."For more of this great stuff.....follow the attached map with instructions".
If he bring up that blasted pool subject again......and if you know what you want to do.....just tell him what it is and do it and get it over with. If you don't know what you want, then act all "girly" as if you don't have a clue (you know how men like that..lol...sorry guys) and tell him to do whatever he thinks is best b/c he is living there. Now I know that would be very hard for you as you've explained, but do you want to be right or be happy? I just hate to see a couple's R end b/c of a darn "pool"! I know that isn't all of it and probably only the icing on the cake, but it seems to be the black hole at the moment. It needs to be closed ASAP.
Let me know what you are going to do and then we can go from there. I can think of the ideas........Forrest isn't the only one around here that has an imagination.....lol.
Excuse me for a minute, if you don't mind, I need to ask FG what something means.
Take care and don't work too hard.
Sandi
Hi Forrest,
A DAM will show a TCB (Woman) where she is wrong
I know what a DAM is, but what is a TCB?
(As I hold my breath in horror waiting for the answer)
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I was always the type of gal that "played hard to get" so this is a turn around for me.
But.. does not being hard to get.. require someone.. chasing?
Yes, the someone chasing should be the man. Haven't you heard that old saying about "the man chases the woman until she catches him"? I literally grew up that way. My mother taught me that was the way "good girls" were to behave. I know that is pretty much forgotten about in today's society and it seems like it's been turned around. All I see anymore are the girls chasing the boys. It takes the fun out of natural conquering for the man. It's not that I can't think of ideas, but it is just strange to me to go this route of the woman pursuing the man. Maybe I'll learn something, but I hope not at Christa's expense.
Well, I warned you guys that I was old fashion! But, it is still ingrained in me and I think some of those old fashion ideas still work today, just don't see it happening very often. However, if Christa's H responds to her chasing him and that will prove to him how she really feels about him......we just need a little clue from him and we are off with all kinds of ideas (between the three of us).....the poor man won't know what ht him!
So, take care FG.
Sandi
P.S. My H just came in to tell me that a close friend and relative just passed away. Also, our D is having health problems again, so I'd appreciate everyone's prayers. We have had so many people around us to die lately. Makes you realize how short life is and how we should make the most of it. This realitive of mine that has passed away.......she and her H were so close to each other. Of course, they had problems like anyone else, but, they accepted each other's "quirks" and they worked their problems out together and have been married probably at least 45 years or more. He will be so lost without her, it breaks my heart. I'm sorry, I suppose it is really hitting me right now, so I need to go. Thanks for lisenting.
chemistry.
i love that town so much. i had a good friend who lived north of decatur (can't remember the town) and she worked at ADM.
i'm proud of you.
sandi...i'll pray. i hate when that happens....life is soooo short!
thanx sg!! im exhausted already!
Sandi~ I have sent some random texts....he has been responding, slowly, says he's done...I need to get over it. He's going to see his L. He's said all of this before. So could be he's crying wolf, hard to tell. But he is responding. Just being a little bit of a smart a@#!!
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you as well.
take care, thanks for the input.
((((sandi))))
christa
Hey FG~ Haven't heard from you in a while!!! where r u hiding!! I'm here there and everywhere
Could use some input on this whole, H thing!! Sandi you as well!!!
Get your thinking caps on!!
School is proving to be extremely time consuming!! I would like some more free time!!!
Hugs
christa
I know what a DAM is, but what is a TCB?
(As I hold my breath in horror waiting for the answer)
I find my definition of what TCB means.. offensive.. I really do. Hence my reluctance to define it. I suspect.. people can figure it out on their own. DAM.. grew on its own. Yes.. I had to "define it" but people accepted it. I am not ready to "define" it. Someone will need to step up.
Or.. you could just say I don't want to define it.. cause I am scared.
I would agree.
I know I am a DAM. No question about it.
Yes, the someone chasing should be the man. Haven't you heard that old saying about "the man chases the woman until she catches him"? I literally grew up that way. My mother taught me that was the way "good girls" were to behave. I know that is pretty much forgotten about in today's society and it seems like it's been turned around. All I see anymore are the girls chasing the boys. It takes the fun out of natural conquering for the man. It's not that I can't think of ideas, but it is just strange to me to go this route of the woman pursuing the man. Maybe I'll learn something, but I hope not at Christa's expense.
Yes.. I have heard the quote. But.. at the same time.. what would your Mom do if she heard you met a guy on the computer? Sorry. We just have to allow for times are different. We all make mistakes.. and have to overcome them. To me.. you can't apply the logic.. unless you apply it all.
I was hoping to finish this.. but I am tired.. and can't post anymore.
Sorry... I was rambling last night.
Anyway.. the idea has been to text and get a response.. He is responding at times usually with something that is directed at hurting Christa.. or getting her worked up to where she can't think. From what I know.. he has a lot to lose if he moves forward with the D. He has made some references that he is going to move forward with the D.. but no papers yet. The angle that I am playing with in my mind is he just needs to understand that he can talk to her. She wants to hear from him. Not necessarily to fix things.. but just showing some interest. In all likelihood.. from what I have seen and heard.. he is somewhat happy just living his life the way he is now. There does not appear to be a significant other that may play into things. There is likely someone.. but nothing really important. At this point in his life he is just happy to come and go as he pleases. The thing about the responses we have seen so far is they just seem.. silly? Flippant? At one point he did indicate he wanted to see Christa.. but scheduling conflicts brought that to a close. After that.. he made reference to him and Christa had not seen each other in a long time. My gut tells me he is just playing it safe.. and controlling the situation. Which is fair enough.
The texting could generate something.. it is just gonna take a lot of work. Chrita is going to have to stir it up some.. if she ever expects anything to happen. I don't want her running down the street after him.. I don't want her to be a "Booty Call". In all likelihood.. she will have to put herself out there.. in order to see anything happen. Or we can sit back and wait.
I like the "Old School" approach that Sandi2 has. I don't disagree with the benefits that it has. There is something to be said about a man that knows what he wants and goes after it. At the same time if you hurt that guy that knows what he wants.. he may cower away the next time. That is why I suggested the "public" outings.
Me and Christa are still working on the text angle.. see if we can get him to respond that way.. in a favorable way.
Sorry about your close friend Sandi2.. I will keep you in my prayers.
Christa.. Sandi2 seemed to like the outing at the lake with the dogs and friends... what do you think? Can we get something in the works there? Get a time and place set up.. I will come up with something to text him.. or maybe we will call him!!!
I'm game for a lake outing....but there could be some major concerns on his part! and a few on my end... dogs would not be an option....all 5 of the kids have yet to meet...that will have to be done in a very controlled environment...i'm not ready for that!!
he could bring his, or i could bring mine...but not all 5...we just are not "there" yet!!1
boating...i boat with my family, he is not comfortable with my family. he thinks/feels they are the ones that steered me towards leaving him. so i'm not for sure if this is a route to choose.
I was thinking of asking some mutual friends, if we could set up 4-wheeling down at their place sometime in the near future. I could take my 4 wheeler down, and ask him...then they could also ask some more people...that way it is a group environment...or if they could do something to help me out. i think this may be a safer approach...there would be no family involved and we would be around our friends who we would both be comfortable with. or if the same crew would want to get together and go to a comedey show or something. this would be people i think i could see him around vs. seeing me with my family, who he's really uncomfortable with at this point in time.
let me know thoughts and feelings etc.
christa
I have sent the H a few random texts...he hasn't replied. any suggestions. I have just been using general ideas. He made a reference to "we shouldn't be talking"...so i've used that a few times...like, "even though we're not supposed to be talking, I just wanted to say hey!" I get flustered when he doesn't respond, for the simple fact that when we used to fight, we would start to ignore each other....instead of facing the issues. I can't help but wonder if he is going back to that mentality. Or is he ignoring me because he is busy with work.
any suggestions/feedback!!!???
sandi2...where r u!!!
I am going to talk with my friends who are also still close with him about getting something set up...4wheeling, a cookout, just hanging out....something. I hope they will be up for it. I hope he will come out if they do plan something. And if he does come out, hopefully, he won't do anything to intentionally hurt me...ie: bring a chick! I am preparing for the worst praying for the best
thanks everyone!!
hugs
christa
Christa,
How can you show him you "get it"? When my H started backing off my coach said that I needed to show him and, in not so many words, tell him that I get it. We are just friends. I think a setting up a group get together, without pressure, is a good idea but the invite should come from his friends and that you should not mention it or ask if he is going. I hope that it goes well.
I have a question for you if you. Lately I have been getting cross eyed looks from my friends and family when I tell them that I am still trying and still holding out hope. It upsets me that they aren't supportive. What kind of world do we live in? Do you get this? How do you handle it?
Hey, sweetie-pie! I was trying to be good and take a few days off. I did. Very few. (lol) What can I say? This has become such a big part of my life and so important to me. I do need to cut back some, though.
So, what do you think? Is H becoming a hermit? Is he being seen at the bars lately? Strange. I wonder what's up?
So, where is Forrest and all his plans? We need to go bug him! (lol) If you have friends of your and H's that could act as a go-between in arranging some type of cook-outs or other adventures (now behave) that sounds like a good idea. At least maybe you could get a feel (no pun intended) of what is going on with him. Like you said.....if he didn't bring another woman! Oh! That would take the cake!
Anyway, if you ever get the chance for him to lay his eyes on you again......I want you to be prepared to knock his socks off!.....or anything else. Oh, I am just so bad when I get with you. Why is that? I refuse to think it is b/c you are a bad influence on me. I am the one that is suppose to be influencing here.....(did I spell that right?) I think it's time to send Sandi to bed. "Alone again......naturally". Remember that song? Of course you don't!
So........you know what they say......keep hanging in there. Don't you get tired of hearing that?
"I'll be back!" I would spell his famous name, but I can't even pronounce it correctely.
And, no I have not been drinking! You just bring this out in me.......which I think is a good thing, b/c I need to be a little crazy some times.
(((hugs)))
Sandi
HIC~ Yes, I 150% understand what you mean...I get crazy looks from people who do not "get" what it means to stand for your M. I have a few core friends who get it. And I just trust in them, and all of my awesome friends here...other than that, i don't say much. If people make comments, I just say, divorce is a permanent decision that I am not prepared to make. I am the one who will have to live with the consequences of the D, nobody else...so I do not want to be rushed into any decision that I am not prepared to make...then I usually state scripture and God's views on D. Then family and friends usually back off.
I really like your forum...the Q&A was an awesome idea...kudos to you
I hope things are going well in your corner of the world. I'm with you, standing tall, expect the worst...praying and hoping for the best
keep your chin up!! (((HIC)))
Sandi~ My friends at work also say I'm a bad influence, you're not the first one who has told me that!!! LOL!!! :D!!! It's ok, I guess my thread is no holds barred!!!
I am hanging in there!! I have been texting H with no responses from him. Don't know what is up with that??!! He's just crazy!!
I would hope and pray he would not bring OW to friends, if/when I can get them to set something up. That would be kinda dramatic and possibly cause issues, and he knows that. I think he wouldn't come to said get together before he pulled that type of stunt...i hope!
As for FG, I think he's checking in on me, just waits until he sees posts that need responses before he actually responds! He is so active on these boards...just like you, it's hard to keep up. I have a hard time keeping above water, and I just have my thread and a few that I try to keep up on!!!
Well I'm exhausted...off to bed I go@@
hugs
christa
Christa, you always sounds so upbeat....I admire that.
Do you think your H would ask friends if it was a "set-up" for the two of you, or ask if you were coming also? I suppose it would be a guessing game right now as to what he would or would not do. And while I'm asking questions here(I always seem to be doing that on your thread) do you think your friends may not want to be placed in that position of feeling....in between the two of you? They may be kind of nervous about what to expect out of him also. But, then there are always some "match-makers" out there somewhere.
I know a lot of people don't understand you standing for your M but that is your personal busines, so try not to let it get your down.
I did have a crazy idea, but it would be a huge risk and it would take a lot of nerve. It is probably way too soon to jump into anything like this since he hasn't shown any signs of wanting to reconcile. Anyway, here it is for whatever it's worth....you can file it away somewhere.
You could send him a letter with no return address and not signed. You don't want to give away the secret of who is sending this "invitation" to him, so be careful about your wording or he will know it is you.....or maybe you would
want him to know. That decision would be up to you, b/c this could make a turn either way. If you don't want him to have a clue as to who it is from.....then send it typed. Anyway, say something about there is a female (be sure to state that part...lol) admirer of his that would love to spend some private time with him. Then tell him which hotel/motel room it is in. When he sees that it is in a motel, then his imagination may go wild wondering who it could be or what it may lead to. That is one risk...right there! If he doesn't show up, you can think that he did not want to be with another woman........or you can think he figured it was you (lol), so either way could drive you nuts not knowing. Same thing is he shows up at the door.....but when you see his face, that should tell you the story by the expression. If he looks shocked.....then you will know he wasn't expecting you! If he smiles.....that will be good whether he was expecting it to be you or not, right?
Now as to how romantic of a setting you want this to be is all up to you. You may want to have a simple little room, or you may want to get a suite. Anyway, you could have something prepared to eat and drink as a before thing to have something to do (lol) in case conversation seems strained. Or if you want to spend the bucks.....have room service bring up dinner! Also, how you dress is however your mood may carry you. If you want to be daring......well, go for it (lol). If you want to just look sexy.....he knows how to peel off clothes. But, the risk....goes without saying, and you know what that is. He may turn around and leave when he sees it is you, or he may think that it is a set-up (which it is...lol) and get too nervous and leave, or he may think it is fun and go right along with whatever you have in mind.
I'm sure one of the first things he will want to know is what you are doing.....what is this all about....you know. So, you will need to be prepared with the answers. Be relaxed (fake it) and try to put him at ease and tell him that you wanted to be alone with him and that was the only way you knew how to get him there. If he asks why you didnt sign your name, just tell him you thought it would be more mysterious this way and make it fun. If he asks if you were testing him to see if he thought he would come to see if it was another woman......tell him you would not have gotten dolled up for a "test" (hummmmm?) The point is to keep it light and fun and just try to put him in a relaxed mood as soon as you can. Tell him to relax and that you aren't trying anything other than to be alone with him. When he asks why, tell him b/c you miss him very much. Tell him you did not want to meet him in a public place, or your place, or his or anywhere else.......and that you were afraid he would not come if he knew it was you or anywhere else. Just be honest. Then, offer something to drink....doesn't have to be alcoholic, but something, and have some fruit or whatever to snack on (or tell him dinner will be served whenever). He will be watching you to see what you have up your sleeve. So, again, I would just be upfront and tell him that you didn't that your purpose was not to trap him into coming to a talk session about R. You want to pretend that the two of you are just friends and can act like that and enjoy each others company. If he asks if that means friends with benefits......well, you take it from there, girl.
If he is not talking and things get too quite and come to a standstill.......and you begin to feel nervous and yet he doesn't show signs of really wanting to leave......maybe have a movie with you to show (?) hey.....ya gotta do something! Somewhere along the movie route is tell him, "You know what I miss? I miss you giving me one of your wonderful back rubs....or whatever he may have rubbed (
) Or maybe you ere the one doing the rubbing on him and ask him if he would like for you to do that again.
If you get a place with the works.....water works, that is....like a hot tub or that other kind I can't spell (lol) hummmmm, my mind is going in all direcions, but it would be up to you to get him in it......LOL! However, the excuse of "relaxation" is always good.
If this man has any good sense at all, he will at the very least.....the very least, let you know that he wants to be friends again. If that is as far as it goes, then that is a beginning and more than you have right now. And, Christa, if he isn't talking and you will have to probably take the lead b/c I think he will be waiting to see what you are up to......just be honest and tell him that you miss him and wanted him to know that if you two can have nothing else can but friendship......that would mean the world to you. Then you have tossed the ball over to him and wait to see his response. Just be patient if he doesn't answer right away. I know you will be nervous and want to fill the silence with more talking, but remember, men have to process these things in their minds......and they are slow about doing it!
Anyway, that is sort of the overall idea......you can fill in the blanks...lol. It would be a very big risk and you may want to just take a small baby step to see if he would show up at a friend's house before going for the hotel idea. However, if you want to stop messing around and waiting until doom's day to find out where this man "is".......you could get it over with once and for all.......and that means it could go either way.....good or bad. Big risk. But, just an idea.
Well, I think (don't laugh) I have about wore my keyboard out! What will I ever do??? Go to Walmart and get another one! That is a great idea, thanks for telling me.
Take care,
Sandi
Sandi
thanks for all the input. I think the hotel thing may be a little over the top for me. I'm crazy, but if he won't even text back...i don't want to go to extreme...but the idea will stay in storage bank and could be used further down the line!!!
As for my friends doing something, I talked to her earlier this summer and she seemed ok with the idea...I will tell her if they are uncomfortable not to worry. We really wouldn't have to go to their house, if they could just facilitate a group outing...that would be great! I just need to get in contact with her. We work together, but with my school schedule and her babysitters schedule, it seems we hardly ever see eachother!! I think she will be game, her and her husband have been sooooo supportive of H and I getting back together, their phenomenal people! I admire them and their R/M...they really have their act together!! And they're great people!
Well if you need contributions for a new keyboard let me know...i appreciate all your help and support!!! We could have a new thread...help sandi2 buy a new keyboard!!!
Well it's a busy weekend, need to study for midterms...yes it's that time already!! WOW!! My sister and I are going to see our uncle and family who live about 2 hours away later today. He's having a small family dinner....he adopted us after my parents past away...it's always great to see him and his family...he's so good to me!
I just let "naysayers" and their BS go in one ear and out the other. I feel as if I am the one who has to live with the decision of a D...nobody else. This decision is between me, God and H...no one else. If they don't get it or like...i don't really give a sh*t!!! LOL!!!! Maybe that's a crappy attitude, but it's just how I have learned to be. There are few people who truly "understand" what it means to stand for a M...and have faith it can work. It's my choice, God will let me know when it is time to stop!
thanks again Sandi...I appreciate your help, guidance, advice and support
hugs
Christa
Yeah, I thought it was a bit much myself, but that's the way I think.........over the top. You should see me get a program together at church....lol. It would take three days to get what all I have down to do for an hour! I may not have much money, honey, but God did give me an imagination.
All kidding aside, since he has gone so dark on you.....your way is best.
Have a good time at the mini-family reunion. You deserve a good time, and a needed break from work.
Later,
Sandi
Sandi~ There is nothing wrong with over the top!! I hope to use your idea in the future...but since he won't even text back at this point...I don't want to over due it!
I'm sure your church programs are outstanding
The family gathering was nice. I got eaten alive by mosquitos
however, I got to see 3 of my cousins that I only see once or twice a year....so it was great to see them!
thanks again for your ideas! Any ideas on him not texting back??
take care, have a great weekend!
(((sandi)))
HEy Christarn-
i was reading some stuff you wrote on another thread, and i have a question..
what did your H do to have you want to work things out? Anything in particular? Just a couple of things? small changes?
thanks
Hey, sweet.
Thanks again for your ideas! Any ideas on him not texting back??
Well, can't think of anything unless you know a short funny joke....that doesn't require a response. Then if you hear of a joke does require a response to get the punch line, send it.....then if he is interested in the joke maybe he would answer back. Hopefully, he would see it as a non-threatening message and respond.
If you have the funny jokes that people send to you over the Internet.....you could send those. There are a lot on the Internet that are really funny and kind of makes you day. You know his taste in jokes, so find his, and go for it. Doesn't require any type of answer from him, but yet you are making contact and it is nothing serious. If you can get him to laughing at some funny things, that would lighten the mood between you. Then if you were to see him, you could ask him how he liked so & so joke.
Otherwise, I suppose to just continue to do what you have done ever so often so you will stay in his mind. As long as you keep it casual, maybe he won't fly off the handle.
BTW, any updates about the 4 letter word.....pool?
thanks for the input Sandi!! I've been so wrapped up studying for midterms....H is taking a backseat for now...haven't text him in a few days...gives me time to think of something really good...and maybe if i give him a little break his mind will start to wonder a bit!! And he will be more prone to respond!!!
as for the pool, one of my friends drove by the place and said he was hauling water to it...so evidently, he is working on it...i can't help but wonder if he was just trying to pick a fight...or seeing how i would react...who knows. men!! j/k guys!!!
well more midterm studying to do!!!
hope all is well in your world!! At least this is definitely keeping me preoccupied!
I'm glad that your life is so full b/c it does keep one's mind from just dwelling on their personal stitch all the time. You know, if he has slowed down with the women and bar scene (and I don't know that he has.....just wondering) then it won't be long until he is going to start feeling the lonliness. I think you are on him mind a lot more than he would admit to anyone, most of all......himself.
Do good on your test and let us know when it's all over and how your aced it.
Later,
Sandi
sandi~ I hope you are correct, in the fact H is getting lonely!! that would be wonderful!! I have heard from his friends he stays home a lot...he hasn't said to either of the friends i chat with anything about any women...which is good. I agree, he will never admit it if he does miss me, even a little!!!
I hope to ace the test...that would be awesome!!
take care,
Christa
Hey sweetie, just checking in on ya. Hope you had a good day. Have you heard anything out of Forrest lately? Guess I'm going to have to look him up and make sure he's still kicking. Oh lordy! (lol)
I think FG is MIA!!!!FG come out come out whereever you are!!!
I haven't random text the H in a while...been so busy with school work, it's just kept me rather preoccupied...plus the fact he hasn't responded to the past 4 or 5 that i sent...it's disgruntling! any suggestions??
off to school i go!!
thanks for checking in sandi!
christa
Midterms were TOUGH~ ALL Essay questions..... I Will be Extactic with a B!!! The prof grades tough....we shall see!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all the well wishes
You guys ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Sunday!!!
Christa
Hi Christa,
If texting isn't working with your H, you should probably try another tactic.
Have you talked to a DB coach?
Are there other methods of communication that have worked in the past? Email or even a phone call or a direct invite to do something?
ITH
I have a coach!! She is great...Jodi!!! I haven't talked with her in a while, probably 2-3 months...may give her a shout later this week or next...dependent on school sched.
He will answer when I call him...but usually turns into a fight of some type, so was using texting as a neutral, trying to get him calm before I tried anything more agressive....if that makes sense!!
thanks for checking in ITH!! Hope things are going well with you
Christa
Hi Christa,
Just wondering why calling "turns into" a fight? Is there a way that you could call and have this be a 180, a call where you will not engage in any kind of fight whatsoever?
I'm not clear on what causes the arguments? Are there some topics that are just too sensitive to discuss? Would it be possible just to call and say hi, or to call and even invite him for coffee or something?
Or is he antagonistic on the phone?
ITH
What does your coach think causes his anger, Christa? Does she think you should continue to pursure or to back off until he gets through this anger towards you? I wished he'd buy a punching bag and hurry the process up a bit!
Let us know as soon as you get your grade on your exam! Here's hoping.
Sandi
What does your coach think causes his anger, Christa? Does she think you should continue to pursure or to back off until he gets through this anger towards you? I wished he'd buy a punching bag and hurry the process up a bit!
Let us know as soon as you get your grade on your exam! Here's hoping.
Sandi
ITH~ The last two phone calls: he calls or I have called him, he wants/needs something that takes me TOTALLY TOTALLY off guard... most recent example...POOLGATE...yes how can any of us forget POOLGATE!!! (sandi, I know your laughing!!) The second being over some stupid credit card....yes sandi, you've been following me long enough, i'm sure you read about credit-card gate as well....they start out nice, cordial, easy-going, then he throws something at me off the wall....like by the way the pool is full of mold so i'm going to tear it down?? WTF??? did I miss something, until we are D'd you can't do anything with or to marital property...then he's like get it out of your head we are never going to work out...I know my bad, brought up r/m...but I was just like, I think we should hold off decisions about the house until we decide what is going to happen. A few days later I text him and just said, I can have a pool co. come out and fix the pool or a bulldozing company come tear it down, let me know what you need from me...haven't heard another word out of him about the pool.
As for the credit card....well that story, is just way too dramatic...if you're board you can read thru some threads...if not...well...let's just say pretty much the same as above.
Good idea about the coffee, except were more, go to the bar and have a beer kind of people!!!
which i have done before; i guess it's been so long, and his whole anger thing...i'm just scared of rejection!
Sandi! DB coach thinks anger is some type of out cry to get back at me for leaving. The "you did this to me, so I will do this to you" mentality. He can not let go. He never has been able to let go of any part of his past. He reverts back to every wrong thing someone has done to him; I think this was the only real time I had truly hurt him...so this, therefore, is my punishment...sad I know, but I also feel, as if the way he was raised, he is incapable of dealing with emotions...father alcoholic, mother well, un-supportive is me putting things EXTREMELY nice!!!! I haven't talked to DB coach in a while, since FG has been working with me...that crazy boy....where is he hiding...oh FG!!!
So, where to go from here...It's been a week since I have msgd him, continue to back off...or continue to pursue...find a happy medium? He stated in a text 3 yes 3 weeks ago, he was going to his L...still haven't heard from mine...so finding that statement hard to believe. I don't think there is a 3 week turn around...at least not where i am from!!! LOL!!!! I figured a week to get into L, then a few days for our L's to chat, then I would have heard from mine...long story short...H is full of sh*t!!!!!!!! :D...I honestly don't think he knows what the hell he wants...
So, I will keep on trucking! Got school to keep me busy, and work if i'm bored!! I cut back my hours, as school has become really overwhelming...and my education needs to take a priority at this time in my life. I'm not paying the big bucks to repeat courses!!!!!
So, for now, I will just keep praying for the crazy little H....Let the Man in charge take care of some of this, He's the one in control!!! I am doing my part down here....and leaning on Him to do His part from above
ITH and Sandi thanks for the great input!!! hugs 2 you both
Christa
Man oh man! I think he is in serious limbo country. He seems angry at the world b/c his W left him. Well, big deal, it's not like he is the only man out there this has happen to before!
This makes me think of my friend AmyC whose stitch was not like yours, but she and H split and he never could seem to forgive her and get over it. She did everything she could think of to get the M back together, but no go b/c of his stubborness.
I don't know, sweetie, you may have that type of man on your hands too. Have to ask yourself if you are sure you want to wait this out or move on. It's your call. But, frankly, I just don't know what to do with the man. I'm afraid my patient would run out real quicly. Of course, I'm not the one in love with him....lol.
It's after midnight and I should have my backside in the bed. You may have to come pull me out in the morning to get me off to work!
Glad you cut back on some of those hours. I was concerned about you working too much to try to compensate the lonliness. Anyway, like you said, now you are focused on your education. If you can just keep your mind in that direction......you'll do good.
I think I'm beginning to dream a little now, so better sign off.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi
Thanks Sandi~
I am truly busy with school.... probably for a reason
I think God is testing my patience!!!
Time will tell!!
hugs
Christa
I am taking a break from the homework!!
My prof.'s state this program is designed for the full-time career person.... I am trying to figure out how???
I have three papers one 5 page, one 3-5 and one 1-2 page along with an hour long power point presentation, not including the reading of 6 chapters of BS all due by Fri.
I have cut work back to 2- 12's which is my minimum, still don't know how i am going to stay ahead of my bills....will worry later!! I am just pondering how they think someone who works FT can do all of this??
ok, i feel better, needed to vent!!!
oh, and work on a marriage that is in severe crisis!!!
and try to look fabulous!!! LOL!!!
hope everyone is having a happy tuesday....needless to say, weds. and thursday are going to be writing paper days for me!!
hugs to all
christa
"Man oh man! I think he is in serious limbo country. He seems angry at the world b/c his W left him."
And.. in all fairness.. he should feel that way.
I was pissed when my W "left".
"I don't know, sweetie, you may have that type of man on your hands too."
We do! Understand that! 100%
"She did everything she could think of to get the M back together, but no go b/c of his stubborness. "
Here we disagree.. Maybe AmyC needs to come have a look. In my mind.. she just never "showed" him.. things could be different. She did not "poke" him the right way.
"Have to ask yourself if you are sure you want to wait this out or move on. It's your call. But, frankly, I just don't know what to do with the man."
Hmmm.. this seems familiar.. The outcome is the same. She is posting here.. or off GAL with H.
Christa.. you can wait. Never think that is not a option. If you want to wait.. say the word.
I will say it again.. people don't seek me out.. to chit chat.
Sandi2.. can chit chat. And I love her for it.
I can't walk someone thru the "mental" part of it.
I mean.. I have said it before.. I love the fact she is Lan's friend. She walked him thru.. the stuff I could not.
We are here for you.. and what you want to do.
Even if me and Sandi2.. don't agree.
The simple fact remains.. we are both here.
Honestly.. to me.. that says alot.
We see the same things.. you just have to lead.. and show us the way.
I want to proceed....in whatever way will give me the best odds of getting this R/M back on track
I am open to suggestions!
Ready to poke!!
Ready to chat
Ready to get out of the rut
i think currently i am in a cheesless tunnel!!! time to find some cheese
i received a letter in the mail yesterday... H filed ...
to make things even better his father was admitted to the floor where i work. i am off work today, but work tomorrow, i am hoping he is discharged by then, and everything is ok. time will tell
he picked a crappy time to do this, school is already overwhelming, and adding this on top....just a lot to deal with.
Hi Christa, sorry I haven't been around in a few days. My Fibro has been awful! Anyway, sorry to hear the news about H filing. That's the pits to say the least. I was hoping he would drag his feet about that like he seem to everything else.
Well, I'm not good at "poking" like I tried to tell you and Forrest. That was never my part that I played (sorry, don't know how else to state it). If I try to think of something I am too over the top....lol. I did do the chit-chat and was hoping that Forrest would help out on the male end of things b/c I don't know where to go now that H has filed. I would feel doubtful that he would agree to show up at any friends for a cookout, now. I just don't know what to tell you unless you can wait out the storm and give him time to get his anger worked out. You are so busy with your school, work, etc., that maybe that would keep you busy while he is working on his "issues".
I wished I could be more help as far as giving ideas of how to "poke him"....but I just don't have any. FG said AmyC did not poke enough....or something like that, but I would have been just like her. I would not have "chased" after my H a bit more than she did hers. Maybe he calls it "poking" but I call it chasing and I thought the man was the one that like to be the one to pursue.
Anyway, Forrest, what to do now that H has filed?
I agree Sandi, I'm not sure WTF to do now that H filed? I feel like we are in a whole new game.
I have a feeling he is going to want this to be short and sweet. It is not going to be, esp. with me being in school, everything is going to revolve around my school schedule.
I don't know how to feel about it all....angry, sad, frustrated?
I wonder if there is a OW behind this?
He did respond to a text the other day...he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about...i said not much, good to hear from you. that was that.
hope you get feeling better...i have fibro and migraines as well...it sucks
take care of yourself
thanks for listening
christa
Well.. the first step would be to see what his side of the papers are asking for.
It's not a turn that I hoped for.. and if I am being honest.. I don't think any of the actions taken so far have "made up his mind".
Is it a possibility.. absolutely.
I was very clear about that.
There is a possibility that "Pool Gate" set things in motion. There is also the possibility that this was his plan all along.
From the beginning of all this.. this was always possible.
This does bring a new level of "Emotion" to the table..
The papers will tell us alot about where this is coming from.
How many people have gotten papers and then had things change? You can never tell what will happen. All I can say is people reach out when they feel like something is about to happen.
Best thing I can say is.. talk it out if you need to Christa.
Lets look at the papers.. try your best not to respond "Emotionally". If things are fair.. and agreeable.. then move that direction. If things are not.. then go that way. Again.. you go into protect mode.. not attack mode.
Again.. maybe its my simple mind.. but I just would rather see people making smart choices.. rather than waiting on someone to make stupid choices for them. I have sat in a L office making stupid choices for someone else. I have done and said a lot of stupid things. So.. I still stand on this is a walk of you.. and who you want to be.
Nothing me and Christa have done will "bite" her in court.. If anything it shows how mad he still is. Who knows.. showing up in court.. or the L office and separating permanently might have a effect on him.. in a good way. Or it builds on itself and it ends in D. I will still stand by Christa.. hopefully to help her make smart decisions that help her down the road. At least he is making a choice.. I gotta assume he knows the consequences of his choices. In the end he is the one that will have to live with them. It was not that long ago.. Christa was giving him papers.. and moving on with life.. without him. Interesting how time changes things. You can never assume to know what the other person is thinking.. all you can do is make smart choices.. and understand where those choices will leave you. If you can be "happy" with the outcome.. either way.. you win.
If you really look at the LRT that they recommend here.. it is a action.. of no action. They recommend it because you will likely not make smart choices with all your "Emotion" running around. Some people draw closer to the person doing the LRT.. some people pull away. By choosing a action.. you allow for something different to happen. If you don't choose a course of action for you.. things will surely go the same way.
You also cannot discount that life goes in cycles.. or circles.. so here we are right back where we started from.. when Christa was making the choices. Until those papers are filed.. and everything is done.. I will encourage her to "Do Something Different" and allow for "something" to change. I don't know what is going to change.. "something" will. And in the end.. it will be something good. Christa wins.. even if she can't "see" it now.
Christa.. Keep your head up.
I know you have a lot on you right now. You can do this.. I know you can. You just gotta believe.. or have some hope.. that this is gonna make a better you. There is a reason for all this.. it just takes a while sometimes.. to bring into focus what that reason is.
Thanks FG, for your kindness and support.
I talked to my L, told her to lay low, let them do the "work"...I guess H's L made it sound to my L (over the phone) as if H and I had a discussion and we were both in agreement that D was an amicable solution...I told my L, I didn't want D, and didn't know he was going to choose this route. I told her how 3 weeks ago, he had asked me to come down and hang out, and things were "hunky-doory!" Then next thing I knew he said something about going and talking to his L, but I thought he was bluffing...and how he had bluffed to me before. She said she felt bad, she thought I knew he was serious, or she would have "picked a softer approach than a letter"...I told her not to worry about it; however I was in grad. school so anything and everything would have to revolve around my schedule now. I told her not to do anything, anything at all....let them, call her, and do the leg work. I said for the past 20 months, he has lead me in the direction this could work, and I still have hope it can, let's do what we can to make this "take time"...she said that was fine with her. She said the next step she anticipated from their side was a motion hearing. I asked if there was anyway we could get a judge to grant "mandatory counseling" she said she would file for it, but it could be denied, so, at the motion hearing, we are going to file for what is called "conciliation counseling." It is where one of the members of the marriage believes there is a chance it could work out; if the judge deams it fit, he orders mandatory MC. I pray, and hope, and hope and pray, if we get to that point, that is the direction it goes. Not that forcing the H to counseling is going to make him happy; I just think him being in an environment where he can vent and all I do is sit, empathize, and agree, could start something. If not anything else...it's a stall technique.
So this is where we sit.
Not exactly the turn of events I was hoping for, but indeed, a turn of events.
The past few days have been crazy with emotions. I've just been busy with work, and school, trying to keep all of this on the back burner, at least for now.
Thanks for the input FG~ as always, thanks for being a good friend when I need one the most
christa
Honestly... this may be your best post yet.
I see you thinking.
I see you reaching.
With all that is stacked against you.. I see the heart.
"The past few days have been crazy with emotions. I've just been busy with work, and school, trying to keep all of this on the back burner, at least for now."
That right there is progress.
I so expected to read something different.
I saw your post on SG the Mods thread about getting baited.
Listen to the advice you gave.
Nothing has changed yet.
"Thanks for the input FG"
Your welcome.
Don't disappear on me now. I've worked hard to uncover a bit of you.
Everybody has.
Thanks FG
Forrest, when you told Christa to talk it out.....how did you mean that? Did you mean talk it out here or to write a letter to her H? Would you see a letter as being a LRT? I mean a really last ditch attempt to express all of her feelings?
i took it to mean talk it out here? was i taking it wrong?
I was thinking no talking to him for a while!
FG, where are you!!!
"Forrest, when you told Christa to talk it out.....how did you mean that? Did you mean talk it out here."
Sandi2.. she can talk this out with you.
I will monitor.. and respond.
So yes.. talk it out here.. on DB.com
"Would you see a letter as being a LRT?"
A letter is a possibility.. and something I have thought about.
We are not at that point yet.
"I mean a really last ditch attempt to express all of her feelings?"
We are nowhere close to a last ditch effort. Her feelings really mean nothing to him at this point. Her feelings would just bring anger.
Best thing she could do.. is to walk into a room.. and "shine".
Trick is going to be finding what room he is hiding in...so I can "shine" brighter than the sun!!
I always tell my friends, put your sunglasses on, I'm an angel, my halo gleams so bright, you need them!!! They find it VERYYYYY Funny!!!! Especially since they all know i'm full of sh%t!!!!
night guys
christa
You crack me up girlfriend!.......no, not you Forrest, Christa
That sounds just like something FG would say.......you talk it out with me and he would monitor!! He said to poke the man.....but I don't know how to poke!! I don't chase men, remember? So, like you said, if you can't find his hidding place, how do you shine. I'd like to shine his butt to the sun and back. He's about to make me mad! It's time to get over his anger anyway.
My idea of luring him into a motel room to give him sex didn't work and he won't go to any of the friends cook-outs, and it's not time for the letter.......soooooo, yeah, I'd like to take a poke at him myself.
(You know I just kidding around.) Just filling up space. I think you are the first person that I have actually been "stumped" and didn't know what to advise them to do....lol. So you get a gold star next to your name.
Sorry Forrest, but you can't just run out on us like this.....we need the weird thoughts of a DAM to know how to proceed with the poking.
Have a good night sweetie and keep up the good sense of humor. I think that is what keeps you going.
Sandi
I need to shine before a court room appearance!!!
He needs to see this halo!!! LOL!!!
Thanks for checking on me Sandi!
As I said, school first, take care of me...then DB....look I'm a poet now!!!
Christa
I am still around Sandi2.. I won't forget about you... or Christa.
My DAMness is always available.
My time is just limited some.
What if he is bluffing. Just to see if he can get a reaction?
You can't let this drag you down Christa.. I will just keep telling you that.. different ways.
Sandi2 has more "Emotion" than I do. Thats a good thing.
Cory
FG~
Why would he pay L to bluff? that is one hell of an expensive bluff!! Fine by me if he is.
My friend had to see her atty. today, while they were waiting for paperwork to be drawn up, she asked what my odds were of getting a judge in IL to go for a "conciliation hearing" or mandatory MC...he said pretty decent. and he's a conservative/cynical type, i know it's still a 50/50 shot, but that is better than where my odds were before to get that boy in a room with me and make him talk. i have a slight inclination when he starts seeing me fight for things such as mandatory counseling and his atty bill starts to climb....it may get interesting. we shall see.
time will tell
Hummmmmm, playing hard ball. I like it!
"Hummmmmm, playing hard ball. I like it!"
When did you ever think we would not be playing hardball?
Sandi2.. did you really think I was that easy?
Hi FG~
I'm letting H and his L "Do Work"
He wants it....he can work for it!!!
I hate writing papers! LOL!!