Where do I go now? - 03/25/13 08:13 PM
I used to post here frequently, but fell away. I don't know if that is the reason that things went wrong, but I think there is a lot more to it than that.
In August, after a lot of work on learning to control my temper, going to a batterer's intervention group for a year (my temper had me yelling at W and - unintentionally - intimidating her), and finally agreeing to sleep separately until she felt more comfortable, W told me that continuing to work on M was torture for her. She informed me that she would no longer go to MC, that she was not going to continue to work on M, and that she wanted us to no longer have any expectations of each other. She concluded the conversation with, "As far as I am concerned, this marriage is irrevocably broken." Those words are indellibly etched in my mind.
Now, we are still living in the same house - we cannot afford 2 households on my income, and besides I have no intention of becoming "uncle daddy," who comes and visits a couple times a week. No, I am going to be a daily part of their lives! (No offense to those of you who have had to move out - we all do the best we can under the circumstances) I sleep in a rollaway bed in the unfinished basement. Sometimes I feel like a spare thing that we have no room for. But my family needs my income, and at least my children need my presence.
It has often been really tense. Sometimes when I make a stupid mistake (like putting the wrong kind of cheese in a recipe), W accuses me of having done it deliberately just to spite her. Unfortunately, my responses have not always reflected the greatest degree of grace - although I will say this for myself: I haven't gone back to yelling at her, and I let go of the arguments much sooner than I used to.
But things are getting calmer now. I used to tiptoe around her, saying only the minimal things necessary, and trying to be as unobtrusive as possible (I was just trying to avoid fights). Eventually, I discovered that this only made her angrier. So, now I tell her what has to be said in a calm, confident tone of voice, staying very businesslike, and she responds in a civil and reasonably pleasant tone.
I am struggling with GAL - I want to do some things for myself, but I am really anxious about losing even one evening a week with the kids, as they are kind of my lifeline now (of course, I make sure that I am there for them and do not "lean" on them emotionally). I work 50-60 hours a week, and it is hard to find a social life outside home in the time that remains.
I am posting this in "Divorced, but not done," because I still hold out the hope that, sometime in the far future (I don't expect it any time soon) we might be able to find each other again. But I guess I feel kind of aimless...I know that I have to live as though this marriage is never coming back, but my heart can't close off that possibility. I just don't know how to tackle life at this point.
I remember last time I was here, I got support, I felt welcome valued by the other people here. I hope to have somebody here to talk to again.
In August, after a lot of work on learning to control my temper, going to a batterer's intervention group for a year (my temper had me yelling at W and - unintentionally - intimidating her), and finally agreeing to sleep separately until she felt more comfortable, W told me that continuing to work on M was torture for her. She informed me that she would no longer go to MC, that she was not going to continue to work on M, and that she wanted us to no longer have any expectations of each other. She concluded the conversation with, "As far as I am concerned, this marriage is irrevocably broken." Those words are indellibly etched in my mind.
Now, we are still living in the same house - we cannot afford 2 households on my income, and besides I have no intention of becoming "uncle daddy," who comes and visits a couple times a week. No, I am going to be a daily part of their lives! (No offense to those of you who have had to move out - we all do the best we can under the circumstances) I sleep in a rollaway bed in the unfinished basement. Sometimes I feel like a spare thing that we have no room for. But my family needs my income, and at least my children need my presence.
It has often been really tense. Sometimes when I make a stupid mistake (like putting the wrong kind of cheese in a recipe), W accuses me of having done it deliberately just to spite her. Unfortunately, my responses have not always reflected the greatest degree of grace - although I will say this for myself: I haven't gone back to yelling at her, and I let go of the arguments much sooner than I used to.
But things are getting calmer now. I used to tiptoe around her, saying only the minimal things necessary, and trying to be as unobtrusive as possible (I was just trying to avoid fights). Eventually, I discovered that this only made her angrier. So, now I tell her what has to be said in a calm, confident tone of voice, staying very businesslike, and she responds in a civil and reasonably pleasant tone.
I am struggling with GAL - I want to do some things for myself, but I am really anxious about losing even one evening a week with the kids, as they are kind of my lifeline now (of course, I make sure that I am there for them and do not "lean" on them emotionally). I work 50-60 hours a week, and it is hard to find a social life outside home in the time that remains.
I am posting this in "Divorced, but not done," because I still hold out the hope that, sometime in the far future (I don't expect it any time soon) we might be able to find each other again. But I guess I feel kind of aimless...I know that I have to live as though this marriage is never coming back, but my heart can't close off that possibility. I just don't know how to tackle life at this point.
I remember last time I was here, I got support, I felt welcome valued by the other people here. I hope to have somebody here to talk to again.