What I've learned...

[DavidM]

Well, one week to go b/4 the Big D is final (thereabouts)
So what have I learned...
To recap
Me 44
W 44
M 20 years
Bomb 3/29/05
OM (virgin boy!) 39 she tells him she thinks he's swell same day she tells me she thinks she can't "do this" anymore.
Moves out 4/26/05
VB dumps her 8/05 (guilty conscience)
She files 1/06 prematurely so it gets pulled..
She files 3/06

My previous threads...

She's Hellbent to divorce
Need IMMED. Help
How many REALLY reconcile?
She's FILING this week
My dlilemma... or what should I do

What I've learned lately....
Well, journaling along here... I know that W has a court date for an ore tenus hearing on 5/19... Instead of paying to have a deposition taken saying that the marriage is over, she and her witness go into court, they ask you where you live, are you over 18 yadayadayada and is the marriage over.... She says Yep, they submit the paperwork to the judge and soon thereafter your divorce decree is final. Whoopee.
Now this is going to happen, nothing I can do about it....and truth be told, I'm not sure I want to do anything about it. I've spent the last year telling her I want to reconcile, I've offered to go to counseling (a real SBT MARRIAGE counselor..) I've offered to let her live on her own and continue her therapy and then let me know when she's ready to try.... In short, I realize that what she's said about needing to be on her own is true. She just needs to be on her own, pay her own way, make her own mistakes and GROW THE HELL UP.
My C has repeatedly pointed out things our M that W didn't participate in and didn't carry her weight so to speak and it's true. She didn't take an active role and put me in the position of PARENT. So, now I've got to deal w/ D15 getting sucky grades, in danger of failing 9th grade and this is a child that two years ago was taking 4 honors classes! She also did not want ANYTHING to do w/ having W join us for her Bday celebration yesterday. I offered to put it off until tonight so we could all do it and she said NO! Wonder what THAT is all about!
My Mom has stayed in touch w/ her somewhat and I know they have some pretty frank discussions; funny thing is my mother was the one that left and us kids stayed w/ my father in 1973 and W has pretty much vilified my mom over the years for leaving us esp. since my Bro/Sis were toddlers at the time. And now she's done the same.


Also have learned that snooping is definitely a no-no. Everytime I went snooping on the computer/email I saw something hurtful and painful. So it's better to just not go there. Likewise I don't want to hear what she's saying to other people. It probably isn't true and in the long run doesn't really matter.

And the way she's treated me for the past 10 years probably borders on emotional abuse... definitely the past 2 years. And she still plays the victim; I DID THIS TO HER.... seems to be the recurrent theme.
Okay, let's see, I had a brief A in 1989,
I left on a trip in 1993 1 week after a miscarriage after being told repeatedly to GOGOGOGOGOGO, I just want to be alone, I need time to myself.... NOW she tells me I should have known better.
Oh, and in 2004 I didn't come home from FL when her Brother found out he had cancer.... Second thing out of her mouth was DON"T COME HOME; airport is snowed in anyway and I couldn't get you. So, I called the airline, found out flights were cancelled. Called her the next day, found out nothing was happening or going on til I was going to be back anyway, told yet again not to come home... Okay.
So there you have it, ALL the stuff I've done that proves I don't love her.
I won't even begin to add up the stuff she's done.


I know our OLD relationship is over. We can't go back. We can go forward and have a new relationship based on being equal.

You have to deal w/ stuff when it happens, not push it aside and ignore it while it festers!

I find myself NOT saying/emailing things that would be counterproductive! This is good. Instead of saying "Since we're OBVIOUSLY not getting back together, I'd like my (relationship) books back"
Or, when she gripes about $$$ being tight, I DON'T say, "gee, now you know what it's like to run the budget" or something snide like that.


I am not mad at her for quitting our marriage...disappointed yes. Mad, no. She thought she was dying and had to get out. I cannot be responsible for her inadequacies, her inability to cope w/ life's curveballs. B/c it wasn't just me that she had a hard time w/. Everytime she was disappointed she felt hurt, be it something her Mom said/did, someone else letting her down, whatever.

Last night I felt this incredible sense of relief come over me while at work (which is amazing b/c work has become very stressful due to work related issues, to say nothing of the fact that OM (Virginboy) works here too!) Anyway, I just stopped feeling all the anger I had been feeling throughout the day. I don't have the need to see her hurt from the consequences of her choices. And they were HER CHOICES.
I'll be alright, better than alright.


I have to let her stand on her own two feet, however long that takes. And to realize that VB (or another relationship) is not going to "fix" everything. D15 is STILL very mad at him; for hurting Mom and for leaving her and S11. B/c he was a family friend, they liked him. D15 still doesn't "get it" that what Mom did was inappropriate, still says that Mom wasn't seeing him BEFORE she left the house. (denial is a wonderful thing!) NOT.

W has refused all offers to attend MC since she left. I will remain open to this if she makes the offer in the future.
I don't see this happening, but...
W also is back to saying that "who knows what the future will bring..." and "as long as we're both alive a divorce is NOT irreversible" and "maybe in a year or two we can start dating again"
Okay, all true.... but unless she makes some wholesale changes in HERSELF, I don't see it happening. I hear words that are just meant to reassure herself/myself that it's not all so bad.
And I seriously doubt she will EVER want to put herself in the position of vulnerability and risk me telling her to go to H#ll. She's said as much, to which I replied... "why would you think I'd do/say something hurtful to you? You're my WIFE"

So... I guess next week about this time I'll be divorced or nearly so... Keep me and the kids in your prayers!

D

[RonJon]

DM, Don't get too hung up on the final, its just another day. And when the Ws say "who knows what the future will bring" it means they know their plan but don't want to share it with us. Was there in Jan. My suggestion is to focus on D15 and S11 and let them know how much you care, will always be there, and work with her to get those grades back up. RonJon

[DavidM]

And she is really trying to drive home the point that W QUIT. She walked away from her marriage and more importantly her KIDS. She didn't want to work on it, she didn't want to communicate her needs, etcetcetc.
That by continually BLAMING me she is still acting childish. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her (in)actions and it's easier to be mad at me. Not very mature.
C wants to know why I'd want her back. I said not like she is, I hold out hope that she will resolve her issues and choose to try again, that we can be a family again. I vacillate between not wanting anything to do w/ her (pride) and wanting to restore my marriage and be the kind of husband I know I can be for her (humility), BUT I don't really know that anything will ever be enough for her.
Okay, I know this sounds like I'm still angry at her. I'm not. I KNOW I can do absolutely nothing to fix this. So, I try to be the best darn single Dad I can be, I try to be patient and understanding w/ the kids even though we all know what 15y.o. girls are like!! DRAMA. QUEEN.

And here is an excerpt from an email a mutual friend of ours sent me a bit ago..

I don't know why these things happen to us. We are all just struggling with life and love. You must mourn this, (D), and start to move on. Whatever you had with (W) is in the past, and not likely to return, from what I can see. She is not looking back.

Well that sums up how I see things. I would like to think there is some hope she will change, not likely from the general perception.
I was contemplating emailing W on Fri and telling her now that she's D'd would she please return her rings and anniv. band... but I just don't care anymore. She has made it clear how she feels about me and our M, so why would I want them around as a reminder?
On the positive side, I'm SLEEPING most of the night all the time now! YEAH. And she's pretty much avoiding all contact w/ me these days; major stress reduction!

I'm thinking that she's got at least 6-8 months of being D'vd before she'll even THINK of coming around. Any comments? Anyone want to lay odds?
Hey, I should start a pool on
A) Whether or not she'll ever want to try again...
B) When she'll make a move towards that!

$10 a wager!

[DavidM]

Boo hiss. W gets to tell the big bad judge she doesn't want to be married, her GF gets to say, yep they been living apart... DONE.
My L isn't going; says it's a waste of time/money since I can't STOP it...
I'm still debating whether to go or not. I said in my response to the complaint that I didn't feel we were irreconcilable...so my views are on record.
Nothing I say is going to change anything. She knows I don't want this.
Part of me feels like just letting go. IF at some point in the future she feels a need to explore where we are at, I'll see how I feel about things then. And for the record this does not mean I'm giving up or quitting, just changing my tactics.
So what do you all think? Amy??? I KNOW you'll have an opinion!

[DavidM]

Hey David,

You do know that I was trying to make you smile, right?

I know that this must have been a sad and draining day for you, and I really am sorry. I still have my day in court to look forward to. No matter how you slice it, it's such a waste!

How did you come up with a settlement this quickly. Had you seen a mediator?

Take care.................

Bethie

Yeah, I finally figured that out! (see my email to you!)

We did our own Property Settlement Agreement. Last year when she was telling me she wanted to "be on her own for a while and sort out her emotions and think and maybe see where things went w/ VB...(virginboy)) I had a paper copy of a boilerplate agreement. Typed it all up and we sat down one day in bed (!) and agreed on everything in an hour. Looking back I see now she just wanted to bolt. She could have taken me to the mat on some $$$ issues but didn't and since the kids welfare was our first priority... that made things easy. NO alimoney, she pays minimal child support as I told her that if she doesn't pay something the courts aren't going to like that. Of course she squealed and tried to say that she shouldn't have to since she didn't hit me for half of my [401k] (not really but like one..
Can you say CHA CHING... Of course it wouldn't have been pretty if I'd made a stink about the OM. Last year I was DBing and didn't even know it! I didn't file, I didn't blast her. I DID chew out the OM which actually did some good... for my mental well being and it got him started on the path to dump her!

The bummer was this still cost me over $3500... First L was a jerk and dropped me b/c I didn't want to refi the house to get her off the deed. It would have put me in a tight $$ sitch. And her L screwed things up every step of the way costing more $$$ I can't even imagine what the cost would have been if we had litigated anything at all!!! She just wanted out. And last year when she was all glommed up w/ VB she was like the typical alien. You'd have thought she was on drugs.
She totally blew off her friend that happened to be in court today... I talked to that gal later and she said she felt like she couldn't breathe!

So, the only tie up for us was she had to wait a year, file, me respond, get a court date and that's that.
I thought it would be a great idea to get smashed tonight, but I had to take S11 to a friends and D15 and her gf to a concert and now have to go pick all three up. So much for getting trashed. Not my style anyway!
Oh well, tomorrow is another day Scarlett.
Thanks.

[poepad]

3 things,

Check your credit report right away, get her off anything your got, and get off her CC's. They will use credit to make their escape.

Next give all the room she needs, pretend she is gone, and make the kids your prioity.

Alien speak says move on, she is lying, but will need lots of space for a good while, months.

[DavidM]

3 things,

Check your credit report right away, get her off anything your got, and get off her CC's. They will use credit to make their escape.

Next give all the room she needs, pretend she is gone, and make the kids your prioity.

Alien speak says move on, she is lying, but will need lots of space for a good while, months.

Maybe you need to catch up on my sitch!!! We're DONE. Completely. Last year I pulled a Credit report... We both took each other off our individ. CC as authorized users (and got the cards back!) Actually the $$$ aspect of our Div. was very civil.
She's just got her head up her A$$ regarding emotions/dealing w/ issues/etc.
Just Sunday (2days post Div.) we were talking on the phone about the kids... and somehow the conv. got around to things that happened between us and she started harping again about how she didn't FEEL cherished/loved/etc... I gently told her that's why I found 5 Love Lang.s so revealing... That I DID try to show her, that SHE wasn't talking in a way that I fully comprehended... That two years ago, a year and a half ago...had she sat me down and said "I'm at my wits end, I'm really unhappy, I'm thinking about leaving because......________" MAYBE that would have opened a real dialogue instead of the several months of BS we spent going to the shrink and she talked about all the little nitpicky things that pissed her off... but ignored the BIG one! W/E.

I'm going to keep on DBing by being nice, pleasant, accomodating when it comes to the kids and general stuff. We don't argue about anything. And I think she's finally realized that VB (OM) isn't going to be coming around AT ALL. PERIOD.
Night!

[Just_Me]

she started harping again about how she didn't FEEL cherished/loved/etc... I gently told her that's why I found 5 Love Lang.s so revealing... That I DID try to show her, that SHE wasn't talking in a way that I fully comprehended... That two years ago, a year and a half ago...had she sat me down and said "I'm at my wits end, I'm really unhappy, I'm thinking about leaving because......________"

And that's when I invalidated her feelings by telling her why she shouldn't feel that way and how we could have "fixed" it. But, of course, after D, you can explain what you feel the cause of problems was. You deserve your chance to speak out.

[RonJon]

That's the same boat a lot of people are in, self included where if we knew then what we know now things would be different. To find a way on the timeline for one spouse to "get a clue" before the other spouse reaches "the point of no return" instead of the other way around would be the solution to many situations. At least now you know rather than going through life always wondering. RJ