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No such luckMy title sums it up.
I’m still very single. I had date redo with guy with young kids. He left early Wednesday to bring his kid to the ER so we went out again Wednesday night . We had a lot of fun. We talked a little about where he is in life. Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there . I think he is still emotionally unavailable. There is just a certain distance and disconnect. I know it’s not going to go anywhere. So, I guess when we can hang out , we are just going to have fun when we can.
Honestly, the longer I have gone being a single adult and mom, the harder and more clueless and confused I get about dating. Nothing feels right anymore . I feel like a real relationship just isn’t possible.
Tired. I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is. Or sharing responsibilities . It seems so foreign to me . With the financial weight in my shoulders for so long likewise, sometimes I really just want to run away and live in a tiny house or a cabin. Live a minimalist simple life . Like I said, as I get older, and so many years go by being so alone….. the farther away the concept of a partner seems.
My dad has Covid. He’s doing Ok though, pretty exhausted but he thinks he’s going back to the gym tomorrow . Crazy man.
The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?
Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend. Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week. Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable. Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is. T
Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier. And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him. Yet, here he is quite happy.
Go figure .
Oh Ginger. The frustration you are feeling is oozing out of this post. I am so sorry it is this way for you. You deserve more. You really do. I do believe you will find it…at some point…but the process is so hard, and I’m sorry for that.
I was listening to a podcast (I’m new to it) called “Smart Dating Academy”. She has a dating service as well if you look up her website. I’ve only listened to a few episodes, but so far I think some of the dating advice they promote is intriguing. I know you said your budget is tight and you may not want to try their service, but you might enjoy some of the ideas they propose. In one episode I listened to, they discussed how we keep ‘dating’ the same way and so we have the same results. As in, we are the common denominator on much of what isn’t working. I thought that was interesting. Have you really dug deep to understand what you are attracted to, and how you proceed on each date when you meet someone you like? Maybe doing something completely different will bring a different result?
I am no expert…by any means. I am just starting to explore the idea of getting back into the dating pool myself now that my divorce is final and my life has stabilized. But what I can say is that I’ve been following your thread for sometime now, and I think you are an amazing soul and you have a lot to offer someone. I think the fact that you haven’t found that someone is not because of who you are. I also don’t think it’s just in who you are attracting. I wonder if it’s got to be something like who you are picking or how you are proceeding when you meet someone you like that might be setting you up for the same frustrating result?
The dating process described in some of the episodes I listened to is a totally different process then I did when I was dating the last time. I saw many interesting ideas on how to really see what someone is like over time, and how to identify red flags, and what to actually go after to find someone that is what you are looking for. And how to make them ‘earn’ you. Being an analytical person, I see how the effect of changing one or two things can really have a big impact in the scheme of things. Like the butterfly effect. I think we all have the tendency to keep doing what we do without really thinking about it because it’s hard for us to see it that way. Even when we think we may be doing something differently, in reality, we really are not. It usually takes someone else to point out a different way (and to hold us accountable), and it takes even more energy to resist the urge to fall back into our current ways of doing things. But sometimes, it’s the leaps or the shifts that really lead to impressive change.
Anyway, maybe give some of them a listen and let me know what you think of what they suggest. Again, you have a lot to offer someone. You are caring, smart, independent, funny, loving and loyal. I know there is someone out there that would love to earn your love and trust!
((Hugs))
El
Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend. Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week. Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable. Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is. T
Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier. And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him. Yet, here he is quite happy.
Go figure .
Are you fu($#@ing kidding me right now ???
Really ?
You have so much more than you allow yourself to believe...
Get outside of your bubble that you protect yourself in....
Life begins outside of your comfort zone...
Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there .
This is odd. Typically a woman has to have a emotional connection to even want to have sex with a man.
I know it’s not going to go anywhere. So, I guess when we can hang out , we are just going to have fun when we can.
You know this after 2 dates?
Honestly, the longer I have gone being a single adult and mom, the harder and more clueless and confused I get about dating.
I don't think you are confused. You know what is right and what is wrong to sometimes choose to ignore.
Nothing feels right anymore . I feel like a real relationship just isn’t possible.
Guess what you are manifesting?
Tired. I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is.
I hear you. I have to take care of 2 places right now.
Like I said, as I get older, and so many years go by being so alone….. the farther away the concept of a partner seems.
People get set in there ways.
My dad has Covid. He’s doing Ok though, pretty exhausted but he thinks he’s going back to the gym tomorrow . Crazy man.
Of course Sanat kicked Covids a$$!
The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?
Very interesting! Hmmmm.
Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend.
So a wife that lets him cheat (allegedly) doesn't sound good to me. If he is so happy why is he allegedly cheating?
Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week.
This sounds awful to me!
Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable.
Maybe it's time to make his life miserable by going back to court?
Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
55 is too young to retire IMO.
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is.
So a cheater who barely sees his daughter is happy because of a few concerts and vaacations?
Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier.
Maybe and maybe not.
And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him.
How do you define a wonderful man?
Yet, here he is quite happy.
Cheeseless tunnels!
G....
You know this, and maybe one or two other people here...
You know what I have been going through...
My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.
I have been struggling, trying to feel something, and remember who I was before we had met.
Trying to examine if I was broken, or just heartbroken.
Trying to find out if I am still the same person that I was all that time ago.
To those of you who knew her....
She was one of the strongest, fiercest, most passionate woman that I have ever stumbled across.
She was my inspiration daily, to do the best that I could...
G, you knew her, and she knew you ...
She loved you...
When I think about her, and her strength, I think about something that she did for herself to get there...
The 'how' in this may be irrelevant...maybe not.
Roles.....
K would tell me that she would feel life closing in on her at certain times. Her role as a Mother, as a Friend, as an Employee, as a Daughter, as a Sister, as a Lover, as a Partner.....
Through it all , she would often forget that underneath it all, she was a WOMAN...
All of that ^^^ Her drive, her persona, her sexuality, her tenacity, her passion, ALL of it came from her being a Woman....
So she would strip down (literally) and just spend time with her Womanhood. ( She would do these 24-48 hour challenges) Getting to know herself again. It was her recharge, her renewal, often times ? her salvation within herself...
The "how" was merely a symbolism, and a visual tool for the process...
Her "how" isn't for everyone...
I often wonder when I read you G, how much "roles" have kept you in the same place for a long time now.
How much do you recharge the Woman in you ?
How much do you allow the Daughter, Friend, Mother, Employee, Homeowner, EX-wife define who you are ?
How you define yourself as a Woman. without all of the masks that you wear on a daily basis ?
Just some random thoughts....
{{{{{{Mach}}}}}}
my condolences Mach. Grief is ... eff the cliches. it's messy, it's like a sine wave ... gut-wrenching ... transforming.
i can only speak for myself, but the way i'm honoring my mom (lost her in Dec) and Dad (lost him 3 years ago) is by doing my best to live a life that not only is true to myself, but also would make them proud.
I think you're doing that, fwiw.
xo
Sorry to hear, Mach. My condolences.
Ginger,
Happiness comes from within. Everyone has problems and I am sure your exH has his share of issues. If his marriage was that great, why is he off on a solo vacation and why is he enjoying it without his W?
Assuming he is not faking his happiness, he is happy because he chooses to be and sees the positives in his life. If you leave the being single part aside, you have so many positives that you can focus on and be generally happy.
My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.
Very sorry for your loss Mach.
To those of you who knew her....
She was one of the strongest, fiercest, most passionate woman that I have ever stumbled across.
She was my inspiration daily, to do the best that I could...
YUP - Agreed
She challenged many of us and I guess you the most.
Even though I don't like man hugs.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Ginger - my ex is a big f”in baby that thinks he’s still in college.
From the very beginning when I would go to sleep with my son next to me (now 11 but 4 at the time) I would say to myself “I would never ever want to trade places with my ex” even though he had it so much easier then me. I will take care for my son through the hard times over going to bars and concerts and vacations any day of the week (my ex has that lifestyle too)
Life and parenthood is not about taking the easy way out. Parenting a few days a week under optimal conditions is just babysitting really. They only have a superficial knowledge of love and what it means to be devoted to their own child. Same goes for life. People that have easy lives don’t have the same depth to them then those that have had some form of struggle. They end up not being very relateable or empathetic. Almost like from a soul level - your a phd grad and he’s still in kindergarten. You put in the work of life and he half Assed it. It’s easy to half ass things. We see those people at work all the time. I wouldn’t want to be one of them though - even though it’s easier.
Since I stink at quoting, let me give this a shot.
E- you are a sweetheart, thank you! Each night I play a podcast when I go to bed. I am definitely going ot listen to that podcast. Dating has een changed in the last 13 or so years I have been doing it. It's just getting harder. The longer I have been at it, I don't get better at it, I get more confused, lol
MAch- I loved K too SHe was always so unapologetically herself. Fiesty, smart, passionate. Everything I want to be when I grow up
Mach and LH- I do believe my ex is happy. What a normal guy sees as horrible, he sees as great. He is HAPPY he only has to be a father very part time. He was 31 when he remarried and dhe remarried a woman who wanted kids. He didnt want anymore. He liked only having one part time. It was enough for him. what you might view as miserable, he views as ideal.
MLC- Oh, my ex doesn't just choose to find happiness. He seeks happiness when things aren't going as he likes and gets what he wants where he wants it, ot caring about who he might hurt. "missing excitement, attraction with current spouse? I will fix that, I'll get a side piece! I will get safety and family from my wife, and excitement elsewhere. Problem solved! I cant do that.
I'll be honest. "happiness comes from within" is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us. And I am not an unhappy person..... I am not thrilled with how things turned out or where I am right now. But I am not miserable. I can find happiness in many situations. I am happy in my job, except that i don't make enough money. I am happy with my D. SHe's awesome. I am happy with my friends. All good things.
MAch- as far as me just being a woman and not identifying myself in a role. I am always in a role. You nailed it. Mom, nurse, friend. Who am I? Well, there are a few times I reconect with myself and I am not in a role. It's in my one hour 3-4 times per week I am in the gym. It's me time. I work hard in my classes. I pay attention to what my body is capable of and I just feel good about myself. I feel alive. Same when I go for a hike and ike riding. It is the only time I am not inside my head and i am just me. I also am not a fashionista and I am creature of comfort. My wardrobe comes form amazon and costco. But I put together outfits for cheap I get alot of compliments on. ANd i enjoy looking good n a budget. I own pretty much NOTHING designer. In my neck of the woods, everyone has something, but not me.
SAdly, the things tht do make me feel like me, sometimes come with guilt . Guilt that my kid is home alone longer on my gym days. Guilt that alot of my responsibilities have to get pushed aside. That my house isnt in tip top shape. Because something has to give when I do things for myself. I like to think I have endless energy, but I do not.
Which brings me to an embarrasing confession. I want someone to take care of me. Yup. Not because I can't do it myself. But because it would feel amazing. I have never had it. Barely in my child hood. For sure not in my adulthood. I am the caregiver. Work and home. I want someone to care enough to make sure I am safe, well, fed, relaxed and not overwhelemd majority of the time. SOmethng I have never experiened.
Last, but not least, LH. yes, I women can have a sexual attraction withot emotional connection. ANd with me and this guy, its an emotional friendly connection. We can connect, but not on a deep level. ANd it isn't date 2. it's rounds 2. we went on 6-7 dates prior. ANd again, its going the same way it did the first ime. days without communicatuon. ANd if I were to text him
right now, he would answer right away. But I have to do all the work, and quite frankly I don't want to. I remember it's why I ended it the first time. I just dont care much this time around. Last time I had anxiety over it, this time I just dont't give a F
I will leave you all with an intersting tid bit. I asked D if she heard from her dad and she said only when he landed and she isn't going to text him. SHe said she thinks OW is texting him like 10 times a day and is so incredibly lonely. OW has been sending D texts asking how she is and how she can't wait to see her wed night and she it;s "weird" D decieded to go there with her grandma even though dad isnt home because she feels bad for her stepmother. Apprebtly this woman can't survive without him. I have a big work event tomorrow so it works out well for me. One of the nicest catering halls in the area (and NJ has alot of them) free drinks and food and netowrking. It'll be fun.
That's enough for now, i was too long winded
Mach,
My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.
That's awful. Very sorry about your loss. Thoughts and prayers...
Ginger1,
Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there.
Last, but not least, LH. yes, I women can have a sexual attraction withot emotional connection. ANd with me and this guy, its an emotional friendly connection. We can connect, but not on a deep level.
Would you expand on little on this? As a guy, I'm curious on a your thoughts as a female on why there is a sexual attraction but not an emotional connection? What makes you both attracted sexually, not not emotionally? Is it just a physical thing? Or you want to connect but don't think he's open and available at the moment?
I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is. Or sharing responsibilities . It seems so foreign to me.
I hear you on this. I felt like I was crushing it at first, but have been slipping on some stuff around the house lately. And it's only been 2-2.5 years. 14 years is a long time to primary parent and have no support. I find when it's my "off" time I should get some stuff done but sometimes need to just veg out or try to GAL.
With the financial weight in my shoulders for so long likewise, sometimes I really just want to run away and live in a tiny house or a cabin.
Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable.
Maybe it's time to make his life miserable by going back to court?
Maybe you've explored this ir are tired of people suggesting it, but when is the last time you were in court over child support? I know you've said you make more and typically the parent's significant other doesn't factor in, but aside form the presumptive formula the court has discretion / latitude to adjust amounts. I wonder how a family court judge would feel about your ExH jetting off to tropical island vacations yet not chipping in for his daughter's new sweatshirt. I care for my kids more than my ExW yet I have to pay for the mortgage on the she and OM2 live in; it's definitely not fair you get peanuts when you're the primary. Don't be a "nice guy" about it. If there is a chance you could get more, stand up for yourself and get it. Or, maybe I'm completely off base and you've exhausted that option.
The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?
I will leave you all with an intersting tid bit. I asked D if she heard from her dad and she said only when he landed and she isn't going to text him. SHe said she thinks OW is texting him like 10 times a day and is so incredibly lonely.
It really is bizarre he'd go to a tropical island by himself when married. Not a scuba diving trip or golfing expedition with his buddies or anything? How does that conversation go with OW? No ask to come with? It does seem pretty fishy.
Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week.
I do believe my ex is happy. What a normal guy sees as horrible, he sees as great.
This really is sad. If he's happy about this - and he may be - I pity him. It's no easy task raising your kids, but there's also nothing more fulfilling. Maybe he just doesn't realize what he's missing out on.
Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
What do you mean thanks to your dad?
I have a big work event tomorrow so it works out well for me. One of the nicest catering halls in the area (and NJ has alot of them) free drinks and food and netowrking. It'll be fun.
Sounds like a blast...enjoy!
“I'll be honest. ‘happiness comes from within’ is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us”
So you’re saying that to feel happy these external things ultimately have to fuel a fire “within” us?
I'll be honest. "happiness comes from within" is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us. And I am not an unhappy person..... I am not thrilled with how things turned out or where I am right now. But I am not miserable. I can find happiness in many situations. I am happy in my job, except that i don't make enough money. I am happy with my D. SHe's awesome. I am happy with my friends. All good things.
If you doubt happiness from within is possible, read the works of Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor. It's not a BS for me, even if it is for you just now. I haven't reached his enlightenment--every few weeks I post about something that caused me to lose my cool. But truly as you find me now, on a random day, or when life goes just a bit south I chuckle and feel merry.
BL- I would be happy to elaborate.
I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good. I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks. On that level. And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall) . As for the emotional
Connection ? Partially my walls and partially his. I know he isn’t ready or perhaps even capable of something serious right now. And I don’t want to get burned in that situation myself. So I’m sure are a bit emotionally unavailable to eachother . Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all. This is what he did the last time . It would go like 5 days and I would reach out and he would respond right away. I communicated how I felt
About that, but nothing changed and we parted ways. This time around I probably won’t say anything about it and just go about my business.
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive. Teen girls cost money! She wants to hang out with friends, go to the mall, the movies, activities. I’m the one who gives her cash. She needs clothes which aren’t from childrens place anymore. Haircuts which are adult woman hair cut costs that I pay for. Feminine stuffs that I pay for. Underwear, bras, I pay for. She isn’t make up crazy but uses some. Does her nails every 3 weeks which I split with her. She’s a good kid and I’m not going to cut this stuff off. It’s basics, it’s not overboard and she deserves it. She babysits when she can, she uses her own money on non necessities. She really wants a job, but it’s tough at her age. She only
Comes to me things. And not for nothing that whopping &88 per week isn’t even for that stuff. Child support is to put a roof over her head and food on the table. That doesn’t make a dent. I stay where I am for her to attend school. I’ve made all the sacrifice, he hasn’t made any . So I decided to kindly sit down and explain the situation. I will give him a choice. Either we file the paper work or we can agree on an amount. And I’d only ask for $100 more per month. He should be able to swing that. I can’t let this go any longer.
Anyways, he got his job because my dad and my stepmother have the state job he has now. They got him the hook up. They let him use their address ( they are in NY and We are in NJ) they let him stay there while he was in the academy, pulled strings to get him the courthouse he wanted (ended up being the one my dad was at, they worked together for a few months and he retired) and that is where he ended up meeting his wife. Ironic, right? We agreed I would be the money job and he would be the benefits job. Well, that turned out well for me, lol.
God only knows how the “I’m taking my savings and going to saint maarten without you and alone” went. She wouldn’t dare rock the boat I guess, because according to my daughter she NEEDS him. ( no probing by me, she offers this information because she is very observant and emotionally intelligent. She also expressed she doesn’t want to live that way and respects that I am not that way)
As far as happiness comes from within. Yea, we have to make a choice to be happy. Some people can have everything in the world that you think would make them happy, but are still miserable. But really, happiness, excitement, sadness are usually fueled by outside sources. Do I rely on the external to dictate my moods? No. Can external things bring us an array of emotions? Absolutely!
I am content with how great my daughter is doing. I am content with my job. I am content with my friends. I feel a peace and calm when I think of certain things. And I feel unsettled and a bit of anxiety when I think about others. But overall, and everyone who knows me knows I am not a miserable person. My ex is a miserable person and asu daughter says “dad has anger issues” but he is generally happy when he finds things to make him that way
Ginger1,
I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good. I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks.
Fair enough. Makes sense.
And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall).
No way. That's hard to believe ;-)
Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all. This is what he did the last time.
So I don't think this is case here, but it's interesting to me all the dating / relationship materials I've seen online post-D all talk about the guy not being too eager at first and not over pursue - that women are more attracted to guys whose interest is unclear. Curious what your thoughts are on that.
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support.
Good! That's a good decision for you...and for your daughter.
I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride.
No need to worry about rocking the boat anymore...14 years in it is what it is. Pride? Wish my ExW had it LOL. You don't PLENTY as the primary single mom with no support - you deserve plenty of pride regardless of addressing support. Remember, it's not for you...it's for your daughter's needs.
But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ?
Agreed.
So I decided to kindly sit down and explain the situation. I will give him a choice. Either we file the paper work or we can agree on an amount. And I’d only ask for $100 more per month.
I'd recommend consulting a one-time consult with an L to explain the situation and numbers and have a professional give you a target. Maybe $100 more per month is actually low. A solid knowledge of where the courts might rule that will give you confidence in talking with ExH and firm up your stance so if he pushes back you just go ahead and file for review.
He should be able to swing that.
The way you word that makes it sound you're still tentative/concerned about the impact to him. Maybe not, but make sure you act on what's right for you and your daughter and not what might impact his ability to jet off to a tropical island by myself! If he can swing that, and maybe other vacations, he can chip in for his daughter's clothes and haircuts.
Anyways, he got his job because my dad and my stepmother have the state job he has now...and that is where he ended up meeting his wife. Ironic, right?
Ironic indeed. I bet you spend time dwelling on that at the beginning of your sitch. My guess is with him it would've been somewhere else if not there though. Who knows.
God only knows how the “I’m taking my savings and going to saint maarten without you and alone” went. She wouldn’t dare rock the boat I guess, because according to my daughter she NEEDS him.
Yeah...would've been interesting to be a fly on the wall for that discussion.
"Honey, I'm going to the saint maarten next month!"
"You're taking me for our anniversary?"
"No, I said I'm going"
"What do you mean, with your buddies?"
"No, just me"
"Um...."
I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good.
This is interesting. The guy is labeled great after one romp in the hay. Maybe he had a good day? Or maybe you have to convince yourself that is the reason you are doing it?
I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks. On that level. And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall) .
If more women like you there would be more nuclear families, less depression and less INCELs running around this planet.
As for the emotional Connection ? Partially my walls and partially his. I know he isn’t ready or perhaps even capable of something serious right now. And I don’t want to get burned in that situation myself. So I’m sure are a bit emotionally unavailable to each other .
Have you asked him? Studley, what is this relationship to you?
Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all.
Get's some booty and goes cold. Pattern? We shall see.
This is what he did the last time . It would go like 5 days and I would reach out and he would respond right away. I communicated how I felt
I am guessing you felt really uneasy for those 5 days.
About that, but nothing changed and we parted ways. This time around I probably won’t say anything about it and just go about my business.
So you are good with him reaching out when he is horny?
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive.
It's about time that a-hole pays his dues!
We agreed I would be the money job and he would be the benefits job. Well, that turned out well for me, lol.
I bet you eventually would have lost attraction for him.
As far as happiness comes from within. Yea, we have to make a choice to be happy. Some people can have everything in the world that you think would make them happy, but are still miserable. But really, happiness, excitement, sadness are usually fueled by outside sources. Do I rely on the external to dictate my moods? No. Can external things bring us an array of emotions? Absolutely!
So to change this you have to change your blueprint on what makes you happy.
I am content with how great my daughter is doing. I am content with my job. I am content with my friends. I feel a peace and calm when I think of certain things. And I feel unsettled and a bit of anxiety when I think about others. But overall, and everyone who knows me knows I am not a miserable person. My ex is a miserable person and asu daughter says “dad has anger issues” but he is generally happy when he finds things to make him that way
So you are by nature happy but unhappy and he is by nature miserable but happy. Weird world we live in.
Ginger1,
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive.
It's about time that a-hole pays his dues!
Agreed, but it's not even about calling him an a-hole or making him pay his dues. Think of it for your daughter's sake. It's about making sure she has the resources in life she deserves. Her clothes, haircuts, and feminine products should come before his trip to saint maarten. That also helps you, and that's alright. You're certainly been pulling the bulk of the weight for nearly a decade and a half. It's ok to ask him to contribute more (or force him by court order, if needed).
When's the last time you revisited the amount? NJ has Cost of Living Adjustments (COLA) every 2 years and federal guidelines demand a state had procedures to revisit every 3 years for inflation purposes.
I am not a L, but there are plenty of state-specific resources and calculators online about child support, and while I don't know all your detailed numbers I have a decent sense of things just based on the high level you've shared here on this forum...so I did some rough estimates and ran some numbers. You have majority custody (estimated 70/30), you have low 6 figure income (estimated $100k), his salary is lower (estimated $50-75k). That ranged anywhere from $130-200 per week on various calculators. So...you may be able to reasonably double current support.
Now, my numbers might be off and there may be other factors I don't know and I'm not L. However, I also think a judge might use a good amount of discretion if he knew you were primary for 14 years and your Ex is jetting off on tropical vacations yet not chipping in for teenage girls basic necessities past $88/week.
The point is do not sell yourself short on the $100 per month, or extra $25/wk, based on what you think he can swing or is fair for him. Get an informed opinion from a professional to use as a guide for talking to Ex. And get a more fair amount if you can. It's not just for you - it's for your daughter.
Just my $0.02.
LH- it was not my first time being intimate with him. We went on a bunch of dates. A lesson in sex Ed, not only sexual intercourse determines sexual chemistry. I did hear from
Him after. Just not in a few days. I don’t care. And in those 5 days last time, it wasn’t even uneasiness. I felt more frustrated than anything .
BL- our child support situation is tricky. What I receive now is the original ruling from our divorce. I was also paying 57% of childcare and he was paying 43% because I’m the higher earner . About a year into daycare we made an agreement that he would split daycare 50/50 and I wouldn’t revisit the child support .
But now here we are, no more camp or childcare. I am still the higher earner. He pays for her healthcare which was factored in ( now he pays for family since he’s been married. I am still the higher earner. Of course their house has 2 incomes and mine has one, but that doesn’t get figured in . I really don’t know how much more I would get.
And whatever extra I got, I would put that aside for all the extras for HER. Trips to the mall with her friends. Her womanly personal items that she doesn’t want to ask dad for. It’s going to her. Not me. I just can’t do it all.
I haven’t been sleeping despite my sleeping pill. Too much on my mind. And today is appearing to be a busy busy day at work.
Haha, when I was typing this the guy texted me
Ginger1,
our child support situation is tricky. What I receive now is the original ruling from our divorce.
Over a decade is a long time not to revisit. It's time. Just think of inflation this year alone.
I really don’t know how much more I would get.
Right. That's why you should consult with someone. Do a brief call with an L. Type up the details (incomes, custody arrangement...etc.), have it reviewed and calculated - shouldn't take them long - and get a professional estimate of what you're entitled to at this point as opposed to asking for $25 a week...you may be selling yourself short by a good bit there.
And whatever extra I got, I would put that aside for all the extras for HER. Trips to the mall with her friends. Her womanly personal items that she doesn’t want to ask dad for. It’s going to her. Not me. I just can’t do it all.
You don't have to justify yourself here. Primary parent raising her daughter for 14 years...
Hey G,
I’m going to chip in some of my experience being the step-mom and how that plays out with the child support situation. At least how it did for me.
My XH was the higher earner and we had the kids 50% of the time. His XW was single and a lower earner. She took us to mediation to get more child support after two previous times not receiving more when my XH was single. I was also told that my income as a step-mom does not come into play, but that is not entirely true. When the calculations were done, it affected the calculations by the way of his shared expenses (his expense portions decreased because I helped pay for them). So the fact that he had help with his expenses provided the court the way to allow more child support to go to his XW. So, if you have records of these trips he is taking, and you have records of your expenses thus far (along with any other records that show the weight you are pulling versus your XH), I strongly suggest you discuss it with a lawyer and pursue a child support modification. They will pull in his Ws information as well into the calculations (or at least I had to provide all my info into the process as well). In your case, you are working extra hard to do your part. In our case, his XW who was college educated but choose to work in a very low paying job, got a large increase from us because my XH and I both made a solid income (I did not graduate from college but I did work my way up to a very solid income level). In your case, you deserve to get whatever the court can calculate as fair with a fair “modification” of split based on your 70/30 time in your household.
As for the past agreement you had about daycare and 50/50 split…I don’t see how that applies anymore as your D is no longer in daycare. What has changed is the cost of raising your D has increased due to age, the inflation and costs of everything have gone up, and your child support is based on figures from who knows how long ago…all while your XH hardly contributes and goes on vacations. And you continue to struggle because you don’t want to rock the boat.
How is obtaining the support your XH should be providing rocking the boat? Instead, you are allowing him to let your ship take on water and barely float? If getting your XH to do the minimum of what is required affects your relationship with him, that is on him. How is what he is doing to you right now fair to you or your D?
And it’s never too late…our change in custody occurred when the kids were in high school. In that new agreement, you can also include any changes you want to make in regards to college. In our case, we had the kids pay 50% of their own college and the parents split the other 50%. And also put into the agreement how certain expenses over a certain amount need to be agreed upon in advance so that he just doesn’t make decisions without you on things and then send you the bill. And discuss anything else that might be missing with your L.
Sure it’s unpleasant. Sure it might cause some difficulties in dealing with your XH. But what is going on is not fair to you, you are exhausted trying to manage it all, and it’s only fair that your XH do his part…even if he is the lesser earner. This is for your D. You can remind him of that when he objects…which of course he will…he’s had it so easy for so long now.
Anyway, that is my two cents.
El
LH- it was not my first time being intimate with him. We went on a bunch of dates. A lesson in sex Ed, not only sexual intercourse determines sexual chemistry. I did hear from
Him after. Just not in a few days. I don’t care. And in those 5 days last time, it wasn’t even uneasiness. I felt more frustrated than anything .
Ahhh so a little Fellatio, Cunnilingus or perhaps hand stimulation is intimacy. Thank you for the sex ed refresher G. Now I get the sexual chemistry statement. (insert LH eyeroll) lol.
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support.
And I’d only ask for $100 more per month. He should be able to swing that.
You are still being far too generous here. Why? Why are you wanting to be nice and even fair to ex? Was he nice and fair to you? You need to be nice and fair to YOURSELF. You’ve talked forever about your financial struggles - which are both very real and I’m convinced also partly your doing. If you only ask for a $25/week increase you are again contributing to your own financial downfall.
BL42 reports a range of $130 to $200 per week. My cursory search revealed similar results. As a gross guideline, 12% of his gross salary seems to be the NJ norm. He’s currently contributing about $4,500 a year. It should be closer to $6,700 to $10,000. That’s a vast difference - even to the $5,400 you are considering asking for. While a $100/month increase might be a reasonable increase - you’ve been under paid for a dozen years and have never had an increase. You’re likely not to get another increase before D turns 18. This is your only shot. You’ve got to make it count. Think this through and get professional input. A $25/week increase is way too low and would be a huge gift to reward your exs bad behavior. Please don’t reward him. Don’t take him to the cleaners either. Just ask for what you need and for what is fair and allowed. $50/week increase minimum.
BL has 2 kids, I have one and he earns the higher salary.
I’m going to get an idea of what k should be getting and then give him the option of doing it privately or court mediated. Because he will pay me if he agrees, I’m not worried about that
How is obtaining the support your XH should be providing rocking the boat? Instead, you are allowing him to let your ship take on water and barely float? If getting your XH to do the minimum of what is required affects your relationship with him, that is on him. How is what he is doing to you right now fair to you or your D?
Ginger, it's hard to understand demanding anything less than the court deems fair, assuming your side of the aisle is clean, unless he's granting you extras like more custody, more flexible custody, paying for clubs or classes for your D, etc. E.g., I know many parents who accept more than 50% custody in return for not reporting the extra time to the courts.
Anyway, that is my two cents.
El
You posted while I was struggling to do the same on my iPad. Great comments Elbereth. I totally agree. Same with BL42. That’s 3 of us saying pretty much the same things. Please consider them G. Your nice person/don’t want to cause trouble/don’t want to fight personality may shoot up other feelings but a solid increase is very much fair. If the court provides less then they provide less. But it never hurts to ask for more - especially when “more” seems to be both warranted and fair. Start high and negotiate. It’s never good to start low.
There are absolutely no extras on his part. Only mine. Maybe the vacations, but that’s his choice . I cover everything else
My comments:
1. Find out what your state mandates for divorced couples with kid in terms of support
2. Follow the state guidelines on paper before you approach exh or the courts
at least you will then know exactly what you ought to be getting / are legally entitled to
3. figure out what you're currently spending (or what you spent in 2021) vs what you've received in support from exh. Calculate the delta.
Now you have two data points:
a. what you are entitled to
b. what you actually spent/received and the difference
Negotiate from the higher of the two. You can always come down; you cannot go up once you start.
Mach - I'm so sorry for your loss. As you know, I nursed my boyfriend through his 3 1/2 year battle with stage 4 lung cancer and he passed in December. It's so tough, but it also teaches you to live each day, right?
Ginger - sounds like you might be dating a Love Avoidant. How about just seeing him for fun and sex while continuing to look for a better match? I wish I had one of my old Love Avoidant dates available to me now. (And oddly, one just got married, one has been in a LTR with the high school GF he dumped me for, and the third has ghosted me but who knows, maybe he's in a new relationship too? So I guess even Love Avoidants can get into relationships sometimes. ) As long as you keep the mindset that he's just temporary and he's not doing enough for you, you retain the power in that relationship.
As for the rest - G, your self-talk is your worst enemy. I know it sounds goofy, but you need to be saying positive affirmations to yourself and make a vision board. Practice saying things like "I'm a f-ing ray of sunshine!" (Lol - this is what an old boyfriend told me when I was dating that first Love Avoidant guy - that I was a ray of sunshine and always was. So when Love Avoidant guy was avoiding me, I told myself "What's his problem? I'm a F-ING ray of SUNSHINE!!!!!" Sure helped my mood lolol.)
just checked your state's website G - there's even a worksheet for you to calculate #s ... check it out before you talk yourself into a super low payment. hope this helps.
pm me if you want the link
Mach - I'm so sorry for your loss. As you know, I nursed my boyfriend through his 3 1/2 year battle with stage 4 lung cancer and he passed in December. It's so tough, but it also teaches you to live each day, right?
Thanks K, and everyone else who has expressed their condolences.. Very much appreciated....
I don't know the answer to that last part for now. I'm still trying to get through each day. Day by Day, hour by hour, minute by minute....
The waves come and go out of nowhere.
Coming back here and posting is bittersweet for me. We both have ties to this place. What we are, who we are. Similar paths to find each other, yet differing still in so many ways. Her beauty, her passion, her ferocity were an inspiration to me...daily.
When I say that we 'loved' each other...I mean we LOVED each other. We set our love on fire and unfortunately, the candle burned out way too fast.
Onward I go, to still honor and love her with all of my being. Even after death we do part..
She will always be in my heart.
Sorry for the hijack G....
It still warms my heart remembering her and Baby G doing cartwheels together...: )
Wow....I post something about myself and this thread shuts down huh ?
I don't need any responses actually. I kinda felt bad tying G's thread up with my crap.
And WOW, this place has changed....it certainly isn't what I remember it being. It isn't the place that I came to all those years ago.
I saw somewhere that someone was a 'victim' of Cyberbullying .....really ?
Holy schidtcicles...
I wouldn't be where I am today without being pushed, and sometimes into a corner.
I had 2 options then....stay there and hide from myself and the hard questions....
Or face the truth within myself and come out of the corner....stronger...
I suppose that everyone is different, and not everyone reacts and interprets things the same.
I suppose it isn't much different than any other social outlet that we have today.
It's about the "likes" or the "views"...instead of it being about truth, integrity, and honor...
It feeds the massive Ego in some people. Better to be well liked than to be honest...
Kinda like...."oh, I have the answer because I read it online !!! "
Not because they have life experience to back their words. Or actually done the work on them self to KNOW the answer...
"Hey, I look good on paper...I can talk the talk, but I cannot walk the walk...."
Pfft....I deserve better from myself, for myself...
And I am fairly sure that posting here, and laying our story out here is still a choice that is made...
I do agree that there is a downtrend in new people staying around. I think that the main contributor for that though is that everything in our world had become disposable. Including our marriages...
Don't like this or that ?
Feeling hurt ? Pride hurt ?
F it....end the marriage. That will show her/him.....
Maybe that is why there is so much discussion on the online dating thing.
We can be anything we want to be online....
Yet online doesn't demand accountability from us. Only we can do that.
What has always been different about here, was that we held each other accountable in our thoughts. feelings, words, actions....etc...
Anywoo....that's my .02
G....
You doing anything fun for this holiday weekend ???
Been away on a brief road trip with my sister so late to the party as usual.
Mach - So, so sorry to hear of your loss. The love you shared sounds amazing. Something many of us will never experience so I know that you know how blessed you were to have her…even if it was only for a short time. Big (((HUGS))).
G - Your ex sold his motorcycle so he could go on a vacation by himself?? Hmmm… he sounds very much like my ex who sold the car he had been rebuilding so he could fund his affair. He knew I would consider the proceeds to be his money (especially because he told me he was going to use it to rebuild his army truck) so he could keep it outside of my purview and use it to do whatever he wanted. Your ex is up to his old tricks for sure!! When he returns, ask to see some pictures and see what he shows you. My ex took a solo trip (long story and another epic lie - not current OW but for sure an earlier one) and I saw two pictures. One was an underwater one of him scuba diving and one was a selfie that he texted me from the cruise ship terminal (probably to prove that he was there). Can you believe he brought me a little snow globe home from that trip? I still have it. Whenever I look at it, I am reminded of what a sh!tty human being he is.
RE: child support. You really just need to do the child support calculator and ask for that amount. My ex and I make the same amount of money so we only share large expenses 50/50. He also has them 50% of the time. If he didn’t, you can bet I would be getting extra money out of him. Fair is fair. Honestly…it is really crappy of him to make you go through this. He should be doing the calculator himself and making sure you have the extra money. The daycare deal no longer applies. When your daughter was younger, that was the big expense. It has been replaced by the bigger expense of just being a teenage girl. Do not feel bad about rocking the boat Ginger. If he was a better human being, you wouldn’t have to. (((HUGS)))
I saw somewhere that someone was a 'victim' of Cyberbullying .....really ?
That's the new thing here Mach you say something someone doesn't like and you are bully them. Then you get muted or told you are a troll. You can't have hook ups on here because of course that is immoral. You can't have more than one drink because of course if you do you are an alcoholic. The powers that be are running a tight ship around here so you better tread lightly lol.
Mach you and I had a discussion recently that came in hot, but I think it's safe to say worked out well in the end with each of us having a better understanding of where the other was coming from??
Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the norm any longer.
P.S. Had a conversation yesterday and one of the big items on my 4th step list came up ... I was able to talk about it without having any feelings get stirred up. Safe to say that dragon's been slayed. I've forgiven both myself and my ex for that big issue. Nice to have that one in the rear view mirror. Thanks for your help with that. It reinforced the work I was doing.
I saw somewhere that someone was a 'victim' of Cyberbullying .....really ?
That's the new thing here Mach you say something someone doesn't like and you are bully them. Then you get muted or told you are a troll. You can't have hook ups on here because of course that is immoral. You can't have more than one drink because of course if you do you are an alcoholic. The powers that be are running a tight ship around here so you better tread lightly lol.
Well.......I've been banned before....: )
The only person that I have to fear, is myself...
Certainly not afraid of a 'boat' trip...eh Cadet ?
I haven't been banned yet but.........
And WOW, this place has changed....it certainly isn't what I remember it being. It isn't the place that I came to all those years ago.
I saw somewhere that someone was a 'victim' of Cyberbullying .....really ?
Sadly it’s not just here - it’s become the new way of our dumbed down, woke world. You cannot dare challenge the “experts” and if you do they don’t argue their point, they call you racist or just remove your posts saying you are wrong, we fact checked it ourselves and say you are. So all you can do is wait a few years until pretty much every single thing they claimed or predicted or did has been proven wrong. Oh but then they just quietly move in saying the “science has changed” Ba ha ha ha.
Holy schidtcicles...
I wouldn't be where I am today without being pushed, and sometimes into a corner.
What has always been different about here, was that we held each other accountable in our thoughts. feelings, words, actions....etc...
Again it’s not just here. Colleges used to be built on challenging statements with vigorous debate and actual diverse opinions. Now if you challenge someone, you’re a bully or mean and they need protection from your micro-aggressions or a safe space or an emotional support animal. Had SNL ran a skit like this 20 or 30 years ago it would have been considered wildly funny and certainly satire. Now it’s daily reality.
But just to be clear, when LH references “the powers that be” this in no way holds true for the mods here - not at all. It’s those who can’t defend their actions or viewpoint so instead take their ball, go home and claim they won, cheered on by others with their heads stuck in the sand.
They very best way to grow is by standing up to scrutiny. The way medicine has always grown was through strong challenge of its standards. Now challenging the standards gets a physician or nurse fired. Challenging someone online gets you banned.
The point is, yes this place has drastically changed since I first arrived in 2005. But only to be a microcosm of the rest of the world.
And WOW, this place has changed....it certainly isn't what I remember it being. It isn't the place that I came to all those years ago.
I saw somewhere that someone was a 'victim' of Cyberbullying .....really ?
Sadly it’s not just here - it’s become the new way of our dumbed down, woke world. You cannot dare challenge the “experts” and if you do they don’t argue their point, they call you racist or just remove your posts saying you are wrong, we fact checked it ourselves and say you are. So all you can do is wait a few years until pretty much every single thing they claimed or predicted or did has been proven wrong. Oh but then they just quietly move in saying the “science has changed” Ba ha ha ha.
Holy schidtcicles...
I wouldn't be where I am today without being pushed, and sometimes into a corner.
What has always been different about here, was that we held each other accountable in our thoughts. feelings, words, actions....etc...
Again it’s not just here. Colleges used to be built on challenging statements with vigorous debate and actual diverse opinions. Now if you challenge someone, you’re a bully or mean and they need protection from your micro-aggressions or a safe space or an emotional support animal. Had SNL ran a skit like this 20 or 30 years ago it would have been considered wildly funny and certainly satire. Now it’s daily reality.
But just to be clear, when LH references “the powers that be” this in no way holds true for the mods here - not at all. It’s those who can’t defend their actions or viewpoint so instead take their ball, go home and claim they won, cheered on by others with their heads stuck in the sand.
They very best way to grow is by standing up to scrutiny. The way medicine has always grown was through strong challenge of its standards. Now challenging the standards gets a physician or nurse fired. Challenging someone online gets you banned.
The point is, yes this place has drastically changed since I first arrived in 2005. But only to be a microcosm of the rest of the world.
Gotcha....
So Unicorns and Puppy dogs for all....
And to quote a good friend from here.....
Sorry that I am all fluffy today, I just shchidt out a rainbow.....
Case in point Mach we have a walk away on here who said his D was what was best for him and his kids. I asked him if he ever asked his kids if his D was best for them. He called me a bully and than blocked me.
Well, so much action going on over here! Read along a little bit couldn’t really reply.
I have had probably the worst 3 days in my position in the last 4 years. Extremely challenging cases that requires tons of work, lots of pressure from families and doctors and very long hours that weren’t paid for past 7.5 per day. I literally cried last night I was so stressed. I did have a patient’s family say the nicest things to me, and then my coworker heard it and gave me a shout on social media. That was nice. Then yesterday, my new supervisor (the job I didn’t get) had a big issue she didn’t know how to solve. She came to me, I walked her through it and did some leg work and guess what. It got solved. She was very kind enough to give me a big shout out on our huddle this morning. I was taking D and her friend to a movie after work and I almost wasn’t going to make it. A doctor pushed an issue off on me as I was walking out the door. I tried my best, but I told him he had to take care of it when I couldn’t. I do not get paid enough for this poop. I managed to pick them up in time for the movie . Now get this, she went to go see fireworks with her cousins, her grandmother, and her grandfathers current wife, lol. I’m just trying to relax for a bit, but I’m still wound up.
I read every post and took some notes on the child support. I’m not going to be nice, I’m not going to be mean, I’m just going to do my research and get my fair share. I really need it. When she told me today that all the clothes she is packing for her trip are from my house because she has nothing at my dads, I was really in my head “that’s enough” she asked me to drive to the mall so she can meet her friend Sunday, I told her fine, but I’m not giving her a dime . I also signed up to sell my plasma. A single
Mom coworker told me about it. It’s good money and relatively easy! I can make $300 in the first week, then $50 per donation, which I can do every 3 days. Not too bad.
She told me how she also signs up for those bank offers where you open and account and they will give you a few hundred, then she cancels them in 3 months after they give her the money. [censored] that I work so hard and it comes to this, but I gotta do why I gotta do.
As far as the guy, we texted Wednesday, he reached out to me, no plans made and again, I haven’t heard from him. It doesn’t bother me like it did the last time . Been chatting a little with a guy I have known for years, my friends husbands friends. We tried to date like 8 years ago, but he had dreams of starting his own family and while I was still game for more kids, he didn’t want someone else’s kids. He wanted everything fresh and new. Then we tried again in 2020, went on a few dates. But we were both stubborn arses being burned so many times that both were wanting the other one to kind of prove themselves of not being flaky. I admit, I probably was the worst. We have chatted on and off and a little more on recently. Got a bit flirty. He’s leaving for Egypt for 2 weeks this weekend but we we talked of getting together when he gets back. 48 I think he is. And he never got married and never had those kids. He’s quite single, he makes a really good living, owns a house and travels and has a hobby he really likes and that’s been his life. He dates, but he is sick of the OLD thing too. We will see, not holding my breath there either .
As far as these boards. Mach nailed it. There was a time you came here and got nothing but the truth. But that truth was meant to help push you along and not keep you stuck and really dig deep. The turn these boards made is not that it is harsh. It’s that it’s mostly validation centered and the tough love truth isn’t welcomed anymore . If it wasnot for what this place was, god knows where I would be now. If it wasn’t for my wonderful , IRL DB friends like Mach, his beloved K, and others . Lord only knows.
I remember K and little G doing cartwheels in the backyard and K’s very impressive handstands! Good memories of good times and good friends.
My ex yesterday had the cojones to ask if I would split the cost of apple care for D’s phone. After he comes back from his expensive vacation and heads off to his next.
I told him I currently have $0 which is absolutely true.
I’m done
Ginger1,
Then yesterday, my new supervisor (the job I didn’t get) had a big issue she didn’t know how to solve. She came to me, I walked her through it and did some leg work and guess what. It got solved. She was very kind enough to give me a big shout out on our huddle this morning.
I bet it's frustrating to be passed over and then have your new supervisor rely on you for the solution, but good for you for taking the high road and being a team player.
I read every post and took some notes on the child support. I’m not going to be nice, I’m not going to be mean, I’m just going to do my research and get my fair share. I really need it.
Good! Stand up for your daughter and yourself. Time for him to pay his fair share.
You know your numbers (incomes, custody %s...etc.) more than us - type those into one of many online child support calculators for NJ and it should give you a very good target. Even better consult an L or two. If Ex then refuses doesn't want to pay what's fair file a motion for review. I almost guarantee a judge is going to be sympathetic to your case more than ExHs. Your ExH is crazy if he thinks a child support hearing would end well for him as compared to the current situation or what you'll propose. That's your leverage.
I also signed up to sell my plasma.
Sell your plasma if you so choose, but you shouldn't
have to...make your ExH chip in his fair share!
She told me how she also signs up for those bank offers where you open and account and they will give you a few hundred, then she cancels them in 3 months after they give her the money.
I do this - more with credit cards for the rewards - not out of necessity but because why not it's free money. I laugh at the in-store credit card offers to "save 10% on your purchase today" when I know the card reward bonuses I can get are $500-1000 per. Makes $15 off a store purchase seem ridiculous.
My ex yesterday had the cojones to ask if I would split the cost of apple care for D’s phone. After he comes back from his expensive vacation and heads off to his next.
I told him I currently have $0 which is absolutely true.
I’m done
Time to take action!
As far as these boards. Mach nailed it. There was a time you came here and got nothing but the truth. But that truth was meant to help push you along and not keep you stuck and really dig deep. The turn these boards made is not that it is harsh. It’s that it’s mostly validation centered and the tough love truth isn’t welcomed anymore.
Some comments I've received or witnessed have born far more resemblance to personal attacks than validation or loving attempts to tell tough "truths" (opinions). Setting aside those who are mean-spirited, I think on the Internet some are quicker to assume they know TheTruth and BeBlunt than they'd be with an acquaintance recounting a tough time in-person. That's maybe par for the Internet, but it's not "tough love". Tough love requires compassion. "Would I assume and say this in-person?" My $0.02 for those trying to help others. I get those who have given up on these forums. I miss AnotherStander; he gave me and others the most amazing advice in Newcomers. I'm still here, doing what I can to help the occasional Newcomers.
As far as these boards. Mach nailed it. There was a time you came here and got nothing but the truth. But that truth was meant to help push you along and not keep you stuck and really dig deep. The turn these boards made is not that it is harsh. It’s that it’s mostly validation centered and the tough love truth isn’t welcomed anymore.
Some comments I've received or witnessed have born far more resemblance to personal attacks than validation or loving attempts to tell tough "truths" (opinions). Setting aside those who are mean-spirited, I think on the Internet some are quicker to assume they know TheTruth and BeBlunt than they'd be with an acquaintance recounting a tough time in-person. That's maybe par for the Internet, but it's not "tough love". Tough love requires compassion. "Would I assume and say this in-person?" My $0.02 for those trying to help others. I get those who have given up on these forums. I miss AnotherStander; he gave me and others the most amazing advice in Newcomers. I'm still here, doing what I can to help the occasional Newcomers.
I can certainly say that I don't agree with you, but hey, whatever....
You are certainly entitled to your opinion...
Just so ya know....I have looked G in the eyes and told her the same things that I would post to her...
I would do that with any person that sits with me and asks me what I think. I owe that to them.
It is their choice what they do with that information. I have seen people grow and learn from it...and I have seen people that take their toys from the sandbox and go home....
The ones that have chosen to "hear" it, are some of the most amazing, self aware, genuine people that I have had the pleasure of calling a friend...
"The truth" , I personally would rather have 3 people telling me what they saw in my situation , be it harsh, be it truthful, be it hard to hear.....than I would to have 50 people giving me a participation trophy, and patting me on the back and saying "It's okay, I'm sorry".....
I have nothing to learn from, when I get the ribbon for just showing up...
One of the beautiful things from CHOOSING to post here, is that we take what we need, and discard the rest.
We look closely at the things that shoot those little stings up the back of our neck, because those are the things that typically, we do not like about our self.
If it stings ? You better look at it...
Compassion is as varied as the interpreter perceives it. Compassion to me means something different than it does to you if I am reading you correctly.
Compassion to me means that people care enough about what I am going through, or what they see in me, to help me through something. I get to choose how, and why that affects me, but their intentions are good, and pure.
Compassion is caring enough to be involved, and trying to make a difference....
Being involved, had always been the foundation that these boards were built on....
Compassion and truth were the bricks and mortar...
And of course. there was occasionally a sandbox, void of its toys, in the backyard....
If it stings ? You better look at it...
TRUTH
If it stings ? You better look at it...
TRUTH
Hey bubba....
Miss you and the other one....
Give her hugs from me when you see her....
If it stings ? You better look at it...
TRUTH
Hey bubba....
Miss you and the other one....
Give her hugs from me when you see her....
Done - let us know if do something up this way.
Case in point Mach we have a walk away on here who said his D was what was best for him and his kids. I asked him if he ever asked his kids if his D was best for them. He called me a bully and than blocked me.
OMG...I am sooo sorry that you had to deal with that.....
(((((((((smooches)))))))))
Pffft.....
Get over it cupcake....
Case in point Mach we have a walk away on here who said his D was what was best for him and his kids. I asked him if he ever asked his kids if his D was best for them. He called me a bully and than blocked me.
OMG...I am sooo sorry that you had to deal with that.....
(((((((((smooches)))))))))
Pffft.....
Get over it cupcake....
Lol. I'll get over it and I'll keep firing away.
As far as these boards. Mach nailed it. There was a time you came here and got nothing but the truth. But that truth was meant to help push you along and not keep you stuck and really dig deep. The turn these boards made is not that it is harsh. It’s that it’s mostly validation centered and the tough love truth isn’t welcomed anymore.
Some comments I've received or witnessed have born far more resemblance to personal attacks than validation or loving attempts to tell tough "truths" (opinions). Setting aside those who are mean-spirited, I think on the Internet some are quicker to assume they know TheTruth and BeBlunt than they'd be with an acquaintance recounting a tough time in-person. That's maybe par for the Internet, but it's not "tough love". Tough love requires compassion. "Would I assume and say this in-person?" My $0.02 for those trying to help others. I get those who have given up on these forums. I miss AnotherStander; he gave me and others the most amazing advice in Newcomers. I'm still here, doing what I can to help the occasional Newcomers.
I can certainly say that I don't agree with you, but hey, whatever....
You are certainly entitled to your opinion...
Just so ya know....I have looked G in the eyes and told her the same things that I would post to her...
I would do that with any person that sits with me and asks me what I think. I owe that to them.
It is their choice what they do with that information. I have seen people grow and learn from it...and I have seen people that take their toys from the sandbox and go home....
The ones that have chosen to "hear" it, are some of the most amazing, self aware, genuine people that I have had the pleasure of calling a friend...
"The truth" , I personally would rather have 3 people telling me what they saw in my situation , be it harsh, be it truthful, be it hard to hear.....than I would to have 50 people giving me a participation trophy, and patting me on the back and saying "It's okay, I'm sorry".....
I have nothing to learn from, when I get the ribbon for just showing up...
One of the beautiful things from CHOOSING to post here, is that we take what we need, and discard the rest.
We look closely at the things that shoot those little stings up the back of our neck, because those are the things that typically, we do not like about our self.
If it stings ? You better look at it...
Compassion is as varied as the interpreter perceives it. Compassion to me means something different than it does to you if I am reading you correctly.
Compassion to me means that people care enough about what I am going through, or what they see in me, to help me through something. I get to choose how, and why that affects me, but their intentions are good, and pure.
Compassion is caring enough to be involved, and trying to make a difference....
Being involved, had always been the foundation that these boards were built on....
Compassion and truth were the bricks and mortar...
And of course. there was occasionally a sandbox, void of its toys, in the backyard....
Yeah now the board consists of people posting their chores and wanting attaboys from everyone.
Lol. I'll get over it and I'll keep firing away.
Sometimes your time might be better spent on someone that will listen.
Lol. I'll get over it and I'll keep firing away.
Sometimes your time might be better spent on someone that will listen.
You mean to sit back, self evaluate, make changes that actually work, and become a better person because of constructive criticism ??
Holy Schitdtballs Batman !!!!
What a concept !!!
Someone should start an online forum with this concept to help people in marriage crisis...
Oh snap....nevermind...
Well, I have been living inside of a pressure cooker lately. Work has been awful. Luckily today is my last day before I have 5 off. I need it before I lose my cool at work, lol. Everyone knows I rarely ever lose my cool . But im getting there , so this is coming at a good time.
I don’t know who remembers the poison Ivy debacle of 2020, but basically I have a very odd reaction to poison Ivy. And quite the awful reaction. I will get some on my arm, obvious poison Ivy. A week after that, my body starts breaking out into a rash which is bumpy blisters. It slowly keep popping up on various body parts. The last time it was in my groin and I wanted to die.
Guess what. It happened again. Luckily it has not entered my nether regions. It’s on my right forearm, right thigh and right trunk. And a little on my left thigh. I’m freaking out and I am really trying to stop it from spreading more. It’s just the strangest reaction. And it’s ugly and miserably itchy. So that isn’t helping right now.
Then I completed the 28 day intro package at my gym. When I signed up, I said to the owner, I need to know there are reasonable prices after I finish because I don’t want to start something , love it and not financially be able to continue. Well, the trainer I usually work with went over the packages with me ( my into is over) last class and I almost died. I looked him dead inside the eye and said “ these are the affordable packages he said there were ? Affordable to to whose who make 200k a year maybe!” I said I would have to think about . I’m am so sad, because this is the ONE THING that is staving off a full on nervous breakdown. The one thing I enjoy so much. The one thing that I look forward too. I am probably going to take the minimal package ( which is still an arm and a leg and only offers my favorite class once a week)
I was offered a position at my second job every 4 th Sunday. It’s a 10 hour position as ED car manager. I didn’t really want it. But I figure I can take it and it will more than pay for the gym membership. It’s only once a month.
My dad and I got in a tiff yesterday. And it upset my daughter. She knows I’ve been tense lately and I think she is finally seeing all I keep together and do to make this life a good one. I was looking forward to go to my dads Sunday to Monday to bike and beach . He has a problem with his car trunk so he cancelled on me. I said “I’m coming to you, why dows it matter if they trunk is getting fixed?” He gets mad at me, he says he has too much to do and it’s not always about me and I he does everything for me and just keeps going on. I got mad and hung up the phone. Honestly, o can’t remember the last time something was about ME. And when he says he does everything for me, I almost died. I do everything for me ! Nobody else does for me! He paid for somethings to get done in my house. Because he wanted to. Not because I asked. Whenever I spend time with them they are always complaining about their family and friends and judging the crap out of them. They are 2 single retired people ( both who retired in their 50’s) and have money and live quite the dreamy life. Which is fine. But they pass a lot of judgement on those who don’t make the decisions they do. They are the only ones who ever do anything right . Anyways, D was upset I was upset and texted him “I hate when my mom cries) well, my dad hates my daughter being upset with him. He texts me “ so now my granddaughter is mad at me ?” I texted back no. He texts to me and my daighter “ I’m sorry, please come Sunday” I did t response for a bit and he says “pleeeeeeaze” I know he only apologized because he doesn’t want my daughter to be mad at him.
It’s so obvious the reason why I depend on no one and I am overly independent . I don’t trust anyone to “take care of me “ or do anything from the goodness of their heart. My dad has been telling me I can come anytime k was, especially during the week . One time and he cancels and then tells me I only think of myself . Why would I ever trust anyone ? This man is convinced he does everything for me. I ask for absolutely nothing at all. Ever. Just to come by on my few days off. He has no clue what I’ve been going through. And I never share with him because he automatically invalidates my feelings. So when he asks how I am doing , I say “fine”
Thanks for listening to the ramble of yiu made it through. D is going to her dads today and leaving for her family vacation tomorrow . Family as In her dad and her stepmothers family. They are staying in a beautiful air bnb in PR she showed me. We packed together last night. She said she will text every day and call 3 times and take me on a FaceTime tour of the place. She said to me again last night “ I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am you and dad get along so well. Most divorced parents hate eachother” I did explain not many have been divorced as long as we have been and it’s still kind of raw and painful for other parents. But me and your dad have a common goal and that is to raise you happy and healthy” and she gave me a hug. She’s a solid kiddo . I did a decent job there. Im going to miss her when she goes to college . We are actually like buddies . This is the age they drift, but likes to spend time with me and talk with me and I’m so grateful for that. .
Oh, In the dating front. I have a date tomorrow . I signed back onto bumble ( I didn’t say I quit it, so don’t go jumping down my throat you know who). As far as the other guy goes, we had a candid convo. He doesn’t want a relationship . I can’t explain, but he is a sweetheart but says things that would sound dicky coming from anyone else. He apologized for acting more like a friend. He told me he is kn a place in his life where he doesn’t want to tell someone what they are doing on a Saturday or “check in” he says I’m great, we have a great connection and a fun time together and doesn’t want to lose that either. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, he went on vacay with the kids and we were going to talk when he gets back. I don’t reach out to him and they guy who doesn’t want to check in is sending me pics from his vacation. Predictable sometimes
Way too long. But a healthy journal for me. Off to get this Friday over with
Well, I have been living inside of a pressure cooker lately. Work has been awful. Luckily today is my last day before I have 5 off. I need it before I lose my cool at work, lol. Everyone knows I rarely ever lose my cool . But im getting there , so this is coming at a good time.
I don’t know who remembers the poison Ivy debacle of 2020, but basically I have a very odd reaction to poison Ivy. And quite the awful reaction. I will get some on my arm, obvious poison Ivy. A week after that, my body starts breaking out into a rash which is bumpy blisters. It slowly keep popping up on various body parts. The last time it was in my groin and I wanted to die.
Guess what. It happened again. Luckily it has not entered my nether regions. It’s on my right forearm, right thigh and right trunk. And a little on my left thigh. I’m freaking out and I am really trying to stop it from spreading more. It’s just the strangest reaction. And it’s ugly and miserably itchy. So that isn’t helping right now.
Then I completed the 28 day intro package at my gym. When I signed up, I said to the owner, I need to know there are reasonable prices after I finish because I don’t want to start something , love it and not financially be able to continue. Well, the trainer I usually work with went over the packages with me ( my into is over) last class and I almost died. I looked him dead inside the eye and said “ these are the affordable packages he said there were ? Affordable to to whose who make 200k a year maybe!” I said I would have to think about . I’m am so sad, because this is the ONE THING that is staving off a full on nervous breakdown. The one thing I enjoy so much. The one thing that I look forward too. I am probably going to take the minimal package ( which is still an arm and a leg and only offers my favorite class once a week)
I was offered a position at my second job every 4 th Sunday. It’s a 10 hour position as ED car manager. I didn’t really want it. But I figure I can take it and it will more than pay for the gym membership. It’s only once a month.
My dad and I got in a tiff yesterday. And it upset my daughter. She knows I’ve been tense lately and I think she is finally seeing all I keep together and do to make this life a good one. I was looking forward to go to my dads Sunday to Monday to bike and beach . He has a problem with his car trunk so he cancelled on me. I said “I’m coming to you, why dows it matter if they trunk is getting fixed?” He gets mad at me, he says he has too much to do and it’s not always about me and I he does everything for me and just keeps going on. I got mad and hung up the phone. Honestly, o can’t remember the last time something was about ME. And when he says he does everything for me, I almost died. I do everything for me ! Nobody else does for me! He paid for somethings to get done in my house. Because he wanted to. Not because I asked. Whenever I spend time with them they are always complaining about their family and friends and judging the crap out of them. They are 2 single retired people ( both who retired in their 50’s) and have money and live quite the dreamy life. Which is fine. But they pass a lot of judgement on those who don’t make the decisions they do. They are the only ones who ever do anything right . Anyways, D was upset I was upset and texted him “I hate when my mom cries) well, my dad hates my daughter being upset with him. He texts me “ so now my granddaughter is mad at me ?” I texted back no. He texts to me and my daighter “ I’m sorry, please come Sunday” I did t response for a bit and he says “pleeeeeeaze” I know he only apologized because he doesn’t want my daughter to be mad at him.
It’s so obvious the reason why I depend on no one and I am overly independent . I don’t trust anyone to “take care of me “ or do anything from the goodness of their heart. My dad has been telling me I can come anytime k was, especially during the week . One time and he cancels and then tells me I only think of myself . Why would I ever trust anyone ? This man is convinced he does everything for me. I ask for absolutely nothing at all. Ever. Just to come by on my few days off. He has no clue what I’ve been going through. And I never share with him because he automatically invalidates my feelings. So when he asks how I am doing , I say “fine”
Thanks for listening to the ramble of yiu made it through. D is going to her dads today and leaving for her family vacation tomorrow . Family as In her dad and her stepmothers family. They are staying in a beautiful air bnb in PR she showed me. We packed together last night. She said she will text every day and call 3 times and take me on a FaceTime tour of the place. She said to me again last night “ I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am you and dad get along so well. Most divorced parents hate eachother” I did explain not many have been divorced as long as we have been and it’s still kind of raw and painful for other parents. But me and your dad have a common goal and that is to raise you happy and healthy” and she gave me a hug. She’s a solid kiddo . I did a decent job there. Im going to miss her when she goes to college . We are actually like buddies . This is the age they drift, but likes to spend time with me and talk with me and I’m so grateful for that. .
Oh, In the dating front. I have a date tomorrow . I signed back onto bumble ( I didn’t say I quit it, so don’t go jumping down my throat you know who). As far as the other guy goes, we had a candid convo. He doesn’t want a relationship . I can’t explain, but he is a sweetheart but says things that would sound dicky coming from anyone else. He apologized for acting more like a friend. He told me he is kn a place in his life where he doesn’t want to tell someone what they are doing on a Saturday or “check in” he says I’m great, we have a great connection and a fun time together and doesn’t want to lose that either. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, he went on vacay with the kids and we were going to talk when he gets back. I don’t reach out to him and they guy who doesn’t want to check in is sending me pics from his vacation. Predictable sometimes
Way too long. But a healthy journal for me. Off to get this Friday over with
Sometimes G......
You put way too much pressure on yourself....
Give Baby G a hug from me. She really is a great kiddo....
And I wonder why ???
Nope.
She's got a pretty good Mama
G - I just want to validate, no, your dad isn’t what one might hope for from a father. It’s sad, but you just have to accept that he’s a limited person and this is what you’ve got. Continuing to hope for different from him is what hurts you.
As for the first guy - he’s a Love Avoidant, no need to expect anything more from him, so I’m glad you have a new date coming up. Fingers crossed.
And the poison ivy - have you started oral steroids? I wouldn’t wait given the severity last time. (((Hug)))
(PS for the men reading along - when you date that competent independent woman, remember the way to her heart is probably through giving her support. That’s actually what drew me to crazy ExBF - he had his numerous flaws, but he brought me coffee in bed, rubbed my feet at night, and when faced with serious problems involving one of my kids, he held me and reassured me that it would be okay. )
That’s actually what drew me to crazy ExBF - he had his numerous flaws, but he brought me coffee in bed, rubbed my feet at night, and when faced with serious problems involving one of my kids, he held me and reassured me that it would be okay. )
Spit my coffee!
G
I meant to write this last week but only just got to it. It must feel very unfair that things have seemed to have worked out for XH and you have been struggling on many fronts for a long time. I can totally understand that feeling of unfairness, although 2 years doesn't quite compare to 14.
I'm not sure if I've told this story on here before, but my parents split when I was 9 months old, leaving my Mum single with 4 kids on a public school teacher's wage. My Dad never really paid enough child support (perhaps he couldn't afford it, I'm not sure) but he remarried 5 years later and life seemed pretty good for him too. How my Mum did it for all those years, I have no idea.
When I was 15 she met a great guy, who she married and is now my stepdad. They've been married since 1997 and seem completely happy and life is good for them. But what she has told me, that even if she hadn't have met him she would have been happy and at peace in her life with the knowledge that she struggled through and saw her kids be successful in life, thanks to her efforts.
I know life must seem unfair and hard but I do believe that things work out for good people such as yourself. And for these good things to happen we just need to keep believing that they will and make ourselves open to it. I always think about this Italian cartoon I once saw, then saw it adapted for American usage:
A man is at the Lincoln Memorial begging and pleading to win the lottery. Lincoln replies 'please, please, please buy a lotto ticket'.
OB, thanks so much for sharing that. If anything in this world, I absolutely can be at peace that my daughter is happy and healthy and also saw how a strong woman survives and thrives.
Staycation has been going well. Saturday my friend scored tickets to brew at the zoo which is a beer fest at the zoo. I always wanted to go and we had so much fun. Sunday I ended up going to my dads and stepmoms. He did actually mean his apology. However, when both of them got me without the other one around, they went on and on complaining about the other. My stepmother said he was really off when he told me no, and she said that she told him I’m not a guest and I’m family and he shouldn’t have said no. She went on and to complain about how my dad is being super cheap all of a sudden and I guess even more particular ( he already is a particular man) and he’s driving her nuts. Then my dad complains to me how she spends too much and thinks they have all this money hit they don’t . They are both retired. Spend tons of time together and I think it’s wearing them down.
Anyhoo, beautiful weather . I got 2 beach days and a bike ride . Im finally decompressing and it feels good. Today I have to get dental work which stinks.
My daughter on the other hand hates Puerto Rico and can’t wait to come home . And I get it. They have an air BNB which looks beautiful, but is very buggy apparently. And there are huge lizards hanging out at the pool. They tried to go to the beach yesterday and it was a “bust” she is there with her dad and his wife, and her parents. Not the most fun crew. She called me crying from her room saying she doesn’t want to sound like a spoiled brat or ungrateful but she really doesn’t like it there and wants to come home . I validated her and told her before she knows it she will be home .
My weirdo rash is not clearing up. I refuse to take steroids because when I did the first time , it messed everything up, I gained a whole bunch of weight I couldn’t lose until I saw the doctor. I’m not doing that again. Hopefully soon it decides to go away. It’s not spreading anymore, the stuff that is there just won’t go away. It’s ugly.
I had a date last night that went really well. Unfortunately he is also in the divorce process. I finally find a hockey player who worked for my team and is a huge fan of my team, and the timing is off. We had a 3 hour date and the conversation never died . He comes from a good family, parents still together. A younger sister who shares my name and even got married where I did, lol. He’s close with his brother . He’s got a great job and closes on a townhome this week in a well to do area. But that stupid timing . Story of my life. We did kiss and it was wow. And he did the sweetest thing before we parted ways. He kissed me on the forehead. No one has done that in I can’t tell you how long .
Oh well, odd to the gym and then the dentist
I had a date last night that went really well. Unfortunately he is also in the divorce process. I finally find a hockey player who worked for my team and is a huge fan of my team, and the timing is off. We had a 3 hour date and the conversation never died . He comes from a good family, parents still together. A younger sister who shares my name and even got married where I did, lol. He’s close with his brother . He’s got a great job and closes on a townhome this week in a well to do area. But that stupid timing . Story of my life. We did kiss and it was wow.
Sounds like a really handsome man. So did you know he was separated before you made the date?
And he did the sweetest thing before we parted ways. He kissed me on the forehead. No one has done that in I can’t tell you how long .
Hmmm. I will have to add that to my repertoire.
I had a date last night that went really well. Unfortunately he is also in the divorce process. I finally find a hockey player who worked for my team and is a huge fan of my team, and the timing is off. We had a 3 hour date and the conversation never died . He comes from a good family, parents still together. A younger sister who shares my name and even got married where I did, lol. He’s close with his brother . He’s got a great job and closes on a townhome this week in a well to do area. But that stupid timing . Story of my life. We did kiss and it was wow.
Sounds like a really handsome man. So did you know he was separated before you made the date?
And he did the sweetest thing before we parted ways. He kissed me on the forehead. No one has done that in I can’t tell you how long .
Hmmm. I will have to add that to my repertoire.
Yes, he is quite handsome. And a great dresser too.
I did know he was separated. Violating my rules again
So do you look at it as success or failure?
Got out of house and had good convo and a great kiss...
or
[censored] because I met a potentially great guy who is emotionally unavailable.
Oh, I had a great time. We went to a nice restaurant, had drinks and dinner with appetizers! Even asked if I wanted dessert or coffee.
A little bit of both . Good time, likely emotionally unavailable.
We got another date on Thursday
Oh, I had a great time. We went to a nice restaurant, had drinks and dinner with appetizers! Even asked if I wanted dessert or coffee.
Nice!
Good time, likely emotionally unavailable.
He's definitely not emotionally available. You know this.
We got another date on Thursday
Warp speed!
Good time, likely emotionally unavailable.
We got another date on Thursday
You have a man that is separated, emotionally unavailable and is likely only looking for a short term physical relationship. Do you see what the outcome of this is likely to be and are you fine with it? If not, why are you going on a second date , let alone this quickly?
I wouldn't assume he's emotionally unavailable. How long has he been separated? Do you know anything about his divorce?
Yes, it's risky. But there's separated, and then there's separated. What matters is if he's really done with his ex or not. If he seems this good, you can at least invest the time to find out more, right?
But there's separated, and then there's separated.
No, there is only separated. He is a legally married man, who is separated from his wife and not divorced yet. A BMW and Honda may not be the same but they are still both cars and won't get you to Hawaii from NJ
What matters is if he's really done with his ex or not.
He may be done with his ex but he may need time to heal from his D. The statistics on rebound relationships are fairly well known.
If he seems this good, you can at least invest the time to find out more, right?
Is he really good when you consider all factors? He seems to be good looking and wealthy. Is his high status leading to him being viewed through rose tinted glasses?
I don't know enough to judge him, so I could be wrong but these are questions that should be considered.
I wouldn't assume he's emotionally unavailable. How long has he been separated? Do you know anything about his divorce?
Yes, it's risky. But there's separated, and then there's separated. What matters is if he's really done with his ex or not. If he seems this good, you can at least invest the time to find out more, right?
Good Advice
MLCxH,
No, there is only separated. He is a legally married man, who is separated from his wife and not divorced yet.
I'm with you on the "still married" thing, but also separated two weeks with tons of mixed emotions is a lot different than separated 10 years and not D'd just because insurance / finances are more favorable. There's a middle point in there.
He may be done with his ex but he may need time to heal from his D. The statistics on rebound relationships are fairly well known.
Not saying she should date him - you make a good point which should be considered - but Ginger and I (and others here) have had our Exs last a long time with their affair partners. Those stats always seem a bit unfair to us.
LH19,
And he did the sweetest thing before we parted ways. He kissed me on the forehead. No one has done that in I can’t tell you how long.
Hmmm. I will have to add that to my repertoire.
Haha, lots of good lessons to learn here on the boards!
LH19,
And he did the sweetest thing before we parted ways. He kissed me on the forehead. No one has done that in I can’t tell you how long.
Hmmm. I will have to add that to my repertoire.
Haha, lots of good lessons to learn here on the boards!
Here's another lesson:
For a kiss on the forehead to have any value or meaning it should be from the heart, NOT PART OF AN EFFING REPERTOIRE!
Cheese n Rice that comment frosts my cookies. THIS is PART OF THE EFFING PROBLEM.
DROP THE EFFING STATS
STOP TRYING TO USE YOUR LEFT BRAIN TO ANALYZE A FREAKING EMOTION LIKE LOVE
STOP STOCKPILING THINGS FOR A REPERTOIRE TO UP YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING ACTION.
It's So EFFING offensive.
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving. BUT I had been DBing my marriage for years, had reconciled once before, my ex was a three time offender, and I was completely sure that I would never take hm back under ANY circumstances. I was done and really healed at that time - I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for my marriage, and peace that I did not want him back. Just because it took another year to complete the legal process of a divorce, I was more than ready to date and I did.
Some people's divorce drag out for a long time for reasons other than attachment. And some people went through the necessary emotional process before their ex left. I'm not saying it's common, necessarily - and it's a reason why you have to assess whether someone is truly done with their marriage or not.
STOP TRYING TO USE YOUR LEFT BRAIN TO ANALYZE A FREAKING EMOTION LIKE LOVE
Oh I didn't realize G's date was in lover with her already.
Relax BF it made G feel good. I like to make women feel good.
You find it offensive because you think you are going to be played. Trust me woman can spot a man's BS a mile away. You will be fine and know when he is sincere or if he is just trying to get into your knickers. Unless of course he is a Chad than all bets are off lol.
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving. BUT I had been DBing my marriage for years, had reconciled once before, my ex was a three time offender, and I was completely sure that I would never take hm back under ANY circumstances. I was done and really healed at that time - I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for my marriage, and peace that I did not want him back. Just because it took another year to complete the legal process of a divorce, I was more than ready to date and I did.
Some people's divorce drag out for a long time for reasons other than attachment. And some people went through the necessary emotional process before their ex left. I'm not saying it's common, necessarily - and it's a reason why you have to assess whether someone is truly done with their marriage or not.
Ask Andrew how he has made out dating married people.
I’m sitting here in a dentist chair waiting for my crown to be made and I thought I would at b up.
1) I dated when I was separated too. It’s not not a “moral” thing to me if they aren’t living together and in the proceedings. The part for me as to why I don’t like to be separated men is because I know they need time to be single and heal. That’s my hesitation
2) I don’t know that he is emotionally available or unavailable. He’s been very open with me, he hasn’t been guarded or emotionally distant. We have talked about everything and anything .
3) I’ve also dated men who were divorced for a few years. And they were messes. Which is why I’ve been more flexible with my hard and fast rules
4) the forehead kiss wasn’t a “move” it was just nice .
5) he’s not a “wealthy man of status” he has a career and he makes a living . I have no idea how much. I know he isn’t living with his parents. I know those townhomes cost a few bucks. That’s all. And I’m attracted to the person he is. And I like that we grew up very different yet both had overcome something pretty huge .
6) I don’t know what or if anything will come out of this. But perfect on paper hasn’t worked out ver well for me.
7) he asked me out for this Thursday. He will be away for 2 weeks. We are both looking forward to it. Nothing wrong with that
STOP TRYING TO USE YOUR LEFT BRAIN TO ANALYZE A FREAKING EMOTION LIKE LOVE
Oh I didn't realize G's date was in lover with her already.
Relax BF it made G feel good. I like to make women feel good.
You find it offensive because you think you are going to be played. Trust me woman can spot a man's BS a mile away. You will be fine and know when he is sincere or if he is just trying to get into your knickers. Unless of course he is a Chad than all bets are off lol.
Nice attempt to deflect.
It didn't work.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Adding something to a repertoire absolutely means you are playing someone.
Is anything freaking real with you?
I get you've been hurt man, haven't we all? Until and unless one is willing to be 100% honest and authentic, the returns one will get one the relationship front will be less than 100%.
Stop the walls and the games and get freaking real or go to the Sundowner.
^^^ sorry G xoxo
glad your date went well.
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving. BUT I had been DBing my marriage for years, had reconciled once before, my ex was a three time offender, and I was completely sure that I would never take hm back under ANY circumstances. I was done and really healed at that time - I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for my marriage, and peace that I did not want him back. Just because it took another year to complete the legal process of a divorce, I was more than ready to date and I did.
Some people's divorce drag out for a long time for reasons other than attachment. And some people went through the necessary emotional process before their ex left. I'm not saying it's common, necessarily - and it's a reason why you have to assess whether someone is truly done with their marriage or not.
This ^^^^
To the outside world...for me, the perception was that things moved quickly....
In reality...
I was 30 months post bomb, and had been ready for a while.....
The only "newness" was that information, to other people....
LH....
Keep going and you are gonna get your eyes scratched out by one of these women here....: )
I'm honestly unsure at this point if you are just randomly saying stupid Schidt to rile them up, or if you truly are having a hard time equating your version of what a Woman wants, to what they actually want...
???
Either way, I'm fine with it. Just seems to be a daily watch for the carnage from the train wreck.
B-lady is correct. The Forehead kiss isn't a trick or a ploy....
The difference between it being real and being a trick, involve being deeper than a "kiddie pool" with a massive hole in it....
And until you know the difference.....
I feel that your frustrations in the dating world are self induced.....
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Adding something to a repertoire absolutely means you are playing someone.
Ok so I read something today that made a woman feel good so I am just suppose to ignore it.
Is anything freaking real with you?
I am 100% natural.
I get you've been hurt man, haven't we all? Until and unless one is willing to be 100% honest and authentic, the returns one will get one the relationship front will be less than 100%.
A have a date tonight and am going to a concert. If I kiss her on the head that taints the entire night I planned?
Stop the walls and the games and get freaking real or go to the Sundowner.
No walls all real. I'll be a the downer when my buddy is in town.
BF it's all good. Put yourself out there.
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving. BUT I had been DBing my marriage for years, had reconciled once before, my ex was a three time offender, and I was completely sure that I would never take hm back under ANY circumstances. I was done and really healed at that time - I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for my marriage, and peace that I did not want him back. Just because it took another year to complete the legal process of a divorce, I was more than ready to date and I did.
Some people's divorce drag out for a long time for reasons other than attachment. And some people went through the necessary emotional process before their ex left. I'm not saying it's common, necessarily - and it's a reason why you have to assess whether someone is truly done with their marriage or not.
This ^^^^
To the outside world...for me, the perception was that things moved quickly....
In reality...
I was 30 months post bomb, and had been ready for a while.....
The only "newness" was that information, to other people....
LH....
Keep going and you are gonna get your eyes scratched out by one of these women here....: )
I'm honestly unsure at this point if you are just randomly saying stupid Schidt to rile them up, or if you truly are having a hard time equating your version of what a Woman wants, to what they actually want...
???
Either way, I'm fine with it. Just seems to be a daily watch for the carnage from the train wreck.
B-lady is correct. The Forehead kiss isn't a trick or a ploy....
The difference between it being real and being a trick, involve being deeper than a "kiddie pool" with a massive hole in it....
And until you know the difference.....
I feel that your frustrations in the dating world are self induced.....
Mach half the $hit you write doesn't make any sense to me. The part I understood, sometimes I like to rile them up and sometimes I speak the truth......
It's like swimming in a bathtub that has an upside down hole in it lol.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Here is the problem with statistics and I will try to paraphraze the famous moderator that came before me.
(J3B)
The odds can be a million to one against you but if you are the one then its 100%.
And the same works in reverse, they can be 999,9999 out of a million for you and you can still be the one left over.
I think the point was no matter what the statistics be the ONE.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Here is the problem with statistics and I will try to paraphraze the famous moderator that came before me.
(J3B)
The odds can be a million to one against you but if you are the one then its 100%.
And the same works in reverse, they can be 999,9999 out of a million for you and you can still be the one left over.
I think the point was no matter what the statistics be the ONE.
I hear you cadet and Andy P loved to use that when we gave statistics on 5th marriages.
Remember this insurance companies and casinos which are billion dollar industries base everything on one thing and one thing only Statistics. Not feelings or folklore.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Stop analyzing and go with the flow.
SHUT OFF YOUR MONKEY MIND.
Adding something to a repertoire absolutely means you are playing someone.
Ok so I read something today that made a woman feel good so I am just suppose to ignore it.
YES.
If it never occurred to you naturally, then YES YES YES
Is anything freaking real with you?
I am 100% natural.
I make my living doing marketing. Natural doesn't mean real.
I get you've been hurt man, haven't we all? Until and unless one is willing to be 100% honest and authentic, the returns one will get on the relationship front will be less than 100%.
A have a date tonight and am going to a concert. If I kiss her on the head that taints the entire night I planned?
If it's calculated to get a desired result then it's MANIPULATION! NOT AUTHENTICITY.
Stop the walls and the games and get freaking real or go to the Sundowner.
No walls all real. I'll be a the downer when my buddy is in town.
BF it's all good. Put yourself out there.
In time LH, in good time. Unless John Cusack wants to help me pack and move between now and the end of the month.
Otherwise, I'm benched for the next little bit.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Here is the problem with statistics and I will try to paraphraze the famous moderator that came before me.
(J3B)
The odds can be a million to one against you but if you are the one then its 100%.
And the same works in reverse, they can be 999,9999 out of a million for you and you can still be the one left over.
I think the point was no matter what the statistics be the ONE.
I hear you cadet and Andy P loved to use that when we gave statistics on 5th marriages.
Remember this insurance companies and casinos which are billion dollar industries base everything on one thing and one thing only Statistics. Not feelings or folklore.
Insurance companies are not in the business of trying to find love.
Wow so now if you want to make someone feel good it's manipulation. Sheesh. I give up.
Mach half the $hit you write doesn't make any sense to me. The part I understood, sometimes I like to rile them up and sometimes I speak the truth......
It's like swimming in a bathtub that has an upside down hole in it lol.
Maybe that's the disconnect....
And it isn't that you don't understand me that is the concern...
It's that you either don't understand the female brain in all of it's beauty....
Or you don't care, and are just passing time with firing them up.
And truth ....
Your truth ?
Their truth ?
Statistically true ?
Because statistics can be manipulated into any conclusion that you want to have, or make it..
Hell, 50% of the Women posting to you today on this thread, think you are an idiot....
Is it true ?
For you ?
No
Them ?
Absolutely....
Wow so now if you want to make someone feel good it's manipulation. Sheesh. I give up.
stop being obtuse LH, it doesn't suit you and you're much smarter than that. So am I.
You, LH, You with your odds and your numbers and your freaking stats.
Yes I like statistics because I need proof just not folklore.
Here is the problem with statistics and I will try to paraphraze the famous moderator that came before me.
(J3B)
The odds can be a million to one against you but if you are the one then its 100%.
And the same works in reverse, they can be 999,9999 out of a million for you and you can still be the one left over.
I think the point was no matter what the statistics be the ONE.
He also said to phukc the statistics, and be the hero of your own story....
stop being obtuse LH, it doesn't suit you and you're much smarter than that. So am I.
As a farm boy I would normally have to get out a dictionary but luckily I saw Shawshank. Thanks Andy Dufresne.
T
Fine BF. No kisses on the forehead. I’ll find another body part😉
MLCxH,
No, there is only separated. He is a legally married man, who is separated from his wife and not divorced yet.
I'm with you on the "still married" thing, but also separated two weeks with tons of mixed emotions is a lot different than separated 10 years and not D'd just because insurance / finances are more favorable. There's a middle point in there.
[
I don't disagree BL but whatever the reason for not being divorced, the person has not moved on from their ex spouse. It may be ok in the short term but the odds of complications in the long term are high. Based on what G said she is looking for in a partner, this should be a big red flag in my opinion. Also, based on what I have seen in the past on her thread I don't think it is a simple 'investment of time to see where this goes'. There will be an emotional investment and consequences if this thing does not work out.
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving.
I am curious if any of these turned into a long term meaningful relationship? If yes, why and how did it eventually end?
On the discussion about statistics, I want to ask a simple question. If you walk into a grocery and notice a carton of milk that is past it's expiry date, would you purchase it or try to find another one that has not expired yet? If you notice the milk is expired after you bring the carton home, then you may choose to still use it since it is very likely the milk is still good and you have invested time, money and effort in bringing it home. You will however scrutinize the milk a little more than you would otherwise. Why? Because statistically the odds of the milk being bad are higher once it is past the expiry date. The risk is higher not just in having to throw the milk but also falling sick by consuming milk you think is good but is not in reality.
How does this apply to G's situation here? Being separated and not divorced is a huge red flag based on G's relationship goals for a long term stable partner. Even if the guy is over his ex, he may only be dating G on the rebound and not ready for an LTR. The earlier she notices these red flags and acts on them, the better her odds of making a good choice are. The more dates she goes on with this guy, the more things she will likely need to overlook because she has already invested in the relationship.
This is one reason why statistics are important in decision making. Yes, you can always beat the odds but odds are you won't beat them as often as you think.
The more dates she goes on with this guy, the more things she will likely need to overlook because she has already invested in the relationship.
Reminds me of the example of the Texan where more red flags surfaced later in the relationship but were ignored because a lot was invested in the relationship by then
Originally Posted by kml
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving.
I am curious if any of these turned into a long term meaningful relationship? If yes, why and how did it eventually end?
The first guy I dated, I dated for about a year. It ended when his high school first love found him, and they are still dating ten years later. He and I have remained very good friends. If I hadn't had to compete against the nostalgia for the first love, we might still be dating - although more likely I would have eventually felt I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship. But he still ranks as one of the most compatible (mentally, emotionally, and physically) guys I dated since my divorce and I love him to pieces as a friend.
Since then I've had a 5 year relationship (ended when his crazy mental illness and duplicity came to the fore) and a 3 1/2 year relationship (ended with his cancer death). Scattered more casual relationships in between.
And yes, the only one that I didn't meet online was Mr Big Lots who picked me up while shopping, we dated only maybe a dozen times before I got tired of his Love Avoidant ways.
G - in his favor so far, he scheduled a date in advance, made the effort to schedule it before he's gonna be out of town, and I like the forehead kiss. I think every man who ever kissed me on the forehead had a kind heart.
Do sit back and gather a lot more data though before you jump in with both feet. And don't ignore any red flags.
Originally Posted by kml
I dated within a few months of my ex leaving.
I am curious if any of these turned into a long term meaningful relationship? If yes, why and how did it eventually end?
The first guy I dated, I dated for about a year. It ended when his high school first love found him, and they are still dating ten years later. He and I have remained very good friends. If I hadn't had to compete against the nostalgia for the first love, we might still be dating - although more likely I would have eventually felt I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship. But he still ranks as one of the most compatible (mentally, emotionally, and physically) guys I dated since my divorce and I love him to pieces as a friend.
Since then I've had a 5 year relationship (ended when his crazy mental illness and duplicity came to the fore) and a 3 1/2 year relationship (ended with his cancer death). Scattered more casual relationships in between.
And yes, the only one that I didn't meet online was Mr Big Lots who picked me up while shopping, we dated only maybe a dozen times before I got tired of his Love Avoidant ways.
Thank you, kml!
Just woke up from a nap. Being at the dentist for 3 hours knocked me off.
Well. I’m lost on the commentary with the Texan on what I over looked and invested. I didn’t overlook anything. I saw what I saw and when it wasn’t working for me I ended it. No investment. No heartache. I did what I needed to do when I needed to. I wasn’t invested.
I known probability isn’t on my side. I have many many situations and occurrences that went against the odds that weren’t in my favor. Relationship wise and not relationship wise. I’m leeway sure the stats on my ex getting married to his AP and staying married for 11 years was slim to none. I just know that in the end I don’t know how much the stats matter.
This guy does have green flags. He does know how to make a date. He chose the place , made a reservation, everything . Was very kind to wait staff . He has a fantastic relationship with his family. Gainfully employed. He’s a dog lover like me . He has no kids because he can’t have them but he loves his nieces and nephews. He has friends. He plays hockey a few times a week, goes to the gym often. Stays in shape and stays healthy.
I feel given all of that I would be an idiot to just walk away. So I’m going to just play it by ear . Play it cool too
I’m lost on the commentary with the Texan on what I over looked and invested. I didn’t overlook anything. I saw what I saw and when it wasn’t working for me I ended it.
I felt there were many red flags that you overlooked and it had stopped working a lot earlier than you saw it and ended it. Just my opinion…
Was very kind to wait staff
Very green flag.
I went back and read your thread on the Texan. You may want to see if you see a pattern here. This is not intended to judge you and only to help you. How you interpret it, is up to you since you know yourself better than those of us who only know you based on your writings on this board. I wish you the best!
Date 2 went quite well! Date 3 is Sunday! Yup, violating all the rules and having 3 dates in 8 days. It feels pretty good to know I’m not dead inside and I can feel chemistry again. I also feel really natural and comfortable around him and very much like myself. He puts forth the effort and drives the 45 min to me. Looking at T’s thread, 45 min is a big deal! He even crosses the GW bridge and there is a hefty toll on that one!
As far as “rebound guy” I don’t think that is so accurate. 4 months isn’t 4 weeks. So far we are having a blast getting to know eachother .
Something just feels…. Right. And comfortable and good. I’ve decided to go with it and embrace it while keeping my eyes wide open
Lots of us have a past and a very difficult one at that. The work and healing you do and how you handle stuff is so important. We are all works in progress. Hey, my past traumas and my story might be a red flag to most. Until they know how I handle my sh!t.
I haven’t wanted to be with anyone this in years. The good news is while I’m moving fast, My eyes are wide open.
I truly realize I have been seeing everything in everyone as a red flag because I was scared. I have issues too. Everyone has issues. It boils down to what you can work with and what is a dealbreaker. Carrying baggage well is important . Working together is important .
And when things went south, you had the following quotes which indicate you were in fact emotionally invested and this not working out affected you
What am I sad for? Back to square one yet again. Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man.
Look,I’m not the hottest woman alive. But I’m not awful on the eyes. I am a professional with a career. A good parent. Very responsible. Good friends and people genuinely like me and trust me . But I also know how to have lots of fun. I’m not the worst catch. I would think I can find a decent human. But no such luck . It’s awfully depressing .
I may always be single. I know this is my fault and I chose to trust too much. I was aware of the red flags, but I trusted. There is only so much you can do.
So , that it. Single again and probably forever .
I’ve been more flexible with my hard and fast rules
Yup, violating all the rules
They are not “rules” if they are rarely followed. More like loose guidelines perhaps. I’ve seen where others claim to have “dealbreakers” but continue with the deal even after the dealbreaker has been fully busted.
If one doesn’t follow their own rules when it’s not convenient then they are just words. It’s the actions that count. If you don’t want to follow rules don’t pretend to have them. I’ve seen this a lot with you G. Take it for what it’s worth. I’m not even saying you’re doing anything wrong dating this still married guy. I’m just pointing out you don’t follow rules. You quickly act to do what you want to in the moment and then rationalize it.
The reason to have rules or dealbreakers is to help guide things when emotion takes over. The rules or dealbreakers are created absent of emotion so they will prove clarity when emotions take over. Again, just pointing it out.
Multiple dates and lots and lots of talk right out of the gate. That’s also a very common trait you’ve followed - including the rationalization that the guy is going to be busy so we have to do it this way. I won’t even try to count how many times you’ve said you’re done dating and for sure done OLD. Just words.
But hey it may all work out. And again I’m not saying it’s wrong - just that you often break the rules you claim to have. Should this not work out perhaps not breaking your own rules will be the best course next time.
Honestly if you really want to find his interest level. Sorry I have plans on Thursday but text me when you get back. You’re way too available.
Because in our 40’s that makes all the difference in the world.
We are going on our Thursday. Chatted for 2 hours tonight .
We should be playing games though, right ?
bttrfly,
Here's another lesson:
For a kiss on the forehead to have any value or meaning it should be from the heart, NOT PART OF AN EFFING REPERTOIRE!
Cheese n Rice that comment frosts my cookies. THIS is PART OF THE EFFING PROBLEM.
DROP THE EFFING STATS
STOP TRYING TO USE YOUR LEFT BRAIN TO ANALYZE A FREAKING EMOTION LIKE LOVE
STOP STOCKPILING THINGS FOR A REPERTOIRE TO UP YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING ACTION.
It's So EFFING offensive.
We're all here to process through our hurt and improve ourselves. Part of that is learning how to be a better partner and how to better attract a partner. I see R2C posting the "Rules of Attraction" thread to newbies quite a bit. Learning how to dress better, get in shape, be engaging to the opposite sex...etc. is an important part of the process for many. So reading that a woman thinks it's sweet to be kissed on the forehead and storing that nugget in our left brains isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are men that genuinely want to be a good partner and are looking for ways to help connect. It doesn't mean the lesson is being used to deceive, hook up, and throw that person away.
Ginger1 - Do you know how long he's been separated and where he is in the divorce process?
Because in our 40’s that makes all the difference in the world.
We are going on our Thursday. Chatted for 2 hours tonight .
We should be playing games though, right ?
It’s not about playing games. It’s a process. Every single time you go 0-60 right out of the gate it blows up in your face. Don’s right it doesn’t matter you justify everything.
bttrfly,
Here's another lesson:
For a kiss on the forehead to have any value or meaning it should be from the heart, NOT PART OF AN EFFING REPERTOIRE!
Cheese n Rice that comment frosts my cookies. THIS is PART OF THE EFFING PROBLEM.
DROP THE EFFING STATS
STOP TRYING TO USE YOUR LEFT BRAIN TO ANALYZE A FREAKING EMOTION LIKE LOVE
STOP STOCKPILING THINGS FOR A REPERTOIRE TO UP YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING ACTION.
It's So EFFING offensive.
We're all here to process through our hurt and improve ourselves. Part of that is learning how to be a better partner and how to better attract a partner. I see R2C posting the "Rules of Attraction" thread to newbies quite a bit. Learning how to dress better, get in shape, be engaging to the opposite sex...etc. is an important part of the process for many. So reading that a woman thinks it's sweet to be kissed on the forehead and storing that nugget in our left brains isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are men that genuinely want to be a good partner and are looking for ways to help connect. It doesn't mean the lesson is being used to deceive, hook up, and throw that person away.
Yep in the perfect Disney world the prince would know exactly what to say and when to say it. The princess would never be creeped out or turned off. For some reason it is encouraged to improve in every aspect unless it’s men improving their attraction skills because women feel they are being played.
So BF last night I went to an outdoor concert and I had my arm around the girl I was with and I kissed her on the forehead. She seemed to enjoy it too like G did so I am glad I received the tip that some women like it. I’m sorry if that feels icky to you. As I said before, you are a smart chick and I trust you will know if you are being gamed or not in the future.
Let’s just say his interest level is high. And he is extremely genuine . He will be away for a few weeks and D is away. I don’t think accepting a date 3 days later is going to make or break or us.
He has been separated for a few months. They had been separated before that as well. It’s a short term marriage and no children came from it. She was a manipulative binge drinker and abusive when she drank. He was done after giving her another chance . Papers are almost signed. He closes on his new place tomorrow.( he was not living with her in the meantime )
We had a candid open talk last night . He’s not the “I’m free woohoo type” but we both agreed that he does need his time single and to take a breather from everything . We agreed to be friends that kiss, lol. I have decided I am not going to have sex with him and I told him as much and he’s completely understanding . He’s seriously kind sweet and empathetic.
We know timing timing stinks.
Anyways, for the men out there. Does he have a good career stay fit and dress nice, and drive a decent car ? Yes. Ia that attractive ? Sure. But the most attractive part of his is his genuinity, not trying to be a certain way because he thinks that’s what women wants. He comes as his self . And we can sniff out when men are trying to be what they think a woman wants to be rather than just being themselves . Vulnerability , honesty, good conversation that goes beyond the surface level. Very attractive. His love for his family is as well.