https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2924174#Post2924174I don’t know if anyone is here today but I could use some encouraging words. I just found out I have to see him after 2 years of NC in 5 weeks which okay fine but today is my daughters 19th birthday and we’re throwing a good sized party. This party has been in the works for a month so I didn’t know about court. I’m feeling so blah and not in the mood for a party. My girls have everything under control but I’d really like to bring my mood up. He sent flowers and she didn’t care. He took D15 to therapy and all he did was whine about having to work 3 jobs. Thankfully the therapist didn’t buy it and gave him a huge guilt trip. Only reason he took her is because she begged him for months. He complained about having to spend $120 a month but easily spends $300 a month on alcohol.
Remind me I’m better off.
MUCH better off!!!!!
Don’t let the specter of him ruin your party for D19. Celebrate her and the relationships you have with your girls.
Don’t give him so much power over you. Be strong when you go to the hearing. Bring a friend for moral support if you can. Remind yourself when you see him if all the selfish things he’s done since your separation. You can do this.
I’m feeling so blah and not in the mood for a party. My girls have everything under control but I’d really like to bring my mood up.
Stay busy and focus on the present. What is your daughter wearing? What does she want to talk about? Does her cake have enough candles, are her presents wrapped and tagged? If you absolutely can't stop thinking about your ex go for a little exercise.
He sent flowers and she didn’t care.
..or, she acted as-if she didn't care? She probably knows her audience by now.
He took D15 to therapy and all he did was whine about having to work 3 jobs. Thankfully the therapist didn’t buy it and gave him a huge guilt trip. Only reason he took her is because she begged him for months. He complained about having to spend $120 a month but easily spends $300 a month on alcohol.
It is wonderful he's taking her to therapy, finally, even if he should have done so sooner. Soooo many WAS and LBS struggle emotionally but find excuses not to seek therapy. It's a good sign that D15 feels the therapist is on her side. Hopefully, he feels the same way, and it'll be productive. We've seen therapy go both ways on this board. It's an opportunity.
I know it is easier said than done but try to just focus on your daughter and this awesome party. You have a great relationship with your kids so celebrate with them. Don’t let someone who doesn’t matter have the power over you. You got this.
MUCH better off!!!!!
Don’t let the specter of him ruin your party for D19. Celebrate her and the relationships you have with your girls.
Don’t give him so much power over you. Be strong when you go to the hearing. Bring a friend for moral support if you can. Remind yourself when you see him if all the selfish things he’s done since your separation. You can do this.
Thank you for this. The party was a big hit and everyone had a great time. 3 days before after the house was decorated D19 and I had this mini dance party. She's lost A LOT weight since he left and is unrecognizable now. She's gorgeous!! Her self confidence is through the roof now and she just glows. While we were dancing she says "can you believe 2 years ago I was fat with no friends and now I'm throwing a party?"
She's still the same sweet, kind kid inside but now she's confident enough to let the world see her.
Stay busy and focus on the present. What is your daughter wearing? What does she want to talk about? Does her cake have enough candles, are her presents wrapped and tagged? If you absolutely can't stop thinking about your ex go for a little exercise.
I ended up taking the girls out for pizza beforehand which was a nice distraction. They were so excited that it did bring my mood up.
..or, she acted as-if she didn't care? She probably knows her audience by now.
Nah he treats all 3 kids like garbage.
It is wonderful he's taking her to therapy, finally, even if he should have done so sooner. Soooo many WAS and LBS struggle emotionally but find excuses not to seek therapy. It's a good sign that D15 feels the therapist is on her side. Hopefully, he feels the same way, and it'll be productive. We've seen therapy go both ways on this board. It's an opportunity.
Based on history it won't last. He promises them all kinds of things then won't answer their texts, takes it back, avoids them, blows them off, ghosts them, gives a million excuses, etc. The kids say you can't trust anything he says.
I've known him for 30 years and this behavior was there the whole time but I managed his life. He called me controlling which is code for I insisted he be an adult. Now without anyone managing his life he's on a free fall. He's drinking, his health is failing, he's in a ton of debt, my kids say he looks sick now.
I know it is easier said than done but try to just focus on your daughter and this awesome party. You have a great relationship with your kids so celebrate with them. Don’t let someone who doesn’t matter have the power over you. You got this.
Thank you. I'd been doing great until this 10th court date came along and I found out I had to go. I'm told the anticipation is worse than the actual event and I sure hope they are right.
I saw him last night for the first time in 2 years. I've driven past him a couple of times but this is the closest I've been. He dropped off D16 and she didn't expect me to be home that early. I looked right at him but he didn't turn his head so I just saw the side of his face. From the side he looked the same but I could see he's aged more than 2 years. It made me really sad and I wanted to cry but I focused on how much better my life is now. Took a few hours but I came out of it. I think this was good practice for court. I saw him and it didn't devastate me.
I had therapy this morning and I make appointments 2 weeks in advance. The next appointment is Nov 3rd which is the day before court.
I'm now 3 weeks and 1 day away from court.
From the side he looked the same but I could see he's aged more than 2 years. It made me really sad and I wanted to cry
I'm curious, kas99. In the past, you've sounded pleased when you heard he'd faced hardships or looked older than his age. Did seeing him reverse that desire, reminding you that you care about him and what happens to him?
I focused on how much better my life is now.
It sounds like you both believe your lives are better now. Is forgiving him and being friends a possibility? PS - You're partly who nudged me to restore a friendship with my XW. Well, you nudged more, but that was too much.
I'm curious, kas99. In the past, you've sounded pleased when you heard he'd faced hardships or looked older than his age. Did seeing him reverse that desire, reminding you that you care about him and what happens to him?
At this point I want him to go away so I can heal. He's been dragging out the divorce for 2 years and I've had it. I will never understand why it's so hard to divorce someone who has already replaced me.
It sounds like you both believe your lives are better now. Is forgiving him and being friends a possibility? PS - You're partly who nudged me to restore a friendship with my XW. Well, you nudged more, but that was too much.
He convinced me that I was insane, psychotic, an unfit mother and tried to turn my kids against me. I can't be friends with someone who actively wants to destroy me.
My attorney is going to depose him and I have to be there. I get to sit there while she asks him about his girlfriend which he is still denying exists.
The deposition is on Oct 25th. Got any tips for me??
kas99,
My attorney is going to depose him and I have to be there. I get to sit there while she asks him about his girlfriend which he is still denying exists.
The deposition is on Oct 25th. Got any tips for me??
I know you're anxious about the face-to-face meeting. Sorry you have to deal with that in-person. No real advice, just know a lot of folks on here are pulling for you and you will get through it. Maybe hearing him finally admit to things under oath will end up being validating/vindicating/cathartic?
Just curious...why is there a deposition? Is your divorce filing for fault (as opposed to no-fault?). In my state the infidelity would not factor at all into the D unless there were significant marital monies spend on the AP (which may be your case?).
Maybe hearing him finally admit to things under oath will end up being validating/vindicating/cathartic?
He's been hiding her for 2.5 years and I do not know how long he'd been cheating before then. She was a coworker and he works odd hours, travels, etc.
Just curious...why is there a deposition? Is your divorce filing for fault (as opposed to no-fault?). In my state the infidelity would not factor at all into the D unless there were significant marital monies spend on the AP (which may be your case?)
I live in a true fault state. The only no fault divorce is when both parties agree to it and he was never going to go for that unless I walked away with nothing. Cheating won't matter but it will at least get me a divorce.
Maybe hearing him finally admit to things under oath will end up being validating/vindicating/cathartic?
Beyond offering support I'll add--and this may apply particularly to you kas since you've worked in roles related to the court--some LBS imagine/idealize "under oath" means telling the truth. This is a legal matter. Expect him to admit to that which you can prove, and forget that which you can't prove. Expect to learn more details, but don't expect him to come clean.
He's been dragging out the divorce for 2 years and I've had it. I will never understand why it's so hard to divorce someone who has already replaced me.
I never understood it either. exW was in no rush to get the separation agreement and the divorce papers done. I had to push for both. The separation agreement was necessary to protect the custody and access to the kids. the D I pushed because I was done and she took her sweet time. she was already living with new dude for months now. never made any sense. like why are you dragging this out when you're done and moved on.
Beyond offering support I'll add--and this may apply particularly to you kas since you've worked in roles related to the court--some LBS imagine/idealize "under oath" means telling the truth. This is a legal matter. Expect him to admit to that which you can prove, and forget that which you can't prove. Expect to learn more details, but don't expect him to come clean.
He doesn't know how or when I found out. S21 walked in on them but left before anyone saw him. I imagine he will saying something dumb like yes he's dating but it wasn't until after he left me which sounds all peachy keen except I had to file for divorce and he has been stalling for 2 years. It got so bad that the judge awarded me legal fees for the delays.
He's been dragging out the divorce for 2 years and I've had it. I will never understand why it's so hard to divorce someone who has already replaced me.
I never understood it either. exW was in no rush to get the separation agreement and the divorce papers done. I had to push for both. The separation agreement was necessary to protect the custody and access to the kids. the D I pushed because I was done and she took her sweet time. she was already living with new dude for months now. never made any sense. like why are you dragging this out when you're done and moved on.
I never had that issue = ExW pushed separation & divorce as fast as she could as if I was the worse person on the planet. I still don't fully understand it. That said, but I do read on here a lot that the WS/WAS often drags their feet and it seems bizarre to me too. If he told you 3 years ago he wants divorce and is with OW...why wouldn't they want to move on.
I live in a true fault state. The only no fault divorce is when both parties agree to it and he was never going to go for that unless I walked away with nothing. Cheating won't matter but it will at least get me a divorce.
Got it. Sorry for the saga. Try to stay strong in deposition and then break down later if you need to. Hang in there...you'll get through it and maybe find some relief in it afterwards.
the D I pushed because I was done and she took her sweet time. she was already living with new dude for months now. never made any sense. Like why are you dragging this out when you're done and moved on.
That said, but I do read on here a lot that the WS/WAS often drags their feet and it seems bizarre to me too. If he told you 3 years ago he wants divorce and is with OW...why wouldn't they want to move on.
To understand--I've been a WAS before--ask yourself what incentive there is to the WAS to "finalize the D"? They have already moved on emotionally and practically found someone new, they already have a settlement covering finances and custody. The pre-existing marriage only becomes an issue if they get to the point of becoming engaged and want to remarry, or you're managing your finances so poorly it affects their credit score when they want to make a major purchase.
I never understood it either. exW was in no rush to get the separation agreement and the divorce papers done. I had to push for both. The separation agreement was necessary to protect the custody and access to the kids. the D I pushed because I was done and she took her sweet time. she was already living with new dude for months now. never made any sense. like why are you dragging this out when you're done and moved on.
I have a separation agreement (had to push for this over a year ago) and after discovery was done my attorney advised me to stay married. This strategy worked because now he's interested in divorcing me. He requested the pre-trial and my attorney continued it just to be a pain.
It's also costing him a lot of money to stay married to me but honestly I don't think he cared about that. He'd rather go into massive amounts of debt than divorce me. It's mind boggling.
To understand--I've been a WAS before--ask yourself what incentive there is to the WAS to "finalize the D"? They have already moved on emotionally and practically found someone new, they already have a settlement covering finances and custody. The pre-existing marriage only becomes an issue if they get to the point of becoming engaged and want to remarry, or you're managing your finances so poorly it affects their credit score when they want to make a major purchase.
The difference between you and my WAS is I filed. I pushed and it cost him thousands in legal fees to stall. 10 court dates over 9 months. I filed separately which cost him thousands in taxes (2 years now). If this wasn't enough incentive I don't know what is. lol
I did back off eventually and decided to wait until he was ready. I had a court date soon after so I have no idea why he did any of this.
I so saw this going differently in my head. Unreal.
CW - you're right though he had no real reason to divorce me because he had already moved on. I wanted it done but he didn't.
I don't have any actual advice for your deposition since I didn't even have to go to court for my D. I would just echo what everyone else is saying about standing strong and breaking down later, away from him. Remember that you and your kids are better off. I also think CW made a good point that your STBX will likely cop to things that are easy to prove, but will skirt things that you can't prove or would be very difficult to prove, so don't go in expecting that he is just going to bare his entire soul to clean it all. My dad always uses the phrase "expect the best, but prepare for the worst" and I think that applies here. Best of luck!
If you think you will have a bad adrenaline rush when you are in the presence of your ex - if you tend to et shaky and sweaty palms and rapid heart rate - talk to your doctor about the possibility of taking a low dose beta-blocker (unless you have asthma - it's contra-indicated for asthma).
This is how we treat stage fright - the patient takes a low dose (like 10 mg propranolol) of a beta blocker about an hour before performing. Beta blockers are blood pressure medications which work by blocking adrenaline effects. At these low doses, they can lessen the racing heart/sweaty palms/ shaking hands that some people experience when under stress. The lack of those physical symptoms, in turn, makes it easier to feel in control. It might help you feel calmer and react less to your ex.
If you think you will have a bad adrenaline rush when you are in the presence of your ex - if you tend to et shaky and sweaty palms and rapid heart rate - talk to your doctor about the possibility of taking a low dose beta-blocker (unless you have asthma - it's contra-indicated for asthma).
This is how we treat stage fright - the patient takes a low dose (like 10 mg propranolol) of a beta blocker about an hour before performing. Beta blockers are blood pressure medications which work by blocking adrenaline effects. At these low doses, they can lessen the racing heart/sweaty palms/ shaking hands that some people experience when under stress. The lack of those physical symptoms, in turn, makes it easier to feel in control. It might help you feel calmer and react less to your ex.
I called my dr and she gave me xanax. Wasn't my first choice but that's what she gave me. Dummy me took a whole pill just to see how I'd react and it put me down for 24 hours. Not fun.
When my anxiety gets high I talk too much and that is not a good thing.
I don't have any actual advice for your deposition since I didn't even have to go to court for my D. I would just echo what everyone else is saying about standing strong and breaking down later, away from him. Remember that you and your kids are better off. I also think CW made a good point that your STBX will likely cop to things that are easy to prove, but will skirt things that you can't prove or would be very difficult to prove, so don't go in expecting that he is just going to bare his entire soul to clean it all. My dad always uses the phrase "expect the best, but prepare for the worst" and I think that applies here. Best of luck!
I'm jealous. I didn't think I'd have to go to court either and yet here I am.
He's an accomplished liar so I'm not even sure what the point of this is. I will say my attorney is scary. She's nice to me but I wouldn't want to go up against her. I work in a court and everyone tells me she's a shark. She will make you look like an idiot and she's good at what she does.
He hired the worst divorce attorney around.
I'm not even sure what the point of this is. He's an accomplished liar.. She will make you look like an idiot and she's good at what she does.
It sounds like you hope to catch him in a lie. It makes sense that you would hire a better attorney--yours need to get him off balance, his just needs to get him to stick to his written account. I'll have my fingers crossed for your success.
I called my dr and she gave me xanax. Wasn't my first choice but that's what she gave me. Dummy me took a whole pill just to see how I'd react and it put me down for 24 hours. Not fun.
Yeah, I don't recommend that because it can make you loopy. Ask for the beta blocker instead - it won't affect your brain.
I’m a big girl and a redhead so I tend to have a higher tolerance for meds and Xanax knocked me on my @$$. I took one the afternoon the doctor prescribed them and slept for about 36 hours straight and still felt groggy and drunk when I finally got up. So, be careful.
As far as not going to court, I realize I was very lucky, but we didn’t have custody issues and those sorts of things to deal with and he owned the house prior to our marriage and I owned my car prior to marriage so our only “assets” were all the stuff in the house, most of which he didn’t want because he was moving in with his new chippy. Ours was very quick and easy but again, I know I’m in the minority on that and very lucky.
You’ll be in my positive thoughts and prayers.
I’m a big girl and a redhead so I tend to have a higher tolerance for meds and Xanax knocked me on my @$$. I took one the afternoon the doctor prescribed them and slept for about 36 hours straight and still felt groggy and drunk when I finally got up. So, be careful.
Xanax was awful so I will not be doing that again. I have a prescription for lorazepam but I only take .25mg as needed. Yesterday I took .5mg as a test and I did okay. I was calm, a bit sleepy but nothing I couldn't push through. I need to be QUIET.
As far as not going to court, I realize I was very lucky, but we didn’t have custody issues and those sorts of things to deal with and he owned the house prior to our marriage and I owned my car prior to marriage so our only “assets” were all the stuff in the house, most of which he didn’t want because he was moving in with his new chippy. Ours was very quick and easy but again, I know I’m in the minority on that and very lucky.
Mine is a nothing divorce and should have been done in 4 months because we'd already agreed on a settlement that was in his favor. Oh how naive I was. Since then the kids and I have learned his words are meaningless.
I'm feeling a little better today and am so glad it's Friday. I'll be back in 12 days to let DB know how it went.
My attorney just called and said now opposing counsel wants to take my deposition. She said that attorney is just doing it to be a jerk. She didn't want me to miss a bunch of work and this all has to be done before Nov 4th so I opted to do it all in one day.
I said I'd done some research and that he's going to make me look bad no matter what because I know what he's going to say about me. She said she disagreed with that and told me to write down my concerns so she could coach me through it.
5 days and counting....
UGH - I saw the attorney defending the company in the Kobe Bryant case is asking his widow to undergo a psych eval to prove her degree of psychological distress at the death of her husband and daughter? Some attorneys can be real creeps.
The key in a deposition is to be calm, stay factual, do not let them push your buttons. Don't speculate. It's ok to explain yourself but keep it brief. For instance, if they ask you "Did you leave your child alone on the evening of XYZ?" they are looking for a yes, but it's ok to answer "yes but I had just been called to the ER for my other child who had been in a terrible accident and I arranged for my neighbor to come over so they were only alone for five minutes".
Take advantage of your attorney to be mentally prepared. The calmer and less flappable you are, the less they can do.
I was going to say pretty much what kml said in her last statement. Use your attorney's assistance to your advantage so you are prepared and can be calm, cool, and collected, at least on the outside, while you are going through the process. You are much stronger than you even realize. Wishing you good vibes and positive thoughts!
Your attorney's trying to get him to crack, his attorney's trying to get you to crack. As kml says--been in a similar position--stay calm and stick to the facts from the script you and your attorney create. When I was in a similar position, I repeated excerpts from my rehearsed script and didn't recollect much else. Memory is fallible and I was coached that guessing or trying to remember extra details could only bite me. The person judging the case indicated frustration that people share fault in most cases--but in the end the other's testimony admitted to wrongdoing and mine did not. The verdict went completely in my favor.
The person judging the case indicated frustration that people share fault in most cases--but in the end the other's testimony admitted to wrongdoing and mine did not. The verdict went completely in my favor.
What does this mean?
My stbxh is going to claim I'm "crazy'. BPD, bipolar, depression and it's true I was but not really. He had me and the kids convinced that I was an awful person. Imagine my surprise when all my symptoms went away within days of him leaving. I didn't know how physically sick he was making me either until he was gone.
I can't prove any of this. I was off the anti anxiety med for a year but started taking it again to get through this. I was off the bipolar meds for 4 months but it gave me terrible insomnia (I expected this) and I need my sleep. I decided to hold off on that suffering through the side effects until after the divorce was final. Once that's done I'm going to get off the A/D.
My attorney recently said to me "you're not bipolar". I talked a therapist into giving me meds for it but honestly she didn't think I was either.
KML - D16 says she's still trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. What I see is that history repeated itself. My mother convinced me that my father was crazy and eventually he became crazy. She then used that to successfully turn me against my father. My stbxh is like my mother and I've known that for a long time but I never thought he'd stoop so low to turn my kids against me. I had no idea that he was talking so bad about me behind my back.
My father ended up drinking himself to death after all of us turned on him. That was my future had my stbxh stayed.
Well, kas, if you're "crazy" then won't ex owe you a boatload of alimony since you're disabled????
The person judging the case nudged us both to admit at least some wrongdoing because conflicts are rarely one-sided. The other party admitted to some wrongdoing. I felt pressure, but I stuck to my prepared script admitting no fault as I'd been advised to, and won the case. If you hired a good attorney, trust their coaching.
My stbxh is going to claim I'm "crazy'. BPD, bipolar, depression and it's true I was but not really. I talked a therapist into giving me meds for it but honestly she didn't think I was either.
If he supports his claim, you may be required to get evaluated and/or treated if-diagnosed. As kml says, it might also boost the amount he needs to pay you. Not seeing many downsides?
My mother convinced me that my father was crazy and eventually he became crazy. She then used that to successfully turn me against my father. My father ended up drinking himself to death after all of us turned on him.
Oh, kas, I hope you don't blame yourself or your mom for your father's choice to become an alcoholic and end his own life. It does help me understand better why it seemed early on you expected your kids to pick a side in the divorce.
Well, kas, if you're "crazy" then won't ex owe you a boatload of alimony since you're disabled????
You should have read this 2 page thing he sent my attorney. He thinks he shouldn't have to pay me alimony because I'm a superstar capable of making 6 figures but I'm also so depressed that I can't take care of myself or the kids. So which is it? lol
I got my hair professionally done yesterday. I used to have great hair but it fell out in clumps after he left. It grew back and was long but I didn't think I had enough hair to do anything with it (too thin). Turns out my hair is healthier than I thought and I got this total makeover. I'm unrecognizable now. I'm also down 2 sizes from when he last saw me. Less stress = less emotional eating.
Turns out my hair is healthier than I thought and I got this total makeover. I'm unrecognizable now. I'm also down 2 sizes from when he last saw me.
You go girl! Now you go into that deposition with your head held high! My hair also fell out in fistfuls when my ex left, but grew back in nicely once I decided I was better off without him.
Oh, kas, I hope you don't blame yourself or your mom for your father's choice to become an alcoholic and end his own life. It does help me understand better why it seemed early on you expected your kids to pick a side in the divorce.
So you didn't take blame during your deposition?
Looking at my life now through the lens of my childhood has led to growth. I was afraid my kids would abandon me and my stbxh was fueling that by trying to take them away. I'm calm now even though he's still trying to turn them against me. I've learned to focus on the only thing I can control which is me. When I'm not fretting about court I'm at peace.
Good for you on your makeover! You deserve some self care. Just let your attorney help you get prepared and then go in with your head held high, knowing you are a good mom, and you are trying to make a good life for yourself and your kids.
Good for you on your makeover! You deserve some self care. Just let your attorney help you get prepared and then go in with your head held high, knowing you are a good mom, and you are trying to make a good life for yourself and your kids.
I'm trying not to think about Monday so I'm keeping myself distracted or I go to bed early. lol
What do I wear? My self esteem is low so I wear baggy clothes. I want to send the message that he didn't crush me but I feel like if I try too hard it looks like I care what he thinks.
I would dress nicely but casually if you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. Something that’s flattering. Perhaps nice jeans or slacks with a simple top or sweater? Don’t wear anything that shows underarm sweat. Jewelry. No cleavage. Most important, something you feel suits you, that you feel good in.
kas99,
Turns out my hair is healthier than I thought and I got this total makeover. I'm unrecognizable now. I'm also down 2 sizes from when he last saw me. Less stress = less emotional eating.
That's awesome! Good for you!
What do I wear? My self esteem is low so I wear baggy clothes. I want to send the message that he didn't crush me but I feel like if I try too hard it looks like I care what he thinks.
Wear something that makes
you feel attractive, confident, and happy. Don't do it for him. He's not important any more.
Good luck Monday. Hope the deposition goes well. Prepare yourself for emotions during questioning. Try to stay calm and answer the questions. If you feel yourself getting angry or upset take a breath and pause a minute and even ask your attorney for a break.
Wear something that makes you feel attractive, confident, and happy. Don't do it for him. He's not important any more.
Good luck Monday. Hope the deposition goes well. Prepare yourself for emotions during questioning. Try to stay calm and answer the questions. If you feel yourself getting angry or upset take a breath and pause a minute and even ask your attorney for a break.
My coworkers want me to at least wear clothes that fit. lol
I don't even think any of this matters. The judge won't care if I was a psychotic wife or that he cheated (true fault state) but she will care that he drug this out for 2 years while he having a girlfriend. He's moved on but has kept me stuck.
S21 caught him cheating (stbxh doesn't know this) but I also have people at work that know who his girlfriend is. He's denying that he cheated which okay fine but he's been in a relationship for over 2 years so divorce me already. Geesh.
My coworkers want me to at least wear clothes that fit. lol
Good advice. I'm on board with that lol
I don't even think any of this matters. The judge won't care if I was a psychotic wife or that he cheated (true fault state) but she will care that he drug this out for 2 years while he having a girlfriend. He's moved on but has kept me stuck.
Hopefully Monday is a step in the right direction for getting you some closure.
He's denying that he cheated which okay fine but he's been in a relationship for over 2 years so divorce me already. Geesh.
No kidding. Pretty selfish.
It got canceled. He won’t wear a mask at my attorneys request and D16 is sick. These things aren’t related because he is at work. Pre-trial is still on but I’m not optimistic.
Your ex blew up the deposition because he wouldn't wear a MASK????
Your ex blew up the deposition because he wouldn't wear a MASK????
That is correct. Opposing counsel wouldn’t wear a mask either. I heard her on the phone with his lawyer exasperated because they won’t cooperate. She asked if they wanted to settle and then she said maybe the judge can work this out at the pre-trial conference.
I’m in good hands but my mood just dropped. He managed to stall again so I have to dig deep to find the strength to keep going.
His ATTORNEY wouldn’t wear a mask? What a peach he’s got! Seriously, I cannot understand the sheer selfishness of people. Even if you think you’re so immune, why on earth wouldn’t you wear a mask to make others feel comfortable?
His attorney is awful. He will literally run away from my attorney when he sees her in court. He won’t answer her emails or phone calls. He’s entitled on the days she sits on the bench. He and my stbxh are a perfect match.
Your ex blew up the deposition because he wouldn't wear a MASK????
That is correct. Opposing counsel wouldn’t wear a mask either. I heard her on the phone with his lawyer exasperated because they won’t cooperate. She asked if they wanted to settle and then she said maybe the judge can work this out at the pre-trial conference.
I’m in good hands but my mood just dropped. He managed to stall again so I have to dig deep to find the strength to keep going.
That's bizarre. Doesn't the court have protocols on masks at this point?
Sorry you got a built up only to have another delay. Hang in there. You'll get there.
My understanding is the pre-trail conference is basically the judge unofficially signaling to each side how he'll likely rule on the issues and strongly encouraging both sides to come to an agreement. Not sure if your H and his L can delay that, but if it goes through you'll likely get much closer.
That's bizarre. Doesn't the court have protocols on masks at this point?
There are no protocols where I live. It doesn't matter he had no intention of showing up.
My understanding is the pre-trail conference is basically the judge unofficially signaling to each side how he'll likely rule on the issues and strongly encouraging both sides to come to an agreement. Not sure if your H and his L can delay that, but if it goes through you'll likely get much closer.
Yes this is how it works here. If the pre-trial goes his way I'll be done soon. If it doesn't I get to stay married. I can't afford to go to trial and I have a temporary support agreement that I can live with.
Been emailing back and forth with my attorney's legal assistant today. Exchanging documents and updating my financials. I could be wrong but I think the deposition caught him off guard and now he's spooked. He assumed everyone would just believe him and doesn't realize I'm not the same person I was when he left. My attorney totally set him up and under oath he'd be caught in a lie so he had to get out of it.
While I was there my attorney asked his attorney (on the phone) if he wanted to settle. The flurry of activity today makes me think I might actually be done soon.
I could be wrong but I think the deposition caught him off guard and now he's spooked. He assumed everyone would just believe him and doesn't realize I'm not the same person I was when he left. My attorney totally set him up and under oath he'd be caught in a lie so he had to get out of it.
Hi kas99, lots of mind-reading. This reminds me of when you'd alternately project your XH was either very happy or very sad with his new life. Just calling it out. I hope you are right and the flurry of activity indicates you're close to settling! Fingers crossed.
Hi kas99, lots of mind-reading. This reminds me of when you'd alternately project your XH was either very happy or very sad with his new life. Just calling it out. I hope you are right and the flurry of activity indicates you're close to settling! Fingers crossed.
This is a fact. That day was a blur so it wasn't until after I had time to think about it that I remembered that she said this. She wanted to catch him in a lie and that was the whole reason for the deposition.
I want this over with.
Stbxh took D16 therapy and she quit after 3 sessions because the therapist told her that he didn't cheat.
I do not blame your D16 for quitting therapy. The therapist should be listening to her and guiding her.
I can certainly understand that, and it sounds like your process is way longer and drawn out than mine and others'. Hang in there.
Stbxh took D16 therapy and she quit after 3 sessions because the therapist told her that he didn't cheat.
I do not blame your D16 for quitting therapy. The therapist should be listening to her and guiding her.
Agreed. Why would the therapist make a factual determination? Doesn't seem like a therapist' role.
Pre-trial is in 2 days and the judge will tell us how she'd rule if this were an actual trial. Can stbxh stall again if he doesn't like the ruling? The reason I'm asking is because I'm trying to budget. Is his next move to schedule a trial or can he just crawl back under his rock? I'm going to wait him out so I want to know what his choices are.
Pre-trial is in 2 days and the judge will tell us how she'd rule if this were an actual trial.
Since I did all my divorce through mediation, I don't really know much about this - but this sounds like the pre-trial is an opportunity to reach a settlement short of actually going to trial by hearing what a court would likely say at a trial? So, for instance, if the pre-trial says you would probably get X and Y, and you've already made an offer to H that you'll settle for just X, he'd be a fool not to take that offer and instead go to trial and risk having to give you X
AND Y, right?
kml,
Stbhx and I agreed on a settlement to his favor (not in writing). He evicted me from my house via email and was playing cruel head games so I cut him off, moved and waited to get served. I found out about the OW and the game changed. He had no intention of filing anytime soon and I was PISSED. I've gone through 2 attorneys, had 10 court dates, he's had 2 years to make this right and he hasn't so the original offer is off the table. See you in court and I've got nothing but time.
**rant over**
The order says "if a settlement is not reached at pre-trial, then and only then will a trial on the merits will be set". This sounds like mediation with a judge doesn't it? Google says something else but every state/judge might be different.
I've paid all my legal fees in cash including the cost of the pre-trial and preparation of the decree. This is a nothing divorce so I don't think my case has "merits". Maybe I won't have to go into debt.
27 hours until pre-trial.
Dumb question but what should I wear? Some people talk about showing him how great I look now but I don't care. He's dead to me.
I'm glad I got my hair done because it has boosted my self confidence but when it comes to clothes I think I'd rather be comfortable. I live in slightly baggy pants and this time of year sweaters. I do not own a blazer.
Wear something that fits well and that you feel comfortable in. Don't take this wrong, but who gives a d@mn about him, right? It isn't about showing him anything. It is about you feeling confident, strong, ready to face whatever happens and move forward.
I, personally, have always been taught that you "dress up" for the important things in life so I think a nice sweater and some slacks would be fine, if you have those and would feel comfortable in them. I would be careful with the baggy stuff, though, because you don't want to look sloppy or like you don't care, unless, of course, the pants you are wearing are supposed to be baggy. If they are not, I'd invest in a new, better fitting pair.
I agree with Dawn. Something you would consider business casual, comfortable yet more on the business side than the casual side. Remember, accessories are your friend. Ex. yesterday I had to work the booth at a trade show. I paired black pants with a fawn colored sweater, black flats and a long pretty necklace that was navy, pretty sparkly crystals, and pearls which I knotted towards the bottom and some pretty bracelets. Simple, comfortable, but the necklace and bracelets kicked it up a notch. Mascara and I was good to go (no need for lipstick as we had to wear masks all day).
You've got this. Don't kill yourself if you don't have a necklace you like. A scarf would be nice too.
Oh yes, accessorize, girl! I don't wear make-up, so I can't give my thoughts there, but simple, tasteful accessories go a long way to pulling an outfit together.
It's not so much about how you look to your ex, as how you look to the judge. You want to look competent, put together - nothing at all like whatever ex wants to paint you as. Nothing like a hysterical woman or a depressed one. Business casual sounds like the right look - good fitting slacks and a sweater would be fine. (And if ex looks at you and thinks he's missing out, that's just a bonus).
I've got pants that fit but my sweaters are boxy. I was a homemaker for 15 years and he left right after I got a new job so I never got a chance to shop. I don't look put together I look poor because other than my pants and my sensible shoes everything I own is thrifted. Everyone I work with is poor too so I fit right in. I haven't been in a real store in over 2 years.
You can get nice clothes at the thrift store! If you have some nice pants, just either pick your best sweater OR go buy a $3 top at the thrift store that fits OR borrow something from a friend. Just something that looks reasonably put together and fits, not sloppy.
I don't mind being poor and my definition of poor is living paycheck to paycheck with nothing to cut back on other than food. I'm happier now that I'm not having to live beyond my means for him. I saved a bunch of money back before I moved and I got stimulus money. Somehow the universe has made it all work out. I no longer worry about money and my thrifted clothes are nice just a bit big.
You can get nice clothes at the thrift store! If you have some nice pants, just either pick your best sweater OR go buy a $3 top at the thrift store that fits OR borrow something from a friend. Just something that looks reasonably put together and fits, not sloppy.
That's why I was asking what to wear. I may leave early from work and go thrift a blazer or something that fits. You'll laugh but there is a nice thrift store close to my work that is 50% off on Wednesday for seniors. They carded me when I asked for the discount. lol
Consignment stores have amazing bargains! Some great finds often with the tag still on. It's worth a cruise through a couple.
They usually also have awesome deals on accessories.
It's the same as thrift store prices but might be a slightly better quality.
Boxy is ok. Pulls or pilling, not so much.
Hope this helps.
PS And heck yeah, so grateful not to have to live up to the excessive spending of my exh!!!
Bttrfly,
D19 has a gift for fashion and can put together these amazing outfits from thrift stores. I got her to help me and she put together a killer outfit for $8. I feel self conscious because it um fits. A while back I bought some expensive heels at an estate sale but I’ve never worn them. I just couldn’t pass up getting a pair of $120 shoes for $6.
See I can live well on very little. Stbxh is back in debt because he can’t stop spending.
3 hours until court. Music blasting while I try to find my inner strength.
kas99 - Good luck in court. Hope it goes well for you. Keep us posted.
Good luck, Kas! Be your best self in court today.
Play Tom Petty You Got Lucky!
great job on the outfit! good luck today!
I’m done!!!!! Only took 30 minutes and I didn’t have to look at him. He walked by and I looked away. He went in the court room while I waited outside.
Idiot agreed to the very fair offer I gave him 2.5 years ago. Why? Why do these people do this??? Let’s spend thousands of dollars to end up right where we started. Oh right it’s more fun to punish me.
Alimony stays the same but I got a small raise (shhhhh) so I’m good. I’m going to push to get him to pay half the kids insurance. It’s not much but every little bit helps. The big win was I got 50% of his pension!!!! I get half the payout and half of the cost of living increase too!!
I don’t have to go back to court!!!! My attorney is working on the paperwork now. Yay!!!
I thought I’d be sad but after 2.5 years I’m just ready for him to go away.
Same - by the time my divorce was done, I was just so happy it was over! Even though I never wanted the divorce, it felt great to be done and be free.
Same - by the time my divorce was done, I was just so happy it was over! Even though I never wanted the divorce, it felt great to be done and be free.
I’m thrilled!! I didn’t want the divorce but living with this black cloud over my head was awful. And the guy that won’t buy D16 a toothbrush isn’t a good guy.
A funny I got to sit and talk to this hot guy at court. Married 24 years, 2 college aged sons and wife walked out 2.5 years ago. She also wouldn’t take the fair deal he offered so he was there for the same reason as me.
Did you get his number?
Did you get his number?
I wish. I wouldn’t have been that bold and I wasn’t there long enough to entice him to ask for mine.
He was the mirror image of me. Apparently those who do the work after divorce become people that just get it. He puts his kids first, has faith, peace, appreciates the little things and he’s single meaning he didn’t run out and date.
As I drove away I fantasized about how it would be a great how did you meet story. Lol
I wish. I wouldn’t have been that bold..
Next time. That would have made for a great "how did you meet story"! I was thinking about you and your killer $8 wardrobe when I booked a round-trip flight for $60. It's amazing how we make the things important to us work out almost no matter the available budget. Congratz! (:
I have social anxiety so I’m kind of impressed with myself for striking up a conversation. I was just so nervous, dressed to kill and started chatting with him. It was so cheesy and fun. “So who wanted the divorce?” Lol
I wish. I wouldn’t have been that bold..
Next time. That would have made for a great "how did you meet story"! I was thinking about you and your killer $8 wardrobe when I booked a round-trip flight for $60. It's amazing how we make the things important to us work out almost no matter the available budget. Congratz! (:
When he first left I fretted so much over being alone and now I'm so over it. I'm happy alone, I enjoy my own company and at this point in my life the guy would have to be pretty special before I'd let him into my life.
With money I've discovered that I don't need near as much as I thought I did and yes it's amazing how you can make things work out.
Congratulations! I hope you are now on the road to a happy and fulfilling life that doesn't include someone who made you so unhappy.
Congrats! Glad you finally got the relief you've been seeking. Interesting how our fears and anxieties usually aren't realized once the event occurs.
I've got the settlement agreement written by my attorney and have a question. This has to be an offer because I can't see him agreeing to some of this.
I've been NC for 2 years. S21 and S19 live with me. D16 lives with him. Under child custody it says "each party will readily confer with one another re: kids" Yeah NO. When we were married he made me the bad guy. The kids would ask him for things and he'd say "your mother said no" when I wasn't even aware of the question. After he left he continued to lie about conversations we never had until D16 caught on. It took 9 months of D16 and I not taking the bait before he stopped.
I'm okay with him making all the decisions for D16 because she tells me more than she tells him. If it were anything major I'd get involved. He disapproves of how I parent D19 (she no longer speaks to him) but if he wanted to continue to control me he shouldn't have left.
I don't think he will push the issue on having conversations with me but I do not like how this is worded and why is this section in italics?
K,
I think that is standard terminology when kids are involved. Personally I would want that in there because I wouldn't want me ex being able to make major decisions without me knowing about it.
Yeah - I think that's probably standard, and protects you. Besides, he's probably not going to follow it anyway, but if he does something really egregious (ie allows D16 to move in with a drug using boyfriend) it gives you some leverage. She's the only minor so I don't see how it applies to the others anyway
That’s what I thought. The only other issue I see is life insurance but if he dies (or quits his job) I’d get his pension so that probably doesn’t matter either does it?
We both have life insurance through our employers and it says that has to stay until the kids are older naming them as beneficiaries. I was going to do that anyway so no biggie.
I gotta say I was slightly disappointed when my attorney gave me numbers but reading through this agreement I won. He will probably fight me on a few things but getting half his pension and being the sole beneficiary for life is huge.
I hit $15k in legal fees today which is depressing since I have $800 to my name. The good news is opposing counsel responded back promptly which means stbxh is actually ready to finish this. I don't what changes he wanted but should know very soon. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake not trying to mediate but I don't think it would have worked because he's lost his mind. It does irritate me that he's got a 2nd income lined up via the OW but I try not to think about it.
The kids and I are struggling with life. He was making me physically sick so I know I'm better off but it's hard. I have a lot to be grateful for and I try to remember that this could have been a lot worse.
kas99,
I hit $15k in legal fees today which is depressing since I have $800 to my name.
Any chance stbxh might be on the hook for covering some or all of your legal costs? In my states the more monied spouse is responsible for contributing some money towards the others' lawyer fees, especially if they're the ones needlessly delaying the process.
The kids and I are struggling with life. He was making me physically sick so I know I'm better off but it's hard. I have a lot to be grateful for and I try to remember that this could have been a lot worse.
Sorry you and the kids are struggling. Hang in there...
I'm so sorry you and your kids are struggling, but I hope that the struggles are only temporary as you all navigate a new life of peace, happiness, joy, health once this all said and done. Wishing you a bright holiday season and hope you can find some joy with your kids. Hang in there....it will get better!
Stbxh isn't cooperating (shocking I know). Once discovery was done my attorney suggested we wait him out and it worked. A few months later he scheduled the pre-trial. He didn't like the ruling so now I'm waiting again. I have a temporary support agreement so I'm good.
What I'm concerned about is money. My attorney is great about keeping fees low and as long as stbxh controls things he has to pay for most of it. How much to finish this nothing divorce? My guess is $2,000. I swear it's 6 pages.
Worrying about money is causing me anxiety.
Hi Kass, if you are consistently nudging it forward at the usual court pace and you can accept what the judge proposed, I’d expect it to wrap up without much further ado from your side. If you both prefer what you have now, I’d expect it to remain unless/until one of you wants to remarry in 5-10yrs when being already married becomes an obstacle.
kas,
Please start a new thread and link them together. Thanks!