Old thread
Rebuilding and renewal - 2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2914656&page=1Our story so far ....
Our intrepid hero goes through the lies, infidelity etc of the breakdown of his long-term marriage. He doesn't take it well and comes here and proceeds to argue with everyone.
His now former wife dashes off - where other than one minor episode to ensure that her former partner is right where she left him - never to be seen again in any recognizable fashion.
Our hero navigates single life, a fairly straightforward divorce, the relationships with his 2 adult children, and the community. Some friendships are set aside, new ones are formed and others strengthened. He finds, rather to his surprise, that he can form decent relationships that aren't predicated on a charming and outgoing partner.
After a fair amount of time and at least 2 false-starts, he enters the dating pool, looking so he believes for a new partner who will be kind, supportive and draw him out of his routines. In this process, he discovers that while he may be considered "a good catch" that he needs to be much more discriminating about which bait he takes.
While the debris of the last relationship is, in the grand scheme of the world pretty minor stuff, it has made him re-think and re-evaluate what it is in life and regret the fact that others have been hurt. A process that continues and probably will for some time yet. He does feel mid-middle age upon himself as well - with an eye towards stability and security as stronger priorities.
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Not a lot of note going on. My shoulder is still giving me gyp which made yesterday's cleaning etc difficult. It's my left shoulder and that's my dominant hand so when scrubbing the tubs and tile that's the arm I would raise. I was able to shift the usage to the other arm at times but not a lot. I did get the scrubbing done though including the bathroom and kitchen floors. I invested in a cheap twist mop recently and must say that it's way and above better than the old foam mops I've used in the past. After I damp mop a section I scrub it by hand as well to ensure it's clean. I don't mop the floors often so like to be sure it's done well.
It feels good to get especially the downstairs bathroom back up to snuff. The floors too - nice to see them shine again although the kitchen floor is in such crappy shape that it will never shine. When stuff was being moved out I said to just leave boots on. My attitude is that things and places are intended to be used and will get messy and dirty. So - doing a regular clean is important to put things back to their base state so that you can do it again. Things and places that stay dirty break and quickly become unusable - something that S and her family just plain never understood.
Today I have meetings (yes, he "is" on vacation) and hope to get the fridge cleaned out and washed. I'll probably also - being careful with my shoulder and knee - shift it out and clean under it. It's close to empty right now so it's a good time to do this. I've been eating down some of the random stuff that had built up and probably too much - my weight is up some more. I need to figure out how to add some heavy breathing to my routine I suppose and to also cut back on the carbs.
I managed to get my ladder into the stairwell and it fits - boy is that high up. Doing the back wall should be ok but I still need to figure out how to work on the parts closer to the head of the stairs. I have about 3 or 4 options including pulling out some scaffolding I have. I left the framing for the false ceiling in place and it is sturdy enough to attach some extra framing to if necessary. I want to get the wiring in place for a new light fixture while I'm up there too. Being terrified of heights doesn't help but now that I've gotten a bit of a start on the project it should be easier to keep going. I've avoided doing this bit of work for over 30 years. I don't have the light fixture picked out yet but can put in a small regular light for now - I have a couple of those floating around here somewhere.
Odd - my usual approach is to tackle the biggest and hardest things first to get them out of the way - not the same thing here.
While I was outside cleaning the drive yesterday I finally moved where the spare key is kept to another location and messaged the kids to let them know - not that my daughter would be able to get to it easily from Seattle but if she needed to direct someone into the house she can guide them to the spare key so they don't have to break in.
In other news 20S's new job must be going well as she just bought herself a new car. Hopefully soon she'll be moving out of her Gran's house and wanting her stuff back. No indication from S on if / when she's coming back for another load nor any other soft of communication. She has another couple of months yet to get her stuff though and it's not very under-foot. A reminder of lessons painfully learned.
I'm still finding it nice to be in here with just myself and not even a cat. I do still manage the basic decencies like closing the bathroom door when in use. Maybe in some ways I needed those bad experiences to make me really appreciate what I have on my own.
We're coming partially out of lockdown next week and I have a haircut booked for Tuesday after the holiday Monday. Hopefully I can get together with my son and friends. I have open invitations from one of my best friends for wings and beer and also my "niece". They are in a different zone though. Probably be a few weeks for that to happen.
Valentines Day is Sunday and I don't know if I'll do anything for myself for it. I probably will. I hope the kids get their cards in time - they should have arrived by now. I have my birthday coming up next month - 57! Wow. There's a clock that I've had my eye on for some time. A wooden one with the same grasshopper escapement that were used in the early Harrison clocks - not that I'm a clock nerd, but I am a naval history nerd and the Harrison clocks were very important there. If I ever to make it to the UK I'll probably spend some time in Grenwich.
I've been playing with my Wyze camera setup and the Raspberry Pi that hosts the web page that publishes the shots. I've been able to automate things fairly well including automating backing up the images to the cloud and can probably just ignore it now. I'm rather pleased with how it all worked out and without spending a lot of cash. I'm poking around now to see if I can use the PI to host all of the music that I have and have it talk to the Google Home speakers I have. It "may" be possible - there certainly seem to be a good number of people wanting to do the same things.
Well - enough for now. Need to make some lunch and then prep for my meeting. I've been keeping half an eye on things at work and it's all going as smoothly as it could. Some issues that I suspected would pop up have and are being dealt with without me as should happen.
After I damp mop a section I scrub it by hand as well to ensure it's clean. I don't mop the floors often so like to be sure it's done well.
I am reminded of my exH's VERY tidy German grandmother who, when asked how she kept her trim figure, replied "I just scrub the floor on my hand and knees, that's good exercise!".
I don't have the light fixture picked out yet but can put in a small regular light for now - I have a couple of those floating around here somewhere.
Pick your fixture very carefully - remember, you are going to have to REPLACE the light bulbs in it some day! (Thank god for new long-lived LED bulbs though). I have a two story vaulted ceiling in my living room, and there's recessed lighting in the ceiling of the entryway. I had to buy a very long extension pole that has a suction cup on it, and then have to unscrew the bulb with the suction cup and just pray I don't drop it and shatter it all over when I take it down.
I am reminded of my exH's VERY tidy German grandmother who, when asked how she kept her trim figure, replied "I just scrub the floor on my hand and knees, that's good exercise!".
LOL - My great-grandmother was of German descent - a tiny powerhouse of a farmer's wife who certainly believed in hard work.
Funny-to-me fact. My oldest brother, when he gets tipsy tends to drunk-clean. And he's very good at it. Imagine waking up in the morning "Oh no! Must have had too much, not a thing out of place". For me, it's making the bed. No matter how my day goes, knowing that the bed is well made and a place I can retreat to from the travails of the day is important. When shared and things go - ahem - awry - I will try to surreptitiously straighten the covers out. It still confuses me how people like S could just have things in a rumpled heap and then expect to have a good night's sleep.
During my marriage I was the first up and so would make the bed after my ex smelled her coffee and emerged herself. Hopefully for her she's got OM well trained otherwise she'll have to do for herself
Got under the fridge and stove cleaned yesterday. Since the house dips in the middle I have shims under the back of the fridge. Last time I did this - probably a couple of years ago - it took me a while to get everything back in place and leveled. Considering my sore shoulder I put a broomstick under and used that as a roller to get the fridge back into place. Worked fairly decently. I found a huge amount of animal fur, a few spills and a couple of things that had been thought lost. The fridge should work better now.
Doing my performance review for work now having done my "I'm not working" review of incoming and outgoing loads. I get between 200-300 emails a day, most of which I can just glance at. I get copies of pretty much everything related to sales or production. I'm going to head "in to town" later and get groceries and go to the bank probably shocking everyone because it's not my normal day for such things.
I may attempt some wallpaper stripping this afternoon - or not. I still have the inside of the fridge to clean plus sweeping and dusting. Glad I'm taking some vacation time. I am going a bit of stir crazy from the lack of contact with any other creature I think though. It's funny how I can't even imagine what life would be like in these weird times if my ex-wife were still in my life. In the couple of years leading up to her affair she had been spending more and more time visiting her friends and drinking - she hardly ever used to drink prior to that - and so being on my own is a fairly "normal" thing. One huge difference is that I used to spend a lot of time "waiting" - for her to come home so we could do something together or even eat a meal together. A frustration I had even more so with S. Now if I want to do something I don't have to check with anyone and can do, or not do things at will.
I miss having another soul around - still waiting before getting a cat though. Kitten season is coming up I'm sure. As someone who believes in "energy" - the existence or absence of another soul makes a huge difference as does the quality of that soul. S had an aura reading machine that she was very attached to - it was expensive doncha know - that to the best of my knowledge she only ever used once and had to study up on it first. She said that she could read mine but at this point I'm figuring that 90+% of her presentation as someone who was in tune with the world around her was
a load of hooey but is undoubtedly a part of her internal narrative. There was so much about her environment and the people around her that just felt so "dark" and unhealthy. Bad metaphor time - haven't used one of these in a while but it just came to me - "If they sweep you off your feet you'll land in the dust."
Cleaning is one of my favorite stress-relievers!! lol When my X was deployed, you could lick the underside of the fridge! lol
*I think it was a load of hooey, too.
Good to see you focusing on the positives of being the captain of your own ship! Cheers to not giving the wheel to drunken pirates! (too far? I have a weird sense of humor)
(((andrew))) Love this post! I was worried about you for a hot minute!
Good to see you focusing on the positives of being the captain of your own ship! Cheers to not giving the wheel to drunken pirates! (too far? I have a weird sense of humor)
"Her don't know me very well, do her?"
LOL. I have the earring, a gaff rigged sloop and cannon. I dress up as a pirate on Halloween every year and usually (didn't last year for complex reasons) sit out in my sloop drinking rum and handing out treasure. It's amazing how fast a 9 year-old in a princess dress can run when there is a cannon going off
I used to have hair most of the way down my back that I would braid into a "proper" pigtail albeit I never tarred it. These days I have more of a George Clooney haircut - the rest of me beyond the grey hair - not quite so much ...
So - the pirate certainly has the wheel here
Cleaning is one of my favorite stress-relievers!! lol When my X was deployed, you could lick the underside of the fridge! lol
You're a former military spouse! My daughter's husband just left the Navy where he was stuck on some rather long deployments. I would tell her that the job of those left on shore was perhaps the harder because they had to keep everything going without the help of the spouse. She is also a super-organized and very tidy person - seems to have gotten that from my side of the family. They live up in Seattle now and will be having their 8th 2nd anniversary (got married twice - once for real and 2nd time for legal 6 months later) on Valentine's day. That bit was actually unplanned - it just happened to be when her visa got approved and they could get an appointment at the court-house. Makes it easy for me to remember.
I'm a big fan of nautical fiction especially Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey / Maturin series although it's been a few years since my last re-read. One key take-away is that making the ship "ship-shape" is important to be able to take it into battle. So a clean kitchen is ready to be created in. An unusable kitchen cannot be any good to anyone. I try to do a big clean once a month and then at least one major clean (which I'm in the midst of now) once or twice a year. It used to be a major source of pride how much nicer I kept this place than my ex-wife did. Now, I don't make any comparisons and just do it for me because I like it that way.
One of the bits on my list is to go through my shop which is in serious need of care. Small projects build up debris and I need to go through the whole thing putting everything away and cleaning and storing all the various supplies and tools. It's easy to just leave things out when you are doing a quick repair or fabrication but it builds up.
Thanks for stopping by 97Hope - glad you are getting out and about in our little community. It's much more than you would have seen on Newcomers. I pretty much never go there myself these days - the stories are just too raw for me.
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So - as I mentioned - the cleaning continues. Working on the kitchen cupboards now - pulling everything out, bleaching the shelves and re-imagining how it gets used. Not a lot is getting moved around much but as time goes, and to be honest, the input of people like the woman I dated 2 years ago (sheesh - has it been that long?) and S's daughter has moved things here and there. The principle is that like lives with like and that it should be close to where you need it. Pots and pans by the stove as are spices. Cups, mugs and plates by the sink. Less used things tucked away.
So far I've found no mouse poop but 2 dead bugs. S could never understand why I insisted on things being stored in sealed containers and I do know that some of her baking supplies ended up with suspicious black specs in them.
I did the fridge and the one little chest of drawers in the kitchen yesterday. I got distracted (I'm unsupervised) and wandered down to the shop and built a little wall-mounted holder out of scrap lumber for my google home that I'm rather proud of. It takes it off the flat surface which was the goal. Looking nice is a bonus.
I was in the bank yesterday and asked about the status of S's loan and got an answer that indicated that nothing had been done. So I sent her a vague message reminding her that the payment was coming up. That got me a pretty snarky response where she told me that she had already told me that it had all been taken care of but that I'd obviously forgotten. Sigh - I don't miss that regular accusation. I have a decent memory - for work I have to hold a hundred different bits of information and pull them out when needed but yes - do forget things from time to time. I dredged up the memory and she had told me - again after the bank had given me information - that she was "going to" deal with things. But she is a lying liar who lies. And who would use the standard DARVO arguments on me and burst into tears and tell me how unfair and a jerk I was who never remembered "anything" she said and how I had no respect for her. Le sigh. Nope - don't miss that at all. And given that she does lie, I'm just going to be careful and make sure that all the ducks are in place in case she is indeed lying and the loan comes out of the old joint account. I know that many people may believe that smoothing their way through the world with lies is fine - but I'm not one of those. And - of course - it was quite a while before I had solid proof that that was her attitude. And I also needed to form in my own mind that this was something that I just wouldn't stand for as my ex-wife also had the same attitude and I lived with that for 26 years.
I was checking my bank accounts today though and did a fist bump as my new mortgage is in place. My interest costs have gone down by 50% and with the extra $65/month I'm paying I will get this sucker paid off a lot quicker. I took a fixed rate as the market is currently frighteningly frothy as is much of the world. I still could really use a lottery win but the amount it costs me to live here in this rambly old house is less than it would cost for a 2 bedroom apartment so I'm not going to complain loudly.
The message from S did inspire me to take one final"ish" step and buy a new stove. I know what I want in a stove, I know what they cost so bought one online from one of the regional "big box" chains that also includes free delivery. I have the money saved - now that I'm not supporting S and her brood so it's no hit to the cash flow. When it arrives - I still have to get a delivery date - I'll clean S's stove that I've been using and put it with her other stuff that is still to be picked up.
Ah well - break time is just about over. Going to have a light supper tonight - my weight is waay up in the past couple of months probably because I'm both eating better and also eating up some of the more processed food that was left in the pantry. I did get out for a decent walk this afternoon at least.
Probably the processed food - and maybe the beer!
I’m not much for organizers but the one item I bought years ago for my kitchen that I still love is a plastic expandable spice rack step shelf organizer. It’s like stadium seating for your spices - the ones in back are higher than the front, so you can more easily see what you’ve got.
Good job on the refi! My goal when I bought this house post-divorce was to have it paid off before retirement. Unfortunately many unexpected kid expenses (several extra years of college expenses, legal and medical expenses etc) pretty much prevented me from doing that so far. However I’m still trying to get there. I may not retire as early as I wanted though lol. Lucky for me I like my work. My interest rate was so good when I bought my house that it’s never really been worth it to refinance. And I put enough cash into it that I could retire even if I have the mortgage payment. It would just be cushier without it.
10-12 WEEKS!!!! It will take 10-12 weeks for my new stove to be delivered. I couldn't believe it. The response from the store sounded like an invitation to bait-and-switch to buy something more expensive. A search online and it turns out that there are huge backlogs in appliance manufacturing and delivery and has been for some months. I checked other big box retailers who show their available inventory online and nobody has stoves in stock either locally or in any regions I would be willing to drive to. So - it is what it is. I suppose I could hunt around more aggressively and check with local stores. The couple whose sites I browsed all said that they would be happy to order in anything I may want so I expect similar issues.
If push comes to shove and S picks up stove I can get by - I have contingency plans. 10-12 weeks puts us into when she needs to get all of her stuff out and unless she moves out of her Dad's house (not sure how likely that is) she won't have a place for the stove anyway. If her past patterns continue, she's undoubtedly on the hunt for a fresh guy while keeping some of the past ones in reserve.
I'm rather glad though that I decided to order a stove now rather than wait until April which would have had me stove-less for some time.
Le sigh.
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Happy Singles Awareness Day!
Went to bed early yesterday filled with aches and pains. Undoubtedly from shifting furniture and a certain amount of laying on the floor scrubbing and re-organizing lower cabinets. I have the kitchen redone for now. Going to see how it all works out and then adjust as appropriate.
I was ticked off because it's obvious that S and her crew took quite a lot of random stuff that they shouldn't have. Yesterday's discovery was that pretty much all my "special occasion" bakeware is gone. AND my button jar. Who would take a button jar? I had found some random buttons while cleaning out the junk drawers and thought "I'll put those in the button jar". I remember putting it out of the way even well before S and I split as I didn't want it getting mixed in with all of her craft stuff and now it cannot be found. Sigh. There were some nice buttons in there. I'm going to look around a bit more but I'm pretty sure it's gone. I do know that S did knowingly take quite a chunk of stuff beyond what was "her's" but it really isn't worth making a fuss about.
I am glad that I can now get my silver and serving sets out from where I had squirreled them away - doesn't seem to be much missing but I was pretty explicit when I moved them to let her know where and why. Which of course offended and upset her quite a bit. At least some of it was probably relatively innocent with a crew of people packing up the house random stuff was sure to be grabbed. Like much of my bath pampering stuff. Le sigh. I can see the finish line at least.
20S stopped by to show off her new car and give me a big hug. I told her I was very proud of her finding her feet under herself. She is impressed with how the house is coming together and agrees that yes - this is a big place with lots of storage. She said that she is soon going to be looking for a place for herself and will be taking her stuff out of here then. She asked after S26 and grumbled because she never hears from him.
The flower shop was crazy busy yesterday but my roses were ready and waiting for me to pick them up when I got there. A cheerful "hi Andrew" from most of the staff at the back was yelled my way as they all worked like demons to get on top of orders. In-store shopping isn't allowed as of yet but they were letting one customer in the door at a time to stand in the foyer to pay. They're good people in there.
I was a bit annoyed that the gift shop in my village was open yesterday. I almost went in as a expression of support - but no - the rules are no instore shopping in those types of shops until Tuesday. This is the same lady who is anti-mask and anti-lockdown. In part I can see some of her point of view as this has undoubtedly been very tough on her small business.
At the bakery - where we can go in and pick up in a walled off entrance - they were all out of anything Valentines themed but had set aside my scone for me as usual. I like much of the being "boring and predictable" life - especially the parts that get me flowers and food. I think that the owner is still pretty annoyed at me for dumping her friend. Her sister - who isn't invested in a friendship with S is more supportive. It bothers her I think when I comment about all of the cleaning that I've been doing. I am careful to not say anything negative or bad about S - but the fact that there is so much cleaning required after she left could be taken that way. I've thought about apologizing for upsetting her but figure that the best thing is to just leave well enough alone. An apology would come with some justifications for my actions and really I don't think she wants to go there.
Going to perhaps take it easy today. I slept for nearly 11 hours last night - must have needed it. I'm doing my first solo Sunday Supper in some time. A small pork roast is in the slow-cooker and a loaf of bread is rising. I still have the dining room to organize and put away the "good china" and silver. The workshop is in dire need of a good tidy but with the limited head-room down there that might be held off for a bit yet. I still have the stairwell wallpaper and wiring to tackle but have managed to find excuses to avoid it. I do know that once I get started that it will all be fine but sometimes it takes me a while to do that.
It still feels good - even on Valentine's Day to have the elbow-room back. I felt so very "compressed" when S was here - difficult to describe. It's nice to not have to pick up after anyone else. I can certainly understand how especially many women of my age are perfectly happy being alone after a lifetime of caring for others.
Even when I pause and think about it, I can't imagine the person who would be able to complement my life without taking away those things I really enjoy. With B it was an attempt at fitting a square peg into a round hole - on both our parts. With me believing that I could be compatible with pretty much anyone. With S - who swooped in and shanghaied me - albeit I did go along with it all. I'm glad that I finally found my voice - rather later than I should have - and rescued myself from what was a very unhealthy situation. If nothing else, I'm now much more skeptical of others and protective of myself. Something that should have been in place earlier perhaps.
No matter your situation my dear readers - I do hope that you find Love this day - even if it's just looking into the mirror.
Happy Valentine’s Day, and congratulations on finding yourself comfortable again!
I doubt S will “need” her stove before your new one arrives, but I would have her take it with the last of her stuff anyway to save you from having to move it later. You can get by just fine with a hot plate and a slow cooker for a few weeks.
Sounds like your fitness routine this week is pretty effective! No pain, no gain!
Hi Andrew,
Wow--sounds like you've been crazy busy. A button jar?!?! I've had plenty of things wrongly taken after breakups--this time a potted plant, last time a bottle of champagne, but never THAT level of pettiness, lol.
With B it was an attempt at fitting a square peg into a round hole - on both our parts. With me believing that I could be compatible with pretty much anyone. Even when I pause and think about it, I can't imagine the person who would be able to complement my life without taking away those things I really enjoy.
Food for thought. A good relationship may be worth a little rounding of your square peg, or a little squaring of her round hole--WAIT, before you ask, this is NOT about sex--but it shouldn't require you to transform. Not into something you don't want to be. Not even into something you one day want to be. I thought similarly. I will try my hardest. My partner will try their hardest. And the peg and hole--STILL not about sex--will fit. I'll spend more time on compatibility next time.
I don’t think she took the button jar out of pettiness. She was not an organized packer, had people helping her quickly pack who would not have known whose stuff was whose, and as a hoarder with a prodigious amount of stuff, she probably couldn’t even remember what was hers versus his.
Wow--sounds like you've been crazy busy. A button jar?!?! I've had plenty of things wrongly taken after breakups--this time a potted plant, last time a bottle of champagne, but never THAT level of pettiness, lol.
There's a lot of stories around here of what weird stuff ex-partners take and what they leave behind.
I don’t think she took the button jar out of pettiness. She was not an organized packer, had people helping her quickly pack who would not have known whose stuff was whose, and as a hoarder with a prodigious amount of stuff, she probably couldn’t even remember what was hers versus his.
I think there was a bit from column A and a bit from column B. Her son certainly seemed to know that they had been rather free with the definition of what got taken or left.
Personally I suspect that if the item aligned with her interests, like the baking pans and the bath stuff, they left. She did talk about how with her former partner that he was complaining about her taking dishes as he would have nothing to eat off of and I know that she went in there (she still has a key to there but not here) when she knew he wasn't home to get "her stuff".
There's just so much that in hind-sight makes me go "ick".
At least being a minimalist kind of guy I'm not too stressed about the lack of "stuff". I have managed to replace the tea-trays. I can manage without the button jar. I only had to dip into it a couple of times a year. I was thinking today that I'm now pared down to the point that if I chose that I could probably move into a 1 bedroom apartment - not that that would make any sense for me.
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While I'm here, I might as well update. I still haven't gotten up into the stairwell but have managed to do almost everything else on my list while avoiding that task. I pulled the last of the cross-pieces out and so can almost imagine what it will look like - I think it will be great. I'm on my last week of vacation so fingers crossed that I'll be working on that.
I had a nice dinner last night. Roast pork, fresh bread, some wine. A candle to make it all romantic. It was nice. I then had a great soak in the tub which I needed because I did indeed clean up the workshop and since my back was sore did some other cleaning that required a lot of bending. Slept for about 12 hours.
I've discovered that I've become a somewhat restless sleeper. Since I wear a CPAP mask I have to semi-wake every time I want to turn. Before I would sleep on my back and not move at all but now I find that I'm shifting every few hours. When S and crew were here and up and active literally all night I was so very tired and know that I was even more restless then.
The last of the bread was used up as French Toast this morning so I went for a long walk around the village. Nearly 5 km. While I was out I had a nice chat with some neighbours. The one is one of our volunteer fire-fighters so got some more insight into that fire next door on New Years Eve. My heavens - the risks those men and women took. There were needles etc floating around in the basement, loose wires running here and there. He said that they were pretty close to asking me to evacuate and seemed pleased to know that we were all prepared even with bags packed. He said the neighbours on the other side weren't cooperative at all which is surprising. He said that there were quite a lot of risks in the structure with not just the fire and drug paraphernalia but also how packed and cramped the who place was. It sounds like there were a good number of modifications to the structure that undoubtedly had no building permit or inspection.
How it will all work out with the insurance and any possible re-building is still up in the air. My neighbour doesn't think that they will actually be allowed to rebuild. They were over the lot lines with the existing structure and it's a tiny postage stamp sized lot. If it comes on the market I'll certainly have to have some conversations with people who know more about this than I do about my options. I don't "need" more land and really don't have any spare cash to invest but with this property being zoned commercial having a street facing vacant space opens up quite a few possibilities.
As of midnight tonight we're moving out of lockdown and into a "yellow" / protect zone so the haircut I have scheduled for tomorrow should happen. It also means that restaurants will be able to open with partial seating so I'm going to ask my son out to brunch for next Sunday. I may also resume my past habit of taking myself out for dinner on Wednesdays. Been a loooong time since I did that. Areas to the south where I work and have friends are still in a tighter lock-down so it will be some weeks before I can see them. I will probably go back to my once-a-week trips to the plant.
I have left-over mashed potatoes set aside for tomorrow morning for "Fat Tuesday" potato pancakes for breakfast. One of my favourite things.
Just checked my signature line. Coming up on 5 years from bomb-day. What a different life I have than what I had. For one thing, I never made potato pancakes back in the day. Bomb-day was just before my birthday. I was 51 and my then wife was 50. I'll be turning 57 shortly. If the world hadn't pivoted I'd presumably be leading a comfortable life actively looking at downsizing and retirement. That's not the way the dice rolled though. At times like this I do wonder how she's doing and coping - more with just general curiosity than with any sort of compassion or concern. Having a vanisher is certainly a blessing as time goes on.
Well - time to start dinner. I'm going to make up some fresh biscuits to go with the left-over chili from Saturday.
There's just so much that in hind-sight makes me go "ick".
That stuff was making us go “ick”!
I had a nice dinner last night. Roast pork, fresh bread, some wine. A candle to make it all romantic.
You’ll make the right woman a great husband (or live out boyfriend) someday.
You should ask a realtor what that property would add to the value of your home.
Oh - and just because you CAN eat in a restaurant doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Indoor dining is particularly risky. I’ll keep getting takeout meals. With these new, more contagious strains, risks in restaurants will be going up soon.
Made it to page 3!
The life of a boring bachelor on vacation lockdown continues. It's generally been good although I'm doing too much "work work" including calling in to several meetings. I have another one this afternoon. It's annoying because it makes an un-movable hole in the middle of my day that constrains what I can do for the rest of it.
Been tinkering with my webcam some more. My neighbour asked me to take their house out of the shot. Originally when I'd asked them they were fine with it being visible but they were given the very good advice that it does mean that people online can see their comings and goings. I had to move the camera into another room and then do a lot of fiddling to crop them out of the shot. Learned a lot. I've also found that my camera will randomly change it's network address so did some more work to re-scan the network and reload routing tables automatically.
Been a fun little project still. And yes - he is still a computer nerd at heart.
There was of course no question on my complying with their request.
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So - I got some good news yesterday. When the store emailed me 10-12 weeks for my new stove I wrote back and said "ok" but asked if they had something comparable for a similar price. Turns out they do. So instead of a GE stove, I'll be getting an Amana basically identical stove (can't tell them apart) for about $25 more. Dealt with a very pleasant salesman over the phone who seemed happy that I was complimentary about them working to make the deal happen. The stove is to be delivered sometime next Wednesday.
While I was making dinner on Monday I discovered while in the middle of making biscuits that my biscuit cutters are gone too. Grrrrr. Again - not going to make a fuss about it but still annoying. Like really? There were 4 sets of cutters - just cheap ones in my baking drawer and she took them all. And they were all mine. Goes along with the theme though of entitlement and ignorance. Probably the thought pattern was that she bakes (actually rarely saw her bake anything) and obviously since I'm a man I don't. Well - more stuff for her to hoard while I get new stuff. EXCEPT that I can't find any of the darned things for sale. I do have a box of cookie cutters I set aside that I believe is still intact but biscuits should be round. I hand formed them for my dinner. I use a mix (gasp!) from the bulk store so that I can make 4 or 5 biscuits to go with my dinner. One of those single-person problems with recipes all expecting you to be feeding 12.
On the subject of S - another piece of mail showed up for her, I messaged her a picture of the envelope and set it with the others. I expect that she's changed her address on most things to her Dad's house. The first few times I did this I got back a "thanks" - now nothin. Which I'm fine with. I'm looking forward to having all of her stuff out of the house. I'll breathe even easier when that chapter is completely closed off.
I did have a laugh yesterday - it seems that her D19 (soon to be D20) is still following me on Instagram. There's been twice now that I've seen a like on one of my posts which by the time I check is gone. The extra effort to unlike is similar to the "un-follow" but perhaps she likes seeing pictures of food in a clean kitchen ...
I still believe that she and her boyfriend would have found a reason to move in here rent-free and jobless if things had continued. I now think that what I originally took for compassion and kindness was in effect just poor boundaries by S. She was known as the open door for all of her kids' friends but now I see it less as her being an "every-Mom" to just someone who didn't care who was around or wandering in or out. There were a few kids who I know would just go to her apartment to watch TV and eat snacks - not specifically to visit anyone. Just like S was fine with coming here with her dog and son for days at a time even before we were engaged. One of our fights was about that in fact where I had commented that I thought we were just dating after she was here for a nearly a week. She was pretty upset about that and of course I felt guilty. Perhaps something to watch for is that people with poor boundaries about others also have poor boundaries when it comes to their own interactions.
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I did get out yesterday and even though the hunt for a biscuit cutter was a dud (I'm going to see if I can find a small can) I did manage to get a haircut. I was getting rather shaggy and my barber got me in early on the first possible day. The guy in the chair before me was telling a story about a buddy of his who is single and swimming in poontang so it seems. He's on Tinder and according to the story there is a large number of available local single women who are all good looking and wanting to hook up. Yeah - don't really believe that and considering the nature of the story - well - ick.
My barber did remind me that I need to check with him before getting serious again as he's heard all the stories and knows many of the single guys also in the dating pool. He's kicking himself for not being more direct about the shortcomings of S that he had heard from her ex-boyfriend but then again regards that guy as rather a jerk and was discounting a lot of his opinions. I remember last time around though I showed him the local POF selection and he recognized a good number of the women and advised me to stay away from some specific ones that were just gold-diggers.
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Today's list is fairly quiet. I have a 2 hour meeting this afternoon as I mentioned which makes a bit of a hole that I have to work around. So no starting big projects today. I have a bunch of "office stuff" to do today. There's a local history book that I've been working on digitizing so that's reasonably high on the list for today. I also have to walk through - yet again - our raw materials planning process. That's probably going to hit me next week.
Reminds me of just before bomb-day. I had taken 2 weeks of vacation in the summer to replace the roof on the side porch and to take some courses online. My then wife was upset with me and pushed that we should just take off and go to Nantucket for a week. We'd never been there but she knew that there would be some museums in that area that I would be interested. She on the other hand had been scheduled to work that week. I pushed back. I already had plans, she didn't have time booked off and we ended up staying home and she was grumpy. I think that was one of the final straws in the "Andrew is no fun" narrative that led her down the path to her affair. She'd already been having drinks after work with OM at that point and was about to turn 50 which I think hit her "really" hard.
Looking back - if we had gone - it may have delayed the inevitable but perhaps not. I still think she would have gone down that particular rabbit hole.
I'd really like to go out for dinner tonight but think I'll skip it. Even though we have moved to a "yellow" zone here officially, the information from the public health is more cautious than what the politicians are saying. And the politicians are being taken to task in the legislature of what is seem as a premature loosening. The pub I would usually go to is indeed open with limited seating. Grrrr
Well - back to editing that book.
Re: S’s mail: stop texting her when you get stuff. If she is still getting stuff there but she has had stuff forwarded it is either junk mail or other non-essential stuff. Put it with the other stuff and let her get it then. She is not going to respond.
Re: biscuit cutters and button jars. I have 2 sets of biscuit cutter so I can send you a set if you don’t find some. Then you’ll have authentic Southern biscuit cutters. That HAS to be good Southern biscuit mojo, right? While I can see the point someone made that her taking these things may be less about being petty and more about being a hoarder who is disorganized and had a whole herd of folks come in and just throw her crap in boxes, I wouldn’t put it past S to be petty. I mean, her not responding to your mail text is beyond petty. It’s like Tom Petty level petty.
Re: weather. This is a bonus, Andrew, but I beg of you, please come get your d@mn weather! We got 7 inches of snow Sunday night into Monday. Yesterday, the temp was -1° when I got up at 7:00. We are getting another round expected to be 6-8” today with a high of 21°. Southern people are just NOT equipped for this. Cabin fever has set in and I’m just praying that we get the 50° temps this weekend that are forecast so I can go ANYWHERE BUT HERE! Send warm thoughts and snow plows and pray for Sparky because I am GROUCHY as all get out and we are trapped in this ever-shrinking house together. Did I mention we have no hot water? Blessedly we still have cold (VERY cold) water so I’m having to boil pots on the stove for bathing and washing dishes. We also blessedly still have power and our heat is butane so even if our electricity goes, we’ll still have heat and be able to cook (stove is also gas). Thank goodness we have a generator if power goes out so we can still have tv which is really the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. How do you Yanks and Kanucks do it? This S?CKS!!!!!!!!!!!
Rant over. Enjoy your vacay!
I don't ever remember using a biscuit cutter in the house when I was a child, even though my parents made biscuits quite often - a water glass worked just fine as a biscuit cutter.
Maybe S has done you a favor in relieving you of some things - watch that netflix documentary on minimalism and it may make you rethink how many kitchen items you need!
(And don't ay we didnt try to warn you to supervise or pack your things away - at least you saved the good stuff).
Many of us are on a tear during these lockdowns, clearing out stuff - I read that the Goodwill had three times its normal donations. I know I've been a part of that. Cleared out my closet and got rid of a lot of unnecessary clothes - now I can actually find and use the ones I have. And once CMM is gone, I will definitely do the same in my kitchen, which has too many multiples because of combining his stuff and mine.
Now that you are getting your new stove, how are you going to get rid of hers?
I still have a lot of clearing to do - my garage especially - and have S to thank for the inspiration. Hearing tales of her hoarding definitely made me want to get rid of everything excess!!! Also, since my mom died, I've thought more about the concept of Swedish Death Cleaning. Because my mom had moved in with me about 9 years earlier, I didn't have to deal with too much of her stuff - it had already been winnowed down in the moving process. I realize if I were to suddenly kick the bucket, my kids would have a lot more stuff to deal with - and that's not easy when you're grieving. So my ultimate goal is to get rid of excess stuff, to organize paperwork so they could easily find what they need, and to enjoy living with less clutter. My house is pretty good now that I've done my closets - bedroom could use a little more work but not much. But my garage has been the dumping ground for not just my things but my mom's, CMM's, and all three of my kids at some point, and it's in definite need of a purge. The blessing AND the curse of having a 3 car garage. One third functions as a pantry and tool bench/tool storage. One third has a car in it. The other third has some nice sturdy 2 x 4 shelving the previous owner constructed. I need a fair bit of space for old chart storage. But if I could get everybody to cooperate and purge through the existing stuff, I could probably free up a quarter to a third of the storage space, which would make everything also more accessible. Too many Xmas decorations, for one thing. Old computers that my son will never use again. I already got rid of a treadmill and old vibraphone which were taking up space out there, but now it's time to get down to the nitty gritty.
I agree w/Dawn, i.e., stop texting her about the mail. Box it up and some day, she'll be back around to get the rest of her stuff and that's when I would make sure it was with her other stuff. She's a grown woman and should have by this time put in a change of mailing address.
I also want to send back to you this cold, snowy and icy weather that we have been experiencing this month. We aren't use to this kind of stuff each and every weekend. Daffodils are still sprouting up and the squirrels and bunnies are out today because it's sunny, but biting cold here. Come on spring!
I think you are going to find a lot more stuff missing. The only way that you will know what is missing is when you go looking for the items. She's like a child who sees something and just picks it up. Petty? Maybe. Hoarder, most definitely. She has so much stuff that she may not know what she has and what she doesn't have...but while you are off, take some time and just check all of the drawers and cabinets. I am not at all surprised to read that some things "walked". I'm sorry that you now have to go out and purchase replacements.
Glad to read that your stove will be here in a week. Where are you going to put S's stove when the new one comes? I hope it's going right next to the other piles of stuff on the porch so that she'll pick it up, right along with the box of mail.
I'm sorry you are having to participate in meetings, especially during the middle of the day. It sure breaks up your day to get some things done.
Try to get some "me" time in and rest up.
Yeah, about the mail - can't you just write "Forward to..." and her current address and put it back out in the mailbox? I mean, unless it looks like some super-important government document that she might need immediately, why give her more reason to come by?
That HAS to be good Southern biscuit mojo, right?
I'm in many ways convinced that my son is still not dating because when we went down to Hilton Head SC for his sister's wedding he got a chance to eat "real" biscuits. Now don't get me wrong, we Canadians are the best at almost everything. Except biscuits. I'm sure that he is taking my advice to only date someone who can make "proper" biscuits. When we'd stop at a hotel he'd first scout the buffet to check the quality of the available biscuits.
I will admit that I'm intimidated by the thought of making such good biscuits myself much less my expectation that there is no recipe out there that will make just 3 or 4 biscuits at a time. If I ever do get back into the dating pool perhaps that's one of my requirements. You'd be my hero Dawn if you did have a small batch biscuit recipe that would work ok for a bachelor cook. I am a "from scratch" guy so am not really interested in boxed biscuit mixes out there like what I got from the bulk store.
On the other hand, my mother used to make what I called Farmer's Stew and she called "clean out the fridge day" stew. She would cover the top with a sheet of tea biscuit dough after it had cooked for a few hours and then bake that. The top was crispy and the bottom filled with stew gooey goodness. I'm literally drooling remembering that. Mother wasn't a great cook but that was THE one thing from my childhood that gives me such good memories.
Re: weather. This is a bonus, Andrew, but I beg of you, please come get your d@mn weather!
I also want to send back to you this cold, snowy and icy weather that we have been experiencing this month. We aren't use to this kind of stuff each and every weekend. Daffodils are still sprouting up and the squirrels and bunnies are out today because it's sunny, but biting cold here. Come on spring!
It should be cherry blossom time for you job. I recall being in your neck of the woods a couple of years ago right around now and loving how they looked.
I was going to make some snarky jokes about wussy 'Mericans but oh - my - heavens. Setting aside the politics, the fact that people are still without power in parts of the South and are dying is serious stuff. Up here we know how to deal with this sort of stuff and are generally prepared. I have a small propane space heater rated for indoor use and can think off the top of my head of a number of friends and relations who have secondary sources of heat if I needed to evacuate. Dealing with frozen pipes and such is as normal to us as watching for tornados or hurricanes is for those now dealing with ice storms. I hope that they can get things figured out soon to get people into shelters and take care of the more vulnerable. A few of the things I've read from the politicians and some others makes me upset. You take care of each other and your neighbours. That's what community is all about.
There's going to be such a mess when things start thawing as well - lots of broken pipes and I would also expect a number of house fires and carbon monoxide poisionings.
Now that you are getting your new stove, how are you going to get rid of hers?
Glad to read that your stove will be here in a week. Where are you going to put S's stove when the new one comes? I hope it's going right next to the other piles of stuff on the porch so that she'll pick it up, right along with the box of mail.
That's exactly what I'm going to do. I fished my 2-wheeled cart out of the garage and it's ready to wheel her stove into the front porch with her other stuff including her mail. I'm not planning on bothering to let her know that her stove is available - not my issue. It was "nice" of her to let me continue to use it. I get the feeling that she thinks that I'm a lot more helpless and disorganized than the reality.
Yeah, about the mail - can't you just write "Forward to..." and her current address and put it back out in the mailbox? I mean, unless it looks like some super-important government document that she might need immediately, why give her more reason to come by?
There's only 3 pieces of it and it's all related to her Dad's passing. I'm a bit surprised she's not had me even scan it down to her - but I'm not the boss of her. So - to me - at least some of it does indeed look like super-important government documents. I wouldn't know for sure because of course I've not opened any of it. It does fall into her usual pattern though of just ignoring things and letting them pile up. No clue if she's driving back and forth to see her D26 or S18 or if her D19 is still living with her former partner the next village over. All ways in which she could easily have her mail picked up. I suspect that she's nesting down at her Dad's former house and not going anywhere. The impression from the very terse message I got from her D26 was that she was pretty upset at her Mom and perhaps they're ignoring each other again.
I was thinking this morning that she is undoubted pretty confused and ticked at me - especially if her son's narrative is accurate that I'm the first guy in his memory who actually split from her. She maybe expected me to try to "win her back" rather than closing the door and start the environmental remediation. If she was on OLD she could look like a pretty good package - well educated, attractive, quirky, lots of cleavage. Ah well - just another 2 months of being a storage locker for her. By that time she may well have landed a new guy - it seems important to her and her daughters that they have a man in their lives and from some of the choices made, they're not overly choosy. And then he can "rescue" her stuff from her horrible ex-fiance who thinks more of his precious house than her feelings.
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Work seems crazy busy and one of our very small number of admin staff abruptly retired yesterday. Along with the meetings and such I've been trying to stay on top of emails - there are probably about 300 or so a day. It's going to be tough on me when I start taking on the new responsibilities. It looks like the key times are from about 6:30 to 9:00 am that a lot of decisions etc need to be made. I'm usually only part way through my first pot of tea at that point.
After yesterday's conference call on new systems / processes we had a secondary call with just us plant people. My boss was expressing real concern on how to go about my training - a legitimate concern. Not being able to be physically in the plant to share knowledge, collaborate and heck - just see what's going on will make it quite a challenge. I know that for what I'm currently responsible for that I'm itching to "just pop in for a bit" as I'm concerned that we're running out of containers.
I just now got to the top of my inbox and part way through my second pot of tea. Ah well - most of the noise is now taken care of - only 2 things that I felt a need to chime in on out of probably 250 emails. Going to try to have a quiet day here with minimal house-work. I did stay home yesterday and had an "emergency pizza" for dinner. I tried to watch some TV but was too fidgity to sit for long and went to bed at what would be a normal time for me.
I have been a bit wierded out in the past few days because I've been finding random long grey hairs around the house. Now I had long grey hair mid-way down my back but went "George Clooney" shortly after bomb-day - so like 5 years ago. Much cleaning been done since then. S has curly red hair that she keeps dyed. The length is about 6-8" or so - about what my ex-wife would normally have in recent years but considering that I rarely leave the house and usually lock the doors when I do, how could those have gotten in here? This morning's deposit was on my desk. No sign on the security camera of anyone coming or going either.
I have been thinking about my ex-wife more lately - perhaps this is why?
Weird.
Maybe those long gray hairs came in on all of S's hoarder stuff, and fell off when that stuff went out of the house? Or maybe you till had stray long hairs from your hippie days in the storage areas where she had her things stashed in your house, and they fell out when she removed her stuff?
Some days it just pays to keep your big yap shut and enjoy the feeling of being right.
Those who are playing the home game may recall how I got a smack-down from S when I reminded her that her loan payment was coming up and asking if she'd changed it. She told me that "obviously" I didn't remember that she had told me that she had already changed it. Well - I didn't trust that so made sure that it would be covered as it comes out today. This morning at 2:26am an email came in that she had deposited money to the account and at 7:42 am another that the loan payment has come out.
I'm not going to say a thing .....
Lying liars lie. It does validate that her constant nagging at me that I never remembered anything she said was to at least a good degree, just gaslighting. Whether deliberate or not is open to debate as could be the question of it it is one of her strategies to keep a partner off balance and under control.
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On a whim yesterday I signed up for Tinder for probably about 11 minutes. I was curious based on what I'd heard at the barber shop but really put off by how they seem to want to draw you right into the world when I just wanted to sit on the sidelines and see if I dared put my toe out eventually. I have been feeling myself feeling more open to friendships - and not just because of what is a bit farther down in this post. Getting my physical house in order has I think helped a lot with my mental house. Perhaps a variation of "Mens sana in corpore sano". I still have no interest in opening my home to others - going to be rather protective of that. No more long grey hairs have been spotted but they still freak me out a bit. I've been doing some smudging but only in the upstairs bath. Might be time to just go through the whole darned house.
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Vacation is now over and back to the grind - it's going to not be too hard to get back into the swing of things because I never really left and usually put in at least an hour or two each day. New responsibilities will be coming my way as well - both a concern and something I'm looking forward to. It's still not really clear on what they will be as there are at least a dozen areas of responsibility that seem to be being tossed in my general direction.
I did get out for a decent walk around the entire country block - about 7 1/2 km on Thursday afternoon. A lovely day for a stroll although it's been some time since I've walked that far. Usually I do about 5 km with less hills. When I went out yesterday I only got about 2km then my shins were giving me grief so I decided to not push it too hard.
I popped in to the local craft shop (the one run by the anti-masker) and we had a nice chat. I think like me she was starved for human company. She's having an open house today so I'll probably pop in again - she said there will be home-made cookies available. Despite our differences on some issues I quite like this person and she is respectful of my different opinions although she disagrees. And yes kml - I said opinions not facts although I accept the current situation as fact. I'm not sure if she's seeing anyone these days or not. She mentioned a partner last year but he never comes up in conversation so perhaps doesn't exist any more. She's a "very" intense person who I think powers through the world with sheer determination. I had a close look at her and was surprised to realize that she is actually quite a tiny person physically. She may be getting me to help her set up some security cameras as she was interested in my setup and has two different store-fronts she uses and being able to keep an eye on both is something she's been trying to figure out.
I was rather startled yesterday afternoon when out of the blue(ish) I had a texting conversation with the woman I went on a couple of dates with a couple of years ago - back then referred to as "CL". She was in the midst of the drama of her divorce and had a lot of stuff she was going through and so we drifted apart. It appears that when the weather gets nicer that we're going to go walking together. She had messaged me a month or so ago and suggested we get together for drinks - again when restrictions are lifted so I shifted that out to the back-burner. I feel different about it this time. Previously I had been in a bit of awe of this very attractive, intelligent and outgoing woman who seemed to be in hot pursuit of me. She does have some qualities that I wasn't overly keen on such as a bit of a rather blunt way of saying things at least at the time.
We had a nice chat though until I had to go and make myself dinner. She does seem to have mellowed a bit which is no real surprise given before she was in the midst of a high conflict divorce. I like her as a person and consider her not quite a friend but certainly close to that category. She still has her 2 kids at home although her oldest I think is at least 19. We've touched base a few times over the years, usually whenever I see something that her son might be interested in as we have a couple of over-lapping interests.
I don't know if she's tried to date at all but given that generally speaking she would only be looking at people inside her faith community the odds are pretty high that she's just been living her life. I'm not part of that community myself but she knows I'm respectful of it and I am in many ways a known quantity as technically we are related although there are no blood ties.
The odds are non-zero that she's on the hunt and that I'm in her sights. She certainly seemed to have "us" all figured out a couple of years ago at least as far as going traveling together. She's an executive at an engineering firm so certainly not a rescue by any measure.
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Should be a busy but positive weekend. I need to go to the bank and restock on cash, stop by the butcher shop and pick up my order and then cleaning, laundry and hopefully some more work on the local history book I've been editing. Tomorrow I'm getting together for brunch with my son for the first time in a loooong time - part of what I'm picking up at the butcher shop is as a treat for him.
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Well - I still need to clean out the snow from the driveway, finalize the grocery list and get under way. First need to review the budget and make the various notes that I keep my brain in while I'm running errands.
Still haven't figure out what to make for dinner although pan-seared chicken is up on the list. I'd like to try something new but am not sure what. I have looked at some recipes for small batches of biscuits but the calorie count is off the charts - no wonder they are so good. They also call for buttermilk or heavy cream which I don't want to keep in stock. Maybe just need to plan on making these the next time I have to get cream for one of the cream sauces I like to make.
I have the pantry largely purged of the left-over stuff from when S and crew were here. Some stuff like canned soups aren't a regular thing but they keep. The freezer is down pretty good - the box with the dead critters in it is easily accessible
I'm trying to figure out what to do with the 2 large beef roasts I have. The sort that would feed 10 people. I'm tempted to ask around to see if anyone wants them. I also have a stack of soup bones that I will probably make broth with sometime before spring. Once the few remaining bigger things are out of the freezer I'll be able to power it down. I'd offered it to S - no clue if she will take it or not.
Stay safe everyone.
Getting my physical house in order has I think helped a lot with my mental house. Perhaps a variation of "Mens sana in corpore sano".
This is my focus right now, Marie Kondo and Kathi Lipp! I'm glad it's having the effect for you I'm hoping it'll have on me. I have company coming over this afternoon which will help me double my efforts.
I just wanted to sit on the sidelines and see if I dared put my toe out eventually.
I think like me she was starved for human company. She's having an open house today so I'll probably pop in again - she said there will be home-made cookies available..
The odds are non-zero that she's on the hunt and that I'm in her sights. She certainly seemed to have "us" all figured out a couple of years ago at least as far as going traveling together. She's an executive at an engineering firm so certainly not a rescue by any measure.
Andrew, you sound like you're doing more than dipping a toe in, lol! It sounds like you feel kinda ready and in 1-3 months we're going to hear the PG-version of some romantic happenings. I don't know where you are exactly in your journey--does dating now align with your values, have you thought through what you require of a partner?
Take it slow, Andrew. You’re already making excuses for the anti-masker lady, and glossing over some of the things you didn’t like about CL. While it’s fine to have a friendly drink or meal with a friend, we just don’t want to see you do the same thing of putting an overly-generous spin on things like you did with S. A “very intense person who powers through” might be a domineering person who doesn’t really have enough empathy for others to wear a mask. Or might be someone impulsive who doesn’t plan well and always functions in crisis mode. Only time and really getting to know someone can answer those questions. You get attached too easily once sex is in the mix, so keep things slow and friendly with any of these women .
Andrew, if these things didn't work out in the past there was a darn good (or several darn good) reason(s).
Slow. Steady. Eye on the prize - you own internal self.
Why don't you date yourself for a while? See how that goes?
Thanks for the kick in the realities. Putting down the whitewash brushes as best I can. Fortunately because of the lock down I am somewhat protected from myself.
On an aside, S and EX#2 (or 3) stopped by and picked up more stuff. Their S18 by their account is settling in his new place ok. Her D19 and BF are moving in with her, losing their spot with her ex partner. So glad I'm not part of any of that drama.
She also apologized for the banking mixup, blaming the bank staff and only dancing around the fact that she accused me of not hearing something she never said.
It sounds like her Dad's house will be auctioned off shortly (?) and she still hasn't figured out where she will live. From what I gathered she may be sending her youngest off to an Aunt but then again there are so many moving parts that keeping track would involve caring.
I felt a bit bad for her because she was obviously in a lot of physical pain probably from moving her kids here and there but I had no urges to rescue.
Oh. And the gift shop lady had no cookies so I was sad.
bake your own cookies. they're probably better anyway.
I have zero sympathy for S ... lots for her kids.
Andrew, you sound like you're doing more than dipping a toe in, lol! It sounds like you feel kinda ready and in 1-3 months we're going to hear the PG-version of some romantic happenings. I don't know where you are exactly in your journey--does dating now align with your values, have you thought through what you require of a partner?
This is a regular question here. I've learned that it needs to be turned upside down. What "don't" I want with a partner instead.
Things I don't want - sadly based on what I've encountered rather than pre-thought out.
- poor financial literacy. It's ok to be broke but balancing a cheque-book shouldn't be beyond them.
- controlling personality
- a wish for a Brady Bunch reunion - I have my own kids, don't need to be Dad to someone else's
- wanting to change how I dress, where I live
- moving too fast and pushing for cohabitation
- poor life skills - needs to be able to care for themselves and their surroundings
- NO HOARDERS
- NO LIERS
I personally believe that a surprising number of middle-aged women fall into one or more of these categories as do undoubtedly a large number of men.
While I'm getting more open to the idea of dating it being roughly 4 months since S and I split, even the idea of getting a cat is still quite a bit for me at present.
During the times from bomb-day up until I started dating now 2 years ago, I felt an empty place in my life that I wanted to fill. Hoping to add to the very good life that I had. Now I feel like I've expanded to fill all the space needed.
In some ways I feel selfish but am getting over that. I used to feel that I had a lot to offer for the right person. It's now switching around to "what's in it for me". And I don't really need much. I'm financially secure both now and going forward into retirement. I'm able to cook, clean, do household maintenance, manage my finances all on my own. At nearly 57 the biological urges aren't nearly as strong as they would have been 30 years ago although they certainly still exist.
I lead a fairly full life despite the lockdown with hobbies, interests, work, friends and family. I miss the theatre, flea markets, museums, and good restaurants. Things that are indeed better with someone else. I like feeding people - cooking for 1 takes quite a bit of effort but I don't want to be on the hook for cooking for multiple people every day. It's exhausting. And I don't have any interest in cooking for groups of 8 or more more than once or perhaps twice a year.
poor financial literacy. It's ok to be broke but balancing a cheque-book shouldn't be beyond them.
Well - it’s only ok to be broke if it was due to circumstances beyond their control. Not due to poor life choices or spending habits. Any woman in your dating age range should be at least able to pay her own bills, and ought not to be broke unless she’s had an ex who stole/spent all the money or has developed a medical disability (or possibly had a business failure due to Covid). Unfortunately many women are not good with budgeting or have a princess mentality that a man is always gonna save them - but there should also be plenty of women who know how to live within an adult job income. As I’ve said before, I’d rather date someone with a modest income who knows how to live within that income, than someone with a large incomes who spends beyond their means and runs up debt.
Perhaps one screening question (not for a first date, though, obviously) is “what are your plans, financial and otherwise, for retirement?” Someone who says “oh, I’ll never be able to afford to retire” or “I’ve never given it any thought” is probably not a match. Someone who says “ I’m trying to pay off my mortgage before retirement “ or “I think if I downsize I’ll be able to live on my pension “ or even “I plan to retire to a sunny third world country where I can live well on my retirement benefits” would probably be worth considering.
Please note - it’s less about what assets they have for retirement, and more about whether their head is in the sand or they’re actually being proactive about their finances. Even my BFF who freezes up if you even try to do math around her budget, has a half-baked plan: continue to teach music into old age, collect social security, hope the sale of her deceased husband’s papers goes through, get her only son through college so that he can earn a good income, and exercise daily to stay healthy. She also does not spend frivolously.
Happy Wednesday all!
The weather's been getting warmer and not it turns out that my unheated side porch this morning smells like an incontinent cat. It didn't previously but that may have just been that it was cold. That's part of the house that didn't get scrubbed yet. Sigh - eventually ....
Some news of note - or not.
More mail arrived for S - looked important and some of it was for her S18 and may have been related to his program so I sent her a picture without comment.
First she responded that she was going to stop by and pick it up as she had to get her now nearly 20 year old daughter's prescriptions. Then that got modified later to say that her D26 would be picking it up. Then - can I put the items in the mailbox by the door. It did get picked up sometime mid-afternoon. I suspect that her D26 didn't want to interact with me. Don't know and really don't care.
I'm happy that all of S's things are now out of the main part of the house - progress. I wheeled her stove out to the front porch this morning. My new stove is to arrive mid-afternoon. I'm looking forward to it. I don't really regret selling my old stove when S moved in as it had started acting up anyway and I had been thinking of replacing it.
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My son took a couple of vacation days off work and stopped by on Monday with a big batch of banana muffins. I made sure to make appreciative noises - they were indeed pretty good. He also reminded me that I am under instructions that I have to text him prior to mounting the ladder in the stairwell which I had forgotten. He likes the new rugs and how the house is coming together.
Our relationship has gotten pretty good over the last year or so. I'm glad how it is going. We're back to the brunch every 2 weeks schedule and have a good visit. We're still working out on when the Sunday Supper schedule may be which would be tied to his poker games that haven't restarted yet. I've suggested that he could do laundry here as well but it's a long drive for that. He's gotten somewhat more comfortable about mentioning the existence of his mother even though he pretty much never does, as well as teasing me and cautioning me about dating. So the whole "Dad might date someone" thing is now normal to him now.
I had a long phone call with my daughter yesterday who was freaking out. They've been pre-approved for a mortgage and are house shopping and she wanted to go over the home inspection report for one house with me. Given his background especially in the Navy, I have high confidence in my son-in-law's capabilities around the house for repairs and renovations. After talking to me and I confirmed what were items of concern and that some of the things she was looking at were well within her husband's skill sets. I think she learned a bit as well like to be very very careful if there is aluminum wiring which this house had some of and has a lot more confidence going forward. They aren't taking this particular house they were looking which was a cute little 2 bedroom house built about 100 years ago but may well get something similar. She's really looking forward to getting out of living in a box stacked with other boxes.
Lots of meetings today. I had a long session with my boss going over some of the things I need to be paying attention to and I was completely honest that - yes - it's going to take me multiple tries to really get the hand of things.
He figures 6 months which is probably reasonable. Business seems to be down a bit again on some of our product lines and we seem to be having some trucking capacity issues. It turns out that for very good reasons where drivers would be happy shifting each other's trucks around in the yard and while loading that they don't do that now as a precaution against infection.
Lots of meetings today and I hope to get into the plant tomorrow for the day. I really want to have a look around and check on some things that may have been shifted with some other projects happening there. It makes for a long day as I lose an hour of sleep because my start time of 6:45 doesn't change and neither does my end time of usually close to 5:00 or a bit after. My predecessor in this role would actually tend to come in to the plant about 9:30 or so having done a couple of hours of work at home but he lives a lot closer than I do. It's nice in some ways that I can structure my schedule without needing to be considerate of anyone else especially in this transition period.
I'm not feeling lonely much as I keep myself busy but there are those mornings when I miss someone next to me and the times when it would be nice to share my thoughts with someone other than this screen and to go on adventures with. I worry about getting stuck back in the "wearing a groove in the carpet" mode I was in before. Not that I have any actual plans to change anything - still not 100% convinced I even want to get a cat yet.
Well - that's about all for now.
Happy Saturday - late posting today. I didn't have time this morning and of course that gives me more gossip ...
I was up late last night because after the usual Friday evening "zoom happy hour" with some former colleagues I decided to watch a movie so it was around midnight when I got to bed. I even left dirty dishes on the counter
The weather here has been decent lately and Spring is very much on it's way. I know that the maple syrup producers have already been out in the bush tapping trees and this is perfect production weather. Good freeze at night, above freezing through the day and a good amount of sunshine. We'll get a bit of snow and cold weather here and there but Winter is receding quickly. I'm really looking forward to being able to open the windows and start airing the house out. Most years it's needed but this year especially it is. There's still a bit of a barnyard smell from the room that S's son was in - I'll probably need to scrub the walls down in there too.
Work has been crazy busy despite a significant recent drop in orders on some of our product lines. I've been learning more about plant production and rail-car management. We have two sidings, a main and secondary to place cars on. Taking cars out of the main yard for the railway, placing them and at times shuffling them around is tricky as it also has to be balanced with customer demands for those cars. One key thing I learned was that changing the order of the cars , even the ones from the main yard is something to avoid. And of course we can only "ask" for cars to be shifted in a particular order. The railway does what they do and we have to live with it and sometimes they don't show up at all. Because each movement costs a fair amount of money that has to be looked at. Shift a car 3 times and you've eaten up most of the profit we would have made on that load.
My boss is very much an engineer and keeps most of this all in his head and just "knows" it. He said that it will probably be 6 months before I am comfortable with this and I certainly agree. One thing that has come out of me reporting to him that is perhaps unexpected is that he now gets the industry gossip. He's not a very social person and while I think of myself as an introvert I do stay in regular touch with the friends I've made over the years, many of whom are now customers, suppliers, competitors or all three. It seems that a major player in our industry is looking at some consolidation and downsizing that may open up new opportunities for us so I passed that along with caveats that it was just rumour. Announcements have already been made to staff at those locations so while not "public knowledge" it certainly I feel falls into the "common knowledge" so I'm not violating any confidences here. Always have to be careful of that as well as what I say. It's interesting how the chemical industry is really a big and somewhat dysfunctional family.
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One thing I wish I had was someone to talk to about this sort of stuff. My ex-wife was never really interested in my work. B did her best to follow along but was overwhelmed and S just glazed over her eyes and I could quickly see that she just plain didn't care but was trying to be polite - some of the time. I think that unless I was to have a relationship with someone who is also in this business that having a partner to talk to about it isn't a thing. I'm pretty excited though about everything going on. I'm learning a "lot".
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The movie I watched last night was The Princess Bride - a favourite of mine and also "C". I'd not heard from her in a while since she suggested we go walking when circumstances permit so I sent her a shot of the movie joking that I hoped that a particular restaurant we both like doesn't carry iocane powder. The intent was to let her know that I'd not forgotten that we are planning on getting together sometime when we can for a visit. We messaged back and forth a bit - she asked about the status of my stairwell project to which I told her that I still haven't found the courage to go up the ladder. Part of the issue as well is that my shoulder is "still" bothering me a month after I fell. My knee only twinges from time to time and my shoulder is getting better. I think it's best to get it back some more first so that I can raise my arm over my head for an extended period of time - something that I just can't do still.
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I don't know if I mentioned it or not but "F" from the flower shop is actually unattached again. I'd asked her last week if her "men-folk had spoiled her" for Valentines. An innocuous enough question. She has it appears no men-folk other than her son - who I still can't get over that he's 8 now. She has an odd living arrangement being in a house with her son's dad - who she hasn't been attached to romantically since before her son was born - living in the basement. It works for her and especially her son. I do know that his dad is very attached to him. So the relationship she did have with the guy who I believe works in the city 2+ hours away - didn't last very long at all. That kind of explains why she and all her co-workers seem to be so very interested in me and my own relationship status again in recent times.
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For me - I'm largely liking my single status and even the pet-less part. I do still think that I'll probably get a cat eventually but am in no rush. Kitten season is coming up soon and I'm sure my various cousins will all be trying to find homes for various new arrivals. Taking them to the river "for a swim with a rock" is still very much a thing in this part of the world too.
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I'm liking my new stove so far. It's taking me time as I expected to get used to it and how it cooks. My omelette this morning didn't turn out as well as I would like because I need to learn the right heat settings. The elements are a bit smaller too and laid out differently than S's old stove. Surprisingly the oven light is only manual - there's no door switch despite the manual insisting that there is one. I was tempted to take it apart to double-check but that's not a good idea. I expect that one of the reasons it was inexpensive is because that part doesn't exist. It also doesn't self-clean. A feature I rarely used anyway. I was surprised to read in the manual that putting an aluminum foil tray under the element on the bottom is not recommended. I was going to get one to make cleaning easier.
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Been a busy day. 2nd load of laundry is in and it's already getting towards supper time. I'm thinking that I'll make baked mac and cheese with tuna tonight. Mine still isn't quite as good as what my ex-wife used to make but I don't make it very often as it's a lot of carbs. I also don't have her white-sauce recipe so start with a cheese sauce. I have stewing beef out for tomorrow. I'll do another loaf of bread as well.
I'm wanting to do some decorating for spring so popped in to the gift shop the next village over. The owner, who is a charming lady who I had thought before was "interested" has it up for sale and she's planning on moving to the city where her long-time boyfriend lives. She has a "lot" of opinions and talked my ear off so even though I didn't find any decor I wanted I was there for well over an hour. She has strong opinions about some people and so I got an earful about the lady who runs the craft shop in my own village about what a psyco crazy b.... she was. Which actually I kind of have a hard time dis-believing despite the fact that I like her.
I have a bucket of "work" work to do as well as getting my taxes hammered into shape this weekend. I did have some back and forth with my boss and did the daily reporting and some of the monitoring that my job requires. No rest for the wicked. But there's some other analysis and setup work that I'm going to have to make time for tomorrow. No time during the week as this requires some solid concentration time and there's just too much constantly having on a regular work day.
My upcoming birthday is hanging over my head. 57. I was 51 on bomb-day which was just a couple of days before my 52nd birthday when we were on a "romantic getaway" in Mexico. For some reason 57 feels a lot older than 56 did and certainly 55. 55 I celebrated with B. 56 with S. 57 - I'll call my daughter and my son will come by a day or so later to help eat up the cake. 57 feels a lot closer to 60 - which is one of the "big ones".
I'm not looking at this birthday with regrets for things not done. In many ways I'm still a relatively young man despite being what some would think of as later middle-aged. I have a good life that is presently rich in ways that I never would have imagined at 51. The birthday present that I bought for myself should be delivered early next week - not sure if I'll leave it until the actual birthday or not. There are indeed few rules that I need to follow here.
Well - time for more around the house. A man's work is never done ....
Andrew, sounds all and all like a very positive update! I can't help but laugh at you feeling your age at 57 more than 55. I was thinking the same thing about my early 40s vs my late 30s! It's clear our bodies are in some ways only going downhill. Good thing we control the muscles, fat, hair, and clothes at least!
I agree with CW that you have an overall positive update. The age thing made me laugh as well. Sparky said something to me the other day about being 51 and I thought no, I just turned 50. 51 seemed SO much older! Lol
I am going to have to disagree with you on finding a partner who takes an interest in your career. I don’t think you have to find someone in the same line of work to find someone who cares. You just have to find a compassionate person who cares about you who has a genuine interest. Sparky and I are not anywhere near in the same field jobwise but we talk about our days at work all the time. He asks about mine and listens and engages and I ask about his and listen and engage. Sometimes I ask him first, sometimes he asks me first but we always ask. It has nothing to do with being in the same field. I get that your job is a lot more involved than either of ours but same principle.
After following along with your last round of encounters with CL, I still don’t think that is the right way to go for you, but that’s just my opinion.
You don’t need to have a partner in the same industry. You do need a partner who is interested and can appreciate the puzzle solving part of what you do. Unfortunately many women are math phobic and that might carry over to their brains shutting down when you get into the more technical parts (and when you discuss budgeting!). So maybe some basic math literacy should be on your wishlist for a new partner?
Just keep dating yourself (not age wise, but romantically) .... you will learn more than you ever thought you could about yourself. Hey, it's 11:11... I must have just channeled that from the Angelic realm, lol
xo have a great rest of your weekend.
I am going to have to disagree with you on finding a partner who takes an interest in your career. I don’t think you have to find someone in the same line of work to find someone who cares. You just have to find a compassionate person who cares about you who has a genuine interest.
You don’t need to have a partner in the same industry. You do need a partner who is interested and can appreciate the puzzle solving part of what you do. Unfortunately many women are math phobic and that might carry over to their brains shutting down when you get into the more technical parts (and when you discuss budgeting!). So maybe some basic math literacy should be on your wishlist for a new partner?
Certainly something to keep in mind. Kindness and compassion are key. They don't have to actually understand for example the regulations around various concentrations of product - and really even though I make it sound super-complicated as far as knowing how my day went - it's not. I deal with customers, suppliers, carriers and plant staff which when it comes down to it is all about relationships. I shuffle priorities and cope when things go sideways like they do pretty much each and every day. I spend a lot of time doing math. I'm still one of those people who prefers to use a paper-tape calculator.
I suppose in part it's that I've never "had" anyone who has ever shown a genuine interest in what I do. Not even my ex-wife. I'd sit and listen to her rant and rage every evening. Certainly when we were first together she showed interest but that didn't last. I know that I get very disconcerted when I'm talking to a woman and they seem to become this black hole of being "very" interested in what I do for a living. Historically I'd just start babbling, now I tend to shut down and change the subject.
I remember when my son moved back home, him coming down when I got home to ask how my day was - I was baffled - "I didn't know there'd be a test!"
After following along with your last round of encounters with CL, I still don’t think that is the right way to go for you, but that’s just my opinion.
At the moment I would tend to agree. But she is also a friend so having lunch will be nice. She was also in the middle of a high conflict divorce. I'll certainly go with no expectations and an open mind. I'm in a very very different place than I was the first time around. Then I was eager to get back into a relationship and having an attractive woman seem so interested was seemingly exactly what I was looking for.
When I picked up my weekly baked treat the owner of the shop and I shared a laugh because I was happy that I'd finally found a new paper-towel holder after 5 years of hunting. The laugh was that on some things it takes me forever to make a decision and on others I tend to do it really really fast
Just keep dating yourself (not age wise, but romantically) .... you will learn more than you ever thought you could about yourself. Hey, it's 11:11... I must have just channeled that from the Angelic realm, lol
xo have a great rest of your weekend.
Learning. Not as fast as I might like. But learning. The key thing that I've learned is that imagining a life where I continue to be by myself is also a good place to be. Not that I'm going to turn into a woman-hating hermit by any stretch - just that I'm learning what my own value is to me. Or so I hope.
Pot of stew is on to bubble and the bread is just about done rising (love those frozen loaves - so easy). Working through my taxes and I'm hoping to do my first attempt at planning the rail-car switch. I'm sure to get it wrong but when my mistakes are explained to me I get better. The trick is to not get cocky - something that undoubtedly applies everywhere.
Happy Wednesday / Payday! Three pay month this month. Last month I got paid 3 times too with my bonus cheque and it being a shorter month my finances are certainly helped recover a bit from the destruction from S being involved.
I don't think she deliberately set out to cause problems, just that she had no concept of not spending every dime that was in the account. Which is perhaps surprising as she would go on about how XH#2 made and makes lots of money although she was in situations where she got her utilities cut off because she couldn't pay the bills. I still laugh thinking about how she had his income up as something to aspire to when I actually make nearly as much. Like they say - it's not the length of the wand but how you use it - although that may apply in other circumstances
We had a bit of a blustery time here on Monday - amazing how fast those line squalls can blow in and change everything. My time-lapse videos which now include several publicly accessible cameras around the county as well as my own show everything fine and then right around supper time - "whomp". The images are taken 10 minutes apart so you can see the snow suddenly arrive and a mix between sunny skies and white-outs. Numerous accidents and injuries around here. So March has certainly come in like a somewhat grumpy and incontinent lion. The forecast looks like the snow will be mostly gone in a couple of weeks. Maple Syrup production should be in full flow right now - I'm going to pick up some and some treats for myself and the kids. Shame we won't have our usual festivals which are a big thing around here and the Amish who are usually parked on the side of the roads about now selling perhaps won't be. We are locally in a "green/prevent" zone which means more or less back to "normal" at least the normal we had last fall. Around us though are more locked down zones including the one where I work and a few friends including "C" live.
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Wednesdays are generally a bit easier than other days depending on what's going on. I usually schedule inbound loads of raw materials in for Wednesdays as we don't (generally) have outbound loads so the plant is kept busy doing something predictable that I've known about for a few weeks. Surprises always happen but as I'm getting more practiced the surprises are less surprising.
Even though some would consider me a "morning person", I start around 7 - have 1/2 hour to review then get the daily reports at 7:30 - 20 minutes to adjust and finalize the plan and send it off. I still find it pretty stressful. Made 2 mistakes this morning. One asking the plant for some raw materials and another in production volumes. I had to back-track when I saw the actual daily reports which had a special order in them that I've been sort of expecting.
We have a principle - Plan-Do-Check-Act - that is written in big letters on my white-board. It means:
- Make a plan
- Does the plan accomplish the goals
- Check for any errors or unexpected consequences
- Act on the plan
Sometimes I jump to the end too fast. Which is no surprise to anyone playing the home game here
I like to believe that I'm getting the hang of the rail planning. It's making more sense day to day especially since my boss is responsive to questions. There are still a "lot" of moving parts but they move fairly slowly, except when they don't. Like 3 of the cars in our siding requiring service unexpectedly yesterday. The planning window is different than what I've been working with. Right now I do day by day but rail moves slower and I have to look out roughly 2 weeks. For the current day and even the next few days things are more or less known quantities if I make sure to look out. The unexpected will always happen though. And some people imagine that these roles can be automated ... I don't think I have any worries about being replaced with an artificial intelligence for some time.
I think my boss is getting some confidence in me - not that he's ever shown a lack of confidence. He suddenly passed over some communication on rail movements to me - creating the expectation with the customer going forward that I actually have the answers. Like an actor sitting in the wings waiting for their cue and suddenly the light shines on them while they are in the middle of eating a danish and they have to be "on". There are 4 cars in play right now for that product line so some frantic triple checking of what I had just glanced at earlier in the day and then 3 edits on the message to the customer. I'm learning - unlike my natural tendencies and what I do here - "less is best". Answer the darned question that is in front of you and leave the rest of the commentary out of it. Plan-Do-Check-Act
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I've been trying with limited success to better balance my food intake with what I need. Since October - when things went kersplat with S - I've put on nearly 20 lbs. Less stress, eating better quality foods is part of it I'm sure. I've lost a bit of it but it's a struggle. I know what I need to do, but enforcing that discipline especially with portion sizes is hard. Particularly difficult when I make something like a stew that while I get 4 servings out of it, could perhaps have been 6.
I currently have a pot on the bubble since yesterday making beef bone broth. I remember being surprised at how S had suggested that I make broth from the turkey she cooked up from Thanksgiving. I believe she has only made vegetable broth / stock before. For me, I let things bubble for quite a long time making sure to render out all that I can and to allow it to thicken fairly well - sloooowly. She expected it to only take an hour. On the other hand - again a surprise - she said that she had never for example cooked a roast. Which having raised 5 kids over the course of nearly 30 years is rather a surprise.
I'll strain off the broth at lunch time today saving some of the meat for future stews. The soup bones have quite a bit of decent if tough meat on them. I did read the other day though that the fat that I'll get off of this along with the duck fat I've been saving actually can be used in biscuits etc instead of shortening. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I checked with my daughter and she'd never thought of this either. So I may do up a batch of biscuits with either duck fat or beef. Should be a lot different from the usual hockey-pucks I've been making. Just apply them directly to my belly I suppose is the only draw-back.
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I was chatting with a neighbour the other day who it turns out knows S's boyfriend from before she and I started going out. The conversation was about houses and such. He was telling the story about how he has this wonderful house that he'd inherited that he was now selling and was looking for a place to live after he sells it. Now - I happen to know that he's been living in rented rooms over the local stripper bar for some years and that when he was showing his house off to S - who really wants to live in a big house in the country on a large property - it was literally falling down then which would have been about 2 years ago. He'll get a nice pay-day though from selling that property - I think we are in the frothiest part of the housing bubble right now.
The stories we tell each other and ourselves .... Where indeed does the truth lie.
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My sleep is I think slowly getting better. When there were other people here I had a very disturbed sleep with people wandering around the house literally at all hours. For the first while when it was just me I would wake up briefly almost every hour on the hour. Now I only wake about 3 times through the night.
Before I used to sleep quite still on my back and sleep through the entire night. I hope to get back there again. I go to bed quite early and usually wake up fairly rested which is good because I need to be "on" even before I get out of bed if there's been planned activity on the rail line. That information comes in between 2:00 am and 6:00 and as time goes on, it will set the tone for the entire rest of my day.
I continue to dream very vividly and my ex-wife plays a regular role. Last night's was about her coming back and me allowing it to happen although I had (in the dream) a girlfriend in the wings who was put on hold. It didn't last and in my dream I pulled the plug quickly when she refused to be transparent about finances or her activities. Didn't feel any real regret either. Not that I have any expectation of her knocking on my door - ever. And the idea of jumping into a relationship when I already am in one just isn't something I can see myself doing.
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For my upcoming birthday I bought myself a wooden clock. "Some assembly required" is an understatement. I'm more of a handy-man than a craftsman and there's a lot of little fiddly parts that need to be glued and assembled. It's pretty intimidating. My original thought was I'd put it together one evening and it would be a "2 beer" task. Nope nope nope. It's a no-beer task at least for the little pieces. I figure it's going to take several evenings to put this together and I need to find something to use for the counter-weight before I can get it running. I have made a start on it though and have some of the smaller pieces assembled. My eyesight is certainly not what it was. I am taking my time though and enjoying the process and not rushing. Plan-Do-Check-Act.
clock
Well - that's about all for now. Nothing happening on any sort of relationship front, nothing expected. 20S tried to get me to adopt some semi-feral cats a friend of her's has but I passed on that. Not ready.
Hmmm...less stress and better quality food should be leading to weight loss, not gain. However, pandemic comfort food and less exercise because of the pandemic has caused a lot of weight gain.
It's not a bad time to do a short- term healthy eating plan to reset things like insulin receptors, carb cravings etc. - Whole Thirty is one that people seem to like, although I haven't personally done it. Short of that, just focusing on increasing intake of fruits and vegetables - making them the larger part of your plate - can do a lot. And getting more exercise in. Because of CMM being so nervous about me walking in the dark, I actually got my 90 miles of walking for February in just by pacing in the house while watching television. I'd walk between the living room and family room, or between the bedroom, through my bathroom to my walk-in closet and back. Not optimal but I got the miles in!
I have a question for you about your job - what happens if you AND your boss kick the bucket at the same time? Is there someone else you can start to share some of this institutional knowledge with, or at least a file you can keep instructions in that could be helpful to somebody trying to pick up the pieces?
Hmmm...less stress and better quality food should be leading to weight loss, not gain. However, pandemic comfort food and less exercise because of the pandemic has caused a lot of weight gain.
When S was here I also gained weight albeit not as much but in part because the food that was around wasn't food I wanted to eat. S would spent an entire week's grocery budget on snack and convenience foods.
I hit my lowest weight at 220lbs about 5 or 6 months post-bomb-day. I'm currently 260. "Big boned" - most people can't imagine that I actually weigh what I do. I do in fact have an exceptionally high bone density. But I'm also firmly on the "not good" side of the BMI no matter how you measure it. I once had a doctor tell me that I should weight 140 - and that was when I was in my early 30s and about 235lbs and still pretty fit.
I've gained weight - usually in "jump conditions" since bomb-day. I was about 235 lbs 2 years ago. Went to 240 when dating B. Was at 245 until last October. Christmas carbs and the fact that I could make whatever I wanted without having to worry about other picky eaters has been a big part of my problem. S pretty much never cooked - she and her kids lived mainly on take-out and pre-packaged food. I was reluctant to cook because of the expectation that after a long day of working that I would also be feeding S and her kids. Yes - I know - that's the state of the world for pretty much every working wife.
I know exactly what I could be doing in a "normal" world where I would make a specific breakfast and lunch 4 days a week that was at about 1800 calories. Since I would get home so late I wouldn't make dinner and made sure that I had a balance of fruit, veg, protein and carbs.
It's taken me a lot longer to adjust what I eat to match my "normal". Instead of my "weekend breakfast" of an omelette with sausages through the week I have porridge and a couple of poached eggs for breakfast again. Even though I have nothing against the medical profession, I'm now having my "apple a day" - I couldn't have apples around the house when S was here because her S13 has a phobia of fruit and would freak out (yes). It's been easy with the stove and pantry right there close to hand to make myself a bit more elaborate meals than I would have otherwise.
What I need to do more is to get myself back down to the 1800 calories through much of the week and also be more diligent about getting out for my walks. My 5km walk around the village burns about 400 calories, gives me an hour of moderate cardio and undoubtedly does my mental health no end of good.
I do know that - ahem - dancing the horizontal mambo - done with enthusiasm burns a lot of calories and the heavy breathing gets rid of the burned fats as organic ketones like acetone - but that's not on the agenda. I think that any potential partner would be put off if that were why I dated them
So - I just need to do it. I know that one thing that motivates me is the expectations of others. S (and B) probably thought that I focused too much
I have a question for you about your job - what happens if you AND your boss kick the bucket at the same time? Is there someone else you can start to share some of this institutional knowledge with, or at least a file you can keep instructions in that could be helpful to somebody trying to pick up the pieces?
That's actually why I've been brought in. My boss is "everyone's" backup. Between us we can manage our individual pieces or make do. The plant can operate the plant and ship product but doesn't have the knowledge to plan out what needs to be made. Our order desk can take orders and schedule them and also manage some of the raw material and logistics flows. I'm certainly not an irreplaceable cog in the machinery. The guy on top though has a depth of knowledge and capability that goes throughout the whole organization. And a 6 months older than me, I think is beginning to actively think about retirement. It's been hinted that I'll replace him as I've made it clear that I'm working for at least another 10 and probably 15 years.
One of the great advantages - and risks we have - is that we have a lot of long term employees who have a significant depth of experience. And a vested interest in keeping procedures as they are - which is a recognized issue.
We do have a younger engineer who would like to document and turn everything into a well formed procedure. A worthy goal that he keeps plugging away at. Even though I'm the "new kid", I'm also experienced enough to know that in those procedures that a critical step is "I made a decision based on how my gut feels" is often a part of it. Which is one of the reasons I have 6 tonnes of a particular specialty product being delivered tomorrow even though I didn't have a firm order at the time. I "know" that it's spring-time and that this stuff gets used more and that the small order I had confirmed on my books was probably the tip of a larger demand. In order to get the tanker in, I have to make it worth while - so I trusted my gut - and fortunately in this case - was proven right. Been wrong too - but that where working with other experienced people who I respect gives me that sanity check.
I think that the worst possible fate for any employee is to become indispensable.
Dear Andrew,
Weight loss is personal. That said, #s like "1400" or "1800" calories sound what I used to pick for myself and struggled to stick to long-term. My trainers consistently have me eat 2000+ calories and I lose 1.5-2.0#/week. I entered your weight into IIFYM with both optimistic (40, 6'4", active, 3x cardio and strength per week) and pessimistic (65, 5'0", sedentary, 0x cardio and strength per week) stats and it gave 2300-2800 kcal for sustainable weight loss. I mean to say, I'd consider if you need spartan numbers or (like me) could eat beer and pretzels on your way down!
(To be clear--I'm drinking an IPA and eating 90-kcal bags of pretzels.. it would be more difficult to hit my macro goals if I drank a few imperial stouts and had a normal-sized bag of pretzels in front of me.)
I also LOVE that on endurance days I can just eat, and eat, and eat.
Crap! What a week!
Happy Saturday all - assuming that it is actually Saturday. Woke up today for the first time in quite a while feeling lonely. There's just so much going on that it's rather overwhelming. I know that I'll get a handle on it in time but right now it's like a big pile of poo in front of me and all I have is a toy shovel.
It would be so nice to just hug it out with someone, rest my head on their shoulder and breathe.
We're currently down 3 people at work. One admin person retired, one took a few well deserved days off - leaving us with one. The plant manager's son passed on last weekend so he's been off all week too. I believe we're short a couple of operators in the plant as well. So - my boss and I have been trying to pick up the load. Him more than me I'm sure.
One job that ended up on my shoulders was doing the loading paperwork for the plant. This is usually done by either the plant manager or one of the senior operators. Now - keep in mind that in my former role that I built a lot of the processes and systems being used. Lordy lordy lordy, what a PITA.
The day before, and if a rush order comes through, I have to go through each order. Read the shipping documents, pull the lab results, update the certificate of analysis, update the loading instructions and print the appropriate number of copies of the right documents in the plant. I'm so grateful that I work with such great people who are keeping a closer eye on things to catch my inevitable mistakes. I was joking with them that first - I owe them a big box of doughnuts and secondly to think of that episode in the Simpsons where Homer explains "It's my first day".
I was working on that until about 9:00pm last night. I made a mistake and reached out to the control room to let them know. Got some great feedback on the process on their end which have sparked some ideas for improvements.
I decided to actually have a simple dinner (breakfast for dinner) because I only had a brownie for lunch so it was after midnight by the time I got to bed. I intended to sleep in this morning until about 9:00 but was up with my head buzzing around with all the things needing to be done at 7:00. So some sleep at least but not nearly enough.
A piece of imagery that I've used before is to imagine a majestic swan cruising calmly along a still pond. What you don't see is that under the water that those little flipper feet are beating like mad.
What can you do though. When things hit the fan there are two types of people. Those who duck and those who stand firm in the wind. It will pass. I'll eventually get comfortable with these new responsibilities and figure out ways to be effective at them. In the mean time I work with some great people. I was standing in line at lunch to get my picture taken for my driver's license renewal and the plant called. One of the operators - who knew that scheduling was tight for the next few days had an idea on how to shuffle some loads around based on what one of our trucking companies had told him. It made sense, makes life simpler for a few people including me and once I got back to my desk I just sorted out the paperwork. I think they like working with me because I'm always open to ideas, freely admit when I'm wrong or don't know and while I take the responsibility when things go wrong make sure to tell the guys when they do right.
Add on top of this as well that the guy who is supposed to have taken over my old role in another section of the company where we were both doing it (one of us is essentially redundant) just refuses to try to understand parts of it and actually got incredibly angry with me when I just gave him some pointers and wished him luck. He precedes me in this company and was actually my manager for quite a while. But there are so many facets of the role that even though nothing has really changed in like 5 years, that he just refuses to deal with. So I have to pick up some of that this weekend as well. He's hit a roadblock and just passed the ball. A significant project is jeopardized if this isn't dealt with. Probably a couple of hours of work on my part but he just has a mental block that he can't do it even though I'm confident he could have the skills if he applied himself.
I've always liked to believe that if were to stop cranking that the world would continue to spin. But it wobbles a lot it seems. I have to pick what's important and deal with that, let some of the other slide.
It's the first weekend of the month when I traditionally clean the house from top to bottom. I may let some of that slide. For work I still need to track what railcars are inbound and figure out where I'll slot them. Boy did I mis-understand this task earlier on. I had thought the issue was managing the cars on the siding but no - once they get there they just get filled and shipped. It's figuring out what's coming up that is the hard part. I have a surplus of cars for a customer in the mining industry that need special handling, one car coming in that has to be put right up front so all the other cars have to be pulled out, and ideally shipped to customers instead of coming back in.... Phew!
I have a camera pointed out of the window of my office and checked last night's time-lapse video on my website. Yep - there's the reflection in the window of me toiling away at my desk.
I need a hug. And one of my best friends would also prescribe a bosom. One would be welcome but they come with all sorts of other attachments that I don't want to deal with at present. And rent-a-bosom is certainly not an option - at all - nor what I actually need it for.
Well - looks like everything is more or less running on the green at the plant. One of the tanks is a bit low so I'll need to get it filled up on Monday. 2 of the three railcars that are supposed to ship on Monday are filled. One is mostly empty as we pull product out of it. I have the paperwork for some raw materials we need to keep running this weekend so that must have been delivered.
Phew!
Time to shower and go get groceries. No looking at bosoms though - although the lady at the flower shop has a very nice one ...
A bient tot mes amis.
Hi Andrew,
For what it’s worth, I truly enjoy reading your updates and all the details about running a rail, if that helps you feel less alone. I don’t feel lonely this weekend, but of course can relate to the desire to have some of the perks of a female partner—cuddling, romance, and sex—without introducing the complexities of dating and relationships or stalling my growth. We know there’s interest. We know those will be there when we’re ready. Honestly, your job sounds fascinating. I love roles that nudge me to grow. It also sounds like you have at least some good team mates. Rock on!
(((((Hug)))) at least you’ve got all of us to bounce things off of.
I love breakfast for dinner. Not sure CMM could handle something so out of the routine though lol. Right now he’s having a tough time keeping meals down altogether, after a week and a half of radiation on top of simultaneous chemo.
Hi AndrewP, I hope you rested and did not clean anything in your house! Sounds like you had a busy week! Although, I do understand the need to keep certain things tidy.... may you get that ((hug)) that you need.
Thanks for the support and hugs. It is indeed greatly appreciated.
Woke up again this morning feeling lonely and realized that I probably hit a big drop into good-ole depression.
I couldn't muster the interest or energy to make dinner yesterday but I did have a nice soak in the tub. Some things got cleaned but certainly nowhere near the usual amount. I spent a bunch of time in the office and didn't make much of a dent in things. I did manage to get laundry done and the kitchen counter was clean at least.
Today though - even though I really didn't feel like it, I went out and had brunch with my son. It was a beautiful day here to go for a drive in the sunshine while I listened to a favourite podcast about history. Got a brief visit with his cats in too. We ended up visiting and talking over brunch for nearly 2 hours. It turns out that he too had struggled to get the energy up but since he knew I was coming had no good excuse either for declining. We talked about lots and lots of stuff - mostly the challenges we each are having at work and about this, that and the other thing too. Had a few laughs and enjoyed each other's company and the food.
I feel a lot better now having had human contact with someone I love. But I do think that this is something I'm going to have to watch for the next while. Things at work are just plain overwhelming at present and things around the house are certainly suffering. I did make myself a lighter and decent dinner for tonight instead of the more ambitious one that I just don't have the energy for. Had a glass of wine, classical music as usual and did make it a "sunday supper".
I didn't get much of anything done around the house today but I did get more or less on top of the work stuff that had piled up. My draft plan for rail car movements has been done and critiqued by my boss who has an even poorer work/life boundary than I do. I got some badly needed reports out that someone has been chasing me for for a month and am just about to go over the tank levels and do the first draft of tomorrow's production plan. I find that doing that the night before is essential. Gives me time to think on it before I put it out. As well as do a fair amount of math.
I know that my upcoming birthday is really weighing on me. This will be the first time in my adult life that I've celebrated it alone(ish). I'm going to ask my daughter to call. One other time my then-wife and I were in the Caribbean on my birthday - I think she got me a card. My son will probably stop by the day or so after. I've promised to keep some of the cake that I got for him.
Tuesday will be the anniversary of my bomb-day. Just before I turned 52 - a heck of a birthday present. I'll be turning 57 this week. My life is nothing at all like I would have imagined back then. We were in Mexico - I thought we were happy although I knew that my wife was depressed. I just didn't know that it was because she was leading a double life. That took another month to find out.
I feel tired. And more than a bit lost and confused. A favourite comic artist posted a strip recently that begins with the Robert Frost poem "Road not taken". It takes a bit of a side-turn and reminds me that just because there are paths through the dark woods, nothing actually requires you to take them.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveler, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth
Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim,
because it was grassy and wanted wear,
though as for that the passing there
had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
And also the second: went neither way,
just plopped down sunward upon my back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, And I -
I skipped 'em both, I cannot lie:
and that has made all the difference
It was good to re-affirm that even though at the present I feel lonely there is no specific reason to go chasing after someone to pull into my life. And that taking a break while chaos swirls around you is a good thing.
Andrew, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. I'm wondering if maybe it might be time to get a sweet little kitten again. I've seen you mention it from time to time. I know that my big fat cat, who for sad reasons is about to come back to me, got me through many a dark day. It might be a good time. Or what about some fish? I really enjoyed having fish briefly but they kept jumping out of the tank and committing suicide and I took it rather personally and gave the rest to someone I know who handles fish. I've always done better with cats. I prefer a Siamese mix. I've never gone wrong with them. My big fat cat is a part Siamese. He acts like a dog. He greets everyone who comes over, he loves to cuddle, he actually hugs you and puts pressure in his paws like he's squeezing, and never takes out his claws. He has a tiny little voice, so he is not obnoxious like some of them can be.
My mom has a Skookum, which is the funniest looking cat you have ever seen in your life. He has stubbly legs (super, duper short) and a wiry, curly coat. He is deadly quiet, jet black with yellow eyes, and he loves to make mischief (gets in a box, sits in the sink, obsessed with toys of all types etc), but he is the most affectionate cat. He is always with her.
Anyway, something to think about. My S leaves soon (or rather I do actually) and I think I'll probably know lonely. Right now I crave the quiet, alone time, particularly with Covid schooling. I love to do old NYT crossword puzzles. I have done back to the early 90s at this point and can now do any of the days of the week relatively quickly. I started with the Mondays, then moved on to the Tuesdays, etc., since they get progressively harder. I also like to do puzzles. I took up the puzzles again, always did them off and on with my mom over the years, when I got sick and needed to find a way to calm way down and not let myself be overcome with the racing thoughts.
Sounds like your reasons for being down are external (work stress, loneliness, bombaversary)- BUT - it is also the end of winter and a time when people's vitamin D levels are at their seasonal nadir. Vitamin D deficiency if associated with seasonal depression. So if you're not already, consider taking some vitamin D. You might also look into a light box, which can also be effective for depression.
Can you plan a weekend birthday ZOOM party for yourself with friends and family?
And I agree - might be time for a kitty.
Andrew,
I remember when Tadpole lost his mice and he was a bit down. He then went to check out some kitties and he got two beautiful little babies that were siblings. They are there waiting for him to come home and I have to say, they have provided him with lots of entertainment and I think he truly looks forward to going on once his work day is over. If you opt to adopt a kitten, you may want to consider adopting two around the same age so that they can keep each other company and play companions when you aren't home.
I know you miss Liz and Amy and that tells me you need to have some fur babies in your life.
I also agree w/kml on the vitamin D. You may want to get D3 and take it. I know it helped me quite a bit. I think kml's suggestion about a ZOOM party sound wonderful.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
OwnIt - years and years ago I used to have fish and yes, some of them seemed to have existential crises regularly. A glass top on the tank took care of a lot of that. Perhaps they didn't realize that outside the tank that there's no water. I'm sure there's a metaphor there. I don't think fish are in my future though. They are better suited to an environment where I would spend time in the same room with them and I tend to bounce around a lot.
kml/job - I have a Zoom happy hour on Fridays which is generally a lot of fun. There's usually a lot of joking around and poking fun - we're all old colleagues and friends and there's a lot of insider chemical industry joking. I expect you didn't know that chemical industry people were a bunch of fun
I actually had a long personal call from one of the people on there yesterday where he was worried that he had offended me - and to also dig a bit for info on what we're up to in the company I work for. He's a nice guy although very "salesman" and was a big help to me in navigating my divorce.
I doubt I'll have anything for my birthday Thursday beyond getting in touch with my daughter. I expect my son to come by either on Friday or the weekend. I'm choosing to not go into the plant that day as well because we will have a bunch of visitors on site and I want to limit my exposure. Cooties ...
I'll look in to some vitamin D supplements. I'd prefer to get it from sunshine if I can but think that perhaps a bit of help to nature is appropriate especially considering how little time I've been able to make to be outside.
I don't think I'll be getting a cat soon. One of my quirks is that given a choice of options is that "do nothing" is always a valid choice I can make. A lot of my "decorating" is how it is because I have just left things because I have no clue on what I would want to change it into. So my kitchen has hearts and flowers wallpaper. C referred to it as very "Laura Ashley" and (correctly I think) identified my ex-wife as someone who was very romantic at her core. I'm not attached to hardly any of the decorating, but on the other hand given the fact that I don't have a valid alternative means that I'm not going to make a change just for the sake of making a change.
Getting a pet is a multi-year commitment and I can't help but also recall that in both relationships that I've attempted that me having a pet already caused issues. B absolutely hated that I had cats and S was ok with the additional chaos and critters but it was unsustainable. So if I was to get a cat it then means that my options and choices are limited in the future. And since I have absolutely no clue of what that future will involve I don't want to put constraints on it without "knowing" that that is what I want. I do sometimes make those choices after painful and tedious over-thinking and sometimes on a whim.
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I've been noticing lately that some chronic pain that I had when I was involved with S - specifically in my achilles tendon is a lot better. That's the thing with stuff like that - you don't really notice when it goes away - or at least I don't.
My shoulder and knee are also feeling better but it's a surprisingly slow recovery. On the other hand since when I fell I bounced on my butt and my shoulder and knee weren't obviously directly involved it's surprising that they were injured at all.
I'm slowly getting a better handle I think on some of the new responsibilities. Part of the issue it that it's a very grey area around what I'm supposed to be doing and where my responsibility starts and ends. The general thing is that if I start doing something that generally people just let me get on with it. I'm trying hard to not take on too much but was still at my desk until about 8:00 pm yesterday. I did head into the plant (hour drive each way) in the late afternoon to have a walk-a-bout and go over some paperwork so without that it may have been a shorter day. Still stressful though. I was up this morning at 3:00 am to check rail-car placement. All seemed to be fine. I just finished today's draft movement plan. I think I have it right but it will be reviewed before acted on.
I'm looking forward to sleeping better again soon. Leaving my desk earlier will certainly help that.
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So - today is 5 year anniversary of bomb-day. To recap, my wife and I went away for our annual tropical vacation to a mid-level resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico. A new place for us. She had seemed withdrawn and depressed for some time - probably the stress of leading a double life. One evening, 2 days before we were to come back home, she got seriously drunk (extremely rare for her) and told me that she was leaving me and that there was nothing I could do about it. The night before she had also gotten wasted and tried to tell me that she was no good for me and that I should find someone else - which I just brushed off. Since she was very drunk I made sure I got her safely back to our room and stayed up watching the stars and thinking about WTF just happened.
The next morning she remembered nothing, noticed that I seemed withdrawn and teased me about it. I waited until we were back on hour home and native soil before asking her if what she had said was true. On the morning of my 52nd birthday. It was indeed true. It was a few weeks before my frantic digging uncovered the existence of OM. And the rest as they say - is history.
Writing that hurt a bit. I don't often revisit those couple of days.
Yesterday was also International Women's Day and one of my sisters posted a picture of "The P Family Women" which was taken at my youngest brother's wedding. And included my now ex. One of my nephews jokingly made a correction that there was a surplus "P" in the picture.
I went back and looked at that picture several times. I remember the day well. I thought she was so very beautiful (this would have been the year before bomb-day) and was very proud of being her husband. She also thought she looked great and had actually had a neighbour snap a picture of us together in front of the apple tree in my yard that day.
Now - the emotions are somewhat cauterized I suppose. The scars are there, but the tug I would have felt even a few years ago isn't there. There's sadness. Quite a bit of sadness. She wasn't a perfect wife any more than I was a perfect husband. But we were a great couple that all around us believed - including ourselves I thought - were happy. I recall on numerous occasions as well when we were out and I'd be holding a door for her, or helping her coat on/off, or holding her purse while she shopped that people would stop and remark that I was "a keeper".
I could ask the question of "WTF happened" or where did it all go? But I know the answers to that as much as I ever will. She was and presumably is, self-centred, entitled and dealing with the fact that our kids were grown and she was no longer just "Mom". Life with me was predictable, reliable and modest. Certainly more modest than her siblings that she often compared herself to who were full of bluster and other items that would be censored here. OM found an (eventually) willing accomplice. I expect it took a fairly short amount of time time - my timeline puts it at about 3 months - before she crossed that line that cannot be walked back. And I, our kids, and she are all living with the consequences of that.
Next post will be more upbeat.
(((Andrew)))
Sorry you're down and having a rough time, especially near your birthday. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better for you.
As far as pets, I understand where you are coming from on that, but I caution you not to get into the mindset that they cause issues. Listen, you know I'm a dog lover. You see all my posts on FB about my sweet dog and Sparky's big dog. I, honestly, hate cats. Always have. But Sparky is a cat person. He had a cat when we first started dating and she died before we got married (she was very old). He wants a new cat now and while I hate cats, I'm willing to go along with having one because they bring him joy. My point in telling that story is that you, my friend, are TOTALLY a cat person and they bring you joy. If you date someone who has an issue with that, they are not for you! That should be yet another thing that you add to the list for FUTURE (way in the future down the road, not anytime soon) qualities that you will look for in a romantic partner. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole basket. Seriously...think about that. Yes, getting a pet is a huge commitment, so if you truly aren't ready, then don't, but I think you might benefit from having a little furry one running around to call your own. You seem to have a need to take care of things and that is not bad at all.
Hang in there! It WILL get better. You can message me anytime you need to chat...you know how to find me. We can have a FB messenger virtual happy hour. LOL
I agree with Dawn. I think that you would not get a pet that you have always loved because you fear it would limit your choices shows you are still not confident enough to demand a future with someone who respects that you have a right to certain things too. I hope you will revisit that. If I were with a man who couldn't deal with my cat . . . forget, I've sworn off men forever because of what I've gone through. It's just me and the cat from here.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that on your birthday and I'm sure it brings pain every year. I actually don't choose to revisit my BD. Maybe if I ever get out of the situation I'll be able to look back. Right now just focusing on the 15 minutes in front of me is my task. And even then, only the parts of that 15 minutes I control.
I hope you finish reclaiming the house soon, let yourself get a sweet little kitty, and keep building on the successes at work. It's all going to work out in the end.
I sorta agree with the idea that if you love cats, you should get a cat, and any woman who doesn't like cats isn't for you.
That being said - I can see your point - kinda- I mean, what if you meet the perfect woman but she's deathly allergic to cats (like a friend of mine who can only visit me in my yard). Or, you meet the perfect cat-loving woman but she already has three cats and integrating another one could be a problem? (My sister's daughter moved home with a cat who is NOT getting along with my sister's cats, and it's been an ongoing drama trying to integrate them. )
So go ahead, take your time, it IS a big commitment. (I like cats AND dogs, but weirdly, of all the men I've dated since my divorce, only one had a pet, and that was a cat named (ironically) "Sweetie" who would bite you if you pet her. Maybe I should have been looking for a dog lover?) Maybe you can just "borrow" the cats from your son for a weekend?
I'll look in to some vitamin D supplements. I'd prefer to get it from sunshine if I can but think that perhaps a bit of help to nature is appropriate especially considering how little time I've been able to make to be outside
You can't make vitamin D at your latitude in the winter time because the sun's rays are too weak. Anywhere from San Francisco north, really.
Also - re: Bombaversaries - yeah, it's hard not to get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you remember that moment. And it's rotten that you're reminded of it around your birthday. Maybe we need some rebranding - let's call it Liberation Day instead of Bombaversary!
Andrew, why deny yourself love from a furry creature for some unknown person?
The right person will show up. Don't turn your back on having a furry friend in your life - do you see that you are already pretzeling yourself and you haven't even met the person yet? This is concerning to me.
BD anniversaries are always difficult, in my experience. Got one of my own coming right up. I get it. Hang in there. Get a kitty. You deserve one. Or two.
Andrew,
The right person will show up. Don't turn your back on having a furry friend in your life - do you see that you are already pretzeling yourself and you haven't even met the person yet? This is concerning to me.
Your reasoning sounds a lot like my reasoning. I think Butterfly is probably right. I will be repeating that one. "Am I pretzeling myself (co-dependent) even before meet a new partner?!" Getting a pet is a big commitment so obviously don't hastily grab one unless you're sure you'd enjoy caring for a furball for years. Personally, I foster kitties, because I enjoy them but committing to years and years of care is too much for me just now.
Happy Birthday! I hope that you can enjoy your special day!
Thank job.
The cake my friend at the bakery made has thawed. I have a T-bone steak out and also a bit of the beef broth I made the other day to make some mushroom gravy for it with. The loaf of fresh bread should be done rising and going into the oven in about an hour and half.
I chose to work from home today instead of going into the plant as first off, it's my birthday and those are long days and secondly, there is probably a good number of people there and minimizing contact is still a good thing and will be for a while.
It's too bad that I'm going to be enjoying all that good tucker on my own although 20S said she may stop down in the next few days for a piece of cake and I'm expecting my son to stop by probably on the weekend.
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Not too much happening here. Work continues to stress me out although I'm slowly getting a handle on things. I was up early this morning fretting about the production plan. It was very ambitious and the staff on the floor made sure to let me know that. I was constrained by supplier delivery schedules and didn't want to cancel those. When I sent it out I put some notes in emphasizing that if things didn't get done that was fine and asking another department if they could lend a hand if needed. I got a call from the floor just a short while ago letting me know that the plan "just clicked" - lots of things that might have gone wrong didn't. That doesn't always happen.
The plant manager is back on site and things are moving slightly smoother with some of my other responsibilities as he's able to guide my expectations and give me feedback now.
The morning has just been nutso crazy though going solid from just before 7:00 to just before noon flat out. Sort of the way the days are structured means that afternoons are "tidy up" and prepare for the next day. I put out the draft rail-car plan a short while ago and there were no "mistakes" although it was pointed out that one of the things I was asking for A - wouldn't happen and B - would bite me in the tuchas later. No getting cocky though.
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I took myself out for dinner last night for wings and beer to a pub the next village over that I used to go to every Wednesday. It's a big place with very high ceilings and there were only a couple of tables in use so I felt reasonably safe. I sat with a book that I've not re-read in a while. In it the main character talks about a "silver thread" that points out the path to the future and due to a catastrophe he loses it and struggles to persevere and find meaning. Certainly resonated. The book-club podcast I listen to just did a review of it and reminded me of how much I enjoyed it.
I don't read nearly as much as I should so it was nice to have some time for that.
I also got my second shingles shot yesterday. No clue when I'll get my COVID shot but it's probably a while away - lots enough time for my body to absorb this one. No noticeable reaction although I think my temperature is up a bit although my thermometer says no. I'm glad I've gotten that out of the way. Expensive given that it's not covered by my health plan but I'm sure worth it.
Friday's zoom happy-hour should be interesting. I'm hearing from friends that a major player in my industry is currently shedding staff both through layoffs and people just walking out the door. A friend of mine asked for my boss's cell phone number. She's an amazingly capable person in sales and customer management who has been on the bench for about a year now. If we got her on our team it could be a bit of a game-changer especially in some of our key markets.
On the other hand she could be just checking in.
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I've been giving a lot of thought to the input about not pretzeling myself in advance and you are all absolutely correct. And it's something I need to kick out of my head whether I get a cat soon or not. I'm still on the fence about that but slowly moving towards the "yes" side.
The snow is quickly melting. I was looking at the time-lapse footage on my website the other day and with shots every 10 minutes I could actually see the snow on the side of the street visibly retreating. Today I have one of the upstairs windows open to help get some fresh air inside. I miss that.
Things are also counting down for S to come and get the last of her stuff. I'll be pretty happy when that is done. Perhaps 20S will (finally) get her own place and get her stuff too. I've said it before, this is a pretty big place and there's an astounding amount of storage here. But never again will I promote it as "I have room for your stuff"
Well - break time is over - back to it. I hope to actually finish work more or less on time today. Not been able to do that for a few weeks.
happy birthday Andrew. Yes, the glaciers are receding in my part of the world also. I'm glad you're taking a look at the pretzel situation. Whether or not you opt for furry companionship, this is something I feel each of us needs to ruthlessly and honestly look at in ourselves in order to ultimately have a deeply fulfilling life. That life may or may not include a partner or a pet, but it will absolutely include ourselves.
But never again will I promote it as "I have room for your stuff"
Amen to this! Happy Birthday! Glad you got the shingles shot. For others out there, know that you can't have had another vaccine in the two weeks before you get the Covid vaccine.
Hi Andrew,
I was busy yesterday and missed this--Happy Birthday! I'm glad you made yourself a nice meal. Not just a T-Bone steak, but a T-Bone steak with mushroom gravy. No just bread, but freshly-baked bread.
I wish I could place that book you're re-reading. Darn forum rules about naming things, lol. It sounds interesting.
No just bread, but freshly-baked bread.
Weeellll - it's a bit of a cheat. I bought frozen bread dough so all I have to do is take it out, thaw it for about a day in the fridge, let it rise for a couple of hours and bake. Easy peasy. And the loaves are fairly small so I can actually work my way through them. The last of it is planned to be french toast for my dinner tonight.
I think we're allowed to talk about books as long as they're not related to relationships. This one is called Nation by Terry Pratchett. And like the bread thing above, one of the recurring themes is that "it's all a trick" but it doesn't matter as long as you get the results. It's a compelling read by my absolute favourite author.
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Wasn't sure there was anything to add to the diary today but a few things of note.
I feel a bit bad for F at the flower shop. I get the feeling that she would "really" like me to ask her out - her boss was in the shop and made a point of leaving us alone together. She's going through a rough patch that a stable and reliable, financially responsible guy would certainly help smooth out. Especially one who knows a fair bit about horses (long story). I think she was a bit bit put off and disappointed on how happy I am to not have to be caring for anyone including cats. She's having problems with the neighborhood cats spraying the outside of the place she's living and making quite a stink. And is having to help out with her parent's farm and horses not to mention the uncertainty about finances etc. I believe she's just under 40 with an 8 year-old and not a really social person so if she is looking for a partner, she's right in the middle of what is perhaps the hardest demographic for a woman dating.
If she had gone out with me when I originally asked her about 4 years ago - the world would have undoubtedly been very very different for both of us - assuming it progressed. But when I see someone who could use rescuing my reaction now is very much less "I can help this person" to "uurrggh - I don't want to be bothered by that". She is kind, capable, creative not to mention pretty. Tall, blonde, piercing blue eyes, curves in the right places plus a few bonus ones. A hard worker who has a background in the trades who would actually be useful in fixing up and decorating this place. I'm sure her skills are well beyond mine - I've seen some of her work as her boss gets her to fix up things around the flower shop.
I believe she's expecting to be / has already been told that she's being laid off again. She did say that she won't be in the shop for the next 2 weekends and that she's expecting another lock-down here.
I hope that it's growth and not selfishness that makes me less interested in rescuing / helping people. Having been taken advantage of so completely the last time around by S has certainly burned those bridges for others I expect.
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Speaking of things that burned - I was talking to the lady who owns the house next door that burned. She was all flirty and giggly (at least in my imagination) - I've seen her profile on the dating sites and she certainly knows my relationship status. She's 64 and has gone through a significant number of former partners. The fact that her kids and now I am sure grandkids are all involved in illicit drugs I'm sure doesn't help. Anyhoooo - she's sold the house to a local contractor who she said will be fixing it up. So that's both good and not good. I'd hoped that it would be knocked down and the lot redeveloped. Permitting is undoubtedly easier for "repairs" though. Now that I can get some fresh air into the house there is still a prominent smoke smell from there even after 3 months.
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Work has started to make more sense but is still crazy. I went down to the plant on Friday afternoon to deal with an issue that had to be done in person. We've got a lot going on both with bringing some new equipment online and also with a special run for a particular customer going through the plant. I believe that eventually it will be me figuring these things out but for now I'm just a spectator. I think this was the first time my boss has seen me at the site since the first lock-down a year ago and when I sent an email saying that I was going to be switching my on-site day from Thursdays (which are crazy with truck and train scheduling) to Wednesday (when we mainly fill), he commented back on how he noticed how rigorous I was with mask wearing and social distancing and had no problems with me being on site. Most of the guys there aren't as compliant. I choose to not make a stink about it although as pseudo management (I wear a tie), a few of the guys have panicked and masked up when the see me round a corner. I think I'm more now "just one of the guys" though. Which is what I want. I have no direct responsibilities for people and frankly don't want any. I'm just the guy who does a lot of the paperwork and tries to make sure that everybody has what they need. I currently have a complicated important sounding title that reflects my seniority in my old role. There's been some talk about changing it but I think people don't want to offend me. I'm thinking that I'll suggest that the multi-word title complete with adjectives get replaced by the single word - planner.
I've worked the last 2 weekends rather to my annoyance. I'm going to have to put in a bunch of hours this weekend as well and already have done a bit. Mostly responding to emails acknowledging that I've seen the changes in what tanks we're going to be using and that I would take that into account as I plan out. I have a few things to take care of this weekend. We have some railcars being added to the fleet and I believe there's a bunch of them just over the planning horizon that will be showing up sometime next week and need to be dealt with. One of our biggest customers it turns out has lied to us about some business that they moved to another supplier that they claimed was lost to them which is making a bunch of us grumpy.
Laundry is in progress. I had a nice but excessively lengthy phone call from an old friend / colleague who was trying to get me involved in a project he doesn't have time for - and telling me about his upcoming first grandchild. The world keeps revolving. Wobbling at times when I let go of the crank. I'm not sure when my son will be stopping by for cake. I may text him that if he comes to dinner tomorrow night that I'll make scalloped potatoes. One of his favourite things that I make and he would also then get to help finish off the birthday cake. I did pick up some vitamin D3 (waves to kml) that I'll add to my daily regimen.
I am still feeling tired. Burned out, alone but paradoxically enjoying the quiet that I can find given the chaos of my job. S will hopefully be by within the next few weeks to get the last of her stuff. I disassembled the trampoline frame a couple of days ago so it's all ready to be loaded and trucked out. And I'll have a bit more elbow room.
Fascinating how I continue to change as time goes on and experiences accumulate.
Keep resisting that urge to rescue! It’s a fine impulse but it’s gotten you nothing but trouble. Plus imagine how good your life would be if you met a woman who actually had her act together and didn’t need fixing?
I have a date tomorrow!
To meet a possible new cat. An older gentleman cat whose owner had to move in to assisted living.
I expect we'll get along just fine.
From the description of the cat and the type of environment the cat needs....it would be a match made in heaven for the two of you. He is use to a quiet and a peaceful home without kids or other animals.
I feel bad for kitty because he's lost his home and his owner. He has such sad eyes, but he looks healthy otherwise. Praying that both of you find a good fit on this trip to visit w/him and you decide to adopt him.
Well - I have a new buddy that is currently hiding in a basket in the downstairs bath. A 9 year old neutered (and surprisingly de-clawed) male cat named Monty. Given that my grandchildren all have 4 legs and purr, he will perhaps become "Uncle Monty".
He was obviously a well loved pet and well cared for and came with a bag of food, a bed and a big sack full of toys. I went out yesterday and got a new litter box and cat carrier (S has both of mine - probably never see them again).
His litter box, food and bed are in that bathroom and I rarely use it so it can be his for now.
I was hesitant going up to meet him wondering if I was doing this out of duty or desire. Probably a mix of both after I asked to meet him. He's fairly chill. According to the shelter his only bad behaviour is that he will bit if aggressively cuddled.
I have a good feeling about this. A neutered, declawed middle aged male cat is probably a good fit - we match
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Still not sleeping well still. Mostly work stress I'm sure. It's getting worse in some ways and not better. One of our "very" small team announced today on a call that he's taking a leave of absence for a month starting tomorrow. Right before an audit that he's supposed to be running. I wake up at around 2:00 - check to see if there's anything from the plant - am restless for the next few hours - checking again at 3:00 to see how the rail movements went - back at 5:30 to see the tank levels and then "up" at 6:00 to be at my desk by 6:45. I've had at least a couple of small panic attacks which isn't good.
There's just more and more work coming down and less and less resources to do it. I can feel the cracks not just with me but with the other staff as well. I try to have a good sense of humour about it and while laughing loudly at some of the mistakes that are happening - it seems to help. Yesterday we had a shipment of containers sent to us that were carefully turned to conceal the "must be inspected" stickers - so we sent them back. Today there was a call from the plant where one of the operators was questioning a procedure and it turns out he had the wrong paper-work. No real harm done and this is a guy that "never" makes mistakes. He laughed along - admitted it was his screw-up and went and fixed it.
I've been making mistakes too and it really bothers me. Some are because I am untrained and working with inadequate information, some are because I'm rushing and not checking. The plant called and needed a decision about loading a trailer and I said to go ahead and then realized that we were probably short on product - but then found out that another load had been canceled and I didn't notice so it "did" all work out - but still - I count that as a mistake.
I've been noticing that I feel like I'm running a bit of a temperature lately. Undoubtedly related to my Shingles vaccine shot. But the 14 hour days certainly aren't helping. I have an hour or two to do tonight to get tomorrow's loads planned and then I hope to chill for a bit.
Good thing I'm not even attempting to date - there's no room for anything more right now. Once I get more of a handle on things it will get better. I need to create the systems and processes that work for me. Each mistake I treat as a learning experience but I hate making mistakes. I think it helps because I keep asking the others how they have managed to stay sane and keep at least the better part of their hair.
Still no clue when I'll be able to get back to any sort of social life. The latest news is that the new COVID variants are creating a third wave here and people are expecting some areas to go back into lock-down.
Well - this math won't do itself ... A railcar leaves Arkansas loaded with 197,000 lbs on a track going north-east ...
Give Monty lots of space. He'll come around. Right now, he's scared and he doesn't know you. Thank you for adopting him. I truly think the two of you will get along quite nicely.
I do hope that work will slow down a bit for you. Sounds like there is a lot going on in your line of work.
Take care and be sure to check your closets, etc., before closing doors just in case Monty has snuck in while you aren't looking.
Hey Andrew, sorry to hear about the sleeping problems. It sounds like mistakes in your line of work are costly. Not as costly as an air traffic controller erroneously saying the runway is free, but still very costly. You have an impressive work ethic if you're up at 2:00, 3:00, and 5:30 double-checking things. Your boss made a choice to hire someone who is not a veteran at this, and a choice not to pay for a night shift, yes? I hope you can cut yourself a bit of slack and realize your best sounds like it's better than 95%+ of the non-veterans he could've chosen for this role. What I wouldn't give to have more people on my team (without doubling the pay) as driven to succeed as you are!
I have a good feeling about this. A neutered, declawed middle aged male cat is probably a good fit - we match
Hahahahahaha!!!!!
Do you know if he's ever been around other cats or dogs?
According to the shelter his only bad behaviour is that he will bite if aggressively cuddled.
I think I've mentioned before, dated a guy with a cat named, ironically, "Sweetie". She was fine if you pet her briefly one or twice. The third time she would bite the heck out of you. You just had to know her boundaries.
What fabulous news and what a great home for this fellow. I hope the two of you have much fun together. My male cat will also bite out of affection, it is very irritating and can be painful at times. But he is such a sweet boy.
I have a good feeling about this. A neutered, declawed middle aged male cat is probably a good fit - we match
Hahahahahaha!!!!!
Do you know if he's ever been around other cats or dogs?
According to the shelter it was just him and his owner in a big house and that he's not experienced other critters before ending up in the shelter. Once he gets settled in here I hope he'll be open to others coming in to "his" space but it will need to be his first. He found a basket on a shelf that is tucked waaay back on a shelf in the downstairs bath and hasn't moved from it. I'd not intended for it to be his spot but it is for the present. I believe the basket was empty but am not going to move him to find out.
He was still in there this morning but there was some sign that he nibbled on his food when I gave him fresh water. Nothing in the litter box. I went through the bathroom a couple of times and gave him a little pet. He seems chill but is in a "I'm.Fine.Right.Where.I.Am Thank.You.Very.Much" sort of mood I would imagine. He can roam around the bathroom and kitchen if he chooses now but I have the rest of the house closed off for probably the next couple of days.
He's going to love it when the windows can be opened and he can get fresh breezes. There are some big south-facing windows too and when S finally gets the last of her stuff out of the front porch it's a great cat place.
Hey Andrew, sorry to hear about the sleeping problems. It sounds like mistakes in your line of work are costly. Not as costly as an air traffic controller erroneously saying the runway is free, but still very costly. You have an impressive work ethic if you're up at 2:00, 3:00, and 5:30 double-checking things. Your boss made a choice to hire someone who is not a veteran at this, and a choice not to pay for a night shift, yes? I hope you can cut yourself a bit of slack and realize your best sounds like it's better than 95%+ of the non-veterans he could've chosen for this role. What I wouldn't give to have more people on my team (without doubling the pay) as driven to succeed as you are!
I do have to work on boundaries. I was awake last night again at 2:00 and told myself that there was no difference between seeing an issue then or at 6:00. Yes - mistakes that I make can be costly but fortunately there's enough layers between me and product handling that few of them could impact safety. There have been some though and I've been clear on telling the guys that if I ask you to do something that is not up to our safety standards - even if you think it will be ok - tell me I'm an idiot and we'll plan something different.
The biggest challenge is that we seem to spend a lot of time "down in the weeds" worrying about each and every detail. We don't have the management systems (I'm talking process, not technology) that allows us to have clear paths. And we're too busy to figure those out even though I know that senior management really wants that and that's one of the reasons they brought me in to this role as my past experience with systems and process certainly apply and my background with this division in another role plus my over-all chemical industry background is a combination that few others would have. And certainly not in a person who is fine switching between filing paperwork and talking to drivers to working on strategic plans. Right now though I'm just plain burned out and exhausted. And now that we're down one more guy indefinitely we are "all" feeling it.
Andrew,
If and when S and her crew comes to get the rest of her stuff, please make sure she doesn't take Monty or let him outside. You may want to be there when they come just to make sure he is safe in his little corner of the world. I'm glad he had a good night and feels safe in the basket. In a week or so, he'll be exploring more and more. I imagine the shelter was a shock to the poor little guy since he had lived in a large home w/no other pets but his fur baby parent.
I do hope that things will settle down on the job front. Sounds like you are spending way too much of your personal time dealing with work.
Congratulations. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Agree with Job - keep S and her crew well away from Monty. Refresh my memory - does she have access to the house without you being there? I don't think she'd take Monty but I also don't think any of that crew is woke enough to make sure he doesn't get out. I suggest putting all her stuff on the porch and denying her access to the house, if that's possible, as well as making sure Monty is in his bathroom with the door closed and locked so no one but you can get in.
when S finally gets the last of her stuff out of the front porch it's a great cat place.
You have a catio!!! They are all the rage!
If this cat was not even used to other people or animals it may take him a while to warm up to you. An isolated elderly person may have meant he had little contact with others besides the owner. And if the owner was a woman, he may have had no contact to speak of with men.
I'm not a big fan of giving animals treats but you might want to have a bag of cat treats on hand to "reward" him for any moves he makes your way.
Congratulations. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Agree with Job - keep S and her crew well away from Monty. Refresh my memory - does she have access to the house without you being there? I don't think she'd take Monty but I also don't think any of that crew is woke enough to make sure he doesn't get out. I suggest putting all her stuff on the porch and denying her access to the house, if that's possible, as well as making sure Monty is in his bathroom with the door closed and locked so no one but you can get in.
S gave me back her key when she moved her son out and I've moved where the spare one is kept. All of her stuff is either in the front porch or cellar both of which would be reasonably accessed without going through the house at all.
I've made an appointment for Monty to see my usual vet in a couple of weeks and get a microchip. I'm going to see later how he is about wearing a collar too as that's a sure sign that a random cat has a house to go to.
You have a catio!!! They are all the rage!
Well - not quite but it's a big sunny space and if I put something out there he can watch out the window through a screened window when the weather gets nicer. "The girls" would just lay in the big patches of sunshine and enjoy the fresh breezes.
I'm not a big fan of giving animals treats but you might want to have a bag of cat treats on hand to "reward" him for any moves he makes your way.
He came with 2 unopened bags. I may pull a treat out later and set it close to him. When I checked on him at lunch he'd used the litter box and was hiding behind it when I went in. So progress of a sort. What's that DB rule about no chasing?
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I've not heard from S in quite a while - I expect that I'll get a text out of the blue in the next few weeks that they are coming with a truck. It's amazing how many "little" things are missing - I'm sure because the people emptying the house of "her" stuff just plain didn't care and were frankly over-tired of literally cleaning up her messes. I was looking the other day for the stack of microfibre cloths that I had in the kitchen for cleaning my glasses - they accumulate. None. Galls me a bit on how so much random and less random stuff was taken. Just perhaps also shows me the sense of entitlement she has that was a big part of the problem. Someone who sleeps until mid-afternoon and expects someone else to take care of her kids, the house and pay the bills really doesn't match the person who angrily told me that she was upset because I wasn't letting her more into my life because she wanted to help me and stop me from doing so much some months previously. In her mind though, I'm sure there's no disconnect. I expect I'm a selfish jerk who wouldn't let her do anything or change anything.
One thing that I certainly recognized and more so as time goes on was that her actions were all destructive and not constructive. She cross-stitches so I'd suggested she do something decorative for the bedroom - she got angry at that. She demanded that I remove all the books from the bathroom (did that) and cut off the shaker pegs I put in to hang towels off of (didn't do that). She has dozens and dozens of pictures but never put any up and got upset when I did. She tore some of the wallpaper off in one room with no plan on how the room would be redecorated. She was upset that I loved having my quilt - that I bought for myself post divorce - on the bed and insisted that her's be used. Except that the one cheap comforter she had was covered in blood spots from her dog and she never made any moves to put it on the bed anyway. So much negativity in her post-cohabitation actions that don't at all match her words nor even her actions when we were dating.
It's odd perhaps how that relationship has scarred me so badly in many ways. Emotionally I'm fine - probably because it was me that pulled the plug. These days I'm not even too worried about the boys because one was rather an entitled jerk and the other has I am sure more or less landed on his feet. S herself is probably fine other than some steaming resentment towards me - especially if what her son said is true about me being the first to dump her - something I don't completely believe.
But it's made me pretty unwilling to put myself "out there" and to risk again what I have constructed. Imagining what someone could add to my life that I actually want or need is getting tougher and tougher.
Like I've said before - when the time comes, look for someone who is content in their own life and just available for weekend dates without actually moving in with you! Best of both worlds I now think.
But you still have some healing to do and need time to get everything settled in your house and life first. All in good time.
Congrats on the new family member. He looks like a handsome boy who will warm up to you eventually. I just read somewhere recently that newly-adopted animals can take weeks to adjust to the new surroundings and new routines. Be patient. I think treats are a good thing.
As far as S, dating, romance, etc:I think you still need time to heal and as bttrfly has said several times "date yourself". Get back into your routine of those things YOU like to do like walks in the neighborhood or parks, reading, flea marketing (if you are able to do that safely). There is a ton of opportunity to work on hobbies, fitness, yourself in general right now while you can take the time to focus on you and not worry about shorting someone else of your attention. You and Monty ARE the attention right now, so use that to your advantage and take care of you for a little while.
Happy spring! It's a lovely sunny day here in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. Just a hair below freezing right now but it should be warmer reliably going forward. Much of the snow is now gone and the grass is starting to green. I need to go out to the back yard and check on my rhubarb - it should be starting to poke it's nose out of the ground. I was very surprised that my son-in-law from Georgia had never had it before and not even really heard of it. Must be a more northerly thing. Lots of good nutrition in it although the leaves are poisonous - easy to avoid. I did find out though that the "poison" in the leaves is oxalic acid - which is used as a stain remover in both laundry and dish detergents.
I went out Friday afternoon and picked up some of this year's maple syrup for myself and the kids. I also picked up some maple sugar which will be nice in my pancakes and I'm sure my son-in-law will like it as a treat in his coffee. I'm having brunch with my son tomorrow so will take his over. I shudder to think how much this will cost me to mail to Seattle. I'm picking up some treats for my daughter and husband when I grocery shop today to fill out a box. I did finally get the birthday card she mailed me yesterday as well. She mailed it on the 5th so the postal services are slooow these days.
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Man-o-man what a week. Earlier this week one of my co-workers announced that he was taking a sudden leave of absence. I suspect that's medical related and will probably be at least a month. Not sure if it's his own health or a family member. I was chatting with a mutual acquaintance and his opinion was that this colleague may take this opportunity to find a new, less stressful position.
It does mean that his work for the next while at least will need to be absorbed by the rest of us. And the "rest of us" is a pretty small number. As I type this, I'm also starting up the program on my computer that checks yesterday's production numbers and shipments. There's 3 rail-cars to load, some product that needs to be taken from a particular tank that I thought would load last night that's open and 4 other loads that need to be timed by the plant as the product is made.
We did have a few things that went sideways yesterday. I made a mistake in rail-car placement and called some cars in for this coming Monday instead of yesterday. No big problem - we'll pay a bit extra for them to sit where they are and I'll need to work on Sunday and Monday to figure out if they can keep coming in where I had asked them or if I need to ask the railway to change the plans. I was just going to store them in our siding anyway and load them next week. But I'm annoyed that I missed it. We had another car come in Friday morning that we are to empty into trucks for a customer. From Arkansas
The hatch was improperly fastened down and while the seals were in place, they were improperly placed. When we got the hatch open there was labeling inside that indicated that the car was filled with the wrong product and we couldn't get in touch with anyone that early in the morning (we were to start unloading at 8:00). Keep in mind that pretty much everything we deal with is a clear odourless liquid. I remember a few months ago one of the guys having a panic when he saw fluid under a container which - after lab testing - turned out to be melted snow. So - we had to pull a sample, take it to our lab and try to figure out what it was. Turned out to be the correct product. It reacted properly to certain other chemicals and had the correct specific gravity. This is why some customers have us put a few drops of dye into some of the products we package - usually a red dye.
But - we're all getting very very burned out. Our two remaining admin people are in their mid-60s and could walk at any time. We're all working extra long hours. We need more people. I can understand the president's reluctance to bring people in as we are supposed to be transitioning computer systems but this can't go on.
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Monty is doing well I think. This morning I think he's suffering a bit of trauma and regret. He's been staying hidden in his basket on a shelf in the bathroom but has roamed around the kitchen at night. Cat hairs on the kitchen faucet were a give-away. Last night after my zoom happy hour I popped my head into the bathroom to say good-night and he had just left the litter box and was crouching scared. So I sat down and called him over. He was tentative but then devolved into an ecstasy of purring, rubbing and rolling around. We had a nice cuddle. Even though I wanted to go to bed, I went into the living room leaving the door open and watched some TV (old Muppet Show) thinking he may want to visit. This is the first time that the rest of the house has been open so he slinked by and vanished. After 15 minutes or so I figure he's doing his own thing and find him eventually in the office - in a bit of a panic and stressed out and he quickly retreats back to the bathroom. I left the house open and this morning found him in his basket again, looking at me suspiciously. He did though drink most of his water and ate most of the food and the litter box had been used again. When I had him on my lap earlier I checked and his skin was pliable and showed no sign of dehydration - the biggest thing I was worried about.
So - he perhaps has regrets about his wanton behaviour. It does seem though that he will be an affectionate companion. I'll keep giving him space and time.
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Busy weekend planned. The usual cleaning and stuff. I need to find the bottom of my inbox. There's a few things that I'd been hanging on to that I'm just going to have to let slide. I did get an automated email from the bank that S's loan payment had been processed - she's not adjusted that yet - no huge surprise. I sent her a picture of the notification with a note suggesting that her attempts to change the payment haven't worked out as of yet. What a learning experience. There are other words that could be used too. I really "did" know that she wasn't very reliable early on but kept making excuses for her and covering for her. Even now, I expected her to not have her act together and made sure that the loan would be covered. I did this for my ex-wife "all" the time too. I suspect that many of us here were the ones that made sure that the world kept turning. Or - at least that's my own perspective on the history.
When I was having dinner last night I noticed someone wandering around the back-yard of the abandoned house next door so I put on my boots and mask and wandered out. "Can I help you with anything" seemed a non-confrontational greeting. I did vaguely recognize the guy and yes, he does live in the village and had been asked if he wanted the shed that was on the property. We chatted for a bit - he knew my ex-wife as someone who worked at the village general store but not the story. He thought that we had moved. I gave him the basics - he was a bit shocked. I also mentioned in passing that there were security cameras pointed at the house. After I texted my neighbour to confirm that it was a legit visitor and it was. Hopefully something soon will be done with that property. There is a huge demand at present for properties up here. A house around the corner - which has been nicely renovated by a contractor - is up for sale for about $400K - about 3 times what I bought my ex out of this place for. I just had a look at the local real estate map and it is at the low end of the market now. Scary stuff.
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On a final Monty related note, when I was feeding him, I noticed that the bottom of the bag had a sticker on it that identified his birthday and former owner and address. He lived around the corner from my son. My first instinct was to contact my vet to let them know that I had a good line on his former vet. 2nd was to contact the shelter to suggest to them that they need to be more careful with people's personal information. My choice is to just keep quiet about it. It's nice to know his birthday (August) He had been eating a special hypoallergenic diet so I need to find that. From the address I now know that while he did live in a big house, he lived in an apartment in it so a place this big and empty is undoubtedly very intimidating to him which explains in part why after a scouting mission around the house he's retreated to his basket on the shelf (I put a blanket in it). Undoubtedly intimidating.
Well - time to get moving - lots to do today.
Awwww .... once Monty figures out it’s just you and him, and gets the lay of the land, he’ll be fine.
Crazy morning like the usual thing - but just wanted to take a short break to get something out.
I tend to dream very realistically including physical sensations. It's not happened for a while but last night I was "sure" that there was someone in bed with me - specifically my ex-wife. Weird. I could feel the bed shift, the covers move - that presence that was there for pretty much my entire adult life.
I'm someone who believes in the existence of "energy" in the universe and in the interconnectedness of all. I'm not one of those "dance naked in a forest clearing with flowers in my hair" sort. There is though a lot in this universe that despite a strong grounding in science and math that just plain defies explanation. The sheer existence of life and consciousness is a great mystery when underlying it are just some chemicals that have managed to arrange themselves into some sort of self-replicating pattern.
Was she perhaps thinking of me? Was it a foreshadow of the future, an echo of the past? Or am I just over-tired and over-stressed and should stop over-thinking.
It's been 5 years now. No clue how her life has turned out, heck, I'm uncertain about mine too. At present it's just one foot in front of the other.
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While I'm here - minor news.
Had a nice brunch with S26. I had to call him and wake him up - he's been having a tough time of things lately I think. We chatted animatedly for about 2 hours over coffee and eggs. "The girls" were both happy to see me and came out for a visit.
Monty is settling in. I feel bad that I don't spend much time with him - he is pretty affectionate now and will grab my hand in his paws and gnaw on them - the behaviour the shelter referred to as "biting". I've seen this before with cats - he's not trying to hurt - just play. He's found his purr and a bit of his meow. At dinner time yesterday and again during breakfast I had to explain to him that he's not allowed on the counter. I know he's up there when I'm not looking so it's good that I tend to keep it clean. He's learning quickly that if he goes up there that I speak sharply to him, pick him up, give him a lecture and cuddle and put him on the floor. My lectures are dreaded by all so he'll undoubtedly reduce the times that he's caught. A short while ago he wandered through the office exploring. I was going to lift him up on the spare chair I have by the window but he ran off. Still pretty skittish. He's eating fairly well and is finding places in the house he likes and doing a lot of exploring. He still hides a lot - mostly behind the couch. S26 is looking forward to meeting him and my D28 isn't quite sick of seeing snapchats of him.
Well - back to my math and paperwork.
I'm not one of those "dance naked in a forest clearing with flowers in my hair" sort
Not even once?! This sounds like a creative COVID-safe 2nd date idea!
Was she perhaps thinking of me? Was it a foreshadow of the future, an echo of the past? Or am I just over-tired and over-stressed and should stop over-thinking.
Hopefully, an echo of the past rather than the future? I have not read all of your situation, but most of our ex’s are ex’s for a reason. They aren’t some soulmate we’ve been cut off from.
Happy Wednesday from my office overlooking the lovely rail sidings and plant. What a mess rail placements are - you make a plan and cast it out into the wind and hope that what you ask to happen did happen. The good news is that the three cars I wanted to have in place to unload are there and more or less in the right spots. 2 cars were no-shows and one car turned out to be longer than usual resulting in one car being placed exactly where it can't be used.
I have the full day to sort out what needs to be done plus Wednesdays aren't shipping days out of the other part of the plant so I've changed my days on site. Losing that extra hour in the morning for commuting when the mornings are the high pressure times on rail and shipping days is difficult. I still have to do a trial pass at the next rail movement scheduled for tomorrow night, we're going through our audit process so that will take some of my time plus I need to organize some containers blah blah blah blah.
I know that I can do the job and that I will figure it out with the help of my colleagues. My attitude is to first figure out how to do the job and then how to do the job in the standard available number of hours. There seems to be a rumour making it's way around that I'm soon going to be running this place which I stamp down. A few of the guys have told me - not completely as a joke that they want that to happen. Flattering. I'll never have the skills to do what the guy who runs this place does. I'm not enough of a chemist or engineer to figure out the things with the plant beyond basic math. I'm a decent salesman and planner and can look good in a bow tie during meetings though. I am also one of "those" people who believes that the clock doesn't dictate when work gets done. The plant and our customers run 24/7. Except for recent times though, I'm not like my boss in that I firmly believe that I need to be completely replaceable in all my various roles. How else do I get to go on vacation?
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Monty is settling in well. He's a fairly "bity" cat when he plays and accidentally bit me on the cheek. He was startled, I took it in stride but when I was in the bathroom a bit later there was blood down the side of my face. This sort of rough play is fairly common with cats. Our current struggle is in the kitchen. He is slowly learning that he's not allowed to be seen on the counter. He'll jump up there when I'm eating so I have to get up, remove him from the counter, talk to him and put him on the floor. Then 2 minutes later do it again. It's progressing though. At the start he would jump up and wander around. Now he checks on me out of the corner of his eye and then tries to hide behind things. He's sure that he's allowed on "some" part of the counter, just not which ones. I have spotted him like Amy used to, sitting on the corner of the counter watching for me to come home.
He's still nervous and loud noises startle him as does me moving fast. I've been trying to make time for him to just sit and play which isn't as easy as it might sound. But it's all going to be good.
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In other, more DB relevant news, I got an alert on my phone yesterday afternoon that 2 large transactions went through my bank accounts. For those who have this available, I highly recommend checking for it. I get an automated email for any transaction over $100. It was a large deposit then a large withdrawal - the size of the outstanding balance for S's loan. She had messaged me last week that she had set things in train to pay the loan off. The amounts didn't match with the deposit being larger than the withdrawal so I sent S a note letting her know that I would check for the discrepancy and send it to her. Turns out that I didn't need to as she was in the bank branch, paid off the loan in person and then closed the account. She may have ended up with the $30-$40 I had in there to cover the fees but I don't care. I think the people in the bank branch will be relieved to have this over and done with too - there was something about S that just rubbed them the wrong way.
Later she messaged me asking if it was ok for her and her crew to show up on Saturday with a truck and get the rest of her stuff. Certainly that was fine. She mentioned she has lots of room and that the estate sale for her Dad is completed. We perhaps have different definitions of "lots of room" but hey - stuff gone is stuff gone.
So - that will essentially put a fork in that episode of my life and call it done. Phew.
Thank goodness that the loan is now paid off and done with. As for moving day Saturday...thank goodness it's on a day that you will be around. Monty needs to be safe and secure so that he doesn't get scared and run out the door if they should happen to come in and leave the door open. My concern about your situation has always been about the kitties because they all have been uprooted in the last year and need to feel safe and secure in their new environments.
Liz and Amy are adjusting well and I'm happy to read that they are doing well w/your son. Monty is adjusting and I wonder if his previous own allowed him on the counters since it seems to be a normal activity for him. I do think he looks forward to you coming home and that is why he sits on the corner just like your other cat did. Also, I think you are doing a great job with him and the more you work and talk to him, the more settled he will be.
I hope that everything goes well on Saturday and the rest of S's stuff is finally moved out. Now, on to your friend who has been storing stuff at your house. Time for her to get her stuff out too. Maybe it's time to suggest a yard sale if she's not interested in her stuff any longer. I can't even imagine being w/o my stuff for more than a few weeks...but...over a year? It's obvious she isn't too concerned about it.
Are your peonies coming up yet? Mine are up about 6 inches. Hitting near 80 here on Friday.
Yay!!!! I’m so relieved that she paid off the loan and you’re no longer potentially responsible for it!!!!
And you’ll be rid of the rest of her stuff. Soon your house will be your own!
Oh - and apparently declawed cats bite more (since they don’t have their claws). Be careful, because puncture wounds from cat bites can become rapidly infected with a nasty bacteria called pasteurella multocida. (Even lion bites!) Get antibiotics immediately if any puncture bite starts to look the least bit red - it can spread like wildfire in twelve hours.
I tend to dream very realistically including physical sensations. It's not happened for a while but last night I was "sure" that there was someone in bed with me - specifically my ex-wife. Weird. I could feel the bed shift, the covers move - that presence that was there for pretty much my entire adult life.
Hi AndrewP. Maybe it was Monty settling in? Watch your toes!
I totally get what you mean about those deep deep dreams. Seems your dream was foreshadowing exw "taking care of business", (loan and her clearing out this weekend).
Have you considered a cat tower for Monty? *I'm not up on all the details.... but he sounds purrfect
I totally get what you mean about those deep deep dreams. Seems your dream was foreshadowing exw "taking care of business", (loan and her clearing out this weekend).
Actually that was an ex-girlfriend. My ex-wife has been gone for nearly 5 years now.
Have you considered a cat tower for Monty? *I'm not up on all the details.... but he sounds purrfect
We get along - a bit better each day. I do think he would appreciate me playing more with him - if his former owner was a retired semi-shut-in it would make sense that he got more attention than he gets now. He has started hanging out with me in my home-office and even participated in the Friday night Zoom happy-hour I go on with some friends.
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So - because this is the most important bit - Monty is fine. S and a surprisingly small crew were here and loaded up the last of her stuff. It completely filled a second good-sized truck with what is left and there is a bunch that I'll need to take to the dump. I found Monty not looking stressed at all but in a "I'm-fine-right-here-thank-you-very-much" attitude in his usual spot behind the couch.
I'd left a note on the door to let S know that I'd adopted a cat and to mind the doors and that he was very shy. She seemed to know little or nothing about him or that I'd adopted a cat so she's presumably no longer living up the the "Stalker" moniker that got her the alias of "S".
Little to my surprise they arrived while I was out running errands - something I'm predictable about. No message beyond the one previously saying she would be by today, no call, but the security system beeped at me and sent me a clip of the truck backing in to the driveway. I checked from time to time and saw people bustling about fairly briskly. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but they were still here when I ran out of excuses to stay away so I did end up having to interact a bit - which I was hoping to avoid. They had finished the last of the loading just coincidentally perhaps. Personally it seemed rather rude to go to haul away stuff without a "we're here" notification. But then, consider the source ... I had considered setting up a camera inside the house but didn't bother. The goal was to have her stuff out and get closure, not worry about the silverware.
I had been a bit concerned because the microphone on the camera picked up a small dog constantly barking and I was worried that they had decided to lock her into the house but when I got home, it turned out that the neighbour dogs were all barking and S's dog joined in but was outside. I was worried mostly about Monty but also because the dog is one of the reasons I had to get rid of the living room carpet. She's bouncy and friendly and remembered me and was very happy to see me.
On another positive note, S's S18 has grown seemingly about 3" in just a couple of months and told me that not only is he now off of all of his anti-anxiety meds but is also more or less off of counseling. He's really flowered. He says that he's eating well and drinking a lot of water. He used to only drink - a lot - of canned iced tea. I had been worried about him but I think he's gotten on the right footing living with his buddy and I have hopes for a better future for him. At 18 and suddenly eating properly it's not a huge surprise that he had a sudden growth spurt. I told him that I was very proud of him.
I was a bit surprised at the fact that it was only S's S18 and son-in-law here helping and not her daughters and now D20's boyfriend. Not my monkeys. They did get the stuff cleared out, and didn't seem to take beyond what they were supposed to. I was pretty careful though about what got staged. They did take the stinky rug I'd put out in the shed to throw out that used to be in my dining room - her one cat used it regularly as a toilet - so that saves me some effort. The son-in-law seemed less than happy about being here but that's not big surprise.
I was able to remind them to take the dead critters out of the freezer in the basement so that's done too. I have some ribs, a couple of large beef roasts and the duck I'm planning on cooking up for Easter down there still but should be able to empty it and decommission it again soon.
S was decent towards me although I'm sure she has quite a bit of resentment going on. When she left it was with a parting shot of "enjoy your space".
She has moved full time into her Dad's former house / her childhood home. She must have figured out the financing somehow. She commented on how empty it was - I believe she sold the contents at an estate auction. I really don't know and don't really care about the details. I am relieved that she has - as usual - landed more or less on her feet. If she didn't have that financial cushion I probably would be feeling a lot more guilt.
Personally, I didn't look at her initially as a rescue and I think she would be offended by that idea but her complete lack of being able to pull her own weight financially or otherwise was a big factor in my decision to end the relationship. Note to self - "entrepreneur" or "between positions" should be absolute non-starters unless it can be proven that they are indeed hustling and making a living. I'm too old to risk my future supporting someone who is unwilling to do their part.
I feel a bit weird about the whole thing today which is no real surprise. S still does have an attraction to me which I needed to stamp down and keep things on a professional level. I have no clue how she feels about me but expect that her madly in love and devotion that she proclaimed regularly has drifted away. I'm keeping my narrative that what we did feel was indeed real but not persistent. I am glad that I didn't make more effort to try to keep things together. It was an unhealthy environment.
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Not much else going on. When I was out for my walk around the village the other day a neighbour invited me to sit on their back deck and have a beer with her and a friend which I did from a distance. I got an earful about my ex-wife and her goings on years ago. This used to be one of her besties and she's convinced that my ex was cheating on me years ago on a trip they took together in Cuba. The truth? I'll never know and don't worry about it too much. Her narrative does indeed hold water though. A lot of bad blood between the two of them since she left though. It does surprise me that my ex didn't move out of the area. Despite living here for pretty much her entire adult life, she has I believe shed a lot of the support and friend network she used to have. She's probably got more in her old home town or perhaps even the city that OM lived in. But no, they live about 10 minutes away.
The friend who was there on the deck seemed a bit flirty but is currently seeing someone who she seems to think of in the category of "he'll do" which is a familiar trope
. She was going on about how hard it is to be alone and lonely. She was married for about 20 years and then again and presumably doesn't take a break between. She lives above one of the shops on the main street of the village. Someone to steer clear of I expect.
My boss seems to be in a progressively more foul mood in recent times. He's under a lot of stress which I'm sure is not helped by the challenges in training me. I try to not take it personally. A benefit perhaps of having been through the crap that I have been and also of being of a "certain age". I've seen him take out his upset with other staff as well as suppliers and customers. He's not nasty about anything but I think, especially with a couple of suppliers and customers has reached the "I'm not dealing with this !@$$ any more" point. The operations manager has also taken the brunt of it a few times too and he's a harder boiled egg than I am. It's a bit surprising because over the years I've known him he's generally been a cheerful, optimistic and level headed person. We are in a tough position right now though with our biggest customer trying to do us over it appears on certain product lines, staffing issues etc. I wouldn't be surprised if his wife hasn't been putting pressure on him as well to slow down and perhaps consider retirement. He's only 6 months older than me but is probably in a financial position where he could retire on a whim.
Working in a production environment is a very different dynamic than a corporate one. Mistakes are accepted but you've got to learn from them and own up to them. There have been a couple of times where I could have thrown one or another of the staff "under the bus" for mistakes but I've taken it on myself. It's my role to provide them with clear instructions and if they did the job wrong that's on me and not them. Something I am positive that the guys appreciate both the "not getting thrown under the bus" part as well as the continually trying to do things better by working "with" them.
I have a few things to take care of this weekend for work that I've not had much time for as of yet. My boss currently manages a few of our processes using memory, experience, sheets of paper and multiple information sources. My background is in integrating information so I'm able to pull a lot of things together into one spot. As a "planner" I've been focusing on just the next day or at best a couple of days out in the new roles that I've been given. I'm starting to look beyond that horizon to try to see the bigger picture - a goal that is necessary in this role, especially with rail movements. I spent some time on the phone with the railway the other day sorting out some cars that were aimed the wrong way and I think they appreciated the fact that I completely understood that we are dealing with a pretty complex environment with multiple factors involved that all the best laid plans can be - ahem - derailed - by one or two minor things.
I've also found that it's amazing what you can do / get away with if you have a veneer of competency. Like with the railway - I was able to divert several hundred metric tonnes of hazardous goods through a phone call and knowing certain key pieces of information. I've found this in all sorts of environments too. Seem like you know what you are doing and people tend to go along with it.
Well enough for now. I've gotten a bunch of my planning together for Easter. I expect my son to dinner and haven't heard otherwise. I have a duck in the freezer plus numerous other trimmings plus of course some chocolate. The "bunny" will arrive here. I am thinking that given the big shift today with things with S now completely disconnected that I may have a nice soak in the tub after dinner with either a book or cartoons to keep me company and just let everything soak out and wash away.
I do plan to give the front porch a bit of a clean and set it up so that Monty can hang out there. It has sunshine and fresh breezes. I may rummage around the workshop and see what I can maybe do to give him access to the screened windows. I've seen hammock things that maybe I can easily put together that some cats enjoy laying in. I've not gotten a good feel as of yet on how he likes to "hang out" yet but I can imagine that as spring rolls on that a place with sunshine, fresh breezes and birdsong would be popular.
Have a great rest-of-your weekend all.
Wow - how many years before the end of the marriage was the Cuba trip? I’d say the friend is probably right - women know these things. Was this supposedly an affair with someone else on the trip? Or a random hookup with a local? I too have my suspicions about more infidelity in my marriage than I knew at the time. It’s disappointing to look back and realize how naive I was, but it also explains a lot. And it really doesn’t change a thing at this point. Just let’s me know it really always was about him and not the result of a thing I did.
Glad Monty is settling in and wasn’t affected by the great move out. So glad all that stuff is gone. It really was a stroke of luck that she received her inheritance just as it was becoming clear to you that this couldn’t work. And that’s great news about her S18 - you’ve had a beneficial effect on him and his eating that is already showing dividends. Good work!
My son’s cat has a hammock that hangs from a window and he loves lying there and watching the birds.
Wow - how many years before the end of the marriage was the Cuba trip? I’d say the friend is probably right - women know these things.
It was about 4 years before. My ex came back with insights about the resort entertainment director and his regular scoping out of "fresh meat". There were also some locals who she seemed to want to avoid.
My personal narrative is to more or less accept her story that she was out drinking with locals who were happy to have a tourist buying bottles.
This is based in part of on my belief that she hated sex and only used it to assume control. A tourist director in a third world country has nothing to offer. She had a lot of pain and mobility issues including bursitis in her hips which is well documented.
Of course I could be wrong and I know she regularly lied. I do get some solace knowing that OM is probably getting about as much poontang as I do these days.
I suppose he could have offered youth, good looks, flattery, adventure? Or maybe she just implied something to that friend that didn’t really happen in order to look desirable? Who knows. And at this point, who cares?
Hey Andrew,
It sounds like you did a great job handling the move out. I’m glad you still feel confident in your decision.
Interesting point about the lady on the deck making choices to not be alone. That seems shortsighted for her, because relationships and marriages with the wrong people can be very long. Is that necessarily a dealbreaker for you, if you felt attraction and she aligned with your values? Maybe since she’s not holding out for her idea of great, you’d always wonder if she was settling with you too, maybe leading to her putting in less effort, breakups, or infidelity?
First, I am so glad that Monty took the "invaders of the moving team" so well. Second, and I know you know this already, but do not open your windows all of the way because Monty just may push too hard to lean up against the screens and fall out. Third, I am so glad that all of that stuff was moved yesterday. It has to be a relief to know that your porch is now your own once again.
You and Monty will definitely enjoy each other's company in the days/weeks/months ahead. The big boy has lost of room to roam and explore and plenty of windows to visit.
Enjoy your day.
Interesting point about the lady on the deck making choices to not be alone. That seems shortsighted for her, because relationships and marriages with the wrong people can be very long. Is that necessarily a dealbreaker for you, if you felt attraction and she aligned with your values? Maybe since she’s not holding out for her idea of great, you’d always wonder if she was settling with you too, maybe leading to her putting in less effort, breakups, or infidelity?
Hi CW - I used to think that I "could get along with anyone" which in fact has turned out to not be true. I've changed the narrative on that though and look at that as "settling" - which I think this lady has been doing.
A common narrative I've heard is from people who "are afraid to die alone". Rather morbid isn't it.
And now - no - I absolutely don't want to settle. Even someone who I could get along with isn't enough any more. They have to inspire me with their inner strength and beauty. They have to bring things into my world that I don't have. Points of view, experiences. They have to have a morality that is compatible with mine, especially around honesty. It's perhaps a cliche but I don't want someone who "needs" me.
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It does seem that the universe has echoes in it. I was surprised when I woke up this morning that there was a notification on my phone that I had a new instagram follower. My ex-wife. Now I saw that she had set up a profile a few months ago but never posted anything - or so I presume. She has her account marked as private. Our daughter is somewhat active there as are a few of her friends. She popped up on my "people you might know" list at the time. Then about a week ago, so did her sister.
She unfollowed me immediately as when I checked she didn't show as a follower - my feed is public anyway so maps of my walking or pictures of food are the same whether she is following or not.
She had maybe heard through the grapevine that there was a large moving truck here yesterday and was curious (?) No way to know.
The house feels different with S's stuff now gone. There's some trash to deal with but it feels good to no longer have that obligation hanging over me. I have some work to do - did about an hour or so already - but it's a good day I think to relax and putter. I want to get the front porch vacuumed so that it's safe for Monty. It will be nice to be able to open it up. In the winter on a sunny day it generates enough heat to warm the house significantly but this past winter I've mostly kept it closed because of the "stuff".
Now to nag 20S.
I had set myself a boundary of not even thinking of dating as long as S's stuff was here. Now that's passed. But I'm not ready. I've got too much going on and lots of work to do on just being "me".
You and Monty will definitely enjoy each other's company in the days/weeks/months ahead. The big boy has lost of room to roam and explore and plenty of windows to visit.
Monty is progressively filling more and more space. He loves that he can sit up on the desk with me which he's doing right now. Cool and rainy here today - there will be lots of time for windows.
And before anyone asks - I can't imagine a world where I would want to date my ex. Those bridges were thoroughly destroyed even though she tried to hang on to me I believe until I found the strength and courage to cut that rope. I also know that she lacks the humility to honestly try to accept responsibility for her actions to me. Her history when confronted much milder scenarios where she is at fault is to run and deflect. Not to face things. She can be a tower of strength in some situations and is able to power through difficult external situations but facing those she has hurt - no - I can't see that.
On with my day.
I suspect you may be right, she might have just been snooping about the moving truck.
Fortunately my ex doesn’t seem to be the least bit interested in snooping - he never shows up in my FB “people you might know”.
Oops - dropped the phone and it posted before I was done. My ex met CMM once at middle sons graduation, and met crazy ExBF once when we helped same son move. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when crazy ExBF was alone with exH and raving about what a great woman I am. Crazy ExBF, for all his flaws, was about 6 inches taller than my ex, built like a pro athlete and an extremely handsome man. People in my neighborhood always asked him if he'd played pro ball.
I could be wrong, but you have shown interest in the past in your XW's life, through your son, so maybe it is natural that she would be curious if she heard there was a big moving truck at your house. Or maybe she was just curious in general...who knows? I've never been at all interested in what my XH does and met his current wife twice, in passing, at family events and kept it to the polite minimum....just enough that it wouldn't be hurtful to the girls. I honestly couldn't care less if they both fell off the planet today. I would feel bad for the girls because I love them and they love their dad, but wouldn't feel at all bad for him or his skank.
I'm glad Monty made it though the great move with all the random people. I'm also glad to hear that S's son is doing well. I think that is a good example of someone who does better outside his parental influence. Of course, I'm of the very unpopular opinion that "kids" have to and NEED to take responsibility for themselves at a certain point, so there is that. Either way, I think that it is clear that you had a positive impact on him and I'm glad to hear that he is finding his own way in life. I hope that he continues to flourish as he makes his way in the adult world.
Yes, you NEED to nag 20S to get her stuff or she never will. In fact, at this point, I'm not sure nagging even matters, because it seems pretty clear that she doesn't want or need it. Don't offer storage space in the future either, unless it is to your daughter or son. LOL You need your own space, even if it is more space than you and Monty need. Stop taking on the responsibility of everyone else's baggage and just work on your own.
Sorry work is so rough right now, but honestly, I think a part of you appreciates/enjoys the challenge of learning and working through things. You are a fixer in every sense of the word, so figuring out all the puzzle pieces of a "traditional" (which really isn't the right word for what you do) work day is something that keeps you mentally engaged. I suspect that you are one of those who is always thinking and tinkering and your brain doesn't really just shut down all that often. I don't say that as though it is a bad thing, but it is what it is, you know.
Overall, I think your posts late are sounding more like the old Andrew...the pre S Andrew....and I LIKE it. Keep on keeping on, my friend!
Are your peonies coming up yet? Mine are up about 6 inches. Hitting near 80 here on Friday.
Forgot to answer this job although I did go out to the garden and check. The peonies in the back garden have started to poke out above the soil as has the rhubarb. The peonies in the front garden weren't up the last I checked. Since they are next to the driveway I put a big stick next to them to ensure that S didn't back over them with her truck last Saturday.
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Weight is still going up. I think I figured it out though. Stress and lack of sleep. I'm retaining water in my legs again too. I NEED to get some sleep. I have good hopes for this long weekend. The stress - well - it's part of the price of learning a new and fairly stressful role. I have been getting out for an hour walk most days now though - I need it to take a break from the constant being "on" for work. I had been having some pain in my shins so I'm trying to walk at a bit more sedate pace. I think that I was striding rather aggressively and the extra weight (up 20lbs since before Christmas) doesn't help. I've been watching my diet more too and am eating less and better than before too and less even than when I was losing weight previously. There is no heavy breathing or even speaking moistly going on (Canadian inside joke) and that I know burned a lot of calories last year.
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We've been having a heck of a time with our rail car movements. Today was the first time that everything actually worked out the way I wanted it to but there were less cars to move around and I spent about 1/2 hour on the phone with the railway sorting out one of them. I accidentally copied the customer in on one of the emails involved too so had to calm them down and assure them that their product would be where it needs to be this morning - probably. I walked the rail line this morning when I got in to the plant and their car was indeed right where I asked for it to be.
I think we're getting in to a bit of a morale problem at the plant as well. Despite being the only guy who wears a tie, the guys seem comfortable talking to me. I think a key annoyance is the fact that the top staff are rarely here. Management here has historically been very "hands on". Management is also under a lot of stress too and that does trickle down.
The guys recognize that I'm "new" and even though I've been around for a long time they know that I'm approachable and try to make their lives easier as much as possible. Something I've always figured was my role. I got some sympathy from one of the loaders today who commented that he noticed how long of hours I had been putting in. I had to talk to him which was easier with being on site about some changes we needed to make at the last minute. I think he appreciated that I gave him the details appropriate to his job and what he had to watch out for while at the same time respecting that he's the guy who knows how the job is actually done. I've always gotten on well with Operations people though going back to my days with General Motors in the 1980s.
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I'm not sure, but suspect that my ex-wife might be lurking here (waves). After my last post, her IG account vanished. Ducked back in to her cave I supposed after seeing her shadow. No real impact on me, I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with her although the dreams with her in them as a partner are back usually involving me being upset at her lack of humility and remorse about her cheating. Dreams are weird things though. I actually clocked one the other night - a lengthy involved dream that startled me awake - 1/2 hour after I last saw the clock.
I have my duck out of the freezer now and thawing for Sunday. S26 hasn't confirmed his attendance but he's not let me know that he has other plans and I did invite him. I may ask him to come out a bit early and help with the storm windows. He's looking forward to meeting Monty.
Ex probably just peeked in on IG to see what the moving truck was about and ducked back out, hoping you wouldn't notice before she left.
20 lbs is a lot of weight in such a short time - I'd be a bit concerned about either fluid weight (a red flag for heart failure) or hypothyroidism - those are the two things that can put weight on the fastest. Your leg edema could also be due to sitting for prolonged periods of time - maybe set a timer to remind you to get up every hour and walk around the house or office. Either way, you ought to discuss it with your doctor.
Andrew,
Do you eat food and/or drink stuff that has a high sodium content? You may want to look at your groceries/beverages to make sure you are getting items that have low sodium. Some people can't tolerate a lot of sodium in their diet and puff up from the extra fluid.
Do you eat food and/or drink stuff that has a high sodium content?
I eat very little packaged for convenience food. Even the butter I use is unsalted. My son was shocked with S moved in and brought her salted butter on how much better everything tasted. I kept a separate dish for myself. My salt intake has probably gone down since mid-October when she essentially moved out as there is little convenience or take-out food here.
I'm 99% sure that it's just plain lack of sleep and stress. I did actually get an almost decent night's sleep last night. Woke up once around 2:30 and didn't check my phone. I'm trying harder on that. My eyes are raw though and I know my brain is sluggish.
What a heck of a day. Got chewed out by the operations manager this morning for legitimate reasons, dealt with logistics issues from the barber shop, juggled multiple crisis plus the whole - trucks gotta move - thing all day. We're having some issues balancing production with demand and that has resulted in a fairly significant crisis - not of my making per se because that part of the responsibility hasn't ended up in my lap - yet - but one I need to deal with. We were obliged to let one of our tanks go below the normal minimum level so I had to figure out where to send the lower quality product.
One of my big struggles right now is with the fact that customers aren't sending back their returnable containers. Even the cheap ones have a deposit of $70 on them and there are probably well over 100 out there with a $1700 deposit on them that just aren't coming back. I've chewed through my replacement inventory twice and had to explain to a few customers that - we'd love to give them product - but first send back the blasted empty containers so we can fill them!
Sigh
It may be unsurprising to some that I'm actually having fun. It's stressful and difficult but I am being challenged each and every day to do better. And I actually think that I am but know that I have a looong way to go. I still haven't figured out how to fit the hours I use to do this job into the hours that I'd like to do it in.
The railcar orders I had to do I was pleased that the last set I did actually worked out. I ended up spending time on the phone with the railway to make sure it did but it did. I did up today's order and only was called out on one thing which actually was just a difference of opinion on how one of the rail cars would be used. Now I need to work on sleeping through when the trains arrive and shift the cars around and only check AFTER I have slept.
One thing that continues to amaze me is how much you can accomplish if you just appear to be competent. Mind you, most people get through this world thinking that they are faking it. I've ordered hundreds of metric tonnes of hazardous chemicals, shifted nearly a million tonnes of rail traffic in recent times based on just knowing the right things to say to the right people. I do promise to not use my powers for evil.
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We appear to be going back down into lockdown here again in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. Some people are going out for one last fling which to me is a WTF moment. We are locking down because the spread of COVID is too high so why not just do what you can as soon as you can?
I'm a bit disappointed because I had actually reached out to "C" to see about getting together for a drink and visit in a couple of weeks which will turn out to be in the middle of the current lockdown. No harm, no foul. Regardless of any romantic intentions - which are not completely off the table - I quite like her as a person and it would be nice to visit. She seemed to share my interest in getting together as well but not in the intense stalker-ish sort of way that she was right after her split from her ex.
Well - of the 300+ emails that came in today and the 60 that I've still not read, I think it's time to have some dinner. Hasselback potatoes (thanks DnJ) and steak. Might fry up some mushrooms too. After dinner I need to check the docket for tomorrow's deliveries (yes some customers are paying a premium for a holiday delivery) and see what needs to be done tonight vs tomorrow. And then - cuddles with Monty.
Time for a new thread! Please link both threads together (I'm leaving this one unlocked so that you can link your new one to this one).
Wishing you and your family, Monty included, a Happy Easter!
Time for a new thread! Please link both threads together (I'm leaving this one unlocked so that you can link your new one to this one).
Wishing you and your family, Monty included, a Happy Easter!
The same to you and your family job. Thanks again for watching over us.
New thread time
The rebuilding continues. It's said that "Rome wasn't built in a day" but history tells us that the Visigothic sack of Rome took roughly three days in 410 AD when Alaric came to town.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2917415&#Post2917415