Going to see The Who tomorrow, hence the new thread title. Here’s the link to my last thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...&Number=2858505&nt=11&page=1We used to play Substitute in my old band, loved that.
My sister went home today, it feels like the hard part is just beginning for her.
CMM has a blood test in the morning - selfishly hoping he doesn’t need more transfusions tomorrow or I might miss the show!
I hope all goes well w/CMM's blood test.
Yes, the hard part is just beginning for your sister. However, she knows that you are there for her. It's going to take some time, but she will work through her grief a little at a time.
Please take care of yourself.
Well he had his blood test drawn over 4 hours ago and no emergency phone call, so looks like we will be able to make it to the Who tonight.
Hope you had a fantastic time KML!!! You deserve it!!! (((HUGS)))
It was a great show - they had an orchestra onstage with them! So of course they did some songs from Tommy and Quadrophenia. For some reason I never realized how much taller Pete Townsend is than Roger Daltrey. They can't his the high notes so much anymore but Daltrey's voice still has power and they both looked so darn happy to be there. Zak Starkey was drumming for them (Ringo's son).
The opening act didn't introduce themselves and the singer got into a fight with the lighting guy right off the bat, making him turn off the spotlight, which resulted in the singer and band being almost invisible in the shadows for the whole performance. Eventually they played Wonderwall so I figured out it must be Liam Gallagher of Oasis, who has a reputation for being a jerk.
so glad you got to go.
One of my bestie's (the one who lost her son a few months ago) is driving as we speak to spend the weekend here. On Sunday she and I and three other friends are going to see Stiff Little Fingers. Small venue. I'm super stoked. They were fantastic last time I saw them (maybe three or four years ago).
xoxoxo
I never regretted going to see a band, but have often regretted the shows I missed! Sounds like fun!
Very true statement. But the costs have gone up so much recently for tickets. It’s so depressing. I wish something could be done. I read somewhere that back in the 1960s to see the Beatles costed a price equivalent to a 40 dollar ticket today.
True for top tier acts, but there’s so much good music being played out there at venues that range from $10 -$40. Go hear some new music!
Ugh - some OCPD craziness going on with CMM right now and honestly I have no patience for it.
I spend yesterday with my middle child who lives an hour away - he was having some serious mental and physical health issues and had to take a couple weeks off on disability from his new job, which he realizes he is going to have to leave. (Involves 4 hours of freeway driving in traffic daily and he has a medical condition that is making that very difficult.) He just needed some serious Mom time, comfort and advice.
CMM gets all bummed out and whines about how he feels like my kids are taking me away from him. (Seriously dude? I spend almost ALL my f-ing free time with you! I made a spreadsheet to whip out next time he complains of that, which shows that 92% of my free time is spent with him! He's the spreadsheet king so I'm gonna fight fire with fire.
)
Anyway, this morning he comes down to breakfast in a snit, kicks a grocery store receipt that ended up on the floor (probably fell out of my son's sweatshirt pocket on his way to work) and complained about my son not picking up his grocery receipts. Then immediately also complained about the spoon rest in the kitchen not being cleaned. Mind you, CMM doesn't USE said spoon rest and it just had a little spot of dried food on it that my older son obviously hadn't noticed. All of this before any good morning pleasantries. I called him out on it and now of course at work I'm getting texts that he can't make dinner because the kitchen is too dirty etc.
Lest you think my son is a slob, I have a pretty good idea of what I will find in the kitchen when I get home - some clean dishes in the dish rack, a rice cooker that just hasn't been put away in its home in the garage, a very few crumbs on the counter and/or some minor grease spatter on the gas stovetop. If it's REALLY horrible there might be one item left soaking in the sink. (Mind you, CMM's plan for dinner involved grilling a steak on the backyard BBQ so he doesn't even need much kitchen counterspace. )
No, if he was financially able to move out I would have made him do so a long time ago. That's just not possible but I sure wish I could slip some Prozac into his coffee! He needs to chill the heck out. GRRRRRR.
As expected, here was the horrible condition of the kitchen:
Wok and innards of rice cooker clean and drying in the dish rack. Rice cooker hasn’t been reassembled and carted back out to the garage - horrors!
A single water glass on the counter (dishwasher was full of clean dishes.)
A couple pepper flakes on the counter.
A couple crumbs by the toaster (very few)
Someone used the last paper towel on the roll (new roll sitting next to holder unopened)
How could anybody POSSIBLY cook in such a mess? HOW could he be expected to clean up every day after such a mess? THE HORROR!
Did I miss something? Are you guys living together? When did that happen?
oh boy you. sure as heck don't need this right now!!
and in the time he took to text you his complaints, he instead could have taken care of it all.
LOL
I won't tell.
I wish I had something helpful to add. I know that after my divorce that I learned to let a lot of things go. And in hindsight that a certain amount of the inflexibility that people saw was perhaps just my wife enabling me. Like not eating pineapple which she would go to lengths to avoid. I don't like them but eat them pretty much daily because they are good for me and are part of the inexpensive mix I buy.
It's pretty much a certainty that CMM is under a lot of stress. Like me, he probably finds comfort in predictable routine. What works for me with S25 is knowing that he will make a mess. That he has different standards than I do.
There is certainly a core of jealousy and perhaps fear that we've talked about before. He doesn't have many interests or an outside life if memory serves. Maybe if he had a routine set of volunteering or some such, something that obliged him to be at a particular time and place it would give him a wider world and make the crumbs on the counter less of a mountain.
((kml))
He’s living under your roof rent free and you take care of his medical needs?
He needs to calm the F down.
I agree w/all of the posters. He needs to calm down and breathe. After all, it is your house and it certainly doesn't sound like the kitchen was a mess. In fact, it sounded like it was very clean. Your son left the innards of the rice cooker in the dish rack to dry. You don't want to just wipe that down and them put it back together. It's better to air dry it.
He needs something for that OCD mess and he should be thankful and appreciative of all you do for him. I don't know how you put up with all of his drama, especially after all that you've been through the last couple of weeks.
G- agreed!
Job - I didn’t put up with it, I blew up at him about it yesterday morning.
Andrew - his OCPD is so bad he just can’t let stuff go. He does need something besides doctor appointments to get him out of the house. He really can’t get a job with his oxygen tank and chemo but he could do some volunteer work - I’m going to push for that.
I think I figured out part of why this is flaring up now - he was willing to “clean up” after my elderly mom (I.e. wipe down a kitchen counter with crumbs or put a glass in the dishwasher) but now that she’s gone he sees any “mess” as irresponsible on the part of my boys (who honestly are trying really hard to keep the kitchen clean for CMM).
Last night he showed me a list of all the things he does around the house. He’d like me to make the boys do some of them. But half the things are things nobody has asked him to do! Vacuuming low-traffic rooms in between cleaning lady visits. Cleaning the downstairs guest bath (which barely gets used) between cleaning lady visits. (Cleaning ladies come every two weeks).
Weirdo dream last night. I seldom remember dreams, usually only when I wake up early in the morning and go back to sleep.
I think this dream was sparked by Andrew's date, and her husband trying to reconcile with her recently.
Now - to set this up - my ex and I had reconciled after his affair, and then a few years later he left for good. By that time, he did a good enough job of making himself difficult that I didn't ever want him back. I've often said I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter and gratefully, have no feelings of missing him AT ALL. He has never shown any signs of looking back either, and has been remarried (not to an affair partner but someone he started dating 9 months after we split) for several years. I'm glad he doesn't appear to have regrets because I don't wish him pain and would never want him back.
So in the dream, someone had to cancel out of a conference at the last minute and I was called in to lecture in their place. Turned out my ex was also teaching at this conference so he and his wife (we'll call her B) were also there. I think my oldest son was also there (like he'd come with me). Oddly the lecture I was giving had to do with kites (like, kites that you fly).
Anyway - the crux of the dream was my ex very publicly declaring that he was a fool to have let me go and wanted me back. In front of his wife and attendees. I of course wanted nothing to do with him. It was very weird.
Did I miss something? Are you guys living together? When did that happen?
????????????????????? Is this akin to "Do as I say not as I do?" Really been glossing over this "withheld information"
ugggggggg, it's so easy to give great advice, and you very often do KML, I'm just not sure you are good at following it - based on your track record. It clearly confounds things with CMM's condition but now I'm wondering if it's as big of a factor as I thought. Are you getting as much out of this R as you are putting in? It's one thing, at least in my mind, to be helping him through this but it's another level if he's moved in - and I think you know that, which is why you didn't want to tell us.
It's much easier to give the advice than to follow it - and I'm in that camp too, but it's still the case. Don't let this follow the same path as the last guy who was living double lives right under your nose.
Life is hard, that's for sure.
He was not able to move in until alimony was done. Is a financial necessity now. Honestly if there was any other way that wouldn't end up with him on the street, I wouldn't have him living with me. His income is enough for him to pay his bills if he doesn't have to pay rent. Going to live with his estranged daughters is not an option and honestly, I wouldn't abandon him at this stage in his illness. I didn't expect him to live this long, he may have another decent year in him but barring some miracle new treatment not likely more than that. He buys groceries and cooks, I'm not subsidizing him financially except for providing a roof over his head.
Talking with my middle son tonight, who has had to take two weeks unpaid leave from his job due to physical and mental health issues. This means he’s going to need some financial help from both parents so he emailed his dad about this the other day. After a day of silence, ex responded to him that he was having a patient and personal crisis and would get back to him later. The next day ex says patient crisis has resolved but he’s still having personal crisis “but don’t worry I’m not terminally ill or anything”.
Ex can be maddeningly vague but it’s odd that he would admit to a personal crisis to his kids. He certainly wouldn’t admit to depression if he was depressed. We don’t have any reason to suspect his relationship with his wife has gone south (unless the idiot has started cheating on her too). And if he had a physical health issue, why not admit it? He’s had a few surgeries in the last couple years, shoulder x 2 and neck, not sure why he’d be coy about something health related.
And, of course, he hasn’t answered son’s “groveling” request that he split financial assistance with me.
he’s still having personal crisis “but don’t worry I’m not terminally ill or anything”.
Well - he has to build up the drama and angst first about how it's such a huge imposition
Well - you might be right Andrew but that hasn't been his M.O. in the past - more just slow to respond, then a lecture. It IS his M.O. that he hasn't answered the question yet. But it's odd for him to say he's having a personal crisis. This IS the child who was always closest to him, although not so much lately.
It's also odd that he said he didn't have a terminal illness or anything. Maybe he has some non-terminal illness that's bumming him out? Too personal to talk about, like prostate problems? Or maybe just a depressing diagnosis like psoriatic arthritis (which runs in his family) or heart disease (which would threaten his uber-athlete self concept)? Not sure why he wouldn't share the latter but who knows?
Saw him and his wife in June at son's graduation and everything with them seemed fine, she seems very happy with him and him her so I would be surprised if that's the source of trouble.
As for the patient crisis, when you're a surgeon, bad outcomes do occasionally happen even when you're really good, and it can be devastating, but sounds like whatever wa wrong resolved ok.
Who knows? Not my circus unless it affects my kids.
Well apparently the personal crisis just has to do with conflict with the CEO of a charity he’s involved with and “being in debt”. Son actually started to feel bad for a minute about his schooling putting dad in debt until I reminded him that I’M not in debt, I also spent about $50k more than ex in adult children AND make less than half as much money.
More information, ex is apparently suffering from medical problems that will make him unable to perform surgeries, will be taking early retirement in February (and then presumably working part-time in a non-surgical setting.) Still trying to decipher an email from him about how to help our middle child during this period of financial need, trying to get some clarity of what he's suggesting as he can be maddeningly indirect. However I think I have proposed a win/win to him, waiting to hear back.
I don't wish anything bad for ex and hope whatever his physical ailments are that it does not make him too depressed (he has always been extremely physical and exercise is his main antidepressant. Also he turns 60 in February, he didn't take turning 50 well, so I suspect that will be depressing him as well.)
Sitting in the hospital with CMM. He had a capsule camera test yesterday to try to identify the sources if his intermittent GI blood loss. ( you swallow a large capsule with a tiny capsule in it and it transmits photos of your small intestine). Unfortunately the camera got hung up in a small bowel obstruction and he’ll be having surgery later today to remove it and see what’s causing the obstruction. Not very likely to be a tumor given recent PET scan results but fingers crossed.
Large capsule with a tiny camera. Been up since 4 am
Wow, when it rains... Sounds like whatever is going on with your ExH is somewhat serious - clearly serious enough to end a career. I'm sure that has to be hard, no matter how much of an arse he may be.
Surgery just to get the camera out - or is that secondary to trying to find out what's going on. I don't know how long it's been since CMM's diagnosis, and I didn't take the time to look back, but he has to be near or past the median window by now - and that's good. I just hope this latest bout is not the things that makes the rest of the dominoes start to topple.
Hoping for the best - please let us know how surgery goes.
Yeah CMM was diagnosed August 2018 and median survival was 13 months, he’s past that and still in pretty good shape! He just had a PET scan in September and it didn’t show anything in the abdomen so tumor seems relatively unlikely. Also no obvious tumor on the CT scan today. Crohn’s Disease can cause small intestine strictures and he has been on a checkpoint inhibitor which can trigger autoimmune disorders like Crohns but he hasn’t really had signs of that. He had a small AVM on his colonoscopy so a larger vascular malformation is a possibility. He’s never had abdominal surgery so adhesions are not a likely cause.
My ex is going to turn 60 so I’m sure he’s really struggling with the idea of getting older and having physical limitations. I wish his wife good luck.
Well surgery is over and he’s been sleeping for a few hours in his room. The small bowel obstruction turned out to be due to a carcinoid tumor in his small intestine. They resected that part of his bowel, further treatment is unlikely to be needed as these tumors are slow growing. However it doesn’t appear to be the source of his GI bleeding and a quick review of the camera tape didn’t reveal a source.
He’ll likely be in the hospital for a couple days or more, depending on how soon his bowels start to move. Usually takes a while when they’ve manhandled your bowels like that.
I am glad the surgery is over and they found the source of the blockage. Hopefully, both of you will get some much needed rest during this time.
Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
No reply from my ex btw, after I sent him my email on Tuesday asking for some financial specifics and proposing a win-win solution that would actually save him a large amount of money over the next few years. Don’t know if the lack of response is because he’s confused about the financial specifics I asked about (I took the opportunity to ask for specifics such as what the early benefit is actually going to be - I get a portion of the early retirement but don’t know exactly what his income has been) . Or perhaps my response short-circuited his plans? Who knows.
CMM has been up and walking a couple of times today, sleeping quietly now. Modern medicine is pretty amazing that you can have part of your bowel removed and be up and walking the next day. Still it’s likely to take a few days before his bowel wakes up and he can go home.
We had a nice visit in the hospital from a couple who have been friends of mine for 40 years. The husband had a heart transplant last year (just before CMM was diagnosed) and is doing great. They made us laugh for half an hour, the best medicine.
CMM still in hospital, but bowels are finally showing signs of activity so he can have clear liquids today. Still in a fair amount of pain. I think they’ll send him home tomorrow, he thinks he’s going to go up and down the stairs in my house, I said “not so much!”.
Still no word from ex, I resent my email from Tuesday today asking if he’d seen it and explaining I’d been at the hospital for days with CMM.
Finally got a response from the ex, still kinda clear as mud but a few things cleared up. He had said in his initial email that the new early retirement plan was not "as robust" as what it used to be - so I had questioned him about the changes, since I looked it up online and it looked like the formula for calculating retirement income was exactly the same. He responded that it no longer includes dental coverage and coverage for mental health care outside the HMO! Well first of all, dental coverage is pretty cheap, second neither of those benefits applied to me anyhow. AND his wife has a good job with insurance - if he needs outside mental health care I'm pretty sure she could add him to her insurance.
He apparently went ahead and sent some money to middle child, it's not clear if that's the only amount he's going to send. He only answered with a rough figure of my retirement benefit - I KNOW the rough figure, what I need to know is how much he's actually been earning and what the total retirement benefit will be so that I can be sure he calculates my share accurately.
Meanwhile CMM is still in the hospital - we had hoped he might come home today but his abdomen is still too distended. Hopefully tomorrow. Meanwhile I ordered one of those rolling walkers with a seat on it - he doesn't think he'll need it but I anticipate he will, and that it will come in useful in the future.
Well CMM is STILL in the hospital, his belly still swollen like a basketball despite passing several BMs and some gas. It’s been six days since his surgery, he really ought to be better than this by now, I’m starting to worry about some kind of surgical complication.
My poor sister has discovered that the rental property they own (was her recently deceased husband’s before they married) is going to sell for far less than expected. She was expecting the money from the sale to pay off her own mortgage so that her own salary could cover living expenses. Unfortunately it turns out that the renter trashed the house, PLUS it needs a whole new septic system (and lord knows what other possible expensive repairs) so instead of getting $200-250k profit from selling she’ll only get $85k. I hope she gets some good news soon, so far it’s all bad.
CMM came home Wednesday night, still having quite a bit of pain though.
Is he doing better today? My understanding is that the more grumpy and miserable a patient is, the better they are healing
If that were true he’d be all healed!
No, he’s still in pain and we’re concerned about a possible cellulitis. Watching an area of skin which may be just a little discolored from surgery versus the start of an infection.
Oh, and met with the oncologist yesterday who seemed to think the carcinoid was the cause of the GI bleeding - umm, no, both GI and the surgeon told us it wasn’t likely the cause, and they didn’t see anything else on the capsule camera footage either.
Poor CMM, still pretty uncomfortable.I marked him up with a sharpie on Friday and the discolored area is not spreading, so not likely cellulitis, but sure seems like he’s recovering very slowly.
Meanwhile I’m spending all weekend working on paperwork things that have gotten postponed with all the stuff happening in the last few weeks. Trying to get caught up. So many people need my attention for so many things right now.
I am sorry that CMM is still uncomfortable. I hope he feels better soon. I understand the need to play "catch up" after all that you've been through the last month or so, but please try to carve a little bit of time out for yourself.
Did they not prescribe appropriate pain meds for him or is the pain just too much for oral meds? Or has the opioid prescribing over-correction reached CA patients as well? Really hope that’s not the case and whatever the reason he starts doing better soon.
Also do they believe they have the bleeding stopped or is that likely to continue as well?
He's been prescribed Norco but is refusing to take any. He doesn't want to get constipated but I think also has an unreasonable fear of opioids. Just taking plain tylenol.
Lol well no wonder he’s in pain. I’m mean it’s not funny but dude, there’s no reason to suffer. I am glad to hear at least it’s not a prescriber issue. Ive been hearing more and more about that and it’s a real legit issue. Obviously your son and I are living proof that opioids need real caution but the answer cannot be not giving them to anyone, which some docs seem to have defaulted to. Anyhow take some stool softener or heck one here and there when the pain is bad will not bind him up that fast. I’m sure you’ve already told him all,this. Tell him some stranger on the Internet told him as well, maybe that will help.
Lol yeah I told him he could take half a tab to take the edge off but no. It’s not like I would even let him take the. Whole prescription. Yeah there needs to be a middle ground. Fortunately his pain seems to have been a bit better today. He’s had some diarrhea today (hoping it’s not c diff! Loading him up with probiotics just in case) but it seems to have deflated his swollen tummy so I suspect it’s just his gut finally starting to work and clearing things out.
Oh, and we don't know yet if the bleeding is stopped. The surgeon and the GI doc in the hospital both said they didn't think the carcinoid was the source of the bleeding because it was submucosal (below the surface of the intestine) and no evidence of ulceration or bleeding from it. They also didn't see anything on the capsule camera footage of his small intestine. His hematocrit was stable for a few days after surgery but then dropped a bit so they transfused him - that could have been from a little GI oozing from the site where they sewed his intestines back together, OR it could be his mystery source bleeding again, don't know. He'll have repeat blood tests Friday or so and we'll see if he's holding on to those red blood cells or not.
On a better note though - he's had to be on daytime oxygen since shortly after his radiation treatment in August (before was only at night). But yesterday he was off his oxygen for about an hour and a half and his oxygen level remained in the 90's - that's a big improvment over a month ago. Likely just his body calming down from the inflammation that the combo if chemo and radiation triggered. (He's been off chemo now for almost 10 weeks). Bronchoscopy is scheduled Friday to see what's going on in his lung right now and new chemo decisions will be made after that.
I know you have so much on your plate right now. I'm sending you a {{{{{{{kml}}}}}}}
Back atcha {{{{{{{{buttrfly}}}}}}}}
CMMs bronchoscopy yesterday went smoothly. We won’t know much until biopsy results are back next week. ( This was done to assess some PET scan changes, with a goal to direct our next chemo or radiation step.)
Meanwhile his daytime oxygen levels seem to have returned to normal after the big dump they took in August, which is a relief.
Good news, the lung biopsy of the new area of concern was hegative for cancer, and the carcinoid tumor pathology did not look aggressive.
Had a nice dinner last night with a couple I knew when my oldest was a toddler. Sweet people, good hearted, salt of the earth. So glad they stopped to visit while they were in town.
CMM is recovering slowly from his surgery. (The "bonus" umbilical hernia repair that the surgeon threw in turns out to be the worst part of the healing). We met with his oncologist Friday who wants to hold off on chemo until January and see what a repeat CT scan looks like at that time. He seems to think the tumor mass is dead but I'm not sure I agree, as CMM's sputum has become blood-tinged again (it was clear for a while). But I plan to use this time to crank back up his adjunctive treatments and it will be nice for him to have a reprieve from chemo during the holidays.
Getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner this week at my house with my kids. It's my favorite holiday meal because it's easy to do gluten-free (Three Bakers GF stuffing mix, folks). The hardest part of the divorce at first was splitting up the holidays but we're all used to it now, it's my turn this year. Honestly, if my ex hadn't been such a wanker in the years after the divorce I would have no problem inviting him and his wife, but no. Nope.
It does remind me though that I need to work on widening my circle of friends. I have friends, don't get me wrong, but as an introvert I had relied on my ex a lot to organize dinner parties and the like. As I get older, I see the benefits of having a close circle of friends that do things together, and it would be to my benefit to work on that now.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving at my house, we will miss my Mom but Thanksgiving supper has been my job for many years now (since my own kids were small really). FB memories brought up a video of my mom today
Weird story about my exH; he left us in a January, and he filed for divorce in maybe that March. We sold our house in June and I moved in with my mother. That November, exH actually asked (through my kids) if he could come to Thanksgiving at my mother's house!!! WTH? The answer was a resounding "H3ll No" - I mean, even if I HAD felt so inclined - which I definitely didn't by that time - why would he ever think that my mom would welcome him at her table after the way he had treated me? My mom didn't put up with that nonsense. (And it's not like we had any back-and-forth or attempts at reconciliation in that year - once he was finally gone he was GONE and not looking back. This was after several years of me DBing and a previous reconciliation so by the time he moved out I was done too.)
I think about that every year at Thanksgiving - I suspect he was just missing the delicious Thanksgiving meal he knew I would prepare. All the years we were married, I'd be slaving in the kitchen over Thanksgiving dinner with three kids underfoot and he would go out surfing (because, hey, the waves were uncrowded because everybody was doing Thanksgiving stuff with their families). He didn't help prepare the meal (even though he was a decent cook).
Also, Christmas Eve would usually be me up past midnight wrapping the last of the presents and putting them under the tree, while he went off to bed at 9.
Seriously, I was so easy-going and accommodating, but in retrospect, I should have demanded so much more from him.
The good news is, I learned how to make many of my Thanksgiving recipes ahead of time so that now Thanksgiving meal prep is much less stressful, and my grown kids are lots of help. CMM is also very helpful in the kitchen (although his extreme germophobia and slow pace of working can drive me crazy sometimes, so I will be giving him discrete tasks to do that are separate from anything I'm doing. The man has no "hurry up" gear and I feel like The Flash around him sometimes.)
Happy Thanksgiving to you and CMM and all of your family. I hope you are showered with blessings and that the Universe starts giving back to you after all that you've given to others.
Thanks devvo. We had a delicious meal and all my kids were there. Unfortunately CMMs germophobia was in high gear. Example :my son pet his (healthy) cat then cut some pie. CMM now cannot have any of the pie because it’s “contaminated”. And worse still, since he’s not simple OCD but has Obsessive CompulsivePersonality Disorder, he has NO insight into the fact that he’s OCD and just thinks he’s right. Ugh!
Belated Happy Thanksgiving / First day of the left-overs kml!
On the bright side - more pie for everyone else
I like pie .... Just sayin ....
Andrew - in addition to pumpkin pie and Dutch apple berry pie, I made a pumpkin cheesecake that was TO DIE FOR. I cobbled it together from a few different recipes and it turned out fantastic. I will definitely be making it again.
Here’s the recipe - note that pumpkin purée is NOT pumpkin pie mix. Also, if you like cheesecake and don’t have a springform pan, invest in one - you won’t be sorry. You could however make this in a baking dish - just wouldn’t be all pretty. (Also note, this is a gluten free version, but if you don’t have a gluten problem, you could use regular flour and regular ginger snaps).
Gluten Free Pumpkin Cheesecake
Mix 3 x 8 oz cream cheese (softened at room temp) with
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
2 tbsp all-purpose gluten free flour
Beat until smooth low to medium with electric mixer
Add 1/2 cup sour cream, mix
Add three large eggs ( mixing one at a time) and 1 tsp vanilla extract
Add 15 oz plain pumpkin purée
Crust:
7 oz package gluten free ginger snaps, crushed
1/3 cup walnuts, ground up (optional)
1/2 stick butter (4 tbsp) melted
Mix ingredients and pat into bottom of buttered 9 inch springform pan (make sure you grease the pan and cover the outside bottom and bottom edges with foil in case of leakage)
Pour filling into pan on top of crust
Place on a baking sheet in 325 degree oven
(You can place a flat roasting pan with 1-1/2 inches water on the shelf below or place it in a water bath - I had good luck with just putting the roaster on the shelf below. You can also do without but the cheesecake is more likely to crack).
Bake at 325 in preheated oven for 70-80 minutes, until mostly set. Turn off oven and open oven door slightly, and leave in oven for 45 minutes. Then let cool on counter and refrigerate, covered, overnight or at least 4 hours. Decorate with walnut halves or candies walnuts if desired and serve with whipped cream.
Thanks for sharing kml. I've only ever used pumpkin pie mix once in my life. The pie turned out OK but being a bachelor I have the luxury of being able to take time in meal prep. And am a bit of a snob about ingredients
The window for getting pumpkins here is fairly small and it's tough to find a pie pumpkin close to Christmas. I may pick one up today if I can find one, cube and freeze it.
That's clever baking it over a pan of water. I've never heard of that before. I wonder if that works with brownies too.
Since S and three of her kids have gluten sensitivity, tested gluten free recipes are a great thing. I do own one smallish spring-form pan that I picked up for Robbie Burns day to stack the haggis, neeps and tatties although I ended up using a different pan. Thanks for sharing. I'll add this to my list of DB recipes which includes Jack 3 Beans' Chicken Marsala.
Saw the new Mr Rogers movie yesterday. Tom Hanks was great. And it really inspires you to be a better person.
Today my son and I went to see Midway. Great cast, very well done. But man, war is the stupidest thing man has ever done.
kml,
I agree w/you on the movies, i.e., Mr. Rogers and Midway. They were both done very well and yes, war is the stupidest thing man has ever done.
I'm going to go see Knives in the am. I'm curious to see how that one plays out.
Enjoy your Sunday!
Oh yeah, we saw the preview for Knives Out today, what a cast!
Hmmm...just thinking about a certain friend of ours whose ex and OW were reading her thread. Skimming back over her posts, I can't imagine how an OW could read them and not feel completely ashamed. The kindness, the consideration she extended to her ex, the being bamboozled by her H to believe that he wasn't having an affair when he was, etc. How must an OW feel reading that? Clearly this OW has no character at ALL if that didn't make her feel guilty. The GALL of that OW to announce this to our friend, too.
I can only guess that the OW feels her relationship is threatened by reading that OP was NOT in some "marriage in name only" or some horrible harridan. And the fact that OP's ex is carefully following her dating a new man - probably making OW very jealous so she felt she had to strike out.
I can understand that some people get conned into an affair - so many cheaters claim "we were only staying together for the kids" or "the marriage died a long time ago" while simultaneously continuing to keep up a loving front with their spouses. An affair partner must feel pretty stupid once you find out you fell for that. And HOW would they ever trust their new partner again? I can't feel sorry for the torment that this particular OW is probably going through now. She has earned it.
And again, so grateful my ex didn't marry one of his affair partners, but a woman he met about 9 mos after our split. I don't know how those of you with young kids manage it when the ex is with the person they cheated with. Ginger, you are a saint!
kml,
I enjoyed the movie, Knives Out. It was a murder "mystery" of sorts and you don't find out until about 20 minutes to the end that the murder was not what it appeared to you throughout the movie. Great cast of people.
I agree w/you about the situation elsewhere on this forum. The ow must have felt threatened and wanted to keep tabs on our dear friend. It's sad when you have a stalker lurking and then you, as the poster, feel the need to disappear for a while and return much later. I do wonder how our dear friend was "outed" as the posting name is very unusual. I hope that our poster will return.
So I’m a little slow getting Christmas together this year. I did poke around in the garage today and bring in one box of mom’s decorations. Then I opened another box and guess what? It had my fathers wallet in it. My father, who died in 1969 leaving my mom a widow with four kids.
It had a photo of my mom, his drivers license, his Elks Club member card and such. And hilariously, it held a couple of business cards from a friend of his who was a member of the LAPD. On the back of one was written “Hi, X is a good friend of mine and I’d appreciate it if you gave him every consideration”. On the back of the other it said “My friend is a lush and you should take away his keys”.
My dad was an extrovert and the life of every party. It doesn’t surprise me that his friend kidded with him like this, or that my dad thought it was such a funny joke.
how wonderful to find that wallet K ... xoxoxo
Wow. Just wow.
My ex is an even bigger azz than I could have ever believed.
Background - middle son just graduated with his MSW in June and started his first job. Unfortunately the job ended up requiring a crazy amount of driving (up to four hours a day In LA traffic) and at the same time he was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos syndrome, a collagen disorder which is causing his joints to pop out of place (probably worsened by an exacerbation of his lifelong anorexia due to stress of graduate school). He was having so much pain from the driving that he had to quit his job .He also became seriously depressed. Now he’s trying to get proper medical help for his medical problems and eating disorder and find a new job that doesn't involve all that driving ( this was on the job driving, not commute to work).
So - he needs financial help from his parents to get through this - not just rent and bills, but he’s also had to go to some outside practitioners to get the care he needs, that are not covered by his hmo.
I’ve been willing to pitch in half, even though it means I will have to dip into retirement savings to do so. (I make less than a third of what ex does). This is a good kid, straight A student, who feels really bad about this.
My ex makes an income of about $350k and has a wife who must make between 80-100k. No kids except our three adult children. When he retires in February he will pay me $4k a month as my share of the pension, while he gets about 10k per month. He can also work per diem at his old job (most do) 2-3 days per week and make another 100k per year if he chooses. His wife is only in her early 40’s so presumably not retiring. He was out on an unpaid disability leave for a few months and I guess tapped into his 401k for some of that.
His 401k should have been worth about $800k at least.
So - after sending him an accounting of son’s expenses, what I’ve paid so far, what he’s paid and what we would each need to contribute going forward 50:50 - silence. For almost two weeks. Then an email back saying he’s too broke and I should pay for it all out of the pension I won’t even be receiving until February.
WTF? A few thousand out of his 401k over the next few months isn’t going to affect his retirement a bit but he still wants to stick me with it because he’s mad I got a piece of the pension after 24 years of marriage??? Honestly I don’t know this man. One son is already estranged from him. And this is after I offered him a solution that would have saved him considerably on his taxes so that it would have been a large net gain for him.
I’m so hopping mad right now I can’t see straight. Cheap jerk. And how does he expect to keep a relationship with his other two children after this?
Btw - he’s not disabled from practicing medicine, just won’t be operating any more. His neck and shoulder problems do not prevent him from doing clinic work. Or lecturing.
Yes I’m sorry for him he’s not getting his dream retirement. But hey, he blew up my whole f-ing life and he doesn’t hear me complain about it.
Parents sacrifice for their children . That’s what you do.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!
When I met with mine recently and told him that I was going after everything I'm entitled to under the law because I'm the one with the relationship with the children and they will come to me for their needs, he said they have two parents. I said don't even get me started on that. Then he said I was punishing him. And I asked, for pursuing what I'm entitled to?
This just proves to me I'm right. I'll take him for everything I can so I can help my kids like a normal parent would in these circumstances.
I really wish I could have gotten a lump sum settlement instead of alimony. There weren't enough assets for that, but I think him cutting me a check for alimony for ten years really cemented in his mind that there was some injustice - so he paid me back by sticking me with over $100k of excess expenses for our adult kids. And now he acts like he's doing me a f-ing favor by paying me the part of the pension that is LEGALLY MINE and therefore I should spend it all on the kids even though I don't get for three more months. HE'S the one that blew up MY life and I've never whined about that to him. What an idiot.
I can totally forgive him for the marriage, the cheating - but not for what he's done to our kids since the divorce.
Yup - he spoke to son today and confirmed that he won't help him. And that he thinks son is "entitled" (anything but! Super hardworking kid who got straight A's while over coming a host of problems.) And that it's all my fault he's "broke" because he has to pay me my legally mandated portion of the pension.
I sent son a copy of the original email I sent to ex - a very nice pleasant email with a breakdown of costs, an acknowledgement that it's a stretch for each of us, and reasons why we should support our child. Son confirmed that it was a very nice email and nothing like what his father had described to him - sheer gaslighting.
What an idiot.
(And lest any of you think that he didn't get a fair shake in our divorce - we live in a community property state. All of our assets were earned during our marriage. I worked part time after out three kids were born so that he could pursue his high-powered career. I had asked him early on to consider a less demanding field and us each work part-time and split child-rearing but he didn't want to do that. I got half of our assets, only 10 years of alimony for a 24 year marriage, and a share of the pension which actually underestimates my share by a bit because the formulas used couldn't account for the fact that his pension accrued at 2%/year during the years we were married but only 1%/year in recent years. The alimony was based on an imputed income that is more than I have ever made - it was a compromise between what he felt I could earn and what I actually earn. I split college expenses for all our kids with him. And as stated before, spent probably over $100k more than him in helping our adult children, who all have mental health issues that were certainly exacerbated by ex's blowing up their family.)
Not to mention that I have carried all the emotional weight for our children's problems - from one son's Asperger's and anxiety to another's drug addiction to the third's physical and emotional health issues - while ex sees them once in a blue moon. Must be nice to just check out of parenting when it gets too rough.
Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. I think that the best piece of advice that I got from my lawyer was "you're scr@w@d".
I do think that most people faced with a divorce, especially the ones who leave have an attitude that they are given a half pass to a "fresh start". On the other hand as I recently wrote, I was pretty upset that I had to pay for other's choices.
It's especially sad that in some ways that it's the kids that get the worst and of the stick. Even when they are adults in some cases. I know that my son especially would have benefited from having a functional parenting duo behind him. On top of that they are stuck in the middle with conflicting stories and priorities.
It wouldn't though surprise me if your ex is indeed broke and struggling. He undoubtedly doesn't have a recent history of making good decisions. Take S's ex who (probably) wasn't unfaithful. He makes about 20% more than I do but moves from one substandard housing situation to another and is doubtful that he can get a car loan for a cheap car.
You are resourceful and have a kid who wants to succeed. You'll figure something out but yeah, it won't be easy.
No way is my ex "broke". I know what he makes and have a rough idea of what his wife must make. I know what his upcoming pension will be and how much he could make working per diem after his early retirement at 60.
I also know what he bought his duplex for and what kind of rent he gets for the other unit.
Seriously, even if he spent $100k of his retirement savings to cover his unpaid disability leave, he'd still have plenty of money to live a very nice life - much nicer than my retirement will ever be. In fact, if he were willing to sell his property and buy a nice $1 million dollar house a little further up the coast (like, 10-15 miles up the coast) and a mile or two inland, he'd have no mortgage payments at all and would never have to work a day in his life again. But he wants to hold on to his duplex, right now the rental income should cover half of his mortgage, eventually with inflation it will cover it all.
No, he just feels like he should be richer even than he is. Probably feels like his wife should be able to retire at 42. And it's all my fault because he couldn't dump his wife of 24 years without some financial consequences. Someone told him early in our marriage that the secret to financial success was "one wife, one house". He'd have been way better off financially if he hadn't blown up our marriage, he simply needs to accept that he paid that price for bailing. And really, he should be so happy with his new life, right? But apparently not happy enough to help his children out.
I can't imagine why you felt the need to justify taking your half of community property. He's an ahole. That's all there is to it. I'm glad that at least your son knows the truth of what happened.
I hate that our exes think they are entitled to ruin the lives of people they said they loved, including their children, then whine and moan to the very same people about how their finances are not as healthy as they would like. Mine carries on a treat to our sons whenever he sees them, reminding them that they 'owe' him and they are obliged to help him financially when he is old and grey.
It might be XH's idea of a joke, but if it is it falls flat every time.
I just have such a hard time maintaining an angry attitude. Even after yesterday, which makes it clear that he's trying to stick it to me because he's angry that I get part of the pension, and is willing to let his relationship with his kid suffer because of it by putting them in the middle, I still woke up this morning thinking - "wow, he must be really panicking about his finances in retirement. " I even ran a quick financial calculator to see what his situation will really be. And no big surprise - he will be ok. Even using very conservative estimates I have him with a safe after-tax income of 11,000 a month. (Safe meaning accounting for inflation, his eventual social security, growth of his retirement funds, long lifespan etc). Even if he's paying 5,000 a month for his mortgage and taxes on his duplex (I suspect it's a thousand or two less after rental income and tax deductions, but again, making very conservative estimates) he would still have $6,000 a month after taxes for present expenses. Of course, eventually his mortgage will be totally covered by rental income as rents rise. Meanwhile, he could work per diem just one day a week and bring in an extra 3,000 a month which would make him very comfortable and pay for vacations and such. This is all without including his wife's income. Working per diem two days a week would bring in $6,000 a month extra and fund a luxurious lifestyle with plenty of foreign travel.
So - just to say - no, me getting my fair share of the pension is not going to make him broke, or even prevent his young wife from retiring in her 40's if that's what they want. He probably doesn't know this though because he's bad at math and finances.
he's a fool.
you're entitled to your settlement.
these people make me sick.
glad you're able to let go of the anger so quickly.
xo
Watched Love Actually again last night. I love that movie, despite the Emma Thompson storyline being uncomfortably close to my own life.
The year that my ex was having his ( recently discovered) affair, he went Xmas shopping one night and came home with a bag from a Hawaiian store in our town. But Xmas morning there was no gift from that store to be found.
When I confronted him on it later he revealed that he had bought me and the other woman the SAME gold necklace but had had second thoughts about giving me the same one. He then produced the necklace. (I never wore it and eventually threw it away).
So when I see Emma Thompson sucking it up for her kids’ sake while her heart is breaking, I SO relate.
A second, nicer Xmas story:
About 3 years after my ex left, I met a guy online who lives about an hour and a half away. “Spa Guy” * was tall, handsome, intelligent, with a wry sense of humor. I broke my own rule and had long phone conversations with him before we even met. He was very clear though from the beginning - he didn’t “do” relationships. This was one Love Avoidant guy, but I appreciated his refreshing honesty and self-awareness about it. (He’d had some pretty traumatic life events long ago and I think just didn’t want to be vulnerable again) .
I felt I’d gotten to know him pretty well through those phone calls and was not disappointed on our first date. He was just as I thought he would be, only better. So much so that I spent the night, because I couldn’t think of an honest reason to say no.
Now remember - I’d been notified up front about his Love Avoidant status so I didn’t have any expectations or preconceived notions. We had a fun night and great conversation.
Christmas was coming soon, and it was going to be a bit lonely . My kids were going to be at my house xmas eve day but then to their Father's house for dinner and staying overnight to spend Xmas with him ( it was his turn) My mom had gone to another state to spend Xmas with my sister. So I had no one to be with Xmas eve and morning, until Christmas night when I was going with my BFF to a party (the Loser’s Christmas, that’s a whole other story.)
So Spa Guy invites me for a second date - on Xmas Eve. Yeah, that’s a weird time for a second date. But it was lovely - he cooked me a delicious meal in his beautiful loft condo. We exchanged presents ( I bought him books; he gave me a fluffy white bathrobe). We talked, and watched a movie ( he had great taste in movies, books and music). Hot Christmas sex. It all was surprisingly lovely.
I stayed until late in the afternoon on Christmas Day , until it was time to go to my party. (Spa Guy was invited but declined as he had to get up at 4 am for work.) It was without a doubt the best second date I’d ever had. And I find myself thinking of him and smiling every Christmas.
* The name Spa Guy comes from my BFF, who likened my dates with him to going to the spa for the weekend. And if you’re wondering why he didn’t have somewhere else to be - he was estranged from his extended family after he had cared for his dying older sister. He had no children and had never been married.
A third Xmas story - The Loser’s Xmas.
My BFF first invited me to go with her to the Loser’s Xmas party. It was thrown by the guy who had signed her to her first record deal. He’d been having this party for thirty plus years - started as a gathering of all his friends who were alone - like him - for Christmas, it had grown into an event filled with interesting, artsy people. You might meet a guy who designs the rides for Universal Studios, then find yourself standing next to Clem Burke, the drummer for Blondie. I attended a couple of times and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The guy who hosted was a lifelong bachelor, a smart and successful nerd, a caring, generous friend to many and involved in philanthropic activist work for the poor. A real mensch, beloved by all. And tragically, inexplicably, earlier this year he committed suicide. There will be no Loser’s Christmas this year and I know the pain of his loss will hit all his friends again on Christmas Day.
Watched Love Actually again last night. I love that movie, despite the Emma Thompson storyline being uncomfortably close to my own life.
The year that my ex was having his ( recently discovered) affair, he went Xmas shopping one night and came home with a bag from a Hawaiian store in our town. But Xmas morning there was no gift from that store to be found.
When I confronted him on it later he revealed that he had bought me and the other woman the SAME gold necklace but had had second thoughts about giving me the same one. He then produced the necklace. (I never wore it and eventually threw it away).
So when I see Emma Thompson sucking it up for her kids’ sake while her heart is breaking, I SO relate.
OMG what a putz.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
SMH
A third Xmas story - The Loser’s Xmas.
My BFF first invited me to go with her to the Loser’s Xmas party. It was thrown by the guy who had signed her to her first record deal. He’d been having this party for thirty plus years - started as a gathering of all his friends who were alone - like him - for Christmas, it had grown into an event filled with interesting, artsy people. You might meet a guy who designs the rides for Universal Studios, then find yourself standing next to Clem Burke, the drummer for Blondie. I attended a couple of times and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The guy who hosted was a lifelong bachelor, a smart and successful nerd, a caring, generous friend to many and involved in philanthropic activist work for the poor. A real mensch, beloved by all. And tragically, inexplicably, earlier this year he committed suicide. There will be no Loser’s Christmas this year and I know the pain of his loss will hit all his friends again on Christmas Day.
wouldn't it be lovely if someone else donned the mantle in his memory, so the tradition could continue?
Yes I wondered if anyone would but no one seems to have stepped into his shoes - they were HUGE shoes to fill. Of course I am just peripherally connected to him through my friend; it’s possible that some of his inner circle are having a smaller, private get together. Everyone is still stunned, though, at his suicide - it was so unexpected.
Bttrfly
Well the beauty of divorce is I DON’T have to deal with him anymore.
Can I just say, I’m a gift giving ninja this year? I think I found the best gifts for everyone and got some great deals in the bargain (for example, youngest son is getting a tent, cold weather sleeping bag and warm weather sleeping bag all for $100 total from Big 5 Black Friday sales. Got a good Black Friday deal on the kindle CMM wanted, and a nice 15 lb weighted blanket normally $199, for only $45 on a coupon sale from Big 5. My son who loves soundtrack music and video game compositions - tickets to a chamber music concert performing the music from the Final Fantasy video games. I managed to stay largely within my budget but know my family will be happy. (None of my kids have significant others right now, so family Xmas is their main gift exchange).
I’ll be baking Ranger cookies today and wrapping the last of my presents. If middle son arrives early enough today we’re going to see the movie Bombshell before he goes to his dad’s for Xmas eve dinner. I’ve got the Christmas spirit and hope all of you enjoy the holidays, despite the new traditions.
Wow! You got some really great deals. Everyone will be so happy to receive their gifts and will be totally surprised.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Merry Christmas to you, Job! Yeah, I’m very happy that I think everyone will be surprised and pleased with their gifts. AND that I’m done with my shopping in time to get everything wrapped without stressing
{{{{kml}}}} Merry Christmas !! xoxoxo
Merry Christmas to all my friends here! Enjoy making new traditions! May all your pies turn out to be delicious!