Jumping right into this one, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm making a bunch of mistakes...
Last Wednesday, S5 had a baseball game (my night, my town, etc) and we were going into my weekend. After the game, S5 & S2 really like going for pizza and then to a new gelato place in town. S5 asked his mom if she'd come with us. S2 overheard and started essentially begging his mom to come with us. She said no. She said she was too busy to go and her excuse was that she had a communion party to go to on Saturday....yes four days from then. The excuse doesn't even make sense, it was for a kid of one of her friends. S2 got really upset and started crying. XW picked him up and walked him to the car as S5 started in on the invite again. Again, she said no, "too busy". I said, "Why don't you come get a slice with us, it'll take 20 minutes, you won't see the kids again until Tuesday." Again, no.
Fast forward to today, Sunday on my weekend. She hasn't seen the kids now for days and asks about getting together for breakfast. I couldn't do breakfast bc I took the kids to the zoo early but told her I was cooking at home tonight and she was more than welcome to come have dinner with us. She responded that she would be bringing her own dinner for herself and not be staying long (yes, you read that right) She didn't offer to bring anything for the boys, nothing. She got here 20 minutes late and didn't have anything with her. She sat at our dinner table and watched us eat. The boys asked her why she wasn't eating and she had the b***s to tell them, "Daddy only cooked for you guys, I'll eat my dinner tonight." I of course offered her a plate, as I cooked for about 10, she said no. The kids tried to get her to have a bit of theirs, she said no. Dinner took about 30 minutes. Afterwards the kids asked if they could play the Wii for a bit before bed, I said yes. She started to say goodbye and I was a bit confused. This is the same woman that blasts me every single chance she gets about how much she "loves her babies." I said, "Hey, the kids aren't going upstairs for showers for another 1/2 hour, you're more than welcome to stay and hang out with them."
Her reply, "I haven't even eaten dinner yet."
I didn't say anything and I guess that pissed her off bc she kissed them both on the head, didn't say anything, stormed out and let my screen door slam.
The kids didn't even look up, I'm not sure they even knew she left. That simultaneously comforts me and breaks my heart.
What the hell am I doing wrong here? I can't live like this.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Either your ex is feeling so guilty that she can't tolerate being around you and feeling that guilt, or the novelty of her new romance is wearing off and she's having uncomfortable feelings of regret when she's around you.
Either way, you behaved appropriately. I would probably stop inviting her to stay or eat with you but I understand you're just trying to ease things for the kids. Still, it could look like you're pursuing her.
My guess, given her poorly thought out answers, is that she doesn't have any idea why she's reacting the way she is, so resist the temptation to read her mind. Just keep being a great dad, keep building a great new life for yourself, and try to maintain some Buddhist compassion for your ex when you can.
Thanks KML, this phase is obviously new to me and I'm struggling. So when she asks about seeing the kids for breakfast or something like that on my days, I should say no in your opinion?
You arent' doing anything wrong. Her actions are sad, but there is nothing you can do to influence them one way or another.
Your best bet until she is in a place to act as an appropriate mother and adult is to keep your parenting time separate. Explain to them Mommy's nights and Daddy's nights. My daughter was an infant when we split, so I have gone thorugh all the stages. She is 8 now. We are at a place we can be civil and spend a night or 2 a year together for her sake. There was a time that it wasn't the best idea and we just had to explain it to her.
In my opinion, if she is acting this way, I would probably say no on seeing the kids for breakfast. That's just what I would do. If I had nothing planned, I might tell her she could take them for breakfast without you. She does not properly know how to act with you around, clearly. Until she figures that out, you might be better off doing things separately.
You are doing just fine, there is no book on this stuff, and it sure is hard. You are doing great.
She is being horrid. You did everything right. Like what the others have said, she is probably feeling very confused. When they are confused and unhappy, they take it out on us.
Based on your description, it doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong at all. Sounds like she feels bad/guilty/angry...whatever...and is acting in that manner. I may see things from a little bit of a different perspective since my children were adults when I went through my D, but she seems to be acting kind of childish. How terribly unfortunate for you and the kids.
I see my future in your previous post MVG, and it does not look pretty... Would you say that your WW is still deep in the fog?
I'm not sure how I feel about the "fog." My XW is making major life decisions that to me, are way beyond a causal affair. Her family and OM family are essentially one new family at this point, so there would have to be enough "fog" for 10-20 adults.
Just found out today that my XW and OM have bought a house. My kids will be there 50% of the time. I'm having a bad day....
(((Mvg)))
I am so sorry to hear that.
Is there anything fun you can do to take your mind off this?
I'm scared today.
Both of my sons have established their schooling in my town and now that XW and OM have purchased a home (along with his two girls) I'm convinced that it's only a matter of time before she tries to get them out of the school in my town (one of the top 3 in the state, top 20 in the country) and into hers so that "they can go to school with their new 'sisters' and live as a family."
Scared out of my mind. I'm being phased out
MVG - Don't be scared. Did you have an attorney who handles your divorce? Check with him/her about these latest developments. You have 50/50 custody correct? And your kids have already established in your school district? In general, absent any other considerations, its very common to courts to look favorably on stability. Chin up. You have just as much say in this as your XW. Don't forget that.
Not in my state I don't. It's a "no fault" state with a history of favoring the mother.
1) Yes I had an attorney
2) Yes I have 50/50
I know, I'm just really having a bad day. I am so scared of losing my kids. She's already talking about his girls as "sisters"
I'm already established here with S5 as a baseball coach, asst. den leader for scouts, etc....my boys have roots here.
what sort of custody arrangement does OM have?
Not sure, but I have a feeling XW organized ours to line up with his...she just requested that we redo it so the summer started on her week, not mine
So MVG - I get the fear - I really do. I live in a 50/50 no-fault state - and while I have have my daughters a majority of the time (which is what XH wanted), every time he hints at a job change or some other move, I feel that fear it's a prelude to change in custody. So - I've felt the fear.
You have a 50/50 agreement and a signed divorce agreement. The fact that your XW has purchased a house and now has potential step siblings that probably will live with them do not seem like compelling reasons to change a custody agreement - your attorney can give you a better idea about the family court judges in your area.
You are doing the right things, establishing yourself as Den Leader, asst. coach etc. Look for opportunities to volunteer at their school as well - get to know their teachers etc.
Your XW may very well try to set up OM's daughters as their "sisters". That's not the worst thing in the world, MVG. And new "sisters" do not equate to a new "dad".
I hear you mvg. Divorce laws are insane. It's so common for an XW to break their vows and destroy a family, pack the kids up in the car, move them into a house with another man, limit the father's access to the point that it's a shell of a relationship, then demand that the LBH has to work double time for many years to support both households to offset 'burden' of raising the kids more of the time. You are right to be scared. It's a twisted world.
And it's infuriating. I remember how angry I was in preparation of the social services interviews that would determine our parental time. It still blows my mind. XW pulls the plug and not only is my ability to live full time with my kids unilaterally destroyed immediately, I then have to charm a cobra to get to 50%.
When Raliced is giving advice on how to play the game to work your way into the school it just galls me. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, it just doesn't seem right you shouldn't have to jump through hoops to live with your children. I don't volunteer at my kids' schools, I don't know their teachers names. Of course I'd lose in a PTA popularity contest against XW, she's chumming it up with other single moms over starbucks coffee exchanging victim single mom stories, meanwhile I am supporting two households working a full time corporate sales job while also doing everything XW used to do in terms of running my home, cooking for kids, laundry, bills, car tabs, grocery shopping, while XW still hasn't gotten a job.
I can only say two positive things.
First of all, it worked out for me. I have 50/50. It's been going on 3 weeks now. It is life changing. Anyone that hasn't lived through years of watching kids grow up through the lens of every other weekend based on someone else's decision might struggle to understand my distaste for our US family law and our divorce culture. But in the end the call was made and now I've got my kids. While it's not living with them with a wife and their mother, at least I am their dad. There is no doubt about it. And while I don't know their teachers, I know my kids. They are eating healthy food, at the kitchen table, playing chess, reading books on their own now, and our charades and pictionary battles are legendary. While I am still anxious, overwhelmed, and battling depression with the financial strain put on me by this injustice of this financial settlement, somehow I will get through. I have my kids.
And finally, let me make the point that prompted me to respond (I tried to validate and got myself worked up a bit
). No matter what happens you will be able to look in the mirror and know you did right. MVG, there are many injustices in this world. There are people that serve sentences for crimes they didn't commit. There are people who lose family to a texting driver. There are people who live in countries where laws and conditions make loss a common experience. Bottom line, the world isn't fair, and it's pretty brutal. But you're not a victim. You're just human, and suffering is what's on the menu while you walk the planet. In the end even if XW didn't leave you, you would encounter loss in some way at some point. There is no avoiding the suffering. All you can do is play your cards in the way you believe best, and take some comfort in the decisions you've made. In the grand scheme of things what's happening to me or you is pretty trivial, we can deal with it for a few decades until death takes us as long as we have our character.
I know when I have to take a cosmic view of things to cope that they're pretty awful, so I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But be strong and you'll get through. Play the game for your kids. Let them grow up with a warped view of normal because you don't have a choice. Breathe deeply, and make sure that when they look at your conduct and morals they learn something that might help them not be selfish entitled destructive dip$hits.
That is all.
When Raliced is giving advice on how to play the game to work your way into the school it just galls me. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, it just doesn't seem right you shouldn't have to jump through hoops to live with your children. I don't volunteer at my kids' schools, I don't know their teachers names. Of course I'd lose in a PTA popularity contest against XW, she's chumming it up with other single moms over starbucks coffee exchanging victim single mom stories, meanwhile I am supporting two households working a full time corporate sales job while also doing everything XW used to do in terms of running my home, cooking for kids, laundry, bills, car tabs, grocery shopping, while XW still hasn't gotten a job.
Zues- quite frankly - this is the type of comment that has caused me to limit my time on these boards, and in particular avoid any threads that you visit - given their frequently misogynistic tone.
I'm not advising anyone to "play a game". MVG says that he is feeling frightened - and I am merely suggesting that instead of feeling like a victim , that he get out there and do some tangible things that will probably not only make him feel better but potentially help his situation.
And I'm not sure how getting to know your kid's teachers is ever a bad idea, divorce or not.
MVG- While, I don't know the particulars of your state/location, I maintain, having read your threads, that there is a great deal of positive in your situation in regards to maintaining 50/50. I repeat - keep your chin up and focus on doing things that help your case. Good luck.
First of all, dad can never be phased out. My biggest most awful fear when my ex left me for OW and married her was me being phased out as mom. My daughter was a baby, not even a year. it was just me and her, then the 3 of them. I thought she would grow up thinking that OW was her mom.
No way, man. We don't have 50/50, I get majority, but either way, my daughter has always known who mom was and always will be. There is no phasing a loving parent out. So try to shake that thought the best you can.
Now, you are absolutely speculating that this is your W's plan. Did she say as much? I do not think there is any reason for your to lose 50/50. Especially given all you do for them already and their involvement in their lives. You say the courts favor the mom. But the courts actually favor the kids. Especially when you have established so much. Gaining it in the first place might be difficult, but you've got it, and I don't think losing it will be so easy.
Hand in there
Ginger,
You're the mom, you will never ever be phased out. You have much more legal protection than a father.
I don't see myself ever losing 50/50, but what I do anticipate her doing is trying to move the kids from their current school district where I live, to that of her new house with OM.
I pray that you're right, the courts favoring the kids.
Hanging in the for sure...it's hard as hell.
Raliced,
I'm friends with most of the parents in S5 class (I went to school myself with most of them as we're in the town I grew up in) The teachers all know me by first name and I've been an active member of the town for almost 30 years...that much I have. My friend who is an attorney in my state constantly reminds me that here, the courts favor the mom...regardless of the affair. My lawyer told me that my XW could have "had sex with OM in my bed, in front of me with a smile on her face" and the courts would still favor her. So yea.....
Zues,
You are absolutely right. I sleep very well at night knowing that I am making the right choices. My moral compass hasn't budged and i don't ever see it doing so. My kids are polite, kind and respectful. They need at least one parent to instill those values.
Thanks all.
I'm mom and you feel courts favor moms (I still believe they favor the kids, not the moms) but I wasn't speaking from a legal POV.
Let's just say, worst case scenario.....
You keep 50/50, but the kids do move to the other school district. Completely hypothetical.
How does this phase you out as dad?
I imagine you would become active in that school system as well, be a coach, get to know the parents, take kids to Bday parties......
Would it be a fair move by the courts to move the kids out of their school system, absolutely not.
But it shouldn't change who you are as a dad
The only way I can try and explain it is that XW didn't want a boyfriend, she wanted (wants) a new family. I'm not part of that picture obviously.
OM has two girls that my boys sometimes already call their sisters. Just this morning while watching a TV show, S5 identified the characters aloud as himself, his brother, his "sisters", mom and OM.
S5 tells me what XW says, what X-inlaws say to him and I'm not even mentioned.
S5 was born 10 weeks early and I was by his side in the hospital the entire time. S5 asked me recently if I was there or if OM was there, he "wasn't sure"
S5 tells me about all of the things XW and OM used to do as kids...because Xinlaws have told him. Xinlaws are best friends with OM parents so this is a blessing to all of them.
XW was giving my boys Christmas presents from OM and his FAMILY just weeks after bomb drop.
XW has taken S5 away from school events to attend OM daughter's events.
I think you get the idea....
Hi Mvg, I'm sorry to read all of that and I can see your pain in your posts. The big thing that I would say is - no-one else is father to your kids - only you are and nothing changes that whatsoever. Divorce doesn't change that, having a new guy on the scene doesn't - it is absolute. And kids just want to spend time with their Dad and have a good R with him.
That's the part you do get to control - how close your R with them is. What you do with them, how you do it, how you are there for them. All of that is the stuff that really matters. The parts you don't get to control are how your XW parents them when they are with her, what the X-in laws say and how OM interacts with them.
I would encourage you to focus on the parts you do get to control and if you can work towards shrugging off some of the best (not easy I know, but possible) that would be best I think. Ultimately OM is 'current boyfriend' - who knows how long he may last - months, years or whatever. However, we only get one Dad...and to them, you are he.
Hope this helps a little and do take care
x
(((Mvg)))
I feel your pain and your fear. Kid has never met the turd party and God (and me) forbid that she should ever be introduced to the turd and her kids.
But once, kid asked me how I would feel if the turd is good to her and she likes the turd. Let me tell you, that was one of the terrible moments when I had this all -consuming urge to smash the turd's windscreen to bits and expose her in our profession for the manipulative tramp that she is.
I didn't look too happy but I told the kid that I couldn't tell kid how she should feel. And if the turd is good to kid, at least she's not being nasty to kid.
It svcks. It really does. On your behalf, I hate the OM, your xw, your xils, for their selfish and self- serving ways.
But like what Sotto says, what happens with the xw and om is not within your control. You will always be your children's father and you can start building new and memorable traditions and routines with him.