New theme! I've been working super hard at 'me' over the last several weeks. In some ways I feel much better but I'm VERY frustrated in others.
Finding my balancing point seems to be my theme this week.
Working hard at losing weight and getting healthier. Concentrating on me for a change instead of living every day to take care of others. They are not invalids and can care for themselves! Story of my life.
I'm frustrated because I have worked my butt off for weeks and haven't lost even 1 pound. I feel better overall but that is making me crazy. Considering my weight, it should just fall off a few pounds at a time for the first month or so but no, nothing. UGH!
Have you checked out Ellie's suggestions? You already saw that anti histamines can play a part. Maybe part of it too is just getting that metabolism going in full gear again.
I used to think, don't eat if you aren't hungry. Wrong! It started the slow down of my metabolism. So now I do notice myself getting hungry earlier in the day. I snack on carrots and occasionally string cheese. It seems by eating a tad more frequently with smaller portions, I am getting my furnace warmed up a bit more.
Don't fret, it will start to kick in.
kat
Hey mish!
Hope you are ok, you sound more determined to take care of you.
One thing I learnt over the last 2 years that I gained weight (I quit smoking) is that you have to be persistent. It wont work otherwise. But it does so much for our confidence and health it is worth trying.
xx
K
Hmm, sorry to post this here but I just found out Coach passed away? I had no idea. So sad..
K
It was incredibly sad. He wasn't even 49. On the alt I posted his obituary. He and his wife were/are incredible people .
kat
Added lap swimming to my workouts this week. I LOVE it. I hadn't had the opportunity before so now that I added the other gyms to my membership it is. I've been doing water aerobics for about a month of so already but the lap swimming is super hard work. I love it though because it doesn't hurt my knees like everything else does. I did realize though that I need different swim gear. My bathing suits really aren't conducive to exercise swimming. They are more beach wear. So, more money to shell out but it will be worth it in the end.
Marc is doing well in school so far. I think his girlfriend is begin a good influence on him. She already graduated and she's always checking in on him to make sure he's doing his homework. LOL Love it! I'm liking this girl.
Gabe has been working at applying for other jobs again but still nothing. They seem very positive in the interviews and then nothing. It's so frustrating.
Well done, lap swimming is great exercise. I also find it good for the soul as I always take any troubles I have out on the pool. All this exercise is so positive, even if it is not showing on the scales (don't forget you will be building up muscle which may have something to do with it) it will be doing you the power of good.
Excellent news on Marc too, you must be so pleased.
ICK! Ended up in a bit of a down mood this morning when I realized next Wednesday would have been our 20th anniversary. How dumb is that?
Dang girl! Let it go already!!!! Gees!
Still having a hard time with the upcoming anniversary date. I think it's just hitting me especially hard this year because it would have been such a monumental number of years. Hurts my heart to think of it.
What strategies would you suggest for putting it out of my head? Stop signs don't seem to be working this time.
Hi There,
I don’t think this will help but I can tell you of my experience.
Friday September 13th would have been my 16th anniversary, it hit me like a train about 3 days before, It caught me quite un awares. Anyway I found a quiet place and bawled my eyes out (not good to see a grown man cry) but I got it out of my system.
On the actual day I was distracted as I was expecting the decree nisi (notification to end marriage) to be issued, so Start marriage on the 13th end on the 13th .
However the notification never arrived so I just got on with the day as normal as I could under the circumstances. Sorry I have no magic answer but I do hope you make it through the day.
Regards
Lanzo
Have you talked to Gabe about it? You both are in such a unique position in that you are together just not remarried. You need to figure out what you want hon. Do you want to be remarried or just maintain the status que?
Decide and move on from there. This has been a big issue for you for a long time and no progress has been made. If you want to be married ask him. You will have your answer.
kat
I know you are all right. If I would just talk about it there most likely wouldn't be this weight on me. Gabe doesn't talk. Ever. You all know I shut down completely when I'm upset or depressed but I'm working on that slowly.......very slowly.......
I shouldn't be so afraid of reactions. What is he going to do? Leave? Been there, done that. If I don't share my feelings then I deserve what I get, right?
Just a feeling of dread, that's all. There is no reason to put this much importance on a stupid date that counts for nothing anymore. ARGH!
Do I want a new date to celebrate? Celebrate what? That's the question. Survival?
I've been telling myself that I don't really care if we get remarried or not but the more I think on it and live like this the more I realize that just isn't true. It's not who I am. Marriage is THE commitment. Without it there is such an easy out. Of course, as we all know, it's always an easy out no matter what. Oh pooh! I don't know where I'm going with this. You see the problem, right? My thoughts go in circles. BLAH!
Round and round and round we go.....LOL
Do you feel like a couple or roomies with benefits? What are you wanting Mish?
kat
I don't know. I feel like a couple. We do as much together as we can with our schedules. We talk about everything....except our relationship. Like I said before, I asked one time where he saw our relationship going, he asked why it had to be going anywhere, and that was the end of that. I haven't ever asked again. Too scared after all this time to hear the same answer.
How do I ask for something from him when I don't know the answer to what I really want in the first place? That's not fair at all.
How do I ask for something from him when I don't know the answer to what I really want in the first place? That's not fair at all.
Huh? You're crying for ages because you don't feel you have a permanent, committed relationship living outside of marriage and now you say this? C'mon, you know what you want and you're scared to put that forward in case he doesn't see it that way again. But hey, it's a discussion about your relationship,it's not an ultimatum on your part. You have the right to say you would feel more secure and happier in the relationship if you were married. It's a process and if you don't introduce the discussion that process never begins. Tell him how you feel, let him process it. Who knows where it will go...but you don't have to enter the discussion like road kill waiting to happen. You can do this!
Just ask him to marry you for crying out loud. Don't let him dictate everything. You can take charge. Go for it!
I made it through the anniversary. I was pretty down but thought I was keeping my smile in place. I'm apparently not as good as I thought I was. Gabe noticed when I came home from work to change and go to the gym. He wouldn't let me leave until I told him what was wrong. I tried to pass it off as my personal problem and he didn't need to worry about it. No go. He leaned on the open car window until I told him.
He was shocked. He had no idea what the date was but he was upset that I was sad. I told him it was 20 years and he was surprised.
Honestly, I felt bad that I had let my guard down. It wasn't anything he needed to hear about. The date isn't important anymore and why my stupid heart can't let go of it, I just don't know.
When I came home from the gym he had bought me flowers and a car and wrote something beautiful in it. My heart shut the heck up.
Awwww, he loves you! I hope you feel safer to share your feelings with him in the future. I'm so happy he did that
That's wonderful Mish.
Notice: people can love us until we let them.
If you seek not to be selfish, then let Gabe continue to have opportunities to be a loving partner and a genuine contributor to the relationship.
Shutting down and hiding cheats both of you.
When I came home from the gym he had bought me flowers and a car and wrote something beautiful in it. My heart shut the heck up.
He bought you flowers and a car?! I love typos lol.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with having a feeling and sharing it. That doesn't make you anything less. Honesty is important in a relationship, is it not? (That's what women's dating profiles keep telling me anyway lol). Stop putting yourself down because you feel something. You shared it and he stepped up. Fantastic! Grow with it
Ha ha - he bought you a "card" I assume - not a car (although that would be cool). Ya know - this restored my faith in Gabe. I do not know him - but I do understand how important the date is to you. And so does he. And I am GLAD you let your guard down. And he did a good thing.
I really hope you guys can communicate and this helps him understand a bit more.
I think about this and I totally get where you are coming from. I'm glad you posted this.
Barb
LOL! A car definitely would have been cool but, alas, it was a card.
Very sweet. He told me in the card that he is sorry for the bad times in the past but hopes to make good memories for us in the next 20.
Apparently he is planning on sticking around for the next 20! Even if he doesn't, at least it isn't a pre-planned exit. That is reassuring.
The plantar problem in my left foot is finally easing up so I'm hoping I can ramp up my cardio a little more. Loving the swimming though. Great exercise and I don't get sweaty. LOL I don't love to sweat even though I like to work hard. Go figure.
Mish: that car speaks volumes. I'm pretty sure he does plan to stick around. As you say - a departure is not planned but remember - there are no guarantees in life. That applies to everyone.
Be happy. Don't spend your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm glad your foot is better
Barb
Mish, you were quitting smoking a while ago. How's that going?
It's not.
I made it 6 weeks and fell off the wagon. I'll get back to it but not right now. Too many other things I'm working on. I'm afraid if I add one more I might explode!
Wow, six weeks is huge! How'd you go that long? What was workin' for you? One step at a time. You'll do it eventually! I did.
I absolutely know I can do it!
What was working for me then? I honestly don't know. Sheer willpower I guess. I ran out of steam when I knew I was going to be in the car for a very long ride and I broke.
I'll find a way through this. I just know I will!
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement Wii!
Just venting! According to a calculator for the 'affordable care act', based on my income, my out of pocket cost for the minimum required coverage (which is basically catastrophic coverage only with a massive deductible and no real primary care)is nearly $400 a month. I don't make enough to even cover my day to day expenses and now they are telling me I have to pay $400 out of my pocket every month for coverage that is no coverage at all or pay fines to the government for not having it. It's less expensive to pay the fine than to pay for the miserable coverage. This is beyond stupid!
It makes that first heart attack a return on investment rather than a health issue...it's all perspective, Mish!
Is that for the 3 of you or just you? Isn't there also some kind of credit based on your income? I know it would vary quite a bit based on where you live in the country. You live in an expensive area. There isn't anyway to move to a more affordable area or are you needing to wait until Marc graduates?
I think we both need better paying jobs. I know I wouldn't pay enough to get a credit but I think you would. I am already covered through work. I might get on the site just to compare but I heard it was pretty well used today.
kat
Mish,
I'm a small business owner, and I can tell you that even a high deductible plan for an individual nonsmoker is more than $500 per month on a company plan. That means you pay all the fees at 100% until you hit the annual $3500 deductible - catastrophic coverage. What my company pays for a family is more than my monthly rent. I can no longer offer insurance to my employees, so I have to boost their pay to help them a bit.
And just remember, that your taxes are paying for all the uninsured. You're paying it anyway. It's just not getting itemized on your tax bill so that you can see how much of the general fund has to pay per year.
Uh, and my gall bladder surgery a few years ago exceeded $18K.
It's really a tough situation.
Once I dropped the company premium, I went out on my own and saved $150/month through Anthem. They do offer individual policies (may be Blue Cross in your state).
Good luck-
Betsey
That is me and Marc. I'm waiting a little while to see how this goes. I honestly can't afford a single extra dollar right now and I can't move until Marc graduates. Trust me though, it's in the works. After he's done I'm moving to the next county over. 10 miles equals about $300 a month savings in rent alone. Kat, you never said a more true statement than that - WE NEED BETTER PAYING JOBS!
Betsey, I hear ya. My company offers insurance, but just to cover me on the plan is over $700 a month with a super high deductible. No go. That's why I haven't had coverage in the last 6 years. I know what will happen if I have a serious medical issue and it gives me night terrors. UGH.
Like I said, just venting because it boggles my mind!
My poor little pea sized brain just can't handle it all!
Mish,
If you can move and save that much money, why not drive Marc 10 miles to school? My guess is they'd let him finish his senior year.
Mish,
Believe me, my heart goes out to you. My sister and I were just talking about this issue. It's a nobrainer when you have to choose between food and health insurance.
I'll send you lucky thoughts and prayers that you don't have anything happen. I truly, TRULY know what it means to be terrified of stuff like this.
OT, she's probably in a sitch like mine - you can't enroll someone in another county school and live in another. And I bet Marc is in the better of the 2 right now?
With D16 in special ed, I'm in the lovely position of not even being allowed to enroll her in a school outside of the school's physical boundaries.
Mish, I'm taking roommates with D19 being gone.
Betsey
LOL! If you weren't so far away Betsey I'd take you up on it!
OT, Betsey is exactly right. I can't move to the next county and drive him the 10 miles to school and keep him in the HS he's in. I live in the top school district in GA, on purpose, to make sure Marc gets the best education he can and the ASD support he has to have. I only have to make it until next May/June. I'll make it until then. Scraping by, but I'll make it.
Betsey, in our county's Autism Triad program we are able to live anywhere in the county and be in the program but we have to take them to school ourselves. No bus service. Thankfully, I live in the immediate boundaries for the school so he gets bus pick up.
Mish,
Good for you and your son! We have some autism programs in our district that operate the same way. My D16 isn't part of the spectrum - she has Angelman Syndrome - so she stays in her home school.
Like you, we specifically moved from our old house in another county into our neighborhood within this district because it IS the best all around - for my typical kid and especially my special needs one. They have very little room for open enrollment, even within the district - and that's for typical kids. I know of exceptions for special needs, but that has only happened in other schools and not ours. There are NO exceptions in mine. When my house was for sale last fall, I begged and pleaded for an exception in case I couldn't find a house within the boundaries (with supply being so limited then). I got a written reply: NO.
I have teacher friends within the district that had a tough time getting their kids into the system. Our HS has almost 4000 kids, and in a suburban area, that's pretty big. Heck, it's bigger than my college was.
Mish, our district allows you to stay the rest of the school year once the move has occurred, as long as you were in the residence in the boundaries the day school started. Not sure if that works for you? Like yours, we only get bus service to/from houses and day facilities that are within the physical school boundaries. Otherwise, you drive and pick up. Once she started HS, and the start time is 7:10 here, we knew that the bus would pick her up at 6:30. We think that is too long a day for her, as we pick her up from her after school program at 5. That's hard enough.
Good luck, Sweetie!
Betsey
Thanks Betsey! I did check on the move but they said I had to at least remain in the county throughout the school year or he would have to transfer out of county so....no go. No point in moving within the same county, even if I could find a less expensive place I wouldn't want to stay there very long. The less expensive places are that way for a reason! LOL
The anxiety is not going to overtake me! I WILL NOT LET IT!
There, I said it so I will make it so!
Gabe is leaving tomorrow for CA for his goddaughter's wedding. He has a feeling that while he is there his godson may get married as well as he will be home from Japan (he's a Navy SeeBee) for his sister's wedding and his fiance will be there too. We shall see. It always makes me a nervous wreck when he's gone but I'm not going to let it get to me so much this time.
Can you all make sure I stick to my word?
I know you know this, Mish but he can be unfaithful whether he's at your side or out of town! So, that useless thing said lol, what has helped you get through this type of anxiety in the past? What things can you do for you while he's away? When I go out with my camera I can spend hours thinking about nothing but what I'm going to shoot. What does that for you...besides the Packers ('cuz I know it isn't the Falcons lol).
Mish, The thing I don't want to get caught up in is doing this just to support others. I feel selfish saying that but much of my life already is helping others. My job, my family, then there was SDA Lady. As my Mom says "it's time for you to take care of you for a change". So, we'll see tonight. I have a small group I attend on Friday's too with some great people. I don't want to start filling my nights with a ton of activity like I used to do. When I first separated I was gonna be the Million Dollar Divorced Man who could do anything, I was gonna have a life without AD's! I'd watched some of my friends emotionally crumble and that wasn't gonna be me! So I ran myself into the ground with activity and ended up with adrenal fatigue. So, after SDA Lady and all that stress, I'm trying to balance my life. So, we shall see whether Divorce Care is something I want and feel is useful for ME too. If I help someone along the way, all the better
Thx for your comments on my pics. I greatly enjoy the excitement of taking them and sharing them.
oops,the above was meant for my thread! You can read it twice then lol.
LOL! Definitely not the Falcons. They are managing to blow leads in the last 2 minutes of virtually every darned game! It's so frustrating! The Pack hasn't been faring much better until they routed the Lions on Sunday. They've lost Clay Matthews for at least 4 weeks with a broken thumb so I'm losing hope really fast but I'll still cheer for the Green and Gold!
I'm not sure there is much that occupies my mind enough to keep me distracted. I don't really have any hobbies like that anymore. Hobbies tend to cost money (or at least the cost of gas) that I don't have so I refrain. I like to read though and that keeps me from thinking of anything other than what I'm reading. I'm sure I will escape into a couple of books while he's gone.
Yes, indeed, he can be unfaithful wherever he is. I have that anxiety at home nearly constantly too but it grown by leaps and bounds when he is out of my sight for more than a day. A week may darn near kill me. Oh where or where is the Ambien when I need it most?
What have I done in the past? Fretted, become an insomniac, alternate between not eating and eating everything in sight....yeah, I'm a real champ and controlling myself...NOT!
OK, here's your assignment for this time on your own. Take your camera and photograh things that mean something to Mish. Maybe it's a sunset, maybe an oreo cookie, maybe a favourite tree...a football...whatever floats your boat. The sky is the limit! It'll be an album of who Mish is. Download them and arrange them just the way you want. It costs $0 too. Have fun celebrating YOU!
Can you knit?? If not I challenge you to learn in a week and post the evidence on FB. There are loads of distractions.
There is no point in this kind of anticipation. The only person it hurts is you.
(((Mishka)))
LOL, Mish, you kinda sound like me. I know that I have a mild anxiety disorder and I've been dealing with it for the past few years...
My best escape is my Kindle. I'm addicted to it. And before I bought the damn thing, I was a reading addict. I have some favorite used book stores, used to go to yard sales and of course to the library (and library sales). I am not the scholarly type - though I do read some good stuff, I like trashy novels. They're a complete escape and it helps me manage my anxiety.
Oh yeah, and I also play solitaire and do my Sudoku.
Now that I have a temporary 2nd gig at night (doing the bookkeeping for my work neighbor), I have a feeling I'll be doing that instead. Plus it pays.
My mom does puzzles. I love them too, but I keep forgetting to do them LOL.
Good luck!
Betsey
Very interesting ideas there guys.
Wii, I have a camera. Not a great one but a camera none the less. I'm a terrible photog but it may be a good distraction. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous and the airshow is in town this weekend so Marc will be gone the whole weekend too (just home at night).
Julia, I don't knit but I do some crochet. I don't have any yarn though but maybe I can scare some up and make an attempt. Several years ago I crocheted candle covers from thread yarn and pearls. They were very pretty even if they are useless. LOL. They kept the dust off the decorative candles.
Betsey, I'm the same kind of reader you are! I try to be oh so serious about reading but I prefer the trashy novels too. I can completely focus on the story and imagine myself there, in another world where none of my own problems exist. It's so nice! I did just finish reading Pride and Prejudice for the 8th or 9th time though. I'm sure Jane Austen wouldn't appreciate being lumped in with trashy novels but, in her day, it was!
I have Wuthering Heights on my Kindle. Maybe I need to start re-reading that one. Another favorite that isn't quite so much of the bodice ripping, throbbing manhood variety. LOL
I'm sure wii just spit Pepsi Max all over his screen!
I would never lose a sip of Pepsi Max!
Hey, take some photos of the air show and post them...I've got some photos in a FB album of a tank museum
There was an article in the business section of our local newspaper about Rainbow Loom. It was a mom and pop operation that began in a guy's basement! It's all the rage now.
Well, I've made it through the week. Didn't pick up any new hobbies but I did manage to get a little of my house cleaned last weekend without interruption, caught up on some reading, and just enjoyed the quiet.
Gabe comes home tonight and he's been very lovey dovey in texts and phone calls. Lots of ILY which is TOTALLY RARE! He doesn't say that more than maybe 2-3 times per year. This is unprecedented. I could be a cynic and say he's compensating for a guilty conscience but I'm going to try to be positive and just say that he missed me. Yeah, I'll go with that!
Mish, it is quite possible you know that he does love you. Have faith.
kat
Life has settled back into routine. The ILY's have stopped but I'm keeping the faith....or trying to at least.
Marc is blowing off school and it's making us crazy! He just won't do the simple work that is required of him. His autism coordinator and I came up with a plan...we'll see if it works. She's going to pull him out of team sports and make him come to her room to do make up work until he gets caught up.
I will admit, I've been in a bit of a depressive mood lately and because of that I haven't been going to the gym. NOT GOOD! I know the gym improves my mood even though I'm miserable while I'm there but my depression is keeping from going. Working on it.
Are you telling him that you love him? It's a two way street. You are building this relationship too. What does he need from you? Food for thought.
kat
Oh, I definitely say it. Sometimes I get one back, most of the time his response is, "Why?". I'm not sure if he's fishing for compliments or if he genuinely doesn't understand why. Depending on my mood I may give him a specific reason and if I'm feeling particularly snarky that day my response is, "Heck if I know!"...followed by a laugh and a big smile so he knows I'm kidding.
What does he need from me? I don't have a clue. I keep my eyes and ears open for statements from him of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Nothing. I have point blank asked him...nope. He doesn't need anything according to him...I call BS. I flat out told him that if he is ever feeling restless or unhappy in our R that he needs to come and talk to me before it festers into what it did before. He agreed but I've heard nothing from him about being unhappy.
I have set a deadline for myself for movement in our R. Next April. We take Marc on his cruise and my birthday is that month. If he hasn't made any kind of movement toward solidifying our R any further by then, I'm going to have to wind up my courage and sit him down for a long talk. UGH! I hate that. I'm not good at it and it always feels like I'm just talking and talking and he sits there and nods and agrees without any input. It makes me crazy! NO matter what we are talking about, this is how it ends up. I talk, he nods. No back and forth.
I'm flying to CA this Saturday to surprise my BFF. She just got a nursing job after passing her state exam. I'm so proud of her and she starts work (for the first time in 13 years) on 11NOV so I'm headed out there to surprise her for a few days. I'm so excited for her! She worked for so long to achieve that goal and she finally did it. I can't even begin to imagine working toward something for that long. I would have quit LONG before that.
Marc had a bit of an emotional breakdown at school yesterday. He had let so many feelings bottle up inside him for so many years and they came flooding out yesterday morning in, of all places, weight training! OMG! He said he managed to get to the coach's office before the floodgates opened but I feel so bad for him. He's a lot like his dad in that respect. He doesn't show his emotions, even in the worst of times. He just holds it in and lets it fester. He broke yesterday thinking about the deaths of my mom and aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle were like another set of grandparents for him. Couple that with the fact that his girlfriend is moving about 30 minutes from us and he's a total mess.
I will be back in the gym as soon as I get back from CA next Thursday. Until then....I'm slothing it!
So a couple of thoughts and questions come to mind and they are meant with the best of intentions and I'm in no way trying to criticize or hit you with a 2 X 4:
1. I personally don't think Gabe is happy with himself and until he can be happy with himself I don't think he can be happy with you or anyone for that matter, much less even consistently communicate that he loves you.
2. What are you getting out of this R if you are the one who is continually giving and not receiving? I've so been there and I know and understand how much it can hurt inside when you are professing your love for someone, both in actions and words, and it's not reciprocated or only occasionally. I am betting you cling on to every word he says trying to gleam the answer of what he wants so that he will want you. I know I did with my ex-wife. My radar was up 24/7 looking for "the answer" and there basically wasn't one, because she really was never (and still isn't) happy with herself and couldn't be happy with me. I stayed way too long in it thinking it would change for the better. Sure it can seem like you are handling it, but the toll it can take on your self-esteem and self worth can be more devastating than you recognize. I'm glad you've put a firm date on when you need to see a change.
3. Finally, how does Marc see your and Gabe's relationship? Does he look at this as a normal and healthy one? Something he will emulate later in life?
Mish - It seems like you've been doing this for a long, long time. You are a caring and giving person who deserves the same in a partner. I hope come April you are getting that from Gabe and if not then you start the journey to get it from somewhere else.
BA
Back from socal. Wonderful trip but I found it hard to come home this time. Not because I miss CA, I don't. Ugh. Nightmare place to me now. I do, however, have a much harder time leaving my friends. I have a couple of close friends here but it's just not like my friendship with Stephanie. It couldn't be. We have been so close since we were 14. There is no way to replicate that intimacy with people you've only known 12 years. Sigh. I cried when I left.....I NEVER CRY WHEN I LEAVE!
Gearing up for Thanksgiving in Pigeon Forge now. I hope it goes well. The other times we have done this we had a wonderful time. I just worry.
If you haven't had a bad time in the past there is no reason to project doom and gloom on to the occasion. You WILL have a wonderful time. You will tell Gabe that you missed him and love him. You can't control what he says back but you can give what you so desperately want back in return.
Teach him how to treat you. Teach him that this a new relationship, not a comfortable shoe. You have expectations, help him meet them.
Hugs, kat
Mish
Glad you had a great trip to SoCal. I can totally relate to the friend thing. While I have several friendships here in the area, combined they still pale in comparison to the friendship I have with my best friend who lives in Ohio. I have known him for more than 30 years now and he has been there for me during some of the roughest periods of my life. While we try to get together as often as possible, it never seems to be enough. I hope one day we live merely a few streets apart instead of entire States.
IMO - Enjoy your upcoming Thanksgiving! IMO - it's all about the attitude you have going into it. If you are excited about it being fun - then the chances are better that it will be!
BA
Oh, we will have fun for sure. I just know how stressful Thanksgiving away from home can be. The chalet is beautiful, sleeps all 30+ of us, and it's in the Smoky Mountains...how bad could it be right? Gabe isn't going. Just me and Marc. It's a bummer but he can't get off work since he has only worked there a month and was gone for 1 week of that to his goddaughter's wedding.
Very true - Thanksgiving seems to be one holiday that brings out the stress level in even the calmest of families! The chalet sounds great and how neat it is to be able to get together with so many family members! I hope you have a blast and sorry that Gabe isn't able to join you.
BA
Hey, Mish, your recent posts reminded me for some reason about a book I ran across around my divorce and thought "hey wish I'd seen that a couple years ago" but Michelle Weiner-Davis gave it a great review on Amazon, and it looks like it might be good, so maybe you could inter-library loan it or something but it's called: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Stosny. Anyway....just a thought...
karen
I have heard about that book. I should probably get it and see if I can apply any of the principles. It can't hurt, right?
It is certainly worth a shot. I do however believe that the best thing to learn how to do is to talk about what you need. What kind of relationship will you have if you are afraid of being open and honest? Is this how your relationship was like before the divorce? Weren't you able to discuss problems or concerns?
I hope you find the strength with in yourself to change. To create the life you want and deserve. Honestly dear, you deserve happiness but no one is going to hand it to you. You have to make this happen.
Hugs, kat
I do want happiness but I honestly have no idea how to achieve that.
No, we never talked through problems, concerns, feelings, nothing. Gabe runs if we have any kind of disagreement. Because of the reactions I got in the early days taught me not to rock the boat or face watching him run off. He was never gone more than a few hours at a time cooling off but when he came back home nothing was ever discussed. It was all swept away.
Dysfunctional much?
After Bryan cheated right after we were married,we didn't talk much about it. I still loved him, he promised not to hurt me again and I had fertility issues. So I went ahead and stayed. It was always in the back of my mind.
His whole thought was it was in the past get over it. I believe you have to learn from the past in order to not repeat the same mistakes over and over. Well he is repeating history in many ways. I am trying to do things better.
Mish, you have got to tear down those walls. You can create happiness in yourself and in your relationship. Write down some of what you do want and note what you don't. Don't talk yourself out if anything, just write it down for now. Please do this.
kat
I will definitely work on it.
Thank you!
I am SOOOO nervous! My baby boy (aka - Marc...yes, I know he's not a baby anymore!) is being picked up by his Navy recruiter from school today and taken to a hotel for an overnight before his military physical tomorrow. If he passes this physical they will have him take the oath of service and he will be in the delayed entry program. That will give him a slot in training shortly after he graduates so he wouldn't be on a waiting list.
I'm not nervous about him joining the Navy. I've been encouraging him for several years. I'm nervous about him passing the physical. They fail people for the tiniest little thing. Marc has 2 toenails on one slightly deformed toe. Goodness knows, that may be enough to fail him. Who knows? I'm a nervous wreck! If he doesn't pass this, he has NO backup plan.
Breathing deeply....trying to calm myself down.....NOT WORKING!
Nothing yet. His physical started at 5am today. It takes 6-8 hours. He is supposed to text me when it's done to let me know if he passed.
I'm a total wreck!
Sending good vibes that it will go well!! Let us know once you hear!
BA
He passed! All but one test......unfortunately that test, the depth perception test, disqualified him from the jobs he wanted.
He is still excited though.
His ship out date is 5AUG14.
Yea!!!! Glad that he passed!! There are lots of different types of jobs in the military so I'm sure he will be able to find something that interests him and that he can build a career on either in or eventually out of the service. One of the best things about the military is they give you a sense of self-discipline and lots and lots of training and experience that you can use to eventually transition back into the civilian sector. My decision to go into the Air Force back when I was in my early 20's was one of the best decisions of my life.
BA
Right now his MOS is Logistics Specialist....aka - supply clerk. NOT his interest but the best option at the time. It's not great but I think he will make the best of it.
His recruiter is working on it but no guarantees that he can place him in another MOS. We will see.
What is his interest? Also, let him know that just because he starts out as a Logistics Specialist doesn't necessarily mean he has to remain one for his entire career. In my experience, the services are somewhat flexible in allowing you to retrain into other fields provided of course there are openings. I started out in the Air Force as a clerk and ended up being a Management Analyst.
BA
Great point, BA.
Mish, my sister graduated from the USNA and went into the Supply Corps. After she completed that portion of her training in Athens, GA, she shipped out to a sub tender based in Scotland for 3 years. She had several enlisted folks on her staff that literally were her lifelines (payroll, supplies, etc.) She is out of the Navy and still keeps in touch with some of those folks who were in the trenches with her along the way.
I probably don't need to tell you that she got valuable training along the way. They paid for her MBA while she was stationed in San Diego and she's got an incredible network as well as really big and high paying jobs along the way. And it all started back in supply. (My D19's college has a fabulous program in Supply Chain management, which is a field that has a big need, pays well and great opportunities.) So you never know where you can go in the logistics field... they are literally the backbone of any business. Business is made, defined and broken there.
Good luck to Marc!
Thanks for the encouragement! This job just was not what he ever wanted. He likes to work with his hands. He wanted to be an aircraft mechanic of some kind. Either structural or engine but they said that because of his depth perception he couldn't do that. Of course, that makes zero sense to me but who am I to question? LOL Just a momma bear looking out for her cub.
I'm seriously excited for him. I have been looking through some more information about the job today and I really do think he could make it work for him and learn some invaluable information and skills.
We shall see....
I have been reading a site that is for navy mom's. It's very interesting and I'm so glad there seems to be this HUGE support system for families. Lots of info on prepping a future sailor before they head of to training.
I'm really nervous but also extremely excited for him! It was only about 6 years ago that I was scared out of my mind that Marc was going to live with me forever and never have a life of his own. Trust me, I work with a woman whose son is 32 and is not living on his own. He has the same issues Marc has but I think we have gotten Marc the right support and skills training to get him moving forward in life. Thank heavens!
Nothing else much going on here. I'm getting ready to head up to TN for Thanksgiving and that is taking all of my time. There is a LOT of planning to do to be ready to make 4 days worth of meals for 30+ people.
Great point, BA.
Mish, my sister graduated from the USNA and went into the Supply Corps. After she completed that portion of her training in Athens, GA, she shipped out to a sub tender based in Scotland for 3 years. She had several enlisted folks on her staff that literally were her lifelines (payroll, supplies, etc.) She is out of the Navy and still keeps in touch with some of those folks who were in the trenches with her along the way.
Underdog this is really a small world. The submarine I was on did all of our refit's out of Holy Loch Scotland, tied up to probably the very same tender your sister was on. I was there 1989-91 off and on.
Mish, the Navy is a wonderful place to learn a a skill, complete college and grow up a tad. I served six years and do not regret a moment of it. Make sure every promise said is in writing, never assume you'll get what the recruiter says will happen. Good luck...
Oh, you know it! His dad was a marine. He's got his back!
Marc has his first 'official' DEP meeting tonight at his recruiters office. He has to go the first and third Wednesdays of the month until he ships out. He is still so excited about what he is doing and I couldn't be any happier about it. To see him with a plan in place makes this momma super happy.
There are so many emotions running around my head right now.
The household is down to one working vehicle. Gabe's car has been broken down for several months with very expensive repairs needed so he has been driving the golf cart to work. Thankfully that is an option until now. Now, the batteries in the golf cart have finally given up. It needs a full new set - $600. That's less than the repairs on the car but more money than I've got access to. It got to me big time this morning and I had to go hide in the bathroom and just cry it out. UGH! I hate that!
As much as I hope that Thanksgiving will be fun, I have a bad feeling about it. Being in TN, up in the Smokies in a huge chalet with my family should be fun right? But.....I feel like a third wheel in their close knit families. They are my cousins but they are all from one portion of the family so they have closer ties. They work together, play together, etc. I seem to only get to spend time with them during holidays even though we all live within 2 miles of each other. It feels like I'm an obligation they have to invite because of the holiday. I'm just hoping to make the best of it.
Lastly, my heart is breaking a little bit because I'm realizing that this is going to be a season of lasts with Marc. Last birthday (he turns 19 on this Tuesday), last Thanksgiving, last Christmas, and New Year. I want to make it memorable for all of us but he's a boy and he could care less. It really stinks to be the only girl in the house. Heck, even the darned dog is a boy!
Sweetie, these won't be the last of anything! You are his Mom, he will always manage holidays here and there. I think you are more scared that it will be you and Gabe and you will need to work yourselves out.
Have you asked Gabe if he has an ideas for a solution to your car problems? This isn't all on you you know. Have you thought he could drop you off at work and then pick you up or vice versa. Has he looked for car parts at salvage yards, eBay etc? You guys are in this together, start inviting him in to find solutions. Has he started working on the car? Does he want to sell it for enough money to buy the batteries for the golfcart? There are options.
I doubt that your family thinks of you as a third wheel. Do you invite them to get together? Do you do things with them outside of holidays? Do you want to? Have them over for a movie night, potluck dinner, to play games. Put yourself out there, you might surprise yourself.
Hugs, kat
The car doesn't actually belong to Gabe, it belongs to a friend of ours who gave it to him to use. It ran beautifully for a while but then developed a leak in the fuel line and it's not in the rubber part, it's in some steel portion of the system that is going to take a professional to fix and that's assuming the part can be found. It's an 85 Jetta so not easy to find.
He's working on it but it becomes a huge issue for me with our work schedules. They don't mesh at all. Very messy. He was frustrated today after trying to work on it and came in all hot and bothered. The next statement was "every check I get we have to use for everything else so there is no way to fix it." Yes, he's right. It takes every last penny both of us make to pay the bills and get groceries. We don't go out, I am wearing clothes that are nearly falling apart (so are he and Marc). I need a new jacket but don't want to spend the money so I just layer several thin jackets and hope for no hard freeze. It won't be forever, just until we can get through the cruise next year. After that, the money I've been throwing at that every month will be freed up and maybe we can catch up on some things. It's the last chance I have to do anything fun with and for Marc. It's nonrefundable anyway so it's not like I could cancel it.
I left a key phrase out of that last post. I didn't mean it to sound like I thought it would be the last time ever we would spend these things together, it's just the last time for quite a while. The Navy is not known for being the easiest to get leave and I won't have the funds to bring him home. I'm sure it sounds really melodramatic but I've seen what happens, especially with boys. They don't come home, they have their own lives and their family gets left behind. I'm happy he will have a future, don't get me wrong. I'm so proud of him. I'm just sad for the loss. I realize more and more every day how much I'm going to miss him.
As far as my family, no, I don't invite them over. They are all super busy with their lives and my house is definitely not conducive to company. There is barely room enough for just the few of us plus it's a total disaster area. Not quite hoarders quality mess, but not a bastion of cleanliness either. I'm slowly working on it.
You are definitely right. When Marc is gone, I don't know what I'm going to do. It will be just me and Gabe and that is going to be very difficult. No buffer. That is a very sobering thought.
It will force you to make a decision for sure.
Is Gabe any good with the computer? There are several jobs on flexjobs.com. Yes it is a service where you have to pay to join but it was only 32 for the year. I am being pretty picky but have a couple of leads. There has to be something more that Gabe can do to bring I more money. Working part time isn't going to cut it. He needs to man up Mish.
Kat
He is actually working two jobs now. One part time and one full time. Its just not enough though to have any extra.
Computer?? Ummmm.......no. lol. Not his forte at all. I don't have any useful skills either though so I can't really complain.
How many batteries does a golf cart have? You can buy a used one for just about that amount! My hybrid battery in my car is about 700. The regular battery well that would probably be around the normal amount. Lol
There just has be some answer for your stuff that is coming up.
kat
I agree, there has to be an answer but danged if I can find it!
The golf cart take 6 batteries. Each one is about $65 plus it needs a full set of cables which run about $125. They usually only need batteries about every 6 years and it hasn't had new batteries since I got it about 8 years ago so it's WAY overdue.
Thanksgiving was very nice. I made an extreme effort to make sure that I was only doing what I wanted to do and not just going along for the ride to make someone else happy. That worked pretty well and kept me from feeling like a third wheel like I usually do on these family outings. YEAH ME! I can be taught!
Christmas is WAY too close to Thanksgiving this year but thankfully I'm not too stressed about it. We already decided that there will be no Christmas presents in our house. Just together time and that is really what is best.
My big family Christmas eve get together is another story but we did decide to change it up a little this year. We are going to draw names instead of buying or making gifts for each family or individuals. I usually bake or make candy for each family unit so just getting one gift from each of us to one individual will be a welcome change and a time saver for sure.
Everything else is just meandering along but that is ok too. I'm not in the mood to be making any big changes right now.
Glad you had a nice Thanksgiving Mish. I think it's fine that you've decided to opt out of Christmas presents. Afterall, Christmas is not about the presents anyway. Extra quality time with my children/family would be the best present ever - definitely beats any material items!
BA
Mish,
I'm getting down and dirty in my kitchen this weekend too. I'm making my grandfather's amazing apple butter and then baking to send gifts to my loved ones. I'm hoping they will understand (I know they will).
So just remember the season that has us performing all this craziness. It's about showing love and appreciation - not about the gifts themselves.
Hugs,
Betsey
Mish..
You are an amazing wonderful woman! Good job on making Thanksgiving work for you. I hope your holidays are marvelous.
*hugs*
Thanks Gypsy!!! Wow! I don't think I've seen you around in quite a while.
How are you doing?
Hey Mish..
I seem to peek in annually! I even started a topic under the same name.
The short version of my year is that my son was in a horrific accident and has had a miraculous recovery. It's amazing how traumatic memories are erased when coupled with fantastic improvement.
Huh.. I should apply that to the divorce remnants.. do great things and let the remaining bad feelings disappear!
*hugs*
Well there ya go! That's the best cure!
I took Marc for his senior pictures today.
I almost cried when I saw them, he's just so grown up.
It is hard isn't it? My youngest son graduates this year. I thank my lucky stars that I still have some time with my girls.
You have many reasons to be proud.
kat
A very happy Christmas Mish, hope you have a fun day!