divorce final sept. 1st.
I have Gen. Anxiety Disorder from the last 2.5 years of this horrible divorce. I know it is irrational. But I have become just so afraid of soon to be ex wife. I took my boys out to a friends cottage. Worried the night before that if I didn't sleep or boys didn't have a good time they would tell their mom and she would cause more issues with the divorce. I have spent $50k in attorney's fees. She could care less because I have to pay her attorney's fees as well. She has taken everything from me, even my soul I feel sometimes. Every day she is mad about something. It has taken it's toll on me. Every text is a jolt of anxiety for me. Even today she started in about splitting the tools in the garage. How much is enough?? Take, take, take. Her verbal jabs never used to get to me. Well they do now. I fear her. I fear letting my sons down. I fear letting my parents down. I fear letting the guy I coach football with down. I fear letting my boss down. I fear letting the people that work for me down...
I was a guy that never feared anyone or anything...This divorce has taken it's toll on me. I am in therapy and do take something for sleep. I just want the anxiety to end...I know it is temporary. But it has been over 5 months..
So sorry ((((((hugs))))))
I do think there's a certain PTSD that goes along with this stuff.
My divorce was much more cooperative but I still get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see an email from my ex.
Exercise, B vitamins, fish oil, MUSIC (the happy kind!), and the minute the divorce is over, limiting contact with the ex to as few emails as possible.
I can't wait for that. I have tried, believe me...But it has affected every aspect of my life. I have taken the high road so many times. I am just looking forward to being able to speak my mind. I agree with the PTSD theory. I was able to handle things for awhile after she moved out. Then I crashed...I do work out.
I do listen to "happy music"
I just want to stop living in fear from her. She has taken so much from me. Not just financially, but emotionally.
I think divorce is the worst thing I have ever gone through. It is worse if it is something that you don't want. However, it proceeds regardless. So best to cut ties as much as possible to protect yourself.
This may sound bad but it is how I learned to cope. My now ex was acting like an alien. I felt as if the person that I fell in love with, the one I married had died. I mourned the loss of him and our marriage. I spent the last three years post divorce putting my kids and myself back together. We still have our days but for the most part our lives are back on track.
I did go to a counselor for a year and speaking to others here helped a great deal. Sorry that you find yourself here but realize that it does get better with time.
kat
I've been through the same. All that I can say is that it does get better. Keep working out, doing things for yourself and your children. Reading will help as well (fiction). Get involved in sports or other hobbies. Do what is best for you.
Good to know the anxiety gets better. I tried AD before. I don't do well with the side effects..I will just have to learn how to deal with my anxiety.
But that is the thing is the control she has had over me during this divorce. The fear of responding in kind to her verbal attacks. Fear of her threats. I know the threats are empty now, but as you said, it is a learned behavior. I just want to be able to say what I am thinking for the first time in 3 years instead of taking the high road.
anyway, thanks for the encouragement...
d1,
I'm sorry anxiety is horrible to go through, I experienced it for a long while after my divorce. Anxiety is your stress reaction to the events and you need to deal with the physical symptoms before you can get down to the nitty gritty of dealing with your wife.
So there are some breathing exercises you can do but these only really work when you start to feel the anxiety. One is breathing in through your nose and out through your nose but imagining the breath running through your lungs in a circular movement. The other is singing. Singing not only distracts you but it also regularizes your breathing, so find a song that you can sing to yourself once you feel your anxiety starting. It is all about nipping the anxiety before it builds up to the big crescendo. There is a lot of cognitive behavioural exercises around this, and books you can read which give good techniques.
With regards to your wife. Whilst it would be really nice to respond and tell her exactly what you think, it sounds like she is trying to provoke a reaction and it would make her respond with more. Also not nice for your kids. I would journal your thoughts and reactions, get them out of your head. Keep a book where you can release this stuff and then when the time is right and it is done and you are happy destroy it. It will be very liberating. Really talk to your wife in it, tell her how you feel and how she is making you feel.
Secondly, you could get another phone, one for everyday messages and one for your wife. That way, you know when that phone goes the message is from your wife and you can choose when to read it and mentally prepare yourself, it gives you back some of the power, even if she doesn't know it.
Finally, this is *her* problem, it is not yours. You could not control the divorce, it happened but now it has you have an opportunity to live your life. Don't let her take that away. Be your own man, be a good dad, the only person you can ever let down is yourself and so far, it seems, in not responding you haven't done that. Well done.
Keep going, it does get better with a bit of practice, re-training of thoughts and time.
The last several years of my marriage I was on an AD. Dealing with the anxiety of being married and trying to make things work was nerve wracking. Ironically I was off the meds within about 5 months of separating. As stressful as divorce was, it was less stressful than being married to my ex. In the initial stages of the divorce when he called or when I was around him I did feel that anxiety again, but it was temporary. I think Gineen expressed it well when she said she realized what's the worst thing he could do, divorce her. He already was doing that so he had no control. Your ex has no control over you unless you give it to her. Don't give it to her! You call the shots for your life.
My ex first talked about divorcing about 3 years into our marriage. I lived with that threat for the next 17 years. That is a lot of power for one person to have. So eventually he exercised it and now we are divorced. And now he has no hold over me and I feel free. He has no threat to hold over me anymore. I control my own destiny. I can decide to talk to him or not as necessary. When he starts whining (which he does frequently about how the divorce wasn't fair, he doesn't agree with the financial part or the custody) I don't have to listen to it anymore. He wanted a divorce and he got it. His attorney wrote the final agreement and he signed it, so I don't have to discuss that with him anymore. It doesn't make me anxious or upset anymore, other than the fact that it is 4 years later and he is still boo-hooing over the same things and I am tired of hearing it! You don't have to listen to her anger. Keep the conversations limited to information regarding the kids. If she wants half the tools you pick which ones to give her, set them aside, and tell her when she can come pick them up. Don't let her push you around or try to intimidate you. You have the right to call the shots for yourself!
Suzy, I like the quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I have read the book and I have learned to meditate using his CD's....
That must have been hard living with that over your head for 17 years. I know there will be no magical switch that happens for me on September 1st..But the biggest thing is that her power will be gone. For example, yesterday--I again had to keep my mouth shut. I was at my son's football game, she needed to drop something off for my son, she was late for work, I leave the field to meet her at the entrance.
What does she do? Because I didn't walk fast enough, she throws the stuff out the window into the road screaming all the way...
Another coach was walking by and witnesses her craziness and says it is hell to be married...
I can't tell you how many things I wanted to say about how she treated me. I didn't say a word but just laughed and said to myself, in another few days, I can say what is on my mind.
If I think about it, she has had this power over me for most of our marriage...That will be my biggest relief and hopefully my anxiety will start to subside....
Or don't say it. That's an option. Just be the bigger person and don't give her the satisfaction. Just move on.
I think that is the bigger point, CTH...
I am worried that you might start to explode back when the ex does something crazy. You might feel better, but what will that do to your kids? Try to be the bigger person and leave her to her own craziness. If you join in, that just makes both of your crazy and the kids have to witness it (and they will feel it / get wind of it, even if it doesn't happen in their presence).
I have to tell you - I was one of the worst-effected people on here - two short stints in the mental hospital as I fought suicidal thoughts because I just wanted the pain to stop, and debilitating anxiety attacks, plus PTSD.
I am almost 5 years post-bomb, and 3 years post-divorce. It took me about 1.5 - 2 years post-divorce to really come back to myself completely - it takes more time than anyone wants to admit, but it does come. Color came back into my world, I am happy, my kids are great...
To get here, I had to go no-contact. Everything went through email only, and only about the kids (even business/money went through the lawyers for quite a while). It was the only thing that worked to give me the space to heal.
To get here, I had to go no-contact. Everything went through email only, and only about the kids (even business/money went through the lawyers for quite a while). It was the only thing that worked to give me the space to heal.
It is funny, but I am reaching the point of having to go no contact again. We can't have a rational conversation because he constantly drags up the past as well as whining about the settlement. It is all over and done with and he cannot move on. I had what may be the stupidest conversation with him tonight and it frustrates me because that's 20 minutes of my life I can't get back. He actually accused me of having an affair 15+ years ago which never happened....but he has accused me of before, probably to justify his own actions. It is laughable....I had to hang up because it was so ridiculous....and this is 3+ years since our divorce.
So the actual divorce is not a magic decree that makes thing better. In my case the crazy continues and I realize I have to disengage.
BND, I think, by and large, that our ex's don't do a lot of work on themselves (hence the split and run rather than sticking things out). So in many ways, they are exactly where they were when things exploded, stuck in time, with no or little growth.
I can speak to Chuck on the phone occasionally, now, but centered around kids' activities, etc. I recently tried to have a conversation with him about something he did that made my daughter feel stuck in the middle, but it only proved that we obviously still do not experience reality or values in the same way, so I just hung up. Better to have a shared electronic calendar and keep it at that. I'm glad that I live in my world/reality and not his!
I'm glad that I live in my world/reality and not his!
What a great way to put it!!! Love this!
you know...nothing says you can't say what you want to say NOW...if you say what you want or need to say in a diplomatic manner...it can be said.
I learned that there is power in my own words and I AM ALLOWED to express my opinions. I am not a horribly wicked person (I mean I CAN be but I am not usually one) and so when I have been treated like crap, it has been very important for me to acknowledge that and say it isn't OK instead of just sucking it up.
I reply in an even tone and a diplomatic manner that what the person is doing or saying is not appropriate and it is not something I deserve and they can treat me with respect and if they don't, I will chose to walk away and not take their crap.
and then I don't take their crap!!!
you know...nothing says you can't say what you want to say NOW...if you say what you want or need to say in a diplomatic manner...it can be said.
Yes, it can be said, but sometimes there is just no point because it falls on deaf ears. He will never admit any responsibility in the failings in his life but will choose to lay it all on me. So I need to not engage at all. And the irony of the situation is he is hurling baseless accusations at me and feeling self-righteous and if I wanted to I could present him with cold, hard evidence. The evidence I held back and never wanted to use because of how it would effect the kids. Sadly I did, and still do, make an effort to preserve his image for them beause of the damage it would do to them. And I know he bad-mouths me at every turn. But that is his failing as a human being, I won't make it mine. I try to keep all the ugliness away from the kids.
I don't disagree that taking the high road is usually the right thing to do. I have taken the high road most of the time. If I choose to engage, she will come back twice as mean. It is no different from when we were married. She would yell, I would placate because I knew if I spoke my mind, she would just come back harder...
With that said, I think there is some therapy somewhere in here if "WE(all of us in this thread)" finally say our opinions without fear of retribution. i have lived in fear the last 3 years of her taking the kids away, asking for more money, etc....Well, hopefully in a couple days, I don't have to be afraid anymore. I am sure as you all have demonstrated, that the craziness doesn't end after the divorce and that you end up having to still be the bigger person in most discussions...
I know I will end up doing that more often than not, however, I am not standing down anymore with her. The kids are completely oblivous to any of our discussions. That is one area we do well in is how we handle issues with our sons.
Donna--I am glad to hear you are doing better. I was good for along time and imploded myself back in March. Doing much better now...
"The kids are completely oblivous to any of our discussions."
They really aren't. She threw the stuff out the car window in the parking lot, in front of other people?
The kids know that the halves that made them are now at war, and it is very hard on them, wether they show you that or not.
I wouldn't be afraid of her, I would just ignore her completely. She will never, ever, see your side of things or point of view.
I had to keep telling myself, "You can't make sense of non-sense."
I don't disagree with you that the kids see mommy and daddy aren't very friendly right now. They can probably just feel the tension. I do know someday that will change. And yes, it will be me making the change to act more cordial...
I am very congnizant of not arguing in front of the kids. That is my boys biggest issue is that we don't argue.
I am fortunate in that I don't have to deal with the boys' dad...ever really...except just recently in court
however
when they have asked about him
I tell them the truth
he is a sick person who is unhappy with himself and so couldn't manage to take care of himself.
nothing that they did or did not do could change that and no medicine or therapy he got could change that about him
it doesn't mean he doesn't love them in his own way
it means that he can't show them in the ways they want to be shown
I have never bad-mouthed him but I have not made him into a hero either especially not at my expense
I don't expect anything I ever say to him to make a difference and I don't expect he will ever change his opinion of himself or of me...he sees himself as a victim and I am the evil bad guy
I wonder why you are afraid of her...
how could she get more money from you
or
take more time away from you and the kids?
how can you telling the truth (in a diplomatic and rational manner) make any of those things happen
I remember one day my XW called me at work and demanded that I stay home the next day with D9, who was sick.
I wasn't in a good place then still I was happy with what I said.
I told her she "couldn't demand that I do something." She could ask. She hung up.
It could be a simple boundaries statement. When we talk I will not be yelled at, swore at ....
It's a tough spot. I'm glad I didn't really face that.
Well court is over. I am officially divorced. During pretrial my EX WIFE..commented on my shoes that they looked expensive. He only buys "allen edmonds" she says. I just looked at and said, really? They are 6 years old...
Oh and i also had to give up the leaf blower because she demanded that too. I did sleep last night(usually my insomnia is in full force before a court date) , but I am just tired, relived. Looking forward to my new life...
figgeroni, sorry to hear that the boys dad is such a mess.
She can no longer hurt me, threaten me, control me...I am free today...
I'm no engine expert, but isn't there something that you could put in it to cause it seize up?
Just a -- mean -- thought.
When it was over for me people would say congratulations and I didn't know how to take it. Divorce is sad. It's a death of what could have been.
That being said, it sounds like yours was such a mess that congratulations may work here.
So congratulations.
not a bad thought...
The funny part is even when she had no money, she borrowed $20,000 from daddy to but a new toyota 4runner. Used? not for my ex...
I don't disagree it is sad. But I have to tell you, I just feel the fear lifting a way a bit today...
Divorce was bittersweet for me...
I was certainly glad when it happened but I wished it had never gotten to that point
Divorce was bittersweet for me...
I was certainly glad when it happened but I wished it had never gotten to that point
Ditto. I still feel that somewhere along the way it definitely could have been fixed.....but cest la vie. It is hard to fix a marriage when your partner believes all the problem lie in you.
I am happy now. Happier than I had been for so many years.
I just wanted to share something with you. I was scared of my exH for a long time. he tore me down, I was scared ot speak up in fear of losing him. I knew his personality.
Now that he is gone, I have nothing to lose. So when he tries to bully me, I stand firm, and guess what. He backs down.
I lived with fear as well. My ex first mentioned divorce 3-4 years into our marriage. We stayed married for another 16 years, and I had the constant fear that he would divorce me. I lived with that insecurity and fear for 16 years. I became a shell of a person who at one point was having anxiety attacks because I was afraid I would do something wrong, and consequently I never seemed to do anything right...and was constantly told that I never did anything right. Who knew that him leaving would be such a positive in my life. I completely lost who I was when I was married, and divorce brough me back! And I speak my mind now and could not care less what he thinks! It is definitely liberating!
Even more ironic is that the person he ending up not liking in me, was the one he really created. The one who became defensive and up tight.
Yep, I may be a bitch, but I'm the bitch you created!!!