Well folks....
When I started my piecing thread in December, I did not think I would end up here.
But, here I am.
I was known as Rockedworld in newcomers.... when my world was rocked by my H's infidelity and lies and my world was blown apart. With the help of the great people here, I found strength within myself to take a stand and bust the A.
My H ended the A and we started piecing. In piecing, I was known as Ruledworld.... as I was taking charge of ruling my own life. It went well at first, there were many positive signs of true remorse and coming out of the fog.
Over time, my H became more resistent to working on the M and started to completely refuse MC. He started to talk more and more about wanting to "resolve unresolved issues" re: the A. As I maintained my stand of no contact and the boundaries I needed, he detached more and more.
And, you guessed it.... resumed contact in mid June.
I discovered and confronted this the end of June.
My H has refused to cut off contact again, even though he swears to this day that they have not resumed a R.
He has also refused MC and announced to me that he is "done".
So, here I am.
The kids have been told.
The kids and I are moving by the end of August. This is by my choice. We currently live in a small town that is a 40 min. commute to where I work. I can't afford that commute nor the big house as a single parent. The kids and I are moving in with my parents closer to where I work until we can get on our feet financially. My H will remain in the home to fix it up and sell it.
Part of me is still in shock that I am here. I thought we would make it.
Another part of me is grieving deeply.
Another part of me is feeling stronger than I ever have in my life.
Another part of me is scared out of my mind.
And, another part of me is focusing on making my life what I choose for it to be and being excited for the future.
I am in charge of my life and I have grown and changed and learned so much in this process.
I have made friends through this forum that I am so grateful for and will treasure always.
I have a lot of challenges before me, but I have the best support system and an inner strength that will get me through. And I have faith.
So, here I am! Welcome to my new DB home.
Hi hon,
I've been thinking about you and your kids, praying you all were staying strong. Glad to see your new thread...keep us posted so you can get support here.
((((RHW))))
-silverado
rHw,
Part of me is still in shock that I am here. I thought we would make it.
Another part of me is grieving deeply.
Another part of me is feeling stronger than I ever have in my life.
Another part of me is scared out of my mind.
And, another part of me is focusing on making my life what I choose for it to be and being excited for the future.
I am in charge of my life and I have grown and changed and learned so much in this process.
I have made friends through this forum that I am so grateful for and will treasure always.
I have a lot of challenges before me, but I have the best support system and an inner strength that will get me through. And I have faith.
So, here I am! Welcome to my new DB home.
Amen!
You sound strong...and admirable.
All the best in the next part of your journey.
Peace,
Hey Rocked! Its as good as you want it to be. But the days of sacrifice are at an end. Take this time to surround yourself those who love you. And those you love. You know now what negative love truly means. Never accept it or sacrifice yourself for it ever again.
Love is freely given. Freely accepted. Anything less is not worth it.
Hey KR, sorry to see you here but you're in good company!
I like your attitude!
Hey RK-
I lost you for a bit as you changed your name.
Back on you, though.
You worked hard, you did all you could do. You can have that peace of mind.
I'm sorry to see you here, but we'll take care of each other.
((RK))
I too am so sorry you are here. You remain an inspiration to me and many others. You deserve better and you know it.
Thanks a ton for all your help in my journey that continues.
I am amazed at what you have been able to offer me along the way while you dealt with this crap and I just want to post that here so that everyone else can read it and know what a strong, courageous and incredible person/friend you are.
If anyone can come out this better...it is you.
((RK))
Hi rocked!
Just so you know...I didn't think you'd end up here! I followed you from the minute I started on here and if anyone deserved to bust a D, it was you! Only you know how much you can take...
I recognize a lot of names from when I first came on here over here in surviving....I may join you one of these days but for now am still standing for my M over in MLC! D was filed the end of February and H hasn't done anything to push it thru...not saying he won't at some point but seems to have lost the steam he had in the beginning!
Just wanted you to know that you are still one of my heroes here and wish you all the best!
Well you know my four penneth! No one can say that you didnt try hard enough and harder still in my opinion!
Like GW said not only do you work your way through your own day to day worries, but are still there for others with a hug and :-)
Take care my good friend, Im off on hols now so will be popping in and out althoug you know where to find me on the alt if you ever need to bend an ear (())
Thanks so much for all the support, friendship and encouragement!
I have met the most amazing people through this...I am sure many of us feel the same way about each other.
My current sitch is living in the same house with H but preparing for moving me and the kids out... hopefully within the next couple of weeks.
H had a bit of an emotional meltdown last night.... going on about how it is "killing" him to think of me and the kids moving out and living with my parents.... while at the same time admitting he had lied to me about this past weekend and that he had seen OW! (He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!
I am realizing more and more every day that he is just not in a healthy place and not healthy to be married to. He needs to figure himself out, and without me to lean on for the first time in 20 years.
I am grieving. But I know what I need to do for me and the kids. And I am doing it.
I just wish I had a time machine to speed things up...
Rocked
My current sitch is living in the same house with H but preparing for moving me and the kids out... hopefully within the next couple of weeks.
First of all ((((hugs))) You know me by other names I can't put here, but I'm familiar with your sitch. And I have to say you've given it your all. You can now go in (relative) peace, knowing you fought for your M and - like you said- he's just not healthy to be married to at this time. I am in the same boat as you logistically- getting ready to move, as I have to be the one to move out. It's heartwrenching that we have to do that when we didn't want this to begin with, but as a friend told me, at least it's (somewhat) on our terms.
H had a bit of an emotional meltdown last night.... going on about how it is "killing" him to think of me and the kids moving out and living with my parents.... while at the same time admitting he had lied to me about this past weekend and that he had seen OW! (He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!
That is really sad. I am happy to give you the # to 1-800-WAAAAHHH that flowmom gave me for my H.
The nerve of them complaining to us! I will never understand that. And I'm glad you're getting out of the house -- especially if he STILL can't even be honest with himself or you about what's going on.
I am realizing more and more every day that he is just not in a healthy place and not healthy to be married to. He needs to figure himself out, and without me to lean on for the first time in 20 years.
I am grieving. But I know what I need to do for me and the kids. And I am doing it.
I just wish I had a time machine to speed things up...
If you find that machine, let me know. You are a strong woman and I know you'll be fine- and you're taking great care of your kids, so kudos to you. I hope you're taking care of yourself, too.
Well, hello there RHW
I have been searching for you!!!! Didn't realize you had moved in over here. I'll be checking you out now.
Well, I am all caught up. As usual your strength and class show through in your posts and attitude. Gotta say that your H is losing one hell of a woman.
I'll pop in and check on you now I know where you are. Did you say unwelcome house guest? LOL. I don't plan to post on my thread anytime soon but I still check on my peeps
. I am taking some time to enjoy my life again and to give myself some mental space.
Later, RHW.
Nikita ~ drop me a line in the alt so I remember who you are!
Thanks for your comments and support.
Kara... Thank you for your kind words! You are always a most welcome guest my friend! I am sad you won't be posting for awhile.
I have always anxiously awaiting each next chapter....
But, I believe you are doing fabulously because that is who you are. You have been an inspiration to me.
No real update. Meeting with a L today. I am prepped, ready and wanting to move forward.
My H's behavior this past weekend created a turning point for me I think. It was just so unbelievably selfish and pathetic. I had been really grieving prior to that, and still have my sad moments. But, now... I almost feel repulsed when I look at him. Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!
So....gonna keep on rockin' and rulin'
Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!
This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.
This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.
I hope that's true Romeo... I can see that is what is happening.
We had a very calm and productive conversation about finances last night. It is upsetting that NOW he is willing to talk with me about this when I have been desperate for his help for over a year and he absolutely REFUSED to even discuss it. Our financial sitch has been on my shoulders alone while he carried on his A etc. Unbelieveable.
Anyway, now he is being oh so agreeable and helpful. Whatever. Each day that passes I am losing more and more respect for him and am looking more and more forward to being free from him.
This morning I woke up and I actually felt.... relief, I guess is the best way to put it. As my eyes are being more and more opened to his true character and the degree of selfishness by which he functions, I am more and more relieved to not have to deal with that anymore.
I am starting to realize I rationalized a lot of very unacceptable behaviors because I loved him and our family so much.
Yup. Relief. That is the best word to describe what I am feeling.
The sense of relief in the midst of such a difficult time is so welcomed!
I can really relate to losing the respect aspect of all of this. I also can REALLY relate to having the financial burden during an affair.
You really are amazing, strong, lovely, kind, generous and so very dedicated. You have lots of friends here!
CG... thank you for your kind words!
Your strength has been a huge inspiration to me!
I do have the most amazing friends here and in RL. I am a blessed woman. And, today I am remembering that life is truly a blessing... each day, no matter what is happening in your life. It is still a gift that I am choosing to embrace.
Today I am leaving to go camping at a lack with my sister in law!!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... two women on their own with a camper and a few bottles of wine......
I have a feeling it will be a great weekend. And much needed for me.
Bring more than a FEW bottles
Have a great weekend trip!
Well it looks like I was dipping into the wine already judging from my last post!
Obviously I am camping at a LAKE this weekend! LOL
Good plan CG... I knew you were a smart woman!
Too bad you can't join us.
Have fun, Rocked!
((((RW))))
Now I see where you have been hanging out
My sister, you will do just fine, No. Matter. What.
(((((Hugs))))
Rocked,
You are an inspiration. Truly a rock. Have a great weekend!
Romeo,
This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.
Dead on, man.
I printed this out
Peace,
Sending you peace and happiness in your new life.
Well my friends .... back from a weekend of fun, sun, and wine
It was good for me... no demands on me... just time to unwind and relax and some good, supportive conversation with someone who loves me.
I missed the kids, though. I guess that is something you have to get used to isn't it? Any advice or tips from anyone who has been there are welcome. I am finding it hard to go from 20 years of family life to periods of time when the kids are away from me and I am not involved. Maybe there is no way to adjust to something like that, other than that you just do get used to it over time. But, that part sucks.
I am noticing H is having difficulty getting used to losing his best friend. He noticed me spending time talking with the kids about how their weekend was and he kept trying to talk to me too. Can you believe it? I just did my own thing, focused on the kids and went to bed early. What part of his decision to divorce me does he not get? Sheesh!
Also some sadness for me with starting to pack to move out. How do you dismantle 20 years of life together? I came accross old cards from H I had kept. It was heart breaking. He was saying as recently as 2007 how I still "took his breath away" and how proud he was of all the milestones we had passed together. So sad.
Anyway, a new day today.... busy with work and continuing to pack and focusing on the kids.
Life will get better. That I know.
What part of his decision to divorce me does he not get? Sheesh!
Sounds like reality is setting in for him.
You seem to be doing very well, Rocked. That's awesome.
I am so thrilled you had a wonderful weekend!
KR, love the attitude you've are wearing these days, what's it called
Yeah not having kids around is tough but you get used to it and you slowly even start to carve out a little fun life for yourself when the kids are away. I mean it's all about making the best of the situation- not that anyone of us wanted to become a part time parent but it is what it is.
Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine
Soleil and CG thank you for your support!
Hi hun, glad you had a good weekend break! Escaping the kids well that takes getting used too, ok mine just grew up rather than D but its not that different honestly! But I do know how strange it is you spend every waking hour with them, looking after them, washing cooking etc and then hey presto in my case he passed his driving test aged 17 and your redundant!
Total weirdness sets in.. you keep getting up to go fetch them only to realise they are bringing themselves home lol!
Best tip use your detaching skills.. I used to get into all sorts of arguments with S, then I started DB'ing him too... what a response I got, he loved it because he felt respected that I was allowing him to make his own choices, but he knew if he needed too I was there! Its painful at first but it works brilliantly and we have transended from teenager/mum to young adult/mum relationship a lot better than I thought it would be!
Look at as an opportunity not a failing and knowing how much you love you kids Im sure you will see them through to adulthood fabulously by setting the same fantastic example you usually do!
My first weekend out of the house was the worst feeling I've ever had. It was worse than my mother dying unexpectedly. I remember I had my then 7-year-old to stay the night. I walked her home and then went back to the house I was staying at ... and nothing.
No yardwork. I didn't live there anymore. No parks to go to. The girls were with there mom. No clothes to clean. They were going ... to do something where I wasn't involved at all.
I completely lost it. I called a friend and we went golfing and I moped around for three hours. After that, I got a call to play softball and I moved there for an hour. Then I took a sleeping pill.
That was truly awful -- looking at the future as a part-time parent and not wanting to face it.
But the next weekend was easier. You try to develop a routine, expand your friend horizons to have things to do and motivate yourself for the next weekend they are all yours.
None of this is easy. I've had lots of time with the girls this summer and I know this, they want more and I want more.
It's been a roller coaster of a day, but at least I seem to have ended up on the upswing.
Started off with having to get a ride to work with H because I had a flat tire.
I honestly can barely tolerate his presence these days so it was not fun. And, as much as I had made up my mind not to get into anything, we ended up arguing. Of course it was ALL my fault that we argued, according to H. My perspective is that I call him on his BS now and he instantly gets defensive and mad... and it goes from there.
Oh well. I found myself another ride home.
I had help shifting my perspective from the crap H accuses me of to remembering the truth of who I am. That help came from my very good friend and DB brother.
Then, I had another lawyer meeting. This is the third lawyer I have met with and I guess the third is the charm! She is the right fit for me. I liked her approach, she was no nonsense but also very empathetic and personable, and she made sense! She explained things so much more clearly than the other two. She mapped out a plan for me that fits perfectly for what I want to happen and at minimal cost.
I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward.
H is likely going to be surprised that I am moving forward this quickly. But, I will not remain married to a man that is remaining in a R with the woman he cheated on me with. Period. And he is choosing to do that.
Onwards and upwards....
Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine
In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of
I am worth it! That is my attitude these days.
Rabbit and CTH thank you for chiming in your thoughts about handling being away from the kids. It truly is the hardest part and I haven't even really started it yet. But, I am sure you do adjust and life goes on. I plan to make the most of the time I have with them.
Rocked,
Too bad about the exasperating morning, but the righ-fit lawyer and this:
I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward.
H is likely going to be surprised that I am moving forward this quickly. But, I will not remain married to a man that is remaining in a R with the woman he cheated on me with. Period...Onwards and upwards....
is great!
Just great.
Peace,
Rocked- I am SO stoked to read: "I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward."
I know this isn't what you wanted, but that is wonderful to hear- and that you feel like someone competent is on your side for the legal stuff. Yay!
You mentioned you were packing- are you planning on moving out? Curious, b/c I'm in the same boat- LBS who must move out for various reasons, even though they should be the ones moving. I also may get to the point you are where I end up making a move legally before he does b/c he's so lazy (and is probably actually hoping I'll do the work for him, as he always does- and I usually do, but in this case it will set me free). Ironic.
Anyway, glad you had a great weekend away- keep your chin up, make sure you get new tires ;-) and keep up the attitude!
Hey G-Man and NB thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement.
NB - yes I am moving out with the kids. I know that is not usually recommended, but it sounds like you and I are in similar boats. H has done nothing about finding a place to live, even though this is HIS decision originally. And, he has burned all his bridges, so he literally has NO friends or family who will even take him. Financially we can't afford two households. I am moving in with my parents until I can get on my feet financially and emotionally. This also lessens my work commute considerably which is good for me in every way.
I handed my H the "draft" I have done regarding our verbal agreements to settle everything. I gave it to him this morning. As I thought, he is surprised that I am pushing and moving forward. He seems quite stunned. He finally noticed I stopped wearing my rings, which also seemed to surprise him. He still wears his.
Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Today I am sad.
Just part of the roller coaster I guess. I am letting myself be sad, to the extent that I can because I am at work. But, I know I need to grieve and will be grieving for a while. Lots of tears today.
I will shed them and work on keeping focused on what I need to do for me.
((Rocked))
Its ok to feel the sadness its all part of moving on and moving forward! Still cant believe how much your H is LLL how can he be stunned that you expect him to remain faithful and work on your M and that the consequences of him not doing that is to lose such a wonderful lady from his life! Honestly there are some days I'd like to line all the WAS and give them a good smack to knock some sense back into them!
Really with you on the WA front my 25th is next year and I often wonder will it be the dream anniversary or just another disaster?
Keep detaching hun, its the only thing that keeps you sane at times! (())
NB - yes I am moving out with the kids. I know that is not usually recommended, but it sounds like you and I are in similar boats. H has done nothing about finding a place to live, even though this is HIS decision originally. And, he has burned all his bridges, so he literally has NO friends or family who will even take him. Financially we can't afford two households. I am moving in with my parents until I can get on my feet financially and emotionally. This also lessens my work commute considerably which is good for me in every way.
Well, I'm glad you have a place to go where you can save some money. Hopefully it won't be too stressful living with your parents
. And a short commute is a bonus too.
I handed my H the "draft" I have done regarding our verbal agreements to settle everything. I gave it to him this morning. As I thought, he is surprised that I am pushing and moving forward. He seems quite stunned. He finally noticed I stopped wearing my rings, which also seemed to surprise him. He still wears his.
Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Today I am sad.
I'm so sorry. That's quite a milestone and not great timing for it. I can't believe he's still wearing his rings. My H took his off within a month of the bomb, I was so mad. I wore mine until I lost it 2 weeks ago, which pissed me off b/c I wasn't ready to stop wearing it. But I guess the choice was made for me. Yes, we are in similar boats- I will probably end up doing what you're doing with the written agreement, etc. Were you able to agree on $ and custody, all that just with the two of you without too much trouble? Mine just never seems to have time to discuss any of this stuff, which is funny b/c he wanted this. Actually, it's not funny- I don't see any indication he's thought anything through, particularly where our D is concerned, which is very disappointing. I'm glad you guys reached an agreement- does that mean you'll just be using the L's to draw up the official papers or do you still have things to settle?
Just part of the roller coaster I guess. I am letting myself be sad, to the extent that I can because I am at work. But, I know I need to grieve and will be grieving for a while. Lots of tears today.
I will shed them and work on keeping focused on what I need to do for me.
Good for you- let it out, but don't let it consume you. There is too much grief in all of this- it's a death of the M, which has to be grieved. Take care of yourself and lean on anyone you need to.
((((Rocked))))
Were you able to agree on $ and custody, all that just with the two of you without too much trouble? Mine just never seems to have time to discuss any of this stuff, which is funny b/c he wanted this. Actually, it's not funny- I don't see any indication he's thought anything through, particularly where our D is concerned, which is very disappointing. I'm glad you guys reached an agreement- does that mean you'll just be using the L's to draw up the official papers or do you still have things to settle?
NB- we have verbally agreed on everything. So far. But, that's because H is feeling guilty so he has been oh so agreeable so far. However, I am concerned that he will become more difficult as time goes on. I hope not, but it seems to be too smooth so far. We will see. But, yes... if he remains agreeable then we simply have my L draft it all up, he has one consult with an independent L and it can be done.
Doing better today. I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the sadness yesterday. I guess days like that are to be expected. I ended up getting the kids and staying at my parents for the night last night. I could just tell that I was too emotionally raw and vulnerable and the thought of being around him was too much. It was a good evening with my parents. We went for a long walk in the sunshine, had a nice dinner on the patio outside etc. I feel safe and loved there and that is what I need to heal right now. It is good for the kids to be in that environment too.
Working on getting myself back on track today.
I was doing OK last night. Did some more packing. Had a few moments when packing my wedding china. But got through it.
Then... for some reason... couldn't sleep. I kept waking up. I think I was dreaming. I kept waking up with thoughts of OW. I used to have nightmares about her a lot but that stopped when we were piecing. I don't know why that is happening.
So when my alarm went off this morning, I felt exhausted and emotional. Put more boxes in my car to drop off at my parents after work. Wondering if the neighbours are noticing.... I know that doesn't really matter... but, hey, I am human. The thought crossed my mind... are people going to assume I am "the guilty one" in this M since I am the one moving out? I know I shouldn't let thoughts like that consume me.
It's hard to no longer feel comfortable in my own home. I am in the process of moving, but haven't fully moved yet. I can't settle in my parents' yet because there is a nephew currently in the room I will have and I have to wait for him to move out.
I feel homeless. And I didn't do anything wrong.
Ugh.
I know I need to get my head around all this and shift my perspective.
I am choosing to take control of my own life, because my H is continuing to make choices that are unacceptable to me. I know that moving out of the home with the kids is the best option for me for lots of reasons. But, it is so much harder than I thought it would be. And this "in between" limbo time before I am settled in there is awful.
I need to remember this period of time will not be forever. It will get better.
I am working on finding some GAL plans this weekend. Need to find something fun!
The thought crossed my mind... are people going to assume I am "the guilty one" in this M since I am the one moving out? I know I shouldn't let thoughts like that consume me.
I've been you.
I am the one who moved out and worrid about that to, especially afterward. But nobody else knows what happened but me and H. So don't let it consume you. It's not healthy and takes a lot of time away from healthy thoughts. If youknow you tried all you could and kept hitting stone walls, then you are making the right decision.
For me, I prayed and kept praying for God to send me a sign specifically letting me know somehow whether to move out or not. I don't consider myself a religious person at all. I came home from work to find him packing up boxes. He said he was moving out, etc. I told him to leave all my stuff behind/important documents. When I got home at night, he was in bed. The next day he'd taken my wedding rings and hid them from me. Both of these things were my "sign," IMO.
The day I moved out, hsi stuff was still in boxes, my ring nowhere to be found.
Keep your HEAD up, Rocked. It sucks, reallllllllly sucks, but if he's unwilling to let you in, then you're not making the wrong decision for you.
Dreams about the OW are normal.
KR, it's a process...the roller coasters, the laying awake at night, the feelings, self-doubt etc. We ALL have to go through the rough patch to get to the greener pastures.
Good work on GAL...if you enjoy any particular activities you should check out meetup.com
Have a great weekend, you'll be OK!
rHw,
First off, love the title.
Now, as hard as it seems right now, that is what you need to remember.....
Rockin' and Rulin' My World!
We all get down on ourselves from time to time...that is what is great about this place....we can come here and vent/ramble/journal...and not be judged.
I think you are doing an awesome job! You
did not do anything wrong.....and if the neighbors come out, smile and say, 'my H's an a&&hole!!!'
~gg.
it will get better. You are one of the stories that I always read and I really admire your strength. I was also the one that moved out and went through all the emotions that you just wrote. I felt the same way like I was the one who has to move to my parents' house with my son and I was not the one that cheated. I felt is was unfair. But now, it was THE BEST thing I ever did! IT will get better. You will be able to heal out of that environment with your husband now. You will be able to get some time to yourself because you have your family to not only support you but to look after your kids as well. That is a big help for those days that you just need to lay in your bed and not move (and nothing is wrong with having those days...just not too many of them :-)).
After all of this you will notice how doors that you didn't even ask to be opened just start opening for you. Things will start happening for you that you are just amazed about but thankful for. I will keep you in prayer but I know that you are an amazingly strong women that will be just fine :-)
4Luv just about covered everything I was gonna say hun! Just remember what strength you have gained throughout all of this and use it to your best ability!
You are not only strong but very beautiful and what will be your H's loss will be your biggest gain!
((Rocked))
I agree with 4luv about doors opening in your life. Since I moved out -- she wanted out of the M and I decided to be 'big' and be the one to move, which for me was a mistake -- I started a new church that has given me several new social outlets. I found two part-time jobs -- one in the summer and fall and the other in the winter and spring -- that allows me somewhat to provide the lifestyle the girls have grown up expecting when they are with me.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of downtime ahead of you where you look around and wonder what happened. There will be lots of moments where it feels like he's "won." I'm struggling with that this week. But every day is a chance to rebuild and it truly gets better with time.
RDW. When he is agreeable due to guilt. Go for the throat. And get it in writing and signed. AS it drags out it becomes more difficult
Hey RW and CB--
In all my tears as I have read along with RW, I did chuckle at
CB: Go for the throat while he is feeling guilty.
I can't add anything more, RW, because everyone has said it all. We're all here. We've all been where you are.
And we're all getting to better, happier places.
I've been feeling your sadness, RW, and sending you strength.
Take advantage of being at your parents. Reduced cost of living, less commute, loving grandparents to help with the kids. Let HIM kick around in an empty house, "stunned" as a deer in the headlights--duh, what? RW left? duh, just because I am having an affair and said I wanted a divorce? duh? I jus' don' get it...aahhch that makes me scream!
Please keep posting as you have the energy to. Yours has been an incredible journey.
((RW))
Hello my friends old and new!
You are all so great. Thank you for the reminders and help with perspective right now.
I am looking forward to the new doors that may open for me in the future.
My dear friend CB... I am not a "go for the throat" kinda person, which is partly why this whole thing has been such a struggle for me. But, I do know that it is only wise for me to "take advantage" (so to speak.... I even have trouble with that!) of his current guilt to get the best possible outcome for me and my kids.
We had a conversation last night that started off very well. We were discussing kids, finances etc. It was going well. And then it went off the rails again.... The frustrating part is that I was even telling him I needed the conversation to stop because I was getting too emotional. I think he wants so badly to justify himself and explain himself and wants me to somehow say I understand... or something. And I don't and I won't. So that's where we get stuck. Ugh. I guess I need to just walk away when that happens. But easier said than done.
Also, during this argument, he told me there were three times in the past month he was "on the verge" of begging me to take him back, but that each time we ended up in an argument so that would convince him not to. I have been thinking a lot about this since last night. I have come to the conclusion that even if he were to beg, I think right now it would be for the wrong reasons (he is scared and overwhelmed as he is facing the realities of the choices he has made). And, I would need to see a lot of personal growth and work on himself to even consider trust again anyway.
There is a very clear pattern that I do better when I am away from him. I feel strong, confident and even have moments of peace and joy again. When I am around him, I am am emotional wreck who can barely control her emotions.
I know we need to talk about kids and finances, but I realize I need to keep it to the barest minimum possible.
Tomorrow is our 20th anniversary. Struggling with it today. I have IC booked tomorrow, took the rest of the week off work. My friends are so great. A friend is taking me out for breakfast tomorrow, another friend taking me to a movie tomorrow night. And I am going camping with my family on the weekend. So I am going to focus on those positives as best I can.
Hey K, it's a roller coaster so you just have to ride it out. I hear you on the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing. It makes you want to somehow get this mess over with like yesterday so you can be free. I do anyway...I know I'll be ok when I don't have to get the letters from the Ls or deal with her on all the 'open' issues.
Anniversaries are tough- or any 'firsts' for that matter but it's important you do something fun so next year you can look back and go 'hell that wasn't all that bad! I had fun!'. So stay dark tomorrow COMPLETELY! and enjoy the day. Smart move on the IC appt and it sounds like you will have fun with your family and friends!
Keep you chin up!
Tomorrow may be your 20th anniversary but what about today? How about today is YOUR anniversary to the start of your new life!
The milestones (or what should be the milestones) certainly are difficult, I know. It sounds like you have amazing people around you and that is cause for celebration!
xoxoxo!
There is a very clear pattern that I do better when I am away from him. I feel strong, confident and even have moments of peace and joy again. When I am around him, I am am emotional wreck who can barely control her emotions.
And that is major. Anytime you are down, think about that statement.
What movie are you going to see? Will you have popcorn? I consider it such a huge part of the movie-going experience!
Tomorrow is the start of a new beginning! You have made good choices for tomorrow, best of all because if H is gonna crack and beg for forgiveness guilt is bound to pile on him tomorrow and you are so right that he needs to do the work and you need to have the space! Will be thinking of you lots tomorrow huge hugs Rabbit xx
think of it this way. The more you can acquire now helps down the road with negotiations, helps with trading and helps with getting what you want. Remember to gather what you know he wants but does not know this now. So later on you trade it back for something else. Or you can offer it as an olive branch.
This is business. If you cannot handle talking this with him face to face. Write it out and converse via email.
Keep it on topic. Start to divide.
And if you are not getting what you want have your lawyer deal with the issue.
Remember divorce gets nasty. So prepare for this. The level of nastiness is up to the both of you.
And if you cannot deal with this now. Take a week and get strong to deal with it.
Then deal with it.
It is not going to go away.
Hugs RDW
What movie are you going to see? Will you have popcorn? I consider it such a huge part of the movie-going experience!
OK Good thing you brought this up Sol!
This is a very important question and I need feedback.
My friend would like to take me to Eat, Pray, Love.... which I understand is the story of a woman after divorce. She read the book and said I might find it inspiring. Is that a good choice for me on my 20th anniversary? I have not read the book and don't know if that is a good idea or not. Thoughts?
And...... popcorn..... duh!
Bring on the butter! lol
Thanks also to all of you for your support. You are right that I have fantastic friends and family! I have much to be grateful for.
CG... I like the idea of my OWN anniversary. You are fabulous!
CB... I hear you. I know D is business, and I need to remember that. It is so opposite to my nature and who I am but it is what it is.
Anyway, I have been doing better as the day has progressed, and as I have been focusing on these good things.
You people are truly amazing. Hey, we all are!
So, how is my favorite rock and roller?
I've been reading along as always. Just wanted to jump in re EPL which I read pre-bomb (oh,I sometimes refer to things as Pre-Bomb and Post-Bomb just for kicks). The main character (I forget her name) was a WAW. She was very unhappy in her M and wanted out. She dropped the bomb on her H from what I remember.He was devastated, although there is little of that in the book which is HER story, after all. After several international travels and soul searching she found herself and love. It was an interesting read and I plan to see the movie just to see how the WAW aspect of it is presented. It was interesting to readhow trapped and suffocated a person could feel in a M and now it will be more interesting to see the movie. People seem to think it is courageous to walk when you don't feel the love but we know it is courageous to stay and at least ATTEMPT to work at it.
Sounds like you have some good plans for your time off. This is your life, Rocked! And you will continue to Rock It!!! CB is right...use this time to get stronger. I have been getting strong this summer by listening to girl anthems to reinforce to myself how fabulous and fierce I am and by working out hard at the gym.Keep rockin your world ...I love your new signature.
Hope you enjoy tomorrow, nonethless. As I like to say, there is no way to get through it but to get through it. Buy yourself something new... maybe a "new life" present. I am a firm advocate of retail therapy.
((Rocked))
Since you ask about EPL, I just wanted to point out that when Elizabeth Gilbert feels that her marriage won't work out (and she never really explains why, just all the gut-wrenching pain & misery she feels as a result), she starts by diving into an affair. I just wanted to warn you about that, because I know what a sensitive area it is to all of us here!
The book is an easy read, and has useful parts for anyone who is turning her life around, but if you're likely to be frustrated by a writer who is totally caught up in the minutia of her own emotions, you might be better off with the movie than the book....
Thanks for the feedback my friends.
I am actually doing pretty well today so I think I will try the movie.
Had a great IC session in which I took CG's advice and really focused on creating an anniversary of my commitment to myself. I felt strong and empowered at the end of the session.
Also had breakfast with a good friend this morning. She gave me a card in which she wrote the following:
"Rocked,
Today I celebrate you and the incredible difference you have made. I celebrate you and all you've done, and share your deep deep sorrow in not getting the chance to celebrate and recognize these things with Mr. Rocked. Not fair. So unjust. So sad. But, you, my dear, and all you are and have given is a celebration! 20 years is a long time... and you have been a truly faithful and devoted wife. You are a mom full of love and care for her children. You have given your whole self making a difference to your family. You honored your promise and I celebrate that today. Today is not what it should be. Its not what you deserve. I'm so sorry, Rocked. Wishing you peace, care and comfort especially today. You are loved Rocked. Rocked's Friend."
I choose to celebrate me today too. Who I was in my M, who I am today, my ongoing commitment to my kids, and to myself.
(((((hugs)))) to you all
What a great post! I like the message in the card your friend gave you. You have lots of love around you!
Fantastic message in your card what a dear friend, my BFF sent me a little card the other day which was so sweet about friendship and knowing we are always there for each other, she was there for me last year and always, unfortunately its my turn as her mum has just been diagnosed with cancer but its an honour and a privilege as Im sure it is for Rocked's friends! (())
Rocked,
Today I celebrate you and the incredible difference you have made. I celebrate you and all you've done, and share your deep deep sorrow in not getting the chance to celebrate and recognize these things with Mr. Rocked. Not fair. So unjust. So sad. But, you, my dear, and all you are and have given is a celebration! 20 years is a long time... and you have been a truly faithful and devoted wife. You are a mom full of love and care for her children. You have given your whole self making a difference to your family. You honored your promise and I celebrate that today. Today is not what it should be. Its not what you deserve. I'm so sorry, Rocked. Wishing you peace, care and comfort especially today. You are loved Rocked."
What a wonderful friend! You are blessed.
I choose to celebrate me today too. Who I was in my M, who I am today, my ongoing commitment to my kids, and to myself.
Amen.
Peace,
How come guys can never write nice thoughtful stuff like that? Sometimes I wish I was a girl...I'd be one happy girl for sure- for more reasons than one
KR, hope you're doing well!
How come guys can never write nice thoughtful stuff like that? Sometimes I wish I was a girl...I'd be one happy girl for sure- for more reasons than one
KR, hope you're doing well!
Romeo... guys CAN write stuff like that! Not buyin' it.... lol
About being a happy girl.... hmmmm..... very curious comment indeed! You might have to expand on that.
I am doing pretty well... most days.
Had a wonderful weekend away in the mountains, which included a two hour hike to a beautiful waterfall. I felt alive, at peace and renewed.
Then, I came home to D14 questioning whether she might choose to live with her Dad. That has had me in turmoil for the past few days.
My H is staying in the house, in a small town about a half hour drive from the city I am moving into. This is where I work, and will no longer have the long commute. I am temporarily living with my parents until I can get on my feet and get my own place. The original plan was that the kids would live with me there. This means changing schools.
S16 was all for this right from the start. He loves the idea of changing to the city school because of all the sports opportunities. D14 has struggled with the idea of leaving her friends. Of course. I have told her all along I completely understood that.
After many discussions, some tears, and a lot of anxiety on my part.... as well as a long and suprisingly productive convo with H.... we seem to have reached a compromise.
D14 will still change schools into the city where I am living, but will live "most of the time" in small town with H. H also works in the city, so he can drive her in to school in the mornings. She can take the bus to my parents home where I can see her every day after school, and then H picks her up to take her home with him. She will be with me some weekends as well. This way she still sees her friends in small town a lot.
I have agreed to this... because I think once she starts at the city school, she will begin making new friends, and will end up being with me more and more. It will help her transition.
Whew.... this has been a roller coaster week so far.
I will try to post something about my convo with H later... still processing it.
Glad to hear you reached a good compromise with D14's living arrangement. Your thinking sounds valid that if her premise for wanting to stay with H is her existing friends then this arrangement should help her with the transition.
Also realize that kids at different stages in their lives favor different parents. I've heard the early teen years for girls can be tough as-is. They also tend to become rebelious around this age and like to draw attention to themselves by doing unexpected things or disrupting plans etc. Have you considered finding a D counselor who specializes in helping teens adjust to the change?
Oh my comment about me wanting to be a girl...let's just say it's a good thing I'm not or I'll love myself way too much!
(((KR)))
I have been a busy girl and MIA around here I guess!
Hmmmm....what's new in my world?
Well.... the past week was an absolute roller coaster with D14. She had trouble adjusting to the new school, missed her old friends like crazy, and cried mountains of dramatic teenage tears begging and pleading with me to let her go back to her old school. So, I had to find that balancing act we parents do between being supportive and firm.
The good thing is her Dad backed me up, and between the two of us we seem to have finally convinced her to stay at the new school.
There is actually progress with H. We are getting along fine for a separated couple I suppose. I think that (typical of WAS fog) he hadn't really thought through what it would be like to see all my clothes, personal items etc gone. It hit him hard. He has cried a few times in the past week. In over 20 years with this man I rarely saw him cry.
He has been honest that he has "wavered" about whether this is the right choice. I have told him that doesn't matter any more. I am no longer "wavering". He was not willing to do what I needed him to do to heal from the A and rebuild trust. He has given me no indication he would be willing to do that now.
It's sad that a WAS sometimes sees these things in hindsight when it can be too late for the LBS.
But, for the most part... I am doing well. I can see hope for my future. My PMA is good. I have waves of sadness still at times, and the pain, hurt, anger sometimes still pops up when I think about everything that has happened. But, it's not as intense and passes more quickly.
Overall, life is good. Life is a gift and I plan on embracing that gift as much as possible.
KR, good to see an update from you. You do sound like you've been busy. Sorry to hear about D14s school issues but sounds like you guys worked together and set the direction for her. It's much better that way than to give mixed signals and once she knows you have confidence in the decision she'll feel more comfortable. I think it's kinda like leading a team where in the midst of an uneasy decision you as the leader just have to set the direction 'this is what we're doing' and they'll follow.
Glad to hear you're healing and getting past some of the hurt and pain. You know it gets easier with time and some new bomb will set you back for a bit but it really does get easier. I find that the less I hear from her or the Ls my life becomes far more peaceful, comfortable and dare I say...even enjoyable.
Life ain't all that bad. I agree
Hi hun
Just mooching around trying to catch up and say best wishes to all those MIA's drop me a note on the alt when you get time xx
Oh my dear friend Rabbit! (((hugs)))
sorry I didn't see your note until now. Have been off the boards yet again... life just gets busy sometimes! I will drop you a note in the alt... promise.
So what's rockin in my world these days?
Well.... settled in with my parents but looks like I have found a place to live for Nov. 1. Kids have adjusted to new schools and that is much better.
H has told me has had many second thoughts. He follows me around like a puppy dog ( no offense to our dear DB friend Puppy Dog Tails... lol) when we are in public. Yet I just keep telling him, as long as OW is in your life in anyway... i am proceeding with D. He still claims they haven't resumed the A but just maintaining "peaceful" contact. Whatever the f that means. Whatever. any contact is unacceptable to me.
So... onwards.
(((hugs))) my friends
Hey RW! I didn't know you were over here and
just found you tonight. I read through everything but it's way past my bedtime already so I must dash.
Know that I'm thinking of you and am happy that you feel confident moving forward with your life.
Have put you in watched topics so I can keep up to date now!
Glad to hear you are doing well, Rocked. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries.
Hiya Rocked
Always good to see you!
Sounds like Mr. Rocked has been rocked. Hmmmm...may have to start calling you "Rocky".
Keep your head up, chica;)
HIJACK:
Pearl, I am doing well. Thanks for the shout out on NCU's thread. I don't really post on my own thread and you don't post on yours, so I know you'll see my shout out here. I miss you too...It is always good to hear from my girls.
HIJACK OVER - Sorry , Rocked. I am like an ill-mannered houseguest, aren't I?
ANOTHER HIJACK!
Pardon me RW. I'm going to presume that you would welcome a little lighthearted chat.
Kara, ever since Mindful stopped posting we haven't had a fun thread to hang out on. Perhaps we should start one? Although I haven't bought any new shoes lately so I don't have anything to contribute to that conversation. I have been buying some new fall clothes but nothing spectacular. Got a cute strapless dress in SF, a tunic top and a couple shirts at a newish boutique here and a cute workout outfit online (waiting anxiously for it arrive). Now I have to save my pennies so I can buy something(s) fabulous in Ireland/London next month.
Also trying to start that darned couch to 5K program
again. Am determined to run a 5K by the end of the year so I need to get a move on to beat the weather.
Oh, did you ever talk to Tawnya here? I met her in person last week. We went to lunch and hung out for the afternoon, it was fun. It's a little weird to meet someone for the first time that you've known virtually for a year and a half. Luckily neither one of us is a homicidal maniac.
I do so enjoy your updates about life on the ranch, but I understand not wanting/needing to post anymore. I would if I had anything to report, but it's just status quo over here. I'm sure I'll need an outlet when I finally get moving on my moving plan.
Big hugs to both of you! Hope you're having a great weekend. I'm working today but off to the football game tomorrow!
Pearl and Kara,
You two fine ladies are welcome to hijack my thread anytime!
I've missed you both.
And, yes, a little light hearted chat is more than welcome. Perfect, actually.
I'm afraid I can't chime in on the shopping adventures at this point, but once the D is all said and done and I get back on solid ground financially....I just might have to make up for lost time!
I know you two don't update your threads but I would love to know more about how you are both doing.
I just realized that yesterday was my DB anniversary.
Wow.
When I think about where I was at one year ago and where I am at today, it is amazing how much has changed... how much I have changed.
I still remember what prompted me to join the boards then.
My H was away on a business trip and I had this awful, sinking feeling that she was with him... even though I still couldn't even acknowledge there was a PA at that time. And of course I found later that she was.
I was absolutely a desperate emotional wreck when I joined.
Today... sadly, my H is still in resumed contact with her... which probably means resumed A. I thought I busted that thing... and I did, for awhile. But my H is a weak and self absorbed man.
And I am a strong and confident woman who will never allow herself to be treated that way again.
I am no longer desperate, shattered, falling apart and willing to do almost anything to save my M.
I am loving myself enough to know that I deserve better, and so do my kids.
Happy anniversary to me
Happy anniversary RW! You sound great, I always knew you'd come out the other side a stronger, better person.
Happy DB anniversary!
You *do* deserve better!
Thank you for sharing such a great post!
Congrats, Rocked. You have made it far
Raising my glass to you, Rocked! There was never a doubt in my mind that you would make it AND be better than ever. I have seen you do a lot of work. You should be proud of yourself.
Apologies in advance for the hijack...
Pearl, a fun thread is in order. Where do we put it?
I don't post on my own thread because I feel I have given over too much time to the whole analyzing Mr. K and the sitch thing. I am enjoying being me and just letting go of it all. Not only have I dropped the rope, I may have thrown the pieces over a cliff
. It is a bit fraudulent for me to be in Newcomers anyway. Why is there no Oldtimers forum?
For now I will just hijack RW's thread...(j/k)
Hijack away! I will happily host a fun thread for now.
Whatever you two decide, I just wanna be in on it.
And thanks for all the encouragements my friends. Still rockin'!
Hello ladies!
Well, I'm sitting home alone on a night I should be out at a bar watching football. BF is away on a business trip so I was going to have a fun night out by myself but I'm stuck at home on the sofa. I twisted my ankle over a week ago and, long story short, now it's really hurting so I'm keeping off it for a few days. Bummer.
I saw there is a forum titled Just For Fun but haven't checked it out yet. We could set up shop over there or just hang out here for a while.
So right now I'm really wanting to buy some new fall clothes. I realized I don't have much in the mid-weight category because it's usually really hot or really cold here. I recently did buy some decadent new pajamas that were too expensive but I adore them and BF likes them too so I'm sure they'll last a long time. Also did get a few new basic tops a few weeks ago. Now I want a couple new sweaters but
must wait until we go to Ireland/England next month. My absolute favorite thing is to have someone ask where I got my shoes/bag/clothes and be able to name some far off locale. I just wish the exchange rate was a bit better! I'm going to have to be very discerning and get one or two really nice things.
That's all from my shopping chronicles. I've really been slacking on GAL activities lately. This whole job thing just takes up my time, even if it is only part-time! I'm thinking I want to take up knitting (although that won't get me out of the house unless I join a group). Or perhaps I should just make myself some jewelry. I haven't done that in a couple years but still have materials for projects.
What are you guys up to these days?
Hey Pearl,
Saw you mention your upcoming trip in the alt. Sounds fantastic! You will have to let us know your shopping as well as other adventures so we can live vicariously through you!
Not much to report on the shopping front for me but I am working on GAL. This week I am starting belly dancing! Woohoo! Very excited.
In general, I am finally getting past the fears of "who will find out?" about our sitch and just getting myself out there. I am enjoying life... going for walks, meeting friends for coffee, etc.
I have a L meeting today. First once since the original consultation, so I guess things will be moving forward. It is time.
Hope your ankle is better soon my friend!
Hi RW, Pearl
I hope the meeting with the L went well (you know what I mean!).
Hope you are doing ok.
What have I been up to? Hmm... a bit of shopping. Got 2 nice new skirts (work) and a new pants suit. Also a cute pair of shoes. I am really craving a nice new handbag in a cool color. But I am also trying to be more judicious with purchases ... We'll see. I admit that I have several pieces of clothing I have never worn and I am trying to make sure that I find a way of wearing all the stuff I have instead of buying new things
I have been mostly spending lots of time at the gym. My body is actually getting stronger which is very cool. I have been hitting a lot of the different machines. And I am seeing a little definition!!! So, its all good.
Apart from that? Dinners with friends, cinema, reading (for pleasure as opposed to reading a million M and DB books!). Back to watching tv too. Well, doing all the stuff that I somehow coudn't seem to enjoy post-bomb. Is life getting back to some sort of "normal"?
I love the idea of belly dancing!!! And making jewelry sounds fun. I saw a book called the Happiness Project. I must check it out and see what stuff the author did.
Hope you ladies are okay. Sorry about the ankle, Pearl.
So how did the meeting with the L go RW?
Kara, I'm guilty of having clothes with the tags still attached in my closet as well. I just went crazy with the retail therapy during the worst of the sitch (and the best of my figure!). So now I can't wear many of my bottoms because my bottom is back to pre-sitch size. >:( Must stop baking and snacking so I can wear the cute clothes again! This ankle thing is really getting annoying because I'm eating without working out. Have a doctor appt on Friday and hopefully he will tell me it's just bruised so taking longer to heal.
I saw that someone here recommended a book called "Put Your Big Girl Panties on and Deal With It" so I ordered it from Amazon. Hoping it will help get my butt in gear with the job hunt and getting ready to move.
Kara, are you on FB? I know RW is because we're friends. Just want to make sure I can find my faves! I'm thinking I'll be spending much less time here. I'm sad that Puppy left and I agree with his reasoning for that decision. I certainly can't be around Newbies when the only thing anyone is allowed to tell them is to play Bo Peep. Grrr.
Hope the week is going well for both of you!
Hello Ladies
The L meeting went very well. Stuff with H since that meeting... not so well. Bottom line is that (as I have noticed seems to happen often in these sitches) even though he is the one that instigated all this, had an A, talked D, etc etc etc... when I am the one who takes action and moves forward, he gets cold feet. ugh. Now I just want to move on and move forward. He accuses me of "vindictiveness" and "not putting the kids first" because I am moving too fast and pushing too hard. He wants us to remain separated for a year and "sort things out" amicably. He said in an email to me "why can't you just admit we are two decent people who got it wrong?"
His issue is that for it to move as fast as I want it to, I need grounds, which I have... but he doesn't want to admit to in a legal document.
But that's his choice. I still have ways I can move this forward, with or without his cooperation.
On a more positive note... LOVING the belly dancing! I have lots to learn and it is more of a work out than people would think but it is so fun! And I am doing it together with D14 which is even better.
Now that I am in the process of separating our finances, I am actually in much better shape financially. I am getting on my feet and even sqeezing in a little bit of room here and there for a few splurges on me. No big ticket items yet but a few cute belts and scarves to spruce up the wardrobe. I also decided to splurge on some highlights for my hair.
I am also finding life is getting back to "normal" in terms of doing things I used to do pre-bomb... reading , watching TV etc. And, I actually have put a few pounds back on too, but just enough to actually look healthy. People aren't asking me if I have an eating disorder anymore! LOL
I am sad about Puppy too, although I also understand. I find I am also here less and less. So Kara.... YES would love to see you in the alt!
Bottom line is that (as I have noticed seems to happen often in these sitches) even though he is the one that instigated all this, had an A, talked D, etc etc etc... when I am the one who takes action and moves forward, he gets cold feet. ugh.
Ugh. I know exactly how annoying that is. And have no idea WHY some of these WAS' do that! Anyone care to crack that one?
Bellydancing sounds FUN
Re: the weight gain, I kind of miss the LBS diet! Yes, yes, yes, I know it was very unhealthy. I was scared to get a cold because I thought it could easily spiral into pneumonia. But damn if I didn't look good! Plus I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce. I never lost my appetite so I was eating burgers and potatoes and chocolate shakes. Now I've gained 12 pounds in the past two months! Ack! And I feel fat and ugly which makes me sad which just makes me want to eat more. Grrr.
Rocked, you just do what's best for you. Do not let H's words get to you. What's best for you is what's best for the kids now. You need to take care of you in order to properly take care of them. H is just pissed off because he doesn't get to control how this is going down. He wants to put on the brakes to regain that control. If you have proof of the A then you have grounds and can file and move forward.
Always remember that you did try everything to save your M. You gave him space, you let him come back and wanted to work things out. H is the one who wouldn't agree to go to counseling. H is the one who chose his relationship with OW over his M and his family. His choices, his consequences.
Hugs!
I agree w/Pearl on everything.
I have gained 15 pounds since this time last year, all of it in about 2 months Jan/Feb while the divorce was being finalized. I can't seem to shake it! Grr...
And my IC has to remind me that I did everything I could, he chose to leave, so don't let him put the guilt on me. Same goes to you...
Hello ladies, how are you all especially you RW?
I now have my lovely new laptop so can sneak back on here and check in with you all, seems Ive missed quite a bit over the summer hols, whats all this about Puppy leaving? What a pity if he has, its hard to give all to your M/R and help on here all the time.. Im now back at work and by the time I get my chores dones its 8.30pm and we have a 9pm cuddle watershed so not too much time to come on here and see whats going on,
Anyway hope your all well will try and mooch round and see how you are all doing xxx
They said Puppy got banned. Seems odd as he gave some great advice.
There was a post about how people shouldnt expose affairs to everyone, that it goes against MWD's DB tactics, etc. I was able to read some of his post (PDT) before he left and he said he felt censored, etc. That was before the site was down for some days.
And my IC has to remind me that I did everything I could, he chose to leave, so don't let him put the guilt on me. Same goes to you...
Yep and keep reminding yourself of that. You tried. He walked. Not your problem. At least you were a good person who wanted to work on your M, which is what you're supposed to do! DUH! LOL. The WAS' have a strange view of reality.
Re: the weight gain, I kind of miss the LBS diet! Yes, yes, yes, I know it was very unhealthy. I was scared to get a cold because I thought it could easily spiral into pneumonia. But damn if I didn't look good! Plus I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce. I never lost my appetite so I was eating burgers and potatoes and chocolate shakes. Now I've gained 12 pounds in the past two months! Ack! And I feel fat and ugly which makes me sad which just makes me want to eat more. Grrr.
LOL I hear ya Pearl... that was one silver lining in this whole mess! I was joking with a good friend of mine the other day who is struggling with her weight... "hey, all you have to do is find some man to cheat on you and abandon you and it will all melt away!" We had a good chuckle about that. It is good that I am getting to the point that I can laugh about those things.
I do miss being able to eat anything I want. That was kind fun!
How is your ankle doing Pearl? Are you able to start walking/running again?
Try belly dancing... or some form of dance. It is a good work out, especially when you practice every day. The extra bonus is that it is fun, and also helps you tap into your feminine/sensual side which I think we need after we have been through rejection/abandonment experiences.
I am starting to feel like I am hot stuff!
"hey, all you have to do is find some man to cheat on you and abandon you and it will all melt away!"
Excercise sound like a lot more fun.
And my IC has to remind me that I did everything I could, he chose to leave, so don't let him put the guilt on me. Same goes to you...
Yep and keep reminding yourself of that. You tried. He walked. Not your problem. At least you were a good person who wanted to work on your M, which is what you're supposed to do! DUH! LOL. The WAS' have a strange view of reality.
BBJ and Sol... thank you! You are both right and in my heart of hearts I know this to be true. Most of the time I can remember this. I have realized that minimizing contact with H is best for me right now. When I don't have him accusing/manipulating I can remember these truths and move forward in my healing. I do have peace of mind and heart that I did all I could and then some. I know you ladies can rest in that for yourselves too. (((Hugs)))
Hello ladies, how are you all especially you RW?
I now have my lovely new laptop so can sneak back on here and check in with you all, seems Ive missed quite a bit over the summer hols, whats all this about Puppy leaving? What a pity if he has, its hard to give all to your M/R and help on here all the time.. Im now back at work and by the time I get my chores dones its 8.30pm and we have a 9pm cuddle watershed so not too much time to come on here and see whats going on,
Anyway hope your all well will try and mooch round and see how you are all doing xxx
Hey beautiful lady! Glad you popped by! I am happy to hear about your new laptop! I got one too!
Always so happy to hear from you and to hear you are doing well my friend.
The whole "Puppy" thing... very unfortunate. I have a lot of loyalty to him because he helped me so much and I will always be grateful to him. I have heard his perspective and I won't get into it, but just feel it is very unfortunate that his voice will no longer be heard on this forum. 'nuff said.
"hey, all you have to do is find some man to cheat on you and abandon you and it will all melt away!"
Excercise sound like a lot more fun.
AGREED
Hiya Rocked
Went to the doctor today, ankle is just sprained. I did get my very first x-rays! It finally started feeling better yesterday so I think I'm on the mend. I've been taking my Pure Barre class a few times a week but I think I'll try to get back to 6x a week, at least until I leave for vacation.
I am interested in trying belly dancing. I knew someone years ago who took classes. I want to get back into tap and lindy hop, just a matter of money right now.
No contact sounds like a good idea to me. Keep it strictly to info about the kids and finances, via email. Give yourself the space you need and deserve.
Spent a good part of the day Saturday packing at the house in preparation for my move Oct. 22-23. I tried to view it as a task to be completed, and also focus on the positives. I am excited about my new place and that helps.
But... of course that was not so easy. H was not around which made it easier, but the kids were so I held it together while packing. The kids stayed to spend the night with their dad, so after I drove away with a load of boxes, I cried like a baby the whole 30 min. drive to my parents' place.
The other thing that was hard was that the wedding portrait we have always had in our bedroom for twenty years had been taken down. I don't know what he did with it, but it's not there. The other wedding photos that were on shelves in the living room were turned around. I took all those with me to store away. I guess he can keep the wedding portrait and do what he wants with it. It used to be very precious to me.
What have others done with wedding photos/mementos? I find this is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Anyway, on a positive note... I am planning a housewarming party for myself when I am moved in. I am getting back to focusing on the positives and celebrating the good.
(())
Hope things start becoming a little more bearable. If anyone can do this, I know it is you that can.
Seeing what your H has done...he doesn't deserve you.
I'm sure packing was tough. I'm actually dreading packing for my eventual move because I know I'll be separating out my things. Not sure what to do with wedding photos since I don't have any. I assumed I would just pack up all my pictures and store them away somewhere. It's hard because when you've been together so long everything seems to have a story involving both of you. I guess as time goes on you just get new things or new memories that are only yours and it gets easier.
Wish I was closer so I could come to the housewarming party!
I think you are right Pearl about it getting easier over time.
If you lived closer you would SO be invited!
As would all my other DB friends. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.
I just packed away love notes, pictures and mementos in a box.... I figure my daughter will want to look at them some day.
It was hard, but it must be done.... sort of ritual thing. But I didn't want to keep having to see little things over and over again.
Hi RW
How are you, sweetie? I know packing up and moving out cannot be easy. It is one of the hardest things to think about getting through. BUT this is a new chapter and I think that you are right to be excited about being in your own place etc. It is a chance to decorate and make a home. And it will be a relief to be away from all the WAS stress and in your own space.
Hi Pearl
I am not in the alt now but will definitely have to join to talk to you girls. In real life I used to spend too much time online and I decided that it wasn't the most productive way to spend my time, so I cut out FB and the like. I'll just have to learn how to manage my time better and not be seduced by all those games!
Hugs to all.
Hi sandycay,
How are you?
Everyone has their own way of dealing with what to do with the mementos from an H or W when preparing for a D.
The weekend my H was away at his daughters, I worked 6 hours going through everything H had given me-keepsakes, stuffed animals, cards, love letters, the whole 9 yards as it is said. I tossed most everything out. The more beautiful love letters and cards, I placed in a box along with our wedding album and put it in H's home office. When he arrived back home, he saw the box and said "are there things in there you want me to have". I said yes, nothing more.
I felt okay about it all. I cried, got mad, cried some more when I went through everything as I don't want a D. I did feel somewhat "cleansed" of my pain after I tossed out the memorabilia. The pictures of H and I together were the hardest to deal with, these went into the round file too.......
Hang in there.
Good morning Friends
GW! Nice to see you pop back on my thread and thank you for your kind words. You are a good friend and I hope all is going well with Mrs. GW.
Kara, hiya Hun! I am doing well. Yup its hard and in just over a week I will be (mostly) done with that. I can't wait. I am visualizing myself in my new place pouring myself a glass of wine and taking a nice long bubble bath to celebrate my new chapter.
Sandy and Susan... thank you both for popping by. I appreciate your perspectives. I think that I need to just put all of that stuff in a box and store it away for now. I am not ready to go through it all and I feel it would set me back in my progress right now. Some day I will. Just not now. And that's OK.
I am having dinner out with a friend tonight and looking forward to that.
Then keep on planning my move and my party
Rocked, that sounds like a good plan.
Kara, I don't do any FB games. I already spend too much time there as it is, so that's a rule I stick to hard and fast.
Hope you managed to pack away your precious things without too much heartache hun! I remember going to get S's birth cert out whilst H was awal and finding my wedding photos and marriage cert.. Honestly I thought it would leave me in tears but I just felt the waste and totally cold..
Wish I was near enough to come to the house warming, definitely feel the need to party x
Hello Rabbit (((hugs)))
I did ok with all that... I am going to leave things in boxes for now and deal with it later.
I am focused on the move and the positives right now. Time to start a new chapter for me.
All the pain and trauma of the past year and a half has prompted much change, and a lot of personal growth. And I am now making great changes for me and the kids.
However... lest any of my good friends think I am not dealing with stuff... don't worry.... I still am. I still am seeing my IC and processing my grief and loss... the anger and betrayal. I still have a good cry every so often, although not nearly like before. I still have waves of anger the pop up but they pass a lot more quickly now.
So, overall doing well. And excited to be in my new place.
Oh, we can have a housewarming right here! I am going to bring some gifts which I will make from my handy dandy super Martha Stewart craft book! Just let me know your colour scheme, sweetie!
Actually, I just love decorating and while I don't usually MAKE handcrafted stuff I do watch a lot of shows where it is made and I always admire it ever so much!!! (Just like how I used to "watch" workout videos).
I am so happy for you, RW. I will be right over as soon as you send my handmade invitation with your personal RW seal on the envelope.
Hey Rocked, thanks for checking in on my posts.
I have been following your posts along.
I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"
It's there, should I ever want to look at it. If 20 years go by and I haven't opened it, I will just chuck it. Yeah, there's pictures in there of friends and the house and what not--but you know, it's just stuff to drag around.
I have pictures of my friends and all in my head. Probably not worth the heartache to keep the physical photo albums around and trip over them every so often.
It's different with kids, I'm sure. They want pix of their dad.
I look forward, as always, to hearing about your new home and new life.
Keep up the good work, keep posting.
Oh, we can have a housewarming right here! I am going to bring some gifts which I will make from my handy dandy super Martha Stewart craft book! Just let me know your colour scheme, sweetie!
Actually, I just love decorating and while I don't usually MAKE handcrafted stuff I do watch a lot of shows where it is made and I always admire it ever so much!!! (Just like how I used to "watch" workout videos).
I am so happy for you, RW. I will be right over as soon as you send my handmade invitation with your personal RW seal on the envelope.
KARA you are awesome!
That invitation is already in the mail! I spent all day making the ink from plants and herbs in my garden and scalloping the edges with pinking shears!
My colour scheme is browns, reds and sage green... so I will be expecting those crafts lickity split!
BUT.... I LOVE the idea of having a housewarming right here! Hmmm.... I will look at my schedule and pick a date and time and anyone who wants to hang out with me here... I'll be posting all about my place and my life.
ooohhhhh maybe I should have a "virtual" housewarming party in the alt! Kara... that means you have to be there.... that means you need to sign up for FB! (aha! I may have finally found a way to get you there!)
Hey Rocked, thanks for checking in on my posts.
I have been following your posts along.
I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"
Hey... now there's an idea! LOL
But, you are right... it IS different with kids. I am going to have to sort through things for them. When I am ready. Which is not now. And that's OK with me.
I am glad you are getting stronger and moving forward my friend.
I can bake treats for the housewarming! I'll dig through my Martha Stewart cupcake book for something appropriate.
I'm going on vacation tomorrow and will be back on November 3. So if you can't wait for me to get back, have fun and we'll have a cocktail party later!
I can bake treats for the housewarming! I'll dig through my Martha Stewart cupcake book for something appropriate.
I'm going on vacation tomorrow and will be back on November 3. So if you can't wait for me to get back, have fun and we'll have a cocktail party later!
OOOHHH just call us the Domestic Divas
Of course we will wait for you Pearl! It just wouldn't be a party without you! You can regale us with stories of your travels and shopping when you get back.
Sounds like a girl's-only party so far...someone's got to monitor the wildness though. I'm always ready to donate my time to a good cause
Sounds like a girl's-only party so far...someone's got to monitor the wildness though. I'm always ready to donate my time to a good cause
Awww how very generous of you!
Girls only? That's no fun. The more the merrier!
But... the catch is you gotta contribute something.... so, what ya got?
Well, Rocked, I do declare. I am just anxiously camped out by the mailbox shifting from one foot to the next as I await the arrival of your invitation. Which you painstakingly prepared in your best calligraphy as per the instructions in your favorite craft book book! Which you keep by your bedside in case you have a late night creative urge! I have never tried the plant and herb ink but thanks ever so much for the tip. It will come in handy for sure!!! I hope the inks are all different colors.... (rubbing hands in glee).
Domestic Divas are in the house! This housewarming will be simply divine.
ImprovedRomeo, of course boys are invited. But you must bring something that you have crafted from your own fair hands. So, as Rocked said...what ya got?
Talk to you later. Rocked, I must return to making that throw cushion which I have carefully coordinated with your color scheme. The motif is a bit tricky but it is so darling, darlin'. Then its off to make cookies and homemade jams which are all part of the housewarming goodies I have planned for you. Oops, I let the cat out of the bag, didn't I?
Toodles!
But... the catch is you gotta contribute something.... so, what ya got?
So, as Rocked said...what ya got?
Ladies...it's not what you got, it's how you use it! And I know plenty of crafts
But... the catch is you gotta contribute something.... so, what ya got?
So, as Rocked said...what ya got?
Ladies...it's not what you got, it's how you use it! And I know plenty of crafts
Well... I DO declare! <fanning her face with her hand>
It's for me to know and for y'all to find out
Please tell me I havent missed the party lol! Obviously I will either be there really early or really late as I havent got a clue how ahead of me you all are.
Seriously I hope everything goes well Rocked and you have a great time setting up your new place.x
Oh my dear Rabbit... I would never let you miss the party!
I am waiting for Pearl to get back from her trip and then it is party time my friends!
So, I am all moved in. Woohoo!!!!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my place! It is so "me". You know, after being married for 20 years when you are always considering the other person's preferences in the home, it is so fun and refreshing to do things my way. I love it.
Still surrounded by boxes and putting stuff away, all the litle "touches" of decorating and making it feel like home... but that's the fun part.
The other thing going on is that the kids and I moving into our own place (as opposed to with my parents as we have been living) seems to have sparked a crisis for my H. He is now contacting me a lot and bringing up reconciliation. He says he is now suddenly doing the reading I asked him to do during piecing but never did and is realizing all kinds of things he never realized before.
Hold the phone! Nope. Let me tell you... my H is not any where near being in a healthy enough place to extend ANY trust back to or to be in a R with at this point. I told him this very clearly. But he wants to know if we can at least "talk" from time to time.
Sigh. At this point... way too little, way too late.
But, I am happy.... loving my place, loving my life. The kids are happy. Life is good.
And soon... it is party time!
Wow! that is refreshing to read
You sound so good and strong. It *is* like a huge weight lifting when you get to that point.
Congratulations and I hope you put all this behind you and enjoy life the way we all should
Just wanted to say "hi" to you Rocked and you are sounding good... actually better than good... simply awesome.
Rocked,
You are sounding great!Happy for you,my friend!
Thanks my friends. Maple! So good to "see" you again! Hope you are doing well.
Sooooooooooooo......
My H called last night and wanted to talk reconciliation again. He is now saying he will "go to any lengths" and do anything to not lose me. He said if it takes a few years to rebuild trust, then that is what he is willing to do. He kept saying he has been doing a lot of reading on healing from A's and now he knows I was right (huh, go figure!) about what needed to be done when we were piecing and he was wrong.
There was a lot more than that, but that's it in a nutshell.
At this point, it still is too little, too late for me. I told him, I don't trust his motives, I don't trust him at all period. I told him I don't see how it is even possible anymore. He just kept "validating" me and saying he just wants me to know that is where he is at.
Well, based on my experience of the past year and a half, my thinking is that OW probably turfed him and that is why this is happening. Plus, he is not making it financially on his own and me moving with the kids to my own place made it all "real".
I will never be anyone's consolation prize, and I will never be second best again. I don't know how he could prove to me that is not the case. I don't know how he could prove to me that contact with OW is truly and permanently cut off this time.
I just don't see it happening.
And, it has messed with my emotions.
So, yeah... I was doing really well. Today, I feel emotionally on edge and confused.
GRRRRRRRR. I need to see my IC asap. LOL
But, hey.... I am still gonna have a party!
GRRR, indeed!
Rocked, that's an interesting development. Funny... now you are the WAS in a way. Tables turn, always at such weird times, too.
Sounds ilke your place is awesome. Glad to hear you are setting up house.
Oh if the DB housewarming hasn't occured yet-- I'd like to come. I will bring some wine and cheese!
And this usually only happens when the LBS has really moved on. You have to decide for yourself if this person is someone you can trust and live with and potentially go through this again in the future. You're in a good place to make a clear choice here. Personally I don't think you need to indulge him at all. I'd tell him you just don't see it happening, it's just too late for that. If he's honest about his feelings etc then he'll make changes you can trust and perhaps you guys can start over slooowly in the future but of course don't tell him this nor day dream about it because all this is a big 'if'.
Do I really have to bring a culinary item? I *was* bringing the whip cream.
Wow, RW I can't even imagine.
It sounds like you are dealing pretty well with the emotions this (your H reaching out) must be causing. Of course you are going to be on edge and confused.
But as I am posting several days later, you are probably a bit more settled in your feelings.
I'm looking forward to hearing all about the housewarming.
Forget the handcrafted pillows and inks. I'm sending you satin sheets; a Japanese silk screen to stand behind and throw your satin dressing gown over; and a pair of mules with maribou feathers.
Now, that's a housewarming!
Enjoy!
Forget the handcrafted pillows and inks. I'm sending you satin sheets; a Japanese silk screen to stand behind and throw your satin dressing gown over; and a pair of mules with maribou feathers.
OOO La La!
I am lovin' that Aver!
And, Romeo... whipped cream is good too.
Well, it looks like the kids will be with their dad for the weekend so not only is it party time, it is ME time. I am getting ready for the IRL party on Saturday night and then I'll be throwing my virtual party for you folks.
About my H's "about face".... well.... TBH I am not giving it all that much thought. Maybe that is strange given the fact that I've thought about little else in the last year and a half. But, truly, I can NOT let him have any more power to mess with my emotions and thoughts at this point. I have been to hell and back, not once but twice. I am finally doing well.
I am feeling strong, confident, great about myself and enjoying my life. The kids are doing well and seem to have adapted to the situation quite well. I have great support and a good, secure job. As I said to my dear friend G yesterday, "What's not to like?"
So, I am on my path, and loving it.
He is on his. What he chooses to do is up to him. If he does the work for himself, and it is real and true and HUGE changes are made.... who knows what the future holds.
But who he is now... I choose not to have in my life, other than co-parenting.
OK, now on to much more important things..... party planning!
Update time!
My party was awesome.
Had around 15 or so people over... great friends, great food, great wine, great music. A good time all around. And the best part was the amazing sense of support I felt. All of those people came because they want to support me in this new chapter in my life. They brought me gifts and cards and... WINE! (I am well stocked for some time....
) One of my friends, as she was leaving, said... "Rocked, do you realize how many great friends you have? And the quality of those friends? It is a testimony to the kind of person you are." I thought about that for quite a while after she left and it made me feel warm all over (or was that the wine... hmmmmmm....
)
So that was all good.
The current issue is H's ongoing discussions with me about reconciliation. I am struggling with this mainly because I am feeling pressured now. On one hand, he is saying he sees how hard I fought for us and he wants an opportunity to do that now. Then in the next breath he says "Just tell me straight up if you are done for good so I can move on." You call that fighting for us? I keep saying the same thing... Right now the answer is no. You work on you, I work on me. I don't believe a word you say, so I would need to see action... and A LOT of action.
This doesn't seem to be good enough for him. Too bad. I fought for us when I had no guarantees and he kept slamming the door shut in my face. I fought with everything I had for a year and a half. If he really wants to fight, he needs to prove it. Otherwise, yup I am done.
Sounds like a great party R. My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail- I'm sure
Well you have H figured out right. He's desperate to have you back and looking for an easy 'yes' so he can feel all warm and fuzzy inside and make things easy on him. I understand that he will have to invest a lot of time, emotion and work working on himself and showing the changes so he wants to know that it's not a 100% lose lose. I don't know your background or how you feel about him but I can tell you that your recent apt move (and perhaps some other factors too) has really sent a strong signal to him. Until now he saw you someone dependant on him or someone that needed him but now he's sees that he's not all that needed by you and you're becoming stronger by the day. It's what's scaring him. He's scared you'll soon forget about him and will probably find someone else. Yep, that's what happens!
So the question is are you really done with him? Like if he became who he once was that made you fall for him is there a chance? If yes then tell him, if and only if he can be what he was like back then there maybe a chance. If he's genuine in his efforts then you can guide him, start slow by dating while living apart, do counseling etc. However, if you don't want him back even he made the changes then tell him you're done and he should move on.
Sounds like a great party R. My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail- I'm sure
Well that explains why I waited at the door foreeeeeevvvverrrr and no Romeo! LOL
No worries... you can still attend my virtual party when I throw it.
So the question is are you really done with him? Like if he became who he once was that made you fall for him is there a chance? If yes then tell him, if and only if he can be what he was like back then there maybe a chance. If he's genuine in his efforts then you can guide him, start slow by dating while living apart, do counseling etc. However, if you don't want him back even he made the changes then tell him you're done and he should move on.
Well... I don't know if this answers the question of whether I am done... but I have ZERO interest in guiding him, dating him etc. When my phone goes off and it is him, I cringe. When I see him I can't wait til he is gone. Is that done? Or is it just that I finally reached my limit?
I can't think of him being who I fell for... he was 19 when we met. So long ago....
So odd... when I loved him very deeply for over twenty years. Now, I feel nothing.
Yet... there is twenty years and three kids and what was once a good M. That's why I keep telling him to work on him.
Could I love him again if those changes were made? I don't know because my big issue is trust and it has been damaged so badly.
So give me your feedback folks... does this mean I am done?
I am trying to see my IC and she is booked up! Grrr
Well helloooo again.
Are you done rocked? Umm, depends on how you define done I guess.
I would say that even if you reconcile, be it the first time, or "second" time round, or whatever, you ARE done. Done with the M that had existed before, done with letting your own happiness be a hostage to someone else's madness.
Good that you are letting him work at things now. He has manning up to do. Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.
And what's this about a party? :P
You're done with him...NEXT!
Seriously though, you've gone through a lot and now that you're finally here and begining to reconstruct your life and actually enjoying it he wants to drag you back down into the mess again. Very understandable what you feel and I would feel the same way.
Since you were the one who did all the work trying to fix your R with him, you took the time, put in a lot of effort, at this point you know you did everything you could that is why you can feel ok with getting your life and freedom back and living for yourself. In that time you learned a lot about yourself and him- and your feelings for him changed over time. Now that he's pursuing you and hounding you it's even more unattractive. If he would offer the option to you once and then slip into the background and truly work on himself perhaps you will wonder and have more respect and attraction for him. We all learn this the hard way but especially women need to feel respect for their man or else they won't find them attractive. The respect comes from when men respect themselves, sure there are tough times in life and we lose things near and dear to us but we need to process things internally rather than completely breaking down, crying, begging and pleading.
Anyway, you decide what you want to do and you don't have to make that decision now! However, if I were you I'd say to him at this juncture in your life you just need some time and space for yourself, you don't want to discuss anything at this time. Over time if things change you'll let him know. This way if he really wants you back he'll do the work quietly knowing it may work or it may not- that's for him to decide for himself. If not then you've set both of you free. Just my humble opinion.
BTW, I only charge half of what your IC does and my schedule's looking pretty open today...and for the next few years
Great that I am getting some male perspective here, thanks!
Deep... my friend...'bout time you showed up again! Sheesh, how was I supposed to invite you to the biggest bash of the year?
Don't worry... you'll get an invite!
Deep and Romeo, thank you for both confirming two important things for me: 1. this is my decision to make and no one can make it for me, and 2. I don't need to make it now.
Thank you also for validating why I feel the way I do. You know how we women like that kinda stuff!
Romeo... I pretty much said to him last night what you suggested. I asked him for space and time, to stop pressuring me and to focus on working on himself. He is falling apart and it is very unattractive. I need him to man up and handle things on his end and pull himself together. Right now there is no respect and no trust. And it really makes me feel suspicious of his intentions to want to reconcile. I know this is mindreading, but it really feels like I am being manipulated. Good ol' faithful, devoted Rocked will once again fix things and pick up all the pieces and make it all okay.
Nope. Not gonna happen. So yeah... space, time, keep focusing on me and the kids. I am enjoying my life right now.
So... have had a rough day today.
As you can see from my thread, for the most part I have been doing really well.
Anyone who has followed my sitch would know I struggled with anxiety at different points. I have been largely anxiety free now for several months. Today it was back full force.
Well, it's pretty clear why.
H is not doing well and his life is falling apart. Some of that will affect me... particularly re: finances and kids.
And as detached as I finally have become... it is still hard to not be affected by this.
I have said in previous posts that I don't feel anything for him. In terms of the love I used to feel, that is true. But I am not a cold hearted b***h. I am a very compassionate, giving person... and I don't like to see anyone suffer.
Yes he "made his own bed". But it's still hard.
Anyway, I need to get my focus back on what I CAN control... me, my choices, the direction my life is going.
A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"
I can't go back to that. Not. ever.
Rocked ... that you was a you of the past. It won't ever happen again that way, simply because.
Detached is good - detached however, doesn't mean being detached from reality. And there's good reasons to be affected by practical concerns of H's going to pieces. Take care of business first and tell him you expect the same from him. Leave the M / feelings / future to later. Make it blindingly clear to him that he is not to mess up the kids and finances more than he has already done.
It's not about getting even, being a b****h, helping him etc. It's him getting to a place where it makes sense for the 2 of you to be together, and happy being so. If you ever get together again, it's because it's healthy for you first, and then also healthy for BOTH of you.
If you think he deserves this much, make it clear to him what you need to see to even think about it, and help him understand that. The rest is up to him.
And by the way, the last time I was at a women-dominated bash ( a long time ago I admit) I seem to remember the tips were pretty good. :P
Rocked,
I remember how often you talked me through the anxiety...you have it in you, you know how to conquer this. So do it.
I sense guilt from you TBH. A little bit of guilt about how strong you have become and how weak your H now is to you in your eyes. That is probably natural, and it is against your nature to not fix things, so you are having an internal struggle. But the strong Rocked we all know will prevail on the internal struggle.
No one can tell you what you should do on this one...heck I'm not sure you would listen!
But I agree with the others...take your time. There is no rush. You are so far beyond tactics and what should you do...this is just about you living life until you are ready to make a decision. Leave him in limbo land, so what, he has done nothing to deserve any more.
Today will be a good day for you...I sense it.
A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"
I can't go back to that. Not. ever.
You are healing
I think that's great. See how far you have come? It's amazing how you can think back to how absolutely destroyed you were and now you are happy and smiling and carefree--so much so that even your friends notice. It's awesome!
Love the new name change, btw!
Hi sweetheart!
Good to hear about the good bits, (()) for the bad bits.. H is like your kids now, you might always love them (in a family way not a H way) but you might not like what they do or how they behave, even more so if their behaviour affects your life!
Listening to my S I am some times horrified what comes out of his mouth, I never taught him that life has, I love him but dont like what he does see? But despite all of this we still feel some responsibility for how they behave,
Just keep focusing on what you can do some thing about and what you can change, distance yourself from his behaviour and look after yourself hun..
Well heres to many more parties! Cheers x
Hiya Rocked
I'm glad to see that your RL party went well. When's the virtual party?
If Mr.Rocked is serious about wanting back in and you decide that you will try again, he will do what it takes and give you the space and time to let him back in. Simple. You know that you can make it without him , so you will not be operating from a place of fear and desperation.
WAS can't walk away or run from themselves and the truth forever, as much as they'd like to. That's why they keep their lives in a state of constant busyness. So that they don't have time to slow down and think and confront their emotions head-on. That may not be an entirely fair statement, though. I think they do deal with pain at some point - the pain of having unmet needs in a M is what leads many of them to an affair or to walk away. Having felt that pain, they then needed to take subsequent steps in dealing with that pain within the M instead of outside.
Rocked, continue to be your absolutely fabulous self. And I will certainly continue to be mine. Yes, modesty may not appear to be my strong suit but a woman's gotta know her self-worth. I will never settle for less than what I deserve from a man and I know you won't either!!! I think we are ready for world domination, sweetie!!!
Hi Rocked!
I'm back from vacation and ready for the virtual housewarming party! Although I picked up a nasty cold in London so will refrain from offering hugs so I don't spread any viruses.
I know it's confusing and difficult when your WAS comes around after you've walked away. It rocks your emotional boat just when you thought you finally were sailing into smooth waters.
You're absolutely right to not settle for his half-assed attempt to get back together. He needs to work on himself and prove through his actions that he is ready, willing and able to do the necessary hard work. And he's starting out in a hole that he dug with his previous actions. You don't owe him anything at this point so take as much time to decide as you need. He should be doing the work without any guarantee from you anyway.
I'm crawling back into bed to rest up for the party.
I am always amazed at the support and insights you all give me.
Deep, thanks for your thoughts... you have always helped me look at things from a slightly different angle, and always made me think. The distinction between being detached from H but not reality is so important.
GW... I helped you with anxiety b/c... as you know... I know all too much about it. You really made me think about whether I am feeling guilt that I am doing well when he is not. I didn't realize it but I think you are right my friend. Thanks for pointing that out because now I can make a choice to release it. I have nothing to feel guilty about.
Ladies... you are the best! Thanks for all the encouragement and sharin' the love!
OK... now the important stuff: my virtual housewarming party! I was waiting for Pearl and now that she has once again graced us with her lovely presence, we are ready to PARTAY!
I don't have my plans for the weekend firmed up yet so I will get back to ya on that.... standby!
(p.s. Deep... if you were getting tips like that, there must be a good reason... so you are most definitely invited!
)
[/quote]A friend who came to my party on Saturday told me how she noticed how calm and relaxed I was at the party. She also has walked with me through most of my sitch.
She said, "Rocked, I will never forget when you were laying on my couch completely traumatized and barely able to function... and now look at you!"[quote]
This ^^^, Rocked.
Yeah. I got much the same comment at my Transition Marking Event--my friend pointed out how many people were there for me, happy to be there, even though I had spent the past year weeping drunkenly to them at all occasions.
The gift of friends is a true blessing--here's to you and all your friends, here and in RL!
Steady as she goes...don't let H "rock" you--you are Ruling, now, and let him catch up if he can.
If not, I know from your FB that you are beautiful, funny, smart, wonderful--and some lucky guy is going to reap the benefit of all the hard work you have been doing.
Well Pearl the reason you picked up that nasty cold is you came to london and never came and partied with me lol! Hope your feeling better now x
Rocked glad you are getting things in perspective hope you can get your head round what you and dont want for the future x
Rabbit, I didn't realize you're in London! I thought you were out of town. Had I known I would definitely have rung you up for an evening in the pub. FYI, the Book of the Dead exhibit at the British is pretty cool. My friend works there and got us in on the staff preview day. And the cold continues to kick my butt! You sure have nasty viruses over there.
Rocked, hope all is well at your new pad. Keep the focus on taking care of business and taking care of yourself. And have some fun!
LOL Pearl only teasing I live about an hour and half outta london although its easily accessable by train! Couldnt live in the town Im a country girl at heart! Thanks for the tip about the exhibition I love egyptian history well history in general, hope youre feeling better now x
Hey, Rocked...party over here?
Pearl, hope you are feeling better. The worst flu I ever had I picked up in London. I don't know what's up with that...
Well folks now that I am so good at GALing my weekend just filled right up!
So... I will have a virtual housewarming party next weekend... I promise! But, with my busy social calendar I have a few things on the go for next weekend too so I will still have to firm the details later.
I am thinking I will set a day and time and then people can post here and/or in the alt.
Plus... I know the suspense is going to make you all want to attend my party even more!
Another good news item.... had to go to the house yesterday to get a few things. H wasn't there (which is why I went when I did). I got what I needed, and was there a total of about 5 minutes. But, it was the first time since moving out I didn't have an emotional response to being there. I felt great! I felt sorta "matter of fact" about it.. did what I needed to do and got outta Dodge. It was so freeing and empowering to feel that!
Talked to G about it later and he said "stick a fork in it... you're done!" I think he is right. As a matter of fact, with each passing day I am more convinced of it.
And, that is such a relief. I have peace. After a year and a half of pain, to have peace....well, I don't need to explain it to you folks.
As for now, I have a great life to live and another party to plan!
That's a lot of good news Rocked! I'm glad things are turning better for you...it's time and you're ready. Of course, there will still be moments here and there but they get fewer and less painful. You almost have to force yourself to not let your mind wander or spend too many cycles on it.
Oh and if the invitation doesn't get lost in the mail this time I just might join you!
So I hear a party is being planned....
Just wanted to say....your positive attitude just radiates from your posts.
Cheers.
Peace...is golden. You are doing SO well. hugs.
Rocked, I'm happy to hear that you're happy! I understand the relief that comes with knowing you're done and moving forward. I also understand the pain that comes with uncertainty. No matter what happens in the future I know that you're a confident woman who knows her own worth and will continue to learn and grow.
Thanks for waiting for me to hold the party, makes me feel special.
Now I just hope I'm available when you throw it! You know, we're all adults so if you want to have a party on a school night I think we could make it work. I wouldn't want to interfere with all your fab GAL activities on the weekend!
Rabbit, after a week in Ireland I was
done with the countryside and was happy to be in the hustle and bustle of the big city! I do want to see some of England in the future though.
Kara, I think I have this cold licked <knocks on wood> but BF is still suffering. I think he's not drinking enough water though, so it's on him. I just don't want to keep passing these germs back and forth.
Looking forward to the party!
Now, to plan what to wear...I guess I can put on my own virtual mules with maribou feathers, right?
Glad to hear about the feeling of peace.
Good good good.
November 9, 2009 was what I have called the "Hiroshima of my life".
It was the day I had to hear the words from someone else that my H was in a full blown PA. It confirmed what my gut knew but my head and heart could not believe to be true.
November 10, 2009 I went to the doctor, got medication, started my stress leave at work, went to see my IC for the first time, then went home... medicated myself and lay in a fetal position on the bathroom floor til I had to pull myself together when the kids came home.
I wasn't telling people in my life yet what was happening, so I came here. And Puppy Dog Tails and many others "held my hand" and somehow helped me pick myself up and find a way to get through. There are so many people to mention from my support system here but I don't want to start as I would hate to forget someone. I made special mention of Puppy because he played a crucial role for me in surviving that time. I am sad that he is not able to continue to do that for others here.
Since then, I have learned so much and grown in incredible ways that I never thought possible. I need to make special mention of someone else that made that possible. That someone is my dear brother, Gnosis. I know contact off the boards is "discouraged". Well, you know what? I am not exaggerating when I say that my ability to contact Gnosis in times of greatest need saved my life. He is a wise, compassionate, patient, very generous man. He can also swing a 2x4 like nobody I know and he knows I sure needed it sometimes. G... you are my brother and I will be eternally grateful for what you did for me. And, my dear Serenity... who when asked if she has a minute for me gives the same answer every time... "Always". You are a beautiful and precious woman.
All of you who have ever posted on my threads and/or communicated with me in the alt... you are deeply, deeply appreciated... more than I have words for. I just don't want to start naming names as I don't want to leave anyone out. I truly consider you family.
So today...
one year later...
I am at peace.
I feel joy.
I feel confident.
I have tremendous self worth.
I know what I deserve and I know I will never settle for less.
I am embracing life and seeing many gifts and blessings.
My kids are doing well.
Life is good.
So November 9, 2010 is a day of celebration!
HEEEEYYYYYYY..... I am gonna have my virtual housewarming party TONIGHT! Just thought of that now.
I know it is short notice but what a great way to turn this day around!
Sooooooo....... it's party time my friends! Let's celebrate!
Anytime it is convenient for you, go ahead and post either here or in the alt that you are attending my party and I will respond.
It's a great day!
Party on, dudess.
You rock.
We rock.
We all rock.
I'm so there!
Avermont
RW,
You're very welcome sister. There is one thing I need to point out and that is this:
- When I set you a task, you went out and DID it.
- You conquered your various fears. You summoned up the courage and pushed forth... to victory. And that is the key to everything.
- You focused on the truth and discarded the lies
OK, so it's more than one thing... sue me.
YOU did the work. YOU reap the rewards.One last thing, none of this could have been accomplished without your trust.
God bless you. It's an honor to know you, to be your friend and to call you my sister.
Rocked ~
My dear sister... No matter the time, no matter the day, I always have time for you...Our brother pointed me to your post this am, most likely because he knows I have makeup on and he knew I would get all teary eyed reading it (He is all about making me cry as you very well know).
You are a beautiful woman with a heart of gold, never deserving of (not that any of us are) what life has handed to you, yet you handled it with Grace and walked through the fire with His Mercy.
I am proud to call you friend, honored to call you sister and humbled to have you on my path.
I love you my dear friend.
I will try to be be at your virtual party later on tonight, I have a meeting after work so I most likely will be late, however I am there in spirit.
For when you are low ~ Psalm 139 (all of it)
(((((Hugs)))))
Good grief is it really a year? Well you have grown far more than you ever expected and boy you have grown into some one any of us would be proud to be! Well as its a party yes I know Im early but I will be asleep by the time it gets into full swing so heres a virtual cheers to you hun! Cheers to being your own person, woman and even though you are always a mum (no retirement plan on that one lol) you are now an individual. That is key what ever role we end up playing we must never forget we are all after all an individual. Have a lovely party sweetheart, and heres to a much more promising year for you xx
Rocked, baby...
So very, very proud of you! You rock!!!
Lovely party, by the way. And you look fab. Am I too early? I expected to see everyone here already drinking (ahem)...Pearl, Serenity, Improved. No need to fix me a drink, I brought my own bottle, sweetie!
Oh look, LostRabbit has dozed off on your sofa...maybe you should crank up the music.
Did Improved really make these smores? They are the best ever.Such a cute idea. Where are Pearl's cupcakes?
I do like what you've done to the place, dear. Its so you!!!
Avermont, nice outfit
Excuse me a sec, gotta go speak to some of my peeps over there...btw did you notice my new shoes? I got them just for tonight...
I'm here for the party! I've brought a bottle of my favorite Riesling, Eroica. It's dry, not sweet, and everyone who has tried it loves it. I've also brought my masterpiece Martha Stewart cupcakes: salted caramel filled dark chocolate cupcakes. Don't worry, they're mini so you can have a couple.
Rocked, you're a fabulous hostess! The place is darling. Love the homey feeling.
Think I'll make the rounds and see who else is here. I see Kara holding court in the corner so I must check out her shoes...
Well now that Kara's here.... the party is starting!
I hope Pearl checks to see that this is goin' on... I have been waiting for her cupcakes too.. and to see what she will WEAR!
Speaking of that... your shoes are to die for Kara! You look stunning!
Thanks for the compliments on the place... I did it myself.
Oh dear... you are right about poor Rabbit. She did make the hop across the pond just for this party and hasn't adjusted to the time change yet. Yup, let's get those tunes going.
Oh Kara, your glass is getting awfully empty, let's just top that up for you.
Oh, and have another s'more. You are right, Romeo did a great job... the best!
I'm bringing mini-cheesecakes!
I think this is going to be fun!
mmmmmm cheesecake!
Right now I am playing R E S P E C T by Aretha. You think that will wake Rabbit up?
Hi RW! Just wanted to pop in and say that you are still my hero! Hope you are having a great time! Party on!!!
Yoo-hoo, everyone!
Avermont checking in, after a late work day.
I'm sure the party is still rocking and rolling.
Why, I've got on my snug-fitting jeans and some kick-butt boots. So I am lookin' and feelin' fine!
RW-here's some bread and salt to bless the new home.
I remembered that you had plenty of wine from your RL party, so I brought a set of of wine glasses. If your parties are any good at all, you are sure to lose a glass or two, and need a new set.
Hi, gang, it's great to meet you all in person! there's so much catching up to do--but wait--who put on Abba? Dancing Queen, here I come!
Whoo-hoo!
Right behind you avermont!
Did I say that?
woohoo! Looks like everyone is having fun. Just stopping by to say "hi" and drop off a bouquet of flowers for you Rocked...
Cheesecake. My fav. Might have to have some.
Pearl! Somehow I missed your post! Not sure how that happened! So glad you made it and you look fabulous as always! The cupcakes are amazing!
CW, Maple, Desert_Rat... welcome! so glad you are here!
Aver... you ARE looking fine! And (ssssshhhhhh.... how did you know I rock out to Dancing Queen when nobody's looking?) And you cracked me up with the comment about losing wine glasses and needing more! That's exactly what happened IRL!
Hey, do I hear Dancing Queen on the stereo? Oh, I just remembered that I have emergency surgery in the morning
Great party, Kel!!
Hey, do I hear Dancing Queen on the stereo? Oh, I just remembered that I have emergency surgery in the morning
Great party, Kel!!
What? you don't want to join us with Dancing Queen?
LOL Well at least grab one of Pearl's cupcakes on your way out....
Those aren't baseballs in my coat pockets.
I've heard of Pearl's "cuppy cakes"
I now have breakfast til the weekend.
(God, I need a cooking class)
I guess I'll Take a Chance on the Dancing Queen.....
Hopefully it won't be my Waterloo.
Great party everyone! Thanks for coming!
Eh. I missed the party
But it sounds like you guys had a great time!!!
Why does my head hurt so much lol!
Why does my head hurt so much lol!
I warned you not to pound the Jaeger like that...
Jaeger bombs! Okay now I'm really sad I missed this party!
...why does my head hurt so much and my mouth taste like an old sock?
means it must have been a great party!
Seems the last thing I remember was picking up desert-rat after he over did it on Dancing Queen.
Everyone had a great time, Rocked!
...why does my head hurt so much and my mouth taste like an old sock?
means it must have been a great party!
Seems the last thing I remember was picking up desert-rat after he over did it on Dancing Queen.
Everyone had a great time, Rocked!
Yeah... that Desert_Rat showed us all up!
Well Aver... if that's the last thing you remember, I better not tell you what happened after that....
The desert_rat was happy to provide amusement!
You guys are all great, you know!
The desert_rat was happy to provide amusement!
You guys are all great, you know!
Sometimes we just gotta have some fun around here ya know
Hi Rocked!! What luck, to stop by just as the party's ending! Thank you for stopping by to say hi, I think of you often & hope you doing great! Promise to check in soon. Lots of hugs!! (((()))))
LFA... long time no see! Nice to hear from you.
Won't be posting here to much more. You can talk to me in the alt if you are wondering why.
RHW, Looking for you in the alt. Look me up, I'd love to connect! Hope you had a nice Christmas and wishing you peace in the New Year.
((((())))), LFA