I was on here years ago. It helped me a great deal to post things back then and I am hoping it will help again. My H left me and my daughter. Once we got back together after a seperation on 3 months. He put me through h#ll during that time and I suffered as we all do terribly. He came back we tried to work on the marriage then 7 months later (we had moved to another country for his work) he lost his job, moved us back to where we were living before and basically things escalated to a point where he stayed in the other country and eventually we divorced.
I never wanted the divorce. It was against my moral and ethical code but I felt compelled to file because he asked for the divorce and we were seperated (him living abroad) with hardly any contact for almost a year and a half. People told me I was stupid to wait and it was time to move on. So I filed. He never showed up for the divorce nor to get custody (joint) for our daughter. He basically seemed not bothered by the whole thing.
It's been 3 years since the divorce. And I have not moved on. I am still devasted - still emotionally scared. Still not in another relationship. Still dwelling on the past. Why it happened. Why it happened to me. I feel like I was a good wife. I know I am a good person and really loved my ex.
What hurts most is this Summer I contacted my ex. He hasn't seen my daughter nor I much in the last 3 years. I couldn't bear to see him he's hurt me soooooo much. Finally I called him told him we were going to be spending sometime in NY this Summer and I asked him to visit us.
He came - we spent time like a family. We went to shows, dinner, lunch - went sightseeing. I was so happy. I cried a lot - told him we had made a mistake - he didn't say much but agreed to talking more often etc. I was sort of hopeful. I had heard he was not involved with anyone.
Boy was I wrong!!! When I returned from NY we spoke. Once I got very emotional and I asked him point blank if we could get back together and he said no that he hd moved on. I lost it and cried and shouted asking him why he had married me in the first place if he didn't love me. I still don't buy the fact that you can love someone and then stop loving them. That's not really love then.
We stopped talking - once my cleaning lady said he has called and asked how we were. She is very close to all of us having worked for us even when we were married and she asked him if he was involved with anyone. He said no and he had said to me in NY that he was dating but not getting married. He said he might live with someone. But it had been hard for him to move on.
Turns out I found out through the internet that a month or so after I saw him in NY - he was married. He got married!!!! He lied to me in NY. I am soooooooooooooooo hurt... haven't been able to sleep or understand how someone can be so hurtful. I called him and he said it was none of my business. That I was confused in NY.
I also found out he has been living with this woman for more than 3 years. We only got divorced 3 years ago. I can't believe he could move on so quickly. What about me and our daughter. He never cared for us.... I am so hurt I can't begin to express the degree this has affected. I did everything for this man and he has treated me like garbage. But why????? I am an attractive, intelligent, cultured, caring person. Why would anyone want to abuse my heart and my life this way? What about the vows people take - how do they just not care.
Anyway, I am so sad, so hopeless these days. He was verbally abusive during my marriage. Left me not once but twice. Treated me like garbage. And somehow I feel like he's nice to this other woman. He has been an awful father.
Has not even called or sent anything for my daughter this Xmas. Please any advise would help - sorry this is so long.
Hello Ms. stillalone..
I'm sorry to read your pain.
Guess what? He left years before the divorce. He is consistent in his disregard for you and your child.
His personal life has been his business for three years. Finding out after the fact that he was involved with someone during the marriage is hurtful, but once again consistent with his actions.
How do you let go of the hurt? Why does this keep hurting so much?
It's time for you... for you to work on you. For you to take all that energy and angst you spend on him and give it to you, to your daughter.
He is the past. Giving him prime real estate in your mind will not fix anything, will not bring any understanding or validation.
Seeking counseling to help heal. Be good to you.
You're worth it.
*hugs*
Thanks so much. Everything is consistent with his past behavior. His lying to me in New York about being in a serious relationship and about getting married again. He said he wasn't serious with anyone and he wasn't planning on getting married. And then 2 months later he was married. When I called he said he had proposed and the other night on fb I found out he already is married. One lie after the other. And I was so good to him. I loved him...
I am still looking for answers. I have a hard time sleeping at night wondering why he did this to me. I wake up thinking about it. I am going to start going to counseling but in 4 years I still haven't been able to forget. This thing plagues me.
I wonder how someone can be so decietful. Is it some sort of personality disorder. I grew up with families that stayed together. Men took care of their wifes and children and didn't throw them away like garbage.
That's what I feel like - Like I was thrown away... and so was my beautiful and innocent daughter - and I don't know why. One day my husband was normal and the next day he left. A month before he had planned everything behind my back and gotten an apartment without me knowing. On his 40th bday he moved out... I didn't even know - I was on a trip and when I came back I walked into my house and everything was gone... It was devastating.
I feel like emotionally I was completly violated by this man. And this woman he's with has no idea what a monster he can be. He abused me verbally all the time and really hurt me emotionally. I feel like he is nice to this woman - but why? What was it about me that evoked such rage and wrath? Why did he hurt me? And my daughter. It's unfair. I want answers. I want to be able to sleep again and not feel like my life is over and he wins and I lose. I hate that...That's not fair because he was bad to me - shouldn't he have to suffer? Why is it I am the one who has to?
Any comments would be really helpful... I need to vent. People don't understand...no one does... All my friends are married to good guys - I am the only one who got stuck with a jerk.
No honey, you're not the only one. Please just do what Gypsy says. You are in good hands. love, Goldey
But exH made me feel like the end was my fault. And he had no empathy for my sadness or hurt - nor for my daughter's. How do you live with someone for 5 years and have a child with them and not feel sorry when you hurt them? It seems so unnatural. Why didn't I know before I married him he would end up being this way? I wish I had know before. That's why now I have to be so careful so I don't end up with someone like him again.
I have so many friends telling me I have to stop thinking neg and start thinking positive. So hard to do... I want to be positive but feel so battered down.
Gypsy, I kinda have my hands full over here. But I'm okay. All I need is a little more sleep and a new right foot. (just kidding)
Can you round up the girls? I'll come visit when time allows.
Meanwhile, stillalone...you might want to just do a little reading. Take notes.
Help is on the way.
It's going to be okay.
He is the past. Giving him prime real estate in your mind will not fix anything, will not bring any understanding or validation.
Seeking counseling to help heal. Be good to you.
You're worth it.
True THAT!
Hi Still Alone,
Please read my new thread and think about it. I can't take away your pain (I would if I could) but I understand it better than most. I felt everything that you are feeling. I also felt that he would wake up one day and "get it". Well, 8 plus years later - he does not!
You cannot change him or what he did to you. You can only change you and your reactions. Please focus on your future and that of your daughter. And let him go.
Hugs,
Barb
You cannot change him or what he did to you. You can only change you and your reactions. Please focus on your future and that of your daughter. And let him go.
Excellent advice, for many here. Thanks.
Same words were said to me many many times but it took living through it to really understand their importance. Easy to say - hard to do.
Barb
Hello--I admire you for trying one more time and it is a shame he is such a coward that he could not tell you his true situation. When you made that brave motion you allowed yourself some vulnerability and it hurt to learn that he was still the same person. He literally left everything behind, honey I know that feeling and it was after 24 years.
You sound very, extremely depressed. The guilties tell it all. His behavior is all about him and nothing to do with you. And just why would you think he is being nice to the new woman? And why would you want an abusive man back in your life? He was being abusive by lying to you besides. Passive aggressive. Bad news in a partner.
You would do well with a good clinical PhD psychologist who can help you see that you matter. Life may be hard sometimes without a man in your life, but it is much harder to deal with inappropriate guilt when you have done nothing wrong. You are doing a good thing by expressing your feelings here. Honor those feelings, pour them out, and stay strong. I never got answers as to why my x left me, see they do not want to tell because then you might offer a way to fix it and that is not what they want. And yes it could be a personality disorder but that's not the point. There are many mysteries in life, we can all ask why me God, and we will never know. It is not what happens but how we handle it. And it is not an easy path, better to learn sooner than later, that's my story and I am sticking to it:) Good luck, take a hot bath, and get some sleep. And eat. Those things will help you. Cheers, Wonder
I think the reason he did this kind of stuff is he's a lying, cheating a$$. Maybe there are some deep psychological reasons for his behavior, but that's really his problem to deal with or not, and not for you to worry/think about.
You need to realize that he's the loser, in every sense of the word. You now have the chance to move forward and have an R with someone more emotionally healthy and loving.
I do think sometimes our families influence us. I don't say that as any kind of defense, or anything, just that I've noticed that people who have lots of divorce in their family maybe come to see divorce as a quick solution to dealing with marriage problems, which come in every marriage. My X's siblings have all had several marriages already, and they're in their 40's. I do intend if I ever get in a serious R again to spend a lot of time meeting that person's family, parents, siblings, kids. I didn't think of stuff like that when I was young!!!
Exactly how I feel everyone says move on. He did - he's already married to someone else. And I can't seem to. I feel so lonely and disillusioned. Any suggestions on what to read?
Yeah, read chapters 5, 6, and 7 of 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny - they are about reclaiming the self.
Been there and done that. I have asked all those same questions to a person who sounds much like your ex. You will never know the answers and eventually you will stop caring. As my mother said about my ex " he is not a nice person." Simple, but so true. Kind people don't do what your ex did. Normal people don't do what your ex did. It takes many years of being raised in a screwed up family life to become such a screwed up individual. I am sure your ex was damaged many, many years before you guys hooked up. Such disregard for you, awful, but possibly forgiveable with work and time. The disregard for your daughter unforgivable. Don't ask GOD why you. Thank GOD for opening your eyes. Be glad that he did not have the chance to screw your daughter up the way he was screwed up by somebody. Hopefully, you are getting a nice sum for child support. Use that money to make a wonderful life for your daughter. Don't give this man any other space in your brain. Get some help professionally if you feel like you need to, but please, please don't give a damn about someone who didn't give a damn about you. Get up, brush the dirt off your shoulders, and count your blessings he left. Phew, that was a close one, but you made it out with your mind in tact. Be glad, not sad.
Thanks so much for the responses... I appreciate them tremendously. I wake up so depressed every morning. Am so tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel normal again. I want to wake up without having to convince myself I need to. Sometimes I feel like if it wasn't for my D7 needing me I wouldn't want to bother anymore. And it's in waves somedays I am fine and others I am so down.
I think a conversation last night I had with a friend also made me feel down. After my divorce I'm having a hard time dating. I am attractive etc so I have men that pursue me but then they end up losing interest. I get the she's very high-maintainence thing a lot. I think my H leaving me the way he did caused me tremendous insecurity and it's affecting my dating life too.
I'm starting to feel like I really need to forget about dating or finding a partner. I'm so torn about this. I really miss being married. I loved being married and having a family. So that really is the only thing I feel that's going to make me happy again. But at the same time sometimes I feel so damaged and so insecure I don't know if I am ever going to find someone who's going to be able to love me enough to deal with all my emotional baggage. The last too guys I dated didn't want to deal with it and both weren't interested. Needless to say I think they had they're own issues too.
hope2wrkitout - I really like what you wrote. "he is not a nice person" that's what it boils down to - doesn't it. Sometimes the simpliest concepts are the hardest to grasp.
Your destiny is not tied to anyone who can walk away from you. Maybe you shouldn't be so concerned with dating for right now. Get happy with yourself, and get happy with being alone. Others are not responsible for your happiness...you are. You gotta bring something to the table stillalone. Right now, your insecurity sticks out like a sore thumb...and that's not attractive to others. Don't rush it, and don't look to others for your happiness. All of have felt what you're feeling...and lots of us still are. I think a huge step is learning to love ourselves unconditionally...and I mean deeply. Remember, the Golden Rule is based upon the premise that we love ourselves.
Thanks antlers, you are so right. I do harbor a lot of feelings of insecurity probably feelings I had before the marriage and ones that got magnified by being with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. So now I find myself with even more issues to deal with. And like you say, the only way to deal with them is by myself. Is by learning to be happy - really happy ( and there's a big difference to looking happy and really being happy) by myself - just me and my daughter. I'm afraid that might take years and then I'll be too old to find a partner and because of all the pain inflicted by my xH I'll have spent most of the best years of my life trying to fix myself. I've spent all my thirties - met him on my 30th bday and just celebrated my 40th - wasted on him - sucks!!!
I don't want to spend the next decade undoing everything done to me - he moved on in a few months - if that even. But it just shows how little emotional investment he had in us.
Stillalone, I spent a over 20 years with my X, had 4 kids, and he walked away and married the OW 14 days after we divorced. Do I consider it time wasted? No, because I came out of it with 4 beautiful children. How can I regret it when I have them because of the relationship. I spent some time mourning the loss of my family, then I realized that I am still a family with my kids. You also have a family, your daughter. Celebrate what you have as you move out of mourning what you feel you lost. Over time I came to realize that the relationship I was mourning never really existed. I was mourning an idealized version of my marriage. It sounds like you may be stuck in that phase also. Take time to evaluate what you had then and what you have now, and learn to rejoice in the now. Live in the present, you will find happiness.
I have an appointment with a couselor today. I went to him once before. It was a good session. He made me feel better basically saying I should be happy to be out of the marriage because my XH seemed to have a personality disorder and I seemed to be exhibiting signs of being a battered wife. I was never physically battered by the way. But he was very cruel to me.
I wish I could forget the past. Even this morning I wake up thinking over and over how could this have happened. That I have no future. That I'll never be happy again... Just really negative things. And I pray and pray that I will just be able to be more positive.
I think the fact that I live in a very small place makes things tough. All my friends are married. All are building their lives with their partners. Having children, building their dream homes and at 40 I just don't even know what's going to happen to me.
I am so afraid... But I need to be strong and I need to move on and I need to just be positive. I just have the tendency to look at the glass half empty rather than half full.
Mornin' stillalone.
Time. That's the answer that none of us like, but it's the one that does the most good. It takes time, and it can't be rushed. During the passage of that time, it is crucial that we continue to learn and grow, read, pray, talk, get counseling, get out and do things, be with friends, raise our kids and be great parents to them, etc.. It's like walking through the forest, and you can't see anything else because of all the trees. Keep walking, and the trees will eventually start to thin out, and you can see more. And then you keep on walking, and eventually you'll come to a rise, where you can look all around and see everything. It's work, for sure...and it requires a commitment.
Stillalone,
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. It seem unbearable at times, I know. It's tough when people say these things like you deserve better, time will heal, but they are true. It doesn't help things right now in the moment but sounds to me as though he was pretty selfish. Obviously.
I too don't understand how anyone can do that to their child. Three years?? It's tough and heartbreaking! Easier to avoid it then deal with it I'm sure. That's how my H thinks and operates. It is tough to let go, I know I"m struggling with the same thing. I've been telling myself lately I need to be with someone who will value me, respect me, and put into the relationship what I do as well. Worth more. You sit and wonder maybe if I would've done this or that or why or how! I know I think these are pretty normal feelings, questions, emotions.
Are you doing any counseling yourself?
Antlers - thanks - such wise words. Now for me to try and incorporate them into my life. That's the tough part. But we have no choice do we - it's that or drown in all the negativity. I am working on it - it's a work in progress and hopefully there's a happy ending for all of us.
Nikblondiew - He was very selfish - they have to be to inflict this kind of hurt on the people that are closest to them. I know my XH is and was fully aware of how devasting this would be for me. He just didn't care. After all the years (not that many compared to some people on the site I know) we spent together after all my demonstrations of love to this man he completly violated my trust and our vows. It is tough to let go.
I find it in my head way more than I want it. I wish there was a switch we could turn off. And I do the same thing - second guess every move I made during the marriage. Maybe if we didn't have this fight - maybe if I didn't say that, maybe if I had been nicer to his mother... Maybe maybe - but the truth is no one is perfect in a marriage. I saw someone wrote Love is a choice and that is so true. And you have to choose to forgive your partner. Because no matter who you're with there are going to be problems in every marriage - no one has the right to just go "see ya later" just because of their own selfishness. That's why I think it's crazy when someone like my XH rushes into another relationship - I wonder what could be so different??
Is she perfect? I don't get it.
Anyway, I went to my counselor today. I like him a lot. Intellectually he gets it. He is wise and straightforward and honest about things. I have a lot of work to do and I know this. We decided I should really just concentrate on trying very hard to be in the momment and not think about the past or the future too much.
We decided and I think this is important that I not get involved in any way with anyone for at least 6 months. And I am going to commit to this with gusto. I need to allow myslef the opportunity not to get involved with a man knowing full well I emotionally am not ready for any type of commitment. So there. Not till July will I even invite the idea.
Rather I will spend the next 6 months working on myself. Trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically. Trying to forgive myself for the past, trying to make a happy home for me and my daughter and trying to sort out where I want to be in the next year. I want to read, and paint and spend time with friends and travel. I want to love life again and I will... I just need time and patience and I cannot allow this one person. A truly selfish and horrible person take everything away from me. The only way I am going to get the happy ending I want is this way. There is just no way around it. And maybe after all this suffering there will be a light and that light will be brighter and more than I could ever have hoped for. I hope so. And I hope it for all the other people on this site struggling as I do.
Till tomorrow
Had a rough day today. Don't know why feel angry and frustrated a lot of the time. My emotions are so all over. I am so sick of feeling like this - how is this going to make anything better.
Will I ever feel better... Like really better - like my old self. I miss my old self.
Yes you will get there. Be very kind to yourself. Wonder
Why do you think my XH lied to me in NY? Why not tell me he was living with someone and planning to marry her. And that too living with her for 3 years??? Why even lie about that? Why watch me cry and pour my heart out and not tell me the truth? Why was this man so awful to me? What was/is it about me that he couldn't care less about my feelings? I lie to my friends (I rarely lie but when I do) I feel sooooooooo guilty. Why don't these people feel guilty about everything they do and all the people they hurt?
It's awful - how am I ever going to understand and come to terms with this?
Why do you think my XH lied to me in NY?
Because he is a liar. He cnnot deal in truth so he lies.
Why was this man so awful to me? What was/is it about me that he couldn't care less about my feelings?
Sweetie it had nothing to do with you as a person. He is who he is. You didn't do anything to make him inconsiderate or unfeeling...it's who he is. Please stop trying to find fault with yourself to excuse his actions. It isn't about you.
Why don't these people feel guilty about everything they do and all the people they hurt?
It's awful - how am I ever going to understand and come to terms with this?
It is awful, but again, it is not about you. It is about him and the kind of person he is. I am not saying you are perfect, or did everything right in the marriage, but it isn't all about you. Some people are not strong enough to face their faults, so they blame others and run away. That is what he did. Even if you had been perfect, he probably would have done the same thing, because that is who he is. You need to realize that you did the best you could under the circumstances and learn from the mistakes you made. As you move forward in life and into new relationships you will have the knowledge and experience to not repeat the mistakes, and you will be more informed in what you are looking for in a partner.
Stillalone I know what you mean. I have my days too. I'll be ok for a few days and then bam it hits me hurt and anger.
Today is my 31st birthday and the 3rd year I'm spending it with this garbage revolving around me. I'm moving in the right direction of letting him and our marriage go, I know it's the best thing I can do for myself and my son but doesn't mean it's easy.
They lie because it's easier to do that then to face the reality and consequences.
Hi there, this is what I told you before. Read back and breathe...
Hello--I admire you for trying one more time and it is a shame he is such a coward that he could not tell you his true situation. When you made that brave motion you allowed yourself some vulnerability and it hurt to learn that he was still the same person. He literally left everything behind, honey I know that feeling and it was after 24 years.
You sound very, extremely depressed. The guilties tell it all. His behavior is all about him and nothing to do with you. And just why would you think he is being nice to the new woman? And why would you want an abusive man back in your life? He was being abusive by lying to you besides. Passive aggressive. Bad news in a partner.
You would do well with a good clinical PhD psychologist who can help you see that you matter. Life may be hard sometimes without a man in your life, but it is much harder to deal with inappropriate guilt when you have done nothing wrong. You are doing a good thing by expressing your feelings here. Honor those feelings, pour them out, and stay strong. I never got answers as to why my x left me, see they do not want to tell because then you might offer a way to fix it and that is not what they want. And yes it could be a personality disorder but that's not the point. There are many mysteries in life, we can all ask why me God, and we will never know. It is not what happens but how we handle it. And it is not an easy path, better to learn sooner than later, that's my story and I am sticking to it:) Good luck, take a hot bath, and get some sleep. And eat. Those things will help you. Cheers, Wonder
Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep myself from thinking about the past - as soon as I get there I talk to myself and try and stop those thoughts. It's so tough. They come and it's exhausting having to police myself but I can't get bogged down in the negativity. So, I am just hoping in time it'll just get easier until I just don't think about it at all.
Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep myself from thinking about the past - as soon as I get there I talk to myself and try and stop those thoughts. It's so tough. They come and it's exhausting having to police myself but I can't get bogged down in the negativity. So, I am just hoping in time it'll just get easier until I just don't think about it at all.
SA,
It WILL get easier with time. It may not seem that way right now, but it will, I promise.
In my case, I have used an exercise to help with my negative thoughts. And although it sounds like psycho-babble, it really works.
When I am feeling down, I identify the base cause of my negative feelings. It is usually some form of fear. Fear of being alone, of not being able to find someone as (fill in the blank) as my W (likely STBXW), fear of not being loved - all of these are premised on beliefs that will be the case.
Once I can pinpoint that base belief or cause of my negative feelings, I ask whether or not that belief is a reasonable one. Is it reasonable to believe that in all the world, there is not some woman out there who will love me, who will be willing to invest her life in a relationship with me? And the answer, of course, is no, that's unreasonable.
So, flip the unreasonable belief into a reasonable one. There IS someone (more likely someoneS) out there who will find me attractive and loving and will want to become involved with me.
And once you change your thought, then your emotions will follow.
Thoughts control emotions, not the other way around.
And, another unreasonable belief is that if I am single (i.e., "alone") then I will be lonely. Which isn't true. I have enough security with and in myself to know that even if I am single, I will not be lonely. I have friends and, most of all, I have my children. And no matter what, my children and I will be crucial parts of each others' lives.
Just try this technique. Someone very wise taught it to me.
Remember, change your thought, change your emotions.
Good luck.
Givingit------great advice helped me too.
I struggle with those thoughts too....no one is going to want to be with me, baggage, etc. For me it is all about changing the way I think.
These boards are so helpful
Givingit------great advice helped me too.
I struggle with those thoughts too....no one is going to want to be with me, baggage, etc. For me it is all about changing the way I think.
These boards are so helpful
Yep. Don't know where I'd be without these boards, but I am pretty sure it would not be pretty.
I, too, am wading through feelings brought on by my W filing and serving me with the D petition earlier this week.
But, I'll handle it.
Are the two of you living separate?
Those fears are exactly the ones I worry about. Never meeting someone. Never getting remarried. And in this I know I am my own worst enemy. And unless I change the negativity I know I won't meet anyone because who wants to be with a miserable person anyway. That's what I am working on - trying not to be this bitter person. And some days it's ok and others I just am wallowing in the self-pity.
I usually excercise and it does help a great deal but I've been a leg cast for the last month and a half due to a fractured foot which has made doing anything v difficult.
I know things will get better. They have to. I know I am a good person and deserve to be in a healthier relationship than I was. And I know I deserve to be treated with far more love and respect than my EXH treated me.
Hope everyone has a nice night.
I wish I were one of those people who are divorced who have a carefree attitude. I'm in the dumps and I think people see me as this sad sack - really pathetic - and I am not a pathetic person. But when someone asks me how I am I can't seem to just put on a fake smile and pretend. I let them know how much things suck for me. Does that serve me well? I don't think so - I think people feel sorry for me and I don't want to have that persona. I want to have a better more confident respectable persona. Do I have to fake it to make it a reality? I don't know. My life is so monotonous now. I hate it. I really have to make some major changes. I am living in a small place and its suffocating. By leaving I'm going to be putting a lot on the line but I really think for my overall emotional and social well-being it will be much, much better for me.
I've been reading a lot about just being positive. About how thoughts affect our lifes. How being positive helps change situations and how being negative makes things worse. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I have to - I want to beat these depressive feelings. I want my happy ending - my daughter and I deserve it! I was a good wife - I just married a really screwed up person! I need to stop blaming myself and start moving mentally in the direction of a better and happier life. I know I can do it.
Hi.
You're right. Your current unhappiness sticks out like a sore thumb. And although people do feel sorry for you, they don't want to hang around with you because you bring them down. Nothing personal, that's just the way it is. And all of us here have felt what you're feeling, and lots of us still are. It takes time...but it also takes hard work and desire...desire to be as happy and content as you can be, regardless of your situation. Are you attracted to people who are weak and miserable? Neither is anyone else! Are you attracted to people who are strong and confident and happy? So are others! You can't rush it because it does take time...but you can start to work on it. You can start to work on being as happy and content as you can be.
Stillalone.........oh do I ever know how you feel!! Antler gives some good advice. It is tough...it's like you have to shed that old layer - to feel free, to start fresh, to start anew, although strange it feels at times. Seems very bizare to me but I knwo it's a reality.
Does anyone have any good divorce recovery books they recommend?
I am willing to work at it. But I feel like I have to work everyday at feeling ok. I have to wake up every morning and talk myself into having a good day - It's bizarre - I want to wake up without the heaviness!!! I am so sick of the heaviness... It's just a part of who I have become. I just feel like the relationship and divorce took away the normality of just waking up to a new day. Sorry, I feel like all I do is complain - but I am just trying to vent and trying and get some peace.
Hi there. I have a book to recommend--it's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It explains the biological--physiological reasons why you are feeling so terrible. Enlightening and helpful. You will recognize what you are feeling in that book.
Also David Burns' book Feeling Good. It will help you understand the hurtful thoughts and how to change them.
I can't overemphasize the importance of exercise and good nutrition and hot baths as well as little treats for yourself.
Also the venting you are doing here is so helpful. Get it out as much as you can or want to.
So one other thing--I am not a psychologist or anything, but I do know this. Waking up with that heaviness in the morning is a sign of depression. It is NOT who you have become. And you cannot just turn it off and become happy. Your body, brain, and soul have been traumatized and you will have to take the time to heal.
Most likely no one sees you as a sad sack. People care but do not know what to do. But it is very important to be able to express your feelings, and a lot. Besides getting a therapist if you can, what helped me were two things-- find one or two at most close friend who you can confide your feelings with and tell them why, and then sort of spread the rest around--call one person one week and another the next to chat. Not everyone needs or wants to know everything.
Expressing your feelings will give you peace. As will trying to give yourself some good experiences. Just one simple accomplishment. You may also try journaling your feelings every morning in a book after you wake up. And your dreams if you remember them. And your accomplishments from the previous day. And what you are grateful for.
These are some ideas. You will get there. Be extremely easy and kind to yourself. You are not alone at all. Many people here including me have been down this road. One day at a time. Wonder.
Thank you sooooo much Wonder. I am going to look for the books! I really appreciate all the advice and help!
I would recommend The Shack! You can find it in any Christian book store under the fiction section! It does not deal with divorce specifically but it deals with loss, grieving and recovery! When I went through a bout of sadness this book was a great help! You may even find it to lead you to some other places (good ones)!
Hang in there find a good support friend or friends, and yes you will have to let go of the negativity! Let go of the woe is me! See it for what it is a blessing and not a curse! See it for protection for you and your daughter not abandonment! You will meet someone wonderful and they will fill in all the missing pieces! But they will only come to you when you are ready! Healing takes time, but you can and will heal!
Try to see things for the glass is half full as oppossed to half empty! It takes practice and patience, but will pay huge dividends for yourself! I know it is difficult, but you can do it!
I've heard great things about The Shack as well. I hope to start on it soon.
Thank you everyone so much for all the support and all the good kind words and advice. I think finding out my XH remarried was very shocking and set me back quite a bit. The fact that he dove straight into another serious relationship and ended up married to the woman is mind boggling. But shows just how little our marriage meant to him. A hard pill to swallow. I loved him and feel like I was wholly commited to him and our marriage and family.
I still don't fully understand why he was so unhappy with us. Every thing he ended up saying led to him leaving was not in my opinion why a husband leaves his wife. I never cheated or lied. I have no addictions... We had in-law problems, we fought sometimes - but every relationship has it's up and downs. He went from one day I love you to the next day leaving. Makes my head spin when I try to analyze why things went down the way they did.
At the same time because he left the first time I never felt security in the marriage even when he came back. I would ask him would you ever do that again - hoping he would like any normal person - say no (knowing how much I had suffered during the seperation). Instead he said to me "if I am unhappy I will leave again..." How can you feel secure in a marriage like that? I felt like I had to constantly be on my best behavior otherwise he would have another reason to leave. It was so crazy. Am not sure why people get married to people they supposedly love and then do this kind of thing to them.
The worse part is I think now he's remarried and he probably treats the other woman v differently. But do people ever really change? He had major mood swings, who call me bad names, he would tell me on occassion to get out of the house... Is he a different man with her? And why? What was it about me that allowed him to be so cruel? Even upto now not feeling any remorse but rather justifying his behavior as his only recourse.
Just thinking... Am trying to be more positive - am trying to be not so woe is me. Takes time - I'll get there. Just so many unanswered questions that still plague and bother me.
Emotional abuse. Look it up. You are already a survivor. Good job on the post. Wonder
Yes people do change, I doubt jumping out of one relationship into another is a good indicator of that though! Chances are history will repeat! His behavior is an indication of two things one, he is never satisfied with himself, therefor looks for happiness in others, second he does not know how to tell the truth! You will find someone just work on you, don't dwell in the past move forward, you will find the "happy" again! It all works out in the end!
. I think finding out my XH remarried was very shocking and set me back quite a bit. The fact that he dove straight into another serious relationship and ended up married to the woman is mind boggling. But shows just how little our marriage meant to him. A hard pill to swallow.
My X met someone in the last year of our marriage (when it was very troubled and I wanted to go to marriage counseling) and he married her 14 days after our divorce was final. It isn't about you or how much he valued your marriage. He has a weakness in him that he cannot address, so he moved into another relationship rather than deal wth his own issues. What he did is not normala or healthy, but it was his way to deal with his problems.
I still don't fully understand why he was so unhappy with us. Every thing he ended up saying led to him leaving was not in my opinion why a husband leaves his wife.
Because the truth is that it wasn't why he left. He left because he was unhappy and needed to blame someone. So he left and looked for someone new to "make him happy". The reality is that it is not someone else's job to make you happy, you need to be happy with yourself. I would venture a bet that he is still not happy, but still does not see it as an internal issue....it will always be someone else's fault.
He had major mood swings, who call me bad names, he would tell me on occassion to get out of the house... Is he a different man with her? And why? What was it about me that allowed him to be so cruel? Even upto now not feeling any remorse but rather justifying his behavior as his only recourse.
Is he different with her....maybe for a while, but that is because he is caught up in the newness. He is still who he was, unless he does some internal evaluation and does the work to make lasting changes in his life. My X has never expressed any remorse, and still lays the fault of the failure on me. Oh well. Nothing I can do about that. I know what I did wrong and I know I will not repeat those mistakes in any relationship. His issues are not about you.
Just thinking... Am trying to be more positive - am trying to be not so woe is me. Takes time - I'll get there. Just so many unanswered questions that still plague and bother me.
You will probably never get any satisfactory answers from him, so you need to accept that as his reality. Your reality needs to be YOURS. You will get there, you are already on your way.
I read this somewhere recently...
A bad experience, when viewed from the ego which is merely the mind’s false sense of the self can keep one frozen in time, bitter, angry and consumed with changing the unchangeable past. Time to step away from your ego and leave the unanswered questions in the past, they really don't matter.
I'm feeling better day by day. Still a little melancholy in the mornings... that's my worst time of day. But I was just thinking I really need to stop focusing on him... really it is hard not to but it is such a waste of my time. And he certainly isn't thinking of us. So why am I wasting my time -
He was emotionally abusive and I think that has made it much harder to move on to. When you're with someone who puts you down and shakes your self-esteem you start thinking maybe their point of view is valid. You start to doubt your worth as a person. And the rest of the world can tell you that your smart and pretty and a great person etc but the fact that the person that you loved the most didn't see it that way is what you remember the most. My confidence and how I feel about myself has taken a battering and it's hard to get that confidence back. Especially when someone goes as far as to leave you - that just totally reinforces this sense of you being worthless. And that is hard to come to terms with.
But I am and I will but it takes a long time.
He was emotionally abusive and I think that has made it much harder to move on to. When you're with someone who puts you down and shakes your self-esteem you start thinking maybe their point of view is valid. You start to doubt your worth as a person. And the rest of the world can tell you that your smart and pretty and a great person etc but the fact that the person that you loved the most didn't see it that way is what you remember the most. My confidence and how I feel about myself has taken a battering and it's hard to get that confidence back. Especially when someone goes as far as to leave you - that just totally reinforces this sense of you being worthless. And that is hard to come to terms with.
Sweetie, I could have written this myself. In my case it was 20+ years of marriage, and a gradual wearing of my self-esteem. I realize now that I lost my sense of self in my marriage. I didn't love or respect myself so it was easy for him to justify his actions. Fast-forward a few years and I am amazed at the person I discovered still hidden inside of me! I finished ny degree, started my career, bought my own house, and have quite a few very good friends. I go out and people seem to enjoy being around me.....no one criticizes everything I do! Life is good. I still maintain that this is not the life I would have chosen. I would have done the work to save my marriage, but that option was not given to me, so I had to go with plan B....and it seems to be working out okay. You will get there....it just takes a little time.
stillalone and bright_new_day...good morning. Both of you ladies were victims of emotional abuse, and you walked on eggshells so much that you basically 'lost yourselves' in the marriages. You spent so much time and effort trying to keep him from getting pissed that you 'quit being you'...and walked on eggshells almost constantly...trying not to break em'!
That's a helluva way to live.
I believe both of you ladies, especially stillalone (only because you're not as far along in this crisis as bright_new_day is), would benefit from the book that I recommended earlier, 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosney. It's a healing book...one that I'll recommend to anyone in or out of relationships. It's a book about you, and it'll help you to heal...and to understand.
I'm sorry you ladies had to live the way you did, and also that you're having to go through what you are.
Antlers....yes I was a victim of emotional abuse. I remember my slow realization regarding the emotional abuse. Then I went to talk to a good friend about it. She is in a masters program to become a therapist. I said rather tentatively that X may have been emotionally abusive. She looked at me and said DUH! She had known both of us for about 10 years, and was one of the people X used to complain about me too, until she finally told him to stop, that I was her friend too and she didn't want to hear it anymore. We've discussedd it at length, and it was in talking to her as well as seeing a therapist through the separation/divorce process that I finally stopped letting him do that to me. It took many episodes of me hanging up on him and telling him that if he started yelling, name-calling, being derogatory, etc that I was done with the conversation. One time he actually called back later and apologized. (Just once! LOL)
I would love to read the book you recommend, antlers, I'm going to try and get my hands on a copy. Sometimes I think emotional scars take much longer to heal than physical scars because they get you psychologically. Bright - my husband also liked to complain about me to people especially my parents. He once gave my mother a list of things he said I had to change otherwise he would leave me. It was all so crazy, so hurtful - I always asked him why in the world he wanted to marry me in the first place. We really didn't date for very long and now when I think about it we really didn't know each other well.
He was so charming when we first met though... It was only during the time when we were getting married that he started displaying wierd behavior - getting enraged at stupid things. I had fallen in love with him and the idea of getting married by then. And I found myself in a mess I just didn't know how to get out of. We lived in Mexico for his job... After 2 weeks of marriage he threw me out of the house - I was in a strange city, no money, no family, no friends, didn't speak the language. I walked around and sat at a cafe crying not knowing what to do...
Things didn't get much better - but I tried so hard to make things work. I tried like antlers says to figure out what would make him mad and would do everything not to make that happen.
But that process is very draining and I was always scared. When my mother came to visit me she was shocked to see me - she was like "what's happened to you" - Still it was so classic because this man was not always mean. He could be terribly charming and so great to be with sometimes - I just never knew when things were going to be bad. And if they were bad they were my fault.
I don't think he ever apologized to me... ever. It's very confusing you know, I just don't understand why he treated me that way. I tried so hard to do everything his way. I mean I'm not perfect but I wanted to do whatever it took to make us both happy.
He disposed of me and our daughter like we were worthless. I can't understand how someone has such cruelty as part of their nature. I've never met anyone like him before. And the weird thing is I think when other people meet him they are really impressed he has a completly different persona.
I'm working through things - seeing a therapist now. I understand what happened to me wasn't normal. But it has affected me - there's no denying that. My good friends say there is a heavyness about me... And I know there is but I can't seem to unload it. Everyone says move on - forget him - forget what happened. They make it seem easy. That's why I like posting here - it's the only place I feel really understood. Really understood.
I want to feel light again - I don't want to be angry and bitter. I just don't see how I can have a normal relationship even if I continue to feel all these things.
My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. I can't even think about getting involved with anyone although I am so lonely and would love to be in a loving relationship - and think I deserve one. I just think that my emotional needs are so high right now that no one is going to be able to fulfill them.
I've started realizing too that I seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men. My Ex was and this ex boyfriend seems to be similar (not abusive) but a little aloof and I am just happy at least now I have the strength to say you know what - this is not right for me. I need a really loving person - not another jerk.
I just read this and it's so true:
Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We... are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love.
25 has been saying this all along...Love is a choice.
I woke up this morning without the heaviness... I guess it is going to take time like everyone says and I will get stronger. I met a woman yesterday who is going through a divorce after 24 yrs. Her second marriage. V. difficult. I might go out with her and chat about our mutual situations. I am feeling much better - much stronger and much more hopeful. My Ex made his choice but I can't allow that to have any more influence over my life than it already has. He was a selfish and awful man. I pity his new wife she doesn't have any idea who he really is and how cruel and absive he is capable of being. And as much as he will try and redeem himself in this new relationship the truth is he did all the awful things he did to me - nothing will erase that. He created his Karma. He will have to pay for them one day. I'm leaving that to God. My responsibility is to myself and my daughter now.
Good for you. It will take time. Also remember that there will be cycles until you are completely healed. There has been trauma and you are recovering and it will take time. Don't blame yourself if you have another bad day. Honor the feelings and go on. Wonder
Thanks wonder. Yes it is a cycle... Some good days - some bad. I will just try and be easy on myself. And will try to be positive.
I had a meeting today about the house that I live in that is owed by myself and EX - he was smart enough to put it in a off-shore company so that if we divorced it could not be part of the divorce settlement. How smart and coniving is that? I was such a fool. I want to sell the house now. The meeting brought up all those feelings of deciet again. How I was sleeping with the enemy.
The first time he left me he had planned everything - he had put the house in the off-shore - transfered the shares to his family members - he had rented an apartment... All the while living with me, sleeping in the same bed, eating breakfast, dinner - while planning to stab me in the back. How do people do such things... I know I sound so naive when I say that but how????
I realized during the meeting that he had fradulently signed a document in order to have the house bought by the off-shore. I need to go to a lawyer sometime this week and figure out what it all means. I asked the guy in charge of the company - "would you ever put your house in an off-shore without your wife knowing?" And he was like "no" - He then said "but your husband seemed to do many things behind your back" - how awful - how awful that I had the misfortune to know this man...
Am sad today thinking about it - there's no justice in this. None. When do I get to see the Justice?
Feeling down again... such a roller coaster. Went to a religious event yesterday - prayed for things to get better. That gives me peace - praying but not for long. I feel so stressed out sometimes - like my life is one big nightmare I would have never imagined. And I am just coasting along with it.
Hi, I am glad you posted again. How was the meeting with the lawyer? You don't have to answer and maybe you should not. But what is up with this offshore business? Did he really forge your signature? That is kind of off the chart. Are you active in taking care of yourself and your finances? You will feel better not just coasting along with that. Wonder
Hi Wonder,
I haven't been to the lawyer yet. Don't know if I should bother.
Well, my Ex was very smart... he put our house in an off-shore company so if we divorced it is not recongnized legally as being owned by him therefore it cannot be part of a divorce settlement. My Ex was a planner and planned all these things out. He did not forge my sig - he just signed behind my back and never let me know he was putting the house in an off-shore. He was very deceitful. Well, as far as my finances are concerned he doesn't contribute very much - nothing for me - and very little for my daughter. Since he got married in Dec he has sent nothing.
How do people forget about their children. This is a man who is highly educated, comes from a wealthy family, is the Managing Director of a company and he has behaved without any scruples whatsoever.
I have my own business and thank goodness can support myself and my daughter but just the idea of someone just dumping all their responsibilities like this man did makes my head spin.
I went to see It's Complicated tonight was a nice movie...
Stillalone,
I read through the entire topic here again to refresh myself. I'm glad to be back in touch with you. I can relate so very much about how you feel. One day feel empowered, the next complete and utter sadness, wonder who the man was you married? All of the feelings I understand.
Personally, about the house being put in an off-shore company, if you didn't sign for that absolutely bring this up to your lawyer. I am thankful you are able to support yourself and your daughter helps things.
How has the counseling been going for you? For me it's like I have to re-program my mind or constantly tell myself you deserve better Nikki, stand up for yourself, your son deserves more, all men aren't this way, fear stops me. Scared of being alone, but ya know I've been emotionally alone for almost three years anyway. Why am I so afraid of letting this go for good?
Hi Nik,
I understand your fear. There are so many feelings involved in all this - fear, rejection, sadness, anger... I am up and down too like a roller coaster. But I read Donna's post and it was quite uplifting. Read it if you haven't - it's abot getting past your past there was good info there. Hope it helps you feel better today.
I have seen my counselor a few times... I enjoy the sessions they make me feel better... I think I need a lot more time with him however. I need to work on making my current life happier too. My H is gone - I have to get myself to come to terms with it and I have to let it go and move on. That's what I have to work on this year. I have been wallowing for too long.
I am scared of being alone too... but when I am honest with myself I realize I have to learn to be alone now - and I have to learn to enjoy it - that's the only way I am ever going to be at peace.
Still,
Where can I find Donna's post? Love to read....
You are so very right...
I am scared of being alone too... but when I am honest with myself I realize I have to learn to be alone now - and I have to learn to enjoy it - that's the only way I am ever going to be at peace
Stay in touch with me....when you're having a tough day...or any kind of day. I love to help and listen. These boards are so great for that, support. I'm here for you.
Hi Nik,
Her post is called Donna new outlook, finding herself #38. There was some great stuff there - made me feel better. Read it and let me know what you think.
I so appreciate your listening and empathy. I find it hard to meet people who understand my sadness over my divorce. I think it's hard to really get it until it happens to you. Most of my friends are married and they listen - one of them has been so supportive and listens endlessly (she's a godsend) but it's hard for them to relate completely.
Can you let me know about your story - I would love to be able to give you support as well...
I think it hard not to hate being alone when it seems that most people are by my age (I just turned 40!!) are in a relationship - married - building a life together. And I really thought I did all the right things. And now I find myself starting all over again which is so much more difficult for a woman to do...
Anyway, talk soon
Still....
Well I'm 31 my H is 30. Been together since HS, 13 years, married for 7. We have a 2.5 year old son. My H after we had our son had an affair with my EXbest friend of a decade. Checked the cell phone bills, found a letter he wrote her, confronted her and him both. Both denied. He began drinking heavily. We separated February two years ago. He drank drank drank became severly depressed. The affair ended two years ago March. He did outpatient treatment for 6 weeks to apease me and his parents. Things worsened after....the first round of treatment...he bounced around bars telling his sob story finding empathy in women....and eventually Jan 3 of last year was the last night he drank. His dad and i pulled him out of a bar and I said I'm walking. I'm done can't do this anymore. He did inpatient treatment for 60 days about an hour south of where we live. He moved back home...things were going well...and then he got laid off in November. He said I'm not happy, think we should just be done, etc. My son and I moved out back to my parents, where we currently are. He is manic depressed and has started drinking again...small amounts ...now but probably only a matter of time. There are days where I think we're going to be better off but there is much history with him and we have our son. Thing is there was NONE of this prior to the affair. NONE. Not even a glimpse. I was his world for years and years so this new person....he has become in the last 2.5 years is foreign but the norm sadly now. He pulls the pity like nobody's business...hate my life, don't see it getting better anytime soon, I have no friends, no life, life is falling apart, wonder if today will be the day I take all the pills, etc. etc. He is due to see a psychiatrist in a week and doesn't seem to be following through with IC.
I'm stuck...unsure of a future with him as he is...but can things ever go back to the same or even somewhat? He needs a lot of help. My self esteem took a severe blow in the last two years...at first I was desparate to hang on to make it work I was unhealthy, codependent, ill as well. Thought no one's going to want to be with me....I'm baggage, I must not be attractive enough, etc. etc. You can imagine. But I've been doing lots of counseling, books, journaling, church, groups, support, etc. Different person now. It's weird because most of the time I am pretty happy given the circumstances and really he only seems to drag me down or hurt me. But it's hard to let go entirely....I don't know anything else....at all! He's all I've ever known. I'm scared ....not sure of what to do...at this point I'm moving forward with my life..finishing school, I'm first on the waiting list for the townhome I want, raise my son, and if he comes around great if not well I'm that much more prepared for life without him. Just want to be happy and I do want companionship I truly do miss that, miss holding hands, kissing, someone to sleep next to ....all those things.
My thoughts are all over the place I know
Thanks for sharing that with me... I am glad to hear all the work you've done with couseling etc has helped.
I just went on a blind date... Awful - while my exH is at home with his new wife... It's so unfair I can hardly tolerate to think about it - it's just awful.
Having a very bad night... Am so angry tonight. So angry about my life and how it's turned out so far. My father said to me "there were so many red flags" that the guy was no good. But really how was I supposed to know he would turn out to be such an a##hole? I guess the lesson to learn is never ever be so trusting. When someone shows you who they are you have to pay attention. I think that's so true. People will always reveal themselves. And I was just in denial. He was unemotional and inconsiderate from the 2nd week of marriage. He threw me out after 2 weeks... He would make me cry and then turn his back on me at night. I never deserved that. What was I thinking? Why was I such a fool. How do I stop beating myself up. When do I have a second chance? I am soooooo unhappy right now. I hate my life.
I'm sorry you went through what you did. I know you are pissed and hurting. There's not a lot others can say or do to help with those feelings. You gotta feel them, and get through them...there's no way around them. It does help to spend time with others though. Time has to pass. Period. But we can work on ourselves during this passage of time.
Thanks... I write here because where else do I go to share all this hurt I feel. My exhusband is remarried - our marriage and what it signified was a joke to him and that tears me apart. The fact that someone could be that cruel to me is unfathomable. I don't have anyone around me that can understand the pain I feel about all of this. I am so hurt - so hurt - so hurt. And I really just wish I had never met such a person. How do I even begin to trust someone again after all of this?
How were you going to know how he was going to turn out? you weren't supposed to, no one has a crystal ball and can guess what is going to happen, no one would ever guess that my mikd sweet shy good tempered H would turn into a lying cheating person.
Listen hon, you can try with all your might to put together in a neat little box what happened, try to have everything follow an exact time line of when/how/where/why... guess what, you'll NEVER figure it out, it's just impossible, there are too many variables, and you trying to see where things went wrong on the dot is like trying to put back together a huge piece of glass that shattered... you will never make all the pieces fit, all you'll get is bloody and cut hands. That's an alegory I'd used a lot everytime i tortured myself thinking what was ex doing with then-ow when he was with me, etc etc... all I ended up feeling was sick and angry.
Bottom line, going back and rehashing old stuff will add NOTHING to your life... right now it is time to heal, to accept that what happened was painful, cruel and that it hurt... then, let it go. Each time the persistent negative thoughts assault you acknowledge them, then let them go, eventually you'll be able to remember without hurt. I highly recommend you read "the spiritual divorce" and "healing without scars", those books helped me soooo much! also, "eat, love and pray". It is very very important that you feed your mind good reads, that you replace the negative thoughts with good ones, neg. thoughts make grooves in your mind and are harder to dismiss, so you have to use all your might and use the stop-thought method mentioned on the DB book.
The fact that he married so fast does not take away from what kind of woman you are or W you were, it only reflects badly on him because a real man wouldnt've walk out like that, a good man would've fought tooth and nail not to loose his family... your ex is a coward who runned away and left a W and a little one, honestly, who would think much of such a person? The fact that he did that didnt' mean that at the time he married you he didnt' love you, he most likely did, in his own way. Love isnt' a black and white concept, it's a plant that requires much care and time, some people think that it will be all fireworks and crazy chemistry all the time (hence the As which are so exciting and a delicious secret), love evolves, it is not a feeling but a commitment. Your ex doesn't know what love is, and chances are good that his M won't last (70% of 2nd marriages don't, as people just bring the old baggage to a new person).
Until you feel whole and happy on your own put dating on the shelf, you wouldnt' want someone using you to get over someone, so don't do the same... perhaps you are trying to have someone make you feel better, but you are looking in the wrong place, you have to find yourself again and love who you are, knwo what you want, then you will be ready for someone else and will be able to trust again.
The first step is to say to yourslev that you will make it and be ok, even if you dont' believe it at first. When my thenH left the first time, I'd wake up crying... then I made it a point to wake up and smile, and tell myself it'd be ok...eventually I believed it and was able to choose my thoughts and tell myself I'd be happy for me and for my kids. Dont' know if you are a believer, but I found my faith again, my prayers used to be tearful repetitions of "please help me this hurts so much", and eventually I found more to praise about and God granted me the peace i so much needed.
I believe you can make it stillalone, you will.
:::standing up and clapping for cat::: Bravo, well said!
Most of my friends are married and they listen - one of them has been so supportive and listens endlessly (she's a godsend) but it's hard for them to relate completely.
So true. I'd hear about friends divorcing and look at the relationship from the outside and say it was bound to happen. I had no idea the amount of pain that was involved.
I lost my mom suddenly 11 years ago and that hurt, but this has been like losing a loved one for 10 months. And I'm not even to the actual divorced part.
Sorry you ex was so calculating. My STBX thinks I'm hiding things from her. She thinks I've squirreled away a bunch of money. I don't even waste the time trying to explain to her that we were always broke while we were together even though we both make good money so how were we going to thrive apart supporting two households.
I'm thinking less and less about W and her thoughts though. That's good. Time is our only friend in this stuff.
Thanks everyone... esp Cat for all the words of wisdom. I've been doing pretty well... not feeling as sorry for myself these days. It does take time - lots of it and then the pain starts to diminish. I actually have a friend who is just now seperated from her H. She is suffering tremendously right now as they have been seperated for 10 months. She is where I was 5 years ago. I have been talking to her a lot. And somehow talking to her and trying to console her and do what I can to listen to her story has seemed to help me. I want to just make all her hurt go away because I remember the feeling of utter desperation and aloneness when my H first left me. I hope she can save her marriage. I told her to come here and write and try and get some support. It's what we all need.
I do think I am looking for someone to fill the void left by my H. I seem to chose the same type of man... that's a whole other issue but really I think it's something I really need to think about and address.
I am in the process of selling my business and house and everything and moving to another city. Am scared but I feel like after all this time I have just been stuck in a rut - just watching the world go by and not taking any sort of action. I have become comfortably numb... And I have to shake it off - so I am forcing myself into a different situation. I am going to take a year off and just focus on me and my daughter. Then will try and decided - what I want to do work wise and eventually where I think I want to live. I guess I am lucky that at least I have options.
I am feeling much better these days. I think for a few different reasons. Firstly I am speaking a lot to another woman who lives her whose H left her 10 months ago. I talk to her, try to make her feel better and more positive and the benefit is sometimes when you help others you yourself feel so much better. She's in a absive relationship but still wants him back. I keep telling her she deserves better but I think that is starting to sink into my own brain as well. I deserve(d) better too.
Also I am moving and really taking control of my life that way. I am getting excited by all the opportunities and adventures that lay before me. And for once I am trying to control my own life rather than have others do it for me. It's a very liberating feeling. I am going to spoil myself this year. Life is so short I want to be happy and have fun. I want to make all my dreams come true. I know it won't be easy but I am starting to see my marriage for what it was... really not that great... instead of idealizing it and pretending it was hunky-dory. I want a great relationship and maybe all this happened for a reason. And the truth is maybe I really am better off without him. I see this poor woman I am friends with - she's been married for 15 years - they have 2 kids. He hits her - and speaking to her I see how much emotional damage he has done. I feel so sorry for her... she deserves so much better. Am just thankful I got out when I did. Living with someone who doesn't truly love and respect you is so not worth it. I am finally starting to realize that. Hope it continues.
When you help others, you are really helping yourself. It's all about human connection, having someone to talk to. Where are you thinking of moving to?