If you all can believe it or not, it's been more 5 years since the D and 5 years since I've posted here. During the D, this was the only thing that kept me going- support from people going through the same thing, etc... Then, little by little, I weaned myself off of the DB community and as they say, 'got a life'. So yes, I got a life, new friends, new job, new hobbies, new school for the kids--got a life where "nobody knows your name", and the past 5 years things are good and things are bad. And when things are good, they aren't even really as good as i'd like it to be, but when things are bad, they are just so darn awful bad. It's like going through the D right from the beginning to the end again. I can't stand it. When does it get better and why after so many years isn't it better???!!! Sometimes I feel just as alone as I did when it all first started. What I hate most is the frustrations of raising 2 kids alone and by myself. I hate yelling at my kids because I love them so much and they really are great kids. But I am just so tired and so frustrated. Sometimes it seems like they make so little progress and everything you do is useless and pointless. No one would understand the feelings you are going through except parent #2 who of course is non existant so some help that is! I just feel so alone and all by myself.
I ask again, after 5 years, why isnt it any better? What am I doing wrong? I am so tired of yelling. I just feel so old and worn out.
Not looking forward to tomorrow....
Eysealex
I don't know how to respond since your post is missing key points.
Are you the ex wife?
How many kids? Ages?
What are your GAL?
Tell us more.
Later Friend
Briget
sorry briget, i was trying to not "dwell" on the past. all those age, # years, "statistics"... it shouldn't matter now, should it? my life should be "moved on"- that's what i think at least, but maybe i'm wrong, but yes, i am the ex wife. S is 9, D is 7. ex H just said he didn't want to be married, doesn't love me anymore, started having an affair, etc.. took almost 2 years for me to finally accept that he wanted a D and so finally did it, but now, it's been 5 years and sometimes i feel as unhappy now as I did back then. i just thought that things would be better for me by now but I'm still depressed, still hate life, still hate being single, hate raising the kids alone. I guess this means i haven't really accepted things. how much more time needs to pass? i just want to be at peace with myself.
all my life i've felt alone and i hated it. it was only when i was married that i felt like anyone really loved me. now, i'm just alone again and i guess i hate it. yes, i hate it but i think i'm trying to accept it and it's very painful. so very painful...
Elyse
Sorry to hear what's going on. It sounds to me like IC may help you, you have some stuff going on when you appear to be dwelling on the past, what might of been rather than really moving on.
Your last paragraph there says a lot, like you are a codependant person, so maybe it's tougher to move on if that is your nature.
Also, we all yell at our kids sometimes, but I'm concerned with the way you describe your yelling at them. It reads like you are doing it for no reason at times and that is not fair on them. They will be confused. (apologies if that's wrong, that's how it reads to me).
Hey, I may feel the same as you in 5 years, I really have no idea but it seems to me you need to go to IC first and get some help there.
GL
Take Care and love those kids double if your on your own. They need you big time.
A
Elysealex...
I empathize and can relate to wondering when it is over. I still hurt and I was separated in 2001 and divorced in 2005. Remarried in 2007 and still find the memories of my D painful.... however... I have largely moved on and the pain is less and less as years go by.
So I do know the malingering pain.
For me, I had to find something outside of myself and my circumstances to plug into and focus my energies on. Maybe you could benefit from something outside of your home life.
Was there drugs or alcohol involved in your D? If so, how about joining Alanon Family Groups or NarAnon? As one of the other replies mentions, you may have characteristics of co-dependency. Alanon and NarAnon are support groups of people with addicts and alcoholics in their lives or past. Most people in these groups have recovered from co-dependent behaviour and thinking.
There are tons of 12-step programs out there for many types of circumstances. Even over-eaters anonymous is tremendously helpful for those who are inclined that way so perhaps check local directories for anything that may be relevant in support groups. Live support groups with real people who can support you face to face. This online dialogue is limited in my experience. I find one-to-one more effective.
Isolating is never good for any of us who are prone to depression. I used to do it all the time when I was in the thick of my depression. Even now, I seek to be alone many times when I am depressed. Or seek to hide in videos or TV or sleep. These are all temptations that I actively avoid wherever possible when I feel depressed.
So my suggestion would be to look outward. Get personally involved with others. Healthy people on the same journey.
If you are prone to Church at all, there is a group called Divorce Care that is a support group for divorced people in most communities in North America.
If you are chronically alone, it may be wise to ask some rigorously honest questions about what choices you make and behaviours you engage in that keep you alone. Changes in your life cannot happen without you doing most of the work. Lots of people will support and guide you but you have to do the doing!
Another reply suggested considering outside couneling. Great idea as well.
In the mean time, we are here for you. It will not likely be enough, but we will do what we can. There is lots of help out there. Only you can take the steps to seek it out.
Will believe the best for you and check back on this thread.
Ciao.
Chaz
elysealex,
So many of us here really believed in the sanctity of our marriage..... Only to learn our spouse found our M disposable....
I am so very sorry this happened to you.... I would not wish this pain on my very worst enemy.... I know the intense pain all too well myself.....
I, like Chaz, am remarried to a wonderful woman I love with all of me..... Yet, the pain is still there.... I deal with it and move along..... I do not ever think it will go away completely for me.... But, with time, it is not so intense....
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you.... What I have found is you need to keep putting one foot in front of other.... and believe it will get better.......
As Chaz wrote, we will always be here to listen....
You and your family will be in my prayers....
Take Care,
RMG
I think that the pain you are feeling is not truly letting go of the past. I am sure you have heard the old saying "time heals all wounds" IMO what that means is with the approprate amount of time, we let go of the past. I don't think you have yet. I am not putting you down by saying this, everyone needs different time tables to handle things. I hope that you can get past this soon for your own happiness. If I can help, just yell!
Thanks everyone! All your words have been helpful. Each one of you seems to have hit it all in bits and pieces.
I don't think I have really let go, no matter how many new friends, activities, "new" anything, etc... They're just all distractions, but I'm still holding on to an idealistic dream.
I had been in counseling for almost 5 years...during the 2 plus years the D was going on and for 2 plus years afterwards. I stopped because I thought i was getting myself together with all my "new" distractions. But now, almost 3 years later, I'm still as angry and still hate life as much as I did during the whole damm divorce. I am so resentful of him. I blame him all the time for my unhappiness. I didn't realize how much it has eaten me up but I am just a horrible person on the inside. I can't stand it. I just want to get past all this. I really, really do! I know that I am divorced and on the worst terms with the ex. I know that the kids will always wish "mommy" and "daddy" will get back together. And I know that I have to continue to tell them that we won't. I know that I will not have the original family I always wanted for my kids. I know that I will never be able to share all the joys of my kids with the only other person who would get as much joy in it as I. That's a very sad part for me. I remember being very young and always wanting to share my childhood joys but never had parents around to share them with (too busy working). As I got older and looked towards marriage and family, I was so ready to share everything with ex-H and I did, and I was so happy then. But my part in the failure of the M was that I focused too much on the kids and the idea of family that I lost sight of that I also had a husband. So he drifted and that was the beginning of the end. So now, I have wonderful kids who I love so much, more than anything in the world and they do such wonderful things. I am so proud of S- he is so smart in school and so good in sports, and not half bad looking either (even if he does resemble ex H.). Last year in 3rd grade, all the 6th grade girls had crushes on him! And he has the kindest heart too! D is so beautiful and so sweet. Even though she is younger, she is the most independant and such a help around the house. She will always be my little girl and can sleep with me at night until the cows come home for all I care! I want to share all these great things with someone who gets as much joy as I do out of it, but he is the only one that cares as much as I do. And I can never share with him ever again so here I am alone again. This makes me so sad and so angry. He's taking my joy away and he's made me alone again.
I don't know if this makes any sense... when i go back and read it, I sound very disturbed and just going around in circles. You know, the circle that never ends, the circle that you just go around and around and around in. The circle that drives you crazy and never lets you heal...
I'm definitely in the circle. I thought I was out of it, but I'm still in it. Still in it...
elysealex,
It sounds like you have some great kids. You are truly blessed...
Your post really helped me to see some things where I am right now..... It seems you and I are focusing on the past and the future that could have been.....
In my humble opinion, I think you need to think about the "new" future.... Instead of thinking about you not having the "original family" you dreamed of having.... Think about what you want your "new family" to be like..... What it will be like to be with a man who loves you and your children.... What things you will do together.... All of the fun vacations you will take... I believe a bright future is ahead of you.... If you really embrace it... I know this is much easier said than done....
Take Care,
RMG
I agree in part, RMG. I am embracing a "new" future, but I'm not even beginning to add the idea of a new man in the picture, not yet.
The kids and I are the unit, now, and are getting quite used to it. It helps that they visit their father rather than live part-time with him (I know that goes against a lot of people here, but I feel it is what is best for our family). They only have 4 overnights a month there.
I won't pretend that there aren't pangs, but I focus on what we are doing, the fun we have planned. It is so hard to plan a new life, but we are doing it together. I get the kids involved in what we are doing, too. And some traditions they are keeping with their dad.
You did sound so very down in your post, though....I know that you were seeing a IC a few years ago. Could these feelings be contributed to something else going on in your life, a kind of projection of discontent with other aspects? Have you spoken to someone about the possibilities of medication? That is a long time to feel depressed, and that is what it sounds like....
Hang in there...
Donna,
I totally agree... I think talking to a physician about these feelings is a good idea.... Going through a D is VERY hard.... I have heard some people tell me the BEST thing they did for themselves was get on an AD..... One person I knew said she could have avoided years of anguish....
RMG
I agree in part, RMG. I am embracing a "new" future, but I'm not even beginning to add the idea of a new man in the picture, not yet.
Donna,
What I am really suggesting is letting go of the past.... What could have been...... Begin to embrace happiness without ex..... Begin to replace old dreams with new ones..... I have been working hard on replacing old dreams with new ones....
We all need to keep reminding ourselves we ALONE are responsible for our happiness..... No other person can give it or take it away...
RMG
That's it, isn't it?
And when you are in a committed relationship, you have to find a way to be happy within the confines of that commitment.
You don't have to work within those confines anymore! What DOES make you happy? DO more of that! See if you can get your kids involved in it, too...
That's it, isn't it?
And when you are in a committed relationship, you have to find a way to be happy within the confines of that commitment.
Donna,
That is VERY true...... Too many people seek "happiness" in the arms and bed of another person..... That simply does not work long term...
One needs to find happiness within knowing who they really are in God's eyes....
I pray you, Donna, find all of His best for you...
RMG
Hi Elysealex...
So many good suggestions here that I won't elaborate on too many others. Some helpful tips I used were to get a life and financial coach...they kicked me in the butt big time when I could not see things for myself that I was repeatedly doing to keep myself stuck. Another one is to sometimes just ACCEPT the fact you are sad and let it be "with" you. When you feel that and accept it, just do things to comfort you: light scented candles, open an expensive bottle of wine, take a bubble bath, take a drive or a hike out in the country, learn to meditate...whatever it it takes to soothe that part of you that is aching and crying for some love and affection.
Our thoughts very often keep us stuck in one place. Can you change your thinking perhaps somehow? What we do focus on does expand...
Eyeslax
You are an amazing woman! Do not think for one second that you were the cause of your divorce. A real man would appreciate the love and focus that you were providing to his children.
My bet is that you were a very loving and attentive wife, you are just searching for reasons as to why your marriage ended. Do not do it! It is unfortunate that some of us who were truly committed to our families just happened to marry people that did not share our core values. It is very common today.
One person finds joy in raising a family and watching his children flourish, the other is completely self absorbed. You will never understand or relate to the Walk Away Spouse, so do not waste your time. But... we all do it.
Personally, I believe you should have recovered after 5 years. My recommendation is for you to get a new counselor who can help you move on with your life. You are hoping to change the past which is impossible. It is time for you to look to the future.
Get a new counselor and start doing some things for yourself. You get an "A" for being a mom, I am sure that you can figure out how to get an "A" as a single woman who is committed to starting a new life. Do it for your kids! Make them proud of you!
You can do it!!!
Fish
Eyeslax
You are an amazing woman! Do not think for one second that you were the cause of your divorce. A real man would appreciate the love and focus that you were providing to his children.
My bet is that you were a very loving and attentive wife, you are just searching for reasons as to why your marriage ended. Do not do it! It is unfortunate that some of us who were truly committed to our families just happened to marry people that did not share our core values. It is very common today.
One person finds joy in raising a family and watching his children flourish, the other is completely self absorbed. You will never understand or relate to the Walk Away Spouse, so do not waste your time. But... we all do it.
Personally, I believe you should have recovered after 5 years. My recommendation is for you to get a new counselor who can help you move on with your life. You are hoping to change the past which is impossible. It is time for you to look to the future.
Get a new counselor and start doing some things for yourself. You get an "A" for being a mom, I am sure that you can figure out how to get an "A" as a single woman who is committed to starting a new life. Do it for your kids! Make them proud of you!
You can do it!!!
Fish
Fish, with all due respect, you have been on this board less than 2 months, how in the hell could you say that someone should be recovered in 5 years? I know people who have been divorced 20 years and STILL haven't recovered, and probably never will! I know another man who has been separated for over 5 years and is still stuck in limbo, not ready to move on, and probably never will. Different things effect everyone differently. There is no timetable to when someone should get over something. I do agree with what you said about changing the past, it can't be done, but that is also easier said than done. My advice to you is to take one day at a time, set several short range goals, get out to where you can meet some people, doesn't necessarily have to be a date, but I think that would do more for your self-esteem and confidence than anything. Take up a new hobby, try something new and interesting. Broaden you horizons, even if you don't feel like it. Remember this, when you try new things, you open new doors, maybe one of these new doors is the one you need to go through to pull yourself out of this! What do you have to lose???
BH
Last year when I was trying to save my marriage I was a regular on this board. I just started posting again as I enter the next phase of getting on with my life.
Based upon conversations with my therapist, with counseling, most people are fully recovered from divorce 1 - 2 years after the divorce is final. 5 years is a long time to suffer, a new counselor may be able to help expedite the process.
My post had nothing to do with finding a significant other. In my view, getting on with your life is finding "peace of mind" and pursuing a life that you truly enjoy.
For me, it is spending time with my daughter, building a social network, focusing on my career and pursuing athletic activities that I enjoy. I had a relationship with someone for 4+ months, unfortunately, she was on 10 and I was on 6. Long term, things may work out for us as a couple, but right now, I am not ready for a deep exclusive relationship. But I must admit... I really miss her cooking, her sense of humor and sleeping next to each other. Oh boy... I'm about to pick up the phone!
Good luck everyone! Let's all get on with our lives. Life is short.
Eyeslax,
There is no tometable for when the pain ends.But the pain should have eased by now.I have been at this five years myself.When the bomb first hit I was crushed beyond reason.I was so broken.
By the time I found the board I was so G-damn angry.I lashed out.Maybe I could have saved my marriage if I had found the board before I started lashing out.Who know.But by then my ex's affair was in full bloom and the damage I did with my anger sealed the coffin.Ex left me and our children.We have not seem him in almost five years.
At first it was hard.I couldn't funtion.I had never been on my own.I was scared.But I had to do it.I have five children.At the time four of them were teenagers.I have three sons and two daughters.My children were hurting.I was hurting.My children were so angry they took it out on the one person who was there.Me.At first I was reactive.If they acted out I yelled.They acted out more.I yelled more.......... On and on that went for a long time.
I finally had a friend pull me aside and tell me the truth.She told me I did not have that right.I didn't have the right to yell at them.They were hurting and I was hurting them back.My yelling at them put wounds on them that took a long time to heal.That was not fair of me.
But finally I stopped the yelling.It wasn't easy.It had become a habit to yell all the time.But when I did my children started to behave better.I now have a wonderful relationship with my children.They are all adults now except for one.
For a while I distracted myself to avoid the pain.I'm a poolplayer and I was going out three four nights a week.But that didn't work.The pain was still there.It wasn't until I learned to love myself that the pain started to heal.I learned to love the person I am by spending time with myself.
I have a large family and friends.When I needed to take some time to think I would call one of them to come and get my kids for the night.Sometimes for a weekend.
I would go get myself a nice dinner.I would read,I took long walks.I learned to be still with myself so that I could learn who I was.
Do you have a support system so that you can take a break?
I agree that maybe you are depressed.I could be wrong.But being a mother is hard work when you have a partner.It's even harder when you have to be both mother and father.Maybe you need to talk to your Dr. Or find a new IC.
But I will tell you that it will get better.But you have to learn to love yourself.
I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.
Later Friend
Briget
Today was the icing on the cake. what i mean by that is that it just couldn't get any worse.
I think I now know why I'm in this rut again. I am scared. A few weeks ago, I went to the Dept of Child Support Services and filed a case against the ex. He has not paid CS for 2 months and for the past 6+ months, he's only paying about 2/3. I was letting him slide understanding the economic situation of the country when he did not pay in full, but then all of a sudden he stopped paying without any type of explanation. The kind side of me felt sorry for him- honestly I did feel bad and another honest feeling I had was that I was scared to do anything about it. Then another month goes by and same thing- zero. Now I'm feeling like a pushover and still scared. Then I started thinking clearly and realized how stupid I am to let him get away with that. Of course, I tell no one about this. For 2 months, I just sat and waited like a sad little puppy dog. Too scared to ask him for it and too scared to do anything but thank goodness I still kept in touch with this one great gal in my previous divorce therapy group and she told me all about the free services. So I mustered up the courage to go and file a case against him and now until the kids turn 18, the Dept of CS Services will be the ones who collect from him and in return make payments to me. It was a real scary thing to do let me tell you. I didn't tell a sole what was going on until after i did it when i just felt this overwhelming relief that I can not explain. Then I was able to tell a close friend of mine who i sometimes confide in regarding all the drama with X. And she gave me this look like, "Duh! of course he has to pay! He can't just NOT pay! That's why they have laws like they do! Don't feel bad!" And after that I knew what I did was right--though I do question it because I know all hell will break loose which it did tonight.
That's what I mean by the icing on the cake. Tongiht I went to pick up the kids from him and he came storming out the door. Basically we shouted at each other a good 5-7 minutes, of course it's infront of the kids. He obviously had no qualms coming out to confront me. And his parents are there too. We even got to a point where some neighbors started shouting at us out the window. Anyway, so it was just awful. I really should've kept my mouth shut but my goodness it felt good to get it out and scream at him. Everytime since the D, there has only been a few times where I've screamed at him, because I don't want the kids to see us like that. We were just totally in each other's faces and I just didn't want to back down. It was awful for the kids, I tell you, and afterwards we talked about it. My son asked me how come i just didn't ignore him and walk away. I said, you know son, that was something that I could've done. Maybe it would've been better if I did that because it's not good for you and your sister to see it. But a lot of times your father always thinks that he's so strong and powerful because he yells and says all these bad things about me to you guys when I'm not there. Well, I just want you guys to know that i am not afraid of him. Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. And then the kids both told me that sometimes they're afraid of him too. I said, I know and it's ok. One day, I think you guys will be able to say something back to him if you really feel it's important. Just like today, I felt it was important that he could not just think that he can come and yell and scream at me like that...
So anyway, it was just awful. Just plain awful. So the cat is out of the bag. I had been wondering if he had heard anything- obviously he did.
But I still do question myself--- I don't know if I did the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Why am I so scared?
And now, it's going to get even uglier because once the spark is lit, the whole thing goes up in flame. This is what i'm afraid of.
I think this is why i started posting again. I've been quiet and scared for too long. Atleast now i'm vocal and scared. Maybe I'm making progress? Maybe I've found an out in one of the endless circles I keep going in....
Hi again everyone. I just wanted to thank you all for all your support. I'm not really able to get online during the day and tongiht when I saw all the responses, I was so overwhelmed. I really feel great having such unconditional support!
Everyone tells me to find new things for myself, my kids, etc... go out, date, etc.. They say things like that will make me feel better. And honestly, I really have! You would not believe what I have done to turn my life around. My life is totally different now. When I got D'd 5 years ago, I took up cycling. I was really into it-- did a city race almost every two months for the first year, then "slacked" off the 2nd year because I also took up Tae Kwon Do. Now, 4 years later, I am about to get my Black Belt next month. Both my son and my daughter also take TKD and my son will be getting his Black Belt next Spring. Daughter still has a way to go cuz she was not old enough to start at the time Son and I started. And, son also cycles with me too on occasion when he has time. And believe me he will pass me up soon, i tell you! We've done a few races together too and he has done some kid races. Everyone in our TKD studio knows our family so well and in fact, that is where my new family of friends are from. They are my closest friends. How's that for "trying something new"? I think I've done good there personally!
And as far as the dating scene.... I've been dating this guy for 3 years which i would categorize as "seriously casual". My kids love hiim and he loves my kids too but he has not once spent the night here when they have been here. He used to live very close by but now he has moved about 50 miles away. He is a wonderful guy and I could see myself with him but he's got his own commitment issues. I have my issues too. One is I hate all the hostilities with the X and just can't seem to fully give my all to the new guy. I think I've done ok here.
And after not working for approx 6 years, I did start working again. That was totally scary- thinking I'd have to start at the bottom again- which I did for awhile, but now I have it worked out where I make my own schedule and still get paid decent money. I can set my own schedule according to when I have to pick up the kids, etc... That took some sweat, but i paid my dues and now I feel comfortable. I've done ok here too.
And when I don't have the kids, I like to be by myself. I will workout like crazy when they are not around, get housework done, get organized, go shop for little necessities for them, and most of all SLEEP!!! I'll also go out with my guy when our schedules allow (We have really different and conflicting work schedules.)
I know that I have issues and I know what i do wrong and I'm trying to love myself still regardless. I also think that I need to accept myself and my situation which most of the time I think I do, but if I'm feeling like this, perhaps I am not?? Who knows???
So, on the outside it looks like I've done ok, but on the inside I'm still in the same place.
But honestly, after tonight, after the yuckiness has come out, I do feel better. I feel relieved.
EA,
I went through something similar with my ex and child support. However, here in the state of Ohio, it is ALWAYS handled through the state's dept. of jobs and family services. All payments must be processed through them if there is any court order for such (through a divorce, a filing with single parents, etc.) For about the first 5-6 months post-D, the ex had the payments taken and sent to me no problem. Then he lost his job (I think he deliberately screwed it up), and I saw nothing for quite some time. Then he got a tax refund, which the state sniffed out and lifted from his bank account. (By this time, he was seriously in arrears and the tax return only put a dent into the arrears.) We played games with this for a long time. Here, if you don't pay up, you can lose your driver's license, be put in jail, or worse. I went to the hearings but the ex didn't even put in a word to defend himself (wouldn't show up). But I got the "revenge" thing because his OW would get upset with me because of course, it was a substantial amount of money.
What happened with the screaming just shows he's angry, inconsiderate, confused, and probably pretty messed up. He was hoping you'd be that passive little puppy dog just waiting...it puts him in control of the situation. You needed to be assertive and showed him that.
You are scared because change is sometimes a scary thing. We don't always know where it's going to take us. Just be confident in the knowledge that what happened, your ex probably needed or asked for on some level (even if it's not obvious to you). He needed a good ol' 2X4 upside the head. I too had to get into my ex's face a few times.
My ex was much the same way...argumentative, nasty, a blowhard, general jack@$$ when we divorced. Totally in denial about what was going on. It was all about him. He didn't think he was harming anyone or doing anything wrong. All I can say is you do get through it, around it, under it, or somehow manage to live through it. And it generally gets better.
Can you find a way to NOT have to deal with him? I realize you have young kids but any CS issues now can be deal with through the state. How old are your kids? If they're old enough, can you just let them walk to your car when you pick them up or let them walk to the ex's door without you have to go in? Can you have someone else pick up/deliver them? Anything to keep away from this nasty butthead? Who cares if he heard anything from the state? It's not your problem how he pays or what happens to him through the state. Your only concern: you get the payments.
You did good by standing up to him. The kids WILL live through it, they will survive, and they know their mom loves them.
As for the tae kwon do....I just saw it after submitting this msg...that's cool!!! Yes, that is doing something different! Enjoy it. My youngest did tae kwon do when she was elementary school and junior high. It really helped with her self esteem and confidence as well as was a really good thing for her athletic training, believe it or not--she played basketball.
Hey there,
Your ex sound like a real bully.
As for you...congrats on doing so much to improve your life. You really went out and GAL!
It sounds like you have done so much to make things better, it's unfair that you should still hurt inside, though I can relate.
I finally made the decision to try to get on AD's. If anything maybe it will clear my head a bit so that I can figure some other change out.
The other thing is that it seems your ex is still being a jerk and based on that I assume he has made no apologies for the pain he has caused, nor taken responsibility for the joy he has stolen from you. I think that it's so much easier to feel good inside and move forward when the other person is repentant or when something in life happens to show you that this all happened for a good reason, for some larger good.
Maybe try asking God to reveal to you why this all had to happen. I've done this and had moments of clarity (albeit fleeting)
Wow, this is the time when we really miss the old timers. Honey, I will spare you my story but I have been around long enough to tell you that 5 years after a long time marriage is not enough for most people. It's nice for the people who have found new relationships early on in the healing process. For many of us this is not the best way to heal. Be kind to yourself every single day. You are not a horrible person. Something I heard most recently that helped with detachment was do not attach belief about your self to a life event. Wonder