When divorce drives a friend crazy

I know I went where all others knew better than to go, and now I don't like it. I met an Indian woman, from India, about a year ago who lives in my neighborhood and wanted a friend. So I befriended her. She was separated from her H and he wanted a divorce. She didn't. He's a successful Dr. and makes a lot of money. She feels that since she was a good wife and worked hard as his wife and also at a job while she was married that he should support her now. He is trying to ditch her bigtime. He has witnesses in divorce court saying that she definitely can get a job, even though she has applied for many jobs and has not been offerred any.

All these months I've listened to her story, when no one else did, because in India you don't get divorced. So none of her old friends can understand or sympathize -- they judge her as a reject. Last week she went to court in L.A. She's back and just asked me nicely to come visit.

So I went. She starts out nicely telling the story, then all of a sudden she starts spewing all this anger on me. Yelling that she doesn't have to get a job if she doesn't want a job....on and on.

I hit the door running. So now what do it do? I can't be her friend, because I don't want to hear the spew that she wants to tell her husband, but can't. But how do I withdraw from the situation? She tells me I'm her only friend.

Sara,

All you can do is to be honest with her. If it's true that you are her only friend then she has 2 choices. Either she can honor what you ask of her, or she loses her only friend.

Personally, I think she's guilting you and I can't believe you would want to be in such a selfish, onesided relationship?

Belive me, people like that will always find someone else to dump on!

Good luck..........

Thanks Beth,

A couple of months ago I was telling my daughter about some of the things she said, and my daughter said, "I think she's losing it." I think my daughter is right. She was losing touch with reality then, and now she's really gone. This divorce has destroyed her.

I suggested a while back that she try to get court ordered counseling, but she won't do it. Why do people refuse to get counseling when they obviously need it?

Anyway, I don't think I can go over there anymore. I don't mind hearing a little about someone's troubles, but I can't obsess her.

Sara,

Quote:

Why do people refuse to get counseling when they obviously need it?

In my case, it would have meant facing things that I wasn't able to face at the time, the same things I'd spent a lifetime fleeing. That experience colors my view of most WAs and their (sometimes bizarre) actions.

Everyone has to live with their own past one way or another. If what she has used continues to work well enough for her, divorce or no divorce, well of anger or not, she'll keep using it. It seems to me that the key is redefining "works well enough" in light of how one's life is shaping up.

Thanks,

Joe