Hi everyone. I had some trouble with my other thread, things have changed, so I thought I might as well start a new one.
I found out today that my X married the woman that he left me and our children for. It took him 5 years, but he finally did it. Apparently, they had a small ceremony a couple of weeks ago. His mother wasn't invited---but his Dad and his Step mother were there (which didn't surprise me, because they are so buddy buddy--she's the best thing that ever happened to him after all.)
It's been two weeks--he has had the boys one of those weekends, plus a couple of Tuesdays--and he hasn't told our children.
I don't know who this man is anymore. I am so disappointed, once more. I honestly don't know what I feel. I guess that I am not surprised--after all, it's been 5 years since he left. 1 1/2 since he stopped really hanging around here. Still, I have this hollow feeling. I've cried a little--maybe just for what I thought my life would be. Maybe for the loss that I feel my kids have had.
Maybe it's that little nagging feeling that he chose her over me once again in such a final way. Even tho' we all know that there is nothing final about marriage. We learned that the hard way. And even tho' I knew that he was never coming back here. Still, I guess there was always that little crack I had in the door. Well, he soundly slammed it in my face.
I guess I think that he could have had the decency to tell me. I think that I deserved that much from him. We were married 20 years, we had three children together---and I have to hear this from someone else.
Didn't our kids deserve to hear this from their father before the wedding date? It's not like it wasn't planned.
He has our kids tomorrow for a bit. My mother told me that if he doesn't tell them tomorrow, that I need to before they hear it somewhere else. I need opinions on this. I think that they need to know--I just am not sure that I should do it, at least not without telling him that I am going to.
So many feelings rolling around. Maybe this will be closure. I wish that I could bring myself to wish him happiness, but I can't....not with her. That may be petty,but I hope that they make each other miserable.
DNO
Why not tell him HE needs to tell the kids? Then he'll know you know also.
As for why he hasn't told the kids - hmmm, doesn't exactly sound like a guy who's thrilled and happy to be marrying his soulmate now, does he? Usually those delusional types want their kids to be IN the wedding! I'm guessing he's ambivalent, maybe he felt trapped into it, maybe he just did it for tax reasons. Whatever. Would you want to be HER, knowing he wouldn't even tell his own children that he married her???
Ellie
Hi guy! Thanks for the quick replies. My X has the boys today, and we will see if they have heard when I get home tonight. If not, I considered calling him and asking if he plans on telling them and when. Or heck, maybe I'll just sit them down and tell them myself. But then I think---maybe he should be the one to see their faces when he tells them.
I have been trying to warn them of this for a long time, since I felt that eventually it would come. Still, my sons didn't think that he ever would. After all, 'she's ugly, boring, and the biggest wimp'--they say. Apparently she has something--or they are both just needy people.
Today I feel ok--not as down as I thought that I would be, although I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. I didn't sleep well at all last night and kept waking up with that stupid Big and Rich wedding song in my head. Maybe he's finally found 'the one'.
I saw a show advertised--'The Starter Wife', and realized I was the starter wife. They say that is what the first wife is, the second is the trophy wife. Well, my X just got the booby prize!! :-)
DNO
Well, he didn't tell them Tuesday night either, so I tried to call him and got no answer. So I just thought, screw it, and decided to tell them on Wednesday. The only thing I regret depriving him of was the look on their faces, which broke my heart. I told my oldest son that if his dad didn't say anything about it this weekend, then he needed to ask him about it before they came home on Sunday.
Ellie, I really don't know what is going on as far as their relationship goes. I'm getting to the point that I really don't care anymore--and I personally hope that she is miserable. I think she's earned that. Maybe one day he'll wake up from his mid life crisis and realize what he lost. Maybe he'll always be in this altered state. His mother even told me that he had changed. I don't think that she means for the better.
I have decided to talk to a banker about the house loan. I don't know if any of you remember, but when we D'd, I got the house. I also got the loan. :-P Anyway, I went to the banker after the D and spoke with her about putting the loan in my name only. She thought that it would be in my best interest if I left it in both of our names due to closing costs, appraisal and raised interest rate. Especially since there were only 6 years left on the loan---if he didn't mind keeping it that way. He didn't, so I didn't change it. Now, I think I should. I have 5 years left now, and the house and 11 acres are mine. I thought about seeing if they would just loan against the acreage, since it is worth the amt. I have left on my loan. That would leave me the house free and clear. Any bankers out there?
I also wonder if he still has my name on his checking acct.--since he did as of about 6 months ago. What a moron. I told him when I received a debit card on his acct. that he needed to remove my name.
Oh, and I think that I had forgotten to tell you all about my friend. She had her thyroid and the 'growths' completely removed. They tested non cancerous!!! She's recovering from the surgery but will be back at work next week. Thanks to all of you who said a little prayer for her. I think that she was getting alot of prayers.
Anyway, enough for today. I'm removing wallpaper in my utility room (yuck!)--time for some more changes in this house! :-)
DNO
DNO -
I believe (but I'm no attorney) that the mortgage doesn't really matter, it's whose name is on the title. So long as the property is in your name only on the title, all the mortgage means is that if you stopped paying your payments they would go after him for the money - even though he doesn't own the property. You might want to check out the laws in your state in this regard.
Hopefully, if he's left you on his checking account, he's left you on his pension and life insurance too! I wouldn't remind him of a thing!
Ellie
Hi everyone. I have posted a couple of things on Chazz's thread, since some things that they were talking about hit home for me---but figured that I needed to post on my own thread.
Since I heard about the marriage, I have went into somewhat of a tailspin. I guess it was just the ripping open of old wounds, and my X holding the salt shaker.
Anyway, I have not been doing very well--angry and depressed I guess would be the words that would describe my mood lately. Deeply hurt.....yeah, that's another one.
Today, he brought the boys back before noon. I figured that on father's day he would want to spend more time with his boys, but that's what I get for thinking.
I have been worried about the property that my X owns that surrounds my house. Property that he has said from day one that he would deed to the boys. So after he did his dump and run today, which is the norm for him anymore, I called him. I asked him if he had deeded the property yet, and of course he hasn't. I told him that if he wanted the boys to have this property that he needed to deed it---that it should have been done before he married that woman (I can't even bring myself to call her by her name). I said that there was no way that woman would own the property around my house. He said, 'she doesn't own it'. I said, yes she does, she owned it the day you married her. You know that. I said unless you want her family to have it if something happens to you, you need to deed it to the boys---or give me a price and I will buy it from you. He said no, he would deed it. (We'll see)
Then I guess I just vented on him. I asked him if he had told his boys he married her, and he said that they already know. I said, I know, I'm the one that told them 2 1/2 weeks after you got married. 'They were so important to you that you included them in your life. You should have told them before you even married her that you were getting married.'
I told him that he had hurt me so badly. (Then I got totally upset, and why after 5 years I would allow myself to get so emotional just ticks me off. Why do I still let him bother me? Why do I still care?) I said something about him picking out his new wife before he even left the house (which basically he did). That he didn't even have the decency to tell me why. After 22 years with him I at least deserved that much.
I said other things, I don't really remember what. He just got totally quiet, and for all I know had laid the cell down on the truck seat. He's just so unemotional. Cold. He never says anything hateful--his tone is just stoney.
Then I said something like 'Go ahead and live your happy little life with her and buy whatever you want, because money was always most important to you. But I have the best thing that came from our marriage right here in their beds every night. And you walked away from it. Maybe one day you will realize how much you gave up.'
Then I hung up.
Why does he still bother me? Why can't I stay calm, cool and collected like he doesn't mean any more to me than I do to him? Does anyone have a trick for that?
I won't say that I feel any better about anything right now. But I feel ok with the fact that I vented my feelings to the person that needed to hear them. I doubt that he listened, cause I don't think that he cares. But it doesn't matter. I got it off my chest.
If he was here, I'd throw something at him. Something really big.
DNO
Yo DNO... oh man sister... I feel your pain.
I know those days all too well. The bewilderment of what the he## is going on and how did it ever come to all of this?
You mention the coldness and his heart of stone. I know that too. I believe so much of that could be denial and avoidance of what he knows to be right versus wrong. Ya... I am on a denial quest right now... it has so many shapes and colours so I try to spot it wherever it hides.
It sounds like his selfish personal bliss-quest with the OW supercedes the other important priorities you mention like the property and your sons. Is this not a testament that selfishness and denial can run that deep?
The term "Sociopath" often came to mind for me when experiencing the behaviour of my X. Definition being a person incapable of remorse or regret for their own actions. How can a person in our society where we have well-established knowledge and beliefs of right and wrong... such as lying and betrayal... can one harden themselves to the anguish they put other through? Unadulterated selfishness with a defensive line of denial is all I can conclude.
It sucks DNO! This is a plain fact from which we cannot escape... but we can get through. There were times when I did not think I could draw another breath for the pain I was in upon going through experiences like you describe.
I am glad you got it off your chest. It helps doesn't it? Glad you came here to do it rather than throw something.
Ciao.
Chaz
DNO - I hope he does right by his sons and deeds the property to them. I cant understand, for whatever reason, why he wouldnt tell them about his re-marrying, did he think they wouldnt find out?
Why does he still bother me? Why can't I stay calm, cool and collected like he doesn't mean any more to me than I do to him? Does anyone have a trick for that?
I'm sure the given situation has alot to do with why things still bother you right now - how can they not? Something like that is bound to bring out all sorts of emotions - especially the deep hurt you feel. But even if it was only the seat cushion you vented on, it sounds like it would have ended up going in one ear and out the other anyhow, but at least you got it out and said what you felt you needed to say.
Im sure there are people here who will give you way better insight but I hope you find yourself feeling better soon!
Being pretty new here, I don't know if I can offer you anything, but I would like to first of all say, I feel for you and I know how you feel, My WAW is now pregnant by the OM, and this all happened in less than 6 months, since I left, the D is not final, yet. but probably soon. I know the hurt very well, and reading your post, I find myself wondering the same thing, why do I care? after what she has done to me. The only thing I can come up with, is we hurt, because we care, I have tried to deny it, and fight it with every ounce of my being, but when it is all said and done, I have to admit it. Sometimes, I don't want to love her anymore, but I just can't help it, I too am wondering where is my limit, when will it stop? I haven't reached it yet, obviously, and I may never. But just like you, I am going to go on with my life, not for her, but for me. I just wanted to let you know, you are an inspiration to me, as are mostly everyone here is.
Like I said this is all new to me, and I hope that when/if the day comes that she marries the OM, or anyone else for that matter, I know I will be hurt, that just means I am still able to love.
My 2 cents,
DNO...
An afterthought on the more base, primative level....
How about you just get someone to go b#tch-slap the mo-fo?
Never underestimate the value of a good beating!
Chaz
DNO~~its' simple~~Because you love him still, as I do my H,,it will take many years to get over him, but the pain will lessen w/time from what I hear,,i'm going thru it myself & i'm not even D'd yet! Just the sep. was too long!
Its' like a death of a loved one thats' how I would describe the pain,,I hope & pray you get thru this quickly! Good luck, keep coming here for support & love on those boys like theres' no tomorrow!
RAIN~~I cannot fathom what you must be going thru ,,maybe 'hell on Earth'?!
Keep your chin up & remember that you don't have the "chains of wickedness" your stbx will be carrying around for the rest of her life! Thats' just so wrong,,I hope & pray for a speedy recovery for you as well!
Peace friends,
Kim
Thank you, Kim07, I hope the same for you as well.
DNO,
OMG he married her, what an a$$. He is truly lost DNO. Listen, now really think about this because I have to do this myself. Really, really ask yourself, Would you really want this man back? He's not the man you married. He's not the man your mourning. Ask yourself, if he was to come back in your life, the man he is today, the man he is now, WOULD YOU WANT HIM?
I'm sure the answer would be NO. DNO, you feel this way because you love him, you probably always will, but........he was different then, the love you feel is for that man that use to be. He's not that man anymore.
I will write more later...........please think of what I'm saying.
Take care,
Love Friend
DNO,
I was sorry to read this as well, but listen to FRIEND. These are the hard, cold, fact that we all have to face sooner or later.
The love I had was for the guy I married. The guy I married would never have done the things that this man has done, especially to his children, nor would the guy that you loved.
The only person that you can make happy now is you. It doesn't really matter what he's done or is doing. All of the crap that he's put you through speaks volumes about where he is at the present in his emotional journey. Look how unhealthy all of this is for you.
We all know how it feel to think you know someone so well and to have the rug suddenly and unexpectedly pulled out from under us but there is a new life out there for you. You just have to want to moved on and find it.
Love,
Bethie
Thanks for all of your responses. I am better now--I suppose after so many years of this, the bouncing back time gets shorter and shorter. I expected that he would marry the old hag eventually---still, I think he's a complete idiot. He settled to wallow in the mess that he made.
I really don't see him at all anymore, and it's probably for the best. I wish I could get beyond this anger that I feel every time his name or hers is mentioned. Mostly, I'm angry that he could throw us all away and move on to a new life like this one never even mattered. He can walk away from me and the boys and our home and start a brand new life with his bimbo and leave me here raising our kids alone and leaving me the mess to clean up and rebuild--knowing that my boys will never have a complete family or the life that they should have had. I make ends meet, and that's about it.
Still, I can live with myself. And you are right Friend---I would not want the man that he is today. I told him in our phone conversation (aka XH reaming) that the man I was married to died 5 years ago. And I meant it. My H died the day he chose to meet that hag and crawl into bed with her. He threw our marriage away for a roll in the hay. And I fully believe that it changed who he was inside. How could it not, when you are lying and cheating on your wife and children? It would have to change the person you are.
I spoke with my X's mother last weekend. She said that his sister is also divorcing after a long marriage. She also cheated on her spouse--although the sitches are totally different. Her H cheated on her years ago and has verbally abused her for as long as I can remember. She apparently was friends with a man and her H accused her (in front of all the people she works with apparently) of being a slut and sleeping with anyone. (I guess it was bad) I guess she went ahead and slept with the guy.
The funny thing is--I can see why she did it. She told her mother that this man listened and talked to her without screaming and yelling and calling her names. I'm not saying it was right, but knowing these 2 for the past 25 years, I can see how it happened.
But then it made me wonder if my X found someone that he felt listened to him--someone he could talk to, because he told his mother once that he couldn't talk to me. I don't know why--maybe because I'm so damned opinionated. Maybe it was all in his own mind. I don't know. Just got me thinking.
2x4---I know that it does not matter. Maybe I just don't want to repeat the same pattern with someone new someday. I even hate to think that I was considered anything like my X-BIL. They had the most volatile marriage I have ever seen. Fighting all the time and fighting nasty. We never did, but still, I wonder.
I'm taking the boys on a short vacation to St. Louis next week. Just a couple of days to get away, but not too far from home. I think that my mom is going too, which will be good for her. One more week of work, then I'm off for a week. I need it.
DNO
Hey there, I have been thinking about you and how you feel for a while. Please bear with me, this goes back a bit, but I remember your saying often "he left me and the children". Would it be possible to think he did not leave YOU, maybe instead think he just left? Like in went away? Like it had nothing to do with you and the children? You seem to be harboring a huge amount of guilt. You cannot just put that away and internalize blame for something that you did not do. It will hurt you forever. Honestly for some reason this crap happens and you will release it when you can.
I mention this only because after many years of therapy I have stopped allowing other people to judge me. It was a release that I can not explain exactly. But if you can stop judging yourself through his eyes... Maybe?? Wonder
Hey there DNO! I haven't been here in a while, but saw your post and had to answer.
But then it made me wonder if my X found someone that he felt listened to him--someone he could talk to, because he told his mother once that he couldn't talk to me. I don't know why--maybe because I'm so damned opinionated. Maybe it was all in his own mind. I don't know. Just got me thinking.
2x4---I know that it does not matter.
DNO, he had every opportunity to talk to you. He didn't want to. He wanted something else. I've beaten myself up before because I felt as if I had talked to my X, it all would not have happened. But I was there, and I would have listened. I know I would have. You would have too. If they choose not to talk to you, that is something that's out of your control. God grant me the serenity....
Sure, if we could go back we would. But we can't. Nobody can DNO. So our X's chose to be weak and find comfort without telling us they needed it. They wanted it from somewhere else. They were the one who didn't take the vows seriously. We can't change that. We can only go forward. Your X is weak DNO, just like mine. He's made his bed, let him lie in it. You're too darned good of a woman to stay in this place. He has what he wants. You need to move forward and go after what you want. And by this time you should have a really good idea of what that is.
I always hope for your happiness DNO. Because you deserve it. You really, really do.
Hey DNO,
I hope things are better. With time they will be. The hurt will always be there, it just doesn't ever go away, how could it? But it does get easier. You know this.........try with all your heart to move on, it's so hard, we all know this, but give it all you have. You deserve it. We all do.
Love,
Friend
Hey, going out on a second date tonight cross your fingers, he seems to be a normal guy, lol which seems to be rare nowadays, lol. but guess what, I'm fine either way, and that's good.
Please call if you need to.
Hey Friend! I hope the second date went well. I haven't seen your thread on here---I barely found mine!
I've been up and down lately. More ups usually, but this weekend is a down.
My X had the boys this weekend--and I don't know why, but I always seem to feel hurt and then I'm combative when the boys come home. There's sadness and anger, and I don't know how to not let this bother me. My kids have a new family every other weekend. He introduced his new wife to old friends of ours this weekend. These friends live down by me. The X always talked and stuff with the male friend, and I saw him quite a bit helping the X work on the tractor and such.
Just once I would like someone to say "you left your wife and kids for that?" Just once. But everyone seems to be excepting and I don't know, it just hurts. Is this person really that wonderful? And what hurts the most is that I think my kids actually like her. I feel like I've been betrayed by them. Sometimes I feel very alone.
God, I think I need therapy.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else have to deal with kids and an X who married the old skank that broke up your marriage?
I think that I've crossed that fine line between love and hate. I just don't want to end up one of those bitter old women who is living with cats. The funny thing is, I've already got the cats.
DNO
There's sadness and anger, and I don't know how to not let this bother me. My kids have a new family every other weekend.
I struggle with this also, even though we are not divorced so H can't remarry yet. He has brough the kids around OW though, and has even brought her daughter along on some of his evening visits. it makes me nuts!
God, I think I need therapy.
I go, it helps!
I think that I've crossed that fine line between love and hate. I just don't want to end up one of those bitter old women who is living with cats. The funny thing is, I've already got the cats.
Well, at least you have a sense of humor about it. I kniow exactly how you feel, walking that line. How can you have loved someone and then be so hurt by them and not come out of it angry and bitter. I spend a lot of time with my therapist on that dilemna. I think we'll get there. It is hard to see that the person you invested so much time and effort into can "get over" you so quickly, like you never mattered, but what we have to realize is that they aren't really over the relationship either. They just stuck a bandaid (the OW) over their wounds and are pretending like the wound has healed. That isn't healthy, but that is their problem, not ours.
Hey DNO,
I haven't posted to you in ages.
Yeah, I feel that way from time to time. My ex never married skank and I have no contact with him whatsoever. But something that's always helped me is to remember that I really don't "know" the ex any longer. He's definitely not the same person I married 29 years ago. Gawd, was it really that long ago? I didn't marry someone who I would have believed would trade his M and family in for a sex, drugs, rock and roll life. Problem is, as we all go through life, we do change. The ex changed in a way I couldn't recognize him or even communicate with him. Don't know if it's a good thing to always go back and worry about that any more.
No you haven't been betrayed by your kids. In all reality, if they're like mine, they're very likely torn. I don't really know what it is like for boys (I have all girls), but they want to see their dad and have him be "dad," even though they're all grown up. Sheez, my oldest is 28! But they want to talk to their dad too and be with him. Unfortunately, he falls off the face of the earth on his binges so when they do see him, they deal with skank as best they can.
If you think you need therapy, go for it. It helps to get another perspective. Maybe someone within your church or just finding a good "coach" can help too. You sound like you need to know you're a beautiful, loving, kind person. And you are. Some reinforcement is always a good thing, no?
I have one cat. And h#ll NO will I ever be the crazy cat lady lol... I keep leaving the door open "accidentallly" to see if my cat will run away...and I keep finding her perched somewhere to spy on me LOL.
Good morning DNO,
I haven't "seen" you here in ages.
I can talk to you about boys since I have 3 of them. All kids are different, but at the same time similar.
Boys are like little men. They see the skank as someone new just like your X did. She shows them her happy, chirpy little self and boys really like that. Meanwhile, at your house they have chores, responsibilities, and it's you that has to make them do those things. It's a really tough thing to do, but you have to put your anger and hurt face away where they're concerned. Of course they love you, but expescially boys your kids' ages, they lean away from their moms at a certain age, just as girls lean towards their mothers after they reach a certain age.
DNO, show your boys that you're ok. Happiness is contagious. Try not to make them feel weird about coming home from the X's house after a weekend there. I know I had to bite my tongue for a long while after we split. Make them want to come home. You can even tell them to clean up their rooms with a smile on your face. Get your anger out in a different way. Talk to a therapist if that will help. Go take a class of some type to get it out, but get it out before they come home.
It's easy for that woman to be nice and happy all the time because she doesn't deal with the everyday yuckiness of having boys living in her house. Of all the things she's caused in your life, don't allow any more.
Hi DNO:
Just once I would like someone to say "you left your wife and kids for that?"
Most people typically don't say things like that to other people's faces. On the other hand, most people love to gossip and they do say things like that behind their back. And in all likelihood the OW knows this. You will always be the standard that she will fail to live up to.
I think it is a credit to you as a mother that you have created an environment where your kids feel that they have your permission to like OW. They need to heal and move past the D and part of that is some level of acceptance. If they hated OW - it would make them bitter and unhappy. They need to purge themselves of D related angst so they have room for the other issues they will face in their lives.
I am sorry that you are in pain. I think part of it is that you are still defining yourself by the X's actions. He did the things he did b/c of who he is - NOT b/c of who you are.
The facts of my situation are a little different so I don't know what else I can say that doesn't end up sounding trite... I am not sure if you have been to C - it may not be a bad idea to see one if you have not. There is nothing wrong with you or what you are thinking or feeling - you may just need a little help processing it.
take care,
AG
DNO,
I have felt every emotion you have, and yes it's so hard when it comes to your kids and the O/W. Mine are older now, and truly know what their Dad did and the O/W but they still don't really show it. When they're with them they might not like it to much but they do show them both respect. Even though my girls say they have little respect for him for what he did, he's still their Dad.
My girls have told me divorce was the hardest thing they ever had to go through and they have been so torn. I know this has damaged them for life I just pray they heal with time.
DNO, please go talk to someone, it really helps. I agree totally with what AG said about defining yourself by the X's actions. It's not you DNO, it's him. You need to hear that and believe it. It wasn't YOU.
Try to be the best actress you can when the boys come home from there. Smile, tell them your glad they're home.........and then go in the shower and scream. lol Don't let them see the Ex and O/W get to you, show them your way above them both.
That will get easier with time to.
Come here and vent, we all understand.
PS. I'm seeing a really nice guy, it's way to soon to tell what's going to happen, but he really seems nice. And no it's not the same one I went out on a second date with........Oh there's been so many I've lost track. lol
Talk soon,
Friend
DNO,
I've actually been in the position your boys are in. My biological Dad left my Mom and married the OW. My siblings and I all went to the wedding and anyone that looked at us could tell how angry we were!!! I was about 18 when this took place and my siblings were 17, 14 and 7. All of us felt the same about the entire mess.
However......in time we learned to accept her. Like you said, when we'd visit them, OW was happy, giving, fun, etc. She bent over backwards to make us accept her. At first, we did for my Dad's sake. Like everyone said, we all still loved him and wanted to spend time with him. We did NOT respect either of them. In time, I have to say that I ended up liking her a lot. Eventually, their M was NOT happy either and she was faithful to him when he was not faithful to her (gee, imagine that)!!
My Dad died of heart failure at 53. In spite of what he was and what he did, I miss him. He screwed up his life in so many ways but I forgave him for everything long before he died.
This sounds so trite, but, forgiveness really is for YOU. Hopefully, you'll be able to get to that point eventually.
If you're not seeing a T already, go see one. You've held on to this anger and bitterness long enough. You won't be happy until you let it go.
Hey there Friend!!!
DNO,
I apologize to you if I sounded trite earlier this morning. I was checking in before work and was in a rush. I hope you take anything I said as a matter of my having boys and you having boys. Mine are all older than yours and I only speak of what I've learned from having had three of them. Plus I have a daughter so I know the extreme differences between girls and boys.
I just had 6 boys in my house. They left to go fishing for a little while. They come here because they feel comfortable here. I make them clean up after themselves - and they do not mind. I talk to them. I usually smile at them. I feed them. I love them. I usually just let them be. And one of them is staying here temporarily until he goes to college in a few weeks because his parents kicked him out. I tell him to fix that. It's a goal of mine to try to help him get that fixed.
But what I'm trying say is boys need something different than girls. We as girls don't understand fully - I surely never will - how their minds work - they ARE from Mars.
But the one thing I've found is that boys do need females and males, and they love having laughter and smiles in their lives. I think that's more important than anything else to them. I know that MY boys have the option of either being here with me or there with their dad, and they choose to be here with me. Stability is a really big thing for them. For mine especially. They know I'm here. They know if there's a problem I will be here. It took me a long time to not have an attitude towards their dad. But once I let that go, they knew. My baby-baby boy still wants me to rub his head and his back. My other baby boy still wants me to be here when he gets home from work. That's what they need from me. So I try to give that to them.
I think we have to DB our sons. That's not to say we can't be ourselves, but if we take the right attitude, we can help both them and ourselves overcome this really tough time.
I agree with Queenie. Scream in your shower. Just don't let the boys hear you. They'll freak!
OK guys, I've got one for you.
Maybe those of you that have read my thread remember me talking about the friend of mine whose preacher husband left her and their four children for some bimbo about a year and a half ago.
Well, apparently last week, he married his bimbo. Funny thing is, the Judge has not signed the divorce decree from his marriage to my friend. Talk about not even letting the ink dry---there was no ink!!
I'm not sure of the legalities of this, but my friends lawyer (which was also mine) told her to let him find out for himself and let his new wife deal with the mess of it. Maybe the next wedding he will actually invite his own children to the wedding, not that they would want to go. Oh, and he's husband number four for his trophie wife. Another man that got stuck with the booby prize--or heck, maybe she did. :-P
DNO
These WA never dissapoint do they?? amazing!
#4?? yea well, there ya go
They are just such lost souls
How are you doing DNO?
I'm doing pretty well. The X has the boys this weekend. I went out with a friend last week and had a really good time. We celebrated her birthday---Mexican food and then went and saw Hairspray. No way that my boys would have sat through that. I liked it for the music--and John Travolta in a dress cracked me up. Just the mannerisms.
Not much going on with me otherwise. I've read the 7th Harry Potter book and sat through the Simpsons movie with my boys. Tomorrow I may go out and see if I can find some bargains in summer clearance. Or heck, maybe I'll climb into the pool--it's supposed to be 100 degrees tomorrow. Maybe I'll do both.:-)
My boys start back to school next week. Back to the grind for them--and I lose and hour of sleep every morning so that I can get them ready for school and the bus. Rats!!! I sure have been enjoying that extra hour.
DNO
Keep on keeping on DNO.
I'm glad to see your posts.
HUGS!!
Hi everyone. I had a funny little thing happen to me a bit ago and thought that I'd share---gave me a good laugh.
I live in a very rural area---one main road right through the middle of town (if you can call a post office and a gas station a town). I'm about a mile off the main road. Every once in a while I meet the old skank on the road going home from work. The X and her live further south down the main road, and I take a short jog north.
Sometimes it's like I'm a skank magnet, cause even when I'm running 10...15...20 minutes late, we will occasionally meet on this road.
So today, I'm 30 minutes later than normal---pull up to the intersection, and what do I see, but her SUV traveling North---coming from the direction of their house and heading my way. I know that it's them on their regular Thursday night 'date a skank' night, so I sit there and let them pass in front of me. I can't see her (and haven't seen her in the 5 years that she's been shagging my x). But my X was what made me laugh. I'm sure that he was thinking (or maybe even saying out loud 'oh sh!t!!') He drove by without looking directly at me (but I know he saw me because there was no way that he could miss me)---and had put his arm up in a way to block his face as much as possible. (you know, hand on the side of the face and arm crooked up on the door frame).
Besides the fact that I followed his progress with my whole head, grinning like a possum the entire time he passed----I also pulled out behind him and sped up enough that I was fairly close behind. Right before my turn off, I grinned great big and gave them the big back and forth parade wave through the front glass. I figured he was googling off through the rearview big time---and heck--she probably had her nose pressed to the side mirror.
Then I turned down my road and laughed my a$$ off!!! Here's to you and your old hag too! Enjoy your dinner---hope she chokes on her steak!!! :-) I hope seeing me put a little damper on his dinner.
Heck, if we had had a regular weekly date, maybe we would still be together.
Funny thing is, he called me last week about our youngest son's school woes--and proceeded to talk to me for 15 min. about his sister's problems.
H showed up at the house Monday and actually came in (something he hasn't done in forever). He avoids me like the plague. Monday would have been our 25th anniversary -- if......Of course he was checking on a sick calf, and talked to me for about 5 minutes in the yard. I got a feeling he knew what the day was--but he never said a word. Of course neither did I--but I did buy myself a nice bouquet of flowers that day.
Then Tuesday, he called and said that he was taking the boys to get pizza (I was at work) and had I tried the take and bake pizza--it was really good. He'd wait til later to cook it and save me a piece. When they went to get it, he had our middle son call and ask if I wanted cinnamon sticks or bread sticks.
I totally had flashbacks to his earlier days of weirdness.
Anyway, tomorrow evening I'm supposed to go have dinner with a couple of friends. One is the woman whose preacher X just married his skank and left her with 4 kids. Apparently they are having a reception tomorrow---sent a little note to those invited saying that they married on the day they shared their first kiss 26 years ago. How sweet. Didn't mention the 17 year marriage and 4 kids in between. This guy has some brass ones, I'm telling you. We call him sparky! I'm sure you can figure out why.:-)
Later, DNO
Hey there. On my first anny after the separation, my sis sent me a dozen pink roses. It was so sweet of her.
That's soooo funny that X was hiding his face. Like if he can't see you, you can't see him???? My dog does that when he's in trouble. He puts his head under the couch.
You sound like you're doing great!!! I'm glad you're getting out with friends and having fun. Keep on keeping on!!!!
DNO
That is priceless!!
Too funny. I hope they were soooo uncomfortable
and I love your " date a skank" night! LOL
You sound good. Have a great weekend!
Hi all. Just wanted your thoughts on something that happened today. See if we come to the same conclusions.
I had a man that I know come into work today----he works for an area newspaper and used to come in to get updates for the paper on anything going on at the library--and then just to stand and chit chat. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in quite a while because they had moved him to cover other things.
So he comes in chit chatting, and then leads up to telling me that he's having trouble with his wife (they have two children--11 and 6 I think) and he may be out on the prowl shortly.
I told him that divorce wasn't all it was cracked up to be (except maybe for the one that took off) and advised him to get Divorce Remedy and couseling. He said that couseling cost too much, that his wife already had suggested it. I then told him that maybe if he was already out looking for someone new, he wasn't totally committed to his marriage or his wife, and that maybe he needed to think about his priorities. Divorce is not a cake walk.
He implied that he might just ask me out, when he's available. And I don't know about you, but I had a man that didn't think I was worth the effort--who didn't want to go to couseling---who just ran away from what he persieved as problems instead of making me, our marriage and children a priority, and I'm not sure that I want another one that would just give up without a fight. Especially one that is already searching for the replacement. How needy is that?! Hits a raw spot since my X just married my 'replacement'. (Still think that he got the booby prize) :-)
Anyone want to weigh in on this?
DNO
YIKES!!! I wouldn't go near him with a 10 ft pole. He's still married, isn't willing to work on it and I'm wondering if the reason his M is in trouble is because he's been on the prown for a long time.
Stay away from him, DNO. You deserve better!!!!
And I don't know about you, but I had a man that didn't think I was worth the effort--who didn't want to go to couseling---who just ran away from what he persieved as problems instead of making me, our marriage and children a priority, and I'm not sure that I want another one that would just give up without a fight. Especially one that is already searching for the replacement. How needy is that?! Hits a raw spot since my X just married my 'replacement'. (Still think that he got the booby prize) :-)
Anyone want to weigh in on this?
Run!!!! Run fast.
I think you already gave him good advice and he doesn't want to take it. he sounds like a typical WAS, looking for someone else immediately. Not a good choice!
Stay far, far away from that. All I can say, but bad people are out there. I do not like the sound of the story. Wonder
He implied he might ask you out when he's available? What a conceited, big headed toad! Like you are some lonely woman just waiting with baited breath for him to date? Every red flag in the book should be popping up, waving like crazy!
Seriously, you don't need this loser. You know it,too. Or your wouldn't be asking us what we think. You're bright, you spotted this one, too.
What a conceited, big headed toad
LOL love that!
they are right on DNO, YOU deserve the best and I'm not thinking hes the best!!
Personally I think that that might have been his sloppy way (more than conceited way)of feeling you out, but you already knew that. You really don't need our opinion. You are 1 smart cookie!
Love,
Bethie
Hey DNO. How have you been? Send me an email sometime if you still have my email address. I wanted to check on you.
Hugs!
MAL
Yeah DNO, where are you? I hope everythings OK? Please let us know your doing alright!
DNO,
We hope to hear from you soon. I hope you're doing well and things for you have gotten better. If we don't hear from you, I wish you a happy Christmas.
How's it going MAL? I know I promised to drop in a long time ago but never really got around to it. Probably avoidance issues.
Anyway, I'm glad to see the good news you've posted here and I hope the absence from the board means you are having one helluva great time.
Take care and be good.