G’day Denver,
I just read all of what you had written and must confess I had to heave a huge sigh.
The reason being that I know firsthand
exactly what you are going through.
Been there, done that and have the scars.
Regarding your update, all of it is very encouraging. Your wife wants to enlist you as an ally in getting this pile of sh*t OM out of your lives. This is very significant.
Update... running into some inner turmoil...
This is going to happen again. You
will experience waves of resentment as a result of what you have been through for a while. It hurts, really it does, but it does fade with time.
When I logged onto our verizen account, it was the first time that I had done so in over 2 years. When I originally confronted W about all of the texts and telephone calls with OM, she had changed the password. I never asked for it, but she voluntarily gave it to me a few months ago.
Again, highly significant that she would give you this.
Anyway, when I did this time, to change the parental controls on ss's phone, I apparently had too much time on my hands.
This kind of stuff will unfortunately get the better of all of us from time to time..
I decided to go back and look at W's telephone records from a year ago
Yep.
When doing this, I told myself that I could handle whatever I found because things are good now. Besides, I told myself, I always assumed that W had not been completely honest during the times when we were hanging out supposedly trying to work towards piecing.
I tell the newcomers this all the time:
All Cheaters Lie. You can tell they are lying because their mouths are moving.
If your Mrs. had an OM then she definitely would have lied to you if and when it suited her.
It really cuts to the core, arguably more so than the physical reality of banging an OM, but it is what it is.
Affairs act like a drug in the cheater’s blood.
Cheating wives (or husbands) will lie with every breath in order to keep the H plate and the OM plate spinning.
I busted a her lying or omitting the truth a few times, but I never really thought that I had caught her every time.
See what I mean?
You wouldn’t have caught her every time but so what? It doesn’t matter so much now, even though the anger you likely feel due to the lies is raw.
What I found...
1) there were long periods of time where W had told me that she was not having contact with OM bc she was working on us, where she WAS telling the truth. At least according to her phone records.
Good.
Rule of Thumb: If you’re intuition says she wasn’t lying then it’s probably (no, definitely) right.
The reason that this one bothers me now is that, on May 7th, the date that I blew a gasket, W swore to me that she had not been talking with OM. The date of the 1 1/2 hour call was May 5th. I told her I wanted a D on May 8th... why? Bc something was telling me that W was not being honest. Which leads me to #3...
Your intuition is virtually never wrong.
3) That it seems that every single time that I either busted W lying, or that I had a sense that something was wrong, there was contact with OM in the days preceding.
See?
Read my highlighted bits again.
Do you see why your intuition is never wrong?
Experience.
There is no smoke without fire.
It has been my experience also that if your wife is otherwise well adjusted there is no dishonesty without contact with OM.
In fact, it seems that these were the only times that W was having contact with OM.
See?
On the bright side, it seems that I had a pretty good instinct for some how knowing.
See?
Always trust Old Man Intuition.
So why is this bothering me when things are so good now?
Because the person you love the most in this world, your wife, lied through her teeth to you, tried to deceive you, lead you up the garden path and tried taking you for a total idiot.
So did mine.
Both you and I took a strong stand about being taken for chumps, severed contact with our wives, and we both had our wives come back to us making overtures about wanting to “put things right”.
But you just discovered more lies. And it hurts, even if it took place a while ago now. Even if she is sorry about everything that happened and wants to build a new life together with you.
It’s OK to feel hurt about that.
So, how do you deal with it all now?
I keep telling myself that I am causing problems bc of things that are history.
You haven’t caused any problems yet, but when the past finds its way into the present then you can experience a few problems for sure.
I could barely talk to my W this last weekend, let alone touch her. On the outside, I told her that I was just upset about some work stuff... on the inside, I was furious with her.
There’s no point in you getting dishonest as well.
Finally, on Sunday, she went off on me. I calmed her down and told her that I knew that I was leaving her in the dark about what is going on with me. But, I told her, I do not want to talk about it.
Careful here, that can be hurtful for the other spouse if they’re shut down. Just ask RegretfulLA on her thread.
She said that if we don't talk, nothing can be fixed and that I will just eventually go off on her about whatever is bothering me.
She is right.
I reiterated that I do not want to talk about it and that nothing needed to be fixed...
Nothing needs to be “fixed” but something certainly needs to be
expressed and
in the right way.
W dropped the topic. I have since been acting as if nothing is wrong.
The problem has not gone away.
W and I have been getting along since, but there is tension between us. Me, bc of what I am thinking, and W, bc she knows that something is wrong with me.
She knows something is afoot which you both need to deal with.
You need to be the one to lead.
I do NOT believe that it is a good idea for me to talk to W about what I saw or what I am thinking as a result.
I would disagree.
You need to broach it with her, she
wants you to and
how you say it will determine the outcome, not necessarily what you say.
If I woke up in Denver’s shoes this is what I would say, when both of you are feeling relatively relaxed:
”W, there’s no easy way to tell you this but I know you’ve noticed I’ve been troubled and you’re anxious for me to share it with you...””I logged into the Verizon account the other day to reset SS’s parental controls after they lapse and I ended up looking at phone records from our dark time. I couldn’t help but notice inconsistencies between what you told me back then and what actually took place. As a result I’ve once again got raw feelings of having been deceived. Now, W, I love you very much an am not interested in punishing you for this. It’s a some time ago now. We’ve agreed to put it behind us but I was triggered by what I saw, I’m hurt and that’s just that. I’ll feel better soon and don’t want to say or do something I might regret, hence my reluctance to bring it up.”
“Like I said, I love you W and that’s that.”.
VOICE TONE: Detached, reflective, slower than normal, measured and laid back as if you’re talking about someone else. Imagine that you’re kicking back on a big couch as you’re saying it, as if you’re reminiscing whilst sipping a balloon of cognac and smoking a cigar.
How you do your “start up” in this conversation will determine the outcome. No finger pointing, no accusations, just calmly stating what is.
If I woke up in Denver’s shoes I would spend time mentally rehearsing this conversation and visualise it ending ideally.
You’ll find the words flow far more naturally off your tongue if you do this.
Then I’d get it done.
The rational side of me is sure that this isn't worth blowing my M up over... the emotional side is another story.
Marriage is an emotional as well as a rational experience Denver.
I am struggling with resentment. Resentment that W could so easily lie to me. So easily choose to risk hurting me like she was.
Those waves of resentment are going to keep coming Denver but they’re ephemeral for the most part, especially if your wife is sorry.
And they lessen in severity with time.
For the record, I did go through most of her phone records from the past 7 months (since we began piecing) and it seems that she has had zero contact with OM just like she has said.
I actually think you and Mrs. Denver are doing great. Really great.
Hang in there and keep going. Keep updating here and let us know how you’re travelling.
Best,
GH31