Bad dreams - DivorceBusting.com

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Just wondering if others who have recommitted have the bad dreams and how do you deal with those? I used to think detaching was difficult, but reattaching is even more difficult.... and I'm not even sure I want to go there. I never want to be where I was.

Well, now you have my challenge....

Do others grapple with this even after a good span of time?

Hi Root,

I have had the bad dreams too, and I hate it. I told my H about them, and he reassured me that it was just a dream. Reality was different. He was nice and gentle about it, and I felt better hearing it. That is why I don't like to take any medication before going to bed, because a lot of medications give me nightmares.

Yo root and sara,

Funny My dreams always involved being kidnaped by this gang of frustrated women. Their leader I think her name was Saffie and the second in comand YOYO. Make me their servent.I had to do what ever the other gang members wanted, Sara,Root,Lwb,NikB,Micheal,Red.

Well I guess it was not really a nightmare.....

Dr Love

Sara,
I know they are only dreams, but they are reminders that keep popping up and telling me "This happened... don't forget...."

Husband,
Very funny......

Well, I went and did something "bad." I found OW's photo. Gosh, I feel sick to my stomach. Why on earth did I ever want my marriage back? Am I deluding myself about this whole thing?

I had horrible dreams... In one we were sleeping in her apartment for some reason and the sinks were rusty and the faucet blew up on me and water went all over the kitchen. I was trying to wipe up the sludge and water when she and her XH came home and found me in the kitchen....... H was still in the bedroom... there were so many. Therapists would have a field day with me.

I have googled her. I ripped up a letter I found and then one day taped it back together to read again. All 33 pieces of it. I have a pic of her on my phone. I've spent hours looking at pics online of festivals in the city, just looking for her in crowds of millions. UGH. I've given her sooooo much more power than she EVER deserved or even had over him. Seriously.

It's been a few months though. We've been piecing for a year now and I'm actually one of the really, really happy ones. I swear. Scary huh. :-)

Your signature line, ROOT, is brilliant. I don't know you, but from how you write, I don't think you are deluding yourself. I think you are too aware to do that. The ones that are deluding themselves are the comfortable ones thinking "Not MY husband" when they see a story on the news.... the person I was before I realized that "happily ever after" was only a trick ending crafted by men who knew that no self-respecting princess would ever sign on if they knew the truth.

>> it's been a few months though. We've been piecing for a year now <<

It has been a few months since what? The dreams or the affair?.... but, if you've been piecing a year now I'm assuming the affair was awhile ago....

My husband's affair was well over a year, but itwe were separated and in divorce about a year and 4 months ago (and he stopped the D just before the first court date).

That is an interesting dream. It makes a lot of sense. Fortunately, I don't remember any of my recent ones too well (they fade), but they always seem to be about my husband either leaving or some relationship he's having. One interesting thing, I'm never surprised in the dreams and I'm not upset or frantic. Just mostly kind of sad. I feel a lot of loss. I'm realizing I still don't feel grounded even though he has been kind of an exemplarary husband in many ways.

I just wish we were closer. I still want to know about the A and that's something he will not talk about at all. He just says, "Get over it." The bad thing about this is I feel, if he can have secrets (and I see the details of the affair as secrets) why shouldn't I have some of my own.

ROOT,,

Nice to see you again,,i've been on and off the boards for the last 5-6months,,trying to 'piece' after Michele told me to hire an atty and get a D. So I did just that, had him served and everything,,then H found the opening to the tunnel or the forest for the trees or whatever and is seeing Michele alone or w/me currently. Convinced me to delay the court proceedings til after our trip to France. I want to be hopeful but not too much, if you know what I mean.

Good days and bad days, but its' all how you react and knowing that you can't control others but you can control yourself and thats' where the REAL power comes from!

About your sitch,,I have dreams about H all the time whether right next to him in the same bed or sleeping alone. Altho I have never been able to 'catch' him cheating, I come to the conclusion that he probably did @some point and not to dwell on it. The dreams will involve him w/a previous GF prior to 'US'.

Funny that you mention nightmares,,,H had a bad one last night, i've only witnessed 2 hes' had in the last almost 20yrs,,it scared me and I woke him & asked if he were o.k.,,he said yes but wouldn't elaborate about the theme. $\:\/$ I too am in the dream and I don't get real upset or yell either,,just sad. 'Get over it' sounds like my H too and I too feel that if he is not willing to open up to me then we cannot build a trusting foundation to our 'new' R,,,,,sooooo,,,IMO, since we girls have experienced life on our own and know that everything will be o.k. if our H's leave, that our subconcious' is letting us know that its' o.k. to accept what has happened in the past and start anew AND IF it doesn't work out it won't kill us and this too soon shall pass.

Its' also nice to remind our H's sometimes that they have crossed our boundries and we are NOT going back to the way things were before! 'I've just gotten out of the darkness into the light(got my life together) i'm NOT following you back to 'THE DARK SIDE'! $;\)$

Peace be with you & your sleep ROOT!

Kim

Hi Root,

Just me stopping by....House call ya know

Dr LOve

Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime

Yes, sorry I wasn't clear. Early in March '07 my H decided that it made sense when I explained that he didn't have to choose between his job and our marriage, but he did need to choose between OW and our marriage. His affair began in August '06-- so it was about 8 months in length. He lived with her the last 4-5 months of that.

The affair was over soon after that and we began LD piecing while S15(then) finished out the school year and I readied the house to sell so we could join him out of state. S16(now) and I have lived here with him since July '07.

Long story but I don't mind filling in any gaps-- for anyone, anytime. I don't have a signature line because there are too many variables in my sitch that need explanation. My 180's had to involve pursuit after (almost/sorta kinda) total detachment and it's a risk I wouldn't feel comfortable advising most newcomers to take. The short version in a sig line might cause someone to do what I did, and there are too many blanks I didn't post that require explanation before anyone else should try it just from looking up my old posts.

Quote:

My husband's affair was well over a year, but itwe were separated and in divorce about a year and 4 months ago (and he stopped the D just before the first court date).

Wow... an 11th hour save. Did he share more with you when you first got back together or has he been in non-disclosure mode all along? My H is ashamed and hates talking about it but when he sees that my imagination is worse than reality (if that's possible) he talks to reassure me.

A strange behavior he never had that he does now: I was the one traveling, out in the public, etc., in our "old life". I HAL and since moving want to GAL more but he doesn't like me going off on my own!

He took a job across the country and left me up there with a sports car to drive in the snow, a house/kids/life to take care of, etc., and now worries if I want to take off for the day across the lake. I'm working on figuring this out... Time I guess... TIME.

Root,

I have really bad dreams and even wake up crying badly sometimes - last time was about two weeks ago.

I have had a really bad month where I have been 'running away' from H and I can't work out why - I can only think I am scared of being hurt again. You are not alone. I don't want to realise one day I stayed because of fear rather than love. I don't think I have but sometimes I wonder.

On the whole I do believe that dreams are a good way of our subconscious dealing with these issues. I think bad dreams are healthy - they are very common with pregnant women.

I just want you to know I understand your pain.

I am going to send you an email that I was sent - just as a laugh as a tension release. i know sometimes you and I can 'come from the same place'!!!!!

((((BIG HUGS LADY)))))))))

Thanks for all the great comments and messages. Deauxlie I'm so intrigued by your post I'll have to read your threads when I have some extra time...

I wonder if some of our dreams could be the fears we try to keep at bay when trying to reattach and rebuild our marriages. The fears are real and we have a right to them, and yet we can't allow them to paralyze and control us. Somehow we have to have at least some belief in our marriages again.

I know I'm getting there, but it has been a winding path for me. Not so bumpy anymore, but more curved... I feel good in me, and I even have positive feelings most of the time for my husband, but I just feel so much more comfortable in my independence it's hard to give that up.

By the way, one positive thing... my husband actually answered a few of my questions. Not in too much depth (very typical), but it was some information. He told me a little about the overnight trip they took to Disneyland (when they got very drunk and had sex). That they didn't stay at the Disneyland Hotel, and instead were at a friend's condo. I have to say, this made me feel much better. I think of the Disneyland Hotel as more romantic and I had figured I'd never stay there again. So maybe now I would....maybe.....

Originally, a group of people from their class had planned to go stay there at the condo, and go to Disneyland for the day, but in the end they were the only two that actually went.

He shared with me that although he originally liked some things about her, there were things he didn't like (?). He said she was an unhappy person.

As I mentioned, he didn't go into any great detail, but just getting some information made me feel a little closer to him. I felt like he was confiding more and hiding less (although I'd still like to know every little bit of information... Unfortunately I tend to be a relentless seeker of info....).

I find that I'm super bothered by the idea of him "hiding information." I find that the more he tells me, even if it's painful, the better I feel because then it's not hidden. And I'm being trusted with the information....

Quote:

but reattaching is even more difficult.... and I'm not even sure I want to go there. I never want to be where I was.

I feel like this too. As my H gets closer to me and I feel like we are getting better..........

........ I actually feel terror at times b/c maybe I will lose myself once again and fall flat on my face....... etc. etc. etc.
*( I have been piecing for almost 2 years)

You know what sweetie? It is easier in my opinion to walk away and give up......... than to accept what he did and still love him and recommit even against all odds...... just my 2 cents.... $;\)$

I am sure Root you learned far too much to fall back into old patterns. You are one smart Lady.... just keep working thru this ......... $;\)$

I firmly believe once we are more "aware" we won't allow ourselves to go back there again.
I used to have the bad dreams alot..... now that in my Life he has become more supportive my dreams also reflect that.

he doesnt run anymore when I need help, he is right there helping me in my dreams now. $\:\)$ and also in my daytime hours $;\)$
Love and God Bless, ~Ali

Not so intriguing ROOT, I just didn't do a really good job updating and left lots of gaps. I jumped all over the place and my sitch is pretty disjointed. Personally I think it's kind of long winded, and I come off sounding like a cross between clueless and "mushy". I wasn't doing half as well as I thought I was and it shows. JMO.

Great insight about our dreams giving us a way to work out the fears and pain we keep inside as we attempt to reconcile "love's illusions" and reality. I should probably put quotation marks around the word *reality* too.

Anyhow, I can really relate to the disclosure. I moved to the general area where we had few memories together but he made many (gag)memories with xOW. I have to know if John Doe has met her. A movie will come on cable and if it's one that came out in the year I lost and he's seen it, I wonder if it was with her or one of the guys.

Sometimes I insist we go to places they did go so that I can replace the memories he had with her with new ones with me. Yeah, I've got this licked. I'm reaaaal healthy.

He *was* really cute when we went to a particular carnival last month though. As we got out of the car, I said "This is my first (carnival)!" He said, although he'd been the last two years, that this was his first one too. Because he was with me. He even teared up. Awww. See, do what works.

I wrote and deleted lots of posts about (not so) little white lies. Lies of omission. Watching that new game(?) show, The Moment of Truth-- I told him I was inventing the home edition. HA! It's got us discussing some good stuff though. Um, I also bought him some Pinnochio undies and said "Lie to me, baby..." OK so my personality is a bit warped-- but he does answer questions. Doesn't seem to open up on his own as much as he did. I don't blame him, it's tough to talk about and why the heck bring it up. [His thoughts. I think. We know how well I read his mind.]

Maybe I needed the more forthcoming and remorseful H in the beginning to feel secure enough. I miss the more frequent glimpse into his emotions, but happy is definitely more fun and healthy.

I think.

I always tell myself we have the next half of our life to get it all out there if we do this right.

I love how you expressed how disclosure feels-- like being trusted with the information. Exactly. Thank you for that.

Well.... I've been very busy with work and life. Last week I had a bee invasion at my home and although I couldn't contact a beekeeper in time to save the little guys I'm now researching beekeeping myself!!! Like I'd be able to keep bees in a crowded suburb!

Anyhow, Thank you Alimari and Deauxlie. Alimari, I know you've been struggling a long time too. Yes, in some ways I agree it's easier to move on. But, on the other hand, I can't say my friends who have done that are doing so much better. Some things are good in their lives. But they still have a lot of problems and struggles. Interestingly, I have noticed that in most cases (at least in my local group of friends) the LBS seems to do better than the WAS. Not always, but most of the time....

Deauxlie, I haven't had time to read too many of your threads, but I have read a few. Regardless of what you say, I think you sound pretty strong and I'm impressed with how well you've dealt with the situation.