Doing bathroom renovations is a lot like piecing a marriage together ya know?
It's a helluva alot of work. Lots or patching and ripping out of old stuff before you can put up the new stuff.. and a whole whack of crap (well not REAL crap) has to be pitched!
Today, H and I went out to lunch... at his invitation. First time since before pre bomb that we went out alone together. For about 15 panicky seconds I thought I was gonna hear... "ya know... this just isn't working" pulling the ole tell the bad news in the restaurant scenario... but... I got over that one really quickly and pulled up some PMA.
Had a nice quick lunch- just too hot at home to cook even with the A/C running full tilt - flirted a bit... smiled and even though there were a few awkward moments in my opinion, we had a nice time. I thanked him, he came home and promptly started snoring on the coach rather than lay down the new floor! sigh... so damn hard to get good help these days!
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif)
Old me would have been fuming about this. I figure it will get done when it gets done... and I will just have to live a little longer with baseboards, door frames, paint, trays etc etc in the middle of my living and dining room! This too shall soon pass... when H psychs himself up to get it done.
I am considering having a bathroom open house and serving cold drinks in the new fibreglass tub upstairs, and having folks test out the new loos and rating the comfort levels and colours of the new rooms.
Let me find ALL the links to my story.. it's only been 17 months on this forum and 20 since the bomb!
![[Roll Eyes]](images/icons/rolleyes.gif)
![[Cool]](images/icons/cool.gif)
Piece by piece... slowlee slowlee.... there is hope and faith and love... somewhere in this mess!
tree
![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif)
So...
We got a thread dedicated to bathroom humour?
Andy
![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif)
it's a bad trashy metaphor for my marriage perhaps? Or it is time to lighten up a bit.
Too much heavy duty stuff on the newbies forums... need to start laughing a little... not that the marriage isn't a serious thing... but.... hey... it's where my head is at these days...( not quite in the toilet) more on the decorating and colour phase actually!
And gee... I was hoping you'd be by here to please make the links for me to my long story of renovating... ( piecing) the R together! oh please... oh great guru of the links.... there's a coffee in it for ya?
![[Wink]](images/icons/wink.gif)
.
Put a copy of "Passionate Marriage" in the new loo.
Did I just suggest to put a book into the toilet? I mean to place the book into the room where the 'loo' is or . . .we call it the 'throne room'. You know what I mean. Sage took my copy of the book into there for reading material... I just smiled to myself and kept my mouth shut.
I got it Lily....
I call it H's throne room too! There will be a book shelf in there for him! The main floor one... I prefer to read in bed or with my feet up on the chesterfield.
And was thinking today as I read something both you and Wilma or Duchess talked about, that finding Passionate Marriage might be a good idea...
Shall see what I can sereptitiously pull off.
Glad to know you are here reading Lily!
And thanks Andy... great link-king! You can visit our throne room anytime! I'm buyin next time!
bathroom humour.... gotta love it!
Throne room, eh? Where's Duchess?
It's funny that you mentioned 17 months, Tree. It made me look at your registration date... March 02/2001.
Guess when I registered? April 02/2001. Spooky, eh?
It's no small wonder that renovations cause arguments, frustrations, and worse!
Today was the day the linoleum was to be glued down on top of the old floor in the teeny tiny Throne Room!
My goodness... glue is on the floor and H asks for help. Well, he kept telling me to DO THIS... and I guess I must have been doing THAT. His frustration level was going up, he's saying "no no NOT like THAT... like THIS!!" as his voice goes up. I refused to get engaged in his anger and frustration. I was at a meeting today... and picture this... there I was kneeling down between his legs with linoleum in my hands as he's barking out commands trying to drop the flooring on the opposite side of me.
He FINALLY explained what he wanted me to do in such a way that FINALLY I grasped it... and said... "oh... THIS is what you want! I can do THIS."
We get the piece of flooring on the floor, I have glue on my nice dress
because of course I wasn't doing it the 'right way'
.
It's down and done and he says "damn it's hard to get good help!" I say "damn right, and the direction they give... sheesh... takes four times before someone finally gets it right!" I smile and tell him I have to get back to work. Not a single F sharp outta my mouth!
This is sooooo new wave behavior for me. What would most of us had done in this situation? Probably would have said... F U pal... put your own damn floor on the ground. If you would talk so I understood or some such thing... and the entire event would have been blown totally out of proportion.
In any case I high tailed it back up to the office because the cursing was getting louder. Something didn't go right, but I just don't want to know! sigh...
Here's the mantra... this too shall pass... we shall have a lovely throne room... he's looking for perfection... this too shall pass.
tree
who hopes HER H never decides to post here!
![[Eek!]](images/icons/shocked.gif)
[ August 14, 2002, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: treesa2 ]
Wouldn't ya wanna read his posts tree? Doncha wanna get into his head?
Where's your spirit of adventure?
hey all.. I gotta take some time away from here. Getting too caught up in the many dramas.... LOL
Question for ya.,.. we are getting along... never any ILYs... renos are coming along.
So... 19th anniversary in 7 days. Last year... he acknowledged but did nothing. "Today's our anniversary!" "Yes it is" said I. whoopee... that's as exciting as it got.
I am tired of always initiating and getting nothing... so talk about your low expectations.
I am just really in a quandry about how to or what to do to "celebrate" For me, it's a surprise we even got THIS far.... after the rough couple of years we've had. So.... I am mulling but can't come up with any great but low expectation ideas....
Beats me , Treesa.
Our anniversary is this Sunday. We have a clown gig on Sat then will go to a nice motel that evening. I have no idea how to commemorate this day. Mentioned something to Sage but won't post about it unless we actually do it.
Hope you figure out something. Please don't leave the boards. . .please.
Tree-What would he do if you had a candle light dinner for him? Would it freak him out? I don't know much about your present sitch. It would show him it is special to you, and he just might enjoy it. Only probelm is that entails you having to do akll the work-I've got it! Order take out, bring it home and do the candlelight thing and rent a love story Movie. Not TOO mushy. I've been thinking about renting Fatal Attraction myself and popping it in and watching H reactions! Happy Anniversary-let us know what you came up with.
Keep posting-we need your humor! Rachael M.
oops now I get it: new thread. Hope your time away is helpful. Know how you feel I've taken a few of them too.
2L
I looked into taking a hot air balloon ride. Our 10th anniversary coming up in about 2 weeks and it's a tough day for yuky historical reasons. I thought we could do something to leave it all behind and the balloon and throwing some finely shreded writings of the bad stuff and saying some good stuff might help. H said he doesn't like "rituals". Maybe I'll go to a cliff I know on the day and do this by myself. Last time we were there I had an impulse to push him off! There was absolutely no danger of acting on it but it was awful that a thought like that could even go through my mind. I've come a long way since those days thank goodness!
H has taken off a couple days after the big day but with the house we'll need to keep it cheap so the baloon is out.
Three years ago we talked about renewing our vows on our tenth but doesn't look like anything like that will happen. Guess I should take the initiative to arrange something happy. I can do it!!!!!
2L
Hi Tree long time eh?
Reno's contributed to my sitch Im sure, but it sounds like you got a handle on it. Anniversary coming eh? Would a 180 be to not acknowledge yourself. Sounds like H is seemingly content. Whats with that? How can you make him not content? Are you prepared? When we slip into the comfort zones we can go on for years and years and not even realize where we are.
I dangerously have been spending a generous amount of time with an old friend and it has certainly peaked some interest in W. I have found that through all of this I am starving for some companionship. We are talking 12 May or so without a adult in my life. The girls continue to react as young children do and W sees the results but is still in blame mode. As far as I am concerned I have to let her stay there as long as she needs. But remember the cliche...when we point one finger at someone else three are pointing at our self.
Hi Tree!
Just stoping by to let you know I've printed out all of your threads and reading them like a book. I should be done soon. Your a great lady! Thank you so much for all of your great advice and support.
Laney
Trees:
Wow, I'm impressed with your thinking, will take a page out of your book.
I relate -- my H and I are working on repairs, too -- and I amaze myself
because forbearance is now in my repertoire. I'm not "fixing" things or
"cleaning things up" or "jumping up" these days.
For example, my H just walked in and made lunch for us. We had some
nice soup and sandwiches, he put on a new CD, then he reached out
and pulled on my hair and pulled me close and kissed me, one of those
"hey, how soon do you have to leave?" kisses and one thing led to
another and...
Well, those plates with crumbs, empty glasses, soup and tuna cans
and bread wrappers are still strewn around. The old me would have leapt
up and bustled, or bullied and guilt-tripped him for not.
Instead, here I am savoring an afterglow.
Honestly, who knew? Michele really opened my eyes about how men
open up and relate your way after you open up and relate their way.
I'm honestly getting the hang of this "wallpapering" or whatever it is.
Sound like you are, too -- good going! Glad I found your post today!
Bridget
Dar!!! Nice to see you here again.... well.... I am sure there are many "adults" where you are.... but when you say "adult" exactly what do you mean, eh??
So... anniversary... nary a word from either of us, although we did spend a really nice day together... running around looking for bits and pieces for one bathroom and the second starts this weekend.... But.... not a word. I am thinking part of that might be my reaction LAST year... when he said something and I acknowledged.... but I just can't make a fuss and not see a return.... it hurst too much.... even though he appears "engaged" who knows... it's working better.... I see it and feel it.... even in the sack... the style is changing.... I can tell! So.... slowlee slowlee.... sigh...
Bridget... thanks for the encouragement... It's why I keep posting.... if one or two people get something out of what I've been through and what other posters to my thread are teaching me etc, then it's been worth it. Ya done good on your part.... it truly is MUCH easier to just go with the flow than to try and control. It really does.
Tonight... H has gone out to a friend's. He's ben pretty much home all summer and friend's wife is out of town... so he's lettin loose. I told him if he was drinking too much to consider sleeping over there... so he didn't feel he had to drive home... that is sooooo NOT me.... LOL!!!
Should be a nice long weekend... the 14 yr old hormonally hit "me" daughter is gone to a friend's for the weekend... me and the little one ( who is developing her own personal attitude) and perhaps H will go see SPyKids 2 or Lilo and Stitich in between work on bathroom #2.... and perhaps I'll even get some organization work done around here. ( that really means get rid of a whole whack of clutter!)
good weekend all!
tree
Bathroom humor---yes, got to love it! Hope you don't mind me crashing the potty...
Hm, from your "humour" and "loo" I wonder if you're British? Then "potty" would mean...crazy?
I completely repainted the bathroom when I kicked H out. Painted huge orange poppies on the wall. Now that he's probably moving back in, I wonder if I should repaint something less in-your-face?
Good luck with your piecing and renovation---yes, I think they're related. And making over the space we live in can help externalize our "new starts."
Glo-2
Quote:
and perhaps I'll even get some organization work done around here. ( that really means get rid of a whole whack of clutter!)
I'm getting rid of a lot of clutter, too -- BamBamSr heads back to school! LOL!!
I'm on the road until Monday night, working Tuesday, and taking Wednesday off. That's the only day I have to organize the mess he leaves behind before rehearsals and the show take over my life!
wilma
Treesa, we have a joint C session tonight. I'd appreciate it if you scan my posts during the upcoming week; help me keep my head straight. Thanks!
Geez bumped back to Page two on this forum...
So lo and behold... H walks into the house yesterday and says... you forgot... Forgot what says I....
And he points to our anniversary date in the calendar. No I didn't forget I told him.
So he asks... why didn't you say anything? Well the kidlet was hanging around and I didn't want to say "because I didn't want to be disappointed again" so... I said.. with the confusion with the renovations and everything I guess we just got busy with that and left it at that.
He then got the year wrong thinking it was 1982... and I said... no dear... 1983... and he argued with me until I got out the wedding album with the invitation... Oh... he says... so twenty years next year.... ok... we'll celebrate next year...
So... a week late... but he said something... It was a why didn't YOU say something kind of thing... He completely and utterly forgot... sigh... oh well... maybe I'll try the reminder thing next year.
It's his 50th birthday tomorrow. Bought him a couple of new shirts, microfibre undies ( SEE even for men this is critical!)
and a new gear bag for all his sport equipment. Cake ordered and after he's finished putting the gyprock back where it was removed to deal with the new three piece tub/shower unit that was moved in... we'll have a little party. No big thing... he hated the 40th party I had... he says he doesn't like being the centre of attention... but I am not sure I believe that. But given the chaos in the house, I am not going for people in the house this weekend!
He gave me a hard time for not being a good blue collar workie cleaning up after him... I told him I was used to writing cheques and having workmen clean up after themselves. If he needs a workie he should tell me. "I just did" he says.. Honestly... the man is a prima donna when he puts on the toolbelt. sigh... OF course he is working really hard putting these renovations all together and of course I'll help. I told him I wasn't a mind reader and if he wanted or expected things of me, he had to tell me. and again I got "well I just did!" So I laughed and said... yep... you just did.
No yelling, no rudeness just a repeat... So much easier than escalation. But geez... he's good and he knows it and it's enough to make me run screaming from the house ... but man... have I got a gorgeous bathroom out of the deal!
later folks...
tree
trees,
our 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath that my H will remember.
I've taken to giving condolences to wives on their H's 50th b-day.
A gorgeous new bathroom is nothing to sneeze at---a hearty congrats for that one!
Glow
Y'know what I think tree?
I think you've set your expectations so low that he's not making any more effort than what is required to meet your expectations. At the same time, his expectations of you are still that you'll make all of the effort.
Maybe it's time to raise the bar a little.
Quoting ANS:
Y'know what I think tree?I think you've set your expectations so low that he's not making any more effort than what is required to meet your expectations. At the same time, his expectations of you are still that you'll make all of the effort. Maybe it's time to raise the bar a little.
HMMM good point Andy... I think I was sort of thinking this but not knowing quite how to articulate it.... so .... How or what do I do to raise expectations? I need some help here.
tree
It's another case of acting as-if. You hafta act as-if you expect something. You even hafta act disappointed. Even be disappointed when he doesn't live up to your expectations.
It hurts. I've tried to make myself "tough." But when you start expecting more, you're going back to those hurt feelings when your expectations aren't met.
Catch-22.
I've hopped back on the roller coaster. But things are a little different now. Because W is somehat less reactive (in a negative sense).
I still get knee-jerk reactions from her. I still get her trying to toughen me up. But I've been at this long enough that she can see how much I've changed. She won't mold me into someone I'm not, and she's starting to accept that. I also think she's starting to accept the fact that I accept her.
You and I have been at this for about the same amount of time, tree. We're within a month of being married on the same date.
I think that your H has had the same chance that my W has.
I started expecting to be invited out with her and her friends (which still mostly consists of MF), and now it's "normal" for her to do so. I don't expect to be there every time he's there. That would be too much.
I do my thing. W does her thing. I expect there to be some overlap, and there is.
I'm off work this week. Is W adapting her schedule to that fact? No. Was I expecting it? No. Is she trying to fit me in? Yes.
Because it's what I expect, and looking at it objectively, it's not unreasonable.
So here's a thing for you Andy... and whoever else might want to respond..
H's birthday yesterday was rather a bust due to some seriously obnoxious behavior from the 14 yr old. She was SUCH a brat that trying to make H's day a "special" one, really didn't work. We had a bit of a makeshift little do for him opening presents and eating cake, but nothing more than that. PLUS he was working on putting walls back together and and getting more of that bathroom renoavating done. blech way to spend your birthday I say!
I think I might tell rather than ask, that he and I go out for dinner - and call it a birthday plus late anniversary 'celebration'. Just push him out the door! No kids... ( they'll probably kill each other - the way the 14 yr old is behaving these days... but we have to get out I think!) I frankly think the 14 yr old would ruin any attempt we made to go out and have a nice family dinner in public. She's seriously into herself and sour these days when it comes to do anything as a family. sigh.... got to find the how to DB kids book!
Would it be expecting too much if I said... we are going out tonight... you deserve it, you've been working like a dog and we should enjoy a nice dinner somewhere and just drag him out the door?
Or would that be a little too forward? I get caught up in this because one of our things leading up to bomb was me always making these sorts of decisions and controlling it. Or... would it be better to ask... knowing that he will find a way to say we can't afford it, we shouldn't, blah blah blah.
Okay that's an assumption but I could be wrong... See!!!! 18 months later and I STILL wring my hands sometimes!
tree
Hi Tree,
The purpose of 180's is to break the patterns of behavior we have set - not eliminate them entirely. Goes back to the ole cliche "There's a time and place for everthing". The question to ask is will it bring you closer together? The fact that your motivation is to do something nice for him...
Quote:
we are going out tonight... you deserve it, you've been working like a dog and we should enjoy a nice dinner somewhere
should be appreciated and therfore bring you closer together...here is where you would know best, but if you looking for validation...I say, "GO FOR IT"...
'til later,
KAW
thanks KAW... reminders such as yours are what I need! Yep... that's what I was thinking. Funny... didn't even think about it as a 180... but that's what it is isn't it!
Eric... hmmm do I know you? Or are you just being a nice kind of encouraging success kind of guy? And ON TOP on MY thread even
tree
Tressa,
You posted to my threads about 10 months ago. I disapeared off this site soon after that and resurfaced a little over a week ago.
I think KAW is bang-on!!!! Couldn't have worded it better myself. OK, tree. there was a time when your H felt controlled by these kinds of things. The DB way is to eliminate this source of contention. But once the pattern is broken, and is seen to be broken, I can't see why things have to stay that way forever.
The worst thing to do is to go back to old patterns. But there's a difference between reverting to old patterns and occasionally doing something that was part of an old pattern.
Spontinaity is an important thing, tree. You can't spend the rest of your life planning everything in advance in order to avoid the perception that you're reverting to the bad old days. That would only create new "bad old days."
When we start DBing, we hafta go overboard to get the pendulum swinging in the other direction. But, there comes a time when we have to act more naturally.
The closer you get to centre, the less you should push - in either direction.
That's a great way of putting it, ANS!
Tree!
Do I get to vote too? I say make plans and surprise him. Andy hit the nail on the head (he's such a smart fellow!). The old pattern is gone. Don't look at it as if you would be forcing him to your will but trying to surprise him with something he might like. And to thank him for the new commode.
Take care,
betty
Hi Betty!!!
So nice to "see" you again.
And thanks for the pat on the ole male ego. I just hafta say that you're one smart cookie too (can't really say fellow, can I?)
Hope you're doing well.
hi tree
just wanted to thank you for pointing out the facts as they are to me, I know the only way to get help is to ask and ask nicely without my typical as you put it wiseass ways.
you have visited my threads in the past, I know it is hard to keep up with other peoples sits, i have followed a few and those that i followed closely have already given up and left the board (thus my plea) I think i handled things ok. but am still at a loss, would love to find myself in this forum and am yet afraid that i may.
looked for you on newcomers and am glad to find you over here!!
I have always enjoyed your cander on my thread and on others.
hope all is well for you!
LL
Hello Ms. T -
No context here since I haven't read all the way through but it's been a long time since I said hello...........hope you're still raisin' hell and the renovations are moving in the right direction
the Dawg
and I just want to tell you to keep up the good work! Would you please come and visit my thread and tell me how you became such an awesome DBer and how I can learn to be just like you?