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Not sure where I am so no title! Thought it was time for a quick update. I wrote a long one yesterday morning but lost it and couldn't face typing it out again!
So after all my spinning last week H came over on Friday for dinner and. movie. He knew D was going out and that she xpwoukdnr be there when he turned up. He bought wine and pudding.
The evening was as good as it gets but a big awkward at times. It's hard to relax around someone when there is an underlying tone of restraint to make sure there is no sign of any hope. When H was going he gave me a kiss and a hug and that is when if all went down hill. All the spinning I was doing the previous few days spun out if control and I sobbed my heart out whilst clinging to him. I just couldn't let go.
I asked him to come home an he said no. I said it felt like BD all over again ever time he came to leave and he cried. I begged him to tell me what had gone wrong to make him fall out of live and he woukdnt engage. I said I was just at that point that I needed to know what I can do to improve who I am, if not not for the marriage but myself and again he was silent. I asked him if it was still the case that he never loved me and him not feeling 'that way' about me anymore and saying he didn't think he ever did and he doesn't remember saying any of those things. In the end he stormed out of the house and I said i couldn't do this anymore. Afterwards I was so distraught I called him a couple of times but he wouldn't pick up so I left a whiny, sobbing message about how I thought he was a coward for refusing to talk to me.
I am so ashamed that I fell apart in that way. The thought of going through weeks and months of this just sent me over the edge. I think I may have blown my chances. D has said she doesn't want him to come over anymore as it is not good for me. She also selfishly feels he is getting in the way of her social life! H stopped texting D as much when he started coming over but low and behold Monday she gets a text asking how her weekend was and if she wanted any help getting me a Mothers Day present but she hasn't responded as yet. I'm scared that he might have been making baby steps and I've blown it.
This week I have felt sad and have cried a bit but I haven't been spinning as much which is a relief after feeling so out of control all these weeks. I know I didn't do very well but where do I go from here? Should I apologise to him for making such a scene or as my title says leave if up to God and just wait for him to make first contact? I'm such an idiot!
Coly, my heart is breaking for you right now. I don't know your story at all, but it is late and I am up and others might not be. While I don't know your story, I do relate to what happened. I bet everyone on this board does. We all have regret when we are trying to project strength and moving on. We are human though and inevitably we fail. The emotions of divorce and separation are overwhelming. Until someone experiences it, they have no idea.
Personally, I would not contact him. If he is like my H that will push him further away. Wiser people will give you advice on that though.
Sounds odd that your H would come to see your D when she was not at home and would bring wine. I can see how you would think this was leading somewhere. I believe my H uses my kids to get to me. Sounds like yours might be doing the same?
I don't believe that we have just one chance to get things right. Try not to view this as ruining everything. Use it as a lesson for how not to behave the next time. I think these folks have so much shame and guilt inside that dealing with emotions in front of the people they hurt is unbearable for them. He probably just needs to process what happened.
Hi Helies, thanks so much for your response especially as it is so late.
H knew D wasn't going to be home, I always warn him and leave it up to him if he still wants to come over and spend the evening with just me. He has always brought a bottle of wine on a Friday as we have or have been having dinner as a family twice a week.
I don't know if he will bother to contact me after this. I've had a few occasions after a long stretch of being strong where I have tipped over the edge and begged and pleaded for him to come home. Still after nearly a year!
I just so desperately want to put it right and drop him a text to apologise but like you say it might push him away further... D says I should be strong and not text him, after all he is the one who left so I have nothing to apologise for. IDK. What if I sent him just a little text....
ps - sorry for the spelling mistakes!!
pps - Sorry Job for not linking my previous thread, I tried but couldn't do it from my iPad... :0(
I read somewhere on this board, when in doubt, do nothing. Every time I have crossed that threshold I have been disappointed with myself. Hold off a bit and let the sage heads weigh in. Spinning can be hard. If you can't sleep listen to a guided meditation. If you have Prime they have some on there for free.
Sorry to hear about this Coly - and don't beat yourself up. We all have lapses and the important thing is to learn from them and keep moving forward.
From what you post, you can see that 'crying, begging and needy' Coly just pushes him away. He can't handle being around you when you are behaving in that way - it is probably painful and adds a pressure that is tough for him to bear.
However, when you are casual and conversational etc...he is able to manage being around you. And really it's up to you as to whether that works for you.
Also notice how you want to continue pursuing him (ie: send a text) in the hope that he will reassure you. Do you need that from him, or can you offer that to yourself and leave him be?
It really is important to recognise that he probably can't offer what you want just now. He doesn't want to be in a 'husbandly' relationship at this point. That doesn't reflect on you - it is primarily about where he is at just now. You remain lovable and worthy of connection and belonging however he may feel at this point. It's important to know that and not hang your own sense of self-worth on his opinion/behaviour towards you...
I would say draw back and spend some time focusing on you and how you want to grow and blossom....leave him be for now...
Xx
Sorry to read about your tough night col. what a tough spot to be in and I do feel your pain. Let it be for a few days.... time to pull back for own sake and the sake of any possible new relationship with your H.
Coly, I got a lump in my throat just reading through your last post. I did the same thing early on after BD; many, many times. I also got the same reaction. Its ok. Just dig in harder with DB. I truly believe that MLCers are cycling through hidden emotional turmoil so fast at first that they are not thinking/listening much, just spewing, and will forget anything you've said or done at this time.
It was like reading about an exchange with my XH, especially when you spoke of him not remembering what he said. I have a theory there. I think when they are so down and/ or angry at how their life is at that point, they need to focus on and blame others. We are closest to them so we get the blame. We all know people like this. People who always blame others for losing a job, getting hurt, not being able to pay bills...we just don't expect it to be our S. But that's where they are.
They also say some of the cruelest things because of this anger, but also to push us away. Funny thing is, as the anger dissipates and they aren't seeing us as much, they won't remember saying those things because they really don't feel them (maybe they did when they were angry because they created them). It will get better; especially if you can create some distance and prepare yourself when you interact to just be "light and breezy" (I took that from someone else), make eye contact, and not let anything they say or do affect you (in their presence...punch the wall AFTER they leave if you must). Its hard, but don't take it personally. There is an angry, desperate alien taking over your H right now. Distance yourself emotionally; its hard, but try to make it your goal. It helps.
(((Hugs))) to you and I'm pulling for you. No expectations from him; high expectations for yourself. Remind yourself to hold your head up, be above him, smile down on him. Be the queen or at least queen-like. Feel that power that wounded people can create from the tough scars. It gets better.
Coly - just sending you a giant hug - don't know what to say
(((((Coly)))))
(((Coly))) I just wrote you this long response and lost it! Gaahhh, I hate it when that happens! So I'll try again for a shorter version. First of all, giant hugs!!! It will be ok, I promise! Second, how can we get you to stop being so hard on yourself! My dear, please, please understand that your suffering is coming from inside you! You are sooo hard on yourself!
You haven't done anything wrong--ok, so you slipped up and told him how you feel. That's OK! I'm actually glad it happened. You are doing the impossible. He picked up and left you and D, broke your heart, gave you ZERO explanation, and now you have to have these dinners and be on perfect behavior. Have you really thought about what you are asking of yourself? Whoa! And FWIW I could never handle any of this.
I cracked all the time. I blew up at H 100 times. Once I texted him out of the blue "I hate you." Another time I chased him to the car, grabbed his backpack, and blocked him from leaving. Tuesdays were for "I love you, I'm your wife, how could you?" And Thursdays were more "I wish I never met you, you disgust me, never come back." Lol. So I'm exaggerating. A little bit. But you know what Coly Girl? He still came back. Not because of what I did or didn't do, but because he figured out over time in his own way what he wanted in life! Your H will too. But I care far more about what it is that YOU want. I don't think you want this.
I have no idea what your H will do. But I do know that it will not be because you got upset one evening. It's okay to lose your cool. I don't like the way he has treated you, the way he comes and goes, and I see that this sitch has really been hurting you. You're not honoring your feelings right now and I think its time to start doing that! Can you try something new now?
How about you do nothing to have an affect on him? Go dark, stay away, do not initiate any contact and do not apologize! You are only human. He doesn't deserve to see your vulnerability because he is not safe for you.
So please don't beat yourself up any more. Do the opposite; become the strong, independent, confident Coly that only a fool would leave! If he wants any kind of R with you moving forward, then it's time they are under your terms. No more awkward, superficial dinners. If he needs to man up and explain his position before spending time with you---if thats what you need--then by all means do what works for you. You deserve so much more than he can give right now.
So don't dwell on the past. It happened, and now you know this isn't working, and you do something different. You can do this!!!
XOXO
Blu
Coly,
Please don't apologize for not being able to link your threads from an IPad or cell phone. It's very difficult to do from those types of mediums.
I'm very, very sorry that things didn't turn out well and he stormed out...but I'm not at all surprised by his reaction to your asking him about returning home and/or the relationship. This is very typical of someone in crisis.
Coly, I would step back, regain my footing and put the focus on you and your daughter. Your daughter is right about one thing, the visits aren't helping you. She's a very smart young lady, so listen to her.
I wouldn't contact him, I would go dim and just wait him out. He'll disappear for a while, but I can assure you, you will hear from him again and when you do, I wouldn't address what happened unless he raises the issue w/you. He will most likely act as if nothing happened and trust me, they are very good at sweeping stuff under the rug.
Coly, in a way, it's good that this happened because you now were able to see that he's not finished baking in the MLC oven. So, leave him in there until he's baked fully. Okay?
Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon...you did absolutely nothing wrong. We all have been down that road and experienced what you experienced. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking the Yellow Brick Road...we are waiting for you and will help you along the way.
Hey Coly,
Its not surprising that your emotions bubbled up and you had meltdown, you are living through something that no person should have to endure. Please don't beat yourself up over this, it needed to come out of you, you may not feel it was done in the greatest of ways but its happened and now its time to take a breath and regroup your thoughts so that you can start moving forwards again.
Sending you a big hug xoxo
Hi
I would not contact him either
MLC is difficult and it is hard to keep pretending around the MLCer as to not rock the boat
We hurt and they think its all ok
We have all been there-the truth just comes out, and the MLCer is stunned because they live in a fantasy world that they have created
We are told to pretend it is ok to not upset them..In most situations it only keeps the door open..They need a long time for work through the crises
Take some time to rethink your situation to decide what your next move is
take care of yourself
make some fun plans
this may be the pain you needed to let go some more and to realize where he is
the process
I think he will contact you when he is ready and he will forget everything
maybe have a 180 planned to take care of yourself-
Hello everyone! I feel so humbled by all your kind words, I can feel the tears bubbling up whilst typing this. I feel so blessed to 'know' such kind and caring people that I wish I knew in RL.
I felt a little bit better this evening. Myself and D took some food around to one of my older a Sisters, who has four year old twins, as her husband has been away for a week. It was a lovely evening and we didn't talk about H at all which really helped to take my mind off things.
Helies, your right I often fire off a text because I convince myself it's the right thing to do and then I realise afterwards that it was foolish. Thank you for the meditation recommendation I'll certainly look into that.
Sotto, I think the reason why I am so annoyed with myself is because I know the begging, pleading and crying doesn't work so why on earth did I go there! I just feel so disappointed. I also had a really good think about what you said about H not wanting to be in a 'husbandly' relationship right now and that certainly jolted me into reality. He doesn't want me as his wife at the moment and I keep trying to remind him that that's what I am, no wonder he wants to run a mile!
Pinn, great to hear from you. Yes, I think as much as I desperately want to contact him I don't think there will be any point. I will just look weak and very desperate! I think this will be a 180 for me as I think he will expect me to text him soon as that is what I have always done.
Ciluzen, I'm sorry that you have also had similar experiences with your H. I must say that H is generally not an angry person unless pushed to the edge, however now he just flies off the handle very easily. D said that once when she was out with him he tried to buy a parking ticket but the machine wasn't working. When the guy came over to fix the machine she said H just verbally laid into this poor guy and she was shocked! We have never experienced H behave in that way for something so trivial. Yes I do need to start holding my head up high. I know I'm a good mother, daughter, sister and friend. I've got a lot going for me!
(((AP))), hugs right back at ya! Thank you for the visit.... :0)
Blu, hugs to you too! I've always been so critical of myself it's something I am trying to stop doing but it's ingrained in me so it's very hard to stop. Sometimes I can spend days worrying about whether I said or did something wrong even though I dont have any evidence to suggest there was an issue in the first place. I think that was something that my H didn't like about me, that I worried all the time.
I kept thinking that if we had him over for dinner I could keep the connection going and he might start to feel more comfortable. He is comfortable but only in so far as he gets to have family time and then go back to acting single again. Your right having these family dinners was so exhausting because like you say I had to be on my best behaviour and I couldn't be myself. He's just not the man I used to know. The softness he once had is now scratchy and cold and all this time I was trying to attract someone who at the moment really isn't capable of having any emotions.
I know you have said it to me so many times Blu, he left me and D without any reason other than he needs to be alone. Well he will get what he has asked for and he will not have family time again unless he can commit 100% back to the marriage I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give.
Job, I do feel foolish and guilty for my behaviour because I know those things don't work and just makes things worse. Unfortunately the feelings I had that evening were just so intense and so overwhelming I couldn't hold them back. I felt like I was on a steam train heading for the canyon and I had no breaks! I really do need to start listening to all of you on here and stop gong down those cheeseless tunnels. I do believe that he is in some sort of crisis because he just isn't the same person I knew a year ago. I need to stop doing and saying things that may have worked on him before but now he just isn't the same.
These last few days, even though I feel so sad, I have been trying to pick myself up, dust myself down and try and carry on as best as I can. As you say, he hasn't finished baking so whatever i do isn't going to have the desired effect so I might as well keep my distance and go dark.
LouR, meltdown is definitely the word! It's amazing how at the time it all seems so logical. If I cry and beg then surely he might have second thoughts about what he has done and come home! Nope. I just look ridiculous! You are right though, I need to accept that it has happend. I can't turn back the clock but what it did show me is that what I was doing with having him home for dinner wasn't working for me or D for that matter.
Peace, it's so hard and exhausting to be happy and cheery all the time when all I wanted to do was scream and shout at him to pull himself together and come home! When every bone in my body aches to be a normal, happily married couple again. I do wonder what he was thinking when he was coming over. Did he just see it as a meal ticket twice a week or just something to do? Surely he must have realised that I wasn't just doing it out of the goodness of my heart! Or was it just guilt that made home come over? IDK.
I won't initiate contact with him anymore. I'm not so sure he will rush to contact me though. I think he will avoid me like the plague from now on. When I went dark for seven weeks he made no attempt to contact me so I have zero expectations. I do feel really sad about it but I guess it's better than all the spinning I was doing every week before he came over and after he left. That's no life for anyone to have to live.
I do need to remind myself that I am very lucky. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and a fabulous D who just keeps me going. He is missing out on so much with her it's such a shame but his loss.
Thank you all so much for making me see that I am human and I'm allowed to make mistakes and that what we are doing by standing for our marriage is not for the feint hearted. For now I'm picking myself up off the floor and vow to stop beating myself up about stuff!
Hugs to to you (((All)))
Hi Coly,
many hugs to you. Don't be hard on yourself, like everyone has said. Try to not worry about when you will hear from him again. Give him space, and give yourself lots of self care and love.
A.
Coly,
Detaching takes time. I saw this quote on another site and thought of you and all of the posters that are having a difficult time of letting go.
"Letting go is hard to do but when you keep chasing this 'connection' you think that you have, despite how much pain it causes, it disconnects you from yourself plus it cuts you off from being available for a healthier, genuinely loving relationship."
Trust me, he will call you if you stay the course and not contact him. A 180 for you will be not to contact him. He knows you so well and is counting on you contacting him and pleading and apologizing and wanting to sweep things under the rug. Please don't do that. Stay the course and remain dim.
Coly, I hope that you and your daughter will have a nice weekend.
Hey Altair, how are you doing?
Yes your right, I need to start fo using on myself and not whether I hear from him or if what I do or say will get him back.
We have such a busy few months coming up with D doing her final exams and getting ready to go to college. I need to concentrate on her because she needs me more right now.
This morning I had a big cry. I shut my eyes tight and prayed to God. I told him that although this isn't what I wanted for my life I accept what has happened and that I vow to live the life that he has given me as best I can for myself and my D. H is on his own journey and I have to respect that.
As for GAL. We are off to see my baby sister today as it is her birthday tomorrow but as its Mother's Day she has invited everyone over for afternoon tea today. Then tomorrow myself and D are indulging in another afternoon tea for Mother's Day. By the end of the weekend I fear I'll be as big as a house!!
Love to you all!
Ps Job, thank you so much for linking my old thread :0)
Coly - sorry for the rough spell. That quote Job gave you is a really good one. I am further along in this mess and yet it still resonates with me.
Your h is not capable of having a healthy adult relationship right now. He can't even figure himself out so how can he possibly meet someone else's needs?
If I may offer some advice, I would recommend that you focus on the feelings that surface as you anticipate if he is going to call/come visit. What are those feelings about? What is the root of all that anxiety? Why do his comings and goings/calls impact you the way they do?
I might advise you to try other things to see how you can alleviate this anxiety. In all honesty, this seems like it is tumultuous for you and for your d? Perhaps instead of meeting him at your home, you suggest you meet him for a walk or for a quick coffee? And then try not to involve your d in all this? Or maybe you give yourself a break and say you can't meet this week? Then you can see how that feels?
We can't control/fix others but we need to look at why we react the way we do. This may include turning your focus into why you put yourself through all this anxiety. What are you getting out of these interactions/visits?
Keep posting as we are all here to support you.
Hi Coly,
I am doing as best as I can be, under the circumstances. One thing Job pointed out ages ago is the concept of time- I last saw H last week to give him a document he needed. It was a pleasant exchange. But to me, it feels like I haven't seen him in ages and ages and am anxious about the silence and impending papers but also wanting to make sure he is okay, etc
.
But to him, the depressed, trapped person, it probably feels like he just saw me three minutes ago and needs a month or two to decompress.
The frequent visits you had were probably a lot for him and not enough for you.
But, my H is leaving in a few months so there's much more of a line in the sand (I think) with his running and baking and being depressed or q/Mlcing whatever we call it, it is the unhappiness within him driving this train.
I am trying to find my own way, as you are doing too. Hang in there, and I agree with HaWho a walk or a coffee elsewhere --just less-- if you have the chance is probably best for the future, should you meet. It could be awhile.
hugs.
Evening All. Just got back from a lovely afternoon with my family for my baby sister's birthday. We had a really lovely day.
Job, thank you so much. That quote really resonates with me. I really didn't feel like myself when he was coming over, it felt so false and just drained me every time and he knew it.
I will go dim now and remain dim unless he contacts me although I am still doubtful he will bother. The last time I went dim/dark I wobbled and contacted him after 7 weeks. I don't think it was long enough but this time I really don't think that it will help if I did contact him. Thank you Job, your words are always so comforting.
HaWho, great to hear from you. You ask a really good question about why I feel the way I do before he visits. I think it's resentment that makes me spin. I resent the fact that he is happy to come over knowing that he has no intention of wanting any relationship with me. Knowing that he will happily walk away afterwards and go back to being single even though we are legally married. It just felt so unfair and so wrong.
I think I am going to stay away from him for a while. He really brings nothing to the party at the moment so no point in inviting him. I've done the coffee invites which he happily accepted but rarely initiated so I think it is up to him now. No more pursuing!
Altair, that's a really interesting perspective about our H's and how time seems to stand still for them. You are right that H's visits were probably too much for him so I am pulling right back now. I am going to concentrate on myself and D, he can sort himself out.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend! Xx
Coly
sorry you're here...ugh, it hurts! Accept that not reaching out to him, IS doing something
or at least not making anything worse. No texts, no calls, and I wouldn't even tell him if D is going to be home or not. Let her tell him. Just seems like pressure or an invite to me.
Anyhow, Here is an exercise for you to try, and It really helped me, so I hope you'll consider it. Ready? It's just for a few minutes...
Imagine that your h has passed away (just for a few minutes!)
So now, imagine that some amount of time had passed and you and your d had finally moved through the grief, & processed it, mourned him, and that you both had eventually, healed.
Even though you missed him now & then, imagine that you were pretty much at peace and happy.
What would you be doing? Would you have changed jobs? Gone back to school? taken a cooking class or studied something? What about travel? And hobbies?
What would you be doing, if you were happy? Please detail this as much as possible.
So, let's think about this list^^...
Which of those^^ things can you do, now?
Because ^^That is GAL for you.
Hi 25, thanks for the visit.
I think I get it now. All this contact was just hurting me and preventing me from healing. It was also affecting D as she could see me in so much pain and I need to show her that although it's not wrong to hurt it doesn't define me. I am a strong person and i want her to see that she can depend on me emotionally.
Thank you for the question also, I am going to have to think about it and get back to you. Right now D is badgering me to take her to breakfast even though it's Mother's Day here in the UK and she should be making ME breakfast!
Happy Mothers Day everyone who is celebrating today!
Happy Mother's Day to you too! Enjoy your special day w/your daughter.
Happy Mother's Day Coly!
I have discovered something this morning while watching April the giraffe and waiting for her to give birth. I've been watching the live feed for a month!
Book folding, I'm going to give it a try
Hi Coly,
Something brought me to read your thread this morning, I don't think I have posted to you before. First off, Happy Mothers Day! I hope you have a wonderful day with your D.
I can relate so much to your feelings on spending family time, I found myself nodding to myself through each of your posts. It's so hard, we want so much to be back to being a family and to spending that time with our H, then when they leave, those feelings bubble up. The confusion of wondering why they want to spend that time, they seem to enjoy it, then they leave? Then comes the resentment, then the frustration with ourselves of letting it continue....I totally get it.
In my case, I have allowed the family time for over 3 years, for my son. He was 7 when this all started and had a hard time adjusting. Over the years, spending time with the 3 of us has helped him, and I would do anything for my S, in spite of how it left me feeling. I got stronger and was able to deal with it, to detach better. My S just turned 10 and I now feel he is ready and much more stable. I am pulling away from the family time and leaving them to do their boy stuff together, so like you, it's a bit new to me. Like you said about your sitch, I don't feel like it's good for me. I too feel like it has held me back from completely healing from this and from opening myself up to what life has to offer. It took me a long time to get here, so please don't beat yourself up. There is no fault in loving your H, in wanting him and your family back, it shows you are only human.
I often question why they want these visits too. In my case, I think my H truly believes we can be buddies after all our history and in spite of all the pain and damage he has caused. I really see him living in a fantasy world.
But trust me and the others, you have gotten some wonderful advise here. As you start to focus on you, and put yourself first, you will feel that strength and confidence in you. Your D sounds like a smart girl, I admire her honesty with you.
Stay strong and vent here when you need to. Again, I hope you have a wonderful day
Thanks Job!
Westo, happy Mother's Day to you too, Did you do anything nice apart from baby giraffe watching! I didn't see it, so did April give birth today? I've never heard of book folding. I'm curious so I might check it out!
mleigh4, thanks so much for visiting. I admire that you were able to have family time and hold it together for this long! I thought the same thing as you, that I would put my feelings away just so we can continue to be a normal family but I just wasn't cut out for it. As you say the resentment and frustration was grieving and turning me in to a basket case!
I can see how attractive if must be for them. Getting to spend time with us but without the responsibility of being a husband or full time parent and then getting to go back to their batchelor pad and ticking that job done! I remember right at the beginning seeing an email from H to one of his friends saying he would like to build a friendship with me! Nope, no friendship! I explained last November when we started it up again that family time would be a way for us to rebuild our relationship but he didn't keep his side of the bargain.
I just need him to know what his life will be like without us and I need to heal so I can be strong enough for what is to come. How do you think your H will feel if you pulled right back on it?
I am going to have a little read of your sitch m4leigh. Have a lovely Sunday!
Hello everyone, I hope you are all having a good week.
So it's been a ridiculously short amount of time since the blow up with H which resulted in me going NC, just under two weeks and already I am feeling jittery!
I've been GAL'ng as much as possible but still all these thoughts run through my mind about whether I am doing the right thing or not. The whole DB ethos of actions being counterintuitive is no joke! Every bone in my body is screaming, it's not right!!
So instead of contacting H, I am going to list all the irrational 'what if' thoughts about NC going through my head today so I can get them OUT of my head!
What if he is happy that I am no longer contacting him;
What if he is happy that he doesn't have to do family time again;
What if he never contacts me again because he thinks I should be the one to contact him;
What if he decides to move away to another city because he doesn't think there is any point in hanging around here (before we got together he was thinking of moving away but he decided to stay because of me);
What if he decides to extend the lease on his flat for another year because he enjoys being on his own;
What if he decides to start seeing someone else...
I know these thoughts are irrational and if they are going to happen they will whether I go NC or not but I can't stop them from worrying me. I know I can do this NC thing because I did it for seven weeks last year but I don't know how I did it. I wish I had just continued with it and whether or not he eventually contacted me I might be in a much better place now.
I know this is the right thing to do because although I have all these thoughts I am not spinning as much so it is working for me but I miss him so much. I miss my Monday text when he would tell me what days he was available to come over. I miss Friday night movie night but I don't miss the feelings of resentment, hurt and anger before he comes over and when he leaves.
Why is it all soooo difficult!!!
25Years - I just wanted to come back to your question about what I would be doing if H passed away. That is such a difficult question to answer and I have struggled, I don't think I would have changed much really. I certainly wouldn't have changed jobs because I love my job so much. Maybe I would have moved house but I do love my house as well. I'm really not the sort of person to change something just for the sake of change so it really wouldn't be very much I'm afraid! What would you have changed?
Talking about jobs. I mentioned on another posters thread that I have been given a lovely bonus by my Manager for all my hard work last year. Considering I spent most of it falling apart I was very surprised! I think myself and D will use some of it to go away after her exams. At least that's some good news!!
Being in contact with him had not had the results you want, why not give the NC a real attempt. I understand your fears but this is as Sandi and Michelle reiterate about " doing what works and stopping what isn't".I would just add that for something to "work" we must do it consistently for enough time. If I could predict how long I would make money at it!! But no one can but it is often longer than we think.
Nice break with the work bonus. You managed that when you were" broken" ( sorry can't think of better word, but meant nicely). Imagine what you can do when you are out of crisis.
Reading your last post, I think you should contemplate doing something new, something out of character. It will do you the world of good and will give H food for thought. Don't fear change. Don't be so comfortable with the as is that you never change. So I challenge you to come up with something new soon. Repaint/redecorate house, new hobby or club, anything but has to be fairly big for you. It'll change your perspective and maybe that of others.
Best wishes
Hi Roist, thank you so much for your post.
I agree that I need to do something long enough to see results but now I worry if I didn't give the family time visits enough time. We had been doing this since November last year, so I'm not sure if four months was long enough to see any changes. BUT, I know it was driving me nuts so where does that leave me? Should I have continued to spin for a bit longer in the hopes that I would get better at handle on it? Maybe it was working slowly but I didn't see it. IDK, I still feel like I've blown it.
One of the changes I do want to make is I'm going to start decorating the house and I'm going to remove the dregs of H's stuff and put them away so I am not reminded of him all the time. I'm looking forward to doing this!
Please everyone, tell me I am doing the right thing goung NC! Should I have continued family time for longer to be able to see results? I'm so confused and annoyed with myself!
What if he is happy that I am no longer contacting him;
What if he is happy that he doesn't have to do family time again;
What if he never contacts me again because he thinks I should be the one to contact him;
What if he decides to move away to another city because he doesn't think there is any point in hanging around here (before we got together he was thinking of moving away but he decided to stay because of me);
What if he decides to extend the lease on his flat for another year because he enjoys being on his own;
What if he decides to start seeing someone else...
Check out what I bolded. It all has to do with him, and not with you.
HE will make his own decisions. You can't live your life an dmake your decision on what HE might do or feel.
Time to focus on what's good for Coly and let fo of some of the codependence.
And just reading along, this family time you speak of, well, it seems to be more about you than your daughter. From what I gather, it is more difficult for her to watch how it affects you. I don't think it's actually doing any good for her. She's 16, she can decide when she wants to spend time with him, and she can do it alone.
Redirect the focus back to you and your D (and I mean truly about what's good for you and your D) and away from him.
Hi Coly, I agree with Ginger. It isn't productive spending time wondering - will he do X if I've done Y?
Focus on being and becoming the woman you want to be independent of him.
"I just need him to know what his life will be like without us and I need to heal so I can be strong enough for what is to come."
Looking at you quote above - best to let go of the first part (I just want to control what he does!) and focus on the last part - taking control of your own life. Putting you at the heart of it!
Xx
Ginger/sotto, thanks for your comments. Yes it does look like I am focusing too much on H and his needs but that's because my needs don't matter one bit to him!
Ginger, you are right his visits probably had more to do with me wanting to see him than D. However I realise it was enabling him to have the best of both worlds but it was just hurting me.
Well it's been over two weeks and not a peep from H, even D hasn't heard from him. We are pootling along with full weekends and getting D ready for her exams. She said to me yesterday when I asked if she has heard from him recently: "you know, I really love Dad but I don't like him at the moment so I'm not bothered about seeing of hearing from him". She is right off course, come to think if it feel the same way...
I just continue to feel rejected but trying hard to rebuild my self esteem. That's no mean feat!
Hope you are all gang a good weekend!
Spinning this afternoon, I don't know why. Nothing has happened, just stupid thoughts going through my head....
I am so grateful my H is not on FB and I don't use it much but every now and then I have a peek to see what is going on but very rarely post. I see all our friends posting about the fun family days they are having with their Ws and Hs and kids and wonder if he is with them having a nice time with their families.
One of Hs friend's wife, the one who at the beginning told me to pull myself together and who whom I haven't spoken to since last September, posted about her kids today. I think I am suffering from the green eyed monster and I can't stop crying because she has the life I am meant to have.
When I met H his best friend was going through a break up with his wife and he met his now wife very quickly after the break up. They then split up and got back together after three months. He was going through a divorce at the time. My H and I then got engaged during which time our friends were trying for a baby which wasn't happening (they each already had a child from previous relationships). My H and I then got married and fell pregnant pretty quickly and this understandably really upset our friends. Unfortunately we lost our baba at 11.5 weeks and then low and behold she fell pregnant a few months later and had a beautiful baby boy. They got married a couple of years later. So now I don't have my baby and I don't have my husband but she has it all and I resent her for it and I hate myself for feeling that way.
I'm also really scared. I don't want to go through another divorce. I really don't. Sometimes I just want to scream! I keep praying to God to make me strong so I can cope with all of this but I just can't seem to get it together.
Also I know in my heart that my H just isn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to and I don't think I have anything that he needs or wants that's why he doesn't miss me. I look at myself and wish I was a nicer person, I just hate myself so much right now... :0(
Hi Coly! I hear you. I'm doing the same thing today. I could be doing a million other things, but its one of "those" days, where I seem to look for clues on FB (my X is not on social media, either) and look at postings by former friends enjoying family time and wonder if he's there, too, or what he's doing (he still does things with them). Its silly (in my case) as we're supposed to let them live their life while we try to move on with ours. But these days happen.
And it is scary to think of going forward into the unknown alone. Its not what we thought the plan was. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing me letting my guard down in the future, although others who have gone through this tell me that it will happen.
I have noticed, however, that I usually have these down days following contact with H...usually the weekend following it. That is probably why the prescription of GAL and NC go well together. We eventually get into the habit of concentrating on ourselves and meeting our own needs so that we aren't always looking to them and then missing them so much that we get into this state. I want to tell you that although I'm having the same issue today, these episodes are becoming farther apart and not quite so debilitating. It does get better.
I also wanted to tell you that the most loving thing you can do for him AND you is tell yourself that you are giving him as long as he needs to work on himself alone and to work on yourself, too. I had the same fears that XH wasn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to. Now I just want to give him the gift of listening and being available as he works on himself. I didn't really know if he was, until our last conversation...which started with him getting mad at me for not giving in on a financial issue and ended with a 2 hour talk (me mostly listening). There were lots of surprises.
We really don't know what they are thinking. We shouldn't even try to figure them out. THEY are trying to figure themselves out. The thing that helped me most was getting busy figuring out what I wanted and leaving him be. He's found reasons to call (sometimes over a month of NC) and I've had to contact him as issues with our D and taxes and adult kids have needed to be addressed. But that's almost wrapped up. He's noticed my some of my changes, though he doesn't acknowledge them willingly...he has been telling me of his insights into his own behavior, now. He wants me to know of them...so I validate. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that even though there are days like today, I have a lot to be grateful for because of the kick in the behind I got from him leaving. I didn't realize how much of me I had lost that now I'm finding. I didn't want to be D either, and no matter what people have told me and what he has done, I MISS HIM. But I also realized how much I missed me. And knowing that now has made all of the difference in how I treat myself.
So, we can have down days, cry, sleep too much, yell at the invisible ghost of our MLCer on the walls and get nothing done. But remember to wipe the tears away, get dressed up and go out and treat yourself to a kick-A life of your choosing. It is attractive...it attracts others. You won't be lonely. I'm probably going to cry and procrastinate some more today, but tomorrow I'm going on a three day trip. One that I know XH never wanted to go on. What are you going to do for you?
Oh Ciluzen I am so grateful you posted to me, thank you, thank you! But I am sorry that you are having a tough day too. It really suc£s that these days can just creep up on us from nowhere. Usually FB doesn't really affect me although I always feel very envious of others with families but today, I don't know I just got to me.
I feel so hopeless today and I keep thinking that I should be stronger by now but I'm just not. I am so afraid of the future. I don't want to have another failed marriage. I feel like such a failure. The only good thing in my life at the moment is my D and I feel I have failed her by not being able to give her a father, step father or brother/sister. I feel so much guilt that I have let her down.
I've not head from H for two weeks now ever since I said I didn't think I could do the two nights a week when he was coming over. I just feel so hurt that he can't be bothered to find out how I am even. I thought I was doing well because I wasn't spinning as much as when he was coming around but I think I am in withdrawal.
I know the best thing to do is to leave them but like you I miss my H so much it physically hurts. I am making plans without him but I can't stop the hurt.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Hugs to you (((ciluzen))).
Dear Coly,
I hear you. (hugs). As the vets tell us, things will get better. Yes, being D again is a fear, but I think you and I will make it through this fine, somehow. Keep your head held high, and it is so great you have your daughter. Sundays seem to be our worst days of the most weakness!!
As for me--same here, 2 weeks of NC.
hang in there!
Coly, you are not th one who left. You are the one that wanted to fight for your M. You are the one that supports your daughter. It seems like you are the strong one...you just need to tell yourself that.
As someone said earlier...we don't know what they are thinking or doing, but we do have control over what we do and also of what we tell ourselves.
Stay strong and fight...not for your husband, fight for yourself.
Dear Altair, so lovely to hear from you. I miss our regular updates with AP too.
I'm hoping things will get better but it seems to be taking such a long time! I feel sometimes that I am getting better but then something happens and triggers my anxiety and I spiral down even further. Will this ever end?
I am so grateful for my D but I constantly feel this guilt for her even though she says she is fine and I have nothing to worry about. What makes me mad is that H stood up in front of 80 family and friends on our wedding day and promised to be the Dad that she never had. I can accept the fact that he has broken our vows but to break the promises he made to her for me is unforgivable.
How is it going with you Altair. Has H moved as yet?
SBJ, thanks so much for your visit. I don't feel very strong at the moment but I do also realise that H is not very strong either and that is why I think it is likely he will not want to work on our marriage. I know that's mind reading but he has always been the sort of person who would rather walk away than fight.
I need to stop focusing on him but its so hard. I think my anger is starting to kick in and I'm afraid it might explode at some point!
I feel so exhausted with it all. I have just finished reading Raine's sitch and although she reconciled her H left again and that's what scares me. If me and H ever reconciled I would be so scared he would leave again. I'm not sure I could cope with that.
Thanks for responding guys, I really appreciate your support and encouragement.
Hi Coly,
I'll update you on my thread!
A.
Oh Coly, my heart hurts for you, I remember these days. I am trying to think back to what helped me, but honestly, I don't think many things helped very much. It's a grieving process.
One thing I do remember is that I would feel moments of happiness when I would pamper myself. Do things that you enjoy. I would get lost in a good book, get a massage, have lunch or dinner with a positive good energy friend, go to the beach.....think back to when it was just you and what you enjoyed doing.
Take it minutes at a time. Eventually it will go to hours then days where you aren't feeling that physical hurt. I remember an hour would go by and I would think, wow, I didn't think about H at all for a whole hour!
Also don't forget, it takes an amazing, loving, caring woman to stand for her marriage. That is you, feel that love and compassion for yourself.
Love and hugs
M
{{{{{{{Coly}}}}}}}
FB is not reality. Its the facade people want you to see.
There is so much about being a LBS that is out of our hands, but I want you to remember the one thing we do have control over is ourselves. If there is something you want to change about yourself, do it!!!
I have faith in you!!!
xoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{Cil}}}}}}}
xoxoxoxo have fun on your trip honey xoxoxoxo
Mleigh, bttrfly thanks so much if visiting.
Mleigh, I find it really difficult to concentrate at the moment. Even posting on here takes a lot out of me. I actually bought some books for my Kindle (H still has his debit card set up in there and it takes every bone in my body not to go on a book spending spree!) but I just can't bring myself to get into anything.
I wish H would see what a loving wife I am for standing for my marriage but he's away with the fairies so it makes no difference at all...
Bttrfly, I agree that FB is a facade and we dont know what goes on behind the scenes. I'm so glad that I don't post on there loads and even grader that H is not in there!
Journaling: feeling okay today a bit better. I think I'm slowly coming to the realisation that NC is definitely the way to go. I wouldn't have anything good to say to H at the moment anyway and I can't imagine being able to act 'as if' if I saw him now. I'm worried that the resentment is growing and I don't know if this is just part of the process. Should I be feeling this way? The longer time goes on the less compassion I have for him. I have as much compassion for him now as I would a total stranger.
It is all so confusing and scary and I don't know what to think. I so desperately wanted to save my marriage and part of me still does but the other part of me isn't sure if it is worth it anymore or if indeed he is worth it. What sort of man abandons his family and would rather live alone as he did 10 years ago as a single man. I remember he once told me before we got together that he felt so lonely as all his friends had families. I sometimes wonder if he just wanted to have what everyone else had and has decided now that it's not for him. I feel angry that he has played with our lives and now realises it's not for him.
NC is definitely right for me at the moment because if I saw him I just might not be able to hold anything back...
Maybe H thinks you are away with the faeries for thinking you can work on it. Two perspectives of the same situation.
I don't think that you are wrong to stand and I do think you have a chance to turn things around.
However I do think that you are wrong to EXPECT him:
# to admire your stance
# to appreciate how loving you are
# that he will act differently because he used to
Your H has changed and he is not held by previous restrictions on how to behave. I am not condoning this, just pointing it out. Just remember that everything he does is him trying to b happy. That is his sole objective. Everything else including you are secondary to him. His treatment of you should not be taken personally. Achieve that and I believe you will be much better able to handle the knocks you take along the way.
Stop thinking the worst of H. For example maybe he has gone NC because he is respecting your expressed desire to stop current interactions. Do it could be a sign of respect and not considered automatically that he is disrespecting you by remaining silent.
For the moment you need to focus on getting to a place where you can interact with him without the built up anger and resentment. Set yourself the objective to consider breaking NC only when you manage this. Work on that and once achieved decide then what your next step should be.
I know that this is not easy, but I have confidence you can get through it with shining colours.
Whilst doing the above, I agree you should attack the revamp of your house. Make big changes. Get excited about it. Put your stamp on the house. You will feel more at home afterwards and will be proud of the changes achieved. Do some of the work with friends. Limitless possibilities and opportunities. Seize them
Best wishes
Hey Roist, thanks girl the visit.
Yes, H probably does think I'm away with the fairies wanting to save this marriage and the longer this goes on the more I think I agree with him!
I guess I do still have expectations but it's hard to think that someone has changed so much towards you. I know he's definitely not the man I married and that makes it even sadder.
I don't think I share your optimism that I can turn this around. I think he just sees me with different eyes now, maybe not his type and now regrets ever getting with me in the first place. I know for sure I'm not his type visually so I don't know why he wanted to be with me in the first place. Again, I go back to him maybe wanting an instant family so he can try it out but now realises its not for him. Sorry if I am sounding negative but thats how I feel at the moment. The doubts of whether any of this was genuine or real have started to creep in.
I have a feeling he won't contact me unless it is to do with the house. His way to keep connected will be through D. I don't know if I should contact him either because he is expecting me to. I don't want to turn it into some sort of stand off but I don't really want to talk to him anyway.
Journaling: H contacted D for the first time in two weeks and asked her out for coffee. She blew him off because she has too much going on with exam revision etc. I'm not getting involved so that's for them to sort out.
Other than that just plugging along. I feel I am just letting life carry me at the moment with no zest for it. I feel every day I make myself go out and put on a happy face and be full of optimism but inside I am a bunch of knots and hurt.
Hope everyone is having a good week.
Sorry, that was meant to say 'thanks for the visit' not 'girl'! Stupid autocorrect!
I understand. It is hard. Believe me I know what you are thinking. I have the same thoughts. At the moment my W is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not like this. And the longer this goes on the harder it will be as I am setting thebar high for what I want. It has been so long since we have had easy fun together I know I will have a hard time if we do enter piecing.
But I will cross that bridge when it comes up. My W will be different if she wants to cross that bridge. Your H will be too. Don't rule anything out based on how he is now. How you are is also not how you will be down the road. Change is the only constant!! For now you only need to believe in the potential of a new future R.
Recently ye have had a lot of evenings together, even some on your own without daughter. There could be many reasons H was willing and eager to do that. But that is not my point. He does not associate you with negative feelings that make him avoid you or worse hate you. He does not love you like you want him to . Yes. But ye get on better than most separated MLC couples.
Anyway back to you. Put the focus on you and your plans etc for now. State your goals here so you are accountable. Many people like that approach but it isn't for everyone. Just keep moving forward for you.
Don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. It is not easy. We manage as best we can.
Best wishes
Coly
Its ok to feel hurt and sad and yes it will pass
This is a hard long road, but I promise you if you hang in and continue with your process-
you will land in a better place than you are or were with your M
you mention in your last post maybe your H is attracted to a certain type and not to you anymore
I remember my XH was into church and really looking for a christian girl when we met
at that point in his life I met the qualifications for what he wanted and he met mine
Together we had 2 kids, bought a great home, had 2 new cars and a thriving business with employees and he hires a 28 year old secretary .
at 40 he no longer was attracted to me or the lifestyle of being a successful, responsible church going family man..he wanted fun now
The 28 kind of sleezy secretary now attracted him and she was fun and into drugs and booze.
she represented the fun lifestyle he now craved at 40
so he was attracted to you at a time probably when his morals were higher
when he wanted to marry he choose you
now he is not the same
and I also would NEVER choose a man like my H in the present
he is addicted and living in poverty, no connection to his kids or blood family and possibly unemployed(not sure)
not my idea of a a good choice
so you see my point..
you are worth more than what meets his criteria ar present and we attract exactly where we are
((((Coly))))),
Remember the saying, "fake it til you make it". It applies to us when we have those feelings you describe. You find your strength in acknowledging that you are a hurting and confused to others you trust, but by still practicing the pleasant face (you dont have to "fake happy") and by pushing yourself to participate in things you enjoy or think you might like.
I can tell you a few things that have helped me grow a bit, even though as I've said, I still have my down days.
1) Challenge yourself. What is something that you wished was different about you? Something in you that held you back, made you miss out on things, caused you fear? Push yourself to do it...maybe even practice doing it several times. Make it a weekly challenge. For example, I was not only an introvert, but also painfully shy. I realised I had trouble making eye contact and also walking into a room or situation where I knew no one. Those became two challenges that I gave myself each week. It has become much easier and I am reaping the benefits daily as I continue to practice. Eye contact has become a no-brainer.
2) Laugh harder and smile bigger. I found that I cared too much what others thought of me. It limited and in some cases, paralysed me. As I let that go a bit, I realized the bubbly, good feelings welled up when I stopped containing and controlling my laughter or smiles. It sounded too loud to my ears at first, felt unnatural to stretch my face as much as a truly big smile can at first. But wow! I have had people suddenly remark how my smile lights up a room, my laughter is infectious, and others are drawn to me. It can really send those endorphins coursing through you as much as a good workout! Don't hold back the good feelings when they come and they will pop up more quickly and easily, even if it feels like you have to force them a bit at first.
And Coly, I can hear the love and caring for your H that you still very much have. It also is apparent that although confused right now, your H still cares for you. Mine still cares, too, although the rest is a mystery. Maybe if we take some of the love and caring that we can't show them (as we tried to by everyday actions before) and we parcel it out to others, it will help our outlook, as well. If you showed your love by cooking for him, invite others over to dinner or bring over baked goods to friends or workmates. If you are missing the physical touch, touch people on the arm or hand more, or if it is appropriate, hug more. Be more demonstrative. All of a sudden, its being reciprocated and boy...did I need that.
Hope something here helps a bit. Its a rough road and long, but why not use the walk to pick up a few treasures along the way? Call me Pollyanna...
Coly,
I wanted to pop in your thread. oh (((COLY))). I am so sorry for this pain and this loss. Having your H over for dinner sounds exhausting and heartbreaking. It sounds like your D loves you very much and wants you to be happy and you've done well by her. Your H is doing his thing and it has nothing to do with you; I know it's so hard not to take it personally. You are right -- what kind of person does that in front of 80 people? I'm sure he meant it when he said it, but it seems like he is not the person you married right now.
What do you do that helps you when you're spinning? For me, the exercise really helps and the music. I've been reading a lot about the science of happiness and really working to help my brain produce all the happy chemicals. Daily gratitudes, focusing on fond memories, nurturing my good relationships, finding 'flow' when I'm very focused on what I'm doing, bringing my mind back to the present, and trying very hard to practice radical acceptance of what is. It has helped a lot.
I have been thinking a lot about the strength of the LBS. It's amazing how hard we dig and I think there's much to be said for that.
Roist, Peace, Cil - thank you all so much for posting.
I think I have to much headspace at the moment so my thoughts are running away with me at 100 miles an hour!
Roist- I'm so confused about what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. Should I have continued with the family nights and put my feelings on the back burner? Now that I've stopped them will the negative thoughts about me start to surface? I feel like I've shot myself in the foot by going NC!!
Peace - your right off course. Just because I may not be H's type anymore doesn't mean he is my type either. He has certainly lost the soft edges that attracted me to him in the first place. I can't imagine how your exH must feel after throwing away a comfortable lifestyle and loving family for his current one. That's just so sad.
Cil - I don't know if H still cares about me. I struggle to understand how you can treat someone you care for so badly. My mind keeps revisiting some of the things he said to me and also different situations like at Christmas when he didn't think anything of leaving us Christmas morning to spend it with his family or NY Eve when he spent it with friends and their family. What makes a person just disown their family so willingly without a thought for how it is hurting them.
Sometimes I wish I had done something terrible to deserve this because I certainly don't think the punishment fits the crime!
I am thinking of things to do to push myself out of my comfort zone but I can't really think of anything at the moment! I've always wanted to learn to sew so maybe I'll join a sewing class!
Journaling:
Not much going on at the moment. D is playing up a bit because I think the stress of exam revision is getting to her. It's at times like this that I wish either H or her Dad were around to support me. Tonight she stormed out of the house because I didn't want to commit to saying yes or no to her request to go to a party in the Easter holidays. She herself said she did not want to do anything as she had to do as much revision as possible so now she is backtracking. She pushed me for an answer so said I would rather she didn't go and that was enough to make her storm out because I didn't give her the answer she wanted. It is now 12.30 at night and she is still not back. I have kept in radio contact with her but I am not impressed!
On the house decorating front. I have enlisted the help of my Dad to get a few bits and pieces done during the Easter holidays. I'm looking forward to freshening the place up. Also I am thinking of packing up all H's clothes that are still in his wardrobe. There is a small tin shed at the bottom of the garden which I don't venture into as it is full of spiders and other creepy crawlies. I hate spiders and so does H but I am thinking of getting the courage up to dump all his stuff in there, including a very expensive pair of trainers which he had the opportunity to take a few weeks ago but chose to leave here. I just want to see the look on his face when he asks for his stuff and has to venture into the spider shed!! :0)
Happy weekend everyone!!
Hey Surv1ve, I think you and I were posting at the same time!
Thanks so much for the visit. I agree, this isn't my H at the moment. The H I knew would be horrified if he heard someone else make those promises to D and then go back on them. He actually said to me a few weeks ago that people are always breaking promises so it's no big deal!
I do still find myself spinning without any warning sometimes. A thought will just pop into my head and then I'm off! Saying that though it has been getting better. I've been exercising a lot more but this week has been especially difficult due to work so I've only been to the gym once! Also I've seen a new yoga place open up down the road from me so I'm going to try that out and see if it helps. I did go to one yoga class at my gym a few months ago but it wasn't for me. It was taken by a very elderly lady who covered me with a blanket at one point in the class so I didn't get too cold.... :0D
Happy Easter everyone!
Just a bit of journaling. I think it's been four weeks since I last saw H. I say I think because I haven't been as bothered at keeping count unlike the last time I had NC.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was getting ready for my little sister and her H as they were coming to stay after going out for my older sisters birthday. I felt sad and angry because I wanted my H with me to help with getting ready and excited for their visit. I cried buckets whilst cleaning! In the end it turned out to be a really great day/evening. We woke up this morning, a little hungover and after a lovely breakfast we took their dog out for a walk. We then went to my parent's for Easter lunch and then back over to my older Sister's house as it is actually her birthday today. Had far too much to eat!
Then both myself and D got texts from H to say he left some Easter eggs for us in the recycling bin as we were not home. He also put some money in a card for D. WHY??!!! Why does he do these things? We are trying to let him go. He told us we will get used to him not being with us anymore so why can't he just give us the chance to get used to it. D is so mad she feels like he is trying to buy her affection and I feel so angry at him. It's almost like he wants everyone to think what a great guy he is that he still buys us stuff. We didn't ask for anything and I don't want anything from him anymore. I just want him to leave us alone to heal. Would it be wrong if I told him that?
I don't know why I feel so angry about this. Should I be grateful and thank him graciously? Neither myself or D have responded to his text because we just didn't want or expect him to give us anything. Arrgghh!!!
Happy Easter Coly!
I would have D thank him, briefly, and leave it at that. Take the high road...
I doubt he's trying to buy D's affection- he just doesn't know what to do. Sounds confused, etc. Well, at least he tried-- I wouldn't be angry, you know, the anger is never a good feeling. Leave him be in the oven, baking!!
As for me, I'm just slogging through, nothing to update really I don't think. Just ruminating on my future, what I want to do, where I want to live, etc. Today I spent the day alone, went for a run and a walk and ate an Easter peanut butter egg, and read all day.
hang in there Coly,
A.
Coly,
The hardest thing for me is the kids. I've mentioned to you before that I think mine uses the kids to get to me. I wondered if yours might be doing the same. Because of those thoughts and because I feel better when I don't see or hear from him, and I listen to the kids say that, but I don't believe them . . . It is so hard to remember that their relationship with the WH is completely different from ours. I agree with Altair that D should thank him and if you feel better being silent, go with that. I think the older kids need more constant reminders that they left us, not the children and that it is still their dad. They may not always feel the same as they do now. Maybe they will be better, or maybe worse. But the worst would be for our children to feel disconnected with us someday because they felt they had to make a choice.
Yes, a brief pleasant thanks is the way to go with the eggs I think..
You could go for - Happy Easter too & thanks for the gifts :-)
Or if that feels like too much - just - Thank you
It isn't that his gift is offensive or antagonistic - it is your own feelings about it that are the issue and are yours to own. If a neighbour left you a little Easter gift, what would you do?
Glad you had a nice time with your family.
Xx
Thanks for your comments Altair and OwnIt.
I don't know what to do really. D actually said she doesn't want to contact him so should I force her? Maybe I will just say she needs to be polite.
OwnIt, H is actually D's step Dad but he has brought her up since she was about Nine. D's bio Dad hasn't seen her since she was six/seven but he sends her Money in a card for special occasions just like H is doing now that is why I am annoyed. She doesn't need another Dad like that. I'm not sure if he is trying to 'get' to me through D. That would imply he had some emotion towards me and I don't think he has any feelings for me at all good or bad. He just seems numb.
Altair, I have really tried my best to keep my emotions on an even keel and not have any contact with him has really helped. I still have my horrible days but that's just because my mind runs away with me! I'm glad you have started to make your own plans staying still is what keeps us stuck. Are you planning on moving away from the area you are in at the moment?
Journaling - It's a holiday here un the UK so me and D are off to the city to do a bit of shopping. She is shamelessly going to spend the money H gave her! I sometimes wonder if she is actually my daughter!!
Thanks Sotto, I just had that same train of thought. Maybe I should just say thanks like he is a neighbour and leave it at that.
My problem is forcing D to do the same. I am not keen on doing this as I forced her to have a relationship with her own Dad and that backfired terribly.
I'll just say 'thanks' and leave it like that. A month ago I would have been so grateful and said lots of nice things but I don't feel like that anymore....
Happy Easter Sunday!
Coly,
I'm a bit late to the show, but I would just say "thanks" and leave it at that.
I do not think he's trying to buy your daughter and her attention. He senses that you both are pulling away and he needs to let you know that he's still out there (in his own way). He needs to think he still has one small string attached to his old life and by doing so, he pops out every once in a while and does something.
He's still confused as to what he wants and until he figures it out, he'll continue to be bouncing back and forth.
Continue moving forward. You've been doing great!
Like Job, I'm a little late on this.So all I would say is this.
Take all of your feelings about H and push them aside for a minute. Did he give something? Yes. The normal response to a gift is, "thank you". Period. Questioning motives leads to overthinking and assumptions. And sometimes...expectations. None of it matters, really. He gave. You and D received. Thank you.
Kindness, kindness, kindness. Before any act, we should remember that and that should be OUR motivator regardless of what we can only assume are the motivations of others. We can only control our own actions and make our own choices, so why not choose the high road no matter what? At least we will then feel good about our actions and not look back later with an "I shoulda" or "what was I thinking". Just be kind. You either receive a good reaction (great!), bad reaction (not your problem...his), or nothing (oh, well).
Dear Job and Cil, thanks so much for stopping by.
You are both right off course, I need to treat H with kindness as I would a friend who had given us a gift. I did text him to say 'thanks' and I suggested to D that she did the same which she did. I told her that we need to rise above it and not become bitter.
Job - I really don't feel like I am doing very well. I am still so hurt and angry with H and at the same time I miss him terribly. I really need to get a handle on my emotions. I just don't know where all of this is headed. I can't believe he is happier without us but I'm not him so I will never know why he feels this way.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and simetimes I feel stronger than steel but most of the time I feel in a state of utter confusion.
Coly
It is a process and grieving takes time
Even though we are to get a life and practice certain behaviors especially around H
and create a new life
we are still encouraged to feel our hurt and process it with safe people
Grief takes like 18 months so the feelings of sadness, hurt may come and go and in time they will come less and less
Thanks Peace. I hate that I have to feel this way. I hate that I have to grieve when no one has died. I know I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness and I am trying but it's so hard when I miss my H so much. When I think of how dismissive he is of me now yet I have to respect his feelings.
Warning pity party just about to start...
I just don't want to be divorced again and that's why I am so desperately trying to cling on. I haven't contacted him but each day it gets harder not to. I am afraid that his one year lease is coming up and he might start approaching me about selling the house or I don't know what. Or he might tell me he is moving in with someone he has kept under wraps for a year. I know this is all in my head but I can't stop making this stuff up. I'm trying so hard to keep busy but it just doesn't help. I'm trying to prepare for the worst.
I go to family get togethers and I am the only one without a partner and I feel like such a leper, a failure. Why did this have to happen to me, why! None of my sister's marriages are perfect but they love each other enough to stay together. Why did I have to marry someone who tells me he doesn't love me enough to make the effort. Am I really that unlovable? Maybe I am. Maybe I need to accept that I should be in my own and not put anyone else through this hell again.
I keep looking at couples and wonder what they have. I see how they look at each other and I can't see what it is. I feel nothing, I feel numb, I feel defective.
Sorry, pity party over! There is nothing I can do about the sitch, nothing I can do to influence it so I just have to keep going and live my life as well as I can for myself and D. It's not the life I want or planned but that life is out of my control I know that but I hate it.
Best wishes my friend.
It is hard but for now I am not sure you contactinghim will help you.
(((Coly)))
I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same way!
I feel defective and unworthy because my H has told me the same thing - he doesn't love me enough to make the effort to repair the relationship.
How does it deteriorate to this point? How can they give up everything so easily? I have searched for the answers and unfortunately, I don't have them.
The answers lie within them. I'm not sure they even really know.
I wish I could tell you something to make the pain and hurt go away. I wish I had a magical cure. I really do.
What I can do is let you know I am here. I will listen. Vent. Share your feelings.
Above all, know you are loved. You ARE worthy.
(((Cwtch))) for Coly,
I know what you are going through, I feel the same. S doesn't mention him, D is angry at him to what he's done to me and the GD he adored and who adored him and hasn't seen for over a year.
The family is ripped apart and it's agonising and surreal.
I don't know what to say other than offer my support and thank God for this place, I don't know how I would have coped without it.
Coly
It is all normal feelings and it is part of the process
The thing is it is not you--you are lovable and worthy
It is a crises and the crises is not because of us--please understand that its not you
The crises is created from unresolved childhood issues
You didn't create it and you can't fix it
positive self talk helps and we want to create positive internal tapes now while it is fresh because what we think about grows
so just a thought:
tell yourself that it is ok to miss and love and grieve and feel hurt
but you are worthy and it was never your fault
it will all be ok no matter what
you have your health and your D
practice the new thoughts till they become real for you
know for sure you will get to the other side of this and most likely better off in some ways
hang in
Coly, I can't say it any better than Peace just did. ^^^^ Is really good advice. Thanks for posting this Peacetoday. It's so helpful to read it.
Coly, be kind to yourself. Keep the lens on you and your d.
Thank you all so much for you kind posts. Just feeling so down at the moment. I guess because it is coming up to the one year mark and I don't feel anything has progressed one way or the other.
Roist, you are right that contacting H won't help. I think it just reinforces how much he DOESN'T want to be with me!
FightOn, I've asked myself a million times how it got to the stage where he doesn't think I'm worth it. To go from someone who literally worshiped the ground I walked on to nothing is now making me second guess the whole M/R. Was any of it real? Did I just see what I wanted to see? I'm starting to believe him now that maybe he didn't ever love me and instead it was his way of getting away from his lonely life. I feel like such an idiot.
Westo, thanks for the cwtch, it is very much needed at the moment. I think you hit the nail on the head; it is very surreal. I keep thinking that I will wake one morning and he will be back beside me.
Peace, your words are wise, thank you. I know I will get to the other side one day but it's the thought of going through this painful journey first. I try to remind myself everyday of what I have got and I am truly grateful. I just need to get to the stage where I believe the fact that I don't need H to be happy and have a fulfilling life.
Hawho, thanks for the visit. Everyday seems like such a struggle but I know I just need to get through it one day at a time. I know that things can change on a dime but I need to stop holding out for change in H and look for the change in me. I realise it's keeping me stuck.
Journaling - I started a little project I've been meaning to do for some time, painting the porch door and tidying up the porch area. I sucked it up and put my fear of spiders and all things that crawl aside and got stuck in to getting rid of some cobwebs. I have put the undercoat on the door and today I will paint on the top coat. I bought myself a little heart door hanging to spur me on and I think it's going to look lovely. Trying to put my stamp on the house.
Hope everyone is okay...
Hi All! Just seen updates this week from my two good friends on this board Andrew P and Altair so thought I should post an update too. Hugs to you both.
I've been doing okay. Had a rough time at Easter but since I've back to work I feel a bit better. I think I need the routine of work because when I am in holiday that is when it all goes down hill for me. Especially when it is a holiday at home just pottering.
I had a great night out last Thursday at our work's award ceremony. We actually stayed up in the hotel bar until 4.00am! The only other time I was awake at that ungodly hour was when I was in labour for D! Well anyway the next couple of days was rubbish. I really missed coming home and talking to H about the night and also there were a few men hitting on me as soon as they found out we were seperated which I really didn't lik. I know at some stage in the future I may have to look at getting back into the dating game again but I don't like that idea. I know I don't have to think about it now but it's always in the back of my mind. Blegh.
On the H front. It's been six weeks since I last saw him and Easter Sunday was the last time he texted myself and D. We are just leaving him alone but I still think about him every minute of the day and still miss him terribly. It will be a year next month since he left and it feels like only yesterday. I wonder if he will ever reach out to me because it feels like he has moved on. I think it was Roist who said that when we go NC/dark we shouldn't expect them to panic and make contact with us straight away because there will be a period of time where the WS will mirror you and go dark to. I guess this is what caused me to panic the last time and reach out to him after seven weeks. I need to let him have his thoughts and feelings and hopefully miss me and D.
Anyway in other news. I managed to book a holiday for myself and D in July. We are taking her friend with us so at least she can have some companionship her own age. Something to look forward to.
I've also starred redecorating my hallway although my poor Dad had a job disconnecting the radiator off the wall as the valve was broken and wasn't shutting off the water! also my dishwasher stopped working when he was here which was a blessing because he was able to fix it for me. I've always been a practical person but now I'm on my own I'm taking more notice of what my Dad does so I can do more for myself.
Anyway thanks for visiting. I still read along everyday and try to post on all your threads although sometimes I just don't have any wise words but that doesn't mean you are not in my thoughts.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Another thing I meant to say is that Altair's update has rocked me a bit. Even though her H told her he was going to file, now that it has happened I feel frightened that this is will happen to me soon.
It seems it doesn't matter how much space we give, how much GAL'ng we do, it does not mean they will want to come back. Both Altair and AP, especially AP are much better at DB'ng than me so I feel I have no hope at all of busting this D. I just want I cry. I just want to reach out to him to say I am still here. I don know what or why I am doing this anymore.... :0(
Coly,
Your feelings are very normal. We read the posts of others and it's normal to compare the various situations to your own...however, each situation is different and what happens in one poster's case may not happen in another. No one knows how each situation will play out and the outcome is unknown to us until something happens. So, take a deep breath and continue to have faith in you, your h, the man upstairs and the process.
Your dad sounds like is a very good at remodeling and fixing things. Ask him questions and ask him to show you how to fix things. This will help you if you ever have that particular problem again.
I'm glad you and your daughter are going on holiday soon. You both need a break from the mlc madness.
I know Job, but it is so hard it not to compare with other sitches when I have such little information to go on.
Anyway after all that I was thinking of what my DB coach said about doing a 180 and asking H if he needs any of his stuff that he left behind as he knows it will usept me. So I just dropped him a light text saying that I hope he doesn't think
I am holding his stuff hostage and anytime he needs anything to let me know. He just responded to say he didn't think there was a hostage situation and wanted to know if I wanted to grab a coffee next weekend. What do you think, should I go?
Hi Coly,
I know you know not to compare situations, but yes, there's a time-element in there that could bother you. But, my H is very lost and much younger. He really believes or is trying to convince himself that "a clean slate" is the best way to move forward. He said pretty much in the same sentence as filing that maybe we could get back together someday. Try that on for size!
I'm going to take Job's advice and just go one day at a time. So yeah, have a coffee with him.
Going for a coffee won't do any harm
Hey Altair and Westo, thanks for the visit!
Altair - your H (as with all our H's!) does sound very confused. I know I shouldn't compare your sitch with mine but although your H has filed for D he seemed to be more affectionate with you and also wanted to talk. My H NEVER wants to talk about anything and apart from a hug and kiss hello and goodbye I've had no, ahem, relations, for nearly 18 months!
Yes, I do need to keep reminding myself to take one day at a time and that's something I really have to take to heart because I am the biggest planner ever when it comes to my personal life!
Westo, I have said yes to coffee but that I only have next Sunday free (which is true). I didn't want him to think I was too eager so I left it till this evening to text him back and again it was mainly because I was at my Sister's for most of the day
I must say I was taken a back with his invite. One of my signposts was that H will ask me out for coffee without me prompting a meet up. However I am now starting to worry about his reasons! I know, no expectations. Just go and have coffee and I won't be arranging to see him again. I'm going to leave it to him for a while. I've one enough chasing to have run three marathons!!
The purpose of my text about his stuff was to let him see that I am not worried or afraid of him getting his things anymore. At the end of the day it is just stuff, I realise that now. I think it's good for me in the process of detaching from him to let him know that it doesn't bother me anymore.
Hi Coly,
Well, to clarify this was the first R talk we've had in many many moons. And I didn't let it go too deep, I let him talk. And, it's true "having relations" from time to time has certainly added to the confusion in the mix. I was REALLY glad he didn't pull the "you'll find somebody new" card and just talked about us. There were breakpoints identified along the way that he withdrew, and I let him. So, it was a fair conclusion to view the deterioration as a dynamic. He said there were many things he wanted to change about himself. My friends are all, if he still loves you why is he doing this? I can't explain MLC fog to them, they don't understand he needs to go through this crisis and maybe come out the other side a better person. That I'm not on that train. From the perspective of the vets here, this can't be fixed until he's fixed. Jumping back in or taking him back or trying to save this thing before he's oven-baked as we know would just result in it happening again, and likely to be worse. It's hard to explain to a friend that going to MC right now won't help (as much as I'd love for that to be a solution, it isn't). Ah, Sunday, that hard day-- the most alone day for me. Well, I will go for my run (you too, keep up the exercise) as I know it will make me feel better.
hugs, Coly.
A.
Coly.....I have read through your sitch and things with you and your H sound so much like my sitch. I'm sure many of us have many similarities.
I totally understand all of your sadness, hurt and frustrations. I went for an extended period of not speaking to my H and it was the hardest thing for me. I didn't understand how he could not reach out. After not speaking for over 8 weeks I reached out to him, just for purposes of speaking about our dog who was ill at the time (we do not have children). He was nice, we had small talk, and that was about it. I was confused after speaking to him because he was so nice. Something I didn't expect because he had been such an A$$ to me for so long.
Something that was difficult for me after speaking to him was I thought, surely now that he has FINALLY spoken to me he would want to reach out more......I was so wrong. That was very hard for me to grasp. We would have small chit chat every couple of weeks...usually via text and only about our dogs, and I was the one who would initiate it. I still was pretty upset that he didn't want to reach out more.
I am not sure when it happened, but I finally decided that I was ready to move on with or without him. I told him, and I think he was very surprised. I also think that my anti depressants had finally started to kick in, and I was feeling a bit more like my old self
. Little did I know that was when he was starting to work on himself.
I know it is difficult to not have expectations of your H, but trust me it is the best thing to do if you are able to. I found when I did, he would disappoint me, and that would set me back. I needed to continue to move forward, and as difficult as it was for me, I didn't reach out to him as much as I wanted to. I found myself not caring if he called or not. I still thought about him every single day.....a million times a day as a matter of fact, but I didn't let that control my thoughts.....again, something that was very hard to do.
Now that he has started to reach out to me I find myself not wanting to answer his phone calls or texts. I still think about him during the day, just not as much. I also am fine if I don't speak to him.....again something I never thought I would feel.
I know everyone says this but you have to focus on you. I finally started to do that and then my thoughts about H started to change. I started to think maybe I don't need him in my life. I will be fine with or without him. If he wants to be in my life then he can do the work he needs to do and I will continue to work on me.
If you do end up having coffee with him please don't have any expectations, or an agenda of what you want to talk about. I found that when I brought up R stuff, or things he didn't want to hear or talk about, he would shut down.
One day at a time Coly. Please be good to yourself.
It seems it doesn't matter how much space we give, how much GAL'ng we do, it does not mean they will want to come back. Both Altair and AP, especially AP are much better at DB'ng than me so I feel I have no hope at all of busting this D. I just want I cry. I just want to reach out to him to say I am still here. I don know what or why I am doing this anymore.... :0(
Coly23 my dear - no I'm not "better" at it than you are. You still have hope and I don't. I admire your heart and kindness but most of all your courage. Courage isn't charging ahead into the fray. Courage is going forward even when it terrifies you because you feel it is the right thing to do.
We all will be fine when we come out of the other side of this. I may be "on the far shore" but I haven't taken too many steps away from the river as of yet towards my future. The future is a frightening foreign land. They do things differently there and it requires Courage to face it. You are courageous. ((Coly23))
Coly,
Whew for a sign post. I am cheering you on, and I am know this last 8 weeks has probably been really hard on you. Echoing others, go without expectations. Whenever I am going to hang out with my H, I sort of keep tabs of interesting topics to discuss or things I've been up to that highlight my GAL to make sure thee's enough fodder to avoid the big old R talks. I don't always succeed, but I try to cope ahead. I hope it goes well for you. The other thing you might consider doing is trying to book a friend to debrief with afterwards so that you know that you have supports in case it really stirs you up. Good luck, you got this.
Thank you all so much for your comments.
Altair, I can see how having 'relations' can confuse things but if goes to show that your H still finds you attractive otherwise he would not have wanted to. You are right off course, like my H he needs to continue baking. It's just sometimes I want to turn the temperature up so he bakes a little quicker! Glad you are still running Altair. I'm still trying to exercise at least four times a week and I'm going to make sure I keep it up so I can look hot on holiday!
SKM, thanks so much for stopping by. I know, these pesky expectations! I think firstly I am suspicious as to why he has asked to meet me for coffee and secondly how it will affect my expectations and if it will put me back a few steps. Like you say it's strange how when you feel you are starting to accept the sitch, they sense it and pull you back in. Job is sooo right!
AP, you are just to generous in your comments. I wish I felt courageous but I don't and I don't feel like I am deserving of that description. For me courage would be letting go and having pride in myself and my abilities. I look back over the last year at all the begging and pleading I did and I feel embarrassed with my behaviour. Although I know it was hard, I think you were very brave in how you did not break NC with your W and left her to her own path. I wish I had the courage to do that from the start and saved myself even more heartache.
Hey Surv1ve, thanks for stopping by and for cheering me on! I say that H asking me out for coffee is one of my signposts but it could mean nothing in the scheme of things. I like the idea of booking time with a friend afterwards to debrief. I will definitely consider doing that!
So the whole going without expectations is worrying me. As much as I don't want to, things just keep popping into my head! So I am well prepared I have been thinking of a few scenarios that might be the reason for him asking to meet me on Sunday and how I should/shouldn't react/respond. Your feedback and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated...!
1. H: I've asked to see you so we can sort out when I can come by and collect my stuff.
Coly: Okay, sure H. You can come over on such and such day/time
2. H: I just wanted to ask if we can be friends and if I can see you from time to time?
Coly: suggestions please!
3. H: I've started seeing someone and I wanted you to hear it from me.
Coly: Suggestions please!
I am hoping that he isn't going to ask to see me for coffee to tell he he is seeing someone. I think that will be very cruel to do it in a public place. If he does I think I will just have to walk away.
It could well be that it is just coffee he doesn't mention any of the above so in that case I will listen more than talk, I will validate, validate, validate and I won't try and arrange to meet him again. I will walk away and go back to not initiating contact. I just want to make sure I am prepared and I don't mess up too much!
Hi Coly, firstly I would approach meeting up on Sunday as a catch up with a former colleague or not very close friend. Stay for an hour and then have somewhere to be. Have some light chat and then excuse yourself and go about your day.
My suggested responses would be as follows:
2. Thanks H. I'm not sure how that would work for me - but I'll give that some thought..
3. Okay H - thanks I appreciate hearing that direct from you. I have plans now, so I'll say goodbye & take care.
Hope this helps Coly...and JMHO of course :-)
Hey Sotto, thanks so much for your comments. I need to keep saying it to myself over and over again that he is just a colleague that I haven't seen for a while.
I like your suggested responses especially the response to him telling me he is seeing someone else. I think it will be better than just walking away.
This has really helped, thanks so much! X
Coly,
my advice which has worked very well for me:
First of all he will probably say nothing of the above at all, but let's say he does and it's a bomb drop in your lap of any variety.
Just say, wow, ok.. let me think about that.
Best response is no response.
Ages ago, I'd respond to H with long emails about how I felt-- bad move! Lesser ages ago I'd feel he deserved a response right then and there to whatever it was he said. I don't do that anymore at all!
hugs.
Oh I do hope you are right Altair in that he won't bring up anything controversial. When we used to meet for coffee last year we didn't ever have any R conversations so I am hoping that will still be the case.
You are also right in that the less said the better. Unfortunately I am one of those people who feels very uncomfortable with long silences so I am going to have to do a lot of lip chewing to stop myself from trying to fill them!
You know I was just thinking about how we left it the last time I saw H when I cried bitterly and begged him to come home. I think H is being very brave asking me out for coffee in the knowledge I might get clingy again. Soo I therefore need to make sure I do a 180 and remain calm and serene. I can do this!!!
hahaha nice spelling mistake!
You can do this!
I know what you mean about the long silences. H and I go rock climbing once a week and sometimes I run out of small talk for the car. I suggested that we find a book we both like so that I can read out loud to him. We used to drive a lot together, and he really liked it when I read to him and it's a space filler while also feeling like "together" activity. Probably would be weird at coffee though =).
Coly,
I always try to plan everything out and think everything out. Have a response for everything. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work. In the moment, whatever it is will still be hard to process, whether good or bad. I will be thinking about you Sunday and hoping it is all good for you.
Thanks Surv1ve and OwnIt.
Well my overactive mind is, well, overacting! I just want get Sunday over and done with! I don't know why I feel so nervous and scared. I think it's because he has suggested it and that makes me suspicious. I keep wondering why he would want to see me if he keeps saying he doesn't want to give me any hope?
I know during this seven weeks I have changed alot. Before I would be thinking of things to say to H to make him realise what an idiot he has been but this time as he has asked me for coffee, I'm going to leave all the talking to him.
Happy weekend everyone! X
Coly,
Breathe! I realize your radar is in full swing wondering the whys, the what ifs, etc....but you need to tamp those questions down for now. I would look at this as an opportunity to see where he's at and also for you to show him that you are doing great. This is your opportunity to win the drama award for best actress. Do not show him that you are a nervous wreck...show this man an independent, self assured woman.
Stay positive! He does miss you and your daughter and this may be his way to see if you are right where he left you...lady, not in this life time...show him you are moving forward and not sitting there waiting for a call or text from him.
You can do this!
Thank you for talking me off the ledge Job!
You are right. It's a good opportunity to show him my changes and also the fact that me and D are getting on with our lives with or without him.
When I got home from work I did my exercise DVD and did lots of kicking and punching (all part of the exercise off course!) and managed to get a lot of that frustration out of my system. I also bought a couple of cute tops in my lunch hour and I've decided to wear one on Sunday when I meet up with H because it made me feel super s3xy!!
I'm going to go with an open mind and I'm going to believe that maybe he might also be worried and scared and confused and that he doesn't have the upper hand!
A very small part of me is hoping he is missing me/us, Job, and that is why he has asked to meet up. I can only hope ....
Coly,
He does miss you and your daughter, even if he won't admit it.
There is nothing wrong in having hope. Sometimes hope is what keeps us going.
Dress nicely, do your make up and you might want to consider changing your hair style just a wee bit. Spritz some nice perfume on and knock his socks off on Sunday. Stay positive. I know you can do this!
Coly.....I can hear your anxiety in all of this, and I am so sorry things are tough right now.
I remember the first time I saw my H after not seeing him for 4 months....I was freaking out and so scared he was going to say things I didn't want to hear. I remember coming here and telling everyone I was scared to meet with him. Several on here gave me some very excellent advice. I remember Bluwave wrote this to me and it was very helpful, so I will pass it along to you.
She said:
You can do this!!! Prepare for the worst, and do not let that (or him) change your course. If you can do this, you will feel so much better about yourself. He doesn't determine how you respond, got it??? Even if he shows up with D papers and says/does the most unimaginable things--I'm never coming back, I want D, and I never loved you, spew, spew, etc--you are going to do the same exact thing. Got it?
Here it is: Poker face. Listen, listen, and listen. Say nothing! Read up on the validation cheat sheets and use them all. Those are your best friends right now. Let him do all the talking. Got it??? Even if he lies, spews, attacks, and makes things up. Just listen. Offer nothing as to where you stand, feel, and what you want--he already knows anyway. It's ok if he thinks you are losing interest--that's ok right now. He needs to see you are not angry and that you are safe to approach.
If he tries to ask you questions, or engage you, just listen and tell him you have a lot to think about. Or thank you for asking. I have a lot on my mind right now. Or turn that chit right around on him---can you elaborate on that? I'm thinking and wondering why you're asking. Can I get back to you on that? I need some time to think. Got it???
Coly, I remember taking a picture of this post on my phone and I read it right before I meet with H. I thought about what Blu said and I managed to apply what was suggested and believe it or not, my H opened up like a book to me. As painful as it was to sit there and listen and validate him, that is exactly what I did. We ended up speaking for a very long time ...... I wouldn't suggest you do that because I was mentally exhausted after that night.
Please don't try to mind read....I know it is hard, trust me I do. I still do it to this day, and it never serves me.
Be good to yourself, and just be the sweet, kind person that we all know you are, and if he cant see that then it really is his loss.
Of course I made sure that I looked really good, and had on some perfume he had previously given me as a gift
Thank you Job. For some reason I always feel guilty for having hope because H told me on several occasions that he doesn't want to give it to me. I can see now that the way he acts around me is to try to steer me away from finding any nugget of change or ray of light that might give me hope so mostly I try to convince myself that I shouldn't look for it.
SKM, thanks so much for your visit and for posting Blu's words. I am going to look at that and also Job's posts before I meet with him to give me some pma and confidence to be myself. My H is not and has never been good at opening up so I don't imagine that will happen at least not tomorrow. From experience he will probably just fire a bunch of questions at me so he can find out what myself and D have been up to but give very little away about himself. Par for the course.
Happy weekend everyone!
Coly,
If he fires off a bunch of questions, be selective in answering them. You don't have to tell him everything, i.e., by a bit mysterious. Share just a wee bit and leave the rest for him to puzzle over when he's not around the you.
Smile, nod when he's speaking and really listen to what he says. If he opens up, he may very well tell on himself, as to what he's doing/thinking. You have to sift through his words to find the meaning. Also, watch his body language.
You can do this. Think of him as your next door neighbor and you'll be just fine.
Thanks Job.
Well I met H for coffee today. It was okay. We chatted generally about home and work stuff. I did what Job suggested and sifted through what he was saying.
Basically he has hidden himself away for a year and only goes to work and sees a select few friends. He didn't say as much but it was obvious as I knew more about what his friends are up to than he does and that is saying something. Although he smiled a lot he did not seem happy and I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better he really did not look content with his lot.
I cut the meeting after an hour because I really had to be somewhere. He had gone to the men's room and came back to sit down and I shot up from my chair and asked if he was ready to go. We had finished our coffee by then so no point in hanging around. He looked a little suprised!
Yesterday was our godson's birthday. The son of H's BF whose wife wasn't very nice to me at another friend's funeral and who I haven't seen since September last year. I texted her a few weeks ago to ask what godson would like for his birthday and she invited me and D to his birthday party today which is why I had to leave H when I did. I was shocked however to find out from H that he hadn't seen our godson as yet for his birthday and had only seen his BF at hockey which finished at the beginning of April. We used to see them at least once a week and spent many holidays with them. So my thoughts of them spending a lot of time together are all unfounded.
When we got to my godsons's party it was really nice. Like my friend and I had never fallen out. She didn't speak to me about H but she did mention to D that H has just buried himself and just acts really weirdly when they do see him.
Anyway back to H. When we walked back to our cars he gave me a good luck card to give to D for her exams. He then asked if I could send him a copy of her exam timetable. To be honest I was a bit speechless and asked him why he wanted it. He said he just wanted to know when her exams are. He then said he doesn't know if D wants to see him but he didn't want to broach the subject with her just before her exams. I was a little un-DB and said that she is still very hurt and he said he knows. He looked very upset. I asked him when he wanted to get his stuff and he stuttered a bit that he would "text me..come over... I'll let you know". So not quite sure what he wants to do if anything.
All in all it was a pleasant meeting. He obviously hasn't found the nirvana he was hoping to find by leaving me. Instead he has found a lot of opposition from his friends and so he doesn't see them anymore. His idea of being able to drop everything to go and see friends was a lot of BS too as he mentioned his friend annoys him as he doesn't want to arrange stuff and instead wants H to just drop by and see them. I felt pretty sorry for him today.
Coly,
thanks for this update. I think you collected a lot of information and need to process it. Your H sounds miserable-- they still trust us to tell us who they see/don't see, their present lives (having "escaped"). I too, as of late was hearing about H's fights with this person or that, his mother is mad at him, etc. Keep up the good work, Coly, focus on you and D16.
hugs
A
Coly,
I think you did a great job on listening and shifting through his words. See...I told you that you could do it. He's not the happy camper that you thought he was. He's still confused and is confining himself to only work and a few friends. That doesn't sound like a happy person to me...but a depressed one.
Keep up the good work and when you feel anxious...stop, sit down and breathe. You are right where you need to be at this time. Hang in there!
Thanks Altair and Job.
Altair - that's interesting that you are finding out some little tidbits about what is gong on with your H. Why is his Mum mad at him?
Job - I actually felt sick before I was to meet up with H but afterwards I was quite happy with the way it went. I was very proud that I didn't try to arrange to meet up again which a few months, even weeks ago, I would have done! Do you think he is still in replay?
This meeting has helped me feel a little more confident in that his unhappiness isn't all about me. Also, because I was a mess at the start I haven't been socialising with his friends so I just assumed they were all seeing each other as before and having a fabulous time without me! It's amazing how much stuff you can make up in your head!
Another thing which I thought was strange, and I don't want to analyse too much, was when we were in the coffee shop he was buying and I went to find a seat as it was quite busy. I managed to find a small round table in the window with three seats but it was squashed between two larger tables. There were two seats in the window and one seat facing the window. Because it was quite a tight squeeze to get to the two seats in the window I took one of those seats intending for H to have the seat on the opposite side. However when he brought the drinks he squeezed himself through and sat in the seat next to me in the window. Why this is significant for me is that whenever he used to come over he always sat in the chair furthest away from me. In the coffee shop today our knees were literally touching and he didn't flinch!
I guess it's back to going NC again unless he contacts me. I'm not going to bother to send him D's exam timetable. It's just a strange request, like he wants everyone to see what a great step-dad he is. I don't feel like being his PA. I'm sure he can find the information himself if he really wanted it...
Okay so I think I messed up. Feeling really weak and rubbishy about it.
After getting all brave and telling H that he could come and his stuff from the house anytime he wanted he did text me today and asked if I would leave a key out for him tomorrow. I panicked and said it was too short notice and was he annoyed with me (?). He said he wasn't annoyed he just thought he would pick up a few bits. So really at that point I should have said 'okay' but I went into why after making a huge decision to leave me he has just sat back and let me make all the decisions so it looks like I am the one pushing things forward. He said he didn't think I was pushing things and that he didn't really need to get his stuff. So I responded that I am trying to be brave but that it is killing me (ugh). He just said don't worry and that he doesn't need to get anything and then asked me about godson's birthday.
I feel like he is keeping me sweet because of D. I think if it wasn't for her he would have lost patience over my flakyness a long time ago. I need to pull myself together. He doesn't want to be with me. It's over and I NEED to let go for my own sanity...
I have prepared a text to send him and wondered what your thoughts were:
"No, I have to be brave. I have to respect your wishes and your feelings. This situation is not what I want but I realise that you needed to leave to be happy because I was making you said. I care about you enough to want what is best for you and if this makes you happy then I accept it. I always held a little bit of hope that you left your things here because you are still unsure of how you feel but now I realise that was foolish of me. These are your belongings and they belong with you. The reason why I have found it so hard is because you taking your stuff from here symbolises for me the last intimate links we have to each other. Anyway, I left the key for you in the usual place. Take care"
I feel like such an idiot! This goes to show that maybe I am not ready to be making decisions like this. Maybe I shouldn't send that text but does it make me look like I'm flip-flopping all over the place?! Ugh!!
Coly, you don't need anyone here to tell you what to do, you know what to do. You don't cure your overly emotional pursuing language with more of the same. You know this only pushes him away. How about you text him the following instead: "I left the key for you in the usual place. Come get your stuff when you want. Take care"
You don't have to give up on him forever, but you do have to give up on him for now. You can do that. Do it for Coly and D.
Done.
Thanks OwnIt..... X