Here is the link to my previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...255#Post2673255Just reporting.
Hopeful is how I woke up this morning. H still occupied my thoughts but not as long as usual. I really can feel and see a shift in me regarding my situation. Looking back since the birth of out first child, H never really offered me any support. So why would I want someone like that in my life! I have been single for 13 months now and even if at times it's hard, I still get up to go to work, still look after my kids, still carry on with my day to day chores, so truthfully I don't need him. I have stuck to my values and I'm doing my best to correct what needs to be within me! Hard to do and to look inside yourself!
H turned up at the house an hour earlier than the time he told me he would, and he wasn't really in a rush as he took him another 30 minutes to leave the house! I didn't see him physically as I was getting ready. He asked me to order few things for him and that he doesn't want a piece of furniture that he said he would have. I left about 4 hours before I sent him a text saying that he should order what he needs then I'll refund him and as he wanted that piece of furniture he could sell it himself! Was so proud of me and I did question why he wanted me to order something for him when he could do it himself and why he came earlier but in the end I let it wash over me.
Also I have decided to move the rest of his belongings in the garage, and it felt good to do it!
Had an emotional time at Reiki and as a result I feel more calmer, more serene, more at peace. I can't really explain it but at the moment I'm feeling hopeful. Today I have given up on the idea that one day my H will get consequences for his actions and that now he has his life and I have mine and that he'll never be punished/ or face consequences for what he has done!
I think that was what was holding me back and kept me going round: I wanted to hope that he'd wake up and realise his big mistake and we could start a new relationship, and if not that he'll be somehow, somewhat punished ( can't find another verb to express this feeling) right away. I'm learning that it'll never happen and that it was only hurting me not him.
I won't lie and I still love him but at the present moment I don't think I would want to go back with him. I know for me to heal I need to go NC but also think that he has passed away so we can get back together! I don't see what the future holds but I'm learning to live in the present.
Rouky,
You can always have hope that your h will one day wake up. His journey is a long one and no one knows if and when he'll come to the crosswords of whether to wake up on continue to live in the rabbit hole. It's okay to think about him and your marriage because you two had a long marriage and it's difficult to suddenly snap your fingers and it all goes away. However, in time, you'll come to realize that in many ways, this crisis has put you on a path of self discovery as well.
If you feel good about moving the rest of his belongings into the garage, then by all means do so. Make the space yours, as you are the one living there and do not need the constant reminders of him all around you.
I'm glad Reiki helped. You sound much better today and I hope that this feeling of calmness will continue for you in the days ahead.
Rouky, you do not want the old marriage back...you want a new and improved one and that is what everyone who comes here to strive for. You are learning to forgive and also dropping the rope so that you both can move forward on life's path. If going NC as much as possible will help you, then do so.
I think you've come a long way and I'm very proud of you.
Hi Rouky! Love the title of your new thread! I'm glad to read how much better you're feeling about things. It is very hard to come to the realisation that you no longer want the person back as they are. Some days I feel like that and it breaks my heart and then others I am as resolved as you and ask myself why I would want someone in my life who doesn't want to treat me and the kids well. Stay strong. We have to keep believing that things will be a whole lot better some day soon.
Hi Rouky,
I just registered but reading this forum for several weeks already. I find it very helpful.
It's great that you feel much better. I tried reiki 2 weeks ago & it seems it helped. When I read your post it seems our feelings are similar. I also feel like my husband never really supported me that much since our kids were born. Replaying the years of our marriage, realising how selfish he was/still is... I feel like I don't want him back but I'm not yet ready to give up either. For me it's still relatively "fresh". On the other hand when I read here the success stories, it seems it takes a lot of time for husbands to come back. I'm not sure I'm that much patient... Keep positive & let's hope for the best (no matter what "the best" is - for me it's still not clear).
Bonjour Rouky. Como sa va? I hope I said that right. I hope you are doing well and finding reason to smile. I hope that you hear the birds singing and smell the flowers in bloom. I think of you every day and pray that you are well.
Warning, I'm in a venting mood!
Got submerged by flood of anger tonight towards H! I have kept it for too long inside me as I though it was the right thing to do! No it isn't! I haven't sign for that ship when I got married! I didn't sign to bring up my kids on my own while H has a jolly good time with slug. I have done nothing wrong to deserve this, I had my flaws which have been revealed when all this happened, but by no means I am a bad person who deserves to suffer like this!
I have been venting a lot to a friend who was in the same situation as me and bless her she listened and tried to support/ validate my burst of anger! H is a selfish and self centered man who uses and abuses people trust/ love for him. He doesn't deserve to have a lovely life with his mistress! He is a coward as it's far too easy to run from problems than actually sit down, discuss them and try to resolve them before introducing OW in marriage.
How can he leave with her knowing that he is still legally married? How come his subconscious is telling him that what he is doing is ok? How can they both look at each other and be happy that they have wrecked a family!
I'm way better than her: I have morals and values, I have family values, I have a better paid job, I can speak 3 languages, I'm intelligent and I don't see the point of going out every Saturday night and get hammered as an enjoyable activity! I'M CLASSY ( maybe not after this post). I'M WAY BETTER THAN HER!
Here are the facts: H is an idiot, a lowat, immature, selfish man. He might be good looking on the outside but not so good on the inside. He left his two families, he goes a out a lot, doesn't help with anything, can't save any money, and he has become every thing he dislikes in his dad! Would a person in her right state of mind want someone like him? H despite living with OW and commenting on OW's FB page (been together for 3 years but I suspect 4) hasn't introduce her to any of his family member! That he waits for our kids that's good! OW's brother is a very good friend of H's sister. H has bought a house but now I suspect he has bought it only to have kids staying there when he has them, and has no intention to live in! Why would he when he has OW slavering around for him!
I'm done, I'm off this roller coaster. I don't want to save my marriage anymore as there is nothing to save. I can forgive but not forget what H has done. He isn't a man, just a big piece of chips :-)! I don't need him as I have been able for the last 13 months to do everything on my own! I was depressed because I thought that my life was over, that nobody would love me and that I'd be single for the rest of my life. You know what I'm no longer afraid of this. If it's what God wants then so be it. My life and it's future are in his hands.
Apart from that had brilliant day at work and I'm going back to being me!
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Shotgun thanks for checking on me. You are always on my mind and I wonder how you are doing.
Here! Here! Rouky! I applaud you for getting this off your chest! I think it does us good to let these feelings and thoughts out sometimes! We are only human and cannot possibly be as perfect as DBing requires every minute of every day going through the worst time in our lives. Every word is absolutely right! OW cannot hold a candle to you!
You sound so like me, I too cannot see the pleasure in going out and getting blinding drunk as an entertainment. I'd much rather have a fine meal and a conversation! My H looks down on me for not finding getting drunk an enjoyable activity. In fact, it is one of the things he has said he doesn't like about me since he left, that I don't like getting drunk! I think it just goes to show that they are having a crisis. That kind of behaviour is something that is done in your teens when you are single, not when you have kids. You are worth a thousand of OW, I'm sure!
I know what you mean about fearing you'd be single for the rest of your life. I still fear this. I hope that one day I can get to the point that I don't fear it, as you have.
You are doing brilliantly at this and at life the last 13 months, if H can't see how amazing you are then that is his loss! You have even made me feel a little stronger reading this, thank you! IP
How are you doing today? You needed to vent because the anger has been simmering for quite some time. You are the prize and you don't need this man in your life right now. He's a hot mess and is a selfish, self-centered spoiled brat right now.
Rouky, live your life to the fullest and always remember...YOU ARE THE PRIZE! One day, he may come to realize what he lost...but by that time, you have moved forward by leaps and bounds and he'll have a heck of time catching up...but that's his problem...not yours.
Please take care of yourself!
Let it go, Let it Gooooo :-)! Can't take that song of my head but what a day! I'm starting to understand the term detachment, what a nice feeling it is. Started to think about H and OW and suddenly heard myself saying WOW step back lady and let it wash over you! It was literally liberating! Few people reminded me of my situation today, it stung me but it wasn't like a digger in my heart! Healing is on its way.
H texted to say he'll be late, so managed to get a sitter to look after the kids while I was at my singing lesson, then went to the pictures on my own! Rouky is back as it's what I used to do before I met H: I'd be at the pictures every week ( even on a student budget!). Thanked H for letting me know and told him about the arrangements with baby sitter, and guess what he was earlier than expected! Wasn't too happy as I had to see him as I'm NC, he asked me if I was ok, cheerfully said yes (didn't even look at him) and left!
You are right Job I'm the prize and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet emotionally. H doesn't define who I am. As one of my colleagues pointed out, I'm a lot more out than I have been in the last 8 years! If I had stayed with H I'd not be doing that and she is perfectly right!
I have done two things I liked today and I'm feeling good!
You are smoking hot Rouky! Keep on rocking.
Feeling less confident than at the beginning of the week but work has been stressful, my kids and my dog have been waking up in the middle of the night a lot so I'm really tired! I'm also annoyed as H doesn't get any if this and it's not fair!
In 6 weeks I'm due to move, so took kids to see new house and they loved it! I was a bit concerned as everything is ready on my side but the guy whom I'm buying from hasn't played his part. So I bluntly told him that I needed to move by a certain date or my kids and I will be homrless! Well not really. He is no chain like me, so now it should run smoothly. I don't think I have become best buddy with solicitor because I'm on there case pretty much every day! Usually I'd be panicking but not yet!
I have started to do done clear out and I have now reach the point where I don't want to take hardly anything from marital house, so little by little I'm selling things. I want/ need a clean break!
I have been kind of NCish with H (apart from wedding) and just slight change but I think it's pure coincidence. Two days ago he texted he'd be late so booked sitter so I could go out, when I was to leave house guess who turned up and asked me if I was ok, I said yes and left without looking at him at all. The kids told me that that night as soon as sitter came back, he was gone ( didn't put them to bed, not read them a story like he has been doing lately). Then tonight he came way early to pick them up and it's the first time in ages that he said say bye to your mum!
I'm not reading too much into it. H is still living with OW, still happy with his life and so far no consequences. I was looking back and there were .twice where I lost it with him but other than that I think I handle it quite well. I met OW by mistake and told her she could have him. I didn't vent against her on FB ( ok I vented to my friends and H's sisters), I have stayed clear of his relationship with her (apart one time when he didn't pay). So actually he hasn't got much of ammunitions against me to say to OW as I don't speak to him, stood my ground when it came to financial business (which he didn't like).
All this might have sent him the message that I didn't/ don't care about him ( he used to tell me that I was cold towards him and that why OW is better than me), but actually why should I care for someone who cheated on me for so long, who forced me to kick him out of our H as he was back with OW. He doesn't deserve to be treated kindly or me to be friend with him when I didn't ask for any of this. He'll never show any regrets and I'm not/ no longer part of his life and I don't think I'll ever again. Nothing I can do about that anyway. Life moves on, so must I!
Hi Rouky! You may not feel as confident as at the beginning of the week but you still sound it in your post, my friend!
You are asserting yourself where necessary in matters that do not involve your H (the house) and you are staying calm when you say that previously you would have been panicking! I think that your new, confident self is still standing firm
.
I agree with you, I think you handle your situation with your H remarkably well! I don't think I could be half as cordial as you if my H was actually living with an OW!!! I also agree with you when you say why should you be friendly towards him when he has treated you so badly and with so little respect. I think we lose sight of this a little when DBing. If a friend treat us with so little respect and disregard for our feelings we would cease to be friends with them, but because they are our H and we don't want to hurt our children we take far too much 'abusive' behaviour from them! I truly hope that I can be as strong as you in my own situation.
Do you have any nice plans for the weekend? I'm hoping the weather stays nice because then we will have our first BBQ of the year at my parents' house
.
(((((((Rouky)))))))
Hola Rouky! Como estas? I hope you are having a great weekend. The weather is beautiful here so I guess I have no excuse but to work on my yard. Should I plant some flowers? I hope that you can get out and get some sunshine today. The depression will not last for ever mi amor. Better days are coming!
Today I can say I'm happy, maybe the weather has helped. Sunny and hot all day. I can feel the rope slipping of my hands. I had set myself some goals and I have a couple left to do, so on and all I feel I have a great feel of achievement.
As for H, I'm starting to realise that he is the one who has a lot of issues to deal with. At the moment he is reliving his youth with OW, he became a father aged 21, so he never had the chance to enjoy his life before kids! He is the one who has to wake up next to OW ( knowing that it's wrong and she is a woman of low morals to get involved with a married man) to look at himself in the mirror everyday and realise that he has walkaway twice from a relationship with kids involved. I remember his sister telling me ( way before I found out about his A) that he'll never be happy, and slowly I believe that she is right. H is chasing happiness from someone else not from within. It took the break up of my M to realise that happiness is from within.
I didn't have the greatest childhood and felt unloved by my family but at least I can look at myself everyday and say I didn't cheat in the pursuit of happiness. I was ok to put up with H's distance and coldness towards me because I knew our house was putting a strain on our finances and that the end of the tunnel was soon insight. All this shows that I have values, that I'm loyal (was sticking to my vows for better or worse) and that I truly deserve better.
I have also started to clear house for the move. There are still loads of H's stuff and i put them in the garage. H told me that he would use his work van to move his stuff, this also tells me that he is in a fog as he has no idea how much stuff he is gonna have to put in his small van!
I no longer dread D and I'm looking forward my new house, my new life. For the last 14 months, I have been out more than I have ever been while with H (ok the kids were very young), I have been able to treat myself without feeling guilty that it was money I was taking from my kids or my family, I have gone back to watch movies. I can honestly say that I'm ME, that I'm getting on with my life, that I can feel I'm coming out of the tunnel ( M and depression), and that great things will come my way. I just have to sit back and let the high spirit take me where I'm supposed to go. I have also read Bluwater thread in Newcomers and it was a real eye opener.
Had a down day today as weather was nice and hot and usually H and I would take the kids to the seaside. I hate him for him doing that, where is the commitment for better and worse? Anyway he is playing happy family with OW's child and her friends! Why is it taking so long for him to get consequences for what he did?
I rang a friend who came round and we had a good chat. He was able to cheer me up and we had a normal conversation and talked about history, Reiki. It was nice because I could never have a discussion like that with H. He'd not talk about politics, history or anything like that. Now looking back we only talked about our future, the kids and to start with our jobs but he stopped that one too! What did I find in him?
Also found out on FB that all my FIL grandchildren were with him today apart from mine, if my MIL was still alive this would have never happened. At least my H wasn't there either! Now I'm tempted to challenge my FIL about this as so far I'm always taking my kids to him but he hardly comes to see them at our house! Any advice on this one or shall I let it wash over?
Rouky,
I think I would leave well enough alone right now w/the FIL. There will come a time when you can open the door a bit and step thru it and have a discussion w/him about visiting w/his grandchildren.
How long will it take for the consequences of his actions? Well, it could take a week, month, year or even years...but it's not something that will happen quickly. Karma has a way of working when we least expect it, so the only thing you can do is live your life and not focus on whether the Karma train has left the station just yet.
I know you and your h would normally go to the seaside on a day like to day, but what is stopping you from going w/your children? Just because your h is MIA, that doesn't mean you can't do things on your own and yes, even enjoy them. The best revenge in all of this mess is to live your life to the fullest.
It will get better, but it takes a lot of time and patience to get there.
Hey Rouky it's Mothers Day here. I hope that you have had a wonderful day and have spent some quality time with your kids.You are a great mother and they will not forget your dedication to them. Enjoy the nice days and try to get out and take advantage of them. Praying for peace, Mark
I never thought I'd say that but boy I was glad to be back at work. I was focused on what I was doing and it felt good.
I'm not sure NC is working as I can see no changes, on the other hand I'm not even sure that I want to experiment something new with H. I have my voice deep down which is telling me that it's truly over and done with. I know that there is no physical attraction from H for me nor me for him, so I guess it's a wrap for our M.
He came today but hardly spent time with kids as he started to sort out the garage (little does he know that I'm going to fill it up with more of his rubbish!). I can clearly see he's done with me. He has never shown any regrets ( even when he hurt his mum badly and I remember her telling me until her death that he never apologised).
As Inpain pointed out, the problem is him as it's his second relationship with kids that he has left. Despite it being true I can see his relationship with OW lasts as her kids are older so no pressure to deal with young kids. Now thinking back maybe H has really found his soul mate and that she is able to provide what he needs. One of my colleague had her H cheating on her and he has been with OW for 17 years, so I'm incline to think that my H will be the same. Funny as when we were able to talk 14 months ago, he told me he was done with women as he has 2 failed relationships but that he didn't want a D. I'm expecting it as he said he'll do it once the house is sold.
Now my view is why on earth would I like to be back with him? I haven't forgiven and I certainly can't forget! If Iook back I think that as soon as our first daughter was born he was showing sign of being extremely selfish, but I was aware of it but buried my head in the sand. Wherever I read it always says that things happen for a reason, although I keep thinking that so far I have always been lucky professionally but very unlucky in love. Maybe I'm better off being single, unfortunately when I see friends who are singles they are suffering from it despite them smiling a lot, being cheerful a lot. I'm wondering what my job on this planet is!
Saw Mercury with the Sun today, It was very impressive.
Hi Rouky. I came here to see how you are. I'm happy that you are watching movies. I'm sad that your husband is such a loser. Are you still seeing your counselor? I no longer go to mine but every once in a while I think about going again. Now days I get depressed but it only lasts a day or two. You will get here too. You are starting to see your ex for what he really is and things will become more clear for you. Take care of yourself and your kids and keep up with GAL. Thinking of you always, Mark
Work is a good way to take the focus off of your situation at home. I hope that you are feeling better today.
NC is for you. It helps you to detach a bit more each and every day so that when you do have contact w/your h, you don't react quite as suddenly as you did at the beginning of the crisis. I think it's working for you because you aren't reacting the way that you use to.
As you walk the path, the rose colored glasses will begin to slip and you will see a few things that you tended to over look in your relationship w/your h. We all accepted the flaws and over looked things along the way, but when you step back and can actually question some of those flaw and/or quirks, it really makes you think about a lot of things.
In time, you will find a way to forgive him for what he's done...but it's going to take a lot of time and patience to do so. To walk around w/that kind of emotion bottled up will eventually make you an angry and possibly a bitter woman...again, it's not the right time yet because you are still dealing w/him and his behavior. You'll never forget what he's done...but it will be a distant memory, i.e., like child birth.
You are right where you need to be at this time. Live in the present and enjoy the gift of time. The future is far off and will only be revealed when the time is right.
Take care.
God has his funny way of doing things. Today woke up not thinking about H and throughout the day, every time he popped up in my mind I challenged that thought and he was gone. I have been avoiding H tonight when he came to see kids ( well don't think I can say kids because he was clearing the garage, so didn't spend much time with kids!), unfortunately when I came back from singing he was in the drive as I was coming out of the car. He started to say that he was clearing the rubbish from garage. He apologised for not being able to look at me because he had injured his eyes. I validated by saying I'm sorry to hear that. Then he moved onto telling me that he'd leave things for me to have a look at if I want to take in new house. Then he asked me if I was sorted out for moving, I told him that I was moving on my own and renting a van, but he already knew that as he told me that one of my brother in laws who was supposed to help me can't do it! Nice for him to know in advance that BIL won't help and nice from SIL to tell me this! Then he offered to help me move but said that he'd not enter my new house. I don't have really much choice but to accept as everyone I asked to help me seems to disappear in thin air! I thanked him and said that I'll let him know.
Then he carried on talking about things in the house, and where I should put my boxes. It was a very cordial chat and it really hurts as tonight I saw my old H and yes I'm sad as I'm not as detached as I thought I was! I'm glad he offered to help as I would have never asked him to help. Also I know that he didn't help his first partner to move when he left her. I guess he is learning for his previous mistakes! Or he is just feeling guilty because he knows I have no family here! Before he left he told me what he was going to do with the stuff he put in his van! I don't see why he'd want to tell me that.
When is it time to give hope? When is it time to give up? As I don't do R talk nor talk about OW I don't know what is going on. A part of me want to believe that my M is salvageable, whereas the other part truly believe it's over. I remember his sister telling me that I can't make someone who doesn't love me to love me, and she added even if we were getting back together he'd not make me happy!
I'm not 100% happy but I'm not 100% unhappy! I'm ok at the present time. I'm worried that I have too much hope and that I'm beingvery naive to think that I could be a success in putting back together my M.
Rouky,
You have every right to be sad. If you weren't, then I would be concerned. You are grieving for the death of your old marriage, you have to move and reset up somewhere else and start over again. It's not easy and you are only human, so feel those sad feelings and then release them.
I'm glad your h has offered to help you move It's funny how people say that they will help you and then when it's time to pack up and move, most of them disappear.
You will know when it's time to give up hope. You aren't ready to do so just yet...but in time, you will know.
For now, continue packing and moving forward.
Life follows its journey. Still have up and down days although the pain seems to be less strong and fading away as time goes by. Didn't get much GAL this week as I was really tired and not sleeping well. Got woken up by thoughts about what I could have done to change the course of my M, but quickly came to the conclusion that I could have done nothing.
I saw H quite a lot this week. He came an extra day on Thursday as he sold an item and I asked him to be there for collection. The funny thing was that I wasn't much PMA as I was really tired but he didn't look good either! He tried to move something by himself, I offered to help him (despite wearing nice clothes as I was going out for a date), but he declined it. I saw he was struggling so decided to give him a hand. I wasn't expecting a thank you so I was fine with this. Then he asked me again if I wanted his help to move, so I said I'd accept it but he made it clear that he'd not enter my house. I thought to myself you have ready mentioned it, so I know! We have decided to split the cost of the removal between us, and this made me realise how tight H is. Always on a look out for a bargain, don't me wrong as I think it's a good thing but with him it was like that all the time. I like a good bargain, although at the same time I like to buy nice things not always looking for a discount! TBH this is so weird as I was always putting extra money in joint account as H was always spending for things that we didn't really needed.
I have been packing and I was pleased with myself as I was able to look back at photos, cards I got from H when we first dated/ got married. I was sad looking at them but no tears nor real deep sadness. I guess I'm on my way to truly detached! IC also commented on how she had noticed changes in me from when I started. She reckons that I have a hard time at letting go because I have this fantasy about the past ( when we were in love and happy) and I can't seem to detach from this! I know she is right as I have seen glimpse of old H lately. H is a strange person as he has been saying to his family that he isn't living with OW, when in fact he is! Is it that he is ashamed of himself or her?
Went on a date. It was a good night as I was back to who I'm (but still work in progress). Went with no expectation, and haven't heard from that person since then and I'm fine with it. The old me who have sounded desperate and pursued him but not this time.
I'm slowly getting there, and I hope everyone had a good weekend.
Rouky,
Sometimes we have to take a break from GALing and it sounds like your body was telling you it needed some rest. You are so right...there's nothing you could have done differently in your marriage. You loved your h unconditionally and you did everything you were suppose to do and yet, his crisis was still going to happen no matter what.
Oh, yeah, he's tight about money because he doesn't want to spend it on you or w/the moving. He would really prefer to spend it on himself and fun times. They really do become selfish in all ways when in crisis. I'm glad to read that you both were able to work together over the weekend. Hopefully the packing will be completed and you can move into your new place and make it your haven of comfort.
Your attitude about the date is great! You went out and you probably had a good time. You kept your expectations at zero and look at you! You are fine w/the fact he's not contacted you yet. Yes, you are slowly getting there and you know what? I think you are doing just fine.
Keep up the good work!
I'm very proud of you Rouky! Your strength is shining through. You will survive this and better days are coming. I know there is some really nice boy who will sweep you off of your feet and take care of you in the manner that you deserve. Letting a man do the pursuing is natures way and I am glad that you understand that. I hope that you have a great week and have plenty to smile about. Mark
My kids made me laugh today as they told me that when they went out at the weekend with their dad, he told them that cheap is the way forward. I couldn't stop laughing! This has made me realise that H isn't in MLC as when we first started dated he was always on the look out for cheap stuff. Was impressed by him as he came and cut the grass without me asking him to do so (ok he didn't spend time with kids & was in a rush to go after he did it), so I thanked him.
It's funny how I react. Yesterday and today I was fine and getting on with my life, until I got a text from a friend talking about my situation and that has spoilt the rest of my day as I couldn't stop thinking about H!
I don't know how to behave when he is around. I keep reading and getting confused in what to do. There are some advice to go NC ( which I am at the moment but for my own sanity), whereas there are other about being friendly! I remember H telling me a year ago (BD time) that I was distant and cold towards him (so was he!), so I guess NC isn't good as it only reinforce his feelings about me, but on the other hand I don't want to be friend with him as separated/ divorced people are hardly friends. So I'm not too sure on which foot to stand! Now that financial side has been sorted, there is really no need for him and I to communicate (apart for the children). I keep remembering what my SIL told me a couple of month ago: " you can't make so rom who don't love you, love you" and she added "even if you were to get back together, he'll never make you happy". So I guess H has told her that he doesn't love me anymore and it was her gentle way to tell me to move on and start a new chapter without him! Is it time for me to draw the line?
I know I still have feelings for him but is it real love or just the thought of loving who he was before he started to go off the rail?
Hi Rouky, who knows what was said to SIL and who's bothered what she thinks should happen? It's what you think should happen that matters.
You don't sound ready to throw in the towel (if I may say.) Like many of us, you are still flipping about - which is fine - but I think we need to get to a very sure and settled place within ourselves where we fundamentally know moving on is the right thing.
As for how to behave with your H - just follow the DB guidelines I say. Be like a woman who has a life, has plans and is generally happy in her life without him. Upbeat, breezy, limited convo, validates, moves off on to something else as she's busy etc....
Xx
At least he mowed the lawn and you thanked him. That's a good move on your part. Maybe he had something to do or was afraid that you would bring up the relationship and he didn't want to hear it. I do think that if he continues to come around and he sees that you aren't pressuring him in returning home, he may stay longer each time.
I'm sorry your friend spoiled your day. You can always change the subject and not talk about your situation w/this friend.
I do understand how you can become confused by the advice, but each situation is different. If your spouse has stated that you are cold and indifferent, then NC or going dark may not be the way to go. Try something different the next time he contacts you. Ask about his day and appear interested in what he tells you. Mention something that you know that will interest him and share a bit w/him about the children's day. However, you will need to stay away from relationship talks for now.
As for your SIL, take what she says w/a grain of salt. Yes, your h may have said something in passing, but he's unhappy and people will say things that they will later regret. Sometimes people mean well because they want you to move on w/your life and cut your losses, but they aren't walking a mile in your shoes and until they do, their advice is just lip service in my opinion.
Rouky, you are the only one that can decide when it's time to draw the line. I wouldn't make any decisions based on what your SIL told you. Make your decisions when you are calm and feel ready to do so. I, personally, don't think you are ready to draw that line in the sand...but that's my 2 cents.
My kids made me laugh today as they told me that when they went out at the weekend with their dad, he told them that cheap is the way forward. I couldn't stop laughing! This has made me realise that H isn't in MLC as when we first started dated he was always on the look out for cheap stuff. Was impressed by him as he came and cut the grass without me asking him to do so (ok he didn't spend time with kids & was in a rush to go after he did it), so I thanked him.
It's funny how I react. Yesterday and today I was fine and getting on with my life, until I got a text from a friend talking about my situation and that has spoilt the rest of my day as I couldn't stop thinking about H!
I don't know how to behave when he is around. I keep reading and getting confused in what to do. There are some advice to go NC ( which I am at the moment but for my own sanity), whereas there are other about being friendly! I remember H telling me a year ago (BD time) that I was distant and cold towards him (so was he!), so I guess NC isn't good as it only reinforce his feelings about me, but on the other hand I don't want to be friend with him as separated/ divorced people are hardly friends. So I'm not too sure on which foot to stand! Now that financial side has been sorted, there is really no need for him and I to communicate (apart for the children). I keep remembering what my SIL told me a couple of month ago: " you can't make so rom who don't love you, love you" and she added "even if you were to get back together, he'll never make you happy". So I guess H has told her that he doesn't love me anymore and it was her gentle way to tell me to move on and start a new chapter without him! Is it time for me to draw the line?
I know I still have feelings for him but is it real love or just the thought of loving who he was before he started to go off the rail?
Hi Rouky! Thank you so much for your posts on my thread, I appreciate them so much!
Interesting about H coming to cut the grass. Is that the first time he's done that in a long while? I wish I had some incredible advice to give you about how to behave when H is around, I feel I owe you the same amazing advice you always offer me, but when I read this post it was like I had written it myself!! I feel exactly the same re: divorced/separated people hardly being friends, yet also feel that NC shoves my H further away.
It is so tough to decide when to draw the line too. I wonder if my feelings are just memories of feelings from the past too. I do think Job is probably right though, and that when the time comes for us to move on, we will not be questioning if we should, we just will. I hope so anyway, because I for one am tired of this merry-go-round of feelings towards my H and I haven't been on it half as long as you have. You are such a strong lady to have been able to keep at this so long.
Thanks everyone. Last time I cut the grass myself and the previous time I asked him to do it. So really this time I wanted to see if he was going to do it by himself as I had to always asked him to do things around the house. Cutting the grass wasn't anything of the ordinary as it was his day to come and see the kids anyway.
I can't describe it but H has a way to manipulate people in a very subtitle way. Basically he'll let people do what they want, then he'll wait for them to change but not him. So it does comfort him in his views that he is always right and others are wrong. That is what I'm finding it hard to deal with, as no matter what I do/ did I get no response from him.
I guess I should count myself lucky that he hasn't introduced OW to our kids and that he hasn't filed yet! I really don't know how to dance with him.
Like you IP I don't know if I really love him or is it the memories of him before all this! I have a good life: a job I enjoy, two loving kids, a fab dog, a great house ( sold but still great); I have friends and I have done things I'd never done if I still was with H ( like going out with friends, eating in restaurants),on those areas I feel whole and accomplished, the only grey area is my sentimental life.
HOla mi amor! Como estas? Doing well here. Glad to hear you focusing on the positive. You are amazing as ever and I am thankful to know you. Take care of yourself and I hope you find a reason to smile today. God Bless you!
What a week! I have been up and down every single day. What's wrong with me. I'm also really tired and work has been demanding. I'm on a down path, do really know why as if I look at my life now in the last 14 months I have dime more things than during my 10 years marriage!
Interaction with H is to a minimum but he stayed longer last time he came round to see kids! Tonight I feel guilty like I have been told off like a child by H. I'm away for the weekend and told him that I'd be leaving at a certain time, so he can be in the house. So tonight I said that I'll see him normal time and he tells me it never a give and take with you! I went I'm sorry and he said because I told him I won't leave before lunch he had made other plans! He usually has his kids from 10 am every Sat! It's not that he has other plans but it's his voice tone, I really felt told off like a stupid child! I thought he'd take the opportunity to be with his kids more than he has so far. He's going to have to get used to it as in a month time, the alternate weekend will start!
Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why am I still hoping for R, when everyone on this board can see that it'll never happen? Why do I think that I can't get better than H? Normally I'd have replied to his comments but I didn't, so why am bothered about how I act around him? I can see that he is selfish and clearly now I'm just a bother for him, so why can't I move on like he did? My mind can see things clearly, so why does my heart still hold on to the hope that I'll get my H back? If I was single and would have been spoken to like how he did tonight, I'd have walked away, so why can't i do?
Just my thoughts!
Rouky,
Your h detached from you and the relationship at least 2 years before he dropped the bomb about not being happy, etc. So, he's had ample time to become a detached individual. You, on the other hand, are just starting the journey and are still on the emotional roller coaster.
When he says that it's never a give and take with you...tell him" I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. Don't take those type of comments personally. It's all about him, how he feels and yes, how he sees the situation for what it is. He made that statement to get under your skin because you are going away and he's not happy about it.
Rouky, just be yourself. The calmer you are around him, the better. Keep your voice calm and even and always look him in the eye. Trust me, in a few months, you will have mastered some of the art of detaching and you won't allow him to get under your skin as much.
Go and have some fun and don't allow his behavior and comments to ruin your weekend. He's not worth it right now.
Aw Rouky, I'm sorry you've had a bad week. Must be something in the air as I've been up and down too!
[quote-Rouky]Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why am I still hoping for R, when everyone on this board can see that it'll never happen? Why do I think that I can't get better than H? Normally I'd have replied to his comments but I didn't, so why am bothered about how I act around him? I can see that he is selfish and clearly now I'm just a bother for him, so why can't I move on like he did? My mind can see things clearly, so why does my heart still hold on to the hope that I'll get my H back? If I was single and would have been spoken to like how he did tonight, I'd have walked away, so why can't i do? [/quote]
I think we all feel this way. Deep down I think we know that we can do better, it's just that we don't want to because we didn't want our Hs to become this way and do this to us, and we just want the guy we fell in love with and married back! My Dad keeps telling me I'm chasing a shadow and that H is not the man he was. I know he's right but it just hurts so much to know that. It is easier to walk away when you're single and someone treats you badly: there isn't as much at stake and you can walk away cleanly whereas because we have kids with our Hs we know deep down we will never, ever be truly away from them.
Do you have any nice plans for the weekend? How are the kids coping with it all?
Hi Rouky! Just checking to see how you are. I hope you are having a fun weekend. How is work? How is IC? Are you getting outside any? Keep up the hard work. Praying for peace!
I'm sorry in advance as here is the only place where I can say what I feel without being judged. A year ago I joined this forum in the hope that I'd be able to save my M, now a year on (and still on the roller coaster) I have finally understood that it was all about saving me. For the last few days things have started to fall into place and I see that I'm on a spiritual journey to rediscover myself.
It all started with my girly weekend for my friend's 40th. I didn't know any of her friends but they all made me felt welcome and we had such a great time. I had a great chat with my friend and I never realised how much she loves and cares for me.
Then it carried on by talking with a colleague who has just started to work for us and I don't know why we started to talk about God, the fact that things happen for a reason. After talking to her I finally realised that none of this is my fault ( I have accepted my part in it) and I'm beginning to show compassion to myself.
I have realised that I'm enough as I am and that H was part of my journey to become a better me. I still love him and at times I have a slight pinch in my heart but it isn't as hurtful as a couple of weeks ago. Have I finally let go? Maybe. I was depressed since birth of my first child and I was hoping that H could provide me with happiness but it doesn't work that way. It has only hit me recently that I'm the captain of the Rouky ship, not someone else. I think H's A was the wake up call I needed to take charge of my life and live it how I should be. If I had still been with H I'd have never been allowed to go away like that. I'm out for a stand up comedy tomorrow and for a meal the next day. And again I'd have never done that with him around. In the last 14 months I have been out more then I have in 12 years with H.
Interactions with H are funny. I never know what to expect from him, so now I don't expect anything. A couple of nights ago he came late and left earlier than usual, so hardly spent time with his kids, whereas the previous time he left later. Again tonight he left way later than usual and was on time! We managed to have a civil conversation about me moving and him offering some advice ( which I validated); he started to talk about his job, and I listened. He even asked me if I did transfer some money to him, and only that told me that H isn't his self. He knows what I'm like regarding finances and when I say I'll do something related to money it is done straight away! I'm under now illusion that he still leaves with OW, and even if I wished he was with me not her, he deserves to be happy and if she can make him happy I have to accept that.
I also have been on a couple of dates with no expectations and had a great time. I'm not in rush to enter another relationship and it's very enlightening for me to meet new people as I have always been shy and this is very out of my comfort zone.
Just need a final advice. I want to send a text to H to thank him for the advice he gave me today and I wanted to run it by you:"Thank you very much for your generous advice as I realise you had no obligation to do so". Any comments?
Hey Rouky it is thrilling to hear you are out having a good time. Also great to hear that you aren't beating yourself up as badly as you once did. You are a special person and something wonderful is in store for you. As for interaction with your husband, I feel like you are still putting a little too much importance on his actions/reactions. Keep trying to detach and keep up the GAL. It is working for you. Love you as always!
Hi Captain Rouky - sounds like your ship is in good hands. Yes, I would keep is simple with your H - thanks for the advice today - I appreciate it...
As Shotgun says - don't sweat the interactions with him...I rarely worry about what I write to XH now (tho I'm always pleasant) and it is freeing.
Take care xx
Rouky,
You certainly won't be judged by me! We all come here in the hopes of finding something that will help us save our marriage and yet, a year, maybe two or more, we come to realize that we are actually saving ourselves in the process.
I'm glad you enjoyed the girly weekend and you know what? You are finding your way and as each day passes, you will rediscover more and more about yourself and you will also begin to open doors to the world out there and then start stepping outside your comfort zone. The world is waiting for you!
I'm glad you've been on a couple of dates and had some fun. As for your interactions w/your h, continue as you have been.
Rouky, I'm very proud of you. Don't sweat the small stuff...you've got this and I can't wait to see you blossom even further into a beautiful, more self-confident woman who isn't afraid to tackle anything!
Isn't it funny how your brain can take control of your mind? I felt tired and my brain said no don't go out! So I texted H to see if he could look after kids (very last minute), he said yes so no more excuses for me not to go out! I don't regret as I went on my own to the pictures! I had a great time ( although I'm not sure my hips liked it!).
Had a bit of an unsettled day and I have noticed that it always happens when I'm due to see H when he comes to see kids. So one of my target is to challenge those negatives thoughts as I have been on my own for 14 months and I can do it! Hip hip hooray captain Rouky.
I have a busy week ahead of me (despite being on holidays as it's going to be packing party!). In 3 weeks I'll be in my new house. Well I hope so as sellers seem not to reply to some of my queries! Normally I'd be beside myself and a wreak, not now! I can't control it: worst case scenario kids and dog will leave with H while a friend as offered me to stay at her house until I can move I to new house.
If I overlook what my life has been for the last 14 months I'm impressed with how much things have changed in me ( I'm still in process of becoming a better me!). I have done things I'd have never been able if I had still be with H. I have met lots of new people who have helped me or show compassion and kindness towards me a total stranger to them. Yes it does hurt to do all those things without H, fortunately all this has been a good kick in the backside. Yes it has cost me my M, but I have grown to live in the present, to love myself, to show more compassion and I kindness as I'm slowly becoming who I want to be.
Most importantly I have learnt to love myself, be myself around others and not a pleaser! I have also faith in a better future for me.
LIFE DOES REALLY BEGIN AT 40 :-).
Very nice Rouky! Your new life is beginning at 40. It is wonderful that you are being yourself because there is no one better to be. There are tons of us looking for someone just like you and the right one will find you. Not ever having to pretend is a wonderful feeling. Have a great weekend!
Ah Rouky, I do feel proud of you, reading your post above - and I do agree that you are very much captain of your own ship!
It is true that so many positives come from these difficult times and it is important to see them and appreciate them, and build them into our lives going forwards.
Wow, so your house move is just around the corner - nice thing to look forward too...I'm not too far behind you!
Take care and enjoy the holidays xx
Can't explain why but since last week I have felt a shift in me. Could it be me starting to pack and getting rid of loads of things, or could it be my two besties friends showing me how much I have grown mentally and spiritually?
Both my friends told me about how much I have achieved for the past 14 months, how strong I am and both made me laugh by telling me to stop devaluing myself! They are right: I have been able to deal in a dignified way with my H's betrayal (ok minus the few times where I lost it but as a whole I did well!), deal with my mum cancer, my dad heart surgery, my two kids ( keeping life as normal as possible), my full time job, asking for legal separation, attending a family wedding, selling my house, and buying a new one! So I think I can pay myself on the back :-).
I also feel I have grown into a better person that I'm loving to see. I'm content with my life, still not 100% happy yet but I feel I'm on my way. I'm getting less stressed for things that would easily set me off, I'm changing my way of seeing things from always negative to positive ( still a challenge but getting better by the day), I appreciate a lot more what I have and being thankful for what people do/ did for me.
Don't misunderstand me, there are still days when I have a little cry (mainly because there was a trigger), although in general days are getting better and I feel stronger. I have been able to admit to people that I was/ am depressed but that I'm also on the path to recovery!
On H's side. Not much to say. I'm more cordial to him. Lately he tends to stay a bit longer in the house. H cleared his stuff and I noticed that he hasn't thrown any pictures of us, nor my Valentine's card ( but then again he might have put them in a bin bag and dumped them at his GF's house), so I'm not reading into it much. Tonight I saw shock on his face when he saw that I had already packed quite a lot of boxes and that I was selling everything. I'm wondering if the consequences of his actions are starting it hit home! I saw one of his auntie in town and she says she had never seen me so happy in years and that his cheating was probably the making of me! She might be right as I had several people telling me how changed I am!
Regarding H I'm in a place where I'm not really bothered either way and I carry on with my life. I have invited him for tea but I made it clear that as he would be spending quite some time doing the garden this is the least I could do as a thank you. I'd have/ did the same for a neighbour, so I don't see it as an issue.
I have been on a couple of dates, but nothing came out of it, except that I had a good time and that I met new people.
So there we go, I wanted to say to people that despite the breakdown of my M and my desire to save it, DB is about rediscovering who I was, accepting that everyone has flaws, that life has a lot more to offer and that despite all the heartache, the pain, the sleep depravation, the cries, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is us being saved and becoming a better us.
Hi Rouky! Your post makes great reading! I am so happy to read that you are feeling this way! Not long to go now until you are in your new home. I can't help wondering what your H's reaction to that will be.
You have come such a long way in a relatively short space of time and you're right to be proud of that! The fact that people (even H's relatives) can see how happy you are is great!
Detachment is gone down the drain! Just had a blazing row with kids'father . It is just so hard to love someone who doesn't love you! It all started because we talked about holidays and it didn't had up! So I challenged him, then it went down hill from there. We both were very aggressive and we both wouldn't be wrong.
Now I'm realising that H has actually checked out a long long time ago and there is nothing that I could have done. I did tell him that at the time I was depressed but didn't know how to deal with it, he said that he also had his problem to deal with! Thanks mate: you lost your mum but I had to deal with my dad's cancer, a toddler and a newborn! As you said they rewrite history!
I have calmed down now and I can think clearly enough to see that there is no point hoping for R. I don't like OW but I didn't like the comment he made about her. He said that it won't be his problem if he cheats on his OW and just laughed! I really felt uncomfortable for her.
H said that several times he tried to talk to me but I wouldn't listen to him, that every time he tried to suggest something I'd be negative. I told him yes that he was right but that I now realised that I suffered from depression but didn't get any support from him. To which he replied he had his own problem to deal with.
H doesn't like being wrong. It's always the others faults never his! He doesn't like confrontation, and he is an conflict avoider.
Why can't I see that this relationship was wrong from the beginning! Why can't I see that I deserved better! H has even recognise that he feels that my job isn't as valued as his because I have the luxury to have more holidays than him! I work really hard to get my degree and to be where I am!
The funny thing is that when I challenged him about the amount of holidays he has left, he said that he hasn't have to justify himself but still has given me an account of his days' left! What a plonker!
Also H looked surprised when I told him something and for a minute I saw a glimpse of old H! He said that he'd not help me move and that it was my fault if I'd be homeless as I didn't ask him to come and view the first house that I had to pull out. I told him that I did a survey and asked him for his advice but he didn't reply! Then a couple of minutes later cane back to say that he'll help me move ! I guess his guilty conscience played a part in it!
Also H is annoyed because I told him that he'll need to have to kids staying with him until the house sale goes through! He said that it couldn't work with his work and he thought that I'd be living with his dad. I kindly replied that his kids haven't seen him for over a month now!
All this started as I'm moving in 2 weeks and the queries I had haven't been addressed by seller and I have been on their case since beginning of May!
He said that I have started this conversation to have a fight as I'm stressed about the house business. I said yes I am but not due to lack of pestering solicitor and that if it wasn't for his actions, I'd not be in this situation!
I know I shouldn't have but I sent him a text asking him to read about depression because we both suffer ( me less as I'm seeing the end of the tunnel) from it but refuse to acknowledge it!
When he came round he didn't look that happy either. I have noticed this a couple of time now. I can't save him. He isn't learning from his mistakes when I pointed it out to him that it has destroyed not one but twice his own family! I guess he won't be staying round much now. Didn't even say goodbye to kids and they didn't asked where he was! Like my IC said he was staying a bit more round because he was feeling comfortable, I guess now he won't :-).
He said that the kids were ok, and I replied thanks to me because I have kept the disruption to a minimum for them. I also added that when they are older they will learn why we split up and he said that it wouldn't matter because they probably would have a different opinion! What a loser!
Thanks for reading my rant. I want to journal it, so in a couple of years when I read them I would be able to see how far I have come and grow!
So, you've had a rant w/your h, now let it go. You can't fix him, nor he be willing to listen to what you have to say about depression, especially if you are pointing out that he has depression. Right now, he thinks he has all of the answers and no matter what you say or do, you will never be the one that is right on anything until his fog clears.
Rouky, it takes years to develop any kind of a civil relationship w/the MLCer. Yes, he left the building a long time ago and is far ahead of you in the detachment arena. The best thing you can do is to keep the focus on you, your children and your pending move. Leave him in God's hands.
Always remember, you can't rationalize w/an irrational individual, especially one who is stubbon and thinks that they are right all of the time.
Keep the focus on you!
Can't sleep as I'm getting worried. I'm due to move out of my marital home in 2 weeks but the people I'm buying from aren't responding to my solicitor's letters regarding an extension that they built. I'm getting worried I'm going to be homeless! Kids and dog will go with H, so I'm ok with that. A friend said that I could stay at hers. H said that he'd help me to move but withdrrw his offer then offered it again. I don't know if I can trust him.
Going to ring later on several removal companies and storage facilities to see what I can get in such a short time! H said it's my fault if I'm in this situation. I shouldn't have pull out of the first house. To make matters worse, in the worst case scenario I'd arrange to move in FIL empty house! I haven't heard from him for a month now.
I don't know how I ended up in this situation! Hang on a second, yes I do H cheated on me forcing the sale of marital home.
Breathe!
Definitely have a back up plan w/respect to moving. You can't rely on your h to help you. If he gets a bug up his behind, he could very well tell you again that he won't help.
Also, you need to sit down and figure out where you are going to stay just in case you don't get the answers you need concerning the extension that was built. I wouldn't plan on moving into FIL's empty house, especially if you've not heard from him in quite a while. If the friend's offer still stands, I would take her/him up on the offer as it might just be for a short period of time.
You've got this...get your back up plans in place today.
Hang in there Rouky. Lean on your friends for a few weeks. I know they are glad to help you. You are right that this is your husband's fault. You are just trying to pick up the pieces of his train wreck. I am praying for you and I know that you are resourceful and smart and that you will get through this. Be strong and know there are a lot of us pulling for you.
I have noticed changes in me, a couple of months ago Wednesday's interaction with H would have knocked me down for few days but on Thursday night I was fine.
I have organised a storage and a removal company to help me move. The people I'm buying from are refusing to pay indemnity for the extension, so I'm going to see what I can legally do about it, although it looks like I'll have to pay for it myself! Not fair and I think I'm losing faith in mankind, and people doing the right thing!
H failed to turn up on time so I drove kids to where he was supposed to stay but he wasn't there (with OW), when we got back home H was really annoyed when youngest daughter asked him where he was! He lied to her! It's obvious that he doesn't like people to challenge him and if it doesn't go his way, he becomes aggressive! A friend asked me to look at narcissistic on internet, I look at it and I see a lot of H's features. I'm wondering if he is really in MLC or if he is really a nasty person, I'm leaning towards the latter after how he said his ex is a cow ( they have separated12 years ago, and he still speaks badly of her and how he laughed when I mentioned his behaviour towards OW), and I guess he speaks the same about me to OW. What I find amusing is that he left his first partner because he hated her, so surely by now he'd have outgrown it.
All my friends are telling me that there is a reason why I am on this path, but I have to admit I'm finding it hard to understand why.
Hi Rouky, it's good to notice our different reactions as time passes. I find that XH can now do/say things and I shrug them off. Much more now I think - well that's his life and that's up to him etc. I'm far less reactive.
Good for you on the moving plans. We may need to pay for an indemnity WRT some work we had done. Looks like it may cost a few '00s, and it's a bit of a pain if the vendor won't pay it. But if you have to and it sorts things, maybe it's best just to fund it?
Looking forward to hearing that you are settled in your new place...a new chapter for you xx
I'm not going to make it. The house is almost empty and we have started to discuss alternate weekend. As I'm writing this I'm crying as I'm so sad. I have list my H, my family unit and my house! What have I done to derserve this? Have I been such a bad wife? Why does it hurt so much? Where did I go wrong in DB that I am not able to save my marriage? H is now the father I always wanted him to be, why hasn't been able to do it when we were together? What am learning from all of this pain? Why is God putting me through this? Why can't I be loved and cherished?
Oh boy! It hurts! Also found out H is going to a friend's wedding with OW, all of our friends are going to be there and accept her. I think moving house is taking its toll on my sanity. I know I'm not a bad person. I know that I was suffering from depression and didn't show H how much he meant to me. I remember him telling me that I will regret my behaviour one day, then I guess it is happening now.
I'd just like someone to give me a hug and tell me that everything and I will be fine. Why can't I see my worth? I could have sank deeper in my depression and taken my life as at the time my life was so unbearable but I didn't. I went to work everyday and kept to my routine. All my colleagues are saying how strong I am and I still manage to do a good job, so why can't I believe that I'm worth much more than I think I am? Why can't H see this?
Rouky I would love nothing more than to hug you. And everything will be fine. This is just a bump in the road and things are going to be much better. God will help you through this. He didn't do this to you, your husband did. I think you are having trouble seeing your worth because you have put so much into your marriage. You put a lot of value on being a great wife and mother and unfortunately your husband is lost in his own world and cannot see it. Like I said on my own post, you need to get yourself out there. Get some social activity going and meet some people. When the time is right you will meet someone special. Just always look your best and focus on the things in life that you love. There is someone looking for you and if when you are open to it he will find you.
I'm not going to make it. The house is almost empty and we have started to discuss alternate weekend. As I'm writing this I'm crying as I'm so sad. I have list my H, my family unit and my house! What have I done to derserve this? Have I been such a bad wife? Why does it hurt so much? Where did I go wrong in DB that I am not able to save my marriage? H is now the father I always wanted him to be, why hasn't been able to do it when we were together? What am learning from all of this pain? Why is God putting me through this? Why can't I be loved and cherished?
Oh Rouky my friend I wish I could give you a hug! Your post has me crying! I feel your pain so much, especially the pain of alternate weekends. I cannot get passed the pain of that thought myself at the moment. You have done nothing to deserve this though. The fault is with your H. He is the fool who cannot see what he had in you. You are worth a thousand of OW. You love honourably and do not take other people's Hs away from them. You do not break up families. Their love began with deceit. You are strong to have already come so far with your head held high and fighting for your M all the way. Sending you the biggest hugs!
Rouky,
Yes, you are going to make it! I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. Honey, your h is the one that broke the marriage vows and went outside the marriage to seek the attention of the ow. You were the strong and caring wife who took care of the home, children and your h's every need. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your h is a broken man and you can't fix him.
You didn't do anything wrong when it came to DBing. You did everything the way you were suppose to but, he made some really bad choices that affected all of you in different and painful ways.
As for your h going to a friend's wedding w/the ow, it shall be an interesting and possibly an uncomfortable situation for the ow. Why? Because people may or may not accept her and yes, they will be wondering what he sees in her, but they will not say a word to your h about his choice. There is no guarantee that they will accept her...some of them may and others will just tolerate her.
As for him telling you that you will regret your behavior one day...please stop thinking about that comment. Don't add more hurt upon yourself. You were depressed and he needed to be there for you as a husband and a friend. If he were the right kind of person, he would have done all he could to be there for you. To say such a thing to someone who has suffered from depression is unthinkable in my books. He certainly didn't have a new battery in his empathy chip.
Rouky, feel the pain. Cry as much as you need to and then release it. You will be fine in a while. In fact, you will be better than fine because I know you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You will become stronger and wiser than you have ever been. You are worthy of someone who will love, cherish and respect you for who you are and your h isn't that person at this time.
I'm sending you hugs and positive thoughts. Please, please take care of yourself.
You keep asking what is wrong with YOU, instead of asking what is wrong with HIM? I mean, he has a history of this behavior, don't forget he walked out on his first child's mother too. (It might be VERY interesting to talk to her and see if he was still involved with her when yo0u and he first met - I know he told you one thing, but he could have been lying. )
He's really not shown himself to be a good reliable man, not just in relationships but also in work etc. So why are you worried about whether YOU measure up? You should be asking yourself why you settled for a guy like HIM.
Thank you very much for all your support Shotgun, Inpain, Job and Kml. I think my problem is the power struggle between my brain and heart. The latter knows that I'm better off without H and I have proved it for the past 14 months but my heart still loves him. Or is it who he was and now I'm trying to hold onto a fantasy version of H ( the one I fell in love with and the one who fell in love with me).
My friend who told me about his affair said that he is the one with the problem due to his track record ( like you pointed out Kml), but she also said that his relationship with OW is more likely to last because they have no young kids together, so she can pay him all the attention he needs!
It's really hard to get out because if I go out in the evening I'm tired the next day, it costs me to pay for a babysitter (H won't babysit), and all the friends of my age are still married and don't want to go out! I have to do school work every evening!
Probably with moving house is playing with my stress levels! Usually H would deal with it but in insight he was getting stressed about it but when it's straight forward it's not that bad.
I just need to have faith in me and my abilities that I can do things! And so far I have, so why do I doubt myself?
Ah Rouky, my heart went out to you reading your earlier post and I'm glad to see that others have posted already and offered kind words & support. It is a stressful time for you and I think you are right - when you are tired and stressed it can all seem overwhelming.
Just know that this too shall pass and you will soon be settled into your new place and a new chapter will open. I understand what you're saying about the heart and head and I'm sure we have all felt that way. For me the heart stuff does seem to have faded on the D being finalised. I now feel much more - ugh, do I still have to liaise with you? I'm looking forward to when that isn't the case - but maybe that's just some anger coming through?
I guess the thing is - these are such significant relationships in our lives, we don't leave them behind easily. However, ultimately we do find our way through. And I think making your most genuine efforts as a LBS are a good investment 'for the other side' - because there is peace in knowing you did what you did. I don't believe the WAS has that and that's a tough road to walk...
Take care and be kind to yourself. You'll get everything done and then you can enjoy a glass of wine in your new place xx
I have exchange contract and I'm ready to go next week. New chapter in my life, not what I wanted although I will be fine.
Step daughter came in today. Didn't see her for ages. She is so intelligent and see her dad for who he is. H is really on another planet as SD told me about an incident her and him had. She simply said that she will make sure that she will never fall in love with a guy like him. He challenged her and she said a cheater. She told me he had a right go at her and said he had done nothing wrong! She isn't stupid and she said that they will have a lot of bridge to rebuild. She asked me few questions and I answered them honestly. She is 16, so she does understand a lot!
She told me that when her mum and H split up, her mum suspected he was having an affair. So to answer your question kml, it's in his genes!
H told SD that it was my fault if he had/ has affair because I didn't supported him when his mum died. I know there are 2 sides to a story, but how could I support him when in Sept my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia and nearly died from septiciema, a month later I gave birth to second child, was bringing up a 19 month toddler and a month later his mum died. H told me he couldn't cope, I told him he needed to see someone and a doctor but he'd always say few minutes later that he was fine! Am I being unreasonable to beat myself because now I feel I didn't support him enough?
Rouky,
Stop beating yourself up! You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your h cheated on you. He had choices and he made the wrong ones. He can't look at himself and admit he's at fault...so he has to point the finger at you to blame you for his cheating. You certainly didn't tell him to go out and have sex w/ow. He will find any and every excuse for his poor choices.
Your h has certainly got issues w/fidelity. This is not the first time he's cheated on a spouse and until he gets his life together and figures out why he does this, he'll never learn and face the consequences of his actions.
Stay tall, head up and know that you have dignity and class. You didn't do anything wrong and trust me...you could have been the perfect wife in every way and he would still have gone out and done what he did. You could have laid the golden egg, he would have found something wrong w/it. Don't allow his comments to get to you. What he's saying is his way of justifying his bad behavior.
As for your SD, she's a smart young lady and already knows what's going on and her father will have a lot of fences to mend w/her if he ever gets his head back on straight.
I love you Rouky. Your husband cheated because he is a cheater. He has low moral standards. He has little self control or actualization. You are a better person than him and he has done you a favor. He could have tried to be a better person but instead chose to be a jerk. Again if you had hung the moon he still would have chosen to destroy your family. God bless you for pouring everything into raising your children as there are so many parents who care nothing about them. Included in this is your husband. You are a good person and need to recognize yourself for the beauty that lies within and without you. Keep your head up girl as this will get better. Having to pick up the pieces of his train wreck is very stressful and one piece of a time you will heal. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and face each challenge as it comes. Also know that you are one of many of us who remained true to our vows and loyal to our family but had a partner with a very different value set. He is not special and his situation is not unique to him. He is a clown and a cheater and will ultimately have to live in his own truth. You are living in yours as you always have and you are the better person for it. Stay busy, get out there, wear something pretty and be strong!
I'm breaking down. I can't do it. Kids have been very hard as they have been saying that they don't want to move.
I have asked my mum to come over but she said she has some appointments and can't come. Still haven't heard from FIL who is supposed to help. I'm moving in 4 days!
My boss is away this week and she has left me in charge of the department (which I know I can do because I hold the fort lasts year too!).
I told H that I didn't need him to move. All he said was it's good as it's going to save him the rent of a van! I know he isn't worthy of me and that I deserve better. I'm not afraid to move house, but this has been forced onto me! H came to see kids ( well he loaded every thing in his van) & he stunk of her perfume!
It's getting all too much for me. I cried/ still cry in front of my kids tonight! I know I should be strong as I packed the whole house by myself. Packed H stuff and put it in the garage. Sold all that was possible and split the profit between him and I! Tonight he had the guts to tell me that he will me his set of keys so I could drop them to estate agent. I just replied no.
I'm not coping very well at all! I feel unworthy, unloved.
Rouky,
You have entirely too much on your plate and you need to break things down into smaller portions. You've got things packed up and ready to go? Now you need to call some of your friends and/or co-workers and ask for assistance in moving. Do you have family in the immediate area? Call them up and once the move is over, have some order in pizza and sodas to show them you appreciate their help. You aren't alone in this...get on that phone and start making some calls. People will help if you ask them, especially in the situation that you are in right now.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! The pity pot is full and you need to get off of it right now. You are worth your weight in gold, but if you continue to feel that you are unworthy and unloved, then people will treat you that way. Think positive. Being positive is like a magnet and it attracts people to you.
Now, sit down, make a list of people to call for help and get moving on it! You can do this.
P.S. As for the children...I do understand that they don't want to move and neither do you...but all of you have no choice because your dimwit h made that choice for all concerned. If they continue to to be difficult, tell them to discuss it w/dimwit since he's the one that created this mess...not YOU!
Hang in there Rouky. I think job is right in advising you to lean on some friends and co-workers for a few days. You would do it for them and I am sure someone will help you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it through this. I feel like you are starting to see your husband for what he is and that is a good thing. I am praying for you and your children and I will always be with you in spirit.
Thank you Job and my darling Shotgun. Had a session with IC today and she said that despite my state of mine, I was still able to realise that I'd need to speak to her before the move.
She added that how emotional I am at the moment is understandable and right. I'm going throw 2 of the most stressful experience in life at the same time ( bereavement and moving house)! We also discussed why it is so hard for me with the move because with it there is no more hope. I fully agree with her conclusion that I find it so hard to let go is because I have in my mind an ideal version of H and unfortunately his actions aren't matching up this idolisation of him.
We have discussed technics to combat negative thoughts but she added that I have to stop to be so harsh on myself and she said the same you told me Job and Shotgun, I could have served him the moon but he'd still have stray!
It was a useful session despite being in tears all the way through!
Hi Rouky, I'm so sad to read how much you are struggling at the moment. As your IC has said, it is more than understandable. o You are under incredible pressure! I feel so hopeless when it comes to giving advice as everyone has already written such wise words. You seem similar to me in that I would rather people offer to help as I feel very awkward asking for help. I hope some of your friends will come forward to support you with the move.
I fully agree with her conclusion that I find it so hard to let go is because I have in my mind an ideal version of H and unfortunately his actions aren't matching up this idolisation of him.
This makes so much sense! I think perhaps we are all doing this!
Thinking of you during this difficult time and hope your move goes smoothly.
This is my last night in marital house and I have mixed feelings. Things don't seem to go right for me. After last week scare about insurance, today I found out that mortgage company won't release the money because I haven't paid a fee ( they had my solicitor request for release of the fund for about a week now!). Got really scared but money should be in.
H turned up for the last two days to pick up his stuff! No time spent with his kids! He said that he'll turn up with someone to help me but no show from that person, so I'm glad I have my own removal company sorted out! It's funny how now it's coming to a closure he doesn't seem that interested in seeing his kids. I guess he has definitively close that door on his kids and wife!
No show from FIL who said he'd help me tonight to dismantle kids' beds, so again I have no expectation to see him tomorrow to help me to move like he promised! He hasn't seem his grandchildren in 7 weeks now, not even a text! My H's family is really unhealthy and doesn't know what family is!
I remember one of my SIL attracting all the attention for my niece's hen do. I guess I fell in love with a narcissist and that it runs in the family.
As I said earlier, mixed feelings because tonight i hate my H for what he did, his lack of remorse and empathy towards us. I'm also realising that he has always been like that but as we say love is blind!
Rouky,
I'm glad you have your own removal company. You can't rely on others. They mean well, but I have discovered that it's best to line up your own help, i.e., a company, to help. People say they will help, but the day that you need them, they either show up late w/apologies or they don't show up at all. People like that no longer are high on my list and quite frankly, the next time that they need help, I suddenly discover I have something else to do when they send out their "SOS" for help. It's a two way street and you can only give so much until you are tired.
As for your h being interested in the children...his priorities are on the move and his life right now. I am hoping and praying that at some point his focus will turn to his children once again. As for the FIL, consider the source. It's their loss if they don't interact w/the children.
There is no harm in "hating" your h right now for what he's done. Use that anger to help you w/the move. You've hard a lot on your plate and you are still dealing w/stuff. Hopefully the mortgage company situation has been resolved and everything goes well for you the next couple of days.
Please take care of yourself.
I'm in new house and all I can say it's a learning curve. Mortgage company refused to release funds yesterday but said it would be done first thing this morning. It didn't happen until way late in afternoon. Basically at one point my solicitor told me that the seller's solicitor had started proceeding against me for breach of contract as I was about to be homeless with two kids! Then the removal company charged me more because of delay!
Then on top of all that car broke down and SIL sent me a nasty text which upset me even more. At one point contacted FIL because I didn't know where I'd be sleeping tonight, got a reply that he didn't come to help because he was told H was doing it!
A lot of tears and stress for me but as I'm about to sleep tonight I feel relieve and also I feel the rope is dropped as now I hate H for putting me through this. I have also found out who my real friends are and I can say that this has been a hard experience but I did it on my own, and to me it shows strength I never thought I had.
Did text H about the possibility to be homeless, still waiting for an answer!
Body and mind are aching, although I'm glad I'm no longer in marital home!
Now here to my future :-)
Sorry it was all so crazy, but glad that you are finally in your home. You are now free to decorate however you want, cook whatever you want, invite over whomever you want!
I know it's a lot to take in right now, and a lot of unwanted change. But I have a feeling things are going to get a lot better from here on out. He's a serial adulterer and probably a narcissist. Plan a fantastic life for you and your kids and don't expect much from him or his family. Make new, better friends if the ones you have don't step up to the plate.
It's going to get better from here. Dream big, pursue your dreams.
Oh Rouky, how awful! As if it wasn't going to be stressful enough without all that added pressure!
So sad that friends and family showed who they really are when you need them most. I hope you and the kids settle in quickly and your new house soon becomes a cozy home where you can shower them with love and build a brighter future. As people keep reminding me, it is your H that is missing out. Missing out on you and your gorgeous children. I find that reminding myself of this helps when I'm really struggling. Well done for getting through moving day! Hugs!
Rouky,
I am so sorry how your move played out today. You are now in your new place and can do whatever you want w/it. I'm sure you'll be happy to be unpacked and I know you'll make it a cozy place w/plenty of cheerful colors to bright things up for you and your children.
It's really a shame that this move cleared the slate, so to speak, and you now know who your true friends are. I'm so sorry that they weren't supportive and there to assist you.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure you'll feel much better. Take your time unpacking and don't over do it!
Rouky, I'm sorry your move was the way it was. Makes a crummy situation crummier when you realize you can't even count on the important people in your life.
But it's all over and now you get to enjoy YOUR space to do as you please. It's tough in the beginning, but it won't be long until you make the space yours. Soon you'll appreciate that all the cabinets and drawers are arranged just for you! It sounds minute, but it was one of the joys I found early on!
I echo was Job says- don't overdo it! Take some time for yourself, just have a break.
Rouky, I'm sorry your move was so stressful - but glad things did work out and you were able to get in my lovely. Do relax and take your time unpacking and enjoy creating the home that will be yours going forwards. You are able to have it just as you want now - I love to be able to do that!
There's a theme in your postings wrt H's family - unreliable.....It's JMHO of course, but just as you have no expectations from your H, you may want to have no expectations of them too. It is best to build up your support network separate to them I think.
I'm coming round later with a bottle of Prosecco and Macarons! Xx
Rouky I am very proud of you. Your courage in the face of so much stress is inspirational and I aspire to have as much grace as you always show. Yours is an amazing story and your having faced it with so much strength and dignity will encourage everyone who has to go through something similar. Hopefully things will get much better for you now and you will begin to see yourself as all of us here do and all of your friends as well; a beautiful, compassionate, loving blessing to all who know you. Give yourself some time to just worry about yourself and put everyone else on the back burner for a few weeks. You deserve it and your children need for you to focus on you for now. They will be fine and will learn from you in all of this. God Bless you and as always I am praying for peace! Mark
Prosecco and macaroons sounds fab, Sotto :-)!
Thank you very much everyone as you all have been my rocks for the last year since I joined here. Didn't sleep much, as I guess it was due to the stress of the move and everything piling up at the same time! Woke up this morning feeling like a weight has been taken of my shoulders, I could even say peaceful :-)!
I love my new house, it's cosy. I know I haven't been in it 48 hours already but I like it. Some friends already came up to see me. I was struggling with boiler and tv and a friend and her H came to help me out! I'm blessed with the new friends I have made. I even met my new neighbours (180 for me as I won't naturally speak to people)! I noticed that news travel fast as got a text from H's next door neighbours (they are common friends), offering me somewhere to stay over the weekend as they got told that I was homeless. Very kind gesture of them but I don't get it why H would tell them! Sent H a text late afternoon to update him on situation only got a text lunch time saying he hoped things have been sorted! Then again he texted later asking at what time he needs to pick up kids! Honestly he could have said that he'd like to pick them up at a certain time! Oh well, I have given up trying to understand him.
I don't think he is MLC, but I do believe that he might be narcissistic KML as you pointed out earlier. H turned up to pick up kids with a huge smearky smile on his face. I didn't speak to him as the kids open the door to him and didn't allow him to come in! I can see a similarity with his ex because now he is acting the same way towards me as he was/ still acting with his ex partner when we were together!
The seller's had a cat so since yesterday all the windows are open and inhaler had become my best friend again ( I badly suffer from allergy to cats!). I have half of the boxes unpacked as I'd like to make it as soon as possible mine. First time today I have been able to listen to love songs on radio without feeling sad! Yeah.
I'm taking my make friend out for a meal tonight as a thank you for his help and support yesterday as he stayed the whole day with me! At one point yesterday he said that removal people tough we were a couple. I gently reinforced to him what I have told him from the beginning that I really appreciate him but as a friend. Other than that I have been on a date a couple of weeks ago, and we have been texting but it's only good morning or goodnight. TBH I'm not fused as after all I have been through the last 15 months, I don't need a man and I have a great support of friends, and now I know that I can rely on them if I need help. That's a filfulling feeling to know that if I have a problem I have a network of support!
Don't know why but I now I'm starting to truly believe that I'm a strong woman and should give myself more credits :-). I also feel that I'm protect from above, just need to have a stronger faith that everything will work out in the end. It certainly has for the house, and that I'll lead a better life and that at some point H will face the consequences of his actions, but now I also now that when the time comes I'll be gone.
Like you said Inpain, although I don't feel gorgeous I truly now feel happy in my own skin and I can say that for the first time in 40 years I love myself! This crazy move has bed the real click I needed to realise my self worse! At times I think God is putting me through hard time to challenge my negative thoughts about me!
Thank you reading me and sorry for the long post. Have a lovely weekend everyone. God bless you all
I am very happy to read that you are feeling better today and that some friends have already come over and offered their assistance. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes people are hesitant to offer and would prefer to be asked.
After all that you have been thru, I think you sound wonderful.
Glad you've had a better day today Rouky - that must be a relief after such a trying time - and good for you getting to the other side of it. Peace often lies there I find.
Great that you are enjoying your new home - the first of many happy days there for you.
Enjoy settling in and great that you're getting to know the neighbours. It makes a big difference to know who lives right around you I think and once you've broken the ice you're half way there.
Take care xxx
Wow Rouky - AMAZING job getting through everything!
You mentioned hating your h right now. I think in this process, we all learn the fine art of hating someone in a cordial fashion. The key, for me, has how do I come out of this healthier (physically, emotionally and spiritually). Whatever happens in my situation, if I ever told people the whole story, I would want them to say: but you seem so happy and healthy?
2X2Many posted something like the following recently and I find it to be great advice: the best revenge is to lead a great, joyful life.
Keep going! We are all cheering you on . . .
Very proud of you Rouky. You are strong and you are beautiful and you will be OK. The new house is your accomplishment in spite of your ex. Make it home to you and your girls and be sure to have a house warming party!
I'm settling well in my house (such a nice feeling to say that it's mine). I feel refreshed as if I had left the drama behind with the old house. The last couple of days I have found myself back at work ( Rouky York before kids, really focused, efficient and enjoying work)!
A change of environment was what I needed. For the last 2 days H has hardly been present in my mind! I have unpacked two third of my stuff and I'm proud of it. Few friends popped round, they all loved the house and said I had done well and that they have a good feeling about this house! So do I!
Kids are a bit grumpier as we live a bit further afield , they done like early wake up call. Got a text from one SIL wishing me happiness and love in new house. I replied thanking her. H was strange on Monday. He dropped a screw at new house while kids and I were at a nearby park, but what I found funny is that he had to drive and see where the kids and I were, just for him to tell me that he dropped the screw)!It did make me smile as for me he'd dropped the thing through letter box and I would have seen it once back at home, so really I felt there was no need for him to find me and telling me!
I have stopped texting a guy as I feel I can't be bothered with it and I'm realising I don't need a man! Other than that and being shattered, I feel content and now is the time for me to rebuild myself :-)
You sound great! I'm glad to read that you are unpacking and settling in okay. The kids will get use to an earlier wake up call as time moves along.
Enjoy your new home and the freedom it brings w/it.
So lovely to read all the positives in your post Rouky! You deserve some peace and happiness at last. Agree that H's behavious was strange re the screw. We will never understand what is going on in their heads!
I might sound like a bad mother, but kids spent their first night during the week with their dad and I had a good evening. I got on with more unpacking and wasn't stressed to get kids in bed! Though I didn't sleep that well as I guess I was missing them.
Tomorrow will my first week in my house and I feel stronger by the day. Still think from time to time about my situation, but I have got to admit that no longer being in marital home is such a relief!
H gave me his holidays date and I have to admit it hurt me as we had said that the first thing we will do when the house is sold is go on a family vacation. Now I understand what he has felt when I was going to see my parents! But this doesn't excuse what he did, and I needed/ need to see my family too!
In a way I'm laughing because I know that it's finally over between us and that we will never R, but H said that he'd file for divorce as soon as house is sold, but instead he is going on holidays! It has been 16 months since we have been separated, now I feel I'm divorced and I have to put up with H because of the kids! I don't pray anymore for R or saving my M, I'm praying to carry on becoming a better me, to a better life for my kids and me.
Today I got told by a colleague how amazing she thinks I am because she said that I only took 2 days off work in the last 16 months ( break up, dad's heart surgery, mum's breast ablation and moving house all on my own!), and it was the first time I truly believe this compliment. I'm realising I'm stronger than I think I am and that was/ is only my mind that makes me doubt myself when the evidence are pointing in the other direction.
I also have faith in God and I genuinely believe that everything will work out in the end.
H really knows how to bring the worst out of me! He turned up late to pick up kids on Friday and dropped them early today! I guess he was in a rush to see OW! It was good that I didn't go out as I planned as I'd not have been in for the kids!
He is behaving towards me the same way as he was/ is with his ex! I have to stop thinking and wishing for us to R! I thought that he'd change as it's his second time round that he has to deal with the mother of his children! I guess he'll never learn and I guess I have to move on and forget that we will ever go back together!
Why am I kidding myself?
Sorry your H is still making things as difficult for you as he can. I don't understand people any more, why should he. Complicate things more, why not try to co-parent as well as possible under the circumstances? I'm sending you strength and patience. An make sure you take care of yourself!
H texted me last night to tell me about his friend's father death! I really don't understand it, I thanked him for letting me know and asked him if there anything he'd like me to do, but no reply! Why would he text me about it, if we are no longer a couple?
I only replied as I would normally would for a friend. I thought being in my own house would be simple and easier but obviously not. Didn't have the kids last weekend and I really missed them. Still can believe that my family unit has exploded! Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn't meant to be with H, better things will come my way! Honestly I can't see it! Probably I'm like that because I'm tired ( I suffer from hay ever and lately it has been horrendous!)
Just had an interesting conversation with IC as the last week has been a bit rocky for me. Couldn't or wouldn't want H out of my head? I was surprised when she told me I was amazing, I know she is right as the last 16 months have seen their share of bad things, but I find it hard to believe in me. IC said that it will take a bit longer to get rid of all the negativity about myself that have been fed to me since childhood and reinforced by H! Basically I said that what I'm trying to do (believe I my worth and that I deserve the best), then she corrected by saying that what you are doing! I really needed that! I know I'm amazing but I just need to believe it.
When I met H I became friend with his boyfriends' girlfriends and despite what happened I'm still in touch with them and invited to birthdays, christening etc.., and my IC said that it says a lot about how people see me. She added that usually during a split people tend to side with the person they knew first, but in my case I'm still included. One of my good friend was also a wife from this group and her XH also cheated on her and is about to get married to OW, but unlike me she has been completely sided by the rest of group unlike me. So IC reinforced that those people valued me enough to still include me in their activities if I was to compare my situation with my friend. I have to admit that did boost my confidence as I felt appreciated!
IC even commented that if I don't see it/ feel it that I'm getting better, she can se it because of my body language and my facial expression. She reckons that I'm getting more confident.
All in all it was a good session, just need to believe what people are telling me about me!
IC said that it will take a bit longer to get rid of all the negativity about myself that have been fed to me since childhood
that is the most difficult thing I have ever had to tackle...and i am not there yet,
I am so glad for your progress and i think it is awesome that your C acknowledges it...as do you!
continue to be a shining light for yourself and we can enjoy it with you!!!
Wow, I'm very humble to get a post from you Zephyr as I have been following you but never dared to write on your post😬.
Thank you for your support. I know that I'm very lucky to have found everyone here and yes I came here in the hope to save my marriage, but as it has been said before, it's more about saving myself and it's a work in progress as I can slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel😀
Hi Rouky, I'm glad you had a useful session with your IC. I think this whole area is really important. I realise now that I wasn't in a great place (in terms of self-belief, self-esteem and groundedness) when I met XH. When the trauma and 'primal rejection" (thanks Raliced
) of BD happens, we get whittled down to a raw core and need to start rebuilding from there.
I do feel that I have grown since two years ago. At that point, my life was more fear driven, with me trying to control outcomes. I relied too much on the good opinion of others and lived with a subtly toxic feeling that I wasn't really enough and that others had some kind of 'secret formula' that I had missed out on. My life was generally 'together' but this stuff is subtle and pervasive I think.
One book that I've found particularly helpful has been Brene Brown's Daring Greatly - with a key message of - right here and right now I am enough (and I always was). I also found Codependent No More helpful and I often now ask myself - what do I need to do to look after myself in this situation? And also - does this work for me?
All of this is a work in progress for me - but I do feel that to grow in these areas is a gift indeed. If I'm able to live a life that is less fear-driven, more authentic, grounded, meaningful - these are gifts indeed whether I'm single or in another R...
Sounds like you are on a good track with this.....xxx
hi Rouky, i have kept up with your situation since you have gotten here.
I am sorry that ive not posted to your thread soonwr. I am a bit of a scatter brain, in that i cannot follow that many situations at once and be able to consistently be present consistently.
I love all what sotto wrote to you, it mirrors where many of us are at in our journeys...she just says it it better than most can!
I hope you have a great day.
Thank you Sotto for the books' title, I'll order them. I was like you Sotto when I met H I wasn't confident and having this handsome man paying me attention was very flattering! I'm not so sure that he is like that now!
H is starting to show who he really is with kids as he again turned very late to pick them up! Normally I'd have challenged him but as the kids were asking me why their dad was late, I realised that I don't have to say a thing as they are realising by themselves who he truly is! Gosh he really looked fat today with his bold head! There is definitively no physical attraction left! What I find hard is the betrayal, I understand and have accepted that he doesn't love me, but it's very soar that he stayed with me for 2 years before I kicked him out and I truly believed that we would still be together today if I hadn't found out! All this makes me think about the fact that I must not have been such a bad wife if he stayed! He could have walked out like he did with his first daughter!
I know I have to stop focusing on him. As I see him so regularly I find it hard to truly detach! I no longer go at the door when he comes to pick up kids. I let the kids open the door and off they go with him. I'd be so much simpler for me if I didn't have any contact with him! If he was out of my life for good!
Hurt is a what I'm feeling now. A mutual friend asked me if H has moved in with OW, because she has been posting on FB pictures of H's new house and comments like she is feeling excited to start a new chapter of her life with my H!
How can someone be so cruel and not think about what I might feel! How can H let her do that? How come nobody say nothing to them that what they are doing is wring? Why can't I switch my feelings like he did with? Why won't he let me go? OW is talking about a future with my H, but he hasn't introduced the girls to her (they have been together now for more than 3 years), and he still hasn't filed!
Why do I feel so low? Why can't he love me? Why does he deserve to be happy and not me?
Rouky,
I'm so sorry that your friend was insensitive. You need to advise her that you do not wish to know anything about what he is doing.
Rouky, you have to let him go. He's going to do whatever he needs to do to feel better about himself. The ow is nothing more than a band aid to stroke his ego at the moment. I hate to be harsh, but he's not thinking about you, your feelings or what you are doing w/your life right now. You don't know if people have said anything to him about his behavior, but I would venture to guess that they aren't going to get involved in the mess he's created. They are going to be interested by standers who will watch how this plays out. Some are going to enjoy being in his company for the time being because he's fun and doing things that would not normally be something he would do.
As for the OW, she's going to brag about what she's got right now...a sugar daddy. Someone that is giving her the world at this time. If I were her, I would be questioning why the girls haven't been introduced to her as well as why he hasn't filed...but she's not thinking that way at the moment. Also, posting on FB is one way to spread the word about what they are doing and hoping it's getting back to you. It's working.
Please do not allow them to bring you down. FB, to me, is not cracked up to be the best source of info. Some people use it to communicate w/others and then there are those who love to brag about what they have, where they've been and what they are doing. Others use it to convince the readers that they have this wonderful and happy life...
You need to stop allowing them to dictate how you feel. You are a classy woman who needs to let him go and continue moving on w/your life. The world is out there waiting for you to explore it and enjoy the life you currently have. Sure, you would love to have him by your side...but it's not going to happen any time soon. So, while he's off making a possible fool of himself...take this time to rediscover Rouky. You can do this. Get off the pity pot and start making a list of things that you would like to try. It's time to explore the world and do things for you...you are the prize and you are number one in the world!
Thank Job. I know you are right and there is a life out there. Even my sibling told me so. I'm really struggling about letting him go. How do I do this?
Rouky,
You are still grieving over the death of your marriage and relationship w/your h. It takes time. Each person will go through the grieving process in their own way and on their own time table. If it will help, put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each and every time you think of your xh. I guarantee you that you'll soon find other things to think about.
I found one of the things that helped me was to join a support group and I started going to the library and participating in some of their workshops. These things gave me something else to think about and pretty soon, I was busy, enjoyed myself and made some new friends.
The other thing that I did was advise all of my friends and relatives that I did not want to hear or see things from FB about my xh. When they would start, I would excuse myself and leave the room for a minute and return and then I would change the subject. It wasn't long before they got the message.
Be kind to yourself and please stop putting yourself down. It's your h that has the issues and yes, he's a broken man and you can't fix him.
I'm sending you hugs and support Rouky. I don't know how to let go, I'm still trying to detach with very little success. I put it down to being too stubborn, but being here helps me.
I agree with job, you should let your friends and family know that at this point news of H's happiness are not what you need to hear..
Best of luck! It is s hard, but you can do it!
Thanks Esame,
I don't understand why I'm like that as I know H doesn't change his mind and once he has decided that he is out, he is! If I look back I wasn't happy in my relationship but I have been brought up as a Catholic and you take your vows seriously!
I think the best thing for me is to go dark as much as I can with kids as otherwise I'm not going to get out of this. It's funny how my siblings are very strong minded and can deal with everything, whereas I'm not like that! I think stress at work and being tired doesn't help either!
Please start a new thread.
New thread:
Not so lost now take 2