This is my first post on DR site although I've been reading and relying on it for almost a year.
My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he left last summer saying he wasn't happy. I believe he was in crisis for six months prior to that.
He works in DC and was commuting home, we have a place here in Chicago where we were both born and raised as were our 3 daughters. I was spending as much time as possible in DC.
Living separate was his excuse for wanting a change but it was years of job changes, disappointments and relocations that caught up with us.
And paying for colleges for our children. EA was discoverd in July, he filed for divorce in August. OW was discovered in August, turns out she lives in Seattle where we had lived for 3 years prior to DC, he met her online.
Apparently he wants to moves back to Seattle ( his company let him go so he and his pride ran away) and she is part of the puzzle he is trying to piece together.
She's been divorced twice, not attractive at all and seems unintelligent. Not sure of the attraction.
Fast forward to Jan when he dropped the divore suit and starting reaching out more. Not much but a noticeable difference. He came home in mid April for a memorial and we spent the weekend together, no intimacy just hugs and kisses and he told me he loved me.
We spent last weekend together as well ( both times we stayed in separate rooms) and again he seemed very normal and very much like my husband except a better version.
We golfed, had dinners together and hung out with family. He hugged me at one point and said 'we're ok' not sure what that means since I've heard very little from him this week.
Two text messages regarding a sick friend.
So, is he reconnecting? OW seems to be gone although I don't know for sure.
He was spending a lot of time on Facebook late night which he's no longer doing. So crazy, I know.
I'm 53 and dealing with teenage stuff!!
Thanks for listening-
C
I am hoping to get some feedback about re connection. Do they disappear after making progress? How should my behavior be at this time? Should I go dark or keep in contact? He always responds and seems genuinely happy to hear from, but again no clue what's going on. No mention of divorce in months but no mention of reconciliation either. Just a noticeable difference in his bevavior towards me.
IMO, reconnecting is not a fast process when there has been a third party involved. Based on just your first post, it does sound as if he could be in MLC. If that is the case, then it may be quite a while before he levels out and knows for certain what he wants.
It seems that he is responding to short periods of time together, and it may have a lot to do with OW being absent. If I were in your shoes, I would not rush him to move back home. Whose idea was it to go to MC? What has been his attitude during counseling sessions? Has he shown remorse for his betrayal?
Again, it's JMHO, but the MC should be focusing on helping you heal after his affair, instead of pushing to get him to move home. You need to have most of the issues resolved before trying to live together, or it will be too stressful for him and he will flee again. It is not easy to stay under one roof when wounds have not healed. I would continue taking it slowly and see how he progresses. When you are having doubts about him moving back home, it could be for a reason.
When he has come through his crisis, and he's ready to reconnect, I believe he will put forth the effort to show you that is his greatest desire. However, if he seems to hold out, have doubts, or questions.......he's not completely ready. He may need more time to get there. Don't push him or apply emotional pressure.
Sis,
It doesn't sound like your h is completely out of the woods yet. They do tend to distance themselves from the spouse if they've gotten too close for their own comfort. As for the ow, the jury is still out on that one. They could have had a disagreement, therefore he was being a bit more friendlier to you, etc.
Do what works and if you aren't sure what to do, then sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap. What should your behavior be at this time? Why, just be yourself. If you are friendly towards him, continue to be that way. Treat him as you would a neighbor who comes calling for a cup a of sugar. Keep your expectations at zero or one and don't expect him to do things that he normally would have done pre-ow.
He's truly not thinking about a divorce at the moment, but I you begin to question/challenge him about what's going on or have relationship discussions, the word "divorce" will crop up again. He's content w/the way things are for now. I would suggest that you continue to observe his behavior and truly listen to what he has to say because they do tend to tell on themselves...but you have to listen and sift through the words to get the answers.
Reconnection? I don't think so. I think he's just a very slow one that is taking his time in figuring things out for himself. At least that's what I am getting from your first posting. You'll have to share a bit more of what's going on in order for us to provide additional and/or better advice.
For now, keep the focus on you as much as you can and continue as you have been...because something you are doing is working if he's not screaming for a divorce.
Sis Online
New Member
Registered: 11/25/14
Posts: 8
Loc: Chicago
Thank you all for your feedback. I sat back, did nothing and he reached out to me this evening. Just texting for a bit, he sent a funny pic that reminded him of something I did. Sure feels nice when you wait and let them contact you. This has been the pattern with him for the last couple of months. Time will tell. We are not in MC, individual conuseling and I credit his therapist ( an older woman who is anti divorce ) for helping him see clearly on that. I don't have to worry about him moving home and leaving again since he works and lives in DC. If things progress I would be spending time there. We were bouncing back between two homes.
Now I'm going to figure out how to move my thread over to the MLC forum
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539710#Post2539710Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sis,
Welcome to the MLC forum or the Fun House. Take your pick.
You'll probably be greeted by the MLCville Mayor, Job, soon.
Bringing over your original thread here:
Is this reconnection?
I've been reading and learning so much from this site. Things are much clearer when you read real stories and I so appreciate everyone's honesty and sharing. I am at the 11th month mark since BD but believe he's been in crisis for much longer. Hence my confusion on reconnection and touch and go. It seems too soon but thinking back over the last 2 1/2 years, I'm sure it started during the summer of 2012.
So because we live 800 miles apart it's been difficult to gauge progress but also makes it easier for me to focus on myself. We have spent two weekends together in the last 5 weeks and have really enjoyed each other's company. His words, my thoughts. I pulled back on contact after our last time together and it worked! He contacted me. I do think that his relationship with OW has just recently ended although he seemed to be pulling away from her in January when he dropped the divorce suit. He's been playing his cards slow and steady. And I have maintained kindness, love and respect. I took my husband for granted and accept my role in all this. Although I also believe he's been melting down for most of our marriage due to a very dysfunctional childhood. He seems to have made peace with his dictator father who was a controlling doctor. My MIL stood by her man and was extremely critical to her children, especially my H who was the oldest son. He's been in therapy throughtout this last year and I truly believe she's helped him emmensely. I'm nervous and a bit anxious to see what comes next and pray for patience daily. He'll be home again in 3 weeks for a cousin's wedding that I've yet to be invited to. So I'd be lying if I said things like that don't sting, I just wonder what he'll tell people when they ask where I am? Hopefully not that we're getting a divorce. This is one crazy wild ride.
Sis
Sis,
They have moments of clarity and that's when they reach out to us. Yes, they even act like the people we actually knew pre-crisis. In many ways, he's touching base w/you to see if you are right where he left you. Yep, just like a toddler checks to see if mom is there if he/she should fall while learning to stand or take the first step.
I have some questions for you.
1. Did something happen approximately 18-24 months prior to him dropping the bomb on you (wanting to be alone, etc.)? Was there a death in the family, empty nester, lost a job, promotion, heath issues, etc?
2. Did he disconnect from his old friends and family?
3. New hobbies/interests?
4. Is he a workaholic or more of a party man while in crisis?
5. Does he still talk about needing his time alone?
6. Has reconnected w/old friends and family?
One of the reasons that he may be reaching out to you is because you are not in the area and applying pressure on him to be the man that you knew as well as the fact that you are not a day-to-day reminder to him of his past. Since you aren't pursuing him all of the time, he feels that it is safe to touch base w/you because you aren't going to question him on everything he says or does. In other words, you are not applying pressure to him to straighten up and come home. You aren't asking questions about the ow, the relationship or a divorce. You are allowing him time and space to figure himself out. He needs this time and space very much.
You've one a good job of letting him go and yet you have maintained kindness, love and respect. You've shown him unconditional love and yes, you've been his lighthouse in the storm. I would suggest that you continue as you have been a it has been working for you.
If you have not read these two threads, I would suggest you do. I think they will help you better understand what is going on w/your h, as well as describe reconnection.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484751#Post2484751
Wonderful message to wake up to, thank you so much.
1. What happened in March of 2012 was an evaluation at work that was less than adequate. He had taken a leap of faith and took a job in Seattle away from family and friends ( he and I were commuting between Chicago since we still had one in high school) I eventually moved out there to be with him. We were happy, life was good. After the evaluation he impulsively quit the job and relocated to a small town in VA. A good job with a good salary but I didn't follow him. I was disappointed at yet another job change and since the girls were post college, I moved back to Chicago where he bought us a home. We were living as husband and wife up until June 2014. The double rejection seem to be the start of his crisis. I have apologized and acknowledged not making him a priority but I do believe he has ADHD often making a lot of impulsive decisions.
2.Yes he disconnected from family and old friends
3.Hobbies are the same, biking and hiking and brewing beer
4. He seems to be a workaholic during his crisis
5. Doesn't talk about needing time alone but states that he's never put himself first and it's time
6. Has just recently ( 3 months) started to reconnect with our girls, his family and old friends in a genuine, sincere way.
I woke up today feeling like a bit of a door mat, it's hard to maintain patience like this so I truly appreciate your message.
Thanks again
Sis
How can I find the older profiles from the posts you mention in the link on reconnection?
Holidays are the hardest, even when it's not a big one. My H continues to contact me, not often but is definitely the initiator. He has been kind and curious as to what I'm doing. I went to a playoff hockey game last night and he checked in this morning as well as last week when something reminded him of me. I've kept my answers short and sweet and actually was delayed in responding this morning since I was on the tennis court for 2 hours. He's coming home in 3 weeks for a family wedding that I hoped to be invited to but I truly think It's too much too soon. We've had 2 memorials in the last month and were 'thrown' together. Even though I believe he was starting to reconnect before these events, he's moving at a speed that is comfortable to him. I think??
Sis
Sis,
Sadly, you won't be able to locate the older profiles that I mentioned in the thread because the board has purged the MLC Forum, as well as others in the last year or so. That thread was created in the early 2000's. The data is still accurate otherwise when it comes to reconnections.
Holidays, anniversaries and special events are the hardest, especially the first year. It's good that he contacts you and yes, he's curious about what you are doing. He wants to ensure that you are right where he left you. Try to delay responding to some of his tests and/or phone calls. Don't always be readily available. His curiosity is high and you want to keep it that way.
Time will tell as to what is actually on his mind. He's moving at his pace and his clock is on slow mode. Always try to keep your expectations near zero because you don't want to get your hopes up and then have him say or do something that you weren't "expecting".
Continue to keep the focus on you.
Thank you, is there a way to locate a certain profile? I was given a list of profile named and told they had successfully stories and I'm not sure how to search for them
The way that I locate someone is to go to the top of this forum and look for the word Search (in red) between Active Topics and FAQ. Click on the word Search and type in the profile name and you can go from there. Try it and see if it works for you.
How to find a user on DB
Go up to
MY STUFF
Click on Watch List
Click on Watched Users
Click on Edit Watched Users
Click on Add a user to list
Type in user - "Never Give UP"
Select her as a watched user.
Click on her name
Click on show all posts.
Click on Topics
__________________________________________________________________
How to find your thread
Try clicking on YOUR NAME
SHOW POSTS
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
or
My Stuff
Posts
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
I have question for anyone regarding anniversaries, birthdays etc., our 30th wedding anniversary is in one week, June 1st. My H dropped the bomb on June 2nd last year although I believe he was in crisis almost 2 years prior to that. Do I send a card, call or wait for him to say or do something. We've never made a huge deal about it so I'm ok playing it down. Again, he's been reaching out more in the last 3 weeks than he has all year and there seems to be a shift in the dynamics. We have spent 2 weekends together this last month and both visits went really well.
Thanks,
Sis
If you are the type of person that gives cards, then purchase a general one, nothing too sentimental and/or mushy and have it ready to give to him...but no expectations that he'll give you one in return. If he does give you something, be sure to thank him.
Keep it very simple so that it is not perceived as pursuing or putting pressure on him.
I am a card giver and my thoughts were exactly what you suggested. I have no expectations and won't be disappointed if I don't receive one I return.
Thank you, you have truly been a God send. I have felt more stressed lately than I have in the last few months and I attribute it to his change in behavior. It's amazing when you hope for change and start to see small signs how it freaks you out!
I mailed an anniversary card to my husband, spent 20 minutes looking for the 'perfect' card. There should be a section for midlife crisis spouses! Our middle D (27) is visiting him in DC for the weekend and I am happy about that. He seems to enjoy his time with the girls amd me, it's just that the visits are far and few. He was reaching out every 3 days or so for the last few weeks but again has pulled back. My responses have been kind and without pressure, no R talks at all. I really don't know the status of his relationship with OW but since she lives 2400 miles away I know it's an EA at this point since has not taken a trip there in 4 months. Always confusing but I do feel stronger everyday. Moments of pain but not too deep and not for very long. Rainy day here, just needed to vent
Sis- you are doing great! Having a safe place to work through things really helps. Glad you are here.
Thanks you Gwen, ironically i was reading some of your posts before I realized you had responded to mine. I am trying to find some of your more recents posts so I can see how things are for you. Timeline is spot on with mine and husband lives 800 miles away. He had taken a job in Seattle 7 years ago from Chicago and I truly believe he's been running ever since! I joined him out there in 2010 after our youngest went to college and we were happy out there for about 2.5 years when he decided he was going to quit that job and take one in VA. It was fueled by a negative review at work. Any case, how is your situation these days?
I'm hoping to get some guidance on how to handle spending time with my MLC husband this weekend. He's due in town for a family wedding, has been really reaching out to our daughters more than usual and keeps asking them how I am. I felt a few weeks ago that there was movement on his part and then he recoiled. I went NC after our 1 year BD because I told myself that was the timeframe I'd work with on moving forward. It really seems like we are transitioning at the same time, me detaching more than ever and feeling really good about things and him checking in, sending messages and being curious about me. Also planned a family dinner for Sunday night at a nice restaurant in the city. I haven't been getting much feedback 😟 so would love to hear from anyone on this matter.
Sis,
When spending time w/your h this weekend, treat him as you would a friend, nothing more. Remain calm and collected, smile often and hold your head up high. Try to relax and enjoy the festivities as best you can. Keep your expectations at zero or close to zero.
They always tend to get a little bit close and then recoil. They don't want to feel and/or think about what they had because right now, they think we are cause of all of their unhappiness. He'll flutter closer to the candle (you) just like a moth and then flutter away again. In some ways, he's checking to see if you are right where he left you.
BTW, they do tend to get curious and will ask others about you, this is very normal behavior.
One more thing...get a nice dress and be the hottest woman there besides the bride.
Stay the course and keep the focus on you.
Well, I reached my limit on Tuesday evening and lost my sh*t. My husband was on a legit business trip to Vegas and I received an email fraudulent alert from Chase Bank (we share an account but I have NEVER received an email regarding his activity before) someone was watching over me... the email stated there was suspicious activity on his card. Apparently he took a "detour" on his way to Vegas and went to Seattle where OW lives, he stayed for 2 days. When I called to tell him about his card he said "took a detour" I responded that I was ready to file for divorce. Sounds a bit extreme but I had given myself a year to see if there was any movement from him and June 2nd was the year mark. Although I was just starting to see some movement he's still very much in replay. I know myself and the more damage that is done the harder it will be to forgive him so I feel as though cutting ties is the best idea.
Where I really went wrong was texting the OW and given her and earful. I told her he tells me he still loves me, still kissing and hugging, not to mention dinners, drinks, golf, church etc., I shamed her and told her he was still my husband and that he was in crisis. She lied and said he wasn't there and I told her I had just spoken to him and knew he had been there. She tried to get ugly with me but I cut her off. I don't have regrets or feel ashamed. I'm not worried about him running closer to her and I actually feel good about letting her know that if he's lying to me and our kids than he's lying to her too.
I spoke to him today about money for filing and he sounds very sad and unready, didn't get into detail but told him we could talk about how to proceed this weekend. I'm not backing down, I am very angry ( for the first time all year)!! and don't feel that I have much to lose. I've already lost him...
Sis,
You really need to calm down! I think you're reacting very angrily because your pride was badly wounded with the confirmation that H spent some days with the OW. It is understandable that you're feeling this way, but getting all riled up and acting impulsively by texting the OW isn't helping matters at all.
Find a way to center yourself and impose the 24-our rule when you feel emotions bubbling up on the surface. A lot of the times, the next day you feel differently. The problem with those reactionary actions is that you cannot undo them. Don't stoop to OW's level. You are miles and miles BETTER than she ever will be.
Your H is a very lost man who has lost his way...hence MLC. It will take a looong time for him to burn through the replay phase. You're going have to dig deeeeep for patience.
Tomorrow is another day.
I know I do need to calm down and I needed someone to tell me that, thanks Wonka. Good news is I haven't reached out to OW in the past, for what's it's worth. Not too much of a lunatic...
Hello Sis,
I am sorry for the situation you are in.
It's not too late to do some damage control after reaching out to the OW and telling your husband that you are filing for divorce.
Please call me to discuss how we can help 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I'm not sure I want to do any damage control. My husband initiated a divorce last summer only to drop it when he realized we needed to live sep and apart for a year. It's been hanging over my head throughtout this last year and frankly I find that unsettling and cruel. The law is better in my state so that was my plan. Wait a year, and if things were still going on w the OW then I would file so I don't end up divorced in a random state where the law doesn't work in my favor. As far as reaching out to her, no way to take that back but I maintained the high road. She sounded uneducated and rude. I do wish I had waited a few hours and calmed down a bit. Lesson learned!! Thank you and I will keep the number close
Sis,
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you. You are the only one that can determine what is right for you.
My H cancelled his trip home, he said everyone is mad at him and he couldn't handle that. He also revealed to our oldest D29 that his 'friend' OW recently told him she wants nothing to do with him until he is divorced and moves back to WA where she lives. Apparently my text messages were 'crazy and evil' which they weren't. I just revealed his lies and his relationship with me ( kissing, hugging, hand holding, go,ring, church etc.,)didn't settle well with her. I feel as though she's given him an indirect ultimatum and it will be interesting to see what path he chooses. I'm prepared to move on and it's basically why I took the chance on sending a message to her. I felt that if I lose him for good as a result then so be it. I'm running out of steam with his crisis. Can't handle all the lies anymore
Sis
Well, it probably reflects that he was lying to the OW all along....probably the usual lies about how "the marriage has been dead for years", "we don't have sex" etc etc etc. Many OW are evil and insensitive, but some simply aren't given all the facts.
H reached out to my sisters. Apparently he's going on a 2 weeks bike tour of the East Coast and wants to stop in and say hi (Ct and Boston) and 'crash' for the night.
He implied to my BIL that he had a trip planned out west that was cancelled, OW said not to come back until he's divorce. I find it very strange that he would want to spend time with my sisters and their families with everything going on. They don't know how to handle it!
I also filed for divorce this week in order to prevent him from filing in the state where he works and now lives. He was talking about refiling as soon as we reached our year mark of living separate and apart. So even in my sadness and his madness, I've gained a little bit of control. Will see how he seems after his 'pilgrimage'. I will most likely serve him shortly after that.