Hi all - Back with a new chapter so a new thread.
Previous threads:
Help I want my sparkle back
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516590&page=1The book of Lou - Chapter 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548148&page=1Chapter 3 begins:
All went smoothly with the flights. I spent two nights with a girlfriend and then S18 picked me up and we travelled back to where he lives.
S18 spent Wednesday with his dad as he was in the area for a funeral. It was the funeral of a young lad 26 who h had mentored at his last branch of the company he works for; he crashed his car and died from injuries.
H also spoke to S18 about what s21 had said about ow, h admitted to s18 that she is not a keeper; that he rushed into moving her in, it was because both of them were struggling financially so it made sense. He said that he has really messed up and that he is not sure what he wants anymore.
Yesterday h contacted s18 about a car s18 wanted to buy, asking what he was going to do with his current car – s18 replied that “m is going to use it” – within minutes h rang s18 and asked him if I was back in nz. I was in the room at the time so s18 told h I was with him and h asked if I would speak to him.
He was shocked I was back, asked why, so I said that the boys contacted me and needed me back so I came. He then got chatty about the boys, we reminisced about being their age and how we were, then we talked about the funeral and h got chocked up, spoke about the boy and how it could easily happen to our boys. He spoke about the problems he has been having with them, and asked if I knew what had been going on- to which I replied I did; that he has handled it badly and his fear of losing his sx2 was becoming a real possibility, that they felt he was putting ow and her kids before them and that he was turning into the one person he always said he never would– his dad (who walked out on his m for someone else, started a new family with ow and stopped communication with h and his brother). He agreed with what I said, tried to say he never meant it to come across like that to them, that he has told ow that his children come first and he thought that was the case, but obviously our sx2 see it quite differently. He said his life is a mess at the moment and he needs to sort it out – he talked about applying for another job but it’s a big wage drop, so I asked if it was where he is currently living or is he looking further afield – he replied that it is where he currently lives as ow can’t move because of the kids and her family, job etc, but that he needed to sort out what he wants to do about her and then he can decide on whether he will move or not.
He sounded relieved that I was back, to take on role of parent again – he hopes that having me back will sort them both out ….like I am wonder woman …well, I am WW but that’s not the point !
So it sounds like he is regretting his decision to move ow in, that going out with her in the first place was a bit quick and he has messed up big time.
I listened to him, I answered his questions, I did not tell him what I have been doing with my life, what my plans are or talk about us (other than when he started reminiscing). I hope I did ok, I probably let the call go on too long, but he seemed to want to talk, so I let him.
I have not read anything into this, he sounds messed up in the head and only he can sort it out. I am still carrying on with all my plans – job, car, home. Travel and buying a VW camper is still on the wish list. Nothing includes him as nothing has changed. He knows I am back – how will this affect him; only he knows. How it affects me - its onwards and forwards on my wibbly wobbly journey.
Today s18 and I viewed a flat this morning and we loved it, the owners did reference checks and within a coupe of hrs of viewing it I was signing on the dotted line
we move in on Friday. Today we are also going to do all his laundry and get his place cleaned up to hand back tomorrow. Now the job hunt begins - although when I booked us in to a motel for the week the lady offered me some cleaning work for tomorrow which I jumped at, its a start. So life looking up for me yeay
I am missing all my UK peeps, it was my home no2 so leaving everyone who has been so kind and supportive, allowing me to heal, making me laugh, letting me cry; they are my angels and I miss them all.
So far so good. First hurdle – h finding out I am back …tick (to be honest I really did not think he would care at all that I am back). Second hurdle - finding me and s18 a home ..tick. Next is a job ....
Let the next adventure begin ……..
You're on a roll!! I hope some fabulous job falls into your lap.
Good for you Lou. You are my inspiration. I see your positive side and it is beautiful.
SOOOO Proud of YOU!
Congratulations! May your new life be filled with love, hope, and happiness. How exciting!!
It'll all work out for the good....BELIEVE IT!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
You are doing so well - MLCers, as you know, bounce all over the place with their emotions.
It is a big plus that you can talk to yours. You did well in llistening.
Hope you get the job you deserve - I am sure you are an ace cleaner, but running the country or settling teh Mid East peace process sounds more like your scope.
Lou,
I'm glad you arrived safely. You did exceptionally well in having a conversation w/your h. He is all over the place and doesn't know which end is up. Hopefully he will figure out a way to maintain a relationship w/his sons.
As for a job...you'll find the perfect one for you. I'm sure you are an excellent cleaner and the work and extra cash will come in handy.
Take care.
Thank you kml, Gwen, Vge, Beatrice and job for your kind words and well wishes. I can always count on you to lift the spirits.
Good for you Lou. You are my inspiration. I see your positive side and it is beautiful.
Gwen; Inspiration! well, I am not sure about that, but thanks, I am trying to keep positive and remind myself that I have no control over anything apart from what I do and what I think.
You are doing so well - MLCers, as you know, bounce all over the place with their emotions.
Yes suree, h is definitely emotional at the moment, I think the death of his friend has hit him hard. He is now at the point of questioning what he has done - more the new relationship so quickly than the leaving me though I think. I am not sure he will ever regret that - he has not acheived what he set out to do yet.
So today I worked for the morning cleaning motel rooms,its the same motel s18 and I are staying in so I am having my wages taken off my bill. I have been asked if I want to do some more hours so that is good. We moved s18 out of his place today. Tomorrow the job hunt begins.
S21 text me to say that h had asked him for my mobile number and he gave it to him, he hoped that was ok - I replied no worries, but would prefer next time if he was give my number out to someone could it be to a hot guy :o) to which s21 laughed at.
Although I am not expecting anymore contact from h, I do want to prepare myself for that possibility now he has my number, I don't want to get sucked in, he still has that affect on me.
So thats all from me - thanks for checking in. Life is an interesting adventure if you let it be!
I'd be very cautious about your contact with H. Like Mightys ex, he may be saying what you want to hear about OW now, but a week or a month from now he and OW may have made up and he'll deny he ever said any of those things. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words.
Thanks for the advise kml. My concern is that my h starts using me as a friendly ear:to talk about things and people only I would know about as he and ow don't have the history.I don't see any signs that he regrets his decision to leave me, I do see signs he regrets getting involved with ow, she has started to irritate him and more importantly our sx2 don't like her and she doesn't like them so it's now come to a her or us ultimatum from them. If he decides to finish with her then he knows getting back with her would result in losing his kids from his life.
Atm nothing he has done or said gives me reason to think he will ever want me back in his life as more than just a friend. I am not sure what I want anyway,I question if the damage can be undone now. I do still love him, I had not spoken to him since Oct last yr, yet it felt like yesterday. The nicer he is the harder it is to remain detached from him.
Be careful as you don't want his emotional roller coaster to become yours. You have worked hard to find your independent emotional foundation, don't let him come along and shatter that. Just keep reminding yourself that he is not done with his journey yet and until he is, he is of no use to you!
Lou, what people are saying is right - in fact there is a risk that we become the OW in emotional terms to them at certain points n their journey.
And they are on such a roller coaster of emotions. I do wonder if they believe what they are saying when they say it (a bit like a small child) but can't hold on to any feeling for long.
Having said that, certainly better to have calm and positive interactions than abuse fests that some of them specialise in.
What I would say is do not initiate contact. If he wants to talk then you can make that decision. They tend to see contact as pursuit in my experience.
Thank you dejavu and Beatrice. I am very conscious that I don't become the emotional ow - it seems a fine line between allowing communication to remain open, but still remaining detached from it all as nothing has actually changed.
I get the impression from sx2 that ow is not going to be around for long, I think its a case of h working out how he is going to end it as they are now financially tied together .... the hole is deep !! but as its been pointed out - actions speaks louder than words, plus just because he has ended it with her does not mean I am on his radar - it just means he is single again.
I have no intentions of changing my path, its still all about me and my boys. He is still spinning away in the corner and I don't see that changing any time soon.
You sound really good Lou. So full of clarity and it is a gift. From your very first post here you've been a positive person with a true sense of clarity. How do you attain that knack for understanding the complexity of a situation and not getting lost in it.
Glad to hear you are back closer to your boys. Even when they are off doing there own thing it is a comfort to be together for a meal or just knowing you have each other's back.
Lou you always inspire me to carry on. I just know you are moving towards an exciting adventure.
Good for you, Lou! It looks like things are moving along quite nicely for you:)
Nice work on the cleaning gig too!
Thanks Gwen and Georgiabelle.
How do you attain that knack for understanding the complexity of a situation and not getting lost in it.
Gwen, I have no idea, I didn’t know I have lol. I feel very lost in all of this MLC marlarkey. I have read everything I can and taken on board everyone’s advice here. Everyone’s sitch is different, I suppose I am fairly lucky as ironically h left for freedom and ended up tying himself down and I ended up with the freedom.
I listen to what the vets here advise. I have remained no contact, everything has come from him. I have made myself GAL and through that I have gained PMA. I also have to say that I have the best girlfriends in the world - my NZ ones kept me alive during the first few months and my UK ones let me cry, vent, hugged me, partied with me (lots), I have done things out of my comfort zone which has made me realise that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. l smile and laugh a lot now, something I never thought I would do ever again. I look back at how I was in the early months and I can’t believe that was me – a complete wreck, not even able to go grocery shopping without crying in the supermarket, not functioning at all, the begging and pleading for him to “try”, omg, mortification at the degrading things I did and said to try and keep him.
The biggest thing I have learnt is to "let it go" - seriously, you have no control over anything apart from yourself, your thoughts and your actions - so why stress about the things you can't control, there is no point. On my grave stone is going to be "there is something always around the corner - have faith it’s going to be something good". It may sound hippy Zen, but it’s true. If you have a bill to pay, then is worrying about it going to get it paid, nope, all that worrying does is make you ill - something will come along, somehow it will get paid and then all that worry was for nothing – I try and apply the same principle for everything now ….it’s taken me a long time to work this out, and I am far from perfect at doing it.
Gwen - I can assure you that the outer me is going along fine, making plans, making decisions and learning about the new world I now live in. The inner me is a mess, I still think about h all the time (more so when he contacts), I still hurt, heck I still have days of tears, wondering how he can prefer a short, fat, smoking, snorer over me; he has gone for someone who is everything he has never liked in a person ....is that an insult to me, or is that his craziness? IDK, but it hurts. One day I hope my inner and outer will catch up, if I keep the outer me going then when the inner me does catch up, wow, its going to be a beautiful sunshine life :o)
Gwen, you will find your way, you are a strong lady – I am on your journey with you. Every day find some good in the world, even if its 5 mins peace and quiet – I found listening to music helps, I have gathered an eclectic play list now, all the songs mean something to me – it’s funny, I can’t listen to the stuff I played in the early days because as my journey progresses the songs change – my girlfriend has Alanis Morrisette, she is renowned for I Hate All Men songs, she plays it at full volume and screams along to it in the car!!! Been there, done that ha ha.
Moved in to our new place – it didn't take long as I didn't have anything to move in lol ….working progress !!
Had our first hiccup – I accidentally flooded the laundry; left the plug in the laundry tub and the washing machine drained into it, overflowing …eek! Ended up not only going over the brand new carpet in the hallway, but leaking along the wall into the bedroom (again brand new carpet) and soaking in to my brand new mattress that was on the floor waiting for a base to arrive …. Thankfully it’s still hot here and I am hoping the warmth of the house and the sun will dry everything out before the landlord visits next !!
AND then - got a suggested friend on FB of ow, a profile pic of her and h laughing and smiling … thanks fb; seems that as h and I have mutual friends that’s why she was suggested even though he is no longer on my fb friends.
It all got too much – I had a meltdown; it just seems that ever since I arrived back in NZ everything has compounded into a huge weight of emotions on top of me.
First sorting out s18, getting him out of where he lived, back in to a safe environment, fed and clothed. Unfortunately it meant renting a flat which was not the original plan and that has stretched me financially, which in turn has made me worried about finding work to pay for it all. S18 is going to start paying rent next week which will help. The pressure is now on to find work asap, and with no qualifications or experience it’s going to be a challenge. We don’t have furniture and whilst there is loads of 2nd hand out there, we have no way of picking it up – ahhhhhh. I have found a fridge that can be delivered next week, so hooray :o)
S21 seems to have sorted things out with his d after I spoke to them both last week. S18 told me that he spoke to both of them yesterday and they were happy, ow was there too and they were all laughing in the background ……puke …. So good for s21 not liking her and so good for h feeling she was rushed and not a keeper.
S18 still maintains that nothing has changed; that h won’t stay with her. It been very confusing because as much as I try and accept that my m/r is completely over, absolutely everyone who knows we have split said immediately it’s a MLC and he will regret this and want me back in his life; even s18 maintains that his d still cares about me as he always asks him if I am ok and does he know what I have been doing etc. He pointed out that it took h 1 minute from the time of receiving the text that I was back in NZ to pulling over in his car and ringing him, he said “why would he do that if there was no interest?”
Idk, I get conflicting reports that he isn’t happy, then he is happy, it messes with my head. I try and keep focused on my plans, my direction, but it’s a distraction that I can’t help falling for. Anything to do with him draws me in so quickly.
I am missing my friends back in the UK, they are my angels and helped me get to the point I am now. I was building a life back in the UK, I started to smile and laugh again and learnt that there is a possibility of a life after h and although I know my sx2 are my priority and I am where I am supposed to be right now, I can’t help but feel very lonely and slightly drowning without my girlfriends around me.
Anywhoo – nothing has changed, apart from having a wet carpet and mattress lol. I think anything to do with h will continue to mess with my head – that’s love for you; it’s a powerful emotion and sometimes is not a nice one to have :o(
You have changed Lou. Please don't allow H to undo all the strength you have gained over the last few months. I know this stings but he is still with her. There is this saying, "When people show you who they are believe them."
Who knows what the future will bring but for now you must focus on yourself. I have no doubt that H misses you but he is not doing anything except keeping you on the back burner. Gosh that sounds cruel to write those words but H is living in your home while you are struggling.
Enough about him. Let's talk about you and all you want to accomplish. Lou you have been such an inspiration to me. I love the way you look at life. Your ability to remain positive is what will get you through this tough time.
Allow yourself a meltdown or two. Be hopeful but also be realistic right now. H is not helping you IMHO and maybe that's why you miss the UK?
Lou,
I'm glad to come here today and read that you've found a place to live and have moved in. I'm sorry you had a "flood", but you caught it before it could go any further. I hope you have some windows that you can open and possibly a fan or two to help dry out the carpet and mattress. These things happen and don't beat yourself up over them. It was an accident and most likely you had other things on your mind when you were doing the laundry.
I'm glad your son is living w/you and will help out w/the rent. Your sons don't know how lucky they are to have you as a mother. Hopefully he will get back on an even keel and you can find work very soon.
As for meltdowns, let them rip. You've had a lot on your plate and those emotions have to be vented somewhere. As for the photo of your xh and ow...let it go. No one knows just what they are thinking or feeling on any given day. He may have been happy as a lark when the photo was taken and then down in the dumps later. He is still curious about you and what you are doing so that tells me that he still have feelings for you deep down. After all, you two were together for a number of years and I don't care what they say, they will have memories of us pop up from time to time and do think about us.
Keep in mind, that the mlcer does wear masks. It takes a lot of work to appear happy in mlc land. When he's alone, he's probably a bit sad and questions himself...but he's not going to tell anyone that he does. Pride is a difficult pill to swallow. So, don't worry about him...God's got him covered and will work on him.
I'm sure you are missing your friends back in the UK. You had some great times visiting and people to bounce ideas off of. Now, you are back in your country, starting a new life and yes, you'll make new friends along the way. Your next chapter has begun and I can't wait to see how it unfolds.
Lou, you are doing great!
Thank you Gwen and job for the pep talk, I know that I am not very good at giving myself permission to have a meltdown.
Woke early hours of this morning to something on my face; after the initial jump up and shake myself off I turned on the light to find a cockroach scuttling up the curtains – nice!
As I lay back down, I did have to smile at the craziness that is my life – if I wrote down what has occurred in the past year or two, then I would have to sell it as fiction as no one would believe it to be real lol.
Gwen – I can tell that you are a lovely beautiful person, as only one like you could show such kindness towards someone they have never met, I am humbled that you choose to be in my circle of friends.
Job – you are so wise and I always listen to you, your advice and support has got me through many a dark day. It would have been easy for me to ring h and ask for help, but I have stuck to my NC rule; I hear you in my head telling me that it is pursuing and the only thing it will achieve is more hurt and rejection. I am always glad that I don’t succumb to temptation, as I know the fantasy conversation in my head really would not go like it in reality!
This state of sadness is getting me down, it hangs over me as a constant reminder of what/who I have lost. I do wonder if I am going to be one of those women who never get over their "one" as I still feel that h was mine ....is mine ....lets stay optimistic a while longer !
lou = the link after a long and happy marriage never really goes away - certainly for most women. We move on and get lives, and find happiness, but honestly I think it is a bit like losing a sibling (my sister died when i was seventeen) They are always with you, and it gets to be in a better, if not always good, way. Life moves on. Most people I know in a successful second marriage tell me it is different. Good, but not quite the same.
Difficult/abusive first marriages are another story. But we were happy, and that takes a lot of getting over. More like widowhood.
This is the hardest thing I have done in a long life, but I have survived, and found joy. Read the story of Shadrach, Mishak and Abendigo, and listen to Sam West's sermon on this (google) and I thnk you will be moved and helped. he is a Brit who was Dean of Duke Divinity School/
Hi LouR!
I want you to put everything down and LAUGH!! JUST LAUGH!
LAUGh! LAUGH! LAUGH! Wet mattress and all. :-)
Feel silly and LAUGH! No crying. No anger. Just laugh. These stories really can't be written in any fiction cuz they would be so unbelievable. So laugh! Enemy can't win. LAUGH!
I think that's the only thing that really makes sense in this MLC craziness besides hope that EVERYTHING will work out for the good! Romans 8:28 baby!
Luv you LouR. STay focused on the good. Affirm the good.
Prayers to you always my friend.
In HIs Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Ok, waaaay too much time on my hands. So was just pondering as to why is it that I continue to cling on to hope; why is it that I can’t seem to accept that my m is over and h no longer wishes to be a part of my life romantically.
I am doing everything advised, I have remained NC (which has been harder since I came back) I am GAL and am making decisions and goals which don’t include him. I have tried to remain in neutral territory on the rare occasion he does contact me. Idk what else I can do to turn these thoughts off.
They have been fuelled all along the way, I know this is not helping, and maybe until he does file for d (which can’t happen until June 2016) I won’t let go. I ask myself why I would even want him back in my life; this man ran away from 24yrs of us, no explanation – he did not really understand it himself – no wanting to try and make it work, no courtesy, loyalty or commitment to our vows, he just walked away, leaving me destroyed and my life a mess.
But then I read all I can on MLC, he fits so much of the script and even my Dr voiced his opinion that it is a MLC and he will be one sorry man. I feel this is not him, like an alien has taken over his brain. I occasionally see glimpses of the old him, the one I loved so deeply, he does/says things which makes me wonder if he is truly happy with his decision. I wonder how he can email or talk to me after months of no contact and sound so casual, like we only spoke yesterday – comfortable with me. I am the women he left, I am the women he no longer wants to be with, I am the women who was the “cause” of his unhappiness; so how can he be so friendly towards me –
I don’t know anyone who has had a friendly break up of their marriage when it’s not been an amicable decision between them both – so this situation we LBS find ourselves in is not normal.
I am getting myself down over it, I feel swamped by thoughts again – the will he, won’t he tug of war. I also know that I have had a lot to deal with since I arrived back and him speaking to me last week after 5 months just compounded it – he drew me in so quickly with his voice, like he was away for a few weeks and would be home soon. The progress I made over the past few months was undone in a matter of minutes.
It’s very frustrating.
Well, thanks for reading my thoughts and rambles. As ever I appreciate so much being able to offload here. I think my friends are getting sick of listening to me go around in circles – I can hear them now ….be done with him already !!
It is society that is unrealistic. Friend of mine whose xh had a MLC - she had the same thing from firneds, until the same thing happened to one of them.
Then they 'got' it.
The fact is we are normal and they are not. We learn to live with the unreality of it, but it doesn't make it real
LouR - You are half a world away but I know your anguish because it mirrors my own. The longer time passes the less I am able to make sense of things. It has only been in the last week or so that I am beginning to feel that trying to make sense of it is not worth the energy.
You sound like such a compassionate person. The feelings you have are normal because you are still you. Time helps. Distractions help. NC really helps me.
MLC may be very real (I believe it is and so does my therapist) but at some point the LBS has to accept that our spouses still made choices along the way. MLC doesn't excuse it but it helps explain the behavior.
Maybe we don't need to love them less but we do need to love ourselves more?
Thanks gwen and bea, idk what is going on in my head, it seems that pit of sadness has taken over again - recycling through the stages of grief I presume.
Talking to h hit me hard, it was lovely to hear his voice, he sounded so down and I ended up just wanting to hear him say those words.....but of course he didn't.
Yesterday I made a few decisions for my future, it does not take any of this pain away but does give me a goal to head towards.
I do feel like I am drowning in sorrow again, I have stayed strong through this relapse and remained NC, I know that it would only end with more pain and rejection if I didn't.
Idk, it's not as though he is happier now, it makes all this even more pointless.
so how can he be so friendly towards me –
As it turns out, you only see what he wants you to see, Lou. You can't know if he's "happy" or not. And don't be so hard on yourself - when they "intrude" back in our lives it is hard for a while. Frustrating is the right way to put it. It'll stay that way until you make peace with it. A conscious effort to not let it get it to you or destroy your life each time.
There's a lot of pain there, Lou. If there wasn't, then you would have wasted those 24 years. And he is basically taken over by an alien. Unless and until he shakes that alien off, he's not the person you knew and he won't be no matter how hard he tries to sound like it.
Hang in there Lou! It gets better, but never as fast as we'd like. But it does get better.
AJ
LouR, he WILL be a very sorry man...
I understand what you are feeling. I’ve been at this for more than 2 ½ years, coming up to 3… And I still get my head messed up when I see H. Not as much as when I hear from him, thank goodness! The NC is the best thing to get through this. One step at a time. Just keep doing what you are doing, making sure your sons have a parent they can rely on.
He is not happier, but he has long ways to go the realization that he gave up the best thing in his life for snoring, trashy OW. Hang in there.
Awwwww thanks ajm and BrightFuture, idk where my head has been lately, I need to get my focus back.
I went to work this morning to be told they have let their cleaner go,so I have been offered a job until I find full time. Helps pay the rent so happy.
Chatted to a couple girlfriends on WhatsApp, they gave me pep talks, reminding me how loved I am and how far I have come. Wish they were closer, they are all gd for a drunken night out and hugs!!
I know I will be fine; the little sparkle I found while I was away is still alight, it just got hidden, I know it will return.
Thanks to everyone who is supporting me through this, I am so grateful to you all. I hope one day I will be able to offer advice to another LBS who finds themselves here - showing them they can and will survive and life will be good - maybe even better :o)
So until the next time he contacts and messes with my head, my focus remains on my boys, deciding on what I want to do in the future -
Lou,
We all have little "slips" when it comes to our mlcing spouses and the contact we have w/them. The point is to not allow the "slips" to bring you down and keep you down.
I'm so happy that your girlfriends continue to give you pep talks. You need them in your life and yes, you are loved by many people, not just in the real world, but here as well. They are absolutely correct in the fact that you've come a long way in such a short amount of time. This path is not an easy one, but you've managed to find what works best for you and you've been navigating your journey in a very classy way. Don't allow your h to take away your sparkle. He's just not worth it at the moment.
I'm glad that you've gotten full time employment. It may not be what you want, but at least it will pay the bills until you can find something better. Take your frustrations out on cleaning the rooms.
Continue to keep the focus on you and your sons. Lou, I think you've been doing a bang up job of keeping things together. Don't ever allow anyone to take your sparkle away.
Thanks job, unfortunately the cleaning is not full time after all - seems my boss was just venting about her permanent cleaner being useless and used me for a few days to do a proper clean of the units - back to normal tomorrow. Never mind, it was work and helped towards this weeks' rent.
Managed to flood the laundry again, this time the hose detached from the w/machine - should have checked it when I moved in, so my fault. So wet carpet again for the second time in a fortnight !! I have never had this happen before; is karma trying to tell me something - my friend said I seem to have so much bad luck following me around, I must have been a serial killer in a past life !!
Still cant bring myself to buy furniture, I keep looking at it as couch or rent - hmmm rent wins. I know it will happen and I should not be so materialistic, but after cleaning yet more mouldy windows and walls in my new place, scrubbing floors and toilets for work, the floods, not being able to afford to set myself back up again and worried about where the rent is coming from each week - I am taking a good hard look at my life and think "seriously, is this what my life has come to?" This is not what I want for myself - so how to change it ....I know only I can change it ....but I have been asking myself the same question for months now and still come up with nothing.
It seems that I really cant move off the life I was leading and the life I was about to have with h - our empty nest, second honeymoon stage of life. Stuck in the past - I am stuck with h.
Its most infuriating - how weak am I, allowing this man to dominate my thoughts, emotions and life. I never imagined I would be like this - more like a kick him to the curb kinda gal.
On an amusing note - so for those who are following me, and those who have just joined my journey; I got given a session with a psychic by a friend last year; its not something I am in to, had never been to one before but was open to the idea - so off I go, a bit disappointed to find a normal looking lady in her garden shed, but hey. Long story short - she said a lot of things, I have a dvd of the reading. Everything so far has come to fruition, freaky or what - there is a man who will make overtures towards me, she felt he is from the uk and my reaction will be "goodness no, yuk" WELL- yesterday I received an email from a guy I have known since teens, he was declaring love for me; said he has been in love with me for 30yrs and will be forever!eek - He apologized for not saying anything when I was over in the uk but thought he had more time (how much time did he want, he has had 30yrs ha ha) but I jetted back to NZ before he had a chance to say anything - OMG and YUK and EEK.
So I now have the unenviable task of shattering his world by saying there is no chance - not interested - which I feel terrible about as I know how it feels to be rejected. I really did not need this, his timing was the worst ever lol.
So my lady has been right on everything so far - my reading goes to June 2016 so still have a way to go, she did do a short prediction for further, saying all is fine, I am financially ok and happy, I live in an idyllic place and she did say she knows who with, but I said I don't want to know. Whatever this is, whether there is something to it or not, its nice to have the image of me being ok in the future :o)
Right, just made a chocolate cake - as chocolate cake solves all problems :o)- so going to make some gooey icing for it,as lets face it, if i am going to blast the calorie intake it has to be done to full effect.
((hugs)) to all xx
Lou,
I can't believe you flooded the place again! LOL! One thing is for certain...the floors are going to be super clean! I have noticed over the years that when the lbs are living on their own, they tend to have a lot of things happen in their lives at the beginning, almost like karma is hitting them squarely between the eyes...but, I now think it's a sign to help us keep the focus on ourselves and not on the mlcers.
I'm sorry that the work isn't permanent, but every little bit of money earned helps you w/the rent. You'll get the furniture you need in time. Right now, I think you aren't sure as to whether this is where you want to live or not.
As for the psychic, they sure don't look like the people we see in movies or on TV. Sounds like her predictions have been spot on w/you and your situation. It will be interesting to see how the rest of this year unfolds w/her predictions in mind.
As for your friend who has proclaimed his undying love for you, you are going to have to handle him carefully. You will need to explain that you are not in a place whereby you can even think about another relationship and that you need to heal from what has transpired. Do not use the word "yet" or he'll think he has a chance w/you. If he's as love struck as he proclaims any words that may "promise" something further down the line will be taken as he has a chance w/you. The poor bloke!
Chocolate cake does solve problems. LOL!
Take care.
Thanks job.
I have written a response to my admirer,I have tried to be tactful. I have not sent it yet, I can't bring myself to - it's not what I expected to have to write to anyone!
Other news - carpet is drying out, smells a bit so will have to treat it with a deodoriser.
Spoke to s21 today, he said everything is much better between him and h, they have been doing more stuff together and a few days ago they went to the car auctions and got s21 a car. Sounds like h may have actually listened to me wow. S21 also said things better in the house now, thinks his d has talked to ow about backing off. So all quiet in their corner again.... for now lol.
S18 has talked about leaving college, says it's boring and he is not learning anything - this is typical of him. I have said he can leave if he finds full time work (which is not easy here so am hoping that will stem the leaving college for a while) it's a tactical game!!
Life is a tactical game and you are doing so much better than you realize.
Stay focused on you this week. One step at a time and know you have many people cheering you on.
Honestly – who said this gets better, that life gets better?
So, got another job rejection email today, that’s 4 this week. This one was for factory production line – it was my desperation application so really feeling like “seriously, am I unemployable?”
I look back at how my life was this time last year – safe and secure, husband, lovely home, no worries and now ……….
On a good note – s21 has moved off h driveway and into his own place. He is a happy b now. Both s are fine again, which was the aim of my premature return.
Both s tell me their relationship with h is better; they stick to safe subjects and are still hoping that his relationship ends; h hinted to sx18 that she was rushed into and not a keeper, however it does not look like she is going anywhere and h is going to try and juggle everyone; perhaps me coming back has made things easier for him.
I am fed up of this - feeling like I have this permanent weight on my chest. The worry of the job hunt, the sadness of losing my m, the confusion of what I want, the lack of direction and drive to feel positive about the future.
Thanks for being here for me and letting me ramble. Its my safe place :o)
Lou,
I'm sorry about the job rejection...but maybe it wasn't the right job for you. Keep applying for any and all positions. I know it's discouraging, but I also know you will find one very soon because you are a strong, independent and determined woman.
I'm also glad to read that your son is no longer living at your h's place. Your sons are going to find that the less they deal w/his drama, the better off they will be and stick to safe subjects.
Hang in there!
^^^^^^^^^^
Yes. Lou, I know you are ready for something job wise and it IS discouraging when it doesn't happen. However, Job is right. There is a reason you didn't get this gig- it wasn't right for you. Keep at it and something will turn up for you.
You are a strong, determined lady and something good is just around the corner. Hang in there!!!
Hey Lou, I’m sure that you will find a perfect job. Sometimes it takes time. I was without a job for entire year before I found one. I was a mess. But it worked out at the end, and now I have a great job that I think is a good fit for me. I met a lot of people I became friends with.
I know who you feel, I’ve been there. Don’t give up. The things will get better.
I also think that part of you being down is that the news about possible trouble in paradise gave you some hope. And now it looks like everything is the same and your h and ow are still together. You don’t really know what is going on over there. It might look good, but who knows. Give it some more time. I bet that this R is not going to last. Or, your h will be miserable. You just cannot replace a good thing with the bad thing and be happy about it.
Hang in there. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you job, Georgiabelle and Bright, I know something will come along eventually. Unfortunately waiting for the perfect job is not an option, I have to find something, anything, to get some money coming in; I dont have many more weeks before the pot will be empty. Once I have got a wage coming in, then I will have the breathing space to find something I really want. The Bank of Mum is temporarily closed now both s are fine again and until I get a regular income.
I also think that part of you being down is that the news about possible trouble in paradise gave you some hope. And now it looks like everything is the same and your h and ow are still together. You don’t really know what is going on over there. It might look good, but who knows. Give it some more time. I bet that this R is not going to last. Or, your h will be miserable. You just cannot replace a good thing with the bad thing and be happy about it.
Bright: you are right, I did start to have hope; hope that he was beginning to come to his senses and the knowledge that he was unhappy, as why should he be happy when he has caused my unhappiness. I agree, no one knows what is going on his head and behind closed doors. I also know I should stop myself from being drawn in everytime I hear things are not good with him.
I am happy that s21 has his own place, he is a young man and should be out having fun and enjoying his life, not stuck in the middle of his d and g/f.
Coming back here has been a big challenge and ask of myself i know, its giving myself time - patience has never been a strong point of mine - I am trying to put the focus back on me now my sx2 are fine again. Back to living day by day, being thankful for bedtime and few hours rest for the brain.
Thanks for all your comments and support - (((hugs)))
Hang in there Lou. I know the right job will come for you at the right time. Like you said, being open to things and being positive is the kind of energy that attracts good things. It is easier to say but you are going to get through this. I have no doubt at all.
Sending you all my best. {{{hugs}}}
Can anyone advice me on writing cover letters?
I am really struggling with writing cover letters - I can see that mine are probably letting me down. Its hard because I can't seem to find a way of selling myself when I generally don't have the skills and experience that they are looking for; I am having to sell myself in the hope that potential employers will give me a chance.
Having been a stay at home mum for 21yrs I am really finding this hard going. I find out about the company, I address it to a named person (I email and ask if its not included in the advert), but its the explaining why I want the position and what I can bring to it that I am struggling with - I have been told not to put in cheesy things regarding skills motherhood has taught me - like negotiating with toddlers lol, so any ideas would be really appreciated.
Hi Lou,
I've not been a stay at home mom but have had some friends re-enter the workforce. Listen, as a mom, we know you got stuff DONE!!!!
I'm sure your kids had activities that required some type of participation. Did you hekp with any fundraisers? Organize food drives? Chaperone trips? Organize neighborhood yard sales? Volunteer work? Don't be afraid to showcase skills that you DO have. Just because you haven't been in the workforce. For example, highlight in a cover letter that you spearheaded a coat drive for the local homeless or women's shelter. Something like that. Think about things you've done, helped your sons with or done with the community.
Something will show up soon for you. Keep at it!!!
A question for those who have been through a mlc and vets who are a font of knowledge
Been a quiet day so I have been catching up on threads and reading back over cadets links etc -
I was told that knowledge is power - so here is my question:
I understand when a MLC'er gives the ILYBNILWY speech and then once out of crisis they can come to realise that they actually do love their s and try to reconnect with them. But I don't understand how a MLC'er can give the "I am no longer physically attracted to you" speech and then change their mind - especially if the MLC'er is a distancer and has not seen his/her s for months - poss yrs.
How is that even possible; doesn't that feeling/knowledge of non attraction stay in their memory?
I suppose I am interested to know how a distancer MLC'er comes to the conclusion that they lost the best person in their life and want to try reconcile with them and how they make that happen - It does not relate to my sitch right now - I am just interested to know how reconciliation can happen from a MLC'er point of view as I have only read from the LBS side.
Other Stuff - update.
No luck as yet on the job front; the one I am really interested in applications closed today - thanks GB for the cover letter tip, I changed tact from my norm, so fingers crossed.
My cleaning job at the motel has finished - I completed all the unit cleans for their Qualmark inspection ...which they passed, so happy owners ..lucky owners for meeting the clean queen ha ha
Both s are doing fine, all quiet on the home front
Had a long skype with a few girlfriends back in the UK, I was needing it - some top up love :o) They have been scheming on ways to get me back lol, so I have said I will try and visit when work and money have sorted themselves out - it gives me something to look forward to.
Keeping myself busy, cleaning our rental to my standards, clearing the garden and I make sure I go out for a walk every day, rain or shine. I have backed off a few friends with the feelings stuff now as I feel they are over listening to it; a year of listening to me going around in circles - I can totally understand, I know that they all have their own lives to lead, the perils of being a single women amongst married friends. Thankfully I have a few lovely girlfriends in the UK I can babble on to whenever I feel the need and they do the same back to me.
Feelings wise - strangely calm, its a new one on me - another one to add to the pot.
Lou - someone wise like Wonka can better give you the MLCer pov.
The lack of attraction I believe is due in part to their depression. A MLCer seldom goes off with a younger version of their long term spouse/partner. In fact my middle son could not believe the woman my xh originally left me for. She was very different and according to him, not at all attractive.
So when the fog lifts, and the depression is seen for what it is (all too often MLCers fail to realise they are in fact deeply depressed) it seems that old feelings may return.
But then there is denial . . . . and loss of memory.
Lou,
Bea has given you some good advice. People who are depressed lose interest in many things, one being their spouses. They lose that feeling of love, not just w/the spouse but other things that were near and dear to their hearts prior to the depression. Hobbies that they once loved to do, go by the wayside, the same w/work. Everything becomes a chore in their old life.
Many people who are depressed take up new things, they gamble, drink, do drugs, leave jobs and find new ones, find a new person to take up with, etc. This all makes them feel good for a short period of time and then they go out and look again for things that give them that little euphoric kick. The OP is there to provide that spark for a while because they are "NEW", not because they are better than you, but they are different and usually they are the opposite of us in some ways because their interests may be different.
As the depression begins to life, many of them come to realize what they've done. Some will deny everything to the day they die and others will admit it to others, but not to the parties that they hurt. Memory is a tricky thing and some will remember portions of what they did in crisis and others won't.
If you have the time, you might want to read up on depression. Depression for men is different in many ways than it is for women.
Thanks Bea & job,
I have been reading up on depression, it's good to learn new things.
Its powerful stuff - depression and mental health. I hope that anyone going through a mlc can find a way to reach out when reality does catch up with them.
Lou- I have wondered those same things. Thanks for bringing this up. It is an obstacle to for sure to any sort of reconciliation and that makes me sad.
Update time:
Wednesday - I made a mental leap, enough is enough. I made a decision, I will spend what money I do have left on ME, things I need (like a car to get me to work, yep staying positive) and things I want, like setting up an "always wanted but never had” craft room and some furniture.
Thursday – I bought a car! This is the first time I have EVER bought my own car, for me it was a HUGE deal, I mean this is something I have done on my own, for me; my h is a petrol head so always did the car buying in the family. I bought a car I like, the colour I like, the style I like – me me me
, It was only a cheapy but it’s all mine. On the way home in my cute little hatchback, I called in to the supermarkets to do my weekly job vacancy check – I applied for a couple and went home. Got home to a phone call – supermarket x – they looked at my application, I am not suitable for the position I applied for but would I interview for one not advertised yet – interview tomorrow morning
Whoop Whoop, an interview, a real live interview – yeay!
Friday (today) – interviewed for job, turns out to be cleaner, full time. Horrid hours 1pm – 10pm including Saturday, but Sunday & Monday off. Long story short – I left, they checked my reference with my current employer (the motel I casual clean for) and I got the call this afternoon – got the job, start next week.
I know it’s not the best job in the world
; it’s not forever, it just gives me breathing space to figure out what I want to do with my life and future career. It also has a secondary meaning and I think maybe only you here would understand what I feel – me getting a job ….any job ….after being a sahm for 22yrs is massive for me, it gives me self-worth but more importantly it has been the final step in my independence from h …..I no longer need him for anything. I can stand on my own two feet financially now – my wage pays my rent, bills and food, it also allows a little for my travel fund. I know things will be tight, but that’s ok.
It’s weird, I thought I would be celebrating – and I am internally breathing a huge sigh of relief – but you are the first I have told about any of this week’s events – I have not told my girlfriends yet. It’s an emotional moment; I am so happy I have found a job and can breathe a little easier now, but I am a bit sad that this is it – no longer needing h when I have been dependant on him for so long.
So I have a weekend of work at the motel and then start my new job on Monday. A positive week for me in the forwards direction ...in MY car
Lou,
Congratulations on purchasing a car! That is a huge step for you, but one you needed to do.
As for the job, it's not the best one out there, but it will help you financially until you can get something better. It's a stepping stone and I know you'll continue to apply for other positions while working this one.
Your week has provided you w/some positive outcomes. I'm sure you are happy, but relieved as well, i.e., just knowing that you'll have some money coming in. As for the other things you would like to have, they'll come in time. I know you'll get everything that you want in due time.
Keep up the good work! I'm very happy w/your news today!
Hi Lou,
Isn't it amazing when you work out that you can actually make decisions based purely on what YOU want???
I was always indecisive before, to the point where it got boring. Turns out, I was always trying to weigh up the best options for everyone else. Lots of second-guessing.
Now I just have to please myself, and I know what I want.
Another of the big positives of this journey.
Good for you. So pleased to hear your news.
Congrats Lou
This post took me back to August .. same thing, like you I never did things for me, had to have W's permission on everything ... SMH now, man how times have changed. Anyways I went in to Harley just to look, thinking, my Bday is in a month and I am doing this .. W can have her life, her A, all that I am going to live MY live MY way for a change. 3 hours later they are tossing me the keys, all the sales guys started up bikes they were close too, honked horns rev'd those throaty motors, I am telling you ... Biker guys all over the place clapping and welcoming me into the new family, I almost ruined it by tearing up!!!!
KUDOS to you, I know how big those steps you are making are !!
Thank you so much for the congrats job, NLW and Cali, it is so appreciated.
Good for you Cali, I am so happy you bought your Harley, we deserve splurging on ourselves; after all, it's our life, our dreams and our choice :o) Mine is travel - I really want to travel.
Lou,
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations on the car and the job. So the job isn't a dream job...that's okay. It will help you financially and you can keep your eyes open for another opportunity.
Glad you had good news this week.
Lou - that is fantastic news about the job. Congratulations! It is a huge accomplishment and while it may not be what you want for a career maybe right now something that is task based is better for the soul. You come in, work hard and let it go. I think you have so much on your plate this is a good stepping stone until you feel stronger emotionally.
Way to go! You are doing so well and you have much to be proud of my friend.
{{{hugs}}}
Update -
Work is going well - physically hard going but that cuts out having to go to the gym
Today h rang - I probably did everything not to do DB wise, but it seemed to go ok.
He said he has wanted to contact me so many times but felt it wrong of him after all the pain and hurt he has put me through. He asked why I don't contact him .....sticky moment .... so I just said that I did not think it was appropriate while he was with ow.
He told me it was his last day at work, that he starts his new job next week. Seems happier about the change.
THEN - wow wow - he has decided to end it with ow. He is tied in with her until July and then he can take himself of the rental lease, but until then he cant afford to rent somewhere else and still pay half the rent of his current place. Turns out ( go figure ha ha) that she is really damaged. She has smashed things, cut herself and threatened to call the police saying it was him, she has overdosed after an argument, she is possessive (that's why she did not like the boys or him talking to me) and generally nutso.
He said he did not go through the whole process of leaving me for freedom to find himself, to then hook up with a crazy women that has tied him down! Lightbulb duh!!!
Then he asked about me: this is where I prob did not do too well, but he asked so many questions I could not be elusive all the time. So I talked about my job and what I do. He asked about my life and how I am, he apologized and said he regrets
how he left (that leaving is still what he needed to do), that he feels that perhaps he should have tried first; counselling etc, but feels that really it probably would not have changed anything, maybe just created more hurt and the outcome of us never talking again.
He told me he has grown a beard and got a motorbike (something I used to never like) so I said "Cool" - which he was surprised at
He also talked about his life, said that he he has not told anyone about ow overdose so please don't repeat it - he just needed to tell someone.
He said he can tell I have changed in myself and asked if we can have more contact - just as friends - so I said, I am ok with that as long as there is no ow on scene, to which he said he does not intend looking for anyone else now.
I mentioned that I am happy for him to come and stay if he wants to visit s18 and if he is not comfortable with me being around (which I would most likely be at work anyway) I can go and stay elsewhere for the weekend - to which he replied "I can't come up yet as she wouldn't like it, and I certainly would not want you to stay elsewhere, its your home. I hope that we can be ok around each other, I would like that".
1 1/2 hrs later (he was at work lol) I had to finish the call as I had to go to work - but we left it that we would contact more.
I know I know - this means nothing - zero expectations and all that. But it was nice to have him human again for a short while.
Right, back to reality, work calls and all that.
Lou,
There is no right or wrong way to deal w/a MLCer, but I have to commend you on staying cool, calm and collected. I'm sure it was a shock to have him call, tell you what was on his mind, and yes, a roundabout apology, and the length of the call.
It's a new beginning and hopefully the two of you can forge some kind of new friendship and go from there. Yes, the ow was a crazy one and it's not over yet. He still have a few months left on the lease before he can get away from her...but don't be surprised if he opts to stay w/her or she stalks him later. If she's that crazy, she'll do anything to keep him in line and w/her.
Keep your expectations at zero and continue has you have been and I think a friendship can be forged. You'll soon be writing the next chapter of your Life's Book before you know it.
I pray that he's on the right track now and will finally figure things out for himself.
Continue moving forward. You are doing great!
Thanks job. I did not have a good night sleep wise, the conversation going around in my head.
Whilst this is a step forward, I am really not sure how this is going to work or even if I want to open myself up to possible hurt in the future. Do I want to be "just friends" should that be the way this goes. The question of do I contact him, how often; weekly, monthly - is this not pursuing.
I have not initiated contact since last October so for me to do so now is slightly alien. Not knowing what is going on in his life seems far easier than knowing - I mean, what happens if he does stay with ow (which I really do doubt, he knows he cant stay in that kind of relationship, its making him ill). What happens if he finds someone else, or things just plod along in friend zone - do I really want this, idk. I have only just found calm in my life again without him in it. I know we have to start somewhere and this is the obvious place - and he initiated it - however I am really quite conscious that this could go disastrously wrong for me.
I know that he really is not ready for anything other than friendship and he may never want more from me; he needs to end it with ow and then go live life and achieve the things he wanted to when he left me. I know that the only way we have any chance of reconciling is for us to be in communication and as friends we can build on that, but I suppose I am still very sensitive to putting myself in the line of fire - I am asking myself, is it a risk I am willing to take.
I am conscious that having him around again may cause me to change direction and my plans - always wondering "what if". This was unexpected and has sent me in to a slight spin.
I know what my girlfriends would say to me if they knew about this - they have watched and supported me through him leaving me and would think I was absolutely crazy for having anything to do with him at all.
A Caliguy Quote - wash, rinse, spin , repeat !!
Lou,
Boy, do I understand the "didn't have a good night sleep wise" situation when you've had contact w/a MLCer. No matter had how you try to cut off the rewinding and replaying of the taped conversation in your head, it continues for a long time. It's unsettling, especially when he calls and tells you the things he did.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't initiate any contact w/him unless it's an absolute emergency or about your sons. He's talked the talk and now he needs to walk it. One never knows what is going on in their heads and when the ow is still very much present, you have to wonder...is he really waking up or am I plan B when Plan A doesn't work out? The only way that anyone can be sure that they have come through to the other side is to observe and if he is truly out of the crisis, you and/or your sons will see a more settled man who is truly working on himself to get to a better place.
As for friendship, well...that's not going to happen in a blink of an eye. Again, it's something that has to be forged and he's the one that has a lot of work to do to show you that he truly wants to be a friend and just not saying things to provide easy lip service so that he's saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Lou, for now...stay the course. You are doing great and I don't think you have anything to worry about right now. He touched based and who knows when he'll surface again. He may be like Bea's xh and just pop out the rabbit hole every now and then to see if the world still exists.
For now, wave and continue on down the street because life is far too short to sit around waiting on that old pesky rabbit to pop out again.
Hi Lou- you are doing so well right now. I can imagine how a conversation like that can have you rattled. The one thing that was a real red flag to me was H asking you to contact him. You have not blocked all avenues of communication. If his desire is genuine then he must contact you. You have to wonder if the MLCer wants you to contact them so they feel needed. I guess what I am saying is that right now H may not understand that any relationship requires more than "hey call me" or "I feel bad when you don't contact me"
This is about you and your life. OW's presence is also an alarm. You can't know what is really going on with H until he is alone with himself to figure it out.
You are my hero Lou. You look at life in such a positive way and I admire you greatly.
Thank you job and Gwen.
I have had a couple of days to calm down and a lot of cleaning time to think about it. I also talked to a couple of g/fs who just want me to be happy.
I do agree with you both - this still has to come from him, especially while ow is still on scene.
The one thing that was a real red flag to me was H asking you to contact him. You have not blocked all avenues of communication
H did not ask for contact, he asked me
why I don't contact, especially as we agreed to co-parent because despite our b's being older they still ask for guidance and advice and its good to both be on the same page with them.
He has reconnected with them both which is great and once away from ow he will be able to have more to do with them - I think that they will help him continue on his decision to leave her as he told me that he came close to losing them and he would have hated that. In a "can't admit it way" I feel he is pleased I came back to them and not had them come to me.
He has made it clear that the ball is in my court as for me contacting him. He said that whilst he would like me in his life and he misses my friendship, that he has no right to expect it after what he has done, this really is MY decision, what is best for me.
The problem we face is that he does not want to pressure me in to contact or keep contacting me as he does not feel he has the right to do so after all he has done and I don't want to contact him as it may still come across as pursuing but more the point of opening myself up to possible hurt again - a part of me still loves him, being in contact concerns me as I worry that I will fall back in love with him and him never feel the same way about me, hindering me moving forwards - funnily enough I don't worry about it being the other way around. I hope this makes sense -
He has opened his door a crack and I have to decide if I will peak in or not - will curiosity get the better of me
As for the avenues of communication - he only had access to me by email, which he did every few months. When I returned to NZ he asked s21 for my mobile number and s gave it, then told me that he hoped that was ok - too late by then - you need to know that both s would love to have us back together, M&D.
We talked about her, not anything personal, we just spoke about some of the things she has done - what he has got himself in to. I feel he will need quite a bit of time afterwards to get over her and what she has done to him, he feels trapped right now, she holds him responsible for her happiness and when he does not deliver she punishes him by harming herself or him. He knows it is a kind of abuse and its got to stop.
I am glad he reached out to me, no matter what he has done (and yes I do have a evil smile inside me knowing that life has not been rosy for him and that she turned out to be a nutter) I do still care and that makes me the better person.
Like you pointed out job - I don't want to be plan b .... I dont get the impression this is the case, I am not a plan anything in his head, just a friend to talk to - but as we know, only he knows what he is thinking .....
To get myself back on track, to refocus on me again and continue on my path I have decided to (my g/f's have badgered me into it) visit the UK next June which gives me a year to save up and something to look forward too. They are holding a charity event so I would like to be a part of that.
I have also started thinking about where I want to go from here career wise, as if it involves going back to school I need to come up with a where and when plan for next Feb (start of school yr here). I am also giving up my motel job, it served me well and I think part of me said yes to staying because I am useless at saying no to people, but this new job is physically demanding and I am seeing that I really need to have my 2 days down time. It also means I can go see g/f and my s21 which will be an overnight trip.
GAL is not doing too well, but that is because I seem to be either at work or asleep ! Something needs to change.
Ka-Boom - This is still where my headspace is after last weeks p/call from h
So many questions and no way of getting the answers unless I ask him - I wrote an email but could not bring myself to send it - maybe the not knowing is better than knowing.
Without asking him what he meant how do I move forward in my head. I was probably just as confusing to him - not giving anything away. Neither of us wanting to be honest and clear; for me it was fear, fear of getting into something that will harm me. Fear of misunderstanding the intention of his call.
At the moment its about being a friend - but why would he think I was the person to talk to about ow and her depressive antics?
His voice drew me in, his thoughts piqued my curiosity, his statements make me wonder where this leading ...and do I want to go there.
Ka-Boom !!
I have found dealing with MLC behaviour - 'if in doubt - Don't'
It was your husband who left the marriage and only he can solve his issues. It takes a very long time to fully recognise and then disengage from our earnest desire to help them out - probably because in many emotional areas of our married life we were the emotional Fixer, if not the practical one too.
And so not forget, for many practical purposes, so many of those in MLC display traits that tick most of the boxes for sociopath. If his voice drew you in he probably meant it to.
It is good that you are talking, and this could be a genuine attempt start reconnecting - he doesn't sound a total basket case, but it could be a touch and go.
I would suggest you leave the ball in his court, and make that pleasantly clear. If he wants to talk you can be there, but for heavens sake do not go after him.
Thanks for the advice Bea,
There was something that held me back from sending the email. I have not initiated contact since last October so to come this far and fall now would make me disappointed with myself - I know I would regret it as soon as I contacted him.
One thing is for sure - I am not ready for him to mess with my head and remain cool; just look at the spin I am in with just a phone call!
I know it's a process, its speed bumps that I have to negotiate as safely as possible to keep me intact.
I am still GAL - I finish work at 10pm Saturday and then going to a party (new work friend), my sx18 is sober driver for his friends that night so is going to pick me up so I can have a few drinks. Its the first thing I have been too since coming back to NZ so I am looking forward to it (albeit a bit late for me - I have impressed sx18 though ha ha).
Thanks for keeping me on track -
Lou- you are doing so well. H may be coming around at a snail's pace but listen to your inner voice. That is your best advisor and if that voice says to wait then listen. You are absolutely right in your thinking that if one phone call gets you off kilter it is best to wait. He treated you terribly and you have every reason to be cautious. Make every decision from a place of strength and you'll be on the right road.
Have fun Saturday. My daughters would be impressed if I started my night out at 10 too! Good for you my friend.
Thank you Gwen, you are such a good friend - everyone here is; I am so blessed to have stumbled upon this site.
Crazy times huh!! He said jump and I thought "how high" instead of "nope" Ah well, I have learnt the lesson and will know for future conversations ..... thank goodness I did not send that email, it would have been terrible.
I finished my last training shift today, so now I have learnt all the tasks for the all the shifts - back to my own shift tomorrow. Its hard work and really disgusting at times but its a job and I am lucky to have got it as there are so many people looking for work here.
I am signing up for another college course next week - It's going to be a challenge to complete it as it's a yr course and I only have 6 months left, I don't want to be a cleaner for the rest of my life and moaning about it won't change anything so I have to be proactive. This course wont get me work but it will get me on to the next course which is one that I will need to go to college for - a big step for me.
I dont know what I want to study yet but know that it's the only way forward career wise.
Party time tomorrow - I only know the party girl so its a new experience for me - going to something on my own where I don't know anyone (I survived NYE so sure I can do this). Its the only way I am going to GASL and meet new people outside work.
Thanks for all your support and advice to get me through the latest hurdle with h. Onwards and Forwards
I agree with Bea. Let him initiate and keep a contact with you.
Enjoy yourself at the party! It is so nice of your S18 to promise to pick you up.
I have relatives in NZ, who are coming to visit with me next week. One day I will be going to visit them. I’ve been to Australia, but I haven’t been to NZ yet. Looking forward to it!
Happy Birthday!
I do hope that you have some special plans for your special day!
Thank you Bright - I hope you manage a visit to NZ one day, it really is a lovely country, so diverse and beautiful.
So the game continues –
I had a great night Saturday, I went to the party after work and ended up being kidnapped lol; bundled into a car with 3 women from the party that I did not know and went into town; we went to see a band and then dancing until 3am – was hilarious. S18 picked me up and found it all highly amusing. Now if you knew the meek me from pre bd you would understand how brave this was for me to do - I have changed so much - my UK peeps did a great job restoring the old me :o)
Today is my b/day. H tm this afternoon (really did not expect it), just a b/day greeting and hoping I was having a nice day. So I tm him back, and then the tm went back and forth, keeping it light and silly.
I went to make a cuppa and spoke to sx18, told him I was tm with his dad –
S: that’s just weird, he so wants you back
Me: why do you think that?
S: because it’s not normal for someone to want a divorce and then keep asking us (sx2) about you and contacting you
Me: that’s true I suppose.
S: Can you ask him if it’s still ok for me to visit and tell him I am staying with sx21 because then he does not have to worry about her kids being there, plus I don’t really want to stay with her
Me: ask him yourself
S: I forgot to ask him yesterday
Me: You spoke yesterday?
S: Yeah, he tm me to remind me it’s your b/day, he also reminded me about m/day too, like I said, he cares about you.
Ok – well that I did not expect. It’s like a covert operation has been going on under the radar, intel swopped between h and sx2 – Hilarious – I really should do something worth reporting back with ha ha ha
The tm continued a while longer, we sorted out who was paying for sx18 visit – looks like half each - and then I wished him a good first day at work for tomorrow and speak again soon, h tm back saying: thanks and will do.
Now I have my head a little more settled with h and this contact malarkey, atm I am feeling ok; actually having some fun with him as I don’t have the pressure of it being anything else, he was a bit cheeky in his tm’s so I responded the same - our history of knowing each other coming in to play.
On a different topic – I actually have stuff on for the next two weeks of days off, the GAL is starting to pick up. Travel fund had an ickle deposit from what I have saved over May and today is Cake day as it’s my b/day and just because I can! I am planning a daytrip to see s21 soon as I have not seen him for 6 months. My godmother has contacted me to say she will be in NZ in July, that’s really exciting as I have not seen her in years and I am going to see a girlfriend for a couple of days before she moves to the South Island.
On the 7th June it will be a year since h left – I looked back over my journal entries from that time and it seems so surreal, it’s a bit like labour – you know it was incredibly painful but the memory of the intensity has dulled over time. I look at all I have done, the places I have been, what I have achieved and who I have become and know that I am going to be ok –
There are no bad decisions, only lessons.
Stay strong my friends, thank you for being here for me – I get the feeling my next chapter is going to be even more eventful than the last ……….
LouR, happy Birthday, my fellow Gemini!
You sound good! All these upcoming GAL sounds fantastic!
About your tm conversation with H… Yes, you DO have history together. There is nothing in the world that can replace that. Not a new, younger, shiny ow. All these “new” feelings are going to wear out (and it seems that it is actually happening to your H), but the history and the bond of the family will remain. It seems like your H is starting to recognize that. In a twisted way, it is good that he already had this ow experience. My H is still looking for that new, shiny woman, so who knows how long it will take him to realize what he left.
I like your analogy about the labor. It is so true.
Hey, and good job on keeping your head cool during the tm conversation!
Happy bday Lou - you are doing do well!
Lou- so sorry I missed your birthday. Sounds like you have embraced being another year older and another year wiser. Glad you had such a fun time with new friends last weekend.
I must admit I think of you often because you keep looking at your situation in the most positive way. You have the gift of optimism. I know it is a blessing but I also imagine that sometimes it must feel like a burden. Looking at the world with hope takes a lot of energy and when we have been treated poorly we keep second guessing our entire outlook on things. Just know you are on the right track and H may catch up to you but, no matter what, you are going to be fine.
Thank you for the Birthday Wishes job, Bright, Bea and Gwen.
Thanks Gwen for your kind words, they mean a lot to me and I always love hearing from you.
Well, what da know, h tm again this morning - that is twice this week. I am happy he tm and not calls as it gives me time to stand back and think of my answers.
The jist of this conversation -
H - Morning, hows your weeks going? (have to check in on my elders
) -
this is because I am older by 3 months - He then said his started off badly when he reversed a work van into a car, not a good first impression!
me- Oh Dear! Killer week, but getting into a routine now. You ok?
H -Yep, job less intense than last one. Home is still the same, settling in to work before I look to cause upheaval there. Glad you settling into work, hope your managing to build a life around it.Can I ask a favour? I have to pay the excess on the insurance for the accident and I am now paid weekly (
he used to be paid monthly) so can I defer this months payment to you.
Me - Yes to money (
figure that he has never been late on a payment yet and first time he has asked for a defer. Now I know this could be seen as fixing, but it could also be seen as doing something kind which puts me in a good light) Yes I am building a life, I am off out right now actually (
was going to a g/friend for coffee before work)
H - Thank you for holding off on the payment.
Then we talked about s18 for a couple of tm
Me - Have a good weekend x
H - You too - apart from having to work
x
I know in DB world I was not supposed to ask him if he is OK or give him an inch on the money or add the sentiment, but as we are trying the "friendship" thing, I need to give on something.
These past tm I am ok with, just carrying on as normal, like he is just someone I know.
Anyway - enough of the h talk, he is just happening in the background atm - its all go with the GAL stuff, just been invited to another party and a couple of coffee dates. Then a girl I work with (who's party I was kidnapped from) told me she loves crafting and finding old stuff to recycle -snap
- so she is going to show me around the best secondhand places.
Today I bought some really cool fabric to make cushion covers with.
My stuff has arrived back in NZ and is clearing customs atm, so hopefully I will have it with me very soon. I have not seen it for 6 months while it went around the globe!!
Last shift tomorrow and then 2 days off. I am off to the pub Sunday afternoon with a new friend and then into town to have a pamper at the hairdressers on Monday.
Life is definitely looking up
Lou,
I think you handled the conversation via tm quite well. You were kind and willing to work w/him because of the accident. He sees that you are not vindictive and wish to punish him for his mistakes.
I'm glad to read that your belongings are now back on NZ soil! I'm sure you will be very happy to have your belongings back safe and sound. Have fun looking for things in the second hand shops. One person's trash is another person's treasures. I bet you will find some really cool stuff.
Enjoy your weekend!
Grrrrrr, vent time –
H rang s18 today, started to arrange s going to visit him. I overheard them discussing flight times and asked what they were doing – s18 explained and I asked what happened to him looking for a job so he stops getting behind in his rent – he answered “ I will look when I get back” – they were talking 4 weeks’ time for the visit so I was not happy. I am currently subsidising him and I struggle with that on my wages, plus he also owes me a lot of money that he has neglected to pay back, another reason for getting a job.
This did not deter s18 so I asked to speak to h, I explained why I was objecting to the visit, said it was because he struggles to pay the rent and that I am currently paying my half, plus all the bills and food, so to cover s half as well is impossible for me. H agreed with me, said he was not aware that s was not keeping up with rent and yes he needs to get work. I then said I can’t afford the other half of the flight yet, so h replied that he was paying the whole thing (yep, after he asked for a defer payment) and s was going to work it off by doing jobs around his house (good luck with that!), so I pointed out that while everything is up in the air with him its maybe not advisable to have s visit – h replied," she is away that week so it’s an ideal time, yes I know things have to change and soon and they are, I am just staying put because she allows me to stay here financially, that is all she is, I know that is really selfish of me." (you think!!)
I was so p@#$ed with this statement so I went against all non r talk and said “seriously, you know being with her affects how we interact” (this was because we discussed this as a boundary of our new friendship) h replied “yeah I know, things have to change” so I said “ I am not getting into this now, this is a conversation for another day” he said “yeah ok” . I passed him back to s ( I took the call away from s) and h talked to s about not coming down, that he agreed with me and perhaps he can come see him instead. That he needs to get work and needs to start paying rent regularly. He asked how much he owes and s mistook his question and ended up telling h that he owes 3 weeks rent plus the money he borrowed to buy a car, new clothes (after we had to throw his out when I came back), a speeding fine and fuel for his car (he called me from the gas station post top up!) – h was not impressed and did back me up – whether he thinks me right or wrong I am thankful for that.
So of course now s18 is not a happy chappy with me as it was me who said no and got his d to back me up. He has thrown a wobbly and now is moving out, leaving college, moving to his b or d, he is not going to find work out of principal blah blah blah
He will calm down, he is just venting and I know that, just normal teen stuff, I have been surviving the teen crazy for yrs now!
Is it too much to ask for a couple of days off this rollercoaster?!
Lou,
It never seems to end...does it? I'm sorry your son isn't being cooperative about a job search and repaying you. Given that he's in a snit, he'll runaway for a while and then return home. He needs to learn that people aren't going to take care of him forever and the only way to do that is to be broke and have no funds to spend. I do hope that he'll wise up and come to realize that you have been more than generous in helping him out.
As for your xh, I can't believe he's got money to spend for an airline ticket and yet, cried the blues to you about not having money to send you. Boy, that one takes the cake and either he thinks you are deaf and stupid or he didn't think you would pick up on that little tidbit so quickly. If he does fly out to where you are, I certainly would ask for the money he owes you. He certainly isn't hurting in the wallet as much as he has indicated if he can afford a flight.
I do hope that today will be a better day for you. Gosh, you need to catch a break from all of this crazy stuff.
Lou,
I had a similar situation with my daughter last winter. I took on a more expensive rent with her assurance she would contribute to the monthly expenses. When I signed the lease she was so excited because the townhouse had this spectacular view and everything we wanted. Anyway, she didn't fulfill her part of the bargain.
After 3 months, she left. I made it clear, if she chose to leave, she wouldn't receive financial help from me. She would be on her own.
Since this time, she has pulled things together for herself and things have settled down for me. In the five months since she left, she has worked two jobs, received a promotion to supervisor, re-enrolled in college, handled financial aid alone, has her classes scheduled, gotten herself an apartment, made some car repairs, even purchased some furniture!
I'm really proud. I'm still disappointed she couldn't see the potential here and follow through, but I'm accepting she had to do things her own way. And, things were very overwhelming here.
I would encourage you, based on my experience, to allow him figure this out on his own. Sometimes, I think, we lose sight of the positives of our situation because of the negative.
While not what I wanted for my daughter, this circumstance has made her stronger and forced her to learn some important life skills.
Just my two cents.
While I'm disappointed she
Thank you so much job and LoisB
After 3 months, she left. I made it clear, if she chose to leave, she wouldn't receive financial help from me. She would be on her own.
Unfortunately this is round 2 for s, he left home last year, set himself up, went to college, got government assistance and a job to top up his funds, then things started to slide and he eventually contacted me while I was overseas - he was living like a tramp, he was getting chest pains and palpitations, his c attendance was suffering and he was not eating as he had no money.
I came back and we got a flat together, I got him back on track and now 3 months later we are back to the beginning again. I know that underneath he is aware that living with me is his cushy option so he needs to sort himself out (because he told me the other day). He was just reacting and stomping his feet toddler style because he wanted to go away and I stopped it. If he wants to move out he can,I am not stopping him, but it does mean I will have to move too as I cant afford rent on my own, plus he was the reason I moved to this part of the country and have ended up working a dia disgusting job. I just got to keep him together for another 5 months, then college will be over and he can go do whatever he wants and I can move to wherever I want to.
As for your xh, I can't believe he's got money to spend for an airline ticket and yet, cried the blues to you about not having money to send you. Boy, that one takes the cake and either he thinks you are deaf and stupid or he didn't think you would pick up on that little tidbit so quickly. If he does fly out to where you are, I certainly would ask for the money he owes you. He certainly isn't hurting in the wallet as much as he has indicated if he can afford a flight.
Yes, well job, as he has already confessed to not having any money and being in debt so I know that the flight would have been put on the cc. He has dug himself a big hole financially, the latest being the purchase of a motorbike - his justification is that it is cheaper to run for work than the ute. I think its more a case of him not thinking at all, not that I am gullible.
What got me is his screwy thought process - to stay with ow as she is convenient, she keeps him financially afloat was his words - he is seriously messed up. In a way ( and its only a teeny weeny bit) I do feel sorry for her, I mean, she has been sucked into his crazy world, he feels nothing for her but she serves a purpose so he sticks with it, a means to an end - how can a guy do that, how can he feel nothing for someone yet carry on, be a user? I just shake my head in dismay. Its what he must have done with me before he gave me the ILYBIANILWY speech - so to see him repeat it again with someone else is an eye opener.
There is one thing for sure - hence the boundary I set about being friends - he is not going to have me as an emotional friend and her as his cook, cleaner, financial aid and bed buddy - that is NOT going to happen. He knows what he has to do for me to be in his life, I reinforced that yesterday, so now the ball is back in his court.
The other thing that hit me yesterday was when he said " I know, its selfish of me" in regards to staying with her because he can't be bothered to do the hard yards and get himself out of his hole - its the same thing he used to say to me about staying at home instead of going to college or getting a part time job - he used to stay "I love you being at home, I know, its selfish of me" - its patterns, its an easy life option.
This past few weeks, with the renewed contact and his confessions, his emotional ups and downs, hearing about the mess he has got himself into and his skewed view of the world has bought home to me that he is soooo lost, I have glimpses of the guy I m in his vulnerable moments, its heartbreaking to know he is still there and is struggling to pull himself free from the world he is in - the conflict and confusion he must be living with must be terrible.
Only he can break free from it, only he can change things - I hope that he is strong enough to find his way through, no matter what happens between us.
Last day off
back to work tomorrow. Not sure I will last much longer - the girl before me lasted 10 weeks before she said move me to a different department or I am leaving !! I have managed 4 so far lol. Some customers are just ferral and I am sick of beng treated like the lowest of the low by them. I think I have now cleaned up most things that can come out of a body - yep, in a supermarket
Have a good day everyone, I am so glad I am on this crazy ride with you all as companions, mwah mwah x
Update time:
Work has been full on, this week’s delights from the customers have resulted in me having a tetanus and diphtheria booster injection
– the job hunt continues ……..
Next weekend is my last shift at the motel – although I am not sure the owner believes I am actually leaving !
I caught up with some girlfriends for lunch today, it was a really lovely day, although the 2 ½ hr drive home in the rain and dark was not so nice. We have started planning our trip in Feb, set a date and decided on some places to visit. I know it’s still a while away, but it gives me something to look forward to and save for.
Update on h sitch:
He rang me again, spent an hour talking. Too much to write down so will give you the short version.
He and ow are really over, both of them know it, she is less accepting but understands that he doesn’t have any feelings for her. He said he has been sleeping in the spare room for the past couple of months. He has been away with work and they spend little time together so have agreed to meet up this weekend to discuss the moving out arrangements – both of them moving out of their current place. He is selling his Ute to cover the financial expenses and clear his debts.
He spoke about us, what he is feeling, his thoughts and fears. He asked where my head is regarding him and us since we last talked. We both agree that we are concerned that one of us may get hurt if this goes further than friendship for one of us and not for both of us and is it a gamble we want to take? Do we want to potentially ruin what we do have now …..
End result is that until he has completely left ow and got his own place our contact will remain as occasional texts and emails – as set by my boundary. Once in his own place we have agreed he will take some time to develop his own life as I have an independent life and he hasn’t and its important that
both of us have that. We will start slowly with developing a friendship, getting to know each other again, with the possibility (and it really is only a possible at this stage) of this moving into a relationship. We jointly have agreed that we will no longer date other people (he does not know I have not dated at all, and he said he has no interest in dating anyone else).
I change nothing – the no dating rule …ha ha, easy one to achieve. I don’t live anywhere near him so my independent life carries on as usual. If he wants this, then he will make it happen ….. the most important question right now is: Do I Want This - What Do I Want
The rollercoaster ride continues ....
Lou,
OMG... my mind boggles in respect of your customers. How do they do whatever it is they do????
Anyway... on a more serious note, I am always a little stunned to hear of the matter-of-fact way in which mlc-ers appear to make their returns.
For a long while I dreamed of the day that my previously loving H would come to his senses and re-approach me for a reconciliation. I would have screamed from the rooftops and exploded with joy, imagining it as some sort of miraculous moment.
But when you hear about it, it all seems to happen in a much more matter-of-fact way.
Thinking about things, it seems like a much more hopeful circumstance - that you can both discuss your concerns without getting all carried away with the high emotions that have characterised the journey to date.
Anyway, Lou, you just sound so in charge of your own life now.
I'm very glad for you. And that trip in Feb sounds like great fun!
Lou- Have to say that I have so much admiration for you. All along this journey you have been determined and graceful. Even now you are navigating this situation with a calm and measured approach to things.
I am glad you are doing what is best for you and keeping boundaries with H. It sure sounds like he is starting to reflect on things but then again who knows what is in their head. Reread DBusting and stay the course.
Sending you good vibes.
So, the grass is truly not greener on the other side, LOL. Very interesting turn of events… I would be asking myself the same question about “what do I want”. Lou, you are doing great, keeping everything in prospective. You go, girl! He will need to win you back!
Thanks NLW, Gwen and Bright, its so good to have the support and advice, it keeps me grounded.
Gwen - thanks for your kind words, it made me smile that you think me as acting gracefully ha ha, I can't see anything graceful about my actions really, I seem to blunder from one thing to another but as time goes on I find the amusing side to it all rather than seeing everything as a complete disaster and life out to get me.
My arm is painful after the jab, I was told it would be a couple of days being sore as it sits under the skin - my malaysian friend told me to rub hot cooked rice on it - something about the starch and warmth moving the blood flow under the skin, apparently it works for bruises also. Will try it this morning and let you know if it works !
Been another busy week at work. I asked our HR person when I can apply for other depts and he told me if I decide where I want to go then he can keep me in mind - although he did say that my supervisor and the store manager would have to approve it and as I am doing a good job they may not want to let me go just yet ...typical really, if I don't do a good job then I wont be considered for a move, but if I do a good job they wont want to let me go -hmmmm.
Its all quiet on the h front - I asked him for space to process the latest and he has given it. I go around in circles about what it is I want to do and what I can honestly handle. I think the main issue is FEAR. Fear of me getting hurt again, of me falling for him and him not feeling the same about me, fear that a future with him will take some of "me" away, fear that I will change. Is he really the best partner for me - is there/could there be better out there ......
I have already had to check myself a few times - I have thoughts about what I want to do next year and I find myself thinking "how would that fit in if we were to get back together", like where I move to next, if I want to study where would it be, would me travelling for a few months be an issue. He has already said that he really can't move because he has only just started a new job and it would not look good for his c.v if he leaves so soon and he also knows I intend to move in November anyway so its not like I am giving anything up for him as it was planned before he contacted me- he asked me to think carefully about it as it's a big ask - but I cant see how we can build anything if we don't even live on the same island!
He said he does not want to dangle a carrot and make promises he cant keep; at least he is being honest in the fact he has no idea how he feels about me - whether its in a friend capacity or wanting it to be more. All he does know is he thinks about me a lot more and feels differently - he had feelings for her when he last saw me so he felt nothing for me, no physical attraction at all, he remembers that and is worried that still stands for him.
To be honest this is worse that not having him in my life at all. At least I knew where I stood and as hard and painful that was, it was just about grieving for my lost marriage, processing what happened and building a new life for myself. Now I have this scramble of emotions, doubts, fears, questions and a terrible case of "what if's".
He said I can ask him anything and he will try to answer as best he can. I dont have any questions - until I know if this is just friendship or more I dont need to know anything, I feel if we are to have chance then I have to draw a line under the past year or it will move forward with us into the future. Can I get past what he did to us, has done in the past year and the things he has said - idk.
Another busy week at work, I am shattered. Next week my new schedule starts, more work in the same amount of time - these schedules have clearly been made up by someone who has never done my job!!
My supervisor told me I am the best cleaner she has had - yep, that is because I am the only one who has been able to consistently complete my tasks - and generally pick up the slack from the other cleaner as if I didn't then my shift looks bad.
So tomorrow is my first day off - no motel work, it will be ....strange ... I am looking forward to it, although must make sure I go and do something and not just veg out which is what I feel like doing.
On the h front - very confusing and almost given up really. Its a game I am not sure I want to play anymore and I don't understand the rules and am fairly sure at this point that I am going to lose. I text him last Friday - yep, I know what you are now yelling at your screen "noooooooo" but the reason I did t was to see how I felt doing it - was I comfortable doing it - and to see how he reacted to it. It was just a "Hi, how's your week been" text, he replied and I told him about my injury and injection. He replied that he hoped I was ok. We talked about Jnr s and he then said he was having the "talk" with ow that weekend and he expected it to be ok as they were both on the same page. I told him to be strong and follow through.
Then this week - nothing. Until today. H text - Morning (inset sunshine symbol here), how's your week been? - I replied and asked him how the "talk" went:
h "Did not go as planned, seems it is just me that has given up entirely. Still a working progress"
m: So what does that mean? Are you trying to mend things"
h "we are not supposed to be talking about this ...no not mending things, just did not follow your advise and remain strong so have to do it all over again"
m " sorry I asked but you know my boundary and when it comes to you I don't want to play games"
h" I know"
I then changed the subject, we talked about sx2, his parents who have emailed me a few times over the past couple of weeks and his weekend plans.
I work with mainly males and over the past few weeks they have asked my story and all have said they are shocked and what an idiot h is he he. I have mentioned the recent contact and they are all of the opinion that it is not normal male behaviour to leave someone and then want to be so friendly with them a year later - Then I have my female friends saying - RUN - that he is using me as things have not turned out as he hoped they would -
I don't want to be his "friend" - heck I am not sure I even want to be his w anymore. But these mixed messages are driving me crazy - loopy - la la. Life was so much better knowing where I stood - which was nowhere in his life.
anyway, onwards and forwards. 2 days off to look forward to :o)
Love n hugs to all you DB'ers out there xx
I have mentioned the recent contact and they are all of the opinion that it is not normal male behaviour to leave someone and then want to be so friendly with them a year later
Maybe not in MLC world. They don’t know…
Then I have my female friends saying - RUN - that he is using me as things have not turned out as he hoped they would -
Well, what is he using you for? As a shoulder to cry on? I know so well these kinds of “advices”.
It does sound pretty bizarre (read MLC) for him to discuss his R with ow with you. He is one messed up man. And, obviously, he is not cocked yet. At the same time, from reading about MLC stages and affairs, it looks pretty “normal”. I mean the process of breaking up with OW. It is going to take some time. And if you push and press, and even ask questions, it is going to take a lot longer. I would stay detached and pretend that I just don’t care. Keep him at a distance. I think you gave him an idea that you are open for communication, but also set the boundaries. It is now up to him to deal with whatever he needs to deal to maintain the friendship with you, and maybe hope for something more. You can always say "no more".
Enjoy your days off!
If there is one thing I have learned is nothing is too crazy in the world of MLC. Most people who are not nor have ever deal with it try and see it through a rational perspective. Their advice is based on the rational perspective. What we know is there is nothing rational about it nor will there be till the person comes through it and gets to a place where they start to see their own actions in a rational way. The best advice is to not read anything into it, keep some space, and keep working on yourself.
Lou,
Until people have to experience MLC or deal w/a MLCer, they do not and will not understand that it's an emotional crisis. There is absolutely nothing normal and/or rational about someone in crisis.
Life Twists has stated it very well, "the advice is based on the rational perspective". MLCers aren't rational. All any of us can do is give them plenty of space and time to figure things out and at the end of the day, YOU are the one that will determine what YOU want, i.e., be friends and/or reconcile.
Thank you Bright, LT and job
I do sometimes question if this is a mlc as my h has gone from no contact to being open about everything, pretty much no subject is off the table if I wish - yet he only wants friendship from me ...but then he flirts and is cheeky .... see confusing right - its like being teenagers again - perhaps I should ask my BF to ask his BF, oh wait, I am his BF ahhhhhhh Funny Day :o)
Joking aside I am ok, just trying not to get sucked in, which is easier said than done some days. I still remain on my own path, making plans for future trips and this weekend I really need to think about what I am going to do for work as I really dont want to remain in my job.
Ok an eventful morning so thought I would share with you my mini update -
ow has discovered (snooping at h phone and putting 2&2 together and coming up with 6) that h has an ow - who turns out to be ...me! Hilarious.
He told me this morning and said that they have her kids there this weekend so she is brewing and he is waiting for her to blow - I would so love to have a front seat to this one : will he
a) man up and tell the truth
b) tell some doozer lie to cover up the contact or
c) do something completely different
Answers on a postcard please :o)
It's quite amusing that she sees me as a threat - I have remained completely out of their lives/r so she must have some serious trust issues. I also find it a little bit naughty, I mean, me being the ow , ha ha ha ha, if only it were true.
He said he will ring me tomorrow - that's if he survives, sleep with one eye open I say ...chuckling away to myself .....
Hahaha… Lou, you made my day… No, it is night right now… No kidding, he has a contact with the Mother of HIS kids (thus, you cannot be completely out of their lives… ever)…I know there is more to this, but just cannot resist to stab at the stupidity and ignorance of the OW. And not just this one, any OW in general…
Lou, I would love to have that front seat next to you, LOL. I would have some fireworks ready, when she blows … Just to compliment the show…
Thanks Bright - you are most welcome for the show, you supply the fireworks and I will supply the popcorn.
The texts she saw had nothing to do with our sx2, they did not imply anything improper going on either, unless you count cheeky banter ;o) ....... which I suppose does look suspicious; your partner and his ex exchanging friendly texts lol.
She said she expects him to tell her every time we have contact and as soon as it happens and what the contact was about - paranoid or what !! Actually, she is right to be, but not my problem, that's what you get for hooking up with a m guy just out of a very long relationship. Duh.
I feel free tonight, its so calming to know that h is going through a crazy scene and emotional madness whilst I am curled up on my couch watching tv without a care - my only worry is which flavour chocolate to have :o)
End of another week and thought I would give you an update
H told ow the text was me asking for his help with s18 - which technically was not a lie, only that happened a few days before her discovery!
She said she accepted that we have to have contact about our c but she is not happy we talk about anything else and it's not normal ex behaviour for me to be friendly towards him and him with me .....ha ha ha, hilarious, she knows her man so little.
By Wednesday I was over the game, done, finished. So when he text me and said that she sees me as a threat I replied
"she has a point; if you look back over recent texts between us they are cheeky bordering on flirty, this is not normal ex's communication. I don't feel that us being friends is going to work any longer, as any future relationships you have will always see me as a threat"
h replied - "there is only one future relationship I am interested in and us being friends is kinda important in that one x"
I replied "nice answer. Get out of your current one first huh"
Yesterday (friday) I got another text from h
H - Work going great, I am working on some exciting new projects. Home is ok - I had the talk last night, all cool, calm and collected at the moment, she is moving out when she returns from visiting her brother next week x"
I replied, just saying that I am pleased work is going well and happy for him that she has accepted his decision this time.
So now the ball is firmly back in his court. I need to make sure we don't go too quickly for both me and his sake - its easy to get caught up in the "romance" of it all and not see the bigger picture. Baby steps and lots of time. Thankfully we live in different places so we have to take things slowly, start with being friends again, getting to know each other to see if we even like the new versions of us - obviously there is a connection there but we need to establish if it is just a case of history and familiarity or is it true love and desire to be together.
2 days off starting tomorrow - I am going out with a g/friend on Monday, she is going to take me to all the good op-shops. I just love em' - one persons trash is another persons treasure.
Have a great weekend everyone -
WOW!
Lou, this sounds so clear-headed of you.
I am very pleased to hear how things are working out.
And the best part - you will be OK no matter what. It stands out like a sore thumb!
Lou, I love reading your updates. You keep your cool, and give us the insight of MLCer, who discovered that grass is actually not that green on the other side, LOL. I love it! You are doing great! Take is slow, as you already know… I have all the confidence in you!
NLW and Bright - you are my cheerleaders and keep me grounded, so thank you so much.
Yesterday h and I were texting from lunchtime to bedtime, its been a very long time since we have done that.
We talked about everything and anything, it was nice.
One thing he asked was what my plans are for the next few months. I told him my two options -neither included him. He text back
h: none of your decisions or possible decisions mention me or us I see. Not saying that you should make plans around me but thought one might have something to do with it
m: I don't presume anything. You know I am interested, I have made no secret of that, but I am not going to jump in - if we decide that we want to move forwards with us then of course I am open to other options. This is your party, I am waiting for an invite, whether I rsvp is my choice
He is starting to see that I was not the whole cause of his unhappiness. One thing he left me for was because he felt I stopped him from making lots of friends - he has been gone over a year and made 0 new friends - um, I don't think he can blame me for this one anymore.
Interestingly we touched on the subject of his friends, that they have not been in touch with him since he left me - I said they were probably shocked about the split and that he replaced me so quickly, they did not know what to say to him - he replied " very few people knew about ow, I did not tell anyone and did not put anything on fb about her/us, not even photos. I wonder why, was she not at the time, the love of his life?
I asked him what has changed, why now - he said : I don't know what has changed. Have thought hard to find the specific thing/things and not come up with anything concrete. I believe I will, just not at the moment. All I know is that I think about you a lot more and worry about you - not so much because of guilt of putting you in this situation, but because I really care about you.
There really does sound some genuine thinking from him. I can't put it into words, but I feel a bit detached from this - like it is not real. IDK, perhaps its non belief we are having these conversations, or maybe it's the fear of getting hurt - I do have a huge worry that we will eventually meet up and he will not have that physical rush for me - or me for him. - but that is a way down the road yet, so should not overthink things before I am faced with them.
So thats all from me today - just carrying on - still making my plans without including him in them - just now more aware of changing them ...or finding a compromise ... omg, I have pleased myself for a year now, so to have to think of someone else again ......
My thread is nearing 100 so I thought I would make this the last update, its fitting as a new chapter in my story is beginning.
I need to get this out of me, it’s been bottled up and gets added to regularly at the moment. I can’t talk to my girlfriends about it and know that here is a safe and understanding place to be. I apologise for this being so long.
So here goes: Work is much the same, not happy but plodding along until I come up with a plan b. I got my appraisal this week, I wanted to beat my friend who sits on the top of the leader board with 80%, I got …….86% booyah lol. No criticism of my performance just that I have set myself a high standard to continue to live up to.
Things with s18 came to a head and I found out he was being withdrawn from college, he had been leaving in the morning but not attending. He was going down the typical teen boy route of parties, drinking, girls and cars which was becoming a real problem for me to deal with on my own, especially with my work hours. After yet another bad night with him I gave in and rang h, told he that s18 really needs male role models in his life before he goes down a path we cannot get him back from, he stepped up immediately, said put him on a plane and he and s21 would have him for a while. He left last weekend, lives with s21 and already has found work through an agency. So fingers crossed all works out with him.
So to my meltdown head explosion bit. H - this is the shortened version !
Then today happened. So h let me know that the house had fallen through. I asked about ow moving out and he replied that neither of them were any closer to finding somewhere but there are more open homes this weekend. He asked how I am as we had not spoken for a few days. I replied and a few texts went back and forth. I asked how he is doing – then it all happened.
H: As for me and how things are, I'm seeing a psychotherapist as I felt overwhelmed and want to understand what I am feeling and why. I need to assure myself that I am not reacting and risk hurting others. That is the last thing I want to do. For me it’s a sanity check on my thoughts, I am not going so to change my intentions (us). I would describe myself as very confused. What are you thinking?
So I did it, I laid it all out there, I said I was sad he was feeling this way and hope that things become clearer for him so he can enjoy life again. Then I went on to say how I was feeling, how I have always felt about him, that I made a promise to him 24yrs ago and stand by it, that I love him, miss him and care for him and I want him to be happy. (This is the shortened version).
He thanked me for being open. Apologised for all that is happening and the confusion he is causing, that he is working on it. That he seriously does not know how he feels about anything. He has fears over us, that we are now two very different people with separate experiences and expectations for the future. He feels that we have been through so much over the years and survived it, that I am to him, like he to me, his lobster (it’s a term from Friends, Ross and Rachel are lobsters, they mate for life) H is upset he is causing me more harm and hates the way he is and who he has become.
I replied that he is only human and needs to be kind to himself (ha ha) And yes I am different now, stronger and less fearful of life. I asked about this relationship ban, is it still what he wants.
H : I won’t be starting any new relationships. I want to sort out the ones I have – not all romantic, it includes the boys, friends and family. On the back of my indecisiveness you need to look out for you. Tell me at any time that what I am doing/not doing is not acceptable.
I asked him if the physical side is over with him and ow (something that has bothered me) only honesty will take us forwards, even as just friends.
H: its over and in the interest of honestly I would prefer it wasn’t, that is also part of my therapy.
Then he started talking about his s/drive and how its gone through the roof since leaving, that he never cheated or even considered cheating on me but its taken all his willpower to not to cheat on her.
H:I feel it has taken over my life. I was seeking a hedonistic young free and single life. I don’t know what is driving this, be it mid life crisis or chemical imbalance but it’s a real problem. I feel ashamed telling you this but I want you to be aware.
Me: I don’t know when or why your feeling and thoughts for me came back, perhaps I am your lobster, perhaps I am not. I appreciate that you are very lost right now and I am safely, but if you realise that I am nothing more than that I would appreciate you being up front with me.
H: you may be right, I would swear you’re not, but until I better understand myself I have no way of assuring you that it is not just a safety thing. With absolute double standards can I ask a question : What has been your physical status over the past year?
Me: me myself and I ha ha. I had a couple of offers but could not bring myself to. If you are with others, then please make sure you protect yourself.
H: I am not wanting to be out there all over the place, hence trying to work it out with the shrink, but thanks for safe se# talk lol. The last thing I want to do is give you hope without knowing that all is well in my noggin and its just down to you and I feeling the same way about each other at the same time. I am so sorry for being so messed up.
Me: ok thanks for the honesty. Nothing has changed, you have asked for my support and I give it freely. What will be the status with you and ow when you finally leave. And why did you want to know about my physical activity, curiosity or something else? Why did it end with ow?
H: Once we move, that’s it, no f/b friends etc. We were trying to be the person we thought the other wanted and got into an unhappy place, no communication and the physical fizzled out. I wanted to know about you to see how I felt, I am worried it would be an issue for me, it is double standards, especially given who I have been.
Me: your funny. How do you think you would have felt had I said yes? Somehow I think if we can get through this we will be indestructible.
H: I think you may be right. Catch up again tomorrow xx
I don't know how to keep going forwards, I feel like I want to run, that I can't do this. I want so much to support him, especially as he now seems to recognise that he has problems and is getting help for them. I see him being concerned for me and that I should protect myself, but I am not sure how this is possible, I am either in or out - in for the long haul or not. I really hate the limbo, the not knowing that after all this, even if I see this through to the end, that we still may not make it - that he may discover that we are not what he wants after all -
Lou,
I'm very sorry about your son, but at least his father and older brother have him under their wings now. He was a lost soul, confused and probably acting out because of how he's been feeling w/the situation. True, typical teenage behavior, but then again you do have to wonder if some of his behavior wasn't trigged by what his father has done. I'm hoping and praying that being w/his father and older brother will help him to bond w/the males in his life and he can get his act together. I do think you did the right thing in ringing up his father about the situation.
As for your h, he's trying to be honest w/you about what is going on w/him. You'll need to detach a bit more and continue to treat him as you would a friend. If you become emotionally involved w/him during this time, his roller coaster will drag you down to the bottom w/him. You can be there to listen and support him, but keep your expectations at zero. It sounds like he's starting to question himself, his life and what he has done and continues to do. This is a good step in the right direction...but he's still go a ways to go and no one knows what he will decide to do.
Please be careful...try to remember that you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. He's got to do that all on his own. Keep your expectations at zero and continue moving forward. If he wants to be a part of your life again, he will find a way to catch up, earn your trust and respect once again.
Thanks job, I needed to hear this right now.
I am pretty much at an all time low. I came back to NZ to help my sons out who were in a mess. I took on a flat and found a job so I could make sure s18 was safe and stayed in college. Now all that is gone, I feel a failure that I could not get s18 to stay the course, but happy with myself that I recognized that he needed more help than I could give him and took action.
This leaves me with a flat I can't afford, a job I don't like in an area I don't want to live in, with only a couple of friends here. I know that the answer staring me in the face is to Move, but I feel its not that simple.
I have no family to lean on, my friends are dotted around the country and whilst very dear to me and supportive, I appreciate they have their own lives and families. My family is all but gone now, my brother and father no longer have contact with me, I have tried on a few occasions since returning to NZ and neither reply.
I feel absolutely alone in the world right now, I feel extremely lost. If I move near to my sons then I am moving near h and that may not be a good thing to do right now. I have thought of taking time out to travel a bit, but really can't afford it and saving is impossible now I am paying for everything on the flat by myself. Moving means I am taking on a yr lease and am I really wanting to commit to that, plus it means trying to find a job again and I was not exactly inundated with offers the last time - 1 !!
I think that when h came out of the woodwork and he started talking reconciliation I started to feel happy that MY family was being put back together. I am of course happy for him that he now recognises that he is going through something, needs help and is doing so, he sounds like he really hates who he has become and genuinely wants this to stop. I will always have that hope that what he currently feels for me is real and it stays with him through this process.
I know I need to kick start my own life again and keep it going forward. I don't think its stood still, even with this it moves forward, just in a different way. H knows I want to move, he knows I need to change things in my world, but I really don't know what is the best thing to do anymore. Like I said, I am lost and alone.
Wow Lou! I can relate!
Keep the faith. ;-)
Lou - get a roommate to share the apartment and expenses. Look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on how to trim your expenses so that you can start a little savings. You're wise not to tie yourself down to a longer lease at present. Take some time to build up a little nest egg, then you can decide where to go in the future.
I feel your pain about S18, but he IS an adult, and sometimes they have to make their own mistakes before they can grow up. All 3 of mine struggled after the divorce, but they are finally getting things together a few years later.
I'm sorry to hear about your father and brother - why don't they respond to you? When did your troubles with those relationships begin? Do you have cousins or aunts/uncles you could reach out to instead? Sometimes family iS a comfort, but then again, sometimes it's the friends you make that are LIKE family that really become your family over time.
As for your H - I think you're handling your interactions with him well, although I would have left him wondering a bit about his question about whether you had been with anybody. He doesn't need to know you're trusty Plan B, always waiting. It's be good for him to have to worry a bit about the possibility of you dating. Maybe next time he calls, cut it short, saying you have to get ready to go out dancing with your girlfriend. That'll make him think.
Also - be aware, this may only be a brief moment with your H. He might pop right back into his tunnel, or decide it's better to move on to casual sex with young tramps. Don't let him derail you from keeping the focus on YOUR life. If he's sincerely coming back, HE'LL do the work to make that happen.
Thank you Lois and kml
Lou - get a roommate to share the apartment and expenses. Look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on how to trim your expenses so that you can start a little savings. You're wise not to tie yourself down to a longer lease at present. Take some time to build up a little nest egg, then you can decide where to go in the future.
I don't really want to get a room mate as I don't intend to be here much longer so it would not be fair on them. I am pretty much down to the bare minimum of everything, even don't have much furniture as we could not afford it. My bills are low as I am at work most of the time, I dont even put the heating on!
I'm sorry to hear about your father and brother - why don't they respond to you? When did your troubles with those relationships begin? Do you have cousins or aunts/uncles you could reach out to instead? Sometimes family iS a comfort, but then again, sometimes it's the friends you make that are LIKE family that really become your family over time.
My father can't be bothered with me, I am the girl and he is all about his son, the one who looks after (lives off) his business so that he can live abroad. My brother; we fell out when I went to the UK to stay for a while to get over h, his psycho partner ripped shreds out of me verbally and threw me out, he just stood by and watched, he is completely afraid of her, in the end he asked me to apologize, I did nothing wrong so said no, and he has not spoken to me since. The village we lived in backed me up and helped me out, saying she is crazy. I don't have contact with any other family, they are an odd bunch my family, its of no loss to me I assure you !! Yes my girlfriends are fabulous, I could not have made it through as far as I have without them, I am humbled to have them in my life. Unfortunately most of them are in the UK and the NZ ones are now scattered around, I do make friends easily and have a couple of good ones here, but not "true" girlfriends who I would remain in contact with when I move. Thank goodness for skype and internet !! I don't talk about h much, they are all of the opinion that he is the devil and I should go find someone else who deserves me lol.
As for your H - I think you're handling your interactions with him well, although I would have left him wondering a bit about his question about whether you had been with anybody. He doesn't need to know you're trusty Plan B, always waiting. It's be good for him to have to worry a bit about the possibility of you dating. Maybe next time he calls, cut it short, saying you have to get ready to go out dancing with your girlfriend. That'll make him think.
Also - be aware, this may only be a brief moment with your H. He might pop right back into his tunnel, or decide it's better to move on to casual sex with young tramps. Don't let him derail you from keeping the focus on YOUR life. If he's sincerely coming back, HE'LL do the work to make that happen
Last week h and I were talking about honesty and building trust again, we agreed on full disclosure - anything I want to know he will tell me, no matter if he thinks it will hurt me or cause me to walk away, and the same goes for him. He has been as much as I can tell honest with everything so far, even adding things in that I never asked about. He has asked me several things and I have been honest with him, it goes both ways. Some of the things he has told me has stung and I have tried to remain detached from it and not dwell on it, knowing that he is seriously messed up (admitted to by himself), he does not recognise the person he is and hates himself right now. He knows I go out, he also goes out, tonight he took her kids (and most likely her) to see Minions at the movies, he gave the information freely, he said he really wanted to see the movie but felt weird, an old man going to a kids movie - dodgy ha ha, so he borrowed her kids. I know about it, he is free to do as he pleases, including hooking up with randoms, but if he does that and I find out then its bye bye Lou. He knows this and that is why he is working with the shrink to find out why this has happened and hopefully cease the crazy thoughts and needs. He does want me back but is afraid that its not real, its the crisis talking, so as it stands we are a only a possible.
I am very aware that this has to come from him, he is scared of everything right now and keeps looking to me for stability, I know that I am possibly his safety person and that is what is keeping us both from going any further. He is working with a shrink to unravel this mess, it will take time and he has asked me repeatedly to protect myself from him, to keep moving along with my own life. I am trying hard to carry on when I have no clue as to what to do next in my own journey, I seem to be at a point of "nothingness". No ideas are coming forth right now. I know they will, they always do.
Link to my new thread as I am nearly at 100
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2591067&#Post2591067