Old thread Locked ... time for another ... Joy to the world and all.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2513483#Post2513483I realize there were some replies on the old thread ... I have been a bit busy over the weekend and there has been some 'action' that I need to get out .... I also realize I am long winded but I think its mostly me trying to purge the chit out and get it off my chest so I can continue to focus and grow on a personal level.
So Thursday night I lost my phone ... 3rd one in 4 months. W had jumped back on my plan to save money ... changed the passwords and user name ( so I would not snoop I suspect ) .... so after a very frustrating day I finally got a new one, first she could not recall the passwords ... then I could not make the purchase due to the outstanding balance .. looks like she had not paid the bill in 2-3 months ... just a very frustrating day.
So everything went well over the weekend .. I was busy .. but felt I accomplished some stuff ... W was a bit chatty about S Sat morning ... I stayed focused and was dim for the most part, avoiding the Holiday Gloom.
Now the 'event' ... so I TM W Sunday morning and let her know I was going to mass, would pick up S arounf 10:30 or so .. she told me she was still sick ... I swung by and grabbed her some soup .. no expectations .. just felt it was a nice thing to do .. thats it. Took S to the movies .. he too is sick with whatever bug they have. W TM during the movie asking how S was ... then called as we were leaving. Asked me to talk where S would not hear .. so I gave S the ipad and let him play in the car as her and I talked about his Christmas list ... THEN she tells me .. "I want to tell you something that is going to make you mad but I do not want S to be the one telling you.
So Saturday night she had OM and his 2 kids over as they all put together a ginger bread house .... yeah .. gut punch. I took that part 'ok' ... then she explains that as they left OM gave her a kiss goodbye and S seen it. Here is where I spun and backslid a bit .. I mean its one thing to be selfish .. have your affiar ... ruin our family .. but now you expose our S to the whole thing .... yes it upsets me .. and I am no where near detached enough for that not to pull at my strings .. not sure I would ever get there whne my S is exposed to this. So all day/night and this mornign has been a spew rainstorm from W ... back to all this being my fault, re-written history, all my issues ... I admittedly threw some truth darts her way ... along with a good bucket of guilt ... she threatens the D ... but I know she can not afford this so I just deflect knowing I have more time to wait this out ... I told her divorcing me does not remove the scarlet letter ... yeah .. all the MLC's not to do's ... judgement, guilt, pressure .. I applied em a bit. I do not feel any better but there is a point I was not going to be bashed and made out like this is all my fault.
So ... major setback ... however ... last night as I went to bed I realzed ... this event would have had me up all night but I reminded myself I gave it all to God ... I actually slept well. She made this mess, I can not help her ... but sadly I can not protect my son from OM and W's affair ... we all get to suffer for her actions ... I am not sure what lesson I am to learn from all this ... so I sit quietly on this rock and await an answer of what I am to do.
I was thinking maybe a Christmas miracle ... not exactly what I had in mind. But if anything ... its not stagnant .. W did express she was very upset S seen what he seen .... however I think that guilt will soon blow over to this entitlement she feels she deserves. I am not happy at the moment .. but this too will pass.
So Saturday night she had OM and his 2 kids over as they all put together a ginger bread house .... yeah .. gut punch. I took that part 'ok' ... then she explains that as they left OM gave her a kiss goodbye and S seen it. Here is where I spun and backslid a bit .. I mean its one thing to be selfish .. have your affiar ... ruin our family .. but now you expose our S to the whole thing .... yes it upsets me .. and I am no where near detached enough for that not to pull at my strings .. not sure I would ever get there whne my S is exposed to this. So all day/night and this mornign has been a spew rainstorm from W ... back to all this being my fault, re-written history, all my issues ... I admittedly threw some truth darts her way ... along with a good bucket of guilt ... she threatens the D ... but I know she can not afford this so I just deflect knowing I have more time to wait this out ... I told her divorcing me does not remove the scarlet letter ... yeah .. all the MLC's not to do's ... judgement, guilt, pressure .. I applied em a bit. I do not feel any better but there is a point I was not going to be bashed and made out like this is all my fault.
Well, you certainly allowed her to make you the old Cali...
So, what good did the "truth darts" do ??
Help you feel better ?
Help your Son understand it better ?
Cali, please understand that there comes a time, when you have to allow them to "own" their actions....
Let them carry all of their own luggage through life. And also, please understand that all you have done here, is allow her to hand you all of that luggage , once again, to carry for her...
Now, instead of her actions causing her to feel all guilty and stuff, she can redirect her anger towards you.
Is that what you want ??
Her truth is VERY different from your truth about the past.
What she feels is very different from what you feel..
Are you wrong with what you feel and think ???
Could I convince you that you are ???
Cause that is what you are trying to do with her every time that you argue emotions and feelings...
Moving forward ? Yea, just stop...
I was thinking maybe a Christmas miracle ... not exactly what I had in mind. But if anything ... its not stagnant .. W did express she was very upset S seen what he seen .... however I think that guilt will soon blow over to this entitlement she feels she deserves. I am not happy at the moment .. but this too will pass.
Nope....no miracles happening this year...
Although I will say this...
What YOU do this year, will pay dividends, next year...
Mach
You are right and this possibly might be the straw for me to let her go and do her thing .. there is no quick fix in this ... I am disappointed in all the work I have done up to this point was tossed out in a matter of 30 minutes.
She does not love me, does not want our family, and nothing I can do will change that at this point. I fear rope drop time is long over due ... focus on me and what I can control .. the primal "protect" my son string I did not see coming and was not prepared for ... am I surprised of all this .. no. Just tired of the lies and deception.
Admit I backslid .. and pick myself up and start again. Like the saying goes ... fall down 7 times get up 8.
You are right and this possibly might be the straw for me to let her go and do her thing .. there is no quick fix in this ...
No, it won't be....
You will want it to be, and you will say that it is, yet you will dust yourself off, and get back on the horse for another ride...
I am disappointed in all the work I have done up to this point was tossed out in a matter of 30 minutes.
Hardly....
It was an emotional based spew, one that she probably won't remember in a few days....
Nothing is hinged on a single conversation or event....
She does not love me, does not want our family, and nothing I can do will change that at this point. I fear rope drop time is long over due ... focus on me and what I can control .. the primal "protect" my son string I did not see coming and was not prepared for ... am I surprised of all this .. no. Just tired of the lies and deception.
Today....
She feels that way today, or hell, maybe she doesn't, who the hell knows...
So stop playing the victim card here with this.
The lies and deception only affect you, as long as you allow them to.
Is she lying about your Son ??
Then kick it to the curb, and worry about more important things....
Admit I backslid .. and pick myself up and start again. Like the saying goes ... fall down 7 times get up 8.
So stop that schidt then....
And 7 or 8 can happen on a GOOD day buddy....
Thank you Mach for reeling me in and putting things into perspective. You are spot on .. most likely this will be forgotten just as the last itme .. and time before that.
It was a rather emotional spew from her .. its been awhile since she has done this, I did listen, validate .. even tried to clear some mis-conceptions up knowing I was fighting a futile battle I decided to let it go knowing at that point anything I said would fall on deaf ears or make matters worse.
It was a rather emotional spew from her .. its been awhile since she has done this,
Well...
It's probably been a while since she needed you to be a total ass, so that she can feel better about herself....
(Not sayin that you were either, it's about the image that they have in their heads....right?)
She was feeling poorly about a choice that she made/is making...
She wants to feel better about her choices and decisions...
She has a scapegoat for her choices....(all she has to do is to wind her scapegoat up, and watch him scurry about in circles)...
Mix in 1/4 cup aggression, 1/2 cup of confusion, add maybe just a touch of alcohol, then water...
Tap the magic hat....
And Presto !!!
Instant gratification !!!! (cause it CAN'T be her fault)
What happens, if said Goat, stops cranking that blender ???
Lol ... yeah .. looks like I am the key ingredient for MLC stew .... She needs to go vegetarian on that bowl next time.
Lol ... yeah .. looks like I am the key ingredient for MLC stew .... She needs to go vegetarian on that bowl next time.
Yea...I am with ya there
Look Cali, you are gonna slip up occasionally, and that is okay.
You just gotta quit letting these "in the moment" conversations take you down...
Stop looking toward her, for your answers....
You can't lead from behind...(and I am talking about leading you and your Son, not her. IF she follows, then that is on her)
So focus....
A 7(?) year old's Christmas....
Man...what a time of the year huh ???
What is your vision of Magic with him ???
I think if anything I have the biggest problem with the push/pull dance .. and I have sadly let all my cards out on the table .. I want the M, want the W want the family and she knows it ... so there is no reason for her to look inward .. she gets the OM and all he provides and can still have me and what I provide on the side. So ... tis the season I need to pull out and let her swim alone. Her choice not mine .. time for me to make my own waves regardless if she drowns or not.
So yeah as far as S7 Christmas ... W seems to be buying her way out of guilt ... I am not doing this .. I feel bad for the kid but its not my choice and out of my hands ... Quality time is more what I have been about with him .. not stuffing his room with toys and superficial junk.
I was thinking about taking him to this nice little spot but decided not to as it was always W and I's place to go ... part of me still wants to go, because it is fun .. a rare spot for ice skating out here ... still thinking about that one. I only have him Christmas Day ... so we will do the gifts that morning and I figure a nice dinner out somewhere/ or maybe I cook us a couple thick steaks and we watch a movie. ... just enjoy the time together.
Hiya Luke.
Took a little spin on the ride, I see. Bit dizzy I would imagine.
I get that it hurt about the om and the kiss and whatever the heck else.
So, I am not gonna to beat a dead horse here. I see you and my bud, Mach, went round some.
She is going to keep giving you tickets for that ride as long as you continue to reach the height requirements.
I say...get the heck off of it. Let her keep her tickets and her foolishness.
I am sorry your son may have been hurt, though, I am not sure he really understands what is going on.
But, yea, you cant shield him from her stupidness, unfortunately.
What you can do is continue to model how a man is supposed to act. What you can do is show him how to act with dignity and strength. Those things matter, Luke. They matter a great deal.
She is doing what she is doing. Her choices. Her consequences. Im thinking that its time for you to take care of Luke and your boy.
Yes, it was a nice thing to do to go and get her soup. But, um, she needs to figure out how to take care of herself, ya know?
No more Luke coming in for the rescue.
Natural consequences for her..leave her to them.
Dont pick up her bricks..worry about your own.
So, back on your path you go. Dont keep letting her knock you off of it.
Thanks Ur ... what no poem? ... lol .. I thoughougly laughed at the time .. but then .. well yeah Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
She is in spew mode since ... like Mach said .. making me the evil one to justify her actions .. wished me dead, all that ... honestly it phased me little. I am at the point I think I need to just go NC ..... even dark when it does concern our son .. she used the "its an emergency" line on me yesterday, not that I fell for it .. but I did warn her she should not do that as when it actually is one I will not be in contact.
New year is coming, I think I am done with her for a bit ... thing is I am not so hurt about "the kiss" ... I figured they are way past that ... I am upset S has to be exposed to this mess, and made uncomfortable in a place he should feel safe ... but yeah ... its her choice and I can do little to sheild him .. the fixer and protector in me can not make that right. The thing that hurt .. was her S OM and his 2 boys making Christmas memories ... its like I died and am being forced to witness this ... she seems to have to hurt me on purpose with all this. So .. yeah ... I allow her to hurt me, I have had enough hurt this past year ... so 2015 ... no Mas .. she can do her thing and figure her own chit out. I am moving on with my life and what I feel is right .... eyes ahead ... focus ... I know there are going to be bumps in my road . but I do know this road was set out for me for a reason, I will not question why .... I will just keep walking.
There is no way that somewhere inside your W doesn't feel guilty and is second guessing her behaviors.
Don't let her reel you back in with her spew.
Your son is a lucky kid who is loved so much. Don't forget all you have to be thankful for
There is no way that somewhere inside your W doesn't feel guilty and is second guessing her behaviors.
Don't let her reel you back in with her spew.
Your son is a lucky kid who is loved so much. Don't forget all you have to be thankful for
There is no way that somewhere inside your W doesn't feel guilty and is second guessing her behaviors.
Don't let her reel you back in with her spew.
Your son is a lucky kid who is loved so much. Don't forget all you have to be thankful for
Thank you BM ... and yes I agree, she was making me out to be the villain as I can not imagine the flood of emotions of our S looking at her as she just finished the kiss with OM who she has continued to tell S is "just a friend" ... .then lied to him after and said sometimes friends do that when they say goodbye. She did in a calm state at least tell me she was very upset that it happened .... again .. not my mess to clean up but I know that hurt S .... as I went through the same thing with my mother when I was young .. hence my strong reaction to it ..... my demons I must face and deal with.
She has TM a bit through out the day ... random stuff ... just ignoring it. I will pick up S later after work and take him to the mall to finish up our Christmas shopping together. Then thinking dinner out.... and home.
I have been finding things to do in my office .. slow week, so I decided to use this frustration energy and put it to good use .... cleaning out the old ... and getting organized ... seems to be a trend for me as of late .. last weekend I did my closet at the house .. This weekend I shampoo'd the carpets ... today doing the office ... not sure where this cleaning bug came from I am not typically this way but I do feel so much better afterwards.
Oh, I know how we papa and mama bears get when we think our children are being hurt, especially from the person who they should feel the safest with.
It succks big time. The way I finally got my head around it was that I realized it was going to happen whether I liked it or not. I couldnt control him and I certainly couldnt get through the thick wall of crazy.
So, since I knew that to be true, I then accepted that I could only keep my side of the street clean. I can only control my part in all of this. And that getting caught up in the swirling dervish of all of that was only going to make me go crazy myself.
I dont want you to think I am in any way minimizing the pain in all of this. That's why it's best if you put your force field up and keep walking your journey.
Leave her to her crazy and get the heck out of the way of it. You dont want to get any on you.
You have been given an enormous opportunity here to come out the other side who you were meant to be.
Ok, so, here's my poem.
There once was a man named Luke
who felt like he was hit with a nuke
He kept trying to let go
and walk away from the show
Til the day it was no longer a fluke
Im here all week, folks. LOL!
Ok, I only had a couple of minutes....dont judge.
Hahaha .... Ok we may just have found your hidden talent, not only are you a MLC Oracle ... you are a poet and didn't even know it.
So ... I have regained some peace and focus. I just called and set up my appt for my first confession ... looking at the list, well .. I will be there for a bit spilling my soul but look forward to a clean slate as I try to move forward and beyond all the things I would rather distance myself from.
I spent about an hour on Facebook, removed any and all pictures that were there I did not feel portrayed me in the way I want to move on. DJ type lifestyle pics ... I actually felt better ... its like I myself am in the tunnel and going back and closing my own doors so that I will never return. Sometimes I wonder if I did not in fact go through a mini MLC the past few years .. I think one could argue a case for it with how lost I was and where my priorities were. Seems .. .as I have said I am going through this ... "clean-the-crap-out" phase.
Also ... maybe vet advice here ... The more I think about it, honestly think about it ... the more I really want nothing to do with W. I feel like .. ok fine I will be somewhat of a doormat here and there as the MLC thing plays out, but for her to do what she did to S ... granted I can do little about it and can not protect him from what she and her crazy will do .... I really want no part of a woman who would be THAT selfish .. and expose her child recklessly in this way. I have lost so much respect for her .. regardless of the MLC condition. I do not want to see her, I think when I drop off S I will just walk him to the stairs and send him up ... not to get a reaction .. but its because I do not want her in my life at the moment. I deserve better, and S certainly does though he will not get it. Sure .. I am upset about it ... but more upset and disappointed in what he has had to be put through this past year.
So my focus .. better life for he and I ... I will request Saturday nights in addition to the nights I have him, can not hurt to ask ... this will let her do her thing and if anything S and I can have more time together.
I deserve better, and S certainly does though he will not get it.
Oh, I dunno about that..
I'd say he got a better father out of the deal! And that is worth a LOT in my book.
Life has its challenges to be sure. But your son gets to see how his father handles them. And he is handling them better and better. With grace, dignity, and a lot of positive growth.
Being a man.
While it would be nice to have different circumstances surrounding his mom's behavior, it is what it is. And it's a point in time for your son and his journey. His life.
It's worth a LOT for him to see how his father is handling things.
Don't discount that, Cali. It's important.
AJ
Thank you for that AJ ... sometimes I think I find myself to close to the painting to see what its starting to turn out to be.
So ... the spew continues ... W TM asking when I am picking up S, because she is not feeling well. I ignore the text because I had told her earlier I would be there at 4:30 .... so on my way to her place she TM ... "Hate to ask but can you please pick me up a few things"... then proceeds to give me a list. I was like ... Ummm .. F no .. so I ignored the text. I arrive at her place and await S to get ready ... she asks if I recieved the text and I told her I was on the phone ... then she asks why I am being mean, starts crying and going through her spew ... I take S and leave and this sends her into a hysteric tyraid ... honestly I was calm .. just done with her. What she did ... just was the last straw for me. She wants OM and that life .. call OM he can run your grocery list and take care of you.
So ... then the TM spew starts along with the relentless calling ... at one point I did chuckle ... within 1 minute she TM "Just like your dead father. Go rot in hell. You are just like him. This is escactly how I thought you would be." Then .... "please help me" ... really? one to add to the MLC hall of shame.
So I decide to leave the phone in the car .. she ruined my evening with S last night .. refused to allow it to happen a second time ... S and I went to the mall, I helped him pick out a gift for W from him, picked up some wrapping paper, wrapped the gift, ate dinner and now about to watch a movie ... letting him stay up late as I am taking tomorrow off. I asked him if I could cook some nice fat juicy steaks for Christmas Dinner ... decided that will be our new tradition ... a nice treat and in honor of my father whom I miss this time of year ... just feels right to have a tradition like that.
So ... then the TM spew starts along with the relentless calling ... at one point I did chuckle ... within 1 minute she TM "Just like your dead father. Go rot in hell. You are just like him. This is escactly how I thought you would be." Then .... "please help me" ... really? one to add to the MLC hall of shame.
Maybe it's just my warped humor...
I prolly would have responded with...
Help ?
It's eXactly, not escactly....
Spellcheck for Androids...play storePush, pull
Push, pull
Push, pull
You tired yet ???
"Just like your dead father. Go rot in hell. You are just like him. This is escactly how I thought you would be."
Wow man. Just wow. This is e
Xactly like some of the texts that I used to receive. They really are nuts. Good for you for not responding.
Tad
Excellent job not responding...and leaving your phone in the car and having a great evening with your son.
She's gonna ramp up the Hoover... be ready, get the shields up to 110%...
Aye. Eerily similar to my experience. Or Ecastly. Depends how you want to look at it (you need to have humor for this type of thing. Just not in front of them. )
I like the idea of a new tradition that incorporates the old. That's totally awesome.
Good work, Cali. And I agree - 110% shields. Maximum may not be enough for a while to come.
AJ
Cali I'm just catching up- so sorry to hear about the OM and S witnessing it.
I agree with what AJ said a few posts back- your S got a great father out of all of this. Keep looking forward and taking care of you.
Love the steak tradition- enjoy!
Thank you for all being able to relate. So things obviously did not stop there ... I think I counted around 40 TM and 7-8 missed calls through out that night Monday. All sorts of wonderful nuggets.
So I wake up and make S some breakfast. I looked at the things she wrote and it became very clear to me ... she needs me to be the evil one, the one who "forced" her to do these things, I am not going to mindread .. but with what happened Saturday, and upcoming Christmas I would imagine emotions are high and knowing her the guilt monster is hungry and needs to be fed.
So I TM her letting her know I will drop off S around noon, she returns fire with .. make it 1. Things need to be on her terms at this point ... then she starts blowing up my phone again. she calls and I calmly answer, but hang up on her once she started bashing me. Then things escalated .... I get a TM from my service provider that my phone number has been suspended. Yeah ... she removed my phone privileges for misbehaving. Not sure how long this was for ... might have been just to the point when she realized she could no longer blow up my phone after she turned it off.
I went to the phone store and asked what I needed to do to get my own account .. ofcourse she must sign off on this. I have the guy call her ... they go back and forth a bit... he gives me that "wow buddy .. [censored] being you " look ... I actually was kinda laughing at it all ... I thanked him smiled and said "Merry Christmas". So S and I went out and ran some errands, W calls and starts her spew some more ... I basically had only about 50% left on the shields at this point ... she started threatening me, telling me I better have deep pockets for all I have done, I am gonna pay, she will take 100% custody of S ... all that. So .. I calmly told her ... "Ok, if that is how you would like to play I am well aware of my rights. According to the state, I am not obligated to currently give you a penny ... I have done this because I wanted to ensure you and S were taken care of. I will no longer be putting $$ into the account, and you may want to research the D ... you will be paying me spousal support and alimony according to what we currently make."
Did this help my cause .. no .. but she is in a PMS hurricane and at some point I figure .. enough is enough ... if this is what she want she should know the fantasy she has in her head is not what she thinks.
So .. I was still pretty PMA all things considered .. dropped S off at her place .. she ofcourse wants to discuss all this, especially the $$ which she is always been about. I calmly told her I had things to do and we could talk later when she has calmed down (What was that saying about never calling a crazy person crazy?) SO this set her off again .. I walk away as she is screaming that I always walk away from her ... was like leaving a 6 year old hysterical girl. As I pull out of the parking spot she dumps S's cough medicine all over my car .... I could not help but shake my head and laugh ... ironically I was on my way to have it washed anyways.
So .... since then .. total darkness from her. Not a peep ... S called right on time last night and that was that.
Guess we will see where this goes.
Other news ... I went and completed my First Confession. Felt amazing and like the old bandages were removed from my heart. The Priest was amazing and strangely said many things to me that hit home .... like he knew. After I did ask him what I should do, how I should continue with my faith and my M. Basically he said what this place has been saying all along. He did leave me with a nice parting nugget ... "Do your best let God do the rest"
So .. 2015 I am letting her figure herself out, would not surprise me to be served D papers .. well in a way it would surprise me as that would mean she borrowed $$ to rid me of her life as I am clearly the root of all her pain and unhappiness. I however feel very good .. PMA is high, I am focused on a better life regardless of my M. I currently want nothing to do with the person who has taken over my W for the past year, nor will I allow her to make my life miserable as it takes away from me becoming the man I am set out to be.
enough is enough ... if this is what she want she should know the fantasy she has in her head is not what she thinks.
Funny that, huh?
I remember the look on my stbxw's face when she tried ending the M in April '13 when I told her her that our state doesn't do perpetual alimony, just spousal support for up 12 months for finding/training for a job. Priceless.
And funny how she really/finally started a sincere job search shortly thereafter...
"Ok, if that is how you would like to play I am well aware of my rights. According to the state, I am not obligated to currently give you a penny ... I have done this because I wanted to ensure you and S were taken care of. I will no longer be putting $$ into the account, and you may want to research the D ... you will be paying me spousal support and alimony according to what we currently make."
That right there ^^^^ is why every LBS should consult with a L as soon as possible after BD.
As for the rest, Luke?
Yoda says: "The force is becoming strong with this one, he is beginning to smell the bacon..."
Keep going, and make an awesome Xmas for you and your son!
You got this.
Merry Christmas CaliGuy!
You are doing a lot better than I am. You are so strong!
Psalm 27
Praying for you and your S. May y'all have a beautiful Christmas - it's about Jesus!!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Well, well, well, Luke...she is a spinnin big time.
Good on you, my friend. You didnt rise to the bait. You kept your cool. You realized your worth.
I am smiling big over here.
She is in tornado mode...get the heck to cover. Leave her to cause destruction elsewhere.
As far as telling her your rights...sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Congrats on your first confession.
Oh and yea...there is bacon on the other side. You will find out what that means.
Merry Christmas, sweetie. You just keep going.
I wonder if because they see us standing and all, that when we inform them that WE are aware of our rights and have consulted a L, etc, it throws them for a loop... That we were pro-active, though we want(ed) to work on the M, we saw the possibility that it would come to D...and got valid knowledge, just in case...
Idk, idle speculation... lol!
Yeah ... I actually seen a spin coming, just did not think it would be this .. the blow that her and OM and the new "family" she seems to want to have was unexpected, however with my new found Jedi training I do feel I handled it much better than I would have without the guidance of all the Elder Jedi Warriors here. I for the most part had the scared/hurt little boy in check .. he did get off a few shots but that too was to be expected. I am curious as to what her next move is going to be, she is in a dark place and no doubt plotting revenge I fear ..... time will tell and there is nothing I can do so no sense wasting energy trying to prepare for the unknown.
Work is going well today, there is little to do ... seems I have been in this ultra clean mode as of late. I am not sure if its due to my spiritual journey becoming stronger ... or if its just me making positive changes and feeling better when things are in order as my personal life's chaos has been accepted. My room is nice and clean .. as is my car .. office is on the way there ... strange I have not typically always been this way but for whatever reason the urge is there now.
I also am dealing with the loneliness ... its not so much the Holiday blues .. its just not having someone close to spend an evening with, I watch movies, go do things .. but my life at work and at home has been a solitary one for the most part for a year .... I have started to notice I cringe seeing couples on TV or in real life ... I actually envy W for having that with OM as I know they fill each others empty spots in their days a bit. I do have a great R with S .. but he is only 7 and there is only so much I can share with him .... just sounding off here .. I have accepted this life as I am still committed to the M and we will see where things land when and if W ever comes out of her fog, by then I am not certain where I will be .... I hear there is bacon somewhere .. I have always been a sucker for bacon.
Cal,
alone time.
Do you work out? Not at gym, just in general, situps, pushups, anything you can do in your house. Its a great way to kill some time and get into better shape.
Anytime you see a couple on TV, crank out 50 situps or 20 pushups.
This isn't just about making internal emotional changes on your part but this is a great time to make some physical changes as well.
The weirdly cool thing that I experienced was knowing that whatever physical pain I endured fro working out, fear when I was working on conquering my fear (spiders ,heights) it was NOTHING compared to the heartache and gut wrenching I was going through.
One last thing cause its me, and I know you can do better, otherwise I wouldn't waste your or my time:
he did get off a few shots but that too was to be expected.
Do better than this. I know its hard. but expecting or allowing or giving yourself a pass makes it so that this crap becomes ok in the future.
And you should hold yourself to a higher standard.
Merry Christmas Cal. I hope it is a good one.
Cali,
I'm sorry you've been spewed on Linda Blair "Exorcist" style. It sounds like you handled things rather well. Keep focusing on you and your s. You are a good guy and a great dad. Become even better-for you:-)
I can relate to the loneliness part, although I'm rarely alone. I do miss having someone to share and laugh with. You will have that again. I'm sure of it.
Since you are into cleaning, swing by the ATL! I have rooms that need a good cleaning.
Have a nice holiday!
So I wake up and make S some breakfast. I looked at the things she wrote and it became very clear to me ... she needs me to be the evil one
And that, my friend is why your priest "knows" what's going on. People are people. In her world, if you are not Dr. Evil and root of all of mankind's woe's, then.. it must be something else. What could that be? Hmm.. That won't do at all! It's his fault! All of it and "I HAD to leave you" don't you understand??!?
At least that's how I heard the story in my own situation
I actually envy W for having that with OM as I know they fill each others empty spots in their days a bit
I wouldn't want to be in that situation for all the rice in China, my friend. Knowing it's based on lies and deceit and having to be around her? No thank you. I'll go wash the cat or something less dangerous...For you, don't be impatient. I feel the same loneliness and personally I'm determined to overcome that. For me, it was one of my fears - being alone. Oddly, I'm never alone and yet more alone. Good thing I like me.
And yeah Cali, as a measure of how well you're doing - she's losing "control" and doesn't like it. That's a good thing, amigo. It means the balance of "power" is shifting to better place for all concerned.
A good idea is for you to stick to what you said. You said you were not going to put money into her account. Don't fall for the tricks that come with that. They will in short order. But you cannot be the one to "fix" things for her. That's important.
While you're cleaning - what else is still in her name or jointly owned? I know you've been waiting, but perhaps this is a good sign it's time to clean house, no?
And the exercise? Absolutely do it. Even when you don't feel like it, do it. It'll make a huge difference (if you're not already doing it).
What kind of steak? Cowboy rib-eye? NY Strip? There's some great methods for cooking them that are worth looking for on the 'net if you don't already have a way in mind.
Merry Christmas!
AJ
P.S. Priest is right. Don't pick that package up - leave it with God.
Hey Luke. Wanted to wish you a wonderful Christmas.
Keep the focus on you and your son. Make new memories. Keep moving forward.
So proud of how far you've come...cant wait to see where you get to.
Cal,
alone time.
Do you work out? Not at gym, just in general, situps, pushups, anything you can do in your house. Its a great way to kill some time and get into better shape.
Anytime you see a couple on TV, crank out 50 situps or 20 pushups.
This isn't just about making internal emotional changes on your part but this is a great time to make some physical changes as well.
The weirdly cool thing that I experienced was knowing that whatever physical pain I endured fro working out, fear when I was working on conquering my fear (spiders ,heights) it was NOTHING compared to the heartache and gut wrenching I was going through.
Jack ... Thank you and I too hope your Holidays were great.
After DB I used alot of that anger and frustration and started running ... was doing well then I had a physical set back and stopped for a bit .. then just never really committed to doing it with the same intensity as I did before. I do like your idea on pushups and sit ups and will start doing that .. seems like a good way to get out of that funk that can be so easy to slip intoOne last thing cause its me, and I know you can do better, otherwise I wouldn't waste your or my time:
he did get off a few shots but that too was to be expected.
Do better than this. I know its hard. but expecting or allowing or giving yourself a pass makes it so that this crap becomes ok in the future.
And you should hold yourself to a higher standard.
Merry Christmas Cal. I hope it is a good one.
You are spot on ... I have improved ... I did allow my buttons to get pushed and in a way gave her a small chunk of what she was looking for. The more I see this MLC dance play out I realize what is going on and how she wants me to give her any small reason to justify her actions. As always ... something to work on ... and yes .. That higher standard is where I would like to be.
Cali,
I'm sorry you've been spewed on Linda Blair "Exorcist" style. It sounds like you handled things rather well. Keep focusing on you and your s. You are a good guy and a great dad. Become even better-for you:-)
I can relate to the loneliness part, although I'm rarely alone. I do miss having someone to share and laugh with. You will have that again. I'm sure of it.
Since you are into cleaning, swing by the ATL! I have rooms that need a good cleaning.
Have a nice holiday!
Lol @ the Linda Blair reference ... yeah it was pretty close. Honestly I have not seen her that mad in a bit ... I do think the fact I was calm drove her to another level.
Ya know .. maybe you are on to something ... I could create a "MLC Clean Crew" business and make a killing
So I wake up and make S some breakfast. I looked at the things she wrote and it became very clear to me ... she needs me to be the evil one
And that, my friend is why your priest "knows" what's going on. People are people. In her world, if you are not Dr. Evil and root of all of mankind's woe's, then.. it must be something else. What could that be? Hmm.. That won't do at all! It's his fault! All of it and "I HAD to leave you" don't you understand??!?
At least that's how I heard the story in my own situation
Yeah, I think the hardest part was I was such a 'fixer' ... not realizing I was hurting my own sitch and not allowing her to do her work .... I had such an awesome set of tools I was certain I could fix her ..... now I am more focused on the strength it is going to require to watch her hit her bottom and do her own work, as I continue to do mine .. thanks to the 2x4 and Jedi training you all here have given me. I actually envy W for having that with OM as I know they fill each others empty spots in their days a bit
I wouldn't want to be in that situation for all the rice in China, my friend. Knowing it's based on lies and deceit and having to be around her? No thank you. I'll go wash the cat or something less dangerous...For you, don't be impatient. I feel the same loneliness and personally I'm determined to overcome that. For me, it was one of my fears - being alone. Oddly, I'm never alone and yet more alone. Good thing I like me.
Yeah ... I think it will get better for me when my sports leagues start back up here soon ... at the moment I have a good deal of free time that I struggle with, soon I will have all my free nights consumed with Softball and Football .. .plus my RCIA nights ... which is good and will score me high marks in the GAL Olympics And yeah Cali, as a measure of how well you're doing - she's losing "control" and doesn't like it. That's a good thing, amigo. It means the balance of "power" is shifting to better place for all concerned.
A good idea is for you to stick to what you said. You said you were not going to put money into her account. Don't fall for the tricks that come with that. They will in short order. But you cannot be the one to "fix" things for her. That's important.
The money thing ... I do owe my share of S tuition and insuarnce and that sort of thing ... I do not mind paying this .. however when she was in MLC-Overdrive Spew it was a nice truth dart to back her up off me a bit. While you're cleaning - what else is still in her name or jointly owned? I know you've been waiting, but perhaps this is a good sign it's time to clean house, no?
I still need to clear up the phone mess ... granted the plan we are on together saves us $$ .. its not worth it to me but she needs to sign off so I can keep my number .. I would rather not have to go through the trouble of having that changed .. push comes to shove its only an inconvenience and I will do it if need be. Next one is health ins. ... I am on hers (she works in the Med Field) so its awesome ins ... but I can pay more and be on my own if need be. Car Ins .. same thing .. saves us both $$ but I am able to swing my own ... however would be nice if we can keep these things and make it easier for me to get my own place this year.
And the exercise? Absolutely do it. Even when you don't feel like it, do it. It'll make a huge difference (if you're not already doing it).
Yeah since I read what Jack wrote its been in my nugget ... I do plan on cranking up my running starting tomorrow ... New Year New Me and all that. What kind of steak? Cowboy rib-eye? NY Strip? There's some great methods for cooking them that are worth looking for on the 'net if you don't already have a way in mind.
Merry Christmas!
AJ
P.S. Priest is right. Don't pick that package up - leave it with God.
We had 2 HUGE Rib-eyes ... we ended up splitting just one and still could not finish. I am originally from Nebraska ... Dad taught me well on the art of being a Grill Master ... I have always loved to cook ... just tough for one.
Thanks AJ ... hope you had a wonderful Christmas aswell
Hey Luke. Wanted to wish you a wonderful Christmas.
Keep the focus on you and your son. Make new memories. Keep moving forward.
So proud of how far you've come...cant wait to see where you get to.
Ur ... Thank you so much ... for everything. I cringe at where I could very well have been without the help of you all these past few months ... you all are God sent I am sure of it.
Just a touch of ... spilling thoughts.
So looking back at the past year. Honestly everything (minus the one) in my life has improved, I have lost weight (not by choice mind you .. but I am looking better ..lol) ... the R between S and I has been amazing. Work ... well .. I am not sure I could be more blessed they like me and I like them. I received a Christmas bonus out of no where .. was not expecting anything ... and was able to pay off the bedroom set as I hoped before the new year. And my relationship with God ... new .. however I am beginning to learn how to listen and accept He has this all figured out for me ... letting go of the wheel is hard at times .. but seems I have been getting better and better at this.
New Christmas tradition was nice with S ... he loved the steak, also loved the gifts... not sure how much longer he will believe in Santa .. I used the same wrapping paper for his stuff as I did the gift I got W ... he noticed .. I played it off saying Santa must have wrapped them here because he made a big ole mess I had to clean up .... he was to busy with the toys to care.
Strange thing with S ... he made a comment about W ... about how its like she is sleepwalking doing and saying strange things, every now and then she seems to wake up but then goes back to sleep .... floored me, I see it too .. but know its the tunnels and fog she is in and who knows when/if she will emerge. S is a pretty sharp observant kid. I go through some coughing bouts this time of year ... not often .. even more rare S is a witness to them ... however this morning he asked if I was ok .. I laughed and said I think so .. joked its just my way of getting the evil spirits out of me so I can start my day. He looked at me and said he did'nt think I had any evil left in me anymore, then joked maybe mom should try coughing in the morning. I smiled at him and just told him with the Holidays she has been under alot of pressure, for him to be kind and patient .. Love her as we have been taught .. he smiled and laughed ... telling me he knew but still thinks she should cough. (I had to smile .. but am very aware of not painting W with a bad brush ... she has enough issues going on)
Dropped S off this morning .. had a little panic that OM would be there, I think they spent time together last night ( honestly this did not bug me) .. what I was worried about was I was not sure W remembered that I worked today .... did not want awkward moment ... seeing OM and how I would react .. even worse how S would react to another lie that W keeps telling him OM is just a "friend" ... thankfully .. all was good. She was less cold this morning, I hugged S and told him I loved him .. said goodbye and off I went.
Personally ... I am not sure if its accepting this MLC thing is what it is, the feeling of feeling free after my first confession, knowing that I am doing just fine at the moment, just owning it all it seems ... I feel geed, content .. happy dare I say. Sure ... I would love to share my days with someone who cares about me, but that too is not up to me, God will place someone in my life when I am ready ... if that is W great .. if not .. thats fine too .. I can not see 'all this' going to waste ... bwaahhahah .. ok I made myself laugh.
Merry Christmas to you all ... and I wish you all a much better 2015 ... looks like we have almost made it through this year
An Nebraska boy? Omaha or further out? I have a lot of family in that part of the world, although I'm from the left coast.
Yeah, it's funny how the steaks look so good and yet can be too big when it comes down to it. The beer and other snacks don't help sometimes
now I am more focused on the strength it is going to require to watch her hit her bottom and do her own work, as I continue to do mine
Why is it you feel the need to watch? What happens if you cannot do that? What if she hides it or never does and this is the new her?
Keep in mind that things like drink, drugs, or OP are symptoms of a problem. They are signs they are trying to deal with the problem in the way they think they can. It is not normal what she has done (although not uncommon, she is taking it to the limits to be sure.) And it may be that she doesn't hit bottom, but rather continues to skim the layer she's at and avoids whatever the problem is for the remainder of her life.
You've given it to God. Let it stay there. There's no need to watch the slow-motion train wreck. You don't have to be gone or done, but you don't have to watch either. That's just a way of holding on and may be from being afraid that if you don't, you'll let go the rest of the way.
Don't be afraid of that. You can trust that you've done what you could, that you've given it to God and that he can handle it and you should the need arise. If it doesn't, then there's still nothing for you to do.
I read those comments from your son. I smiled because I've heard similar things from my own regarding his mom. Kids are incredibly perceptive. They just don't have the life experience to know the relevance or how to handle such things. They look to their parents to show them how to handle things.
I think your son has a great role model in you. Somebody who has shown him how to change, how to improve, how to overcome and deal with life in a graceful and God-fearing way.
I can tell you I learned from own father those things. At least I saw them in him at a later date. I also saw him during his not so great days. There was a lot of years in between and a lot of pain for him. But when he got to where you are, it was a great thing to see. It was also very helpful for me, as his son. It's been a gift that has kept on giving and one I intend to pass on to my son
AJ
An Nebraska boy? Omaha or further out? I have a lot of family in that part of the world, although I'm from the left coast.
Other side of the state ... was a wonderful place to grow up honestly Yeah, it's funny how the steaks look so good and yet can be too big when it comes down to it. The beer and other snacks don't help sometimes
now I am more focused on the strength it is going to require to watch her hit her bottom and do her own work, as I continue to do mine
Why is it you feel the need to watch? What happens if you cannot do that? What if she hides it or never does and this is the new her?
Keep in mind that things like drink, drugs, or OP are symptoms of a problem. They are signs they are trying to deal with the problem in the way they think they can. It is not normal what she has done (although not uncommon, she is taking it to the limits to be sure.) And it may be that she doesn't hit bottom, but rather continues to skim the layer she's at and avoids whatever the problem is for the remainder of her life.
You've given it to God. Let it stay there. There's no need to watch the slow-motion train wreck. You don't have to be gone or done, but you don't have to watch either. That's just a way of holding on and may be from being afraid that if you don't, you'll let go the rest of the way.
Yeah .. you may be right, she very well may never 'come out of the fog' ... although I currently do have faith she will one day (no timetable), however as you have said .. I have given it to God ... not that I am watching and waiting on pins n needles as I once was, my focus is currently set to me and S ... anything else has honestly just been a waste of energy and creates more pain and frustration than I am willing to allow. I think there was a part of me that just assumed this was my penance for all I have done ... well now, I know that's not it at all ... she must figure it out and can not while I am there .. its far to easy to look in my direction and blame me ... so I am removing myself. Maybe one day she will emerge and want to make it right .. maybe a baboon might fly out of my a$$ ... when/if that day comes I will deal with it then. I have a plan for me ... we will see where it goes Don't be afraid of that. You can trust that you've done what you could, that you've given it to God and that he can handle it and you should the need arise. If it doesn't, then there's still nothing for you to do.
I read those comments from your son. I smiled because I've heard similar things from my own regarding his mom. Kids are incredibly perceptive. They just don't have the life experience to know the relevance or how to handle such things. They look to their parents to show them how to handle things.
Yeah, as much as I wanted to say "I know right?" ... I am his role model ... and in my heart I know telling him we must chose to love anyways ... regardless ... I think he gets it and that's just how we operate. He is like me in that regard .. very loving boy and gives without thought .. even as an only child, its heart warming to know that so far .. he is still good and not showing effects from all this. I think your son has a great role model in you. Somebody who has shown him how to change, how to improve, how to overcome and deal with life in a graceful and God-fearing way.
I can tell you I learned from own father those things. At least I saw them in him at a later date. I also saw him during his not so great days. There was a lot of years in between and a lot of pain for him. But when he got to where you are, it was a great thing to see. It was also very helpful for me, as his son. It's been a gift that has kept on giving and one I intend to pass on to my son
AJ
Thank you for that ... I think the biggest compliment a guy could ever receive is that we have done a good job raising our children ... I do hope that even during the storm I am the one looked to to get this ship to shore by whatever means needed .. even with the current mutiny I have going on ...lol
Hi Caliguy and Merry Christmas. I haven't been able to check in this week and just got caught up on your new thread. Wow - some week. I am so sorry about what happened with OM and your son and the spew that followed. You handled things great!! Especially not running to her aid when she asked. It's time for her to take care of herself. It sounds like you and S have a great relationship and had a nice Christmas. It warms my heart! You are being a wonderful role model and the stable rock he needs. And as for you, I see you getting stronger and stronger. Feels good and freeing, doesn't it?
Keep it up. You are doing a great job!
Hey uR ... Thanks for checking in on me ...
Its going ... been pretty much NC since the cough syrup incident of 2014. I have been up and down emotionally ... alot of internal thinking and trying to avoid the over-analyzing of the sitch...epic fail there .. lol
. So .. mini update:
Friday night S called me on my way to work, something was wrong so I asked him if he was ok ... his eye was bothering him again, so I asked to talk to W and asked if she was going to give him some Tylenol which may help him get through the night. So was snippy ( Obviously this questioned her status as a fit mom ... ughhh MLC I swear sometimes) .... then she said something to the point of last resort she would .. but then told me she did not have any Tylenol at the house. I was on my way by and told her I would pick some up and drop it off ... I also grabbed a compress ... planned on just handing it to her and off I would go. Once I arrived she said S wanted to see me ... poor guy .. I tried to comfort him the best I could ... he told me a hug would help .. so he of course got a big one.
Sat Morning W TM that she was setting up an appt .. I told her let me know when and I would be there ... met them there and was as expected .. nothing really they could do .. schedule a specialist .. however now S seems fine (Always been sensitive with his eyes .... possibly its in his head but I don't feel this way .. W does ... again .. her MLC showing a bit .. she would never disregard S if he even sniffled). So after that I met up at my place with my roommate and her cousin .. we took a motorcycle ride to the coast, had lunch, tea .. came back home and I relaxed and watched my Huskers lose by 3 to USC. My GAL for the weekend.
Sunday .. woke .. went to mass, picked up S ... we watched a bit of football ... haircut for me .. mall ... out to the movie .. then home.
I have kind of struggled internally-emotionally all weekend, have not let it out nor shown it .. but I am still a bit upset with W over exposing S to OM that way during Christmas ... I also feel some distance between God and me .. I know its all on my end ... I was feeling crappy about myself, yanno that "who would love me" kind of vibe .. so I went and got a haircut, helped some .. was thinking about buying myself a few new clothes but just was not in the mood.
I dropped of S this morning ... W was more cordial .. but still has been dark .. she was supposed to take S north today till Thursday but said she felt ill. Last night she called 30 min early to talk to S ... said she had a headache .. I feel she lied .. sounded fine and also sounded in a hurry to get off the phone with him .. OM date I assume ... but really do not care, at this point ... spend as mush time with him as possible to let that R run its course so she can start doing her work is my mindset .. but as of late I question if she ever will come out of this .. she is juts not who she used to be. All the lies and choices ... just leave me shaking my head.
I seem to have less focus/obsession over her lately, I do find myself looking at her crisis a bit differently as of late .... its like whatever happened in her childhood seems to be revolved around who she could and could not date I think ... her father was very strict and I know would not allow her to be with a guy like OM .. maybe this is a reenactment of that .. just observation at this point. Will be interesting to see if there is any truth to that ... who knows.
Not over-analyzing at all ....
And I get that, I am trying to recover from being an over-analyzer, but it really does no good. She doesn't even know much of the motivation behind her actions, so, how can we?
The answers will come when they are ready, if ever... <--- this "if ever" is very tough for a lot of people, myself in that "lots of people"... let that go Cali. Accept that you, and maybe even she, might not ever have the answers.
yanno that "who would love me" kind
How about
YOU?
Keep going...
Not over-analyzing at all ....
And I get that, I am trying to recover from being an over-analyzer, but it really does no good. She doesn't even know much of the motivation behind her actions, so, how can we?
The answers will come when they are ready, if ever... <--- this "if ever" is very tough for a lot of people, myself in that "lots of people"... let that go Cali. Accept that you, and maybe even she, might not ever have the answers.yanno that "who would love me" kind
How about
YOU?
Keep going...
[color:#FF0000][/color]
Honestly ... I think that might be my hang up. I am not trying to mindread nor speak for her .. but lets face it .. I have known her for 24 years and with that you do get a sense of who the person is .. or in this case was. I know if I went through this crisis .. even hit my all time crazy high ... facing what I have done, actually owning it .... not so sure I would want to come out of that tunnel either. So yeah .. she may never return from there, I know she will not find the true happiness I wish for her either ... again .. not on me .. but its a tragedy, she was a beautiful person once.
she was a beautiful person once
She may/will be again, though in a different way than you are familiar with.
Pray for her to find peace and happiness, with, or without, you.
In the future, I reckon you will come to some insight about who she was, in reality, without the rose-colored glasses... not that it will be all bad or anything, but insight will come, down the road...
You say you have left it in her and God's hands...it's his plan, right?
Let me throw an idea out there....ever wonder if God maybe had something different in mind for you, that you weren't reaching your potential, stuck maybe... and her crisis is part of His plan for YOU?
To "shock and awe" you into reaching your true potential? get you moving in that direction?
she was a beautiful person once
She may/will be again, though in a different way than you are familiar with.
Pray for her to find peace and happiness, with, or without, you.
In the future, I reckon you will come to some insight about who she was, in reality, without the rose-colored glasses... not that it will be all bad or anything, but insight will come, down the road...
You say you have left it in her and God's hands...it's his plan, right?
Let me throw an idea out there....ever wonder if God maybe had something different in mind for you, that you weren't reaching your potential, stuck maybe... and her crisis is part of His plan for YOU?
To "shock and awe" you into reaching your true potential? get you moving in that direction?
Oh I have no doubt that was His plan honestly ... there was no way I would have made the changes in my life that I have this past year without this .... granted I have spoken to God about the way He went about it .. not to tell the Man his business but I could have gone without a few of these things..... lol j/k
But yes you are right, I am thankful for the lesson and for Him delivering me to where I am currently, and pray he continues to nudge me to where I need to be. I have recently begun to aim my prayers as you have said ... where before ... of course I wanted her better as long as that was with me .. I know now that maybe .. this is not what may be in the cards as painful as that is to accept. For now .. I am focused on me and my journey and trying to leave her to Him ... it will all sort out as intended. In my heart I still have hope, still intend to stand for the M, until I feel He wants me to do otherwise ... I just know I must do so silently, pray my tail off, accept what He delivers.
I do want her well, I want her happy and at peace and free from all this ... but I would like to stick my finger in OM's eye ... ya know . while I am sharing and being honest ... lol
Hey Luke...you are still mindreading. Just calling you out, cuz I can.
I get wanting to know the hows and the whys and the whats. And trust me, I walked this journey with T2, he wanted to know all that, too.
The thing is that knowing doesnt change anything. It doesnt affect anything.
It is craziness, this crisis.
To see someone you have loved, have lived with, have shared a life and a history with become someone so foreign, is so hard to understand.
I know we are programmed to try to figure stuff out.
But sometimes in life, it just isnt possible unless it is happening to you.
You can sympathize with someone who has cancer, but, cant possibly know what it feels like to have it.
You can ache for someone who has lost a child, but, cannot feel the depth of their pain unless you have, too.
And that is ok, you know. It is ok to say I just dont get it, dont understand it, cant get my mind around it.
When someone has cancer or has lost someone, you have empathy; you have compassion, regardless of whether or not you can completely feel their particular pain.
These loved ones who are in crisis, deserve that as well.
It doesnt give them a free pass, not at all. But we love them, and so, we should try to feel for them.
There is plenty of time in the future to figure out how you will deal with the fallout if she comes through this.
Plenty of time to decide what you need, what you want the relationship to look like if it comes to that.
So, do your best for as long as you can. Honor your long time relationship the best way you know how. Remember your life story with her.
And continue on your path. This was a journey you were meant to go on..without a single doubt. And every twist and turn, every step, every lesson learned..is all part of your journey.
Just embrace what is. Be open to every possibility. Be true to you. Trust in Him. And believe that what is supposed to happen, will. Even if you dont understand it all right now.
... it will all sort out as intended.
For me, reframing that just a bit helps...
it's already all sorting out as intended.
Minor difference in words, but huge difference in mindset. The former has us kinda waiting for some outcome or destination. The latter has us enjoying the journey.
uR ... its not Mindreading .. its the art of my awesome Jedi skillz ... ok ok ok .. lol
Yeah I think its my way to take apart things and see how they work .. and when there is a problem I am Jeff Spicoli .. My dad has an awesome set of tools and I can fix it. These things have become so apparent and so flawed to me in my journey ... I can not fix it, her, my M at this point.
So yeah .. doing my best letting God do the rest at the moment. I felt a funk the past few days ... lifted last night/this morning some.
W was supposed to go up yesterday .. guess she is still not feeling well and stayed here .. S called and told me he was on the couch .. I was a little bothered as Monday is my day with him .. I let it go quickly and did not let myself stew on it. She has been extremely dark .. NC (other than very limited S talks) since the blow up from Sunday-Tuesday spew session.
I have thought about a few things .. she brings up D when she is emotional, I have had the sense that she has once again decided this is what she needs to be happy, and financially it will be very hard for her, as I have stated I will not settle for her "Online-Divorce" apporach as this would not allow me what mediataion or the State would entitle me to .. its not just for me .. but I must also look out for S's best interest too. My living conditions are not what they were ... mostly because of my choice in keeping the 100lb family dog, and the finances (Which are currently improving). So all this being said ... I feel in a way that she may feel trapped in this M, not able to break free because in her head what's hers is hers and whats mine is 50% hers .... she is proud and stubborn and will not settle for anything less. I seen this as a way to gain time and do the much needed work on myself .... but not I am wondering if this "trap" may be prohibiting the work she needs to do .... trapped in a M with me, having OM on the side and hell bent on making that R work in spite of it ... I wonder if setting her free would allow her a better chance at doing the work she needs, but I am in the catch 22 as I am not going to be taken advantage of financially either .... Oh MLC how I would like to flick you.
So ... other than that .. I feel better today .. that funk was .. well funky. W is going up to her brothers for NYE, yes .. I am working it as usual ... something I actually thought about not doing .. but its either stay home or make some easy $$ ... I have been doing well $$ wise as of late, projecting for the year I hope to have a better place in a location better for me with work and where S goes to school .... even thinking of a nice vaca with S during the week he is off after summer. Things to look forward to!!
... it will all sort out as intended.
For me, reframing that just a bit helps...
it's already all sorting out as intended.
Minor difference in words, but huge difference in mindset. The former has us kinda waiting for some outcome or destination. The latter has us enjoying the journey.
FY I agree to a point... I just do not think my journey is completed just yet ... I still feel in limbo, but I do get how your twist does make it better.
Ok, Luke, I kinda feel like you and I have a good connection and because of that you get to see more of me. Lucky you.. hee hee.
Here's the truth of it. I was like you. I wanted to understand it all. Mostly because that's how my mind works. Not so much to fix it, more of that I find the way people think and act facinating. Now I will admit, trying to understand an MLCer mind is not exactly fun...unless you like sticking needles in yor eyes. And there was a touch of me hoping to be able to forge some sort of change in the dynamics.
I had to reluctantly let go of wanting to do that. Then I realized it was the best thing for me and the sitch.
I am writing all of this because....you are still freakin trying to mindread, to figure it out, to help it along. And YOU CANNOT!!!!! LOL!
Maybe she does feel trapped. Maybe she wants what she wants. Too bad for her. Not your problem. If she wants a divorce but it doesnt work for her financially...not your problem. If she isnt happy as a result of her choices....not your problem.
This should never be at the cost of you. And that includes taking care of yourself and your son financially.
The rest..leave in His capable hands, Luke. Really and truly.
You are doing great. I mean that. You just need to get out of your head a bit more. and out of hers..and then you're golden. Did we tell you there is bacon and other goodies on the other side? Cuz there is.
Oh and Do or do not...there is no try.
They dont call me Yoda for nothin. LOL!
Lol .... I am completely fine with seeing you more ... however those fuzzy 2x4's leave welts that itch long after the bruises...lol
Yeah .. its like chess to me, I am constantly looking 3 moves ahead and then she moves her knight like a pawn and I am scratching my head with the WTF look saying .. "Hey you can not do that . .its against the rules!!" .... like playing chess with a 2 year old who just chews on the pieces. Took a bit to learn that ... even longer to accept. Slowly ... I will get there.
You are right ... and the peace I have felt over the past few weeks .. maybe a month, has been good for me in many ways. I just feel better, and coming to grips that things are out of my hands ... more importantly ... in His .. has saved me from the sleepless nights . tossing and turning ... I have noticed as of late .. I am not obsessing over her as I go to bed, nor as when I wake as I did before.
Now .. more work that I admit I need. Its the loneliness thing. Last night I thought about going for a run ... was chilly, I ended up jumping into some "Hey who is this sexy guy" sweatpants and a sweatshirt and watching a new show on Netflix .. I was actually at peace with that. Tonight grab my dry-cleaning ... have dinner ... who knows .. might venture out .. may stay home since I am working tomorrow night ... I am starting to own being alone for the most part. I do miss having that 'someone' interested in my day, talking, all that ... she went on a basket ride with ET ... ok the visual made me laugh. .... my humor which was always a strong point with me has been coming back strongly.
Might go and grab a new shirt/electric razor after work, pick up my dry-cleaning on the way home .. slap my face with that steak that's calling my name in the fridge .... as I keep chasing this bacon you all speak of ... this fat kid does love his bacon.
Those welts...are notches on your belt. Means you are working through this..how's that for making them a positive.
.
I like your sense of humor, Luke. Glad it's coming back. Mine has gotten me through a lifetime of stuff.
I get the loneliness thing. I really do. You may have to push yourself some to get out more. I know it isnt the same thing. It is also great to get good with being with you.
It is best to remember it will not always be as it is right now.
So, take the time to do the work. Get to where you need to be. One day, whether with your wife or someone else, you will be glad you had this opportunity.
I only give welts because I care, Luke. Yea, that doesnt read so well, but, you know what I mean. LOL!
So, take the time to do the work. Get to where you need to be. One day, whether with your wife or someone else, you will be glad you had this opportunity.
Amen.
While you're chewing the fat, you might think about something that may help. As a man, you are programmed/taught to protect/take care of your wife and family. It's burned into your soul, my friend. I can see it. I can also see you trying to reason your way through letting her go. Know why I can see it?
It sounds harsh and cold at first to hear somebody say, "it's not your problem" or "let it go" or "..." right?
Think about it though - what is it she asked for? And what are you willing to give to somebody who treats you like that?
Never mind what's best for either. That would be your making a decision for her, wouldn't it?
She asked that you not take care of her any longer.
Much like losing a limb, there are still phantom feelings that you need to take care of it. For a while.
You don't and your rational brain knows that. Your emotional (lizard) brain doesn't seem to just yet. That's the back and forth, and although your rational brain is winning, its taking its toll.
Something to think about, Cali. What was it she asked for? In words? In deeds? In action? Are you respecting her wishes? If not, why not?
And how about your wishes? Are you respecting yours?
AJ
AJ
Yeah .. that is the confliction ... well one of em .. most likely the biggest. That Monday on the way to her place, she asked for help .. I seen the text and chose not to help, actually made the decision ... one not out of detachment , more fueled by a little anger like .. nope, you want OM, he can be the one to help you .. better yet start helping yourself, do the work, get your own ass out of the fog..... will this help/happen .. no ... but it did actually make me for the first time in 24 years make a choice NOT to fix/help/step in. That is what she wants, even if it paints me "cruel" as she put it.
And yeah .. it was the fact I thought about it .. no one on this planet would get anything from me treating me as she has. She put me through hell in 2014, letting me know about OM, how amazing he is .. how amazing I am not ... yet ... I seem to be good enough when she really needs someone ...and yeah I know I am using anger to fuel me past this hurdle and I actually think its healthy in a strange way. 2015 is not going to be the year like 2014 was .. I am stronger and focused on doing what I must ... for me. Regardless of what she wants/does ... I own me this year and I am looking forward to where I will be this time next year... I have come so far, No Way I am about to go backwards now.
Hey Cali- I think it is healthy to let that anger fuel you. As long as it does in the right ways. I think it was Mach who said " use it as a shield not a sword". I certainly find it helps me as long as I don't dwell in it too much.
I'm glad to see you are working on moving to a new place and maybe taking a vacay. All good ways to take care of you and S in the new year.
Happy New Year, Luke. May this year bring you peace, clarity, strength and joy.
Daring ... yeah I think it has .. I know its not how I wanted it .. but the whole "ginger-bread house building think W and OM did, along with exposing S to all that and the goodnight kiss pretty much was the last straw for me. Hurtful and selfish on so many levels I realized ... yup .. my W is gone and this chick in her place is not cool
Ur ... Thank you and I wish the same for you!!
So .. its been pretty dark ... W did TM a bit yesterday, I did not reply but once a few hours later concerning a pic she sent of S .. more TM about the trip she is taking with S ... I think its cool she took him to BIL and up to see the castle and sea loins and all that. However .... I am noticing the push/pull start .. I have been very dark with her since Ginger-Bread 2014 ... yesterday she TM a pic of S .. I replied a few hours later about how it looked like he was having fun ... she seems to use S as a way to open convo ... she then TM how they just arrived, she was tired and had a stomach ache (*Trend Alert*-she does seem to do this .. get the sympathy ..making sure I am still on the string) ... I stayed dark ... then later she joked about how S plugged the toilet and was happy with himself .. again .. I felt no need to reply, I need some space from her .. for me.
So ... I DJ'd NYE ... was a strange crowd, was unusually chilly out for So-Cal ... the crowd was not as busy as I expected it to be, but the whole town was pretty slow. So I did my thing, had a drunk "I dj'd a house party once" guy all up on me for a bit until he got so frustrated I would not play his "Most amazing song ever" that he punched me ... lol .. so yeah .. I opened up 2015 with a good ol high school scuffle. Poor guy had no idea the volcano of frustration he released on himself... silly rabbit.
NYE day I woke up and decided instead of cooking lunch I was just going to get out of the house... went to the grocery store and decided .. nope .. I am going to have a nice sit down lunch in a restaurant ... as I was heading to my car a guy hits me up for some money, I told him I didn't have it ... by the time I got to my car I re-thought it .... I had a good wad of cash from the NYE gig ... I drove over to where he was .. handed him some cash and went to go eat at the local little cafe. Had a nice lunch, paid and on my way out I noticed that same dude eating a bowl of soup ... actually made me feel better he used the $$ for food and not drugs or who knows what.
I have been pretty much alone all week .. S has been with W, and she and I have been very dark borderline NC ... I felt more at ease knowing she is spending time with S and BIL, not OM as far as I know .. but who knows .. its not my issue. This is a new year and I intend to worry about me and S, and will plan "as if" I am already D ... I've come to accept this is my sitch, she is on the crazy train to heaven knows ... I will no longer be chained to that ride, I have decided to stay off the thrill ride and do my thing. The loneliness has not been as bad lately .. I have been open and TM friends .. swapping good Netflix movies to watch ... talking Football ... just anything than letting the silence drive me nutty.
Its strange .. I look where I am now vs last year ... wow. Last year I TM W wishing her a happy NY and hoped she could find happiness, yanno .. pursue pursue pursue .. this year .. I only thought about that TM and how it should not have been sent .. never once had an urge to reach out to her. I can say ... as much as I struggle with detaching .. this is as detached as I have felt from her, and its not a bad thing .. I miss her, but I miss the person who is no longer around.
Hi, Cali,
Happy New Year to you, fellow "Foo" - Friend
.
I've been catching up on your thread. I have been taking a bit of a break, sorting some things out.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and where you are. The last straw feeling, and being more detached than ever. It gets to the point where we have to accept that they are really not the same person we M right now. I think I went through, oh.....47,821 rounds of "ok, yes, he's not the man I M anymore" before I truly accepted it as truth.
I just couldn't get it through my head.... How can he be so gone? Surely he has to be in there somewhere I can reach him? He was absolutely crazy about me until, well....until he wasn't. But he has to be in there if only I could get through to him and he will snap out of this...
Ahhhh.....nope.
I do believe with all that I am, that many will come through this crisis, wake up, and want to do whatever it takes to fix the damage. I know it is possible. You just have to decide to live your life in the mean time, and decide if you wish to outlast it. Whatever is best for you, is where you put your energy. Especially with a young s....the steaks are high, for sure.
I'm so glad you decided to treat yourself to a nice lunch.
Keep doing what you're doing, Cali. You're growth and your journey are amazing to watch from here
Nice thing you did with that guy, Luke. Makes you feel good, right?
So, how's it feelin, that detachment? I'm thinking it feels good to not be tethered to everything she says and does.
You are getting closer to the bacon and chocolate and coffee and stuff on the other side....yay you~!
You sure have come a long way in a year. Make this one the one where Luke knows his worth really and truly. Make it be the one where you get to decide who you want to be.
Im smiling over here, my friend. Good on you.
Wow Caliguy. That is some way to start the year! I too have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last year...where I was vs where I am. We have all come a long way.
I really admire your ability to stay focused and on track. How do you do that? Must be from your Jedi training.
You really are doing a great job on you.
Cali,
That was a nice thing for you to do for that man. I think when we do nice gestures for others with no expectatio of reciprocation in any form is an act of genuine kindness. And I'm glad you treated yourself to a sit down lunch! Love it:-)
You are doing great. Hope 2015 brings you peace!
Hi, Cali,
Happy New Year to you, fellow "Foo" - Friend
.
I've been catching up on your thread. I have been taking a bit of a break, sorting some things out.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and where you are. The last straw feeling, and being more detached than ever. It gets to the point where we have to accept that they are really not the same person we M right now. I think I went through, oh.....47,821 rounds of "ok, yes, he's not the man I M anymore" before I truly accepted it as truth.
I just couldn't get it through my head.... How can he be so gone? Surely he has to be in there somewhere I can reach him? He was absolutely crazy about me until, well....until he wasn't. But he has to be in there if only I could get through to him and he will snap out of this...
Ahhhh.....nope.
I think that was what really was in the way of me doing alot of the mirror work. In my head ... being a fixer and all .. I thought .. no way, not us, 24 years .. I can still reach her in there somehow no matter how deep or twisted the tunnel. ..... like you said .. Ahhhh ... NOPEI do believe with all that I am, that many will come through this crisis, wake up, and want to do whatever it takes to fix the damage. I know it is possible. You just have to decide to live your life in the mean time, and decide if you wish to outlast it. Whatever is best for you, is where you put your energy. Especially with a young s....the steaks are high, for sure.
I am not so certain ... we have been ... strike that.. I have been pretty dark with her for about 2 weeks now. I know her, in and out .. granted the tunnel and fog I do not know her now .. but all the guilt is going to really get her once she tries to face it and I have a feeling it is this that will keep her in that tunnel .... well that's my fear/opinion anyways and one that does not have a grip on me like it used to. I'm so glad you decided to treat yourself to a nice lunch.
Keep doing what you're doing, Cali. You're growth and your journey are amazing to watch from here
Nice thing you did with that guy, Luke. Makes you feel good, right?
So, how's it feelin, that detachment? I'm thinking it feels good to not be tethered to everything she says and does.
You are getting closer to the bacon and chocolate and coffee and stuff on the other side....yay you~!
You sure have come a long way in a year. Make this one the one where Luke knows his worth really and truly. Make it be the one where you get to decide who you want to be.
Im smiling over here, my friend. Good on you.
Thank uR .. and yeah ... this past year I have done more of those types of things, I read a quote Mother Teresa said when asked how she helped so many , she replied that to her every person in need was just Jesus in disguise ... it stuck.
As far as the detachment .. its better, but in a strange way surreal, I have come to accept the death of my M, the W and person she was... and its honestly tragic. I realized it felt like an obsession, every thought seemed not to far from her, not that its gone ... but now at least requires a trigger (and there are plenty) ... I accept it. I spent 24 years with that girl and there will never be a replacement for what we shared ... ironically even if its with her again. So ... yeah .. thats where I am in that, I am detached ... not sure if its "lovingly" at the moment ... I am still holding on to some of that anger to fuel me over the canyon. As you said .. I need to love myself enough to never allow her to treat me as she has ... its her journey ... I have enough adult stuff to focus on.
BAcon .. yes ... I am all in for the bacon .. hold the coffee .. never touch the stuff. As a kid my mom worked in a coffee shop, I would go in before going to school and was convinced that was how the government controlled the population ..... sure .. laugh all you want at my tin foil hat !!
Wow Caliguy. That is some way to start the year! I too have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last year...where I was vs where I am. We have all come a long way.
I really admire your ability to stay focused and on track. How do you do that? Must be from your Jedi training.
You really are doing a great job on you.
Lol ... mleigh ... I am not so sure I am the poster child for focus .. look butterfly.
Cali,
That was a nice thing for you to do for that man. I think when we do nice gestures for others with no expectation of reciprocation in any form is an act of genuine kindness. And I'm glad you treated yourself to a sit down lunch! Love it:-)
You are doing great. Hope 2015 brings you peace!
Thanks GB .. your updates always make me smile, I admire that strength and way you carry yourself ... especially the raw honesty portion
Ok .. not much as far as a sitch update. Still pretty dark on that front, mostly because of me ... just not wanting to be near that circus let alone be tempted to jump on the Merry-Go-Round. I need space and time to really figure out what I want .... yeah .. me ... imagine that.
W seems to use S as a way to communicate, sending pics/stories about what they are doing ... like a teenage girl looking for ways to get attention and all that. I took S Sat night ... we enjoyed our night together ... then Sunday morning we went to mass, nice breakfast out, then pulled a double dip at the theater.... leads me to ... Ok .. So S and I seen "Into the woods" .... not long in I turned this into a MLC movie in my head and wow what a spin. But as I watched this .. it became very clear to me, I have been guilty of chasing W into the woods trying to save her, in the process I lost me, so now I can see a clearing and I am walking out of the woods ... sure I have hopes W will emerge sometime .. but knowing when and if she does .. she will never be that girl that I knew who entered into that mysterious place, she will be forever changed just as I am.
Anyways ... mid way through ... W TM me asking how S is, saying she is having withdrawals and missing him. I replied after the movie was over, he was good we were enjoying our time together . I am starting to get a touch irritated .. she TM all the time while I have S .... its my time, this is your choice .. seems she feels left out as he and I are doing things ... who knows.. I just choose to respond much later.
I've been fighting a cold all weekend, dropped off S and she looked good, asked if I was feeling better and I told her no .. gave S a hug and went on my way .. she told me to feel better nicely .. I smirked as I walked away ... which is it .. want me dead, want me feeling better ... lol .. guess it depends on the MLC day.
Happy the Holidays are over so I can get back into my typical routine, looking forward to Wednesday night and the RCIA program. Get my focus back on me ... Friday night I did have a blonde show some interest .. I am well versed in the art of dodge and weave ... but it was nice to be noticed and all that. I am no where close to being able to "go there" ... but enough alone time and sue one thinks about it ... hard not to .. but I am not there ... and lets face it .. who needs more on his plate .. 1,2,3 not it.
Hey Luke, it is hard to think about who they were and who they become. There is always hope that they will come through and out the other side.
Oh, I am with you on the coffee. I dont drink it. But apparently, as I have been told many times by my buds, it is to die for. LOL!
So, we will hold the coffee. Just keep going so you can get to the good stuff.
.
So just thought I'd sneak on real quick
.... S has his eye thing acting up again and W scheduled an appt ... Tm me with what was going on and made sure I would commit to being here "beachside you know I can't handle him in these situations" ... Then directed the conversation towards what she should do about her missing charger for her computer.. I suggested one store and realized... NMP ... Yup.. Not my problem
So sitting here early waiting for them to show ... It's been a long time since we have done anything together, not that I would choose this... But it is what it is ... PMA ... And hope for the best
Ok ...
Arrived at the appt early .. as I mentioned above I had a little time so I thought I would check the forum from the phone, the appt went "ok" ... S has some sensitivity issues with his eyes and we finally were lucky enough to get a specialist whom seems to have his stuff together and answered alot of long time questions. Was a point with the eyedrops I had to help restrain the poor kid, W held his hands as I had his torso and head .... needless to say S was pretty upset towards us both for the betrayal ... lol We waited for the dialation to take place and lil dude was giving us both the cold shoulder .. W actually gave me a playful face and pointed at me insinuating he gets this attitude and behavior from me ... I joked back and politely pointed out that apple is closer to her tree than mine.
During the process ... early on I was looking at W as she was talking with the Dr ... I felt little to no connection, she did not look as beautiful to me today, I even caught myself thinking and wondering what happened to her, its like I did not hardly know her at all. In the waiting room as S was giving us the cold shoulder ... I was emailing S's teacher and W was coloring ... yes ... a 42 year old MLC woman all into coloring ... I did take that in for a second and thank the MLC for that internal giggle. So I was feeling pretty removed honestly, I realize she is the mother of my son, but I felt little, neighborly even ... then she asked S for a hug .. he looked at me first .. as if he wanted approval .. I nodded to him and whispered .. "go give give your mom a hug" .. she then sat him on her lap and started reading a book to him. The image and scene warped me to happier days we shared, she then ... for a little moment was my wife, just a glimpse ... but left an impression making me realize what I am still standing for, why I have not given up on this M ... fule for a day/week if you will.
After the appt, I walked them to the car, opened her door as I have made a point to do this past year, hugged S .. wished them a nice rest of their day and left. If anything ... granted the MLC stinks and all that ... I have not been public enemy #1 all the time, I did not get sucked in today, only reminded of a life I hope may happen but it will not destroy me if it doesn't.
Still learning to walk ... getting closer. I still have work to do, the obvious one for me is how to pull off the lovingly detach portion of this push/pull game ... seems for me to detach I have to fuel it with some anger or event she has done to propel myself away, over time I come down and back on the merry-go-round I go ... this is the cycle I must figure out how to conquer.
I'm glad the appointment went well and I hope you can get some answers that will help with your S's eyes.
Please, when you figure out the answer to the detach, push/pull game, let me know!!! I'm right there with you
Cali I'm right there with you. In order to effectively detach I need to be angry, or at the very least annoyed. When I'm not feeling those I can get stuck in having my heart take over for a bit and think that a positive interaction or gesture of caring from H means more than it does.
After reading so many sitchs and hearing from others, I'm convinced the biggest contributor to getting to detachment is time.
I wish it was a faster process for sure!
Hang in there- you are doing awesome!
I'd say you're getting the hang of the push/pull game, Cali. And the detachment. You're detaching from the outcome. You are seeing things differently. And you are coming out of the cloud of fear to see things as they are vs. how they could or "should" be. That's how we start this process - seeing things clearly and accepting them for what they are.
The promises made to us? They are made by fallible people to fallible people. That started long before you met her or she met you.
Hang in there, Cali. You are growing. You will continue to grow and you'll continue to see things in a more accurate way. And you'll continue to learn.
To be frank, you're living a pretty good life amigo. And you have a great son and a life you like living to show for it. That's far better than many. Remember to be grateful for the things you have and the path you're on.
And continue to detach and accept what is. The rest will be taken care of. Trust that.
AJ
Mleigh: This detach, push pull thing ... I think the secret is just like anything that turns out really well ... is work and time. It can not be rushed, and I do feel we put pressure on ourselves to detach, to make the pain stop, and this we want NOW. I am not as detached as I would like .. but compared to where I was .. I am not sitting here thinking about W all day like I was too .. baby steps.
Daring: Yeah .. just as I mentioned above .. time, work .. and yes for me .. a little anger/disappointment to fuel me to the next level.
AJ: I respect you and where you are coming from so much .. and yeah ... you are spot on as usual Thank you for all your advice, replies, and pointing out things to a guy who sometimes needs to think in a different direction. I have been in a bit of a strange place as of late, a strange calmness knowing regardless I am going to be just fine. I realized looking at the past year .. and even further back than that. I am in such a better place now (Job, Father to my S and our bond, spiritually). My M was not as good as it should/could have been ... I played my part, I own that .. its all I can do. I know that M is dead .. I was honestly terrified of losing all that, but honestly ... it is for the best. If .. big IF ... there is a new M that arises out of the ashes that would be great, if not .. I accept that too. I am starting to see things clearly, even caught my prayer patterns shift .... I used to pray God save us, her, me, our M ... now .. I still pray He guide me and her, that we both find peace, I am at His mercy and what His will is .. I accept that. I am now shaking my head at the irony ... I am peeking out of the woods ... and realizing I have not come completely out of this .. but I know I must now somehow take parts of the old me and combine them with the new ... who's the MLC me or her? I like who I am turning into ... much better person, improved, and for the first time in my life I feel stable and my priorities are in the right spot.
Mini update to follow after my meeting ....
Ok ... So W seems to be all concerned about the $$ lately. I have been doing well in this department, looking back .. having her handle the bills and such was not the best move, I really do not think she is good with money but I was Mr Fixer and Pleaser so I never caused a rift, we had food and the lights turned on ... I was happy with that. One thing that will not ever go back to the way it was.
S has some things coming up, Baseball, Chess Club, Birthday, etc. Seems W wants me to pay for all these things ... split the Birthday party ... I will pay them for now as I do not feel S should miss out nor be punished for his MLC mothers issues, however I am documenting theses items for any future talks when she decided to try to squeeze me for paying 1/2 of whatever she can think of when it comes to S.
She also TM me about S, telling me to give him water (I do not get him for 5 hours at that time .. smh) asking if I would be paying for the 1/2 the birthday party....1/2 tuition next year, to let her know as she will have to file for financial aid and look into a new school for S (We both love the school he is in, but I have in heated exchanges threatened to cut her off and S would have to go to a public school). Again ... he should not have to alter his life for her choices, I did find myself start to get a little more .... concerned would be the word. My initial response in my head was .."Under the current circumstances I will continue to pay as I have ... however this all changes if we D" as I think she is getting her ducks in a row and looking to press this D issue .... however I just replied "I will continue to pay half of his tuition" .... if the D goes this will all be negotiated anyways so no need to fuel the flame that she seems to be fanning on her end today.
I am calm, not really freaking out ... however I have been thinking about how she has been so cold and such for a couple weeks. Sparked by S witnessing her and OM kiss. Not my proplem ... however ... I am digging deep and questioning myself here today ... D very well may be the "Last Straw" for me. I am not sure I would stand and wait after that, just something I need to think about and address, seems at the moment having the power and knowledge I could walk at any point from this on my terms helps ... If she gets the D and her way AGAIN ... not sure I really want to fight it any longer, just self processing some things and blabbling them aloud to you all here.
Hey Luke. Detaching and letting go take time. They just do. It is a process and a mindset. You are getting it.
Still mindreading some, no?
The great thing about all this is that you get to decide what you want. The other great thing is that you dont have to decide anything today.
Not sure what you mean by "Gets her way again".
Here's the thing. She was unhappy. She did what she thought she needed to do to get happy. People in crisis dont make the best decisions.
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I am not at all saying that if you get divorced you shouldnt decide if you are done.
I would like to see you make that decision from a place of strength, and not anger and disappointment.
Keep moving forward. How's that light saber?
uR .... yeah .. I suppose its all about the time and process, I see that now and accept it is not like yanking out a loose tooth.
Mindreading? ... no .. Jedi speculation
I think the "Gets her way again" remark is the hurt little boy ... sure she is in crisis, but seems this MLC thing they get to act out and behave as they want, regardless of who it effects. Coupled with some of the issues we had when we were actually both understanding we were married ... she typically had to have things her way, one of the mistakes I made looking back was going with it to avoid the melt downs, and not sticking up for what I wanted more. I did on certain things, but I gave just to avoid the blow up far to often.
I see your point on the "being done" front. Just thinking about it I am not sure I would still stand after D, I just do not know at this point. When and if I do decide its enough .... hard to think its not going to come from a place of disappointment, but I am getting stronger, I feel it, I am more at peace and looking forward to things I have lined up, and things God seems to be putting in front of me.
Hows the light saber ? That seems like seriously personal question ... lol ... naaaa all is good, still training I think but the force is flowing stronger in this Jedi.
Mini update, not much to add. W arrived somewhat early which was nice so I could get ready to go to my class. She got out of the car, looked tired and stressed ... I had some serious PMA going hard for some reason. S walked towards her car, turned and sprinted towards me giving me the biggest bear hug ... I sent him off and walked W to her door and opened it for her (Something I started doing last year for a 180 and have made a point to continue ... kill em with kindness type thing) She told me I did'nt have to, I just gave her a look like .. come on .. I joked with S .. wished them a good night and walked back into the house.
Cranked up the Harley and rode it to class .. been almost 2 weeks since I have taken it out. Enjoyed the class, starting to feel like I am accepted and fitting in and actually opening up and discussing things. I was approached to do some volunteer work and told David I would be more than open to that group once the class was over, ... again .. more opportunities to meet more people and get myself out there more often. GAL GAL GAL
I think the "Gets her way again" remark is the hurt little boy ... sure she is in crisis, but seems this MLC thing they get to act out and behave as they want, regardless of who it effects.
Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?
Coupled with some of the issues we had when we were actually both understanding we were married ... she typically had to have things her way, one of the mistakes I made looking back was going with it to avoid the melt downs, and not sticking up for what I wanted more. I did on certain things, but I gave in just to avoid the blow up far to often.
So, that was an issue you
both contributed to, yes?
I see your point on the "being done" front. Just thinking about it I am not sure I would still stand after D, I just do not know at this point. When and if I do decide its enough .... hard to think its not going to come from a place of disappointment
Will there be sadness and disapppointment if is comes to that? Yes. But when making the decision...it should be made from a place of strength, with the knowledge that you have done everything you could and the understanding that it is what is best for you. Im nitpicking words, perhaps, but, it is an important difference I think. When you are done, you will know it. You will feel it.
As I've said, dont get ahead of yourself. You may decide to be done, but, for now, today is not that day.
Hows the light saber ? That seems like seriously personal question ... lol.
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LOL! I like, Luke. Well, we are friends, right? Just sayin...;)
. naaaa all is good, still training I think butthe force is flowing stronger in this Jedi.
Yes, I agree.
I had some serious PMA going hard for some reason.
I'm thinking it's because of that Jedi stuff that's been working on ya.
Cranked up the Harley and rode it to class.
That sounds like fun!!
... again . more opportunities to meet more people and get myself out there more often. GAL GAL GAL
Go, Luke, goooooooooooo! LOL!
Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?
Um, yeah. It would. I can't even imagine what that would be like and what it would take to "feel" alright about myself and my choices.
On the other hand, if this was your MLC Cali, you wouldn't be making positive choices you are actually happy with. Nor would you question your choices like that. Crazy doesn't question itself
(They call it mid-life crisis because the choices cause a crisis of some sort. To a person outside their head, it looks more like mid-life crazy.)
Truth is, they are not really "crazy" in many instances. They are broken and frantically trying to fix themselves. I remember describing my ex as "shattered. And its as if she is trying to put herself back together, but the pieces aren't quite right." That went on for a very long time. There was sadness seeing that. But what I see now is certainly not happiness and peace. Far from it, and I don't look directly nor have contact. I see it through my son and the things that happen in his life with his mom. Not the person I knew at all, and not one I like in the least.
By the time the D came around, it was almost a race to see who was going to file. She was already making plans to marry the OM and had tried all manner of things to try and hurt me and the kids. I'd had enough but the hurt little boy wasn't done - just quiet. I hung on long enough to see for myself what she was going to do, and promised myself that I would let her club me like a baby seal. I knew that no matter what she did, she couldn't hurt me if I didn't allow it. That damage was done, and there was going to be no more.
I also knew that regardless of what she said, it was going to be me that had to "leave" her (the relationship). For my own sake, I had to do that.
When it all first came to light, I chose my priorities and I stuck to them. She was free to make her own choices from the beginning of our R and I reiterated that to her on several occasions. I make sure that even now I live my choices. I said she could leave (that was early on; she had just told me she wanted to date people two at a time and bring them into the house. Then cried for hours. Go figure, but I don't wish what I saw on anyone. )
But what I see now? I see things differently. I made a strong effort to not "re-remember" things but instead to honor the past. To see it for what it was - past. And to see her for what she was. Broken and trying to fix herself. Different.
Something that has been difficult - forgiveness. Why? I'm human and she and OM have tried very hard to harass, hurt, etc. She's human. Not a monster. Not crazy (per se). Just human and prone to make human choices. No better and no worse than I am. Heck, it could have been me that did what she did (except not with OM)
Life is going to have its challenges. We should expect them - I didn't before, but should have. My mistake and I own that. They make you bitter or better, Cali. You're well on your way to being better and at some point you'll be thankful for the growth from this experience. With or without her being able to be part of your life in the future. Right now, that's her choice in some capacity. It's your choice always and you know that.
It may be hard for you to see now, but your life really is much better than it was in your M if you ask me. The issues are out in the open. You're communicating. Your growth is astounding. Your view and acceptance of reality is awesome. Your relationship with your S? Brilliant.
As an outsider, I'd look at your life and think "what a lucky guy." Because I know there are great things you'll be ready for in the future, that you would have otherwise missed.
She may have meant it for anger and evil against you, but I have to say that's not how it's playing out from what I see. Perhaps she won't be able to catch up. That's sad for her. But it seems to be the best gift you and your S could have received.
Be grateful that you were able to go through this, Cali. If not yet, you will be. Not everyone comes through better so quickly. And not everyone gets the opportunities you're being given.
AJ
Amazing post, AJ.
AJ - your point of view was comforting and really rings true. I read Cali's posts and I also think what a great person. What a loving dad. My impression is only of great possibilities. I see very little actually holding Cali back at this point.
Of course real emotions and real life have a habit of intruding. Your post acknowledged that but Cali don't lose sight of all you have accomplished. AJ is very wise.
Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?
Um, yeah. It would. I can't even imagine what that would be like and what it would take to "feel" alright about myself and my choices.
On the other hand, if this was your MLC Cali, you wouldn't be making positive choices you are actually happy with. Nor would you question your choices like that. Crazy doesn't question itself
(They call it mid-life crisis because the choices cause a crisis of some sort. To a person outside their head, it looks more like mid-life crazy.)
Wow AJ ... I read this via my phone, was blown away, read it several times after .. still same effect. I wanted to reply but honestly had to gather some thoughts as this post ... just wow.
Truth is, they are not really "crazy" in many instances. They are broken and frantically trying to fix themselves. I remember describing my ex as "shattered. And its as if she is trying to put herself back together, but the pieces aren't quite right." That went on for a very long time. There was sadness seeing that. But what I see now is certainly not happiness and peace. Far from it, and I don't look directly nor have contact. I see it through my son and the things that happen in his life with his mom. Not the person I knew at all, and not one I like in the least.
By the time the D came around, it was almost a race to see who was going to file. She was already making plans to marry the OM and had tried all manner of things to try and hurt me and the kids. I'd had enough but the hurt little boy wasn't done - just quiet. I hung on long enough to see for myself what she was going to do, and promised myself that I would let her club me like a baby seal. I knew that no matter what she did, she couldn't hurt me if I didn't allow it. That damage was done, and there was going to be no more.
Yeah, I think thats where I have arrived, I think its a mix of the "GingerBread Kiss" and the New Year... just the fact she would put S in that position made me realize its completely about her, and nothing I can do ... gave me enough anger to fuel myself away from her, its one thing for her to hurt me, I can take it .. but to expose S just before Christmas .. ummm ..ya, not someone I want in my life really. Feels like this gave me the energy I needed to walk to the other side of the street, she can stay where she is for as long as she needs ... I am going to build my house over here, its safe, secure, and peaceful ... friendly gated community and I am just not going to buzz in any crazies. I also knew that regardless of what she said, it was going to be me that had to "leave" her (the relationship). For my own sake, I had to do that.
When it all first came to light, I chose my priorities and I stuck to them. She was free to make her own choices from the beginning of our R and I reiterated that to her on several occasions. I make sure that even now I live my choices. I said she could leave (that was early on; she had just told me she wanted to date people two at a time and bring them into the house. Then cried for hours. Go figure, but I don't wish what I saw on anyone. )
But what I see now? I see things differently. I made a strong effort to not "re-remember" things but instead to honor the past. To see it for what it was - past. And to see her for what she was. Broken and trying to fix herself. Different.
Something that has been difficult - forgiveness. Why? I'm human and she and OM have tried very hard to harass, hurt, etc. She's human. Not a monster. Not crazy (per se). Just human and prone to make human choices. No better and no worse than I am. Heck, it could have been me that did what she did (except not with OM)
As far as forgiveness ... yeah that's a tough one, I am torn. Part of me thinks its far to easy to put all the blame on the crisis, and say its not her fault ... but the other part of me knows I deserved better, not to be put through that hell that was 2014. That being said I refuse to let it define me, to allow it to make me bitter, This all happened for a reason, to transform me into the person I am supposed to be and without going through this I can easily admit I would have never put the shoes on to walk this journey.
Life is going to have its challenges. We should expect them - I didn't before, but should have. My mistake and I own that. They make you bitter or better, Cali. You're well on your way to being better and at some point you'll be thankful for the growth from this experience. With or without her being able to be part of your life in the future. Right now, that's her choice in some capacity. It's your choice always and you know that.
It may be hard for you to see now, but your life really is much better than it was in your M if you ask me. The issues are out in the open. You're communicating. Your growth is astounding. Your view and acceptance of reality is awesome. Your relationship with your S? Brilliant.
As an outsider, I'd look at your life and think "what a lucky guy." Because I know there are great things you'll be ready for in the future, that you would have otherwise missed.
She may have meant it for anger and evil against you, but I have to say that's not how it's playing out from what I see. Perhaps she won't be able to catch up. That's sad for her. But it seems to be the best gift you and your S could have received.
Be grateful that you were able to go through this, Cali. If not yet, you will be. Not everyone comes through better so quickly. And not everyone gets the opportunities you're being given.
AJ
AJ ... I have always been a person who knew every day would present its own challenges and issues, I think the problem I had with this early on was how "wronged" I felt, how unfair it was .. and how there was no remorse .... learning what I have learned here helped me get past that, focus on me .. and even admit to myself I had a good load of issues that I needed to address ... stop focusing on her, heck .. obsessing was more like the correct term honestly. And with the help of so many here, I was nudged to keep my eyes on my own paper ... this board is a God-send. I know I would have never done the work had this not happened, I have caught myself at times thankful for this chance, how many times in ones life do they get a chance to start over and be better for it. Yes ... its painful, sure I want my W and M ... but big picture ... I needed to be saved to have a chance at a happy life and without this happening I would have never put in the work.
I actually looked back at the past year, M and W aside ... I have been blessed in so many ways. I started a new job just about BD time ... left my previous job of 17 years .. since then I have been promoted (in just 4 months) to where I have been groomed to be, its a better work environment and I am appreciated. I have exposed myself socially playing football and softball, and the biggest improvement is my R with S ... sure we were always good, but when your time with your son is limited it becomes that much more valuable for you .. atleast thats how I feel .. and I cherish/look forward to our time together.
And yeah .. in a strange way I am grateful and humbled to have had the opportunity to go through this journey ... its not one I would say I desired .. I have even joked with God that he could have gone about it differently and maybe a bit more gentle .. but I realize who I was and how that would never have worked. He blessed me ... I recently heard a sermon that hit home ... the message was how God loves us as we are, but he loves us to much to allow us to remain this way, He wants to improve us and for us to become who he desired us to be.
Little bit of an update
So not much going on with my sitch .. why? Well because its been pretty dark and I have honestly been relatively detached to a point I am not thinking about what she is or isn't doing, I have been pretty busy.
Friday she showed up at my place to pick up S ... she rang the doorbell but upstairs I did not hear it, she TM she was there and we came out as she was waiting by the car. I was good on PMA, ... as was S .. he gave me a big hug and jumped in the car, only to tell W to wait .. jumped out and gave me another big hug ... that kid I swear .. W had this look on her face ... not sure what it was nor will I mindread but I know she wishes S were more like this with her and I do feel he would be but he does not trust her as emotionally she is not usually consistent.
Saturday I woke up and started my fun GAL's ... yanno laundry and cleaning chores .. lol. W dropped off S for an hour or two so she could go to the eye Dr, we went to the store and then I let him play his video game a bit. I wasn't feeling well, had a headache I just couldn't shake. W arrived and I walked S out ... another big hug .. seems to be a trend lately .. long huge hugs from him. W told me about how busy the Eye Dr is and that I should hurry and get in, I told her I was waiting till March so the insurance would cover the frames ... she once again started in I calmly told her I have already been in contact and that I have it handled. I went up and finished some cleaning and decided to try to sleep off the headache ... woke up 5 hours later ... lol Phone had 10 TM and 3 missed calls .... most the TM were from my football buddies, the calls were W , I called and she said she was feeling better, was ill and wanted me to come get S .... I was actually glad I missed the call, and was not there to "save" her.
Sunday, picked S up early as he told me he wanted to go to mass with me. W seemed fine ... so off S and I went, mass then I took him with me .. bought some new clothes, fetl good to spend some money on myself .. couple shirts, pants and shoes ... I also showed S the tickets that came in for our Jan 31st Boys night out ... Yup .. Monster Trucks .. should be fun!! Came home and helped S with his homework, cooked, shower and then watched Gremlins .. he loved it.
Dropped off S this morning .. W said hello, has been a bit since I have even got that .. I replied, another huge hug from S ... she asked if I had a second to talk ... sure ... she invited me in but I declined. Was just trivial stuff about S school and field trip, seems to be typical .. i answered only about what was going on ... said I would think about the field trip (if I wanted to volunteer or not) I wished her a good day and eneded the conversation ... she had that look like she wanted to discuss more/talk more ... but honestly I really did'nt ... its the push pull thing, she has felt me pull back so now she predictably is pushing ... the "How are you doing's" etc. And as predicted ... missed call as she was on her way to work , left a VM asking about another school meeting Tuesday wanting me to call her back.
At this point, I just feel like I will co-parent the best I can. Its all I can do ... seems to be on her low cycle when she usually reaches out to me, and in the past I have always been there but I see now this is not helping her on her journey ... in fact it just keeps her in the vicious cycle and she is not looking at herself. Tough love .. whatever it is .. in my heart I know its what I must do to protect myself and to allow her to continue her journey.
My focus the past week or so ... new place. My roomate is putting the house back up on the market next month, timing seems to be in my favor, I will have some $$ saved up and decided its time, My place .. just need to find one dog friendly .. hopefully a 2 bedroom so S has his own room, I can pull out the furniture from storage ... its an exciting chapter I soon will open up and one I am looking forward to.
Luuuuuukkkke, you are sounding good. I like.
Just wanted to write a bit about forgiveness. It's a process. While anger served a purpose on my journey to propel me forward, I didn’t want to carry it and resentment around with me. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. So, I made a decision to work towards a place of one day having empathy and compassion.
I feel that forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different.
It doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
But mostly I just realized that people are doing the best they can with what they know, with where they are and with what they’ve got. Not my place to judge, nor my place to condemn. I can only be in control of my actions. And the action I chose was to forgive and when I did, it freed me up.
I have no doubt that you will get there when you are ready.
uR ... again thank you so much....
I think there was a time I felt i forgave her, then she went right back and did the OM to me ... rinse repeat ... now ... honestly I am not so sure I have much more to forgive, I have accepted she is in crisis .... to a point I know (at least I believe) the person who I loved and married would not have done this with a clear mind ..... not to say she should not be held responsible but at this point I just do not think she is capable of such things so how can you be upset with someone who just does not exists any longer? (The old her would be so overrun with guilt its not funny .... this person who she is now ... well she is a stranger I just do not want to learn much more about) It is tragic to see what has happened to her and I see her go from happy to sad all over the place. I do not harbor ill feelings as far as the past goes .. I am not waiting around for any "I'm sorry's" I have given her and my M to God honestly and will await what the outcome is to be .... as I thought to myself today, who knows when that time will be, (I am trusting Him to let me know) but I do know at the moment I am at a place she can no longer hurt me. Like you said .. I may give up tomorrow .. but not today.
Looking at this thing its strange, When this all started I tried to become someone I wasn't, it was so new and foreign ... I jettisoned who I was out of desperation and guilt, now I have accepted things for what they are, come to peace with it, and am beginning to merge the old me and the new me. Ironically this is what I have read the MLC'r will do at some point if they do come out of the tunnel ... making me wonder who's crisis is this anyways ... lol. I like the 2.0 version of me so much more, I am not conflicted, at peace, not anxious .... I even have goals set in my head that I am striving to achieve. I have rediscovered my self worth, I am not the monster she once had me convinced I was .... I have much to offer if I choose to do so ... at the moment those lucky charms are mine to horde as I also know I have more work to do before the Grand Re-Opening
Ah, grand reopenings require bacon, wine, coffee and chocolate...just sayin...
You keep going, Luke...the world is waiting...
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Ok, I cant resist.."Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda.
Hee hee.
but I see now this is not helping her on her journey ... in fact it just keeps her in the vicious cycle and she is not looking at herself. Tough love .. whatever it is .. in my heart I know its what I must do to protect myself and to allow her to continue her journey.
Just something to add to this. While it may or may not help her... it's very definitely not helping YOU to be in that drama. Just some perspective, amigo.
My focus the past week or so ... new place. My roomate is putting the house back up on the market next month, timing seems to be in my favor, I will have some $$ saved up and decided its time, My place .. just need to find one dog friendly .. hopefully a 2 bedroom so S has his own room, I can pull out the furniture from storage ... its an exciting chapter I soon will open up and one I am looking forward to.
Yep, a new adventure to be sure. Makes life worth living, doesn't it?
UR's mention of forgiveness. I was reminded a while back about what the bible says about forgiveness. And about how surprised we'll be who is, and more importantly who is NOT in heaven. Seems a reminder to me about forgiveness and what we're taught.
But I'm also reminded about cheap forgiveness. That forgiveness that one gives that isn't really forgiveness. What you described about the earlier phases of this trip are spot on. You feel guilty, a monster, a failure. Later, as you learn to accept, you keep what's yours and give the rest back. That leaves the betrayal (of the expectations and promises.) Isn't that part of being human?
The betrayal is a serious act. It should not be forgiven lightly, but rather be forgiven completely. Not a trivial exercise as you may have seen. Anger, acceptance, empathy, compassion - they're all part of the process. But to make it stick, you have to be honest and work at it. Otherwise, on your down days, you'll revert back to the hurt little boy syndrome. That's your cue that you didn't fully forgive yet.
I only mention that so you're aware. Be careful to not consider her actions a result of her crisis. Rather, crisis came about because of her choices. Forgive because you must and because she deserves it as a human being. Forgive yourself first (sounds like you have). The reason to forgive yourself first? Because you live with you and need to lead by example, right?
You're awesome Cali. You truly are one of those people that turns a tough situation into a positive. Very lucky to be that way indeed! Although I get what you're saying about how it might have been nice to be less stressful to get there...it's just part of a day in the life. And you wouldn't be the man you are without the experience.
AJ
"ronically this is what I have read the MLC'r will do at some point if they do come out of the tunnel ... making me wonder who's crisis is this anyways ...
I love this.
Sounds like all is well in the CaliGuy world.
AJ- your words on your last post were amazing and really hit home for me. I'm so thankful that those of you who have passed through this continue to post and share. It is so valuable!
Sorry for the hijack Cali!
Cali you sound awesome! I love the integration of the old and new you into one. I'm feeling that way too. I went straight into fix it mode after BD ( and before when he was saying it might not work). After all that's what we do, right? We fix mans manage and make everything ok, and usually we are successful. I think that's one of God's lessons in this- we can't control everything and have to look to him.
I'm loving watching your journey unfold Cali- you've got greatness now and in your future!!