Aaaaaand.....
The saga continues. Can it no longer be a saga? When will it be something else?
I can tell you this... it isn't a Hollywood romance.
But, s17 and I talked today about reality tv. I told him that cameras should follow me around bc I have drama all round me... more than enough to make a show. He agreed, but said that it would get canceled. Nobody would want to watch bc it would be too much to handle just watching. We got a good laugh out of it at least.
I need to stay my course. My plan this week is to do exactly that. I think I am going to plan something with a friend. I will also plan an evening alone in a quiet place, even if it's at the library or a coffee shop. I need to do that. Xh's focus is the kids. That is really good. I am sure he intends on p/u d13 from practice every day. So this actually works out very well. Xh gets a little more time being dad. And I get a break and can do something for me. Yippe... library, here I come! (I actually really like being at my local library. It is 3 stories tall (not story books... but like flights of stairs... OK, corny), so I can get lost and it is peaceful and no one bothers me.
That reminds me. I used to tutor high school kids at this library. There was a boy I used to tutor, who played football with s17. His sister is on d13's basketball team. I give her rides a lot, and have him too. Well, the other day, he shot someone 3 times (being called a hate crime). Yikes! I feel so badly for both families. It is such a sad situation.
And on tomorrow's episode of..... hmm..... what name would I give my reality show???????? Hmmmm........ I've got to think about that. Anyone? I'm sure GGG could come up with some doozies.
Hey Mighty - I tune in everyday for my daily episode of Life with Mighty
Don't cancel it now !!
Looking forward to seeing what titles everyone comes up with - will have to have a think about this one.
I heard someone say today - You need some TOFU - baffled me for a while, why would anyone
need bean curd (sorry to any veggies out there) and then she told me - Time Out For U - ah, duh
So glad you are going to have some tofu
Posted by Ss on last thread:
I admire your desire and ability to have his back after all that has happened. And to try to have no expectations along that ride is more that I could give, I think. How are you doing that? Meow will you keep your expectations in check? I'm amazed at your strength and tenacity.
I seriously don't think I could do it. (((Hugs))). You're an incredible woman, mighty. Incredible.
Wow, Ss. Thank you, but I really don't think I'm incredible, at all. Nothing special. Just doing what I feel is right. I am a very loyal person. I am very genuine, too. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. It may be harsh sometimes, but, at least people don't question my honesty or where I stand.
I am loyal to xh because of what I know we had. I know that this past year, our r has been more of a spectacle than a three-ring circus. But honestly, I don't care what anyone has to say about it. It is something that we have to decide. Anyway, I know who he was to me. I know he is still that person, just really messed up. How could I abandon that? I know he has hurt me terribly, but I know his intention wasn't to hurt me and the kids. What was it? Who knows? He doesn't. I get that he abandoned me. But I don't get down like that. That is not who I am. So, how could I abandon someone who I love and care about so deeply? How could I see them struggling and hurt and just watch from the sidelines?
I made it clear to him that it is not about me being weak and letting him walk in whenever he wants. That my house does not have a rotating door. That it does not mean that we are going to be in a r. It means that we are family. We always will be, regardless of what happens. That I will always want what is best for him and have his back, but that I have boundaries too. That he can make whatever choices in his life that he wants. No one has control over the choices he makes. I don't have a say in what he does, however I have a say in me. That I have boundaries too. That he has choices and so do I.
I gotta say, it is difficult to have no expectation. Honestly, does that mean I am looking for something... well... that's difficult to put into words. I am slightly embarrassed to say this, but it is the truth... I think what I want is to see him put forth lots of effort into me. That is, if he wants me back. I can't guarantee that will happen. But it will be then that I will have a better idea of what I want to happen. So this is where the no expectations comes into play. I don't expect him to do this. I know for sure that right now, he does not have the emotional capacity to do that. So, I will be his friend and co-parent. I will support him as a good friend. But with boundaries. I cannot support anything with her lingering around. So, I have to support his actions to finalize things with her. As uncomfortable as it makes me, it is reality. If that changes, my boundary is set, and I am no longer the supportive friend. But I also will not go back and forth. This is it.
If for some reason he does the above and show that he wants to put real effort into this, then we will address it and take the necessary steps. I don't want him to grovel or anything like that. That's not what I mean.
Oh my gosh... I have the most talkative fingers around. Sorry.
With that said, Ss, I am humbled and flattered. I really don't think I am anything special. Just doing what is in my heart. But thanks. It's always nice to get a compliment!
And back at cha, babe!
Whoa. Shot someone 3 times? Oh, I just can't wrap my head around all that. That's just terrible. Is your s17 doing ok with all that?
I love the library, too. Definitely a favorite place. I love books but it's the quiet I really seek. And that no one needs my attention while I'm there.
I am loyal to xh because of what I know we had. I know that this past year, our r has been more of a spectacle than a three-ring circus. But honestly, I don't care what anyone has to say about it. It is something that we have to decide. Anyway, I know who he was to me. I know he is still that person, just really messed up. How could I abandon that? I know he has hurt me terribly, but I know his intention wasn't to hurt me and the kids. What was it? Who knows? He doesn't. I get that he abandoned me. But I don't get down like that. That is not who I am. So, how could I abandon someone who I love and care about so deeply? How could I see them struggling and hurt and just watch from the sidelines?
Hi Mighty, I'd just like to say that I really, really like that^^^ and can relate to much of it. Especially the "knowing what we had", and not wanting to abandon our spouses.
Oh, and by the way, you are indeed special, and even incredible!
That was supposed to be a reply to a friends text but I accidently posted here. Whoops
Ha, brook. I thought it was a secret code I was missing.
Posted on old thread from AJ:
How could you not be his friend through this? I mean, you could wash your hands of it, but I don't think that's the real you vs. being his friend and enforcing your boundaries. Quietly. Lovingly. And with the grace you have inside you.
No matter how things turn out, Mighty, I doubt you could just coldly walk away. Ss, you too. Humans are funny creatures, but we don't (normally) just discard somebody we love. Hard as that is to think that somebody did that to you, doesn't mean we return same. It would lessen our own humanity if we did.
Get some sleep, Mighty!
AJ
Yes AJ. And you called it right off the bat in one of the very first posts on my first thread. It seemed like an abstract idea at the time. One that was almost incomprehensible. Not that I couldn't be, but pretty far off the radar at that point.
I gotta say, this is tough stuff. I don't like what I am thinking/feeling. A couple of things, one is insecure. I have had a couple of texts and I get hopeful they are from him. It has been a long time since I wanted that. In fact, I had quite the opposite feeling not so long ago. I don't want that needy, desperate feeling. I had finally shaken it. I need to regroup.
I am also insecure about him. I see his sincerity, but actions say it all. I am very insecure with this too. Grrrr....
And they are together at work. It brings me back to last year.... During the week is when he would pull away and become so distant & different. Bc he was with her then. I had this uneasy feeling when I got to work today. Seriously. It was all too familiar, and one yr ago today that he moved out. I had the same feeling of insecurity then that I do now. And feeling the week day's distance. (She was with her x on wkends too.)
I don't like this. I've come too far. I had a good morning at work. I will maintain that. Stay focused, tread lightly.
Xh asked over the wkend if I unblocked him from my work email. I simply said no. Today, I almost did & sent him a msg that I had, but decided to leave it alone. He knows how to a hold of me anyway.
Stay the course!! Focus on me & kids.
AJ, i sure wish sleep was that easy. Maybe tonight.
Things are ok. Broke my iphone AGAIN! This is the 6th one in my household in 3or 4 months. Boo! We need serious packaging and protection!!
Xh texted a little yesterday. (I see my post didn't *post* yesterday)
Called on way home from work, and came over last night. Had dinner w us. Bought shingles to fix roof. S17 getting much more settled. It was like old times- the 4 of us laughing together.
HWW is losing her mind. Sunday was her "closure" and professing that she has accepted him leaving. Monday, I think she was upset he didn't pursue her at work, as they didn't talk. It is so evident that she is so used to getting what she wants and uses whatever tactic she can when she doesn't.
So much for acceptance & closure...
She's going crazy, driving by all the time and trying to control him. When he left work, after not reaching out to her, she started up again. She is using this babying a pawn- threats everywhere. You won't be on birth certificate, I'm not telling you when I go into labor (uh--- c-section w mysterious date).
But the kicker- "I know what you are doing!" Saying he is coming back to me. She said she is calling the police to file a complaint on "your crazy wife" for last weeks incident so I won't be able to be near her daughter. (Ha! She even called me his wife and is so self absorbed that she does not get it). She has nothing, just looks crazy.
He said, remember- I was married to my wife when we started messing around. And you know we were married when you got pregnant.
She does not get it. I told him before that I would sue her for the pain & suffering my kids have endured and I have a years worth of professional documentation (not that I would, I'm not like that, nor ever threatened, but she is clueless and has never thought about what my kids have been through- once- and is using her son as a pawn w xh, even though it's not his!) just to make her think. So xh mentions that I have looked I to it to sue both of them.
Not sure what she thinks of that, maybe she will think about some things- probably not, but I really don't care. I'm in a confident place when it comes to her. Whatever happens.
Now she expects xh to take care of her before she has the baby. He is helping her out $ this month, even though I feel he owes her nothing, but it's not my place. She will get hers.
I laugh at the thought of her freaking out about me being w her baby. Who knows what will happen, but this is where the sitting back w popcorn plays in. She's trippin.
Xh is so stressed he can hardly breathe. Job, baby (is it his? What will happen? Lifetime of dealing w her), no home now, my kids & rebuilding r, my kids behavior, me (but I'm an angel....ha!, fixing house left in chaos, holidays, talking to my family, $, separating finances w her, mortgage & stuff w her......
It's unbelievable how much ______________ can be done in one year. (Sometimes a play on adjectives can be fun.)
So, I'm keeping focus on me. Ic tonight for me & s17. Haven't seen mine in a couple of weeks. She may fall on the floor.
Ok... Duh.... Noun?
I want to reiterate that I am not one to EVER threaten a law suit. I said it in jest. But really to make a point.
That's crazy talk. She just thinks there are NO consequences to her actions other than getting what she wants.
(***side note, shining.... Foo Fighters, "hero" just came on)
Anyway, I am not getting caught up in the drama. When I said it, it was right after my..... hmmmmmm... confrontation last week (I said it to xh, not as a threat, just mentioned). Whatever- over it.
Xh had crap on his truck w a dirty diaper in the bed of his truck. Seriously. What life is this??
Just gonna watch this from the sidelines. Always like a good laugh!
Mighty,
Xh had crap on his truck w a dirty diaper in the bed of his truck. Seriously. What life is this??
So childish and sophomoric. I hope XH sees the light and washes the poop from his hands that is XOW for good. He must completely disengage from XOW as she will attempt everything in the the book to suck him back.
Seriously, I think it is time for XH to compose a NC letter to XOW like Train's H did. I wish I had that script for it was perfect and to the point. No more texting, phoning or face to face contacts. Then later, when the baby is born, XH can do a DNA test to ascertain if the baby is indeed his or not.
The best possible case for your H is that OW does not list him as the father on birth certificate out of childish spite. Then your husband can claim he had a failed vasectomy reversal and could not possibly be the father. Then it will force a DNA test if she wants to force the issue. It may be harder if she lists him as father and then won't agree to a DNA test.
Wonka, I can't seem to find that thread. I looked back when you first mentioned. You are right, it needs to stop. It's crazy. He is very good at silence.... Trust me, but I can see it obviously stresses him.
Lt, I thought he needs to sign the doc to be on b cert? I know if it's his, he is going to want to take care of her. She is trying every angle. The entitlement is sickening.
In reception ofc at ic.
Should be interesting.
I've got to find that letter, wonka. I am trying to stay out of it, but it is rediculious. Maybe a suggestion? I think he is confiding for a reason. I am trying to just listen and let him take control of his mess. I can see him working at it. Will stay on the sideline, but would like to possibly show it as an example.
Mighty,
Here's a sample one that your XH can use with your approval.
Dear XOWName,
The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband that she deserves.
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.
My spouse has all the details of our relationship and she will also be told of any attempts at contact.
Thanks,
XH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can cut and print out this part to show to XH. Then warn him that the OXW will use every means in the book to suck him back and to be aware of this. Stress to him that it is best NOT to engage with her at all. No matter how stupid or silly.
If it crosses into the 'danger' area where you or the children could get hurt, then XH will need to contact the police.
Please be careful, Mighty. XOW sounds and acts unstable.
Mighty,
If you are unable to locate Train's thread w/the letter, you might want to leave an SOS for her to come to your thread and/or paste in the letter for you to read. She may even be able to provide the thread link for you.
Here is the thread that she posted on recently about her Thanksgiving:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2499098#Post2499098
Mighty,
I've got to find that letter, wonka. I am trying to stay out of it, but it is rediculious. Maybe a suggestion? I think he is confiding for a reason. I am trying to just listen and let him take control of his mess. I can see him working at it. Will stay on the sideline, but would like to possibly show it as an example.
Train said to her H that "this is your mess and it's for you to clean up" after Starsky and I guided her through the process. It is on your XH to clean up this mess himself. Not you.
BTW, I've asked Cadet or somebody else to try to dig up Train's previous threads. Fingers crossed!
I'm not sure such a letter would be wise from a legal standpoint right now.
Imagine, for a moment, that this IS his child and he does want to share custody or have visitation. A letter saying basically "f-off and I never want to see you again", sent during the third trimester of a pregnancy, might well be construed by the courts as evidence that he had no real interest in the child.
I'd be VERY careful about anything he puts in writing to her that might come back to bite him in the tushie.
Mighty, I am going to be honest with you here. That's the only way I know how to be.
While I understand your anger at the OW, the truth is that baby could be your h's. You do not know what was told to her regarding you or the marriage. There were two people in that relationship.
This is for your h to sort out. You telling him all the things you do and you getting involved with her may come back to bite you in the future.
Leave him to this. If the child is his, this woman will be in his life in some capacity and the child will be related to your children.
While I know she cheated with a married man, she is pregnant and there is a baby coming into the world that had nothing at all to do with all this.
I want to ask you something. What do you want to see when you look back at this time? Who do you want to see? What do you want your children to see?
It is best for you to step back and get back on your path. This is something he has to deal with and come to terms with.
I agree with kml, I would be careful what is put into writing.
Ellie,
You do have a valid point. At this point, this letter is in reference to the XOW not the child nor mentions any word about the baby.
Geez. What a complicated mess! What do you suggest, Ellie?
Have him demand a DNA test now? Ideas?
Hey guys! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to say that my eyes are wide open! I get everything you are saying. uR, I am fully aware of this and I am not in denial, making excuses, trying to fix.
I am not making any decisions, pursuing, anything like that. I have listened as a friend. I have set my boundaries, I haven't committed to anything. I do hate to see her continue to try to continue to manipulate and cause further damage to my family.
We have spoken frankly. I know this is his disaster, and his to clean up. I may say something, sometimes, very minimally in regards to her continuing destruction. He needs help. I am not, by any means, trying to be the one to help him. I am acting as a friend.
That's where we are right now. I know he is seeking a way to get this as cut and dry as possible.
It would be nice for him to use that amazing letter and modify the baby part as something like, when the baby is born we will make arrangements pending the paternity test.... Blah blah
Really, he needs to see a lawyer and tell her to go through him. Blah blah..... Puke.::.. Crazy.
Spinning.... S17 had another episode tonight. I am feeling very angry about it. Trying to find a healthy outlet in the next few min. Kitchen ans are coming in a bit to go over w the designer. Put on a smile and fake it!!!!!!!!!
Aahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
I'm sorry you had to deal with another episode with S17.
Regarding your x....Mighty, it sounds like you know what you need to do. You received excellent advice.... Stay your course, leave xh to the mess.
In time, this will sort itself out.
I'm sure ow is really crazy right now... And it's hard to steer clear of that when it drives by your house!!
Seriously, uR is spot on.... The further you get away from their drama, the better.
I can't wait to hear more about your kitchen!!!!
MUAH!!!! Love ya, my superhuman friend!!!
Pressure, right? The pressure, pressure, pressure !!!!!
That's all he feels right now. I remember reading that millions of times, the pressure mlc ers feel.
He just told me be feels so much pressure. I tried to alleviate any pressure he feels from me.
( I don't feel I have & could prob go anothe 6 months w/I talking to him)
But he is overwhelmed all around and feels he has no place to go.
He keeps engaging w HWW though. He saw her friends on the video with his truck (bil has cameras). And has confronted her first and again w the video now. And of course, she is going ballistic. Blowing up his phone. I just said that she is trying to engage anyway possible. And like a spoiled toddler, she is going to throw a tantrum anyway to get what she wants. Negative attention is better than no attention.
I see him keep feeding into it. He says, what it that's my baby? I just said that if he wants to live the next 20 yrs like this then fine, but he does not need to engage in the drama.
He really needs to set a boundary. This is too toxic for me. I know for him too, but clearly he does not have the tools to deal with her. He does not have the amazing peeps like I do here!!!
I seriously need to check out if this continues. It will be quite clairvoyant.
And where tf is the designer?? Supposed to be here 30 mi. Ago & I have been trying to put on my happy face. I think I will leave for awhile after. Xh is in my br w d13 now. I told him to go away while they are here.
He said he needs alone time & it's crazy at bil. I said he could hang in there. He asked d13 to chill w him. She's doing homework.
Wait....he's in your BR?? Because "he needs alone time"??
Ok....I'm not there..... I know nothing..... I see little snapshots....but... Mighty??
Isn't that kinda.... ummmm......
Alright. Here's the thing. I don't know exactly what I am trying to say. I'm concerned about you, girl. I don't want your precious heart broken again. I believe you when you say you're keeping distance, detached, etc.... My bells are going off a little, my friend.
I wouldn't want xh to be too comfortable until and unless there is some consistency, and some real internal work going on, ya know??
Again, you know your sitch better than anyone. Please, please, please use as much space and time as you possibly can. Allow him to do his work. All of it. I want so much for things to be smooth and peaceful one day. You deserve that, my friend
.
I am cheering for you loudly from here! (Can you hear me??? Can you at least see my Pom poms??? ).
Mighty, sorry for the short post. I wish I could collect my thought to post more. But one thing I want to ask. I don’t remember if you mentioned it, did he do a test to confirm that the vasectomy was indeed reversed? Sorry, I just cannot remember.
Mighty, I am concerned, also. He has not committed to you. He hasnt dealt with her. No one knows if the baby is his.
I know you dont want him with her. I know you want your daughter and son to be happy. But, you matter, too.
And right now I feel like you are caught up in it all and I am not sure if that is good for you.
I am sure he does feel pressure. Look what a mess he made of things. He has to figure it out without you telling him what he needs to do and without you vocalizing about her. It is his mess to clean up. Let him.
Your job is still to get out of the way. He is still in crisis, M. I think the birth getting closer put him in a tailspin.
I worry that you are going to get hurt.
Hey guys. I get it. Really, I do. I can tell you, honestly, I have no expectations. Really.
I appreciate so much that you guys are concerned. I think that outside of here, no one really gets it. I made it clear to him that I have no idea what will happen or what I want.
I can tell you this, you are exactly right that I don't want him with her. Not one bit. Does that mean I want him? Nope. She is toxic to my family. My kids are so disturbed by her presence, and I hate that for them. I do not, by any means, want them to feel that they are second class citizens to this w.
He is still my family. I feel that. I know it will always be that way. I see her manipulating him, which affects my kids. Tonight, for example, he was looking at footage and going back and forth with her about it. In the meantime, s17 was becoming out of control. Xh was so wrapped up in that, and felt he needed to prove what she was doing to settle it.
I was clear, that it was toxic and that I had no problem removing myself from it. I was clear when I said, I had no problem going another six months without talking to him to remove myself from that. I showed no emotion other than the fact that I was not going to engage nor welcome that nonsense.
I told him that I saw him engaging in her immature behavior and that I wanted no part of it. That I know how to remove that from my life. I made it relevant that he has seen me remove myself from it. He got it. He knows.
He told me that he appreciated me being there for him. He implied that I was what he had as far as support. I also told him that it is his mess to clean up, that I don't want part of it, but I will not tolerate her continuing to cause more drama or damage to my family. D13 saw her name in his truck screen (or something) as a recent call. She was upset and asked me if they still talk.
This bothers my kids. A lot. I am tired of them being collateral damage while hww throws her son in xh face. I will not engage in this crap.
While I told xh that I can listen if he needs, I can totally remove myself, or I can help him when he is struggling, but I have my boundaries, too.
He was very thankful that I am supportive and willing to be there for him. (Keep in mind, I told him that does not mean we will be together, on account of either of us.)
Him needing alone time... I can honestly say that I have been feeling the same way. I have yet to get it this week, even though I have had my less busy days.... I don't see it coming in the next few. But I've reached a limit!
Xh, well, he may need to take some drives or something. However, I have no problem leaving if he wants to spend time here with the kids. They need to see this is about them at this point.
Bil house is pretty crazy. We never would spend time there bc it is just.... well.... like that. He is very, very appreciative, but for someone who couldn't spend more than 30 min there for many years, I can't imagine how he feels living there. Not good. It is constant chaos. Not good for someone in the state he is.
Shining... thanks, babe! I feel ya, really. It sounds crazier than it is. These people (who didn't come!!) are doing me a huge favor. People pay him tons to do what he is doing. He is doing it for a favor bc of my sitch. For him to walk in and see xh standing there would be an insult. And, well, trying to explain the sitch seems kind of crazy and pointless. So, I just said, Go in there! to get rid of him. D13 followed. He was helping her with hw. Once he saw there weren't coming, he left. It really wasn't a big deal.
The fine line is being there for him and setting my boundaries. It's tough, I've got to admit. Think about the advice and opinions here... I mean.... it is so hard to establish the right dynamic. He keeps saying we have lots of time. It' like he has these thoughts in his head, and just keeps hoping they pan out.
I was clear tonight. I did it without pressure. I told him specifically that I was coming from the pov of a friend. That there were no expectations. xyz...
He needs a lawyer. If what he wants is ...... then, he needs to take care of it now. Know his rights, remove himself from excess drama.
He has this thing with lawyers; he says they are out to get money. I just said my pov about the sitch. He thanked me and was very appreciative. It was not me telling/pressure, or anything, other than a frank conversation. That I don't know his expectations, I don't care, its not what it is about.... I made it clear that I could easily walk away. I saw someone continuously manipulating him and it affects my family and I don't like it.
I'm so tired, I feel like I am reiterating the same points but missing some important ones. Oh well....
I will sleep and probably be back in an hour.... happy cat nap... see you then!
Hey, uR. I know. I am concerned, too! But, I haven't committed to him either. In fact, he has done talk about the future, where I haven't at all! I have made it clear that I don't know where I stand. Yup, I don't want him with her, nor do I want him or my kids to have to deal with her selfishness for the next 20 years.
I feel OK. I need some time and am having a hard time finding it this week, but I am confident it will come.
I am not caught up in it. Seriously. There has been nothing since the incident last week. And, that was the ONLY thing this entire time. I don't regret it. Not at all. Nope. I am done though, too. Never again. He is trying to figure out how to shake it off. Not my place, really. I have told him that I know how to deal with crazy and that I can help if he wants, but left it at that. I want him to figure it out. He wants to figure it out. I can tell, with the past... however many... months he has been trying to figure it out. He has spent lots of time thinking about things.... I can tell. Quite profoundly! Doesn't mean he is there, and I know I'm not! But, its a start.
I'm over it. I told him tonight what I though. I told him I wont say it again, that it wasn't coming from pressure from a wife, just an observation, take it or leave it. I won't say another word. He was very receptive. I could tell he was looking for something, otherwise I wouldn't have. It seemed like the right opportunity... and done.
He called to tell me she called like 33 times or something and had left like 20 messages. OMG... he is stressed.
I'm walking the line, guys. I'm not a graceful person, by any means. But, I'm doing what I feel is right... without expectations... really.
I miss you guys!! This is crazy!!
Hey Bright... yeah it was reversed. I took him to the appointments and the surgery.
But after several attempts and no avail, we saw another specialist. They said it could have even reclosed, blocking sperm, or that it wasn't viable, or didn't work.... yadda...
The last test showed none.
He was taking ridiculous amounts of vitamins at the time.
Who knows.
Ok, my friend. I hope you know it comes from a place of caring. Hope you get some rest.
Oh, uR.... I know and appreciate that it does, so much. I realized how defensive I sound, and I don't like it. I need to reevaluate things. Also, I am so exhausted that I feel like all my never-endings are exposed.
I am so glad to hear from everyone... which is why I post even the quick and dirty. Not so easy. I do take into account all the responses and know that they are genuine. They always have, so why would that change just bc I have?
I have really though skin, I can take it. Even if it seems I am on hyper-mode, these posts stick with me!
Thanks!
Much, much love and respect....
Mighty
Mighty,
You got this.
Just focus on the boundaries and don't allow yourself to get to carried away with thoughts of the future.
Go back in my threads, Smokey returned for a short time with his tail between his legs. I handled it terribly. Fell right back into those old patterns.
What about a boundary that there is NO talk of HWWW or any communication with her in your home? If it's his problem, then he can solve it outside of your family home, away from the kids.
And, what about a boundary that he starts counseling and continues regularly if he expects to come over to the house.
Those are two reasonable boundaries considering what you've all been through.
The thing I regret the most about the time Smokey came back? How it impacted the girls. They got their hopes up and invested in him returning. They were bludgeoned again when he left again and the second time was worse...He threw himself into his other lifestyle like a banshee.
Protect yourself even more now than you were before. When they come closer, it's more confusing and overwhelming.
Take care of yourself. :-)
Thanks Heather. That is a fear I have. I am trying to keep my distance and perspective in that regard. I made a last second stop at coffee shop b4 d13 bball game. I have had any time really to gather my thoughts. I have a few here & there, which is when I post. I know they are kind if random & all over the place. I post w/o much thought bc I don't have much time & haven't digested much. I post when I can to see what is happening. For a pattern, feedback, and bc my memory is totally shot. Gone! My focus is so bad. I'm on overload. I feel ok for the most part, but my brain can't hold any more. The door is closed on that sucker. Everything is a fog and unclear.
Ok, so I will use these few min to try to establish a draft of my plan. This is off the cuff right now. Just a start.
Right now, the kids are the main focus w xh & me.
I will not pursue.
I have no desire to talk about future now.
Continue ic.
Not bring up HWW.
Will not get emotional about HWW. (I could care less about her at this point, I am trying to establish how to keep her from my life/ kids)
I have no intention. Of speaking w her. If she contacts me... I will maintain composure, will not resort to childish tactics. But I have no problem being firm & short to the point.
I will only listen when xh wants to talk. (I do feel there are instances where vocalizing minimally is necessary- like reinforcing boundary.)
No r talk. Don't even know what I want.
Time for me.
Continue to take care of things w house.
Spend time w friends.
Spend time w kids.
Give kids & xh alone time.
Boundaries...... Working on this. Def some re HWW.
Well, that's a start. Things are just so crazy it is hard to focus on something specifically. Like lots of major things.
Things w s17 are coming to a head. Serious action being taken. I am very worried but I am taking the bull by the horns at this point. Follow through has to be tight, prompt and effective.
Good news! My cousins chemo helped and he will be a candidate for Surg!! In jan he will have part lung & spot in leg removed. What a relief. He will go to boston for this.
Electrician came to hang lights in bathroom today (finally after months). I paid as part of the deal for him to do that. He left a friggin bill for over $200. I mean, like, come on! Give me a break! This is so annoying. Not gonna pay, but will have to call and tell him. I have original receipt.
Ok, gonna finish my coffee and enjoy watching d13. She smiles whatever she is doing. OMG..... People could learn a lot from this kid. I know she inspires me!
Peace, guys. Thanks for keeping me above water.
Lots can change in a short time. That's why I need to make sure I take time to step back from the situation frequently to reassess.
I went back and reread the posts from my friends here. My sitch is pretty complicated (as they are all in their unique way) right now. So much in the air, so much hurt, so much change, still so much to go. And the unknown. Honestly, I have learned to accept the unknown.
But I find that a lot of this is really unhealthy and toxic for me.
I have decided to just keep doing things the way I have, as far as me personally. Still dealing w s17. We have to work together on that front.
Last night, xh came over. Not long after I left. I went out to dinner w a group of people. I didn't say where I was going or with whom, just was friendly and said I was going out & he could hang w kids.
A couple hrs later he sent a txt saying he was leaving to take care of business. I ignored. When I got home, he truck wasn't at bil. Then he sent a text asking if I was home. Right when I saw HWW drive by. I said yes and that I saw her again. He called and said he was over with her to talk.
Watching someone go through a brake up when u r the lbs is probably one of the most difficult things. I just don't know that I can do this. He says it will be over in a month. I said no, it will be starting in a month. The baby isn't here and he feels like he has to run to her when she wants to talk (I was never given any of what he is giving her. I get the whole mlc thing, but it still is so upsetting). I really try to keep it in check. I don't call him or ask questions. I don't go out of my way to do anything. This is not my fight. I fought for my husband for a very long time. It's not my turn right now.
I wish he had said to her that he was spending time w his kids and made her realize that the come before her. But I didn't say that.
He called me a coue times last night. At first I didn't answer. I just needed some space. He texted too, which I didn't respond. I'm not trying to be a b, but I just don't want to be part of this disaster. I am proud of how far I've come. I am very aware that these are 180s. I know in the past I would have not only answered, but been the one calling him. I would have freaked out.
Now, I just said that I don't know that I can do this. I am sick of being second choice. He said I wasn't and keeps saying that it will be over.
I don't want her in my life. I hate how insecure I feel with him. I hate how she makes me feel. I think that I would be pretty secure w anyone else. But I am so uneasy about everything with him, and of course compare myself to a 26 year old. Everything is tainted. Everything he says I think about her and how he compares/feels. For example he was saying something about how thin I am now and that I shouldn't be running. I didn't say anything, but of course I thought about her. 26.
I couldn't go into d13 bball game the other day bc too much reminded me of them. Triggers, you know? I went in 45 min late. I know it seems like I am giving her power, but they are just actual feelings that come out of nowhere.
Hr texted me this morning saying he is sorry and he understands my feelings. I didn't respond. He called me saying the same thing. He said he went there to figure things out w the birth. I guess jan 5 is the c-sec date. He said he is going to go so he can get a test right then. He is not going to go in op room. She wants to use her last name ( ??) and he agreed (her son has her x's last name). Thank goodness for my kids.
I get he has to deal with her. I just wish he didn't jump when she says so. She was still referring to me as his "wife" and he says she just does not get it. It's like she can do whatever she wants and is not accountable for anything. That she thinks the whole world revolves around her and her son. (Another reason I don't know if I can deal w raising this baby). I really feel like if she showed any accountability or anything and wasn't such a narcissist, I may be able to be ok with her. But with her- I just want to steer clear of that mess. I have zero respect for her. ZERO!
Xh said that after this baby he is going to be totally honest with her and explain apt a out things. Break it down, I guess. But he said he does. It want to stress her out more right now bc she is pregnant. (He said that this morning). I get that. I respect that. But she is a freaking nightmare.
So I am just continuing on my path. I'm not going to veer from it. If someone wants to meet me on my path.... It's gonna be on them.
So one month from today. I counted the weeks, I'm sure it's his. All those vitamins must have really made him one healthy guy! It was around my bday. He was here. He traveled before that a couple times but was bac and didn't leave again.
He also said this mornining that he does not know how is life got to his. He just doesn't understand. He can't believe he is about to have a baby. He kept saying he does not know how this happened and that his life Is like this.
I show compassion but am firm w my boundaries.
Mighty,
You don't know yet if it's his. Wait until the paternity test.
This happened to my BIL, the woman sucked him in, he was finally going to be a father, etc. Turned out, after the family discovered that her 3 kids were all from different fathers, and how she'd come unhinged at any mention of a P test, they intervened and when she was at the store and left the baby with them, got the hair snippet and...not his.
Turns out she was boinking other men while dating BIL, he just was the "nice guy", manipulable guy...
So, please wait until the truth is known.
Mighty,
Ohhh...T2 left a pressie for you. I like this novel idea of getting the baby's hair snipped for analysis. Just bide your time....
how she'd come unhinged at any mention of a P test, they intervened and when she was at the store and left the baby with them, got the hair snippet and...not his.
So, please wait until the truth is known.
OMG t2! That's crazy! What is wrong w these people?? These are little humans! Now pawns!!!!!!!!!! Aaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Sho nuff, guys..... Just waiting it out.
Longest pregnancy in history.....
Longest pregnancy in history.....
lol - ain't that the truth!!!
I'm just gonna lay it out there.
Xh came tonight. He brought pizza. Right after he ate, he fell asleep. D13, in he loud obnoxious ways was being loud and thought it was funny. Xh asked If he could lay in my bed. It's the only bedroom on 1st floor & right there. I said fine. He totally camped out.
S17 & his gf were hanging out. He is not allowed to go out. They were having a really good time, laughing a lot while playing a trivia game. It was so good to hear him laugh like that. He asked if they could go to a bball game and take d13. I said ok, as long as they came right back.
Xh slept for like 4 hrs. I was getting Christmas stuff out & chillin.
I felt used. I don't know what xh wants. I let him sleep, but I am pretty frustrated.
Finally I was wanting to get settled in. I went Into my room & xh was like, oh, I'm leaving. Then he got up & layed at the end of my bed. I was like, aren't you going?
He left. Sent a text that said, thanks mighty.
Then 30 min later, I hope you aren't upset.
I didn't respond to either. This is how I feel....
The "thanks" is the same crap he sent me after bd. in the meantime he was screwing HWW. I didn't know about her then and used those texts as scraps. They were meaningless even though I clung tightly to them. Now, they are meaningless to me.
I was at a place of moving on when he appeared back in my life. I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted. He came and everything went to a hault. He runs to HWW when she wants. He gives me words.... Distant, confusing, unclear words. His actions say that I have the plague. But he runs to talk to her. I feel like my house is a safe place. I am easy (in a sense that I'm not high maintainance) . I get nothing, really. My life has ceased in the sence of finding someone who wants me. Not that I was scouring, but I knew that I wanted someone who WANTED me. Xh says how loyal, trustworthy, hardworking, etc I am. Ok, yeah, that's my personality. I know that. But that does not make me desirable.
He had a yr of 2 women pining over him. I got rejection. To the nth degree. I'm "loyal". I know there are men out there who would find me desirable. I dont get that from xh. I feel safe. That's it. Not a good pick me up after such rejection .
Hi Mighty,
Be careful, H may just be stressing over the birth, wants a safe place away from that stress and you are there. Words are meaningless. Actions are what count. I too can not see how I could ever be with my W again after all the horrible things she has said about me. I want someone who "wants" me, not wants to tell me and see me as some horrible, useless screw up. Who brings up things from long ago that didn't even happen the way she see's it now. I'm a VERY loyal person but how can I be loyal to someone who could say and do the things she has and is doing.
My W isn't at all saying she wants back so I don't need to think about this in my sitch. But in yours he seems to talk a good game but not follow through in actions. Just be careful, keep your expectations at zero. Who knows what will happen after the birth especially if it does turn out to be his. His actions may change if he finds out it is his. I just want you to not get hurt all over again, you are too good for that!
Hi, Mighty:). Lots going on....holy cr@p.
I don't blame you one bit for feeling used. There is still so much to sort out in this.
I'm sorry you're having to go through it all. Hang in there. You're superhuman.
(((((((Hugs))))))))
Mighty, I know that you want your kids to be happy, but you matter, too.
If this is causing you upset, then you need to do what have to in order to take care of you.
I think you are afraid that if you take action, you will be pushing him away.
I think he needs to finish his stuff with her and find out about the baby. You need to let him.
M, you have come too far to let this derail you. Take back your power.
Mighty,
I've been reading through my old text messages to Smokey. There were lots of apologies and "I screwed up," but very little ACTION. He was on the fence for a long time. I didn't realize how long. I was a his safe place when it all crumbled. I see now that this is when I should have distanced myself and protected the girls.
I don't know if this the case with you, but use my experience to help you in whatever way it may.
D20 was very, very angry when he came back into our lives and I allowed him to even step foot in our bedroom. She felt like I was choosing him over their needs. And, in her eyes, he hadn't done nearly enough to deserve this kind of kindness and availability on my part.
I think what happened then really contributed to the anger issues she has today. I chose him, again, over her and He hadn't earned the respect.
Tread carefully and trust the reactions of your kids. Out of the mouths of babes is sometimes the best guide to the truth there is.
Yes! Thanks Heather. I am vey weary of this. Min am not giving any emotion. Not doing any favors or anything. I just feel blah. I know what I want. I particularly don't want to say That I want someone to want me! I just want them to!
We are at a friendly place right now. I think he feels safe with me. That's it. I have no intention of anything more on my part. I am not the pursuer in this r anymore. And if no one is, then there isn't a r.
UR, you are right on. I get what u r saying. I feel that. I am being very cautious. We are traveling together today 2 hrs each way to go to d13 game. It will be interesting. And he just fixed my roof!!! Well, we did it together. HWW was blowing up his phone. He just looked at me. I didn't say a word or make an expression. We worked together through it. That's something we have always done. Tons & tons of home construction together. Our entire house plus all if our rentals.
Going to get ready. Have a great day, guys.
Just catching up, Mighty. You are doing great. No rush. Take your time. Focus on you and the little peeps.
Sending you a big high five:-)
Mighty- I'm sending you hugs and understanding! I know that feeling- where we are stuffing our needs and being the " good person". I did it for awhile too and it gives me that icky feeling in my gut. Then I found too much distance and ignoring him was affecting me as well. It's hard to find that sweet spot that allows us to progress on our journey.
You will find your way through this and strike the right balance I'm sure. You are amazingly strong and have navigated through so much. Take care of you- he will eventually catch up if he continues to crawl out of the tunnel.
Ugh, ok, thanks guys. This is so hard. I mean, like so hard. I don't know what my problem is, but I feel like others handle this so much better than me. I know I made a lot of progress in some areas, but it's like some things are just.... Not good.
So a couple of things. First: I left w/o xh. When he left here HWW had been blowing up his phone. I had a feeling he was leaving to talk to her. Whatever. But then he was taking forever to get ready. I texted him that I was ready to leave. No response. I guessed he was on the phone. I waited 10 min theN Called bc I knew. Sure enough, he was on the phone w her. I was mad bc now I was going to be late for my daughter bc of her. I was so pi$$ed. And he still wasn't ready. He needed more time. I said that I can't believe that I was waiting around for her. F u, f her, I'm leaving. And I did. No looking back.
He called 10 min later when he realized I had actually left. I was pumping gas & didn't see the call until about an hr later.
I texted that I missed and then he called. It was not a great conversation. And of course, he can't handle anything intense right now. Basically he wants to be besties w HWW. I can't take that. It's too much. I am not making him chose or anything, but I just know I can't live my life like that.
Xh said he is not pursuing any r right now- with anyone. It ticked me off bc he assumes I want one. I don't know what I want! I asked him what gives him the idea I do? I said I would like to know so I can stop doing it. He had nothing. He didn't know. I asked, is it possible you assumed I did and you are giving g yourself pressure bc of it? I reminded him that I haven't called, texted, emailed him at all except a few times about the kids. I have not once talked about a r, I haven't talked about the future, and I have never said I wanted a r. (He has done some of these! Not me.) I have said that I don't know that I can do this, things are to toxic for me ( I realize I need to be explicit). I also reminded him that I suggested he get his own place (after several hints that her be back here). He suggested counseling & talked about the future. I have been very cautious with his. Very!
He didn't say anything about that. Other than he didn't know why he thought that. It is clear that he is going to talk to her all the time and do whatever she wants. He says he's not, but feels he needs to take care of her bc she is pregnant. (I get it, but this idiot is the one who was "excited" to be pregnant- by a married man.
Ok, we all know that. I have an idea to release her. A healthy idea for myself. I'm gonna try it this weekend.
Things are bad bc I hate this. It's going to be a really long month, then there is a whole new journey to face, whatever it is.
I need to be clear that he needs to back off. I mentioned something, but I need to be clear. For example, he texted early this morn to see if I was up. I said yes. (I was folding laundry on my bed. He came over and sat in the chair in my room). I really didn't say anything, yeah, 180. But I have been trying to show that I'm not all over him or anything.
He keeps saying he had time. Like over and over. I don't know if someone said it to him or something, but he keeps saying hat.
I get that. I do t want to rush anything, especially since I don't know where I'm going. But I don't want to put my life on hault anymore. So I will keep on. But I do like spending time, I do get lonely, I don't know. This stinks.
Neither one of us have the energy to "talk" about anything. But animosity builds when there isn't clear communication.
I feel like if I had a clue, things would be that much easier. But I don't. And this is hard.
I think I may know why he keeps saying he as time. Either he realized or prob his bro helped him realiz he just spent the last year going 1000 mph. And that didn't work out so well. I remember his bro telling him to hit the breaks (when he found out about the house) and asking why he was going so fast.
I'm thinking that's why he keeps saying he has nothing but time. Ok, got it. That's a good thing for him.
Also, the good thing in this horrible sitch is that I know I will be fine. I have been after bd & nuke. I know I will be ok.
I also know that there has been some Devine intervention. That's why I have to trust this path. I need to get myself in check, KEEP myself in check, and know things will be ok. I will keep doing things the way I was recently on my path. It's just hard bc I do want to spend time w him.
Good thing came out of this... S17 had to take xh truck this morn when we were on the roof to get his haircut. He was gone forever so xh couldn't go to the game after I left him.
So xh asked s17 if he wanted to do something. S17 said no, so I asked s17 what he annex on doing and informed him that he still can't go anywhere w friends bc of behavior. He had a change of heart and is out w xh. S17 just called me and he was laughing and having a good time.
Maybe it was meant to be.
D13 started and scored "a lot" including a 3 pointer. Not bad for a young-in on he team. I missed most of it bc I'm an idiot. After leaving xh bc I didn't want to be late, when we were on the phone, I wasn't paying attention & went 40 miles past my exit. Duh... All the way to Syracuse. (Should have gone to see heather!) then had to turn around and go back the 40 miles. Everyone said d13 had the best game in 2 yrs.
What is wrong with me??
*****disclaimer*****
Still typing on my cracked up iphone. The typos are funny, but I hope not too difficult to decipher.
I caught one earlier that said I was frying laundry on my bed. Doh!
Mighty you have ALOT going on, ALOT of feelings.
Please be careful it seems way too messy to end up OK right now.
Let XH sort out his own mess, dont get drawn in.
Plan some GAL's if you can, if you are going to allow him to visit kids at your house, then plan to not be there.
Just sounds like you playing with fire,,,and on a slippery slope...
You know what is best for you better then anyone else. Ask yourself if this is right for you? Be careful, put yourself first. You can not help your kids if you are not OK.
You know, part of the problem here is that you're in limbo. And limbo is a very uncomfortable place. So much so that many of us would rather start a fight and end it than sit with the discomfort of limbo.
At least your limbo has a potential endpoint. Paternity can be known in a couple months and that may be a gamechanger. Or h may go back to HWW when the baby is born. Either way, I think your path will be clearer in a month or two. If you can just go about your life in the meantime.
Mighty,
Wowowowow..... Ok. You're doing great. Spinning a bit, but who wouldn't be?
I'm glad you recognize your feelings about this, and you're staying closely tuned into them.
Yep, you're going to need LOTS of time and space. I am not anywhere near this point, but I can see as an outsider, what everyone is talking about.
Knowing how I feel in my own sitch, I want the pain to stop right friggin now. And if there was a magic bullet quick fix? I'd be doing nothing else.
So, the wanting to spend time with him....I totally understand that. Even relate to it.
After a year of chaos, you have glimpses of what you missed for so long. You're lonely. He's familiar. And comfortable. And fixing the roof was a huge comfort zone for BOTH of you. It's natural to want more of what feels good.
The thing is, you're also acutely aware of the underlying issues that must be dealt with. And those continue to brew beneath the surface.
You don't trust him, rightfully so. He's not acting trustworthy yet, Mighty. I see you see that when he's on his phone. And he's not living up to a simple expectation of being ready at a given time because of hww.... That's not going away soon.
You did so good by leaving without him. I get it that you were pi$$ed. You'll get nothing but praise from me for that boundary. Well.... I DID do a fabulous round-off back handspring with a 1 1/2 layout twist. GB taught me how to stick the landing.
This will take lots of patience. Then more patience. Then more, you'll need to dig deep, Mighty. Focus on you. Away from that train wreck. For now.
Nothing has really changed for you. It most certainly can and looks promising, but as Heather experienced.... Ya never know.
Patience. Space. Patience. Space. Patience. Space.
^^^^^ it's your new dance for now.
"A FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!!!!....."
Love you, my friend!!! (((((Hugs)))))
2b, I have got to stay away from it. You are right. I feel a little sick that what we had is going to be meaningless. Same playing field- baby mamas. With trash. It's not like another r- it's from an affair. Ugh. Someone who doesn't give a $hit about my kids.
A little girl will cAll him daddy, and I am nothing.
Ellie! You are so right!! Yes! I'm back at freaking limbo. I hate limbo. Ok, so I won't even try to figure it out right now. I think I was upset bc I felt like I was rejected again when I wasn't even pursuing! Eck! But you are right, ok, and I can't address what I don't acknowledge.
Lots if time to think today. My thoughts are emotional, then I find I am better at trying to get to the bottom Of them. Find the right place for them and put them in check.
Shining, thank you!!!!!!!!!! What would I do w/o my hot cheerleader?! Loved you post. Needed that, air high five!!
Ok, I really need you guys right now. I am all over the place. I wonder if my surgery knocked my hormones around too???
I am at a coffee shop. Xh and s17 came home. They were hanging w d13 and working on something g and having fun. I just slipped out. Been here for a little bit. I wrote a letter to HWW. That was step 1 of my shipment of her to the universe. I'm not sending it. Not this, not now. Prob never. Then I wrote a few things I was feeling about xh sitch. Then I wrote a list. That part... tbc.....
Ok.... Not a 2x4.... More of a "swift pom-pom wack" for that stinkin' thinkin'....
"A little girl will call him d..... ". Oh, no you did not just....
DON'T EVEN START THAT. YOU'VE COME TOO FAR, AND YOU'RE WAAAAAYYYYY TOO AWESOME FOR THAT NONSENSE.
I won't have that. (She said in the most loving, supportive, yet firm way she could type.)
1. Same playing field???? Puhleeeeeeezzze. You had a real, loving, long term M. A real family. Their mess was a huge mistake based on lies.
How is that even????
2. What you had will never be meaningless. It happened. All of it. It was real. It hurts like he!! because it was NOT meaningless. To either of you. Let him sort this out. You'll see..... In LOTS of time. Whether you're together or not, Mighty, you'll see.
3. Put the baby issue on the shelf, with every bit of strength you can muster. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I can not even guess what it is like for you. But until and unless you know for sure it's his, all you have is today, and right now. And you don't know right now. So don't waste an ounce of worry on something that hasn't been revealed yet. Live today. Take care of you and the kids. Just face what's in front of you today. Nothing more.
4. The feeling of rejection even tho you never proposed a R.... I get it. That right there, is a big reason to stay away for now. Being with him feels good on the surface, but it leaves you spinning. I've been on that crazy-go-round many times. The ride is far more damaging than the initial comfort. Force yourself for your sanity and peace, to stay your course.
One thing at a time.
What do you have right now, today?
What can you do today that will impact YOUR life in a positive way?
^^^^ stay with that. The rest will sort out as it does, whether you spaz out on the spin mobile or not.
Save that energy for your trip to BIG D.
Come on.
You think? Is someone?? Punking me???? All this stuff isn't real, right? Maybe I'm George Bailey, "I want to live again!"
Just got home... Xh is gone. D13 said bil next door called and said their dad is in the hospital and may not make it. (He is quite unhealthy). Xh hasn't talked to his dad in over a year.
Bil found out through....... Facebook.
OMG. I called xh. He seemed ok, had no details and said he would "shoot" me a text. I just said to let me know if he needed anything. He is at hosp about 45 min away. Geesh.
Sorry about your FIL, Mighty.
Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways.
So, let's talk about you because that's who we care about.
Nothing is really different than it was. There has been no new information, right?
He may have moved out, but, clearly he isnt done with all of that. I dont think he will be until he knows about the baby.
Shining is right, what you had was real. It mattered. It produced your children. It was a loving marriage for a long time. Do not allow this to minimize or impact your memories. They are yours. They are true.
You are spinning because you are not detached. You are so angry at her so that anything he does regarding her is a trigger.
You still seem to blame her for most of this. It was both of them, M.
They need to sort out that mess. You keep interfering with it. You may think you arent, sweetie, but you are.
You have to stop your actions...the leaving, the not answering, then answering, the saying stuff about her.
Figure out your boundaries. State them and then stick to them.
If you have to, make a schedule of when he can see the kids. If you have to, make plans when he does. No more letting him lay in your bed. No more making things easy for him.
He made some choices...he needs to feel the natural consequences of them without you buffering them for him.
Not as a punishment, but, as a way for him to work his way through all of this.
Its time to retake control here, Mighty, or you are going to be moving backwards for real.
Come on now. You can do this. I know it.
Huuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh.... thanks guys. Just what I needed. Shining, I know. You are right. I pulled the pom pom strings out of my mouth and laughed at your post. I know.... I am such a freak. I am very aware of this. I say it all. Like a big puke... it comes out. Then I feel better.
I started that post, in my vomiting fashion, then wrote and felt better. I finished the post, feeling a little different.
I try to think about what this sitch would be like without the baby involved. How would he feel? How would I feel? I don't know, but the reality is, she is involved. And, well, I guess it would be much more genuine to take out all the craziness to see what the real, raw emotions are. That would be interesting, then build from there. It's just too much now.
I have got to step away.
I feel so much better after my writing session in the coffee shop. I don't know what it is, but I can usually sort things out in my mind that way. It really helps me deal with people. When I have a problem, I write it all out. I can't tell you how many unsent letters there are to xh. It helped. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner with hww. I guess I didn't think she was worth it. Aaaaaaaaaannd..... she's not, but it is about me, not her.
I also wrote a list of reasons why I should not let her get to me. Why she can no longer take any power from me. It felt really good. It was a pretty long list. I have a plan for that list. I will let you know if it helps.
uR- Heather texted me and said that you had an amazing post for me. So, here I am to check it out. Gulp. Yup. You are right.
Nothing is really different than it was. There has been no new information, right?
Exactly. And, it is really a blessing that he wants to take his time with everything and do the right thing. That's good. It's not like I have Channing Tatum waiting in the wings for me. So, really, there isn't a rush for anything!
He may have moved out, but, clearly he isnt done with all of that. I dont think he will be until he knows about the baby.
I just felt so hurt by the fact that I was the one who pushed for the reversal and prayed to God for a baby. Now, I know he won't let me down. It wasn't in my plan. But it will be interesting to see what is. And, as much as it hurts that it is not me, I have to respect the fact that he wants to do the right thing. I wouldn't expect him not to take care of his child. And, as much as I don't want him taking care of her, I just need to get over it. I mean, he did move out, after all. He said he made it clear to her that he does not want a r with her by moving out. Point made. (He moved out of here too!!) But I just need to come to grips with this. Probably the toughest... but I can tell I've made steps tonight.
Shining is right, what you had was real. It mattered. It produced your children. It was a loving marriage for a long time. Do not allow this to minimize or impact your memories. They are yours. They are true.
One of the first things I took down after he left was a family pic I had in the bedroom. There were three professional pics. Two of the kids and one of all of us. It hurt to see that, so I took it down and put it in the office. (It has been a dumping ground the past year. It was really xh's space, I don't like it in there and just kind of put thing in there.) He was in there the other day helping me with my computer hook-up. When I came back in, he had taken the family pick and set it up on the very top of a pile of stuff. It is like towering in the room now, all propped up and on display. I thought that was interesting.
You are spinning because you are not detached. You are so angry at her so that anything he does regarding her is a trigger.
This is interesting. I think I am detached. I feel like I would be fine without him. Really, I do. Like, I don't know what I want. I think Ellie was right when she said I was in limbo. That's for sure! But YES she, and everything that has to do with her is such a trigger for me! Even her name makes me crazy.
You still seem to blame her for most of this. It was both of them, M.
Well, right now, yup. I spent a lot of time and focus on xh. I was angry, I was sad, the gamete... but I worked through it. You know, letters and all. He apologized. He was sincere. I let it go. I know he was in crisis (not an excuse, but helpful with forgiveness). She is a mother, and I think that carries a lot of weight. I don't deny that I still hold a lot towards her. As a mother, I can't believe how dismissive she has been towards my kids. And the fact that she is not sorry at all and thinks she is entitled to destroying a family. That she now owns him. That she has a right to be angry but I don't. It is much harder to let that go. But I want to more than anything. I have said all along they are both 100% responsible. That does not mean that I will forgive them in equal time.
They need to sort out that mess. You keep interfering with it.
AMEN!
You have to stop your actions...the leaving, the not answering, then answering, the saying stuff about her.
Hmmmmm.... well... I think I answer only when I feel it is necessary. I don't regret leaving today. I think it worked out. Xh and I both said it was good bc it gave him and s17 some good quality time together. I have got to get all this in check though. Not respond in an instant. But, it was my boundary. I was not going to stick around on her account. Noooooope.
Figure out your boundaries. State them and then stick to them.
This is key! I need to work on this, for sure.
No more making things easy for him.
He made some choices...he needs to feel the natural consequences of them without you buffering them for him.
Not as a punishment, but, as a way for him to work his way through all of this.
I think I may be a little wishy-washy here? I have been quite conscious of letting him figure things out on his own. I let him walk the walk... that's important. I definitely don't go out of my way for him- at all. I guess I have nudged the r along with him and s17 recently. That has been for s17's sake. He has a lot to work through and just can't stew in this anger. What a difference a week makes with him! But I guess with him making himself at home... I think that's the issue. The rest, I have let him figure out. And, since I don't want his fingers tampering with me and my business/issues, I want to give him that too. EEEERRRRRRRTTTT-ok, hww. I get it.... back off. Keep my fingers out of it! Touché!
Its time to retake control here, Mighty, or you are going to be moving backwards for real.
He11 no! I am not going back! No way, no how! I had my moment. But it was good. I got down to a low spot, and that is what I need sometimes to pick myself up again. I needed perspective, a punch in the face, something...
It was a productive low. I realized that I can get this in check. I was at a loss of how to do it with her and this whole sitch. I think I have made some progress. Tomorrow... step two of the list.
uR- you took me to task. I dig it. I need it.
Thanks guys so much for the support!
Just got a call from xh. Fil has serious infection. They went in for emergency surgery. They are going to amputate, but not sure how much. Starting w toe, may go up above knee, depending on how bad. They said infection has spread all over and if not under control it could be fatal. XH is going to keep me posted via text.
Big hug to you guys tonight!! Thank you!! What would I do without you???????!!!!!!
I just felt so hurt by the fact that I was the one who pushed for the reversal and prayed to God for a baby.
I can only imagine how hurtful that is, M.
And, as much as I don't want him taking care of her, I just need to get over it.
Mighty, let me ask you something? What if it is his? Would you really want him to not take care of her? Regardless of what they have done, this baby is innocent.
When I came back in, he had taken the family pick and set it up on the very top of a pile of stuff. It is like towering in the room now, all propped up and on display. I thought that was interesting.
That kind of thinking and wondering can get you into trouble. ^^^.
I know you would be fine without him, but, you arent detached, M. You are still all wrapped up in what he is saying and doing and why and what it means.
She is a mother, and I think that carries a lot of weight. I don't deny that I still hold a lot towards her. As a mother, I can't believe how dismissive she has been towards my kids. And the fact that she is not sorry at all and thinks she is entitled to destroying a family. That she now owns him. That she has a right to be angry but I don't. It is much harder to let that go.
There wasnt a baby involved in my sitch,but the ow was particularly cruel. She sent flowers to my xh to my home. She called me, etc.
I remember thinking, how could one woman do this to another woman? I couldnt wrap my mind around it.
But I realized that the anger I had towards her was really the hurt I felt about him. She didnt care if I was angry. She didnt care how I felt. So, why was I expending all this energy being angry at someone who could care less? That was energy better spent on me. You keep trying to understand how she could do this. You want her to think as you do. But the truth is why does it matter? She did what she did. No amount of anger is going to change it. You cant make her feel a certain way or think a certain way. She feels how she feels. Right or wrong.
I think I answer only when I feel it is necessary.
Read back over your posts, M. You engage whenever he is in contact with her.
But, it was my boundary. I was not going to stick around on her account. Noooooope.
It was your h's choice to talk with her.
Maybe I am misreading but he seems to come and go as he pleases. Nothing wrong with that if you are ok with it. But it seems to me that you arent.
Again, sorry about your FIL.
Mighty, I care a great deal about you. I know this is an unbelievably difficult situation. I just dont want you to lose any ground. You worked too hard.
When I came back in, he had taken the family pick and set it up on the very top of a pile of stuff. It is like towering in the room now, all propped up and on display. I thought that was interesting.
That kind of thinking and wondering can get you into trouble. ^^^.
I know you would be fine without him, but, you arent detached, M. You are still all wrapped up in what he is saying and doing and why and what it means.
Oh, come on uR. Of course Mighty is not detached the way you are or you would like her to be. You don’t expect her to be where you are right now, do you? I’m sure you would have the same thoughts at a time. Of course it means a lot to know if you spouse (or x spouse) still values something about you or your family. I just get so confused about this concept of detachment when I read some posts here. When you stop wondering about what your WAS might think or feel, you are pretty much DONE. There is no point of DB anymore, or being on this board looking for support. OK, this just my opinion.
Mighty, what if he would tell you that on the second thought he would like to go back to hww and that’s the life he would want? Would you feel better? From what I see, it looks like you are trying to get to the point when she is out of your life, and out of his life. If it is his baby, it is not going to happen. You are not going to get an apology from her either. This is all too raw now. You need to give yourself some time to process all of it. I can only imagine how hard it is. I have pretty good imagination, so I can almost feel your pain. I don’t think you are detached. You are in a surviving mode. Just my opinion… He!!, I’m not completely detached after 2 ½ years.
Sorry, I might be out of line posting my thoughts here. I just get frustrated about “detachment” theme once in a while.
I'm able to detach when it's not in my face.
When I'm left to my life and able to go one without any clue as to what my H and OW are doing...I'm good.
It's when he comes back around and I'm faced to SEE with my own eyes the betrayal and lifestyle he is CHOOSING over me and the kids...that's when I'm not detached.
I agree with Bright. Detachment is a high bar to achieve when you are looking straight at the betrayal and hurt that caused you so much pain. AND, in Mighty's case, she is expected to shut up and look the other way in terms of what she says and does for the sake of her H. I would imagine that's pretty maddening.
Mighty, I want you to know something. I am in no way suggesting that this is easy. I cannot imagine what it is like not knowing whether your h has fathered a child with another woman.
I think the idea of detaching and letting go is misunderstood. It does not mean you stop caring. It does not mean you dont hurt. At least in my eyes it doesnt.
Having lived with a MLCer for a year while he had an affair, I know how difficult it is to let go.
It is a process. It is extremely hard. But it is where you have to get to in order to be able to get through this and come out the other side.
You know Mighty, I dont post to a lot of people. It is when I am touched in some way by them. It is when I feel a connection. It is when I see who they are and what they are made of.
I see such strength in you. I see where you started out from and where you are going.
I dont want to see you go backwards. I dont want to see you lose ground. You worked too hard. You have grown so much.
Being able to let go doesnt mean that you dont care. It means you care so much that you want him to get through this. It means you love him enough to want him to come out whole and that you love yourself enough, too.
Releasing the anger when you can and accepting that you cannot control the outcome is part of all of this.
Looking over his shoulder at you stops the forward motion in him and the same goes for you.
I apologize if I, in any way, offended you or anyone else. I know this is heartbreaking for you.
I also know that the only way through this is to try to accept what is, with the understanding that it wont always be this way. And the knowledge that you will get through this. You will be ok.
You are an incredible woman, M. Strong, funny, smart. I see you working through this in your own way.
My thoughts are only with the intent to help in some small way. I hope you know that. I have been around a long time. I have seen a lot and have been through a lot.
You will come out the other side of this. I have no doubt.
Ur,
How do you do it?
How does Mighty care, but not let it impact her sense of self? How does she watch this going on around her, but NOT allow it to fester in her bones?
I'm dealing with the same thing. I don't mean to hi-jack, I just don't get the nuts and bolts of getting through it.
How do we NOT take it personally when someone is literally, in front of our eyes either choosing to commit to someone else completely, even at the expense of our children...and/or on the fence, trying to decide who THEY want more. Me or Her?
That's how it feels.
I think I'm naturally just getting there, but man it's hard.
For me, I had to ask the question," Do I want this person in my life right now the way they are? Am I willing to lie down and take it as it comes or do I want more for myself?" Do you want to be a vibrant person or a doormat? Once you can live with your decision, then you will find the strength to succeed.
Hi, Mighty. I hope you don't mind if I chime in here.
Regarding detachment, first, I'm still in the process of learning.
What I've learned is there is an important thing to understand, especially for a codependent person like myself.
It's called differentiation.
The other person, being my H, is not me. I am not him.
We each come into the R with our own history. Our own experiences. Our own upbringings.
We play those historical tapes in our heads.
Any new experiences we have, are related when we process the information, to an old experience we once had. We categorize the new ones based on what we know.
Then we make decisions based on those assessments.
The tapes in my head are not heard by anyone else. The tapes in my h head are not heard by me.
We don't ever know for sure what causes another person to do what they do. We can guess, based on logic, and our own experience.... But we don't know.
So, when someone chooses to behave a certain way, it is a choice they make based on what they know. Based on the tapes we haven't heard.
It is always about them. It is never truly about us.
Therefore, it is not personal.
It is the way they see the world. The way they are dealing with their own emotions.
It feels personal, because we have the natural need to feel justified, and "right".
Yet, that need is based on OUR view of the world...not them.
Shining!
Bravo! An excellent posting. You've become very wise and have a good understanding of detachment. It doesn't come easy, but each and everyone that posts can learn to detach, but it's a process and w/many processes, it takes time, i.e., one step forward, two steps back.
That really helps Shining, thanks.
You know Mighty, I dont post to a lot of people. It is when I am touched in some way by them. It is when I feel a connection. It is when I see who they are and what they are made of.
So, other people are not even worth of acknowledging? This is so much reminds me of how H treats me. Like I don’t exist. I understand that it is not possible to address every poster on this board. But, I’m just curious, if I ask a question directly, would it be answered?
Waiting for the answer to Heather’s question… Sorry for high jacking and expressing my thoughts.
Shining, very well put. I also believe that when two people get into a R, it is meant to be helping them to hill their childhood wounds and actually re-write these tapes. When people can do this, they have a great M. But sometimes it doesn’t happen naturally. This is when the R can break. If both parties are then able to address the issues within themselves and start re-writing the tapes, they can build a new and wonderful R. This is a theory. Applying it in practice could mean going through painful experiences.
So, other people are not even worth of acknowledging? This is so much reminds me of how H treats me. Like I don’t exist. I understand that it is not possible to address every poster on this board. But, I’m just curious, if I ask a question directly, would it be answered?
Hey, Bright, if I could interject and point something out here...
It seems from the above comment, that you may have taken offense by something. Pardon me if I have misread.
So, back to the differentiation....
uR stated that she posts because she feels a connection to certain posters. That is a decision she makes, based on her experience, and how her experience has led her to the assessments she then makes.
This decision, then, is within uR's comfort level, and uR's view of the world as she sees it. She has decided that she prefers to post to only a few, allowing her to fully understand a sitch before advising.
It is not "against" anyone else, nor is it "for" anyone else. uR's choices are about uR. My choices are about me. Your choices are about you.
So, if any poster chooses to post to some threads and not others, it doesn't mean the others are less worthy of attention. It is merely a "match" thing that some vets can relate to differently than others. And that's about them. Never the poster.
Bright, please understand that it is also not personal when one poster contributes one place and perhaps not another.
uR, please correct me if I have misinterpreted.
Shining,
I'm not uR, but I think you've summed up uR's comments quite well. I don't post to everyone either, but that'a my choice. If someone posts a question directly to another poster, generally it will be answered....if the poster sees the posting before they sign off or they may need some time to compose a response, but not all responses are done lickety split. Some require some thought before posting because posters are fragile and sensitive and may require additional tlc w/the responses.
At the time Heather posted her question, uR may have left the board for a bit, i.e., she's not ignoring Heather or anyone else. This is one lady that stays on top of her responses.
I want to just state the uR is one of those ladies that I have the utmost respect for. She comes here, shares her life w/those who read her postings and yes, there is a connection between some of the posters and uR. That isn't uncommon...we all make connections w/some of the posters because of interests and what has transpired in our lives. She is not saying that others are not worth acknowledging.
Bright, do not take uR's comments about not posting to others personally. It's an open forum and one that everyone has the right to make choices both about who to post to as well as taking some of the advice and chucking the rest.
I do get it...that you are frustrated w/detachment and how it works and when it works. I use to get so frustrated and the more I tried to detach, the harder it was to do until one day I stopped trying and eventually everything fell into place. Each person will learn how to detach in their own time. Some will detach just enough to move on and others will detach to the point of no return at all. It all depends on the person and the circumstances.
Shining, job, I completely agree that uR has the right to post to whomever she chooses to. I respect that and I don’t expect her to show up on my posts. But it is not the first time when I post something to somebody else’s tread and even ask the question, and it gets completely ignored by uR. Even a general question, related to the thread I’m posing on. If you noticed, uR kind of answers it, but she addresses it to the poster she chose, not to the person who asked a question. Of course with the exception of a few select, including you. This is why you don’t notice it. I don’t want to go back and dig out some examples, but it sure feels different for me.
Job, I’m not upset that there was no reply to Heather’s question. I’m sure there will be, because Heather is one of the “chosen” once. I’m not saying it in a bitter way. I’m glad people get so much support here.
Don’t get me wrong, I have much respect for uR and her experience. There is a lot of wisdom in her posts and I read them because I choose to. However, we all participate in this board. And all of us want to voice our opinions or contribute is some way. There have to be a better way handling this.
Shining, just imagine that you are invited to a group of people, gather to just share their experiences and talk. You go around the room joining one conversation, then another... In some of them you have something to say, some of them you just listen too. Then you come to a group where one wise person shares her/his experience. Everybody listens and some people ask questions or share their thought. They get answers and replies. But when you try share your thoughts too, and even ask a question, you get completely ignored by that person. How would you feel?
I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one seeing it this way. Maybe I have some issues I have to work on. And I will work on these issues. Point taken.
Bright, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. That is never my intent.
So, let me just address a few things. There are people who come on here and are able to post to a lot of people. There are some who come on, post for a few days, and then leave for a time. There are some who post only to a few people. Each serves a purpose. Each is their preference.
My choice is to follow a few people and stay with them if I can. I want to be able to follow their sitch and I cant keep up with many at a time.
Sometimes when I read someone, their situations or the way they write resonates with me and allows me to write to them the way I feel I need to.
I cannot post to everyone. Again, I am sorry if my comments made you feel badly in any way.
I am not sure where you said I ignored you.
I just looked back over the thread. I am assuming that this is what you meant. I apologize for not addressing you personally. As this is Mighty's thread, I felt I should write to her.
Oh, come on uR. Of course Mighty is not detached the way you are or you would like her to be. You don’t expect her to be where you are right now, do you? I’m sure you would have the same thoughts at a time. Of course it means a lot to know if you spouse (or x spouse) still values something about you or your family. I just get so confused about this concept of detachment when I read some posts here. When you stop wondering about what your WAS might think or feel, you are pretty much DONE. There is no point of DB anymore, or being on this board looking for support. OK, this just my opinion.
No, I most certainly do not expect her to be where I am at. But, I do her a disservice if I dont try to help her get to where she needs to be. I disagree with what you wrote. I do not believe that if you detach it means you are done.
Letting go or detaching to me does not mean you dont care. It does not mean you are giving up. To me it means that you love them enough to want them to figure themselves out. One of the best things you can do is to accept what is. You don’t have to like it; you don’t have to understand it right now. But, the sooner you can just accept that this is your life at this moment, the sooner you can begin to heal.
If you fight against it, you stay stuck. You cannot move forward holding onto all of that. That is just wasted energy. Energy better spent on you. The holding on by us stops the forward motion in them. It means that you know you cannot control them and you will not allow their actions or words to affect your action or words. It means you are taking control of you and your life and accepting that they are going to do what they are going to do.
Is this hard to do? Yes. But it is possible. I believe that it is one of the greatest acts of love. It is saying that you hear them, you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to let them go with love.
Heather, I will answer your post tomorrow. If you dont mind, I will take it over to your thread so as not to continue on Mightys.
uR, thank you for clarification and for taking time to answer. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry if I overreacted. And, as always, this is a great post.
For me, I had to ask the question," Do I want this person in my life right now the way they are? Am I willing to lie down and take it as it comes or do I want more for myself?" Do you want to be a vibrant person or a doormat? Once you can live with your decision, then you will find the strength to succeed.
This was critical for me as well ^^^.
I truly hope stbxw gets the help she needs, and does the work. Finds peace and happiness.
I know I did all "I" can do...she has to want it, I can't do it for her (though I did try for over 20 years, but I know better now). It's up to her and God now.
Hellllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Wow... lots of stuff happenin' here! Soooooooooo.... I'm not going to really get into finite specifics of the posts..... just make a couple of comments, vomit through my fingers as I tend to do as a way to self assess here.
Here is the only quote I'm going to put, because, I had a feeling about myself and detachment, then I came across this and it reinforced my feeling.
Letting go or detaching to me does not mean you dont care. It does not mean you are giving up. To me it means that you love them enough to want them to figure themselves out.
So... first, I think that there are various levels of detachment. I think that wanted outcomes and circumstances also play a part in this, too. But, really I don't want to play semantics with it. I am going to speak of myself, my level, experience, and path.
I was detached. Is "was" the operable word? Quite possibly. I know that for sure, then reading the above definition only reinforced my belief that I was detached. Long before I posted here, I stepped back and let him go. I did not ask questions, interfere, get involved, pursue.... nothing. I did the above stated definition. In fact, doing that helped me believe that he would find his way... and ultimately, I had faith that it would bring him back this way. I let him go, but I was still detaching. Things still bothered me.
Nuke- hmmm.... tailspin. But things happened quickly. I know I reached a point of some good ol' fashioned detachment. For sure. Not only had I let him go, but I unhook my wagon. I reached a point where things that had bothered me just didn't anymore. It became less and less..... I was moving on with my life. I was starting to see my life without him. I accepted that he was gone... I was making decisions for me. I was finding peace in that.
Now, things happened out of nowhere. How do I feel? I don't know. I don't really even associate it with attachment or detachment at all. Because I can still see a life without him and that I don't know if I want him... I don't feel attached. I don't have those same desperate feelings that I had before. It is different.
But the spinning comes from whether I want to reattach, I guess. Ellie was right when she said I was in limbo. But it isn't about him. It's about me. What do I want... well... I have been asked that several times. I don't know. I think having my family together is a beautiful thing. But could it work? I don't know. So back to the question, what do I want?
I want peace.
I want someone who wants me. (I think this is one of the biggest)
I want someone who respects me.
I want someone who supports me.
I want to be happy.
I want my kids to be happy.
I want someone who is willing to put effort into a r with me.
Again, I cannot reiterate enough... I want someone who wants me. Not just that I am trustworthy, loyal, strong.... I want to be wanted and desired.
One of the key things I have gotten out of this past week is when uR said that there are certain things that trigger me with hww. Clutch. I mean, duh.... why didn't I think of that? I have been blinded by my rage with her. Again, I found a way to work through lots of "stages" with xh. As far as hww... it was a battle that I didn't understand. I have never, ever, ever had respect for women like her. Ever. Then it appeared in my life... like being swallowed by a bull shark when you never even saw him coming.
I kept thinking and hearing that she wasn't worth any energy. And this is true, but it didn't help me process through the stages with her. It's not the same process as xh, obviously, bc xh meant the world to me, and she means nothing. But, what do you do with all of this emotion towards someone. It was like a bouncing rubber ball. Smack it down because she isn't worth it, but the anger would bounce right back up because I didn't know how to deal with her.
What would set me off was the entitlement she felt she deserved my husband. It's crazy (and since her mom has sent the most ridiculous texts to xh criticizing him for being with his kids, and trying to make him feel like crap about HIS "little" family--- uh, his actual family, and asking if he wants his daughter (the baby- not OUR daughter) to be with someone who would treat her the way he has treated hww. Like, seriously? They are so dumb.) Anyway... digression alert!!
So, basically, blah blah blah... you all know the things that would set me off. For the most part... the damage that it has cause my family with no sense of accountability or compassion for what was done... just a sense of entitlement to cause the destruction to so many people, including kids (his kids, the guy she "loves") with no remorse or concern. THAT'S what pi$$ed me off.
But.
I.
Cant.
Change.
Anyone.
(except myself.)
It had nothing to do with detachment nor me wanting to be with xh. It was the pain and anger inflicted by two selfish people.
I was moving along with my life. All the recent events came quickly. Very quickly. I was pretty side-blinded by them. It wasn't in the works. That's what sent me spinning. What I would have done months prior to get to this place... omg. And now, things are different. It is like a total mind f.
And on top of that, all of a sudden, things that I had moved past are now resurfacing. Things I never thought would be stirred up again came bubbling up, shaking the new foundation which I was reestablishing. I was hit again, only this time I am still standing. I am stronger. I can make decisions. I just don't know what or how, but I can see that there is a world outside of what I know. Outside of my comfort zone. One that is OK.
So maybe I haven't reacted the best to some of the situation. But I'm human. I make mistakes. I am learning. And, boy, a lot, a lot, a lot in a short period of time.
Rewind to the "triggers" with hww. This is gold right here. Now since I am aware of them, it has helped me tremendously. It is not just reactions and emotions flying out of nowhere. Since I am aware of these triggers, I have a better understanding of where and why, and how to respond.
One thing that has helped me is to remember that when something happens (something that is upsetting or I want to react or I'm waiting for someone to react or do something) I just remember that this is a temporary feeling. It is a temporary situation. Even if it does not work out how I want, I won't be in this exact situation forever. For example, when I was frustrated about something and I thought that xh should call me about it, I thought, so what if he doesn't? What is going to happen? It's not like we will never talk again. I'm not going to be frustrated forever. Get over it. Not everyone is going to do what I want or expect. Nor will I reciprocate. So... those "moments" we have are only moments. They will not last forever. That uncomfortable feeling is fleeting.
Oh and btw... I love all of you guys. I love that you take the time to put forth careful consideration into my sitch. That you all take time to help me. You guys are the best. I truly hope you all are doing so well.
Love that post, Mighty.
You dont have to make a decision today about what you want.
I know the feeling you have regarding her. I get it completely, because I am such a woman's woman in that way. I didnt get how one woman could do that to another woman.
I held onto that for a long time. Until I realized, she wasnt me. No matter how much I didnt get it. No matter how angry I was. No matter how much I wanted her to understand her part in all of this, she wasnt me.
So, I had to let that go. It was for me that I did it. For no one else. It was a process. It took some time. But man, when I did, I felt lighter. She no longer had any control over me or my life. None. Nothing.
It no longer mattered to me why she did it or how could she have done it or why didnt she see. Didnt matter to my life. There was no place for her in it.
It reflected in my actions to my xh. It reflected in my attitude. Not my circus...not my freakin monkeys.
I know that you work through things in your own way. I am the same.
None of us reacted to things perfectly. Who can when emotions are involved?
As long as you are moving forward...even with tiny steps sometimes..that is what is key.
You are ok, M.
Now I will do a brief update on my current sitch (lets see IF I can be brief- not something I'm really known for).
Xh and I have had several conversations. They are always good. I feel comfortable, as I feel he does to in having them. Even though they aren't the most comfortable things to talk about. He still remains quite sincere, remorseful, and patient.
I see him withdrawal a little bit here and there. But I don't take it personally, and I can see that it really isn't about me. As he said today, he isn't even really concerned about money anymore (as in not top priority), he just needs to focus on getting his head on straight. But I still don't call him or anything like that. I let him take the lead. I am just watching.
His dad was taken by mercy flight yesterday from one hospital to a larger one in the city. Xh left work and called me right away on his way there. His dad is not almost 2 hours from my house, 1.5 from my work. I did ask him if he wanted me to go yesterday after work. He said "you don't have to; you can if you want." I just told him that it was just for him and that I would do what he wanted. He said he wouldn't be there much longer, so I went home to be with the kids. He does call me now when he leaves and things like that. He called me when he left work today. These are things that he would have done in the past. Things that were "normal" for us. It almost seems normal... if it weren't so abnormal.
They didn't know if fil was going to make it. When xh left work yesterday morning, he called me and said he was going to hurry and get to the hospital before he was put on mercy flight. He didn't make it, but drove up to the other hospital.
My bil who lives 8 hours away came up yesterday. We are very close. He is very close with xh and me both. He has been an amazing support for both of us. He is staying with me (while xh stays next door with other bil- weird, right?)
Bil came in late last night. He told me that xh was in a rush to get to the hospital to see their dad before he was flown over to the other hospital. He said that xh was hauling @ss bc he had some things that he wanted to say to fil (if/before he passed??). He said that he wasn't sure what it was, but indicated that he thought it wasn't anything positive for fil. Gulp. I mean, I think a HUGE part of this is because of the damage fil caused xh. Xh has held that tightly forever. I just don't know. Even when bil was up over the summer he said that he was even more disgusted with his dad because he sees how it affected xh. I am not, by any means saying that it is an excuse, but there is some unfinished business that I hope xh is able to work out productively.
For me... well.... I've made lots of progress the past few days. I am feeling much better about the sitch. I am good with just letting it rest for now. Seeing how things play out. I talked with xh about his sitch with hww.
I told him that I do still have some triggers. That I've worked thorough a lot, but there a few more things for me to get past. He seemed to appreciate my openness for him to understand, which he seems to. Acknowledging them helps me keep them in check. Big time. I understand how he is handling things with hww. I respect what he is trying to do. (Oh and to clarify a previous post... when I said that it bothers me for him to take care of "her" I meant hww.... not the baby!) And it's not that I want him to treat her like crap (or do I?), but it bothered me that everyone would cater to her and run to her whenever she was displeased or upset because she was pregnant---- (everyone... in unison... you've heard it before....) BY MY HUSBAND! hahaha!
It's just a wait and see for now. S17 is still doing so much better. It is great to see. And yup, he's been off those meds. I can't believe that counselor was all in my face about it last week. She needs to chill. I canceled all the scheduled appointments with her. He is doing better without.
D13 has been house shopping. She wants to move out of state. She can't stand the "girls at my school" because they are b!tchy and DRAMA QUEENS. She can't stand that. I'm like, well babe, you are going to find that wherever you go in 8th grade. Xh thinks she wants to move bc of hww and the baby. I wouldn't be surprised. Mabye she will talk me right into it! Ha!
So it's up in the air with fil. Also with the baby. Those are just a wait and see thing. Xh is floating around right now. Although he does not at all "try" anything with me, and says he does not want to pursue a r with anyone right now, he like to be around me. Even when the kids aren't here, he will come to talk to me or call me to talk on his rides. I wonder if it is just because he is used to having that with someone and doesn't know how else to be? I don't hold any weight to it. I am just being friendly with no expectations. I am really ok with it. Bil in town, so they will be spending time together. It's hard to make any real decisions with everything going on and the holiday on top of it.
That's why I think it is easer for me to keep the focus on me and maintaining my routine. I am in a good place. I do, however have surges of feelings... thinking of them being together... that not fun stuff. But it isn't all the time; however, it is painful and I wish it wasn't there at all. That's part of deciding if I really want to engage in that or not.
Got some things to do tonight, but I am anticipating getting caught up with ya'll soon. I appreciate you hanging in there with me! XO
uR-- YES! Thank you. I loved that post from you! I have loads of respect for you. I can't believe some of the things you have endured with ow. Ugh.
But I can't wait to get to that point you describe. I see it in the distance!!!!
I can't believe I forgot to tell you..... I thought of you when I did this, but I keep forgetting to post it to you.
(Unless I did and forgot- quite possible)
I think it was the first night xh was at the house since all this craziness took a turn, and I was getting him a drink. (Remember one of the things that "changed" was the frequent hoodie wearing- which d13 would even make comments to him about recently)
So I got him a drink in a glass and taped a paper towel to the glass and it looked like a hoodie on the glass. I took it to him and he and d13 knew exactly what it was. They were cracking up.
Mighty,
Wow...you are Mighty Woman!
So it's up in the air with fil. Also with the baby. Those are just a wait and see thing. Xh is floating around right now. Although he does not at all "try" anything with me, and says he does not want to pursue a r with anyone right now, he like to be around me. Even when the kids aren't here, he will come to talk to me or call me to talk on his rides. I wonder if it is just because he is used to having that with someone and doesn't know how else to be? I don't hold any weight to it. I am just being friendly with no expectations. I am really ok with it.
Right now, H sees you as his best friend who's got his back. That requires trust. That is saying a lot in not so many words. He knows that you are not being judgmental or lashing out at him for his God-awful because he knows full well the fall out from them for he is SEEING THEM firsthand. As they say, "it ain't pretty at all."
You are the safe harbor in the storm of hww, baby, and FIL. Let hww slide into the bunny boiler territory..not you. Boy, boy. Those OWs must be drinking from the same water.
Try not to unload too much on H of your triggers. Right now, he's very concerned about FIL and may blow his gasket at him about some unresolved businesses between them. Which means that your needs/concerns will need to be put on the back burner for now...a temporary parking space, if you will.
Keep going, Mighty! You have a lot going for you.
I'm rooting for you and your family!
OMG, Mighty...I love that story about the paper towel...too funny. Hey, I just felt if I was going to walk through this, I would do it with some laughs.
I see we have the same warped sense of humor. LOL!
Hey wonka. Thanks so much; your support is very helpful. Good reminder that I needn't dump my stuff on him now. I like the "temporary parking space" idea. I still think about the "sirens" too. (You'd be a good teacher!)
uR.... I love our crazy humor... Ironically, it probably keeps us sane!
I found out late last night that xh's rush to see fil before getting onto Mercy Flight was to tell him he forgives him.
Interesting. There has been some digging deep on xh part. Some things he said *realizes* requires some thought-out soul searching.
He told me he has spent a lot of time alone.
More to be done, I presume.
Mighty - I have been out of the loop for a while and catching up on the latest drama. Fwiw I think you have been dealing with it all incredibly well, and I totally related to the bouncing rubber ball image - it is the breath-taking entitlement of these women who come in and help to wreck the lives of others, with no apparent remorse. But I can see that giving them any power isn't good for us It's a bit like exercising and losing weight - hard work and not always much fun, but there is an end result for us if we keep on doing the right thing.
One thing you can hang on to though, is that whatever happens with your xh and your future, his behaviour has given you a closure. When they stay out in the MLC wilderness that is something we never ever get. And it matters. So hang on to that thought. Your xh acknowledges what he has done, and he is sorry.
Oh, and I have been having a lot of fun, not sitting in a darkened room brooding!
Thanks, bea. You hit the nail on the head with that post.
I gotta say, guys... this is tough stuff. Really tough. My insides are wrenching. I see this guy, my husband, just the shell of him. He is lost. He is here, but not present. Who knows where he is. But to have him in arms reach, but so out of reach is really difficult.
To have a friendly r with him, but have to stay so reserved is quite difficult. To hardly get a good-bye, because it is so weird and awkward... not know what is going on upstairs. I just don't know. It is tough. I am up and down like crazy.
I am much better at work. I have fun and am so much more focused than I have been in the past year. I feel much more independent there, and that I can forge ahead with my own life.
I car pool, too, so I don't get that alone time. I am finding that for a very long time, I just wanted to be alone. Now, being alone is not good. That's when my mind goes crazy and I start to lose it and my emotions and thoughts take over.
I am thinking that because I don't want to be alone that possibly I am on the upswing? I mean, I don't feel like that, but I hate sitting in sorrow. Before I just didn't want to be around anyone, and I felt like such a buzz-kill anyway.
Alone time is not good, but I need it sometimes too. I am like on a different ride every few days.
Really, one of the hardest things is being near xh and not being able to just grab him and hug him or anything like that. I know it sounds so stupid, but it is torture. Plus, I just don't want to be the one to engage like that. It shouldn't be me, and I won't allow myself to be that anymore.
It's just really difficult.
Mighty,
I've been giving your sitch some more thought. Here's an idea and it is CRITICALLY important that you time this right.
When you see H feeling overwhelmed and discouraged sitting down on a chair (sofa...whatever furniture it is), I would suggest that you lightly tousle his head and say, "H, sounds/looks like you're feeling tossed around in a storm with a lot going on. It has got to be rough on you...I feel for ya and you know where to find me if you want to talk." Smile warmly at him. Don't hang around him. He will seek you out when he's ready.
Build up H a bit here and there. Ever so slightly.
Mighty, I largely agree with Wonka, but I would be careful about touching your xh. Some MLCers (and he is still in crisis) are very touch averse, and others aren't. I think it may have something to do with guilt and depression, but am not sure.
I think it is normal to want and need alone time, even if it is painful. There is a lot to process. Equally wanting company is healthy.
Mighty your xh is still very much in crisis, from what I can see, and as you will have read, it takes time for them to feel comfortable in their skins again.
It is imperative that he is 'allowed' to finish the crisis in his own time, otherwise it will resurface, possibly even more destructively at a future date.
My gut feeling is that he is one of those who works his way out of all of this, but he will need space, and you will need more patience than you ever thought possible!
Yes, thank you guys. You are such an amazing support system. Here is a text conversation we had two nights ago while he was at the hospital. Lemme know what you think.
Xh: How's it going? Did you guys get a tree?
Me:Hey. Just p/u D13. In grocery store & going for a tree after. How it going there?
Xh:Small improvement. Its going to take time.
Me: Improvement is good! You tired?
Xh: Always tired.
Me:I know. I'm sorry.
Xh:What are u sorry for?
Me: I feel bad & wish I could make it better.
Xh:Don't. I did it
Me:Doesn't matter- it's hard to see someone you care about struggling. That's how I felt all year.
It will get better. And you won't always be so tired! I can't wait for you to be fun again.
Xh:thank you Mighty
Me: Zp
Xh: Ha
I was grocery shopping and trying to hurry, so I wasn't at my best. When am I? But yeah, wonka, you are right. I like that. Thanks for adding to it, bea.
Xh has been stopping by frequently. He texts me good night every night & have a good day every morning. Calls me at times he used to. It's weird but normal. I mean, this while thing hs been pretty fast paced.
Tonight he came over after work. He talked to me a little bit about HWW. I just listened, and I can tell I am in a much better ace. I was able to listen with empathy without my own emotion issues. He is very overwhelmed w her. She definitely is the screaming sirens! Her mom texted him that he "only cares about his precious little family". Which is so rediculious to me. D13 said tonight that her friend hasn't said anything about her (her family is close to HWW) since she went off about HWW to her friend. She said her friend knows better. Eek!
Anyway it is nice too be able to listen w/o being emotional. He needs someone to talk to. He said she is the reason he can't sleep bc she makes him crazy. She is totally trippin and emotional. Sounds like their time together wasn't amazing & I know he wasn't emotionally into it. Like, I knew he was only a shell a long time ago. But knowing how spoiled she is, that doesn't matter to a shallow person. I know she will forever be bothers her by the fact that there is something she wants but doesn't have. And really it isn't xh- it's he idea of him she created in her head.
Oh well... Care less. What I want? Who knows.
Hang in there, Mighty! You are doing awesome:-)
Xh & bil came back to my house last night. It got a little ugly. Xh is obviously insecure about some things and twisted stuff around. I don't even know what the heck happened. Plus I had 2 glasses. Of wine before they got there. Not good. I'm a lightweight.
I just don't even know what happened. But he said something about leaving and I said bye. So he left. It was pretty uncomfortable. Poor bil!
Ok- lessons learned. Stay away from wine. Don't get defensive. Speak softly. STFU.
Today is a new day.
Consider the possibility that he might have deliberately picked a fight with you, maybe in order to go see HWW.
Consider the possibility that you really just don't know "why"
Two glasses of wine? You should be careful if you're not very practiced - you could pull a hammy or somethin'
AJ
M, I know you are a straight shooter so I know I can keep it real with you. I do you a disservice if Im not honest with you.
Me: Improvement is good! You tired?
Xh: Always tired.
Me:I know. I'm sorry.
Xh:What are u sorry for?
You see that there ^^^...he doesnt want you to be sorry. That's probably his guilt talking, but, it makes them angry. And what are you sorry for?
Me: I feel bad & wish I could make it better.
Xh:Don't. I did it
And again....not your job to make it better, right? Nor does he want you to. You gotta let him figure this out on his own, sweetie.
Me:Doesn't matter- it's hard to see someone you care about struggling. That's how I felt all year.
You kinda negated his feelings there...
And you won't always be so tired! I can't wait for you to be fun again.
Not sure what you were going for up there. LOL! He is struggling pretty hard, so, he may have misinterpreted that a bit.
Yea, the wine...not such a good idea, I guess.
. My guess is that he is feeling a lot of pressure with his father and with her and the baby coming. It spilled over.
Give him plenty of space here, M. It is good for him and for you.
Haha! AJ, that's funny!
Ellie, don't think so, but I can't be blind to the possibility. He did go home- it's next door. Truth be told- I was being kind of an @ss. I called his bluff when he said he'd leave.
uR, you're right. And I appreciate the honesty. Don't know what I was trying to accomplish. I do just feel bad. I always have, even when I was so pi$$ed. I thought that it was sad for someone to be so broken inside that they felt they had to do this to their family to find happiness.
I am learning things every day. It can be quite arderous trying to navigate through this.
More like torturous...LOL!
I know it is so hard to watch.
The MLCer goes in and out of the phases. Some skip some. Some go up and around again while trying to figure out their stuff.
They are trying to figure out what they want, who they are. They are trying to reconcile what behaviors will stay from before the MLC. What things they will keep from during the crisis. What do they want their lives to look like now?
They have to decipher and accept what brought them into the tunnel.
Because all this inner turmoil is happening, it causes them to sometimes revert back to some of the behaviors from the beginning of it all.
They need to reconcile what happened in that stage and then close the door on it.
It is normal for them to revisit a lot of it and to feel very confused.
This really is the time for you to let him know you are around, but, let him see you are giving him a lot of space. This time is crucial. They are extremely fragile. They are working really hard.
It is all part of the process. It is all part of the journey out of the tunnel.
I know that your first instinct may be to want to reach in and pull him the rest of the way out.
But, while you can be there guiding from a distance, this part really has to be done by them. If it isn’t, they may need to finish it later.
He gave you some valuable info from that convo, right? He doesnt want you to be sorry. He doesnt want you to fix it.
So, today is a new day. Back on your path, right?
Hey friends.
Things are ok with me right now. I am finding that I am getting more comfortable with things. Having found my triggers helps me a little bit in keeping them in check.
Things with xh are progressing at a slow but steady rate. We are more comfortable around each other most of the time. I don't dominate conversation as I usually would. Sometimes I just stay really quiet, even during an awkward silence. Weird having those...
Not that I'm acting like a freak or anything, but I just want to make sure xh has the time to step up, I guess. That it isn't just me rolling with it. He does come see me every day. He texts me every morning to wish me a good day, and every night to say good night. Or to thank me or tell me he appreciates me.
I haven't been stressing hww as much. I did notice two nights ago, as I was in my living room talking to bil, that a car rolled by so slowly. Almost at a stop. It accelerated slightly when it rolled to the house next door, then slowed down and came to a complete stop at bil next door. They sat there just staring at his house. Finally a car came up behind and the car had to pull off and leave. It is weird.
With that said about not stressing hww, there are still some things that bother me. Some a little less than they would have, but others I am still dealing with, and it is very difficult.
For example, her entitlement ceases to amaze me. Apparently she told xh that she can't believe he would leave her. No guy has ever left her. She is the one to always leave and they all cry over her. She doesn't understand why xh is even on her mind because [every one wants her- type deal].
That has got to be very difficult for someone so spoiled and gets whatever she wants to deal with- the rejection. Good.
I think she got a little too comfortable. Especially with someone else's husband- he knows it was a lot better. Unreal, she is.
But the thing that is really hard to deal with is the fact that he is over there right now putting together a baby swing. PUKE! Ugh. That is so frustrating. She is such a damsel in distress. I mean, she can't put a swing together? Whatever. And she has a dad who babies her and a brother... come on! It's not like she calls her other kid's dad to do anything. It's a tactic. It's unbearable.
Xh says he sees right through it, but wants to keep the peace while she is pregnant and to try to work things out as smoothly as possible. I can't blame him for that, but she is so unbelievable. The fact that she didn't want xh to come her to even pick up his kids, because she was uncomfortable, when he had a family and we were married, yet she expects him to take care of everything for her.
She is the dumbest, most clueless, most selfish human being I have ever come across in my entire life.
OK, I feel slightly better having that out there. I had to come here tonight to get some clarity and to vent. It is really frustrating, you guys. I know some of you have handled the ow so well. I also am sure that if she weren't preg that she would be totally out of the pic. But thinking of him over there setting up a swing for their baby... I can't stand it. Part of me has accepted it. Part of me is nauseous. Part of me feels dead. Part of me is angry.
It's a hard thing to really wrap your head around. Do I want to deal with this forever? I just don't know.
She still continues to be so disrespectful to me and my kids, and feel like everyone owes her the world. I want to give her a special delivery of a punch to the face. A welcome home present when she gets out of the hospital. I know, it won't do any good, and of course I wouldn't, but I can't say I don't think about it.
Often.
Yadda, not worth it, yadda. I know. But.... ooooooooooooh doggie......
I have to give it up. Lord, handle her. Please.
It's not my place.
3 weeks. Things will change. Bil keeps telling xh that everything is to be determined once the baby is here. Bil is amazing and really has worked at bringing xh and I together. He is pulling for us more than anyone. He is xh's confidant right now and had been super supportive. It is funny the times he has been in town this year. (He came the week of nuke and stayed with me and not xh and hww. Now he is still with me, with xh next door.)
But I have to say, that I don't think everything should be determined by that factor. Yes it is a MAJOR factor, but I feel like second place again. Waiting for her and her freaking baby, while I sit in the wings. It's annoying. That's why gal is still so important.
I need to be confident. I need to make it known that I am fine no matter what. I just don't need this mess. I also know that this stage in mlc is very shaky. That there shouldn't be pressure or things like that. I just questioned tonight, what am I gaining out of this? Of course my family and that, but I feel I was left for dead. By my family. So what do I gain by keeping this person around. I love him, but this is torture.
I guess everything does depend on what happens in 3 weeks. Xh has made it clear that he will never go back. He told me he is well aware of the kind of person she is. He was never happy there. But, I just cant have a r with him if he is going to run and be manipulated by her and her mom. They don't call the other dad unless it is for more money. She controls everything about the r with her son and his dad. EVERYTHING. She threatens him so badly that he does whatever she says. (He even told me that he is scared he will be paying her all of his money and will never be able to see his son). It is outrageous. Now with xh, she is going crazy that he doesn't want her, so she is more intent on getting what she can't have. So she isn't going to just call him for money, bc she wants him there.
OK, rant over. That was some serious venting. I am aware of what is happening. It is just really hard. I am not sure exactly how to handle the sitch. Just stfu, I guess.
OK, other note...
There really hasn't been any physical contact with xh and I since he first left. Yesterday, he put my feet on his lap yesterday. Then at the end of the night, he gave me a really big hug. It was nice. But yeah, sllllloooooooooowww. That's good. And build up is always interesting!
Plus yesterday morning, I said something jokingly, (as we were sitting in our 'usual' coffee spot!! The chairs that were vacant for a year), and I said I was just kidding. He said, smiling, "I know. But someday, when we are retired somewhere, I know you will still be messing with me. And that's ok."
But I have to say, that I don't think everything should be determined by that factor. Yes it is a MAJOR factor, but I feel like second place again. Waiting for her and her freaking baby, while I sit in the wings. It's annoying.
Well, it's not about him choosing you or her - it's about YOU deciding whether you can live with her BS in your life for the next 20 years if the baby turns out to be his.
I know it's hard to wait, but - you just gotta wait.
Apparently she told xh that she can't believe he would leave her. No guy has ever left her. She is the one to always leave and they all cry over her. She doesn't understand why xh is even on her mind because [every one wants her- type deal].
Yes, really quite astounding. She's a total twit, no doubt about it. But do remember - it took TWO people to make this mess, and your Ex was such a ninny that he couldn't see what a total twit this girl was? AND he was stupid enough to have an affair without at least using condoms (which, apparently, none of them do, from what I can tell, but wtf???). PLUS who knows what he was telling her about the state of his marriage when they were first getting together ("oh, it was over a long time ago, we're only together for the kids, we don't even sleep together any more" BS probably).
Meh. People. They are what they are at a given point in time.
Mighty, the part you are in right now is the HARDEST of all the parts. As KML mentioned, it really is about what you want. This board is riddled with the same scenario(s) in that sense.
The hww? You do not have to deal with her the rest of your life. Like anyone else, YOU decide how you're going to deal. No right or wrong answer. Will she be around? Maybe. Maybe not. Is she in the way? Only for you, m'dear. That's your issue to overcome regardless what you decide to do. She may be in the lives of your kids for a long time to come.
But don't worry. Like many cell blocks, you hold the key to this. You are not powerless. In fact, you hold ALL the cards.
That's a lot of pressure I know. But if you step back and see this as a point in time, nothing more, then you can put it in its rightful place and make it back into a mole hill. The symptom that it was.
Take a breath, focus on the season with your kids and realize that this is a LONG journey. You're at the hardest part and you can and will make it just fine. What you're feeling is normal if you ask me. The doubts. The nausea. The pressure.
Set it down and know that there will be a time and a place to deal with it.
And don't forget to get time for YOU. You will be much better off with that time to yourself.
AJ
Just be sure to keep a pair of scissors handy, Mighty. Three more months cannot come fast enough!
Ellie, AJ, Wonka...
Thank you. I took the deepest breath reading your posts. I know you have my back. I know you will help me keep things in perspective. I feel much better. Regardless, I know that I do have control over what I want in my life. It feels good. Regardless of what I thought it would look like, I know that now, I can take steps every day to make it better, mine, and what I want it to be.
Xh just left. We actually hung out, just the two of us for a little while. It was nice. We addressed some stuff. He vented some of his concerns with hww/baby. It was good to be able to listen, I think for both of us.
He told me that in three weeks (Yes, Wonka... WEEKS! YIKES!), he is going after what he wants. That's me and the kids. He did not beat around the bush so much.
He told me that he was so confused last year. He just didn't understand. That there were a few little minor things that bothered him and he thought that it meant he didn't love me. He keeps talking about learning from mistakes- regardless of the outcome, he has learned some very hard lessons. He knows that there is no one that he could ever love as much as he loves me and that no one could ever replace me. He was teary when he said this. I know months ago I would have been mush. It means a lot to me, but now I can keep it together. Inside I am feeling the twinges.
He said he knows that there is nothing he can really say to tell me that he means it and that he is committed, but the only thing he can do is show it. And that it will take time, but he is devoted. He realizes that he does not have a say in my decision, and that it is just that.
Just some interesting stuff.
Thanks, guys, for having my back.
Wow Mighty- regardless of what you ultimately decide it must feel good to hear that he realizes his mistake and loves you more than anyone.
I can't imagine how hard your sitch is with hww and baby- but I am incredibly impressed by how you are handling things. To be able to still even be a friend to your H- you are an amazing person!!