New posting, reading for months...
OK, well, I will try to make this as short as I can. I have been reading boards for about 9 months (I really can’t believe it’s been this long!!!!!!) and db as best as I can. Well, I’ve hit a point in which I just don’t know what to do or how to deal.
Two years ago our lives became very hectic. We began some major renovations on our home which included 2 additions and gutting an entire floor leaving my kids to temporarily move bedrooms (which ended up being a year long!). Our renovations became a nightmare with the contractor and one thing after another went totally wrong. We were also putting in an in-ground pool, and a fence, so our yard was a disaster and things continued to go wrong there, so the inside AND the outside of our house was a disaster for a year (inside STILL NOT DONE- 2 yrs later).
Then, one of our rental units (the largest- a huge 4br family home) was destroyed after evicting a family and we had to focus on this for 6 months instead of our house (we had just ‘flipped” the rental house 3 yrs prior).
We found out that the vasectomy reversal my husband had (under my begging and pleading for another child) showed really not a chance of producing a child without further scientific involvement, which we decided we weren’t going to pursue.
Right when all of these “things” were starting, we found out my cousin was diagnosed with a rare and serious cancer.
Three weeks later, my (husband’s) nephew was killed by a drunk driver. He was very close with us- closer than anyone in my husband’s family, and my husband thought of him like a son. He was 25, had a little girl and baby on the way.
Three days after that, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
The following month, my life-long family friend, a neighbor who grew up next to us and still lived in my parent’s neighborhood, killed himself.
A few months after that, there was a rare storm and we had a flood. Our basement flooded, most of which was sewage from backed up city lines. All of our “stuff” was down there because of the renovations, including my son’s temporary “bedroom”.
It was one thing after another. More deaths of family friends, and it just seemed like so many things were going wrong and we couldn’t keep up. Everything was a mess and we really didn’t have time to deal with any emotions. This was a year of chaos.
So the next summer (last summer) we were trying to get caught up and back to reality. My h was different, however. He was angry and stressed. He would snap and rage. I just thought he was stressed. With the realization that we wouldn’t have another child, I was determined to make the best of what we had- and we were blessed. I told my h that I wasn’t going to work 2 jobs (which I had done the previous 2 years) and we could focus our time and energy on our (2) kids and family and have fun. We had, after all, worked very hard for many years.
Things were different, but I was ignoring it- writing it off as stress. One weekend, we were around the house. I asked my h if he wanted a drink. We were watching football and hanging out. He did not at all that weekend (different bc we usually would have a couple, no biggie). He said he didn’t want to bc he was trying to lose weight (he looked good, anyway- average weight).
The next night, a Monday in October (~1 yr after nephew’s accident), he called and said he was going out for a drink after work. I was like, OK, whatever. A few hrs went by, and I thought about how he didn’t want any w me. At 10:30 PM, I texted him “shady” bc something felt way off. He came right home and went into a rage and said he wanted a divorce. He said he does not love me and our marriage [censored].
My h came home from work 2 wks after bd and said he saw a lawyer. In the meantime we were still hanging out. He seemed so confused. When I looked into his eyes, they were crazy! He left one morning and gone overnight and lied about his whereabouts (I called onstar and got addresses, he was in another city).
Then h informed me he rented a place. He moved out Thanksgiving weekend. About a week before he left, we had a really nice talk. I told him all the things that I loved about our marriage. He cried and said he did not know what happened. We agreed we would use the time to work on ourselves and not involve anyone else to distract the process.
After he moved out, we still talked all the time, did things together, and texted. We did all our Christmas shopping together and he stayed here Christmas Eve. He spent all day Christmas here and left late, but wouldn’t stay another night.
He cried a lot over the fall and winter, and cried when he moved out. He was clearly depressed and confused. The first time kids stayed with him, he came to me and cried saying they did not belong there; they belonged here. H said that it was “terrible” going out to dinner with them because of the empty spot where I should have been.
H also came for New Year’s and stayed. I had planned a weekend trip as Christmas gift and was not sure if I was going to give it to him, but he’d opened my mail and saw it. H said he wanted to go.
The week of the trip he’d gotten a promotion, texted me right away and was really happy. He told me about some of the traveling he had to do and I said, “I’ll go with you,” and he said, “For sure!” That week he went out of town for work, and we were going to leave when he got back for our trip (his xmas present). I did not hear from him while away, then he sent me a text the night before we were to leave, “We need to talk.” He said he wasn’t going on the trip and wanted to proceed with the “separation” and to tell him how I want to divide things up. I canceled the trip and the next morning (a few hours after we should have left) he called me and said, in a very quiet voice, “We should have gone.” I told him I was taking the kids to the movies later, and he could come. He texted me all day, picked up pizza, we ate together and went to the movies.
Things were starting to become more distant then, but he no longer talked about pursuing divorce. In February, we had a family trip planned (booked 3 weeks before bd). He said we should cancel. I told him, no way am I taking it away from the kids. He can go or stay, but we were going. He decided the week before (texted me and kids) “I’ll go!” Then over the next few days began raging at me saying I was pressuring him and I was not giving him a choice about going. It was CRAZY! I was not dealing with any sort of a rational person. He went at the last minute. We had a decent time. Every night there, he would go into his room at 8PM and lock the door. He did not have a TV in his room in the condo. He would not come out until the next morning. Twice he left in the car by himself. It was weird, but I was trying to give him the space he asked for months prior and not make him feel “pressure.”
When we got back, he was SUPER nice the next two days, then asked for a favor (writing something for him for work- which he always asks me to do). Then when I was working on it, it got weird again. He could hardly utter a “thank you” but sent a text before I finished “I appreciate everything you have done for me.” I did not hear from him for two days. Then he sent a text, “I made an appointment to meet with a mediator.” Since then, we have finalized a separation agreement. He monstered through EVERY conversation we had, even though I really didn’t ask for anything outside of child support. He just turned into a very crazy, out of control man. However, when not talking about d, we were fine and still sat together at kids games/events.
He filed for divorce and called me while he was in the lawyer’s office for the kid’s ss#s. I told him and said “Have fun” and hung up. He called me later to ask why I hung up so quickly. Seriously??
I’ve left him alone. I was hoping that he would just get this divorce he was adamant to have and feel less pressure then realize that what he’d done. I didn’t really argue with him this whole time. I’ve had my moments, but have really improved on not taking his bait.
About 2 weeks ago, I was going away with the kids. He texted me, “Have a safe trip.” When I got back, (kids were staying the week with family), he called me the next morning at work to tell me that he has been “seeing someone” since March (total LIE!!!!!) and that she is pregnant! OMG- holy-of-control! WHAT?? HOW? I asked him how, bc he can’t, and he said he has to take her work for it. It was a 3 min conversation. He asked if I knew because of my reaction. I was stunned! I hung up. He texted me, “I’m sorry.” An hour later: “I’m sorry for all I put you through.” Later that night: “are you ok”. (Its funny I can tell he was with her bc the text was so rushed when ususlly he uses punctuation, etc. and now he only texts or calls during work hours.)
He called the next morning, from work. I still hadn’t responded. I waited a couple days- didn’t know what to say! Then I called. We talked for an hour. He really didn’t say anything. He will not tell me her name. I guessed “W”, he said yes, how do you know? I said that’s the name on your phone in September. He said it wasn’t her. I ended up going off. Telling him he really f’ed up. He will never be able to trust her bc she’s a hww. They will never work out. She does not give a f about his kids because she put herself before them. She was going to take away their vacation and he was too bc she did not want h to go. It was nuts. He did not say anything. I told him we weren’t even divorced and she is 4 months pregnant…? He said he’d heard from lawyer that week about finalizing divorce. I said well then aren’t you relieved, you are finally divorced and rid of me (still not final), and he quietly said, “Its not a relief.
Then I said, “H, Good bye, my husband. Good bye, my best friend.” He got really choked up and couldn’t talk. He whispered, “I gotta go.” I said, “Bye, I love you.” (can’t believe I said that!) H barely verbalized, “Bye.”
Then I found out they bought a house together! It’s in both of their names. I can’t believe this. I did not even know she existed, and they have a house together with her toddler and baby on the way. It is very difficult to wrap your head around the fact that your husband has replaced your family when you didn’t even realize it! It’s one thing to think about him starting to date, but he is in this whole relationship playing house!
He told the kids a few days ago about ow/preg/living arrangements. They freaked! Their beautiful home is NOT FAR FROM ME!!! and have been living in it for a few weeks!!!! She is in her 20’s, has a 2 year old, and works with him.
Here are weird things about the (most current) sitch:
• He said she’s due in December, and just turned 3 months. Mathematically it does not work out, and he gets really weird when you say she is 4 months, which, clearly she is if due in Dec.
• When kids asked how shes preg, bc he had vasectomy (they did not know he reversed), he responded, “Who told you that? That’s not true.”
• He told the kids, “I’m a grown man; I can do whatever I want to do.” Classy
• I asked if she was divorced. He said yes. I said, well it must be recently, she has a 2 year old. He said, “No, she’s never been married.” What??????
• Bought expensive home, still leasing apartment (moved 3 times since December), all our stuff is still in his name, now 2 houses (just sold all the rental units), pool, cars (including new Cadillac he got in October, child support. I don’t know how he’s pulling this off!
• I can tell SHE is calling the shots. It is so out of character for him- a control freak!
• D asked him if he would be with her forever. H replied, “Yes, definitely.”
• Don’t think he is happy about preg
We have been together for 19 years, since high school.
H comes from a childhood of abandonment/abuse. His father cheated and he caught him! He never dealt with it. He easily shuts people out of his life. I never thought I’d be me.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who will try to get your M back on track. Can you tell us how old you and your H are?
Have you actually read the DB or DR books?
Well Mighty, welcome. I echo Mr B's comment and questions.
I suspect you're in the right forum as well.
If you haven't yet, you may want to read some of Cadet's links. They can be really helpful.
Can I say you have so far handled things really well? I know how crushing and devastating what you describe can be. Most of us here can.
Read up - it's helpful.
What was it you weren't sure about doing?
AJ
Wow, honey, so sorry to hear about your sitch.
A few things seem clear:
A) Obviously he was having an affair the whole time - don't let him gaslight you on this, your instincts are right on.
B) I wish you'd been more aggressive with the property settlement in the divorce, but what's done is done. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and the kids financially now. You should have a life insurance policy on your ex to cover child support if he dies.
C) Clearly depression and stress led to this, and he's obviously ambivalent about where he ended up. It's entirely possible he may come back to you at some point, but you need to figure out first what's acceptable to you. If you're not down for helping to raise his child with another woman, just get on up and move ahead in your own life.
D) Possibly not his child - although given his reversal, it's not COMPLETELY impossible that it's his. Such things do happen. But either you or preferably some friend or family member of his should encourage a paternity test once the baby is born.
E) Your priority right now is YOUR LIFE and YOUR KIDS. Don't waste too much time on your ex. It's sad but he's made his bed, you can't protect him from his bad choices, but what you CAN do is show your kids what a resilient self-confident woman can do with her life. Dream big dreams, take care of yourself, get a new hairdo, take up a new hobby, start a new side business, write a book, skydive - whatever. Figure out something you've always wanted to do, maybe something you couldn't do in the context of your marriage, and dive into it. Read books on budgeting and personal finance so that you can do the most with your kids with what you have.
In my case, when my H of 24 years left, I learned to play the drums and joined a punk rock cover band. I still play drums with them 5 years later, and this year I played vibraphone at SXSW with a friend's band. When I retire from my day job in a few years I expect to play even more! My adult children are still wrapping their heads around the idea that mom is rockin' more than they are, but they love seeing that I didn't let the divorce grind me to a stop - and that seems to help them with their adjustment too. (Oh, and now I have a very sexy handsome tall boyfriend who is 8 years younger and looks like Seal without the scars
).
MrBond, I'm 37 and my h is 36. Been together since 17. Have 17 &13 year old. I have read DR, and this forum faithfully.
AJM, Thanks. I'm OK. I'm really in shock. It was a VERY long and tough winter. I was just staring to do better and have the fog lift when I was smacked back to square one. I am, however, much stronger this time. I just feel so sick about it. I'm just not sure where my feelings are at this time. I love my husband very much. We had, what I thought, was an unbreakable marriage. He was my best friend. I knew I would stand for him and that we were meant to be. But this.... I just don't know. I mean, I don't really know that he's happy. And now he has been trying to reach out a little this week. It's all so new and I'm not sure how to react/respond. I just don't know. I'm numb.
KML- You are so spot on. And I love that you are rockin' now! What an inspiration!!
Thanks, guys, for taking the time to read and respond.
Much respect...
I guess at this much I am pretty much dark. It was so weird how it "ended." Up to this point, we still remained very friendly (outside of Monster, which I learned how to handle for the most part).
That one phone conversation just changed everything... well obviously. There was no communication for about a week and a half. Then he texted me, "How are you doing?" then, "And the kids?" I didn't respond.
I had to have forms fill out about the house, so I mailed them to his house with a note to please fill out. It was so weird sending to that house where he lives with her!
I also had to have him fill out form for switching car over. They would not send to me, need him to call. I had them call him and leave message, because at this point I am avoiding contact.
I saw him the next day at d's game. I walked past and didn't even look. He talked to d, and I just kept walking. The next day he dropped off mail (with no warning of coming- he called d to let her know when he was 2 seconds away), and gave it to d. Then he sent a text yesterday about taxes. Just a random and unnecessary text where he is trying to help me.
Since this bd, he now seems to have more interest in things here. He texts the kids ALL DAY LONG and night! For the last few months, he was so wrapped up in OW (we didn't know what he was doing, but apparent now). I can't imagine he has that much focus on her since he is texting my kids so much. D really does not respond. S does.
Now he wants to take them away on a road trip. UGH! He is so manipulating.
Welcome Mighty
Since you have been reading here for a while I will not put my normal welcome post with all the homework here unless you reply and ask me to do that.
Hopefully you have already read it all and you will ask questions if you need to.
Keep learning and posting.
Thanks. I'm OK. I'm really in shock. It was a VERY long and tough winter. I was just staring to do better and have the fog lift when I was smacked back to square one. I am, however, much stronger this time. I just feel so sick about it. I'm just not sure where my feelings are at this time. I love my husband very much. We had, what I thought, was an unbreakable marriage. He was my best friend. I knew I would stand for him and that we were meant to be. But this.... I just don't know. I mean, I don't really know that he's happy. And now he has been trying to reach out a little this week. It's all so new and I'm not sure how to react/respond. I just don't know. I'm numb.
Of course you're numb. Who wouldn't be in that situation??
And it's not abnormal to be making progress and then get smacked back to the start or somewhere else on the game board. That's pretty normal in these situations.
From the sound of it, he's not doing much better. Your assessment of his not being so focused on her nor very happy are likely very accurate.
If you haven't noticed, normal doesn't apply to him right now.
The question will be what you do, not what he does or doesn't do. He is in his own world.
If it's one thing I've learned personally - if you sit still and don't actively try to find the answers, they'll come find you. By that, I mean that you not actively try and figure things out with him. GAL as much as you can. If you don't feel like going out, go out with friends anyway. Take the kids, but stay active as much as you can. And if you haven't started exercising, it's a great way to relieve the stress. Like you, I was married to my HS sweetheart. She was about the same age at the time that journey began for me (37 -ish). I've since learned a great deal more than I wanted to about her actions and behaviors. And I stopped trying years and years ago
Post your thoughts. Vent. Stay active and GAL. It helps. I don't suggest dating any time soon. Not while you're still clarifying your thoughts and figuring out how things will work with the kids and while you decide if you're going to stand or not.
AJ
Hey Cadet. Yes I have read all the links in your greeting. It is such a great way for newbies to start and to learn. I've gone back and reread over the months. I find that different things apply at different times, and there is more meaning, depending on the stage.
Venting (beware!):
I of course thought my h was one of the rare ones without ow. I am such a sucker. I guess I had my ears set to believe this- self preservation, maybe? The "believe nothing of what he says" is so true. I guess I applied it to what I wanted, like, he does not love me and does not want to be with me. Ahhhh... such a fool.
I'm not sure where this ow situation leaves me. I don't really know of any sitchs here that have ow becoming pregnant. And the fact that they ran out and got a house together... well, if he were to leave her, he would have that guilt. Maybe even more than leaving us! I wish he had just stayed at his apt and figured things out. I think ow was living with her mom and her mom's boyfriend in a tiny house with her and her toddler. Not enough room for another one.
Wow, he though he was doing the right thing, being the stand-up guy by getting a house. Duh- you already have a house with a wife and kids.... um.... hello????
But at this point, he's the knight in shining armor. She is a mere 20-somethings, single mom. He is successful, handsome, has power in his position (she works there and is obviously attracted to that), drives a nice car.. blah, blah, blah... now buying a house for her and her babies.... blah, blah, blah...
Ok, gotta go be productive. Gonna finish dry walling the upstairs... was left with some serious renovations!
Good vent, Mighty. I'm sure there's more.
Something to keep in mind though - you are not and have not been a fool. We've all been in your shoes and have done similar. The MLCr hides things very well. They know you and know how to hide things from you. Very adept at it. It may be that you want to let that go, yeah?
If you had thought it, your actions would have been different for sure. But then, you might be the one that left if you were capable of thinking like that in the first place. And you'd be the crazy, delusional, paranoid one. I don't wish that on anybody.
Drywall? Rock it!
AJ
I can't do dry wall today. I tried.. I just can't get motivated to do these additions we started together. It is so overwhelming, and I am so over it. I went outside and mowed and did yard-work instead.
S told me he texted h to let him know he was going to pass on the road trip. Said he'd like to go, just not ready for that yet. H did not respond. S texted him 3 times- no response. S called him twice- h bumped him to voicemail both times.
S was upset. Seems like h is being different again. Once he told the kids about ow, preg, and them buying a house, he all of a sudden was texting them like crazy. He did this for 2 weeks. D has not really been too receptive, but feels bad and does not want to be mean. S has been stand-offish, but does respond. H texted me three times this week and I did not respond to any.
Since they did not jump on his offer to take them on a vacation, the texting has stopped for two days and isn't responding to s now- and bumping him to voicemail. Geesh!
Although h really does not seem to talk on phone with ow around, so maybe that's why s got bumped. Who knows? She is 4 or 5 months preg (who really knows??) and has not even met my kids. Not that I want her to. She did have a brief encounter with s, who had a couple names for her. oops.... She was not pleased. That meeting was about 10 seconds.
I know, I seem obsessed over this... but I have a lot more in me I need to get out. This is my security blanket at this point. I can't seem to focus... I just need to get these things out. There will be more soon, I'm sure.
Peace
Yes, Mighty, there will be more.
Keep in mind while you do this that your kids lost their dad in addition to you losing a H. He's not well, and his reactions to the kids won't likely be pleasant until he hits solid ground. Whenever that is. Try to keep their damage to a minimum though, ok?
AJ
AJ- Yes you are right, and it has been tough on the kids. S17 has had the most difficulty with everything. It has affected every facet of his life. He is angry and confused. Once he found everything out 2 weeks ago, he actually seems to be better. We talked he felt that he was waiting for h to come home, and we all really thought he would (I was surprised to hear my kids say that). But he felt that h has made a choice and now he can move on. It was heartbreaking to hear him say HE felt in limbo. It really isn't just the lbs that feels that.
I have been trying to keep the focus on more positive things. The last few weeks have been much more difficult in that area. However, the kids have lots going on to keep them busy. Thanks, AJ, for reminding me to keep perspective. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own grief. I am so lucky to have funny kids- we do laugh all the time!
H did not reach out to kids at all today. Even before when he wasn't making much effort to see them, he'd text them good night. Today- nothing.
I don't know if he's just upset that they aren't running to his offer of vacation, or if he is realizing some of the damage he has caused. Chances are, he is pouting. I guess only time will tell!
If you think about it, it's hardest on the kids. Like you, they didn't get a choice in the matter. They also got their world turned upside down. Everything they have been taught up to now is questioned at a time in their lives when they really have enough going on. Then there's the questions of allegiance, where they will live, is it my fault, etc. They go through the same emotions and feelings as the LBS only without being able to get a new dad. And they get the least amount of information to boot.
With your help, they can recover as much as possible. Just be careful to not bad-mouth their dad etc. That's not relevant to them and they'll form their own opinions. They'll want a relationship with their father and mother. Let them.
It'll be tempting to share too much. Be prepared for that. They are going to learn how to handle their relationships based on how you lead.
Seems unfair to you, but you are the one that's left to be a parent. A badge of honor if you ask me, but a lot more work than you planned on. Get your mind in the game and you'll be glad you did. You can grieve as well, but be selective in how you relate that to the kids. And yes, they'll learn how to grieve from you as well.
Laughter is the best. I'd much rather laugh my way through grief than cry, ya know? Life is how you see it IMHO
AJ
I have been going through this for months and have been doing fairly well. I have followed db rules, and it has helped so much. At this point, I am really at an all-time low. I don't know how to get past this unveiling of my h's life for the past year (or who knows really how long??).
As the shock wears off, I find myself stuck in a place I don't like. The questions are forever in my mind. Many, I guess, I really don't want the answers to. I did not obsess at all at first about ow. But now my thoughts are eating away at me.
How can this girl get pregnant by my husband?
How is she OK with keeping it a secret for so many months?
How can she buy a house with him when she has never even met his kids?
She knew he was married, how could she get so deeply involved when he's not even divorced.
How does she feel about keeping it a secret at work?
Why is she comfortable in a relationship where they are playing house and it is based on secrets and lies?
And, OMG, she 26! What the heck! She is only 9 years older than my son. That is so gross! She was in the same school district as my kids were- at the same time! My h has nieces older than her, won't that be weird. And how is he comfortable with that?
Why did they have to buy a house so close to me? I can't stand the though of seeing them around. And him at the store buying baby things... ugh.
Finding all this out at once is TMI!
Ok, those are SOME of my gripes... I'm not done...
I know in a MLC mind, nothing is really rational. So where do they go from here? I know buying a house with this hww was an impulsive decision. I don’t think the fantasy is playing out the way it was planned- does it ever? But, will this keep him stuck? I feel like he will have a hard time addressing his real, deep-seeded issues while in his current situation. I feel it is taking everything he has to keep up with his current sitch.
I really don’t think he’s happy. I don’t think the dream included being on the strict schedule of another man’s 2-year-old with a baby en route. He has been daddy for 17 years (since 19 years old) and now he is starting over?! I know that is not what he was looking for. When I begged him to reverse vasectomy, he was very unsure and said he did not really want to go back to that. Once they said it would take more to conceive, we opted not to, stating that it was time for us to have “our time”.
He is pretty ocd and hates things out of place. I wonder how that’s working out with her toddler. He has so much anger in him at this point. I have not made myself available to be on the receiving end. How long can he keep that hidden from her?
He has made indications that this is not what he wants. That it is “punishment.” He told me it’s not a relief that our divorce is almost final, even though he was so adamant all spring (while he was hiding her pregnancy). So why is he so deep into this? Why did he tell d that he would be with her forever.
I guess this is where I get really mixed up. I feel like he isn’t happy, but I could be totally wrong! He must be way into her. He chose her. She is calling the shots, and he is allowing it. He must not want to lose her. He puts her before his kids.
He can’t stand his dad for doing that to him. He always talked about that, and would say, “When I look at s, I don’t know how my dad could have done that. I would never do that.”
After all the information he gave me about his current life, why would he text me randomly and say, “How are you?” I really think he is afraid of losing me from his life. He is not close to his family at all. I’m it. I have been his rock for more than half of his life. But what, does he want to be friends? Please! I’d rather be friendless than be treated that way.
OK, I know, I know…. enough already. I’m a person who has to write things down to collect my thoughts. Otherwise, the scatter and mix and jumble inside my brain. So this really is helping me move on… even though I’m sort of stuck- this will help…
Next post… my GAL!
AJ, you are so right. I really appreciate it. I have been very supportive of their relationship with their dad and have encourage them to see him, even when they didn't want to. After the latest development, it has not been so easy, not that they have really wanted to. My s had caught h a few times in the fall in some questionable situations, so he has way more information that he should.
I do tell them that I want them to have a good r with their dad, and with time, it will come. However, the ow, well that is much more difficult for me. She disrespected them like no one ever will. She put herself before my kids and h allowed that. She did not care about them at all. Nor does she now- playing house with h and shes never even met my kids. Ugh. She is just out for herself and her own kids. She does not care about mine, and I hate the though of her playing nice with them when she is evil and has shown them no respect.
That, I think, is a lesson in itself for my kids. They are old enough to learn that there are some adults you can't trust. Now, going about this situation while still being the parent and guiding them properly, that's the toughest part.
Thanks, AJ, so much. I appreciate you wise words and support like you wouldn't believe!
Peace
I know, I seem obsessed over this...
Mighty,
This is perfectly normal for a really bizarre, abnormal situation.
The SHATTERED/STUCK feelings...again...NORMAL.
When my spouse told me he wanted out of our marriage, followed by his subsequent leaving and the news of the OW...I felt like he had taken my life and that of my kids and tossed it all into a garbage bag. Then, he shook it up violently and emptied it at my feet.
What you are experiencing is a bit like being chained to the back of your spouse's car and then dragged for miles on a rocky road. Look at it honestly and with compassion for yourself/your kids...for what you all are going through.
Trust the process. There is, believe it or not, a natural response to being abandoned...just as their is when someone dies. Don't fight it. Allow these feelings to surface and give yourself a lot of kindness and compassion right now. The way you treat yourself will be a model for your children.
Others have gone before you...despite the severity of your situation...we all know what's it's like to be rejected on such a profound level.
Be good to yourself right now. Acknowledge the depth of the wound. It's far, far too soon to expect yourself to do anything BUT obsess. Your mind is trying, desperately, to wrap around what has happened...the impossible. That's normal.
Much Love,
Heather
P.S. What you are feeling (and your children) is similar to what family members feel when someone commits suicide. Someone you trusted/loved/had created a life with...has CHOSEN to leave you and, not only leave you, but leave you with a HUGE mess to clean up...The feelings are very similar. Think of how you would console a friend who is dealing with the suicide of her husband. Treat yourself with that same kindness.
Heather, that is very true. It is very much like suicide when they pull the rug out. When they suddenly become somebody else that inflicts all kinds of pain.
But...
I have not made myself available to be on the receiving end. How long can he keep that hidden from her?
He has made indications that this is not what he wants. That it is “punishment.”
Part of what we come her for is to help make sense of what's going on and what happened. We will stick with it like a dog with a bone
That's one reason you're having trouble, Mighty. Another is that he hasn't let go of you or the family. He's straddling the fence (in his mind).
One of the things that made it hard for me was to realize that leaving was really something I had to do. Sure she left physically. Sure she lied, told me marriage was just a piece of paper, love wasn't enough, etc. But looking back I can see how she was straddling several fences at once. She still tries and that makes it that much more difficult. It used to make it difficult for me as well. The hardest part was getting her to stay gone. I'm still trying
One thing I do remember is that she made friends with people she claimed she didn't like. She told me daughter about one woman saying she didn't even like her. Neither did my daughter and neither do I. Guess what? They're still friends. Why? I dunno, but it always seemed like she was trying to live this second life with "temporary" people. As if being friendly with people she didn't like was a sort of punishment and a way to get what she was after without being too committed. The OM was the same way (husband now).
To an outsider, it's ridiculous. To an MLCr? Who knows why?
They do things so out of character and against what they said they would do, that it can make you crazy.
Believe me when I tell you, the OW? She is no prize. You are the prize and he doesn't want to let that go, but "needs" to walk his walk.
I know how personal it is. But try not to take it personally. It's not about you in the least.
At some point, you'll need to get off the crazy train. You may have to be the first to do so. It seems unfair since it is not what you wanted, but for your own sake, and the sake of your kids, you may need to.
Something to think about. He'll need a friend at some point. You may or may not be able to be that friend. But he won't make it easy for you to be gone for a long time, even if he realizes how much pain he has caused.
He's learning exactly what his father went through. And that may be what he needs to do for his life. Wish him well.
As for you, you'll experience all kinds of emotions. You'll think you're done, and you'll do it again. Don't worry, the lows come and go and after a while they are further apart in time, and easier to deal with. Eventually, it's a faded memory.
You hold the key to your freedom, Mighty. While you wait for that to materialize, be patient. It gets better. Much much better.
AJ
Heather- thank you. You make me feel better for allowing myself to feel these emotions. When I made my bed today, I noticed tear stains on ALL of my pillows. I can't wait for the day they are dry and gone. I know it will come...
AJ- Your response to me... well... that is the reason I decided, after months or reading, to finally post. Thank you. God bless you...
Mighty I am so glad you decided to post. There is no way to get through this a better person without sharing your story openly and honestly. Please vent here.
You are not crazy and what your h is doing to you and your kids is awful. It is a traumatic experience and you are less then a year into it.
It took me close to 2 years to be somewhat normal. Give yourself time and treat yourself nice.
Please look to find your kids the support they need whether through therapy, church or ala teen.
Of course your h pretended there wasn't another woman. He needed to gaslight you and act like it was about you and he is not a bad guy.
This is so script.
I asked my h a week or two after the bomb if this had anything to do with Jess, a 28 yr old woman he worked with. "Oh no of course not". I believed him.
Guess what, now they live together.
Go easy on yourself. This is so hard.
We are here for you
Thanks, BklynMom. I can't imagine how these guys live with these women and work with them, too. You'd think they'd get sick of them. It seems like it makes it more difficult for MLC's to get the space and time they need to really think and address things when they are always together, ya know?
I just noticed h's car next door. My bil lives there. We don't really talk. He's like the only person in the world I don't really get along with. I don't respect him. He is rude, treats his wife like crap, and treats my kids like crap. H really never talked to him either, even though he lived next door. H thought he was "ignorant", but now I guess they are buds!
I just hate seeing his car so close. It makes me freak out a little inside. And I wonder, is hww there too? OMG, I've never even seen her. AND I DONT WANT TO! The thought of them being together right next door, in my neighborhood, makes me so uncomfortable- even in my own house!
Mighty,
This journey isn't for the faint-hearted. The people on the MLC boards have really been through it. We have the type of stories that are difficult to relate to others because they sound so much like some trashy reality TV show.
In my experience, DB gives me one of my many arsenal of tools in handling this journey. There are other tools too. Michelle's DB techniques have given me guidance in dealing with my spouse...and other difficult people in difficult situations. I use the techniques on my kids and others in my life.
Other tools include books on abandonment, midlife crisis, books on spiritual journeys and soul-searching, etc...This will be the hardest journey you ever take.
The good news is...few people have the chance to switch things up mid-life. In some ways, your spouse's problems are giving you an "out" on the life you had. You can examine your life and choose what YOU want to keep and what YOU don't. YOU can determine what kind of partner you want in the future...maybe your spouse, maybe someone even better. The bottom line is...YOU CAN ALTER THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT.
This situation, as hard as it is, can be the very thing that forces you to deal with whatever baggage YOU have a human being and will give you the tools to live out the rest of your life in contentment. The future successful relationship you have with yourself and someone else will be a result of this journey...if you face it honestly and proactively.
But, the journey isn't an easy one. It's filled with pain and self-doubt and earth-shaking revelations...especially in the beginning. This passes. But, with all these feelings comes past feelings of rejections...past hurts. For some reason, when we deal with this grief in our marriage...the shattering of a dream...all of our other hurts come into the light. This gives us a unique opportunity to deal with them and put them to rest.
Be brave. Nothing we've been through will be wasted. Look for comfort in new areas and challenge yourself to rise above this situation.
The people on these boards have tons and tons of valuable information, guidance and suggestions to help you along. We've been where you are and have survived. We can help you get through the rough patches.
It might be helpful for you to google the Hero's Spouse. There is a section on the OW/OM. She calls them alienators. You will find the information under the Site and Article Map. It gives you an idea of who these people really are...very broken. A healthy, confident, well-balanced, centered individual does NOT interfere in someone else's marriage. Chances are that she is very needy and riddled with problems of her own. Otherwise, she wouldn't be interested in your H.
At this stage of the game, it was helpful for me to read about who this OW really was. No, she's not Angelina Jolie...she is probably a rather sad, pitiful human being who has latched onto a very broken man at the worst time in his life and is hanging on like a monkey in heat.
Begin to surround yourself with your own arsenal of information, support and love and you will get through whatever is ahead.
Thanks, Heather. You are so right and it is helpful to think about things from a different perspective. I have used db techniques for about 8 months now. I have learned a lot! At this point, I kind of don't know what the heck I'm doing. I still use them, like you said, they are helpful in every day way of life. It has definitely calmed me down. I am much less confrontational. Not that I was highly before, but I wasn't afraid to stick up for myself. Now, I don't know... I don't know if it's db techniques or I've just lost my spunk. Maybe a little of both.
I guess I'm finding some things little easier today. I saw pics of hww (ow). It didn't really bother me too much. She's ok looking. Very young. That's what he chose, and I just have to accept it. The weird thing is too, that I saw her x. I don't have fb, but someone showed me. He has all sorts of pictures of him and hww on his page, and he still has it marked that he's in a relationship. It does not look like they were married, but they bought a house together last spring and it sold in March. They only had it 10 months. Looks like she probably left him for my h. But, you gotta wonder, they had a 2 yr old and a house together, why didn't he marry her? Now she is in the same situation AGAIN! And only two years later. Maybe not marriage material?
I have been on HS website, but hadn't read the articles you directed me to. I read them last night. Very insightful. And really, it looks exactly what their situation is like. Pretty stereo-typical.
I guess the hardest part for my sitch is that I really don't have time on my side. It really can't play out where their r implodes. I mean, it probably will sometime, depending on how much they really want to put up with each other. But with a baby in just a few months, it's a whole new ball game. Wouldn't he really look like crap walking away from another family, particularly a newborn. And if he did, he'd be so broke! He have 2 families to pay support to, plus himself.
H did text me today about the papers I mailed him to fill out. He's kind of a jerk about it. This is what gets me so upset. He is so selfish and in his own world, that he is ignorant to the disaster he has left here. Part of all the stress we had the past couple years, I think, contributed to his mlc. But he left it all for me, and now that he is in fantasy land, he could care less that I'm doing it all alone.
OK, I know this is part of the process. But I have got to figure out how to not let him agitate me. Just getting a text from him sends me into another dimension. I did recognize today, though, that I cannot allow this to continue, and that I need to find a way not to let stupid things like that bother me. I just hate when he puts pressure on me. And why the heck does he continue to text. I have not responded until today. He wants to keep going back and forth on things, and things that are stupid and don't matter. I didn't even bother. But why does he want to do that. Is it because I have not responded for a couple weeks and he just wants to initiate any type of communication, or does he want to push my buttons?
Funny thing is, he got the paper work in the mail Friday. He was next door at bil yesterday. He did not text me until today at work. Boy, he really will not communicate AT ALL when he is outside of work. She must really be insecure.
Anyway, back to the text today: I simply told him I was doing the best I could with the situation I was in. It was funny because he said "that money is for renovations, not a dental bill" This was after I explained that the money for renovations (to relieve his guilt) from the sale of our rentals, was not nearly enough.
I haven't complained, but explained that there are many other expenses and thousands I've put into electrical, plumbers, etc. It's just funny that he is telling me where I need to spend the money that I got in our settlement. He, on the other hand, is free to do whatever he wants with his profits. He ran from all the debt here and was free and clear. What a pain in the a$$. I do feel like a prisoner to this house at this point.
I just cant wait to have this done so all that nonsense of communication is over. One more thing... he has not paid all the things he agreed to pay. It's not a ton of money, but its annoying. I'm torn. Part of me wants to just cut my losses. I feel like it may not even be worth addressing, because I know it will send him into a frenzy and I will be on the receiving end of crazy- which I am trying to remove from my life. Yet, another part of me feels its not right, and he did agree to it.
I don't know. BTW, I know some were concerned about my kids, as I am too. They are in c. They are active and busy and have a great support system of family and friends. They really are good kids, but it has been a lot of work the past few months trying to get through this. I am just trying to keep things as normal as I can for them, keep them busy, and continue to talk and laugh with them.
Thanks, guys, for your sound advice and support!
Peace
I will be on the receiving end of crazy
Perspective: what do you define as on the receiving end of crazy, exactly? His psychological abuse? His running away with a young girl he works with? Having a baby (it may not be his) with her? Leaving you and the kids the same way his father did?
What's your definition of being on the receiving end of his crazy?
At some point, you'll absorb the fact that it's not your doing. You could have been "perfect" (and probably were/are) for him. I'm not saying you are perfect - nobody is - but for him, likely. You didn't cause this. You can make it worse by pursuing, blaming, etc. But you can't make it worse by doing what you need to do for YOU. And for your kids. That's on him, you are just reacting to enforce your boundaries. What he does with that is his to deal with.
Make sense?
AJ
OK, as promised... the GAL list! Hold on to your seats, this is going to get very exciting!
laundry
mowing
dishes.... haha! OK, I kid!
Really, nothing too exciting. I was doing well during the June-ish time. Last couple weeks- not so much. But I'm a work in progress. OK, here it is, for real, nothing so fab, just my reality:
running
yoga (hot yoga- its so amazing!)
dinner with friends
movies with kids
made a couple new friends
bought day passes for me and kids to go rock climbing
taking care of myself more
cut my hair (don't know if that fits into gal, but 180?! It has always been quite long- I cut it above my shoulders)
Went on a trip with kids
Looking into taking another trip with kids
Working (I don't normally work during the summer, but it's kept my mind busy, as best as it can, and the money helps!)
I guess that's about it, other than some accomplishment I've done around the house on my own that I've been proud of. For example, opening the pool myself and hooking up the saltwater generator for it, hanging drywall in the bathroom (s helped hold some ceiling sheets), but I did all the rest myself, including carrying full sheets around the house, up the porch and upstairs myself. That was quite a task, since I'm only 5'1. My arms aren't that long to get it that high off the ground, but I found a system! There have been many tasks that I've accomplished which feel good to conquer.
Alright, so not really the edge of your seat, GAL, but as Heather has reminded me... I can make my life what I want it to be. So onward and upward!
Peace
AJ- Perfect sense.
You're the man.
You could have been "perfect" (and probably were/are) for him. I'm not saying you are perfect - nobody is - but for him, likely. You didn't cause this.
Yup, my MLC W has said ^^^^^. She thought it was all me, but now knows it is/was her all along.
All you can do is what AJ has said.
TSquared2,
How do you know your w now knows it was her all along? Did she tell you this or can you just tell?
She told me. And a bunch of other stuff.
It's over on my thread
Thanks, I'll check it out!
I saw h last night at d13 game. He sat on the other side. My mom and niece were there. H and my mom were very close. She has known him since he was 17 and has been like a mother to him. They have not seen each other since, probably, January.
H was only there about 30 minutes (he always comes late even though he gets out of work about 1.5 hrs before). He texted the whole time and was taking pictures and videos of d. D said it was weird and distracting, especially since he never does that. Maybe he was for hww since she hasn't met or seen d. It bothers me to think about hww even talking about my d like she has any interest. She's a pig. (OK- not showing the best of me...)
Anyway, h left before the game ended. Normally he would stay to at least say "hi" to d. But with a few minutes left, he bolted. I know it was bc he didn't want to have contact with my mom.
I was wondering while he was there if he'd stay to see d. I thought that if he did, he really didn't care that he is such an a$$, like maybe he believes that what he is doing is OK. But with him leaving, he just couldn't face my mom. Is he going to run from everything forever? I was glad he left, because everyone felt much better at his departure. How long will I feel that anxiety in his presence? I mean, I feel it all the time, but the increased level in his presence is insane. Just seeing him- my husband- who I can't talk to, because he's committed to someone else. Knowing that he's texting her and going home to her in their new home bothers me. Thinking that he is taking care of her while she is pregnant... yuck.
Even us not being together, you'd think that we would have a special connection, with me being the mother of his kids. But now it is nothing because he is sharing that with someone else.
If anything, I guess these things further me in letting go. It is just so hard. I didn't have the perfect childhood. I know no one does, but I've had some rough times. Even with that, I had no idea pain like this existed.
Question:
When a mlcr has shown (spoken of) regret over choices and actions, but continues to pursue and go deeper into the situation they are in (in the mlc state of mind), what are the chances of them changing the course?
Can a mlcr stay "stuck" in mlc because they are "stuck" in a situation, even if it's not the situation they want?
Mighty, I can relate to you so much. The anxiety you feel when in his presence. As much as we want our H's back we can't stand to be around them. I too never thought I would be here and feel such pain. Just yesterday I went out to lunch and saw a couple kiss hello and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My H no longer even SAYS hello or goodbye to me, just to our kids, yet I'm sure that's how he greets and parts with OW, with a kiss. I know they have sex but for me this stung more. This show of love and affection towards someone is something I haven't gotten from H in a long time. It just opened my eyes wider to my current situation. That my H's mind and heart are with someone else. Those are the things we need to use as fuel to detach. We either wallow in it or say to ourselves, and this is why I have to move on, away from the current situation. Let them stew in it figure it out and if we're there at the end of it great. And I have to say you really are being strong given the circumstances.
Mighty,
I want to admit I'm no expert. However, yes they can stay stuck. Expressing regret is one thing versus true remorse. I do think many people going thru a MLC regret their actions. I've known a couple and they are unhappy with their decisions. The 2 that I know, have not expressed true remorse or tried to make amends. They just deeply regret what they did and wish they could. *take it back*. However, fully owning your decisions and all that goes with them ? Some will eventually. Some can't. It's too much for them to deal with so they keep on.
Just my 2 cents.
Sarah, the same thing gets me- thinking about that type of affection. You are right- we need to use it to move on. I have to think about the fact that if he'd wanted it with me, he'd of given it to me. I don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. So I must move on. Maybe someday there will be someone who wants to give that to me (not that I'm looking).
GB, you are probably right. If the task of actually facing the destruction caused seems insurmountable, it probably won't happen.
I know my h has said he wouldn't have chosen this path if he knew where it were headed, but I don't think he sees any other option. He is in waaaaaaaay to deep. Which I think is so difficult for me, because I didn't know he was even on this particular path, let alone to the point of no return!
I just don't know how long he can continue on it without really snapping. He was so mixed up prior to this and had so many things to deal with, and was also grieving his nephew's sudden death. Now he has damaged the relationship with his children, which he does not know how to repair. And is not living the fantasy he wanted. He must really be into hww to stay in it. But! I've got to LET IT GO!
Mighty,
First, you are in a very challenging situation and were dealt a great deal in such a short time. BD is horrible for everyone, however your sitch breaks my heart.
My h used to make HORRIBLE comments about people who did what he is doing. He now says morals are overrated. I do think being pleasant and always taking the high road can help one manage and overcome a very challenging situation. Ultimately, you have to take care of Mighty and let your h deal with his issues. You can't fix him or his problems.
I have no idea if this will help. I am very logical. I've been referred to as having a very male brain (a few other ladies on here have to-Artsy comes to mind). Right after my h moved out, he was sick one day when he came to take kids to school. I offered him some medicine. I'm not sure if that was *pursuing* as I just saw it as what I would do for anyone. However, ever since that day I realized his issues aren't mine. He was having car woes. When we were a couple, I would have arranged to get it fixed and worried about him and the car. Now, I just think "geez, car issues sukk."I don't mean that to be cold or callous-it's just not my deal. I have my own issues:-). Once you realize that, it makes detaching so much easier.
In regards to OW, I've never really considered her anything other than desperate and pathetic. I loved my old h very much. We shared a very playful sense of humor and he always cheered me on. That man does not exist. What OW has right now is a very broken, depressed, married man who treats his children poorly. I will be cordial. I will protect myself and my children. However, I don't want to rescue that man. Just like your h, the only person who can truly help him is him.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. It truly is a terrible place to be. Although you will get stronger-stronger than you knew. And you will be a better person And that is a wonderful thing.
Hang in there:-)
That's what I tell myself. I know my self-worth and if he doesn't want to be with me, no problem. I will not beg, plead or grovel. Go have fun with the train wreck that is OW.. you will see her for what she is eventually (let's hope).
GB,
Thank you for taking time to post to me. I know it is so important to take the high road. It can be tough sometimes, but I have to say, db has helped me tremendously in this area. I know I spew garbage here, but it is really me getting it out. I know the sooner I do, the sooner I can move on. I don't know, maybe you are right, or you've got me thinking. Why is it worth ever giving it that energy?
I know my sitch seems confusing. Well.. that's because I'm so confused. I am dbing, but I guess that does not necessarily mean I'm standing. I know that seems like a contradiction, but I'm dbing for me. I don't know that I could be with my h again, even if he did want me (which I've seen no indication of- quite the contrary). But I do know I don't want him with her. She is garbage and I hate that she is now intertwined in my life. I hate that she will forever have some connection with my children, no matter what they decide it to be. She will always have a presence, even if a shadow in the back of their minds. It really ticks me off that their selfishness has put this permanent dent in their development.
I also know that people are here in hopes to reconnect their r with their s. I don't know what I want, and it really hurts my brain to think about it, so I don't. I am not in a place to make that decision, but I know I will, eventually. I am taking one day at a time, or one minute at a time and will see what the future holds. God is steering the boat at this time; I'm just trying to keep the paddles moving.
It is hard to say I don't want h part of my life. I do love him, and I just can't make that stop. This whole time I've actually felt for him. It's crazy, even when I found out his "double life" part of me felt for him. I know he is not happy with his life right now, and that he is confused. But why do I feel that? What is wrong with me? I don't know, but I guess because someone I love is so broken and there is nothing I can do about it. It is difficult even if he says he does not love me. I don't know how you just stop loving someone, but I wish I did. It would make this whole thing much easier.
So, there it is. I don't want this person who my h has become- but he does not want me either. However I don't want him to be with her either. It's so complicated. Obviously, I can't be with my "old" husband. So, where that leaves me... that is what we will find out. I guess that is silver lining. The world is my oyster. I can control only myself.. and I wouldn't want it to be any other way at this point. (Who would want to force someone to want to be with them?)
Again, I know this is a place to fix the r. I don't really don't see that happening. BUT- I do still feel like I am in a safe place here. People understand and don't judge. As I make my journey, my dear, understanding friends, who greeted me quickly and with open arms, will support, guide, and cheer me along the way. And for that- I am grateful!
Rest well and buckle up- we are all in for a ride of a lifetime. Let's make it the best!
Peace
Yes, Sarah- lets hope they see what it was they really had to have. I don't know why they had to leave the security of their family to be with the craziness of the ow... but it is what it is. I don't know why I want him to see her for who she really is so badly, and I guess her see him that way too. Whatever...
Anyway, I had a much better day today. I don't know why, but I will take it! And, with the kick in the pants from AJ, I got the strength to send h a list of things ($) he owes from our agreement. I really hesitated, as I wanted to dodge the wrath that would ensue... Well, I sent it last night.
I did hear back from h today (while at work, of course). And he was not receptive. I got the "Are you kidding me???????" And crying about how little he has now. Seriously?! This was his choice. He is in a 2 income home now. He has a house, which is way more expensive than mine, and new Cadillac, new PS4 (to lure my son), went on vacation with ow, trying to plan a trip with kids.... whatever. Cry me a river. This was all his choice. If he wants to play the "Who Got Screwed Over More" game, I win! If he wants to play the "Who Got Screwed" game, well... that would be the pregnant hww and him. I just need to take care of my kids, and that is my priority- even if he does not see that. He just does not want to be bothered by anything in his fancy new life.
On a good note: I planned a last minute trip! I am driving 6.5 hours tomorrow to take s17 and his friend to a concert. They have been wanting to go. D and I will hang out and find something to do while they are there. I love road trips. I'm looking forward to a fun time and hanging out with the kids!
Peace
Hi Mighty,
This forum isn't just about repairing your M. In fact it's mostly about YOU. There are very few who don't question if they can ever take back the WAS, many more that would NEVER want them back. Your sitch is a hard one. The trying to have another baby and not being able and then he gets another woman pregnant...very hard thing to deal with. I wonder if he even IS the father at this point. If I were him, I'd really make sure to get a DNA test!
2 months before B-day my W talked me into getting a vasectomy. I didn't want to but she told me that it would make her feel better as she was so afraid that she may get preg. "by mistake" (even though our sex life was almost non-existent). Before the Dr would do it we had to fill out forms stating that neither of us were thinking at all about separation or D. My W said she would never leave or want a D. 12 weeks later when we got the all clear from Dr. she tells me she wants a D and has no plans to even try to "fix" things! When I brought that up she said that she can't help that she "changed her mind"! M 20 years and in 12 weeks she went from NEVER get a D to it being the ONLY answer. Now, if I meet someone who wants a family what am I supposed to do? I never would have gotten it if I thought she would ever leave. You just can't trust MLCers to be honest about anything, not even things that can't be undone.
You are early in this process, Mighty. Your confusion and pain is natural. We all miss our old S's, the ones we loved totally for so long. They are gone forever and whether or not the person we loved can ever reintegrate and maybe come back into our lives is something we have no control over. Either way it will be a long time until your H is even close to being there. By the time he is, whether or not you care is totally up to you. I still love and care about my W. It isn't 'normal" to turn off 20 years of love in a heartbeat or say ILYBINILWY. To blame the person who cared about them the most in this world for every bad thing or bad feeling they had or have. Would I take her back if she said she wanted to try? I'm not sure as I know enough about MLC now to know she isn't near ready yet. Will I if she does down the road? I don't know. It depends on so many things.
I get the anger, the pain, the disbelief, all of us here do. We've been there as well. You will make it Mighty. You can and will use this to become a better person than you ever thought possible. Good luck and post often!
Awwww.... thanks, Matt! Thanks for stopping over, too. Yeah, if he doesn't get a DNA test, he's crazier than I thought! I've been reading some of your sitch, too. It's a tough road they put us on. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right?!
That's so unfortunate, the situation your w put you in with the vasectomy. Man, I just don't get it. And really, they probably don't either! It's for them to figure out, anyway.
I read this recently and I really like it (not sure the source):
God wrecks your plans when he sees your plans are going to wreck you.
Well, keep your head up, Matt. I look forward to seeing you continue to climb the mountain and reach the summit. I will be somewhere making my journey, too. We will get stronger the further we climb.
Peace
Greetings! I got back awhile ago from road trip with kids. We had a great time. S17 and his friend had the best time at the concert. It was a 5 hour show. D13 and I went shopping (even though I am not much of a shopper, I have found that D13 and I have a lot of fun doing it. It is becoming a new experience for me) and had all sorts of fun. We all laughed, played music loudly, sang, danced, laughed more and had a great time. It was so great seeing s really just relax and have fun. S and D got along so well (they have become quite close the past couple months- have shared many things together and, as both teenagers now, have found more to bond about.), and less arguing- yahoo!! This morning, we took our time, relaxed, and went to eat before hitting the road. It was really nice to call the shots. I am much more laid back than h. I have lived many years on his schedule and feeling his anxiety. He was always in a rush to get nowhere. Anyway, I really did enjoy that. It is a different experience to really be aware of the choices I can make. Sometimes I find that I feel the rush and anxiety of h, just because I knew it was coming and would be "pushed" on me. Well, that does take a toll and becomes almost ingrained. I have to retrain myself for my own wants and needs.
Soooo..... it was a great time. I am so glad we went. The kids were too.
I did think often of h. I do miss him. The last text I got from him was, "Leave me alone." I have been nc with him, but I did contact him in regards to the things he still owes as per our agreement. He was not receptive, told me I was greedy (so laughable) and to leave him alone. Obviously, it's not that that I miss. And as far a leaving him alone, it came across as very juvenile. It seems like he just wants to be left alone from life? Who knows, but he does not want to be bothered with responsibility, that's for sure. And in the past month, that is the only time I have had any contact with him. He, on the other hand, has reached out to me a couple of time (I haven't responded). I wonder how he feels when I don't respond, or even wonder why he is reaching out. I know this should not be my focus, but it does enter my mind.
It was a little disheartening that I didn't have anyone to communicate with or even care that I was traveling. There was not a call/text to tell anyone we got there safely. No one texted to check in. I got home to an empty house and no one to tell that we arrived home from our trip or to tell about it to. That part stings a little. I have never known otherwise. I have been with h since hs. I went from my mom's house to living with h. It was bitter-sweet. I am getting stronger every day. I am laughing more and enjoying things more. But the shadow of my h is always there. Everything reminds me of him-everything. I have waves of sadness hit me out of nowhere. But, like I said, I am finding new things that I am enjoying in life and about myself.
I am way more relaxed- and that is my personality. I am so glad about that. I'm making strides. I know there will be downfalls and more obstacles, but each step feels good.
AND!!!!!!!! I've hired a contractor to finish the upstairs bathroom! It should be done in about a week. I am so over it! It has been incomplete for two years, and I have been trying to chip away at it this summer. These jobs have been overwhelming and I feel like a prisoner to them. I know when they are done, it will be a HUGE relief!
Take care. I hope everyone is well and making improvements, too.
This journey is not easy, but it will be fruitful!
Peace
He, on the other hand, has reached out to me a couple of time (I haven't responded). I wonder how he feels when I don't respond, or even wonder why he is reaching out. I know this should not be my focus, but it does enter my mind.
These are likely 'touch and goes' The idea is that they are like a toddler in the next room having a tantrum but wanting to be reassured that 'mom' is still there and paying attention.
'Leave me alone' is soooooo childish and dramatic. Actually it is the last thing he probably really wants: they often want to be pursued so they can reject.
I was called a princes!
Meh, he got no reply. Meh, life is ok and sooooooooooo much less stressful without them I very sad to say.
Mighty,
I'm so sorry you are in this tough sitch. I can relate with you though...my H and I are hs sweethearts also. No matter what you do, where you go, something reminds you of them.
I'm new on this roller coaster ride too, but if we can all hang on together we will be better at the end. Keep focusing on you and the kids...glad you guys had a good trip! (BTW you have all of us to talk about your wonderful trips, I know not the same, but we are all here for you)
Ggrass- yes, don't reply! It totally helps make you stronger and makes you feel so much better! It is part of taking back your power. Of course they want you to engage in their craziness. Don't get sucked in. It helps separate you from their weirdo mentality and the crazy-train they are riding (I don't think they are in control of their own crazy train).
Atsbaby- thanks for the support. Yes, it was nice to be able to come on here and share my trip. It is a safe zone. Thank goodness for good people like you and others here to take interest. Yes, we will hang on together and cheer each others' successes. I'm sorry you are having hard times, too. Keep your head up! We will do this with a great attitude to make the journey worth the trip.
These are likely 'touch and goes' The idea is that they are like a toddler in the next room having a tantrum but wanting to be reassured that 'mom' is still there and paying attention.
'Leave me alone' is soooooo childish and dramatic. Actually it is the last thing he probably really wants: they often want to be pursued so they can reject.
[/quote]
Beatrice- I was thinking that it could possibly be 'touch and goes' but isn't it weird that he would still want to see where I am, considering the sitch he is in? I realize that I am really the only family he has, but he has made a new one with her family. I am really confused by this. I feel like maybe he wants me to be like a family support but be in a r with hww. That's just crazy. Yet, this is mind-reading. Insert 2x4 here!
Also, I was reading on another thread not to show jealousy about mlc's new life. I definitely don't, nor am I one bit jealous. I wonder though if h is jealous of his past. What I mean is, when I said something, awhile back, in regards to dealing with the disaster he left and that it has been difficult, he was so ignorant about it. I think denial is a major coping mechanism for him, but his response was something to the effect of, *what kind of difficulties could you possibly have?!* It made me think he felt he was the one with all the stress (ummmm... yeah- this was before I knew about hww & baby-on-the-way). He did walk away from all the 'stress' but did not realize it would follow and create more. From his perspective, I have it easy.
I had some other thoughts about this.... but I got sidetracked and forgot. Maybe later it will come back... or it will just pass like the night sky....
From How to Survive the Loss of a Love:
To give you up.
God!
What bell of freedom
that rings within me.
No more waiting for
letters
phone calls
postcards
that never came.
No more creative energy
wasted
in letters never mailed.
And, after awhile,
No more insomnia,
No more insanity.
Some more happiness,
some more life.
All it took was giving you up.
And that took quite a bit.
Greetings!
What a mix of emotions this journey really is. Seriously, this takes years? I know I am set up with a very long road, no matter what happens. I do think h's mlc started at least a year ago, maybe denial 2 yrs ago... I'm not entirely sure. I do know one year, at least. I think ow has probably been around 1 year, maybe more??
They did car pool a couple years back, but not for long (I also just put together this is her). I was uncomfortable with it and how it went down. H moved to a different job, many people switched from one company to another. H, in management, brought people over after he started. I recently found out she switched too. Not sure if h had a hand in that- but probably. I think she may have worked for him- not sure. He switched positions in January- he works independently, with no one under him now. That's different for him, and I wonder if she is the reason. Her house went up for sale (with her other baby-daddy) the week after he got his promotion (independent position and a nice raise)- probably not a coincidence. Not awesome. Not at all. I guess with them living together and working together their r will become very difficult to get out of, not that they want to. I just guess they will become very intertwined. So quickly we unraveled- how quickly she got him wrapped....
I guess I'm doing better. It is good when I work. I am just having some major transition issues. I am so lost. Nothing in my life remains the same. I am very lonely. Night time is really bad. I hate it. I don't sleep; my mind races. I have to figure that part out. It's pretty bad.
Again, nothing remains the same. My job is changing, my house is changing. I have lost my husband and best friend. My kids have had a major transition themselves the past year. Not just dealing with family changes, but they are getting older. S17 is involved with football and works, going to be a senior, hanging with friends. Has drivers license, so independent that way. D13 is involved with TONS of stuff. She is an amazing athlete and is recruited to all sorts of sports teams. As a 7th grader, she made jv sports, so she is busy playing high school sports, which is a big commitment, (both kids have been playing all summer) along with dancing, and other activities. She is also very social. She has tons of friends and is invited to do things daily.
So suddenly, I am alone. My kids have grown, what seems, overnight. We did everything as a family. We hung out all the time and we were very close. People (including my kids' friends) would say, you guys are always laughing. They would say even when they called the house, they would hear us laughing in the background.
I thought it would be time for h and I. We had kids young, we are finally at a point where we had money in the bank and could enjoy things/each other/life. Hmmmmm... well I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I know, its my time to figure out me and what I want in life. I am just struggling with this.
When my kids were little, I went to college. I worked full-time, went to college full-time, and had two little kids (4 & 1 when I started). I made it all the way through grad school, earning my masters degree a few years ago. I worked two jobs for a couple years after that. During this is also when we bought rental properties, flipped, rented, and maintained them. My h and I did all the work together, just the two of us (with our kids in tow). We always worked really hard and we were always a team. Last summer after the crazy year we had, I just wanted to slow down and enjoy everything we worked towards. We finally got there. Time to enjoy our lives. It was too late. He had moved on to bigger and better things. He told me last August after drinking (anytime he drank last year, he would become very angry- it was something I noticed, but didn't understand where it was coming from), at about 4am, "I can do much better than you. TRRRRRRUUUUUUSSSSSSSTTTTT MMMMMMEEEEE, MMMUUUUUUUUUUUCH BEEETTTEEEEERRRRRR." I was so hurt, but I just went to sleep. It was not good addressing at the time. The next day when I brought it up, he apologized and said he didn't mean it. Well, I guess now we know who the "much better" is.
That's pretty much the ins and outs for today, I guess. I am a lost soul. I have to remind myself that this is a journey and that I won't have the answers right away. I don't even just mean with h. I mean with me. What do I want? Well, I don't know, for sure. I do know I want happiness and peace. I want my children to thrive. The things I worked towards that I thought would be at this point in my life, aren't where I expected. OK, so that's is just what I have to accept. I will, with time. Things change.
I just wish it didn't hurt so much. And I'm not a big baby. I am not trying to throw a pity-party. I don't like that. I am just sad. I am lonely. I will get better, with time. I just wish it would get a move-on! I am aware that I am the one who holds the key. My choices and actions will get me there- I just don't know how at this point. That's the GAL, right? I don't always have that energy. With time....
I am just sad. I am lonely. I will get better, with time.
Yes, you will - you'll get MUCH better. You just haven't had much time to process this whole nightmare.
Some suggestions for you:
1) You're not ready to date yet, but find some Meetup group to attend, doing something fun that you like. You need to get out with other adults, this can be a good way to meet people.
2) Think of something you've always wanted to learn or do, and start pursuing it. It'll take the focus off of your ex and it will be fun! I could not be sad about my divorce when I was drumming "Highway to Hell".
3) Call your divorce attorney if ex is not living up to the terms of the agreement. Don't let him get away with any financial shenanigans.
4) Start a yoga, meditation or Tai Chi class to calm your stressed body so you can sleep.
There is light on the other side - a year from now, you'll be amazed at how good your life may be. Dream big dreams!
You crack me up. I love that you were drumming your way through your divorce.
I did, however, refrain from taking one friend's advice - she thought I should past ex's photo to the drum heads lol.
Fun things to do now that you are single and have time
1. Buy a guitar
2. go to yoga class
3. try other group exercise classes - spin or zumba
4. Meet up group for a new hobby like hiking or sewing or craft making. I love the craft of Julie Balzar
5. Try Alanon - I highly recommend as a great place in your area to meet people whose lives aren't perfect. Initially I felt such a barrier with other moms at pick up or at school events. At alanon I met moms in my hood I didnt know or moms I knew already but who were in a place where they werent pretending that life was perfect.
6. Volunteer - either at church or through a hospital
7. Maybe you have always wanted to act or sing, heres your chance to do community theater
I know how lonely and overwhelming it feels to have lost so much. I don't think the loss of your family is trite, its a huge loss - that you will need to grieve.
I also know that you are a very fortunate person with two great and healthy kids, and a roof over your head. You need to remind yourself of that because you never know what else you can loss in the blink of an eye.
Be grateful that you are allowing yourself to expereince the pain and you are not burying it. I think I just cried at my first 15 or so therapy sessions and my shrink never told me to buck up or toughen up or to stop crying. Then one day, on my own I wasnt crying.
My xH had a very similar relationship with his girlfriend in that they worked together for sometime and were just friends. She in fact gave us a baby gift when our second daughter was born.
I always thought he had a little crush on her - but I was never jealous or worried. I know my xH denied his feelings so deeply that eventually it came out in a bomb.
I think its normal to have crushes on other people even when you are married. I had a couple of small crushes myself - I think the differences is that I acknowledged to myself that I was having those feels and I knew myself well enough to know that I valued my H more then the whimsy I was feeling.
Thanks BM,
Those are all great recommendations. I did start yoga a couple weeks ago. I love it. I did go to Alateen as a kid (Alanon for kids). I have the Alanon book now that I do read. It is helpful and the daily reminders are actually supportive of db. I am excited to get some reno's underway. It will help relieve some stress and energy, so I can focus on other things. I always like renovating and doing that kind of manual labor (I know, not always typical...), but this has been a nightmare- for MANY reasons. Now it just stinks finishing it alone. But it will be good when it's done!!
*********************************
I had a pretty good day today. I had ic. It's weird because I told her I really don't know what I am feeling now. I am just so out-of-touch with my emotions. I really don't know how I feel. It is the weirdest thing. Heavy, if I were to come up with a word. She gave me some good things to think about. She has always encouraged me along and thinks I have been doing a remarkable job (db got me through the majority of the months- not sure abouy the last month, and I haven't been the best the last month either). But I'm looking up. I've got to!
OK, so, I was feeling OK. Better than the past couple days. I felt I looked good, my spirit was a little up, and I had a good session with ic. My daughter had a bball game right after. Of course, you know who was there. Mr. Wonderful. This time, my anxiety level did not raise quite as high. When d and I were leaving, he came up behind and poked her and walked out with her. I will not say *us* because he really stayed about a step behind me. Poor d was right in the middle the whole way to the parking lot. I didn't say a word, nor did I even look in his direction. I did see though that the second he stepped one foot away from d, he was already on his phone texting the whole way to his car. Ugh, that is so weird to see my husband texting another woman whom he is in a r with. WTH! I NEVER thought I would see that. SO WEIRD! I don't like it. Nope, I don't!
We drove towards our home (we were in another town). H went a different way. When we started coming into our town, he ended up right behind me for a few miles. He finally turned off into the wine store. That turned my stomach a little, as I would always have him go there to get me some. Now, to see him go there to get some for his house, just something we would do together. I know, lame, but it still stung a little. However, he can't have a glass with hww. I wonder if he thinks about me when he has one, bc it would be very common-place for us to have a glass together at the end of the night. That was kind-of our thing. We would sit together and have coffee in the morning and wine in the evening. Just the two of us. We would talk and share things. I miss that a lot. The two chairs (a set inside and a set outside) still sit side-by-side, vacant and sad. So, I wonder, when he has a glass of wine at the end of the day, if he thinks about me. YIKES! I know, I know- knock it off, right?!
Back to my GOOD, or OK day! Well, anyhow, I felt like I was looking pretty good. I walked with confidence. I felt better. I am sure h didn't notice any of these things, but I can pretend. D even complimented me later that I looked pretty. Not normal for my d13 to take notice in her mom!
Oh yeah! I planned another road trip! I will be traveling 5 hours to take d and niece14 to see One Direction. I am NOT a fan- at all. However, d is so excited and I am glad I can do this for her. I am sure both of my kids will remember that they traveled for hours to see their favorite musician. S is still so grateful for his trip last week, and now d will not stop talking about how excited she is. Oh, to be 13 again!
So those are the nuts and bolts for today. Carry on...
Peace
Mighty,
Glad you had a good day. I'm with your D. I am jealous that you are going to see One Direction. I. Love. Them. Too. Their music is so gosh darn infectious :-)
Keep doing the good stuff. It gets easier!
I always like renovating and doing that kind of manual labor (I know, not always typical...), but this has been a nightmare- for MANY reasons. Now it just stinks finishing it alone. But it will be good when it's done!!
I now really doing stuff like renovating on my own. Friends sometimes come over and give me a hand with the heavy stuff, but I go my own pace, and do it my way.
You are still (understandably) emotionally bound up with your h. I think the traumatic way they left us and moved on actually stops our normal emotional responses for a while, and puts a whole lot of panic modes into our brain.
Anyway, this feeling does go away, but not as fast as we would like. It really is a case of faking it until you make it. And that can be hard work, but so rewarding, because you start to interact with others in a positive way.
I would never tell anyone to give up hope that these guys will one day work through it, but the advice to live your life as if they are gone for good is helpful. Even those who return, with rare exceptions, do not do so in a matter of months. We have to heal and become our own person again.
Mighty,
I'm going to One D too!!! Same deal...driving a ridiculous amount of time with three giggly preteens in the car.
And...
I am jealous that you are going to see One Direction. I. Love. Them. Too.
GB, ME TOO!!! Harry is my fav...well, maybe Niall. But, Harry had me when he tweeted on his B'day..."Just sitting round bein 20."
I love to watch D11 turn beet red when I discuss how Harry will probs see me in the audience and want to go on a date. Jus sayin.
bea, thanks. Yes, they surly leave us high and dry! Yeowza... I really don't know how I feel. "Emotional shock", yup, probably.
What the heck comes when that wears off? Alas, the journey of a lbs....
Heather, 8/16 is when I will be going. You?
GB, wish I could take you with me!
GB, YOU want me to put your phone number on a sign? Which one floats your boat?
Oh my gosh.... I was going to go the 17th, but I booked 16th on accident. D wanted 16th, so I didn't switch. Awwww man.......
GB, I can have d send you video.... I'm sure she will be taking plenty!
Actually, how ahead of the curve was I? My 2 sons have 2 of the same names. I style their hair the same:-). I really like to work out and sing to their songs.
Things that make you go hmmmmmmm......
I called the fertility dr today that h and I saw after v reversal. I spoke with the nurse and explained a little of the sitch. She read his last analysis and said that it showed ZERO sperm. She said that "anything can happen," but its "highly unlikely" for him to get someone pregnant.
hmmmmm............
So, do you think he is lying to you, or his gf got him fooled? How long ago he had his analysis done?
No, she's def preg (I think about 5 months). I just don't know. It is either his or at least she has him convinced it is. So crazy. She sold her house with her xbf right around the time she got preg. But I really have NO IDEA about their sitch. I don't know if they were living in it then or what. But they had just bought (she and her xbf) the house 7 months before it went on the market. It's so crazy and I have no idea. The analysis was from about 1.5 yrs ago.
HMMMM...the plot thickens.
As the nurse said - anything is possible! Sounds like there is a good chance that it could be xbf's child. Many people go on having sex even if they are splitting up (as we know from these boards)
But do not be the one to point it out. Your h clearly wants to be going around fathering children in his present state of mind - sign of youth and virility right? In fact I think your saying anything is more likely to cause him not to consider the real possibilities. Say nothing and he might work it out himself, eventually.
Or suggest to a friend or family member that THEY bring it up to him. He may be mad, but someone needs to plant that seed in his brain.
Hey, remember Michael Douglas? He was always getting Katherine Z pregs and bragging about it and how "virile" he was! Funny how now they are Splitsville!
Mighty, thanks for posting on my thread again. You give so much support to everybody while being in such a difficult situation. I cannot even imagine the feelings you are experiencing knowing about ow and her pregnancy. You are a strong woman.
I’ve been reading you thread for a while, and I cannot figure your H out. Moving in with a young woman who has a child, producing another child (not even known if it is his.) He is starting his life over pretty much. If there is an awakening one day, it is going to be awful for him. It seems like both of them kind of acted on impulse, everything was so quick. It is going to be a hard crush.
Stay strong. I’m sending you some good vibes in return to yours.
Thanks Bright!!!
Whew! What a day! Well first, I just went out for a little bit, which was so good. It was nice to get out and be around friends. I didn't stay late bc my friend is traveling tomorrow morning and my son was our driver. So funny, we had fun.
First, I talked to hww's x! Yeo-za! It was very interesting. Lots discussed, maybe I will post later. I don't have the emotional capacity to get into right now. However, he has not been with her for awhile and, according to him, there is no way that is his baby. He was not even really aware that she was preg. He guessed bc he saw her mom on fb holding a baby girl's outfit this week stating how excited she was. What a way for him to find out, huh? I just want to tell her, well it's really NOT so exciting for everyone since he's married with children. And "daddy's" kids would be sick to see that! So, there it is... he's having a little girl. PUKE! I wonder if they will raise a little home-wrecker? or if they will tell her she was conceived while "daddy" was married to someone else. OK, I know, not nice. It so CCCCRRRRRRRAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYYYYY!!! And to think, when I first started reading these boards, I thought, "Geez, my sitch isn't that bad." Now I'm the drama series of the site! What a mess.
So, I guess it's my h's baby. I guess he fits into the "anything can happen" group. Karma? Hww's x told me she had miscarriage last June (with him) and that she wanted a baby so badly. I wonder if that was their "plan." When h told kids it wasn't true he had a v, I thought it was so bizarre. Maybe, she said she wanted one, and he said OK (not telling her about v sitch), thinking he really wouldn't get her preg, but mislead, only to backfire. OK-mindreading!
But, I did find out he did go on vacation with her in May. A week long cruise, and her family may have gone too. But it was def with her and her son (yet she didn't want him to take a trip in feb this his wife and HIS KIDS!)
OMG, what world is he living in? He's not on another planet; he's in another universe!
Hww's xbf gave impression that nothing was ever good enough. Nice car, house, etc, but never enough, including another baby. Well....... it sounds like she just wanted the fantasy, and boy, they are in for it. Both selfish, wanting this dream... reality should set in, right? I mean, how long can two selfish people survive? Even with a baby.... maybe it is just survival at this point. Although, maybe two shallow people will be as happy as they ever will be in a situation like this.
I feel so detached at this point. I have compartmentalized the situation. I don't know this person; my h is long gone. The life he is living is nothing I want anything to do with.
It's funny because it seems like often, strong girls get into r's with controlling men. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but girls who don't take crap from people, tend to take lots of crap from their man. Well, that was me. I have been afraid to totally gal or detach bc I have felt the "iron fist."
I have released that. I no longer care what he says. I can talk to whomever I please. He got someone pregnant while married to me. A girl walked around for 4 months, carrying my husbands baby, when I didn't even know she existed.
OMG, you guys... I smashed the screen on my iphone tonight. Seriously... it stinks! its only a couple months old. UGH! I don't like it!
AJ.... where are you?????? Have you given up on me???????????
Hey Mighty,
I'm here. Take a deep breath. You received a lot of info today.
What can you do for yourself tonight to take care of yourself?
Your h clearly wants to be going around fathering children in his present state of mind - sign of youth and virility right?
I don't know, bea, Our relationship/communication is pretty much non-existent since 2nd bd. My impression is that he is not thrilled with the idea. He seems to be going along because he does not know what else to do. I could be completely wrong. I just don't see it. Other's don't either. He really didn't want more kids. My impression is that he is walking the walk right now. I think he is walking the plank. I'm so serious when I ask this: can that last forever?
Hi Heather. I'm ok. Reeling.... Thanks for reaching out. I am not sure about tonight.... I'm in bed, but WIDE AWAKE! Yup, literally and Katy Perry style. I don't know what to do. I feel bad for hww's x, too. They are really sooooooo selfish. They will probably eat each other alive.
I am so bummed about my phone....
Maybe if the hww was that desperate to get pregnant, she got knocked up by random guy and convinced your H that it's his...older guy who seems to have it together (in her eyes). Hopefully he'll get a paternity test.
Sorry about the phone, that really stinks!
And thanks for all the support you're giving me. We will all be such strong women that our H will hit themselves with 2x4s for their stupid behaviors....only a fool would walk away!
Thanks, Ats. At this point, I just feel bad for my kids. I hate that they will be forever connected to his crazy $h!t. What an emotional roller coaster for them. These two "parents" never thought for a second about the damage they are causing these kids. They think bc they are older it's no big deal or something? Damn, they are the ones who know better and can see what's going on. They are the most affected. H & hww are idiots. Who buys a house with someone when they haven't had kids meet SO. OMG, I would NEVER move in with a man and he has not met my kids. That is crazy. And put his kids in bedrooms with the intent to put mine in the basement.... someday. WHAT?!
I agree, could be she got knocked up by some other random guy. Or could even be pseudocyesis ( false pregnancy). Frankly I think either possibility is just as likely as a late success of his reversal.
He sure has got himself into a pickle, but nothing you can do about it. Move on, sistah! Enjoy not walking on eggshells in your own home.
Hi Mighty,
Try and relax, I know it must be hard. I have a question, was your H the kind of guy who would just allow himself to be lead by a woman? I mean before the MLC. My W is now trying to erase the past 25 years like they never happened. She is even changing her name back to her maiden name which I could see if she wasn't almost 50 and been married for 21 years and has 2 kids that will now have a different last name then their mother. The only reason she would do this is because she wants to just totally erase our entire M. Like it never happened. She threw away all her cards, letters, pictures of us. Doesn't want her wedding dress or her wedding photos (She treated that dress like gold for years!) told me I could just get rid of the videos of our wedding. She is convinced that her pain can be cured by running away from me, her M and her old life. She has 2 kids, my W was always closer to D19 than our other D14. Now, she has just stopped caring and acts like since she grad. HS 2 months ago and is over 18, she has zero responsibility towards her. It doesn't help that she is closer to me now and told her mom she would live with me if she left. She hardly interacts with D14 and only seems to want split custody because she doesn't want to pay child support and doesn't want people thinking badly of her if she doesn't get custody.
It seems like she has decided that to stop the pain she is feeling she must totally end her old life. Start over, try again. Hopefully your H isn't doing this but there isn't much either of us can do. Remember that DBing is for YOU, not to get your H back but to help you be the best person you can be, with or without your H in your life. Stay strong, when I start to get weak I remember that my kids need me know more than ever before in their lives. That they can no longer count on my W so I have to be strong for them. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this and you didn't break your H. He needs to find his way back out of the tunnel. Whether he destroys his old life totally or not is up to him. Don't let him take you with him!
Mighty . I am confused. If it isn't tmi why did he have a difficult and complex v reversal if he doesn't want any kids?
Hey guys... you are the best. Thanks for being there with me. I got my phone fixed this morning!!!! Woooooo hoooooooooo!!!! $136 later and I am back in business. Darn phones.
Ats (I got your back, girl!) and KML- I don't know. This is where my head is going to explode. After the news from the nurse and xbf, I don't know what to make of the sitch. This has to be and will be my biggest difficulty in releasing. It is just so difficult because this will forever affect my kids. The thought of my poor d. She has been his only d, and to think she already feels replaced, and now to feel that she is being replaced with a new d. I guess I am leaning towards it being h's bc they were in what seems the infatuation part of the r. That's when h really started to detach and disappear. So it is obvious he was with her. And, she really is preg and showing now. She was preg in 9 months with two different men (miscarriage last yr), and one of them married. That is so gross.
But she comes across to others as this sweet, beautiful girl who is a great mom. OMG, will people really see the truth?
Matt- no, h does not like to be controlled by anyone. He has been on his own, pretty much, since about 14. The military was a very difficult adjustment for him. But, he is such a different person now. I can tell she has been calling the shots. He is so mixed up and waaaaaaay in over his head. He really does not have anywhere to go. He does not have a supportive or with-it family to rely on. He has caused so much destruction within his own family, he does not even know where to begin to repair anything. It is like he has no other choice (in his mind) and this girl knows what she wants. If he were to leave- he would have NOTHING, including money (if it's his kid- which he is convinced of). So, yeah, I think at this point, he is being controlled by another woman (or girl, I should say).
Bea- I know... I'm confused too! I really pushed for v rev. He would go back and forth, he thought it would be good, but then was very hesitant about going back to that, since our kids were older. Keep in mind, this was a couple years ago now. I wondered last year if that was one of my mistakes in the r- pressuring for that. When we were told that we couldn't he seemed relieved. I was upset for a little bit, but I became OK with it, and was ready for the next chapter of our lives. I began to look forward to the things we could now do. We had $ in the bank, our kids were becoming more dependent, and we were still pretty young, since we had kids so early on. I just never really shared that w h. I know that having a baby was not part of his plan. I don't know that he had a plan, but living in sheer emotion and on an impulsive rush. But, she knew what she wanted.... I really don't think he is thrilled about this baby. But his is playing the role with her. When I asked him if he would stay with her if the baby was not his, he answered with the most confidence I've heard in him, "No."
How sad that a man who already has a W and kids thinks he's doing the "right" thing by staying with a woman ONLY because she got knocked up! If he was so confident that if she wasn't "with his child", he wouldn't stay, he shouldn't! Very few M's where the only reason for the M is because of her being preg. work out in the end. And very few happen when the man is your H's age AND ALREADY M! So what's he going to call it, a "shotgun D". Your H has got himself all turned around. For him doing the "right" thing by OW is doing the most awful thing to his W and kids! I swear I wish we could just shake these MLCers and get them to see that doing something horrible and immoral, you will never be "happy" in the end!
My W has told me that after her father abandoned her, her brother and mom, her biggest fear was he would have more kids with OW and totally forget about her and her B. Turned out OW had a health problem and couldn't have kids. She just was so afraid that he would just raise a new family, forget his old and just go on forever without looking back. Of course that is exactly what she is doing just minus the new kids but who knows, she could still have another as she is "only" 47 and still fertile! One thing that is common here is that the MLCer ends up doing exactly what they have always said they would NEVER do. Almost like they want to become as different a person as possible!
Your kids are really going to need you, Mighty! You will need to stay strong and be the stable force in their life as what your H is doing is going to hurt, a lot! God bless you, Mighty. I'm praying for you and your family!
Thank you soooo much, Matt. It really is eye opening what your wife told you about her greatest fear is him having another family. It really shows how much my kids are hurting, because hearing that from someone who was abandoned they way mine were.
Luckily I have a WONDERFUL relationship with my kids. We are so close, and we all have the same sense of humor. We laugh all the time. They know I would never do anything to hurt them and they can count on me for anything. I just have to make sure I am really giving them everything they need. If anyone has any resources for me on this, please pass along. I know it will be a bumpy road for them- and it's my son's senior year.
I know, Matt, you have been a strong and constant force for your kids. That is so important. It is wonderful for your girls to see how a man and father should be. I worry about that with my d. Thank you so much for your input, Matt.
BTW, Matt. "shotgun D" is hilarious!... in some twisted way...
^^^^^^^
Agreed. Matt, you have some funny posts:-)
I have a question, possibly the vets may have some insight... or anyone, for that matter??
I noticed some differences in h about 2 yrs ago. They were subtle, but were there, and now-so more evident. For example, we went to a wedding about 2 years ago (my cousins) and my husband would not leave the table and wanted me to stay with him the whole time. He did not want to socialize with anyone, even though he knew and got along with everyone. I don't always get to see everyone, but had to stay at the table with him. We left early, because he wanted to go, and my kids stayed later having fun and came back with my parents. What's that tell you, when the kids and grandparents stay later having fun?! Ok, so that was just one of a few things. A few months after that is when all the things started getting really stressful around here (some explained in my first post). We spent about 9 months just surviving and stressed. Then, my h became very angry. He began raging and snapping at me and the kids (and my mom once). It was a couple months after this which was bd. The bomb was almost exactly one year after my nephews unexpected death (husband's nephew). As I stated before, he was very close with us. We took him on vacation, he would always come and stay with us. He and my h were very close, and my h was a role model to him, kind of like a dad. Interesting- hww is a year younger then my nephew would be- ewwwwww!
OK, now here is my concern. It will now be two years in October since my nephew's death. It was a few months prior to this that I saw some changes in h. The week of the accident (he was killed by a drunk driver on his way home from work- 5PM on a Monday), just a few days after, my husband actually discussed some of his childhood issues with his dad. I was surprised he did this, but he did express to him that he was hurt by the things his dad had done to him as a child. (Examples: h caught his dad cheating- in action!, d would leave h behind to go spend time with ow, ow moved in with h & his dad- h & ow did not get along- ow called police on h when he was a kid, they went to court, judge told h's dad he had to chose between ow and h. FIL walked out of courtroom, leaving h to be sent to a boy's home. Totally abandoned him! H's mom stepped up and took h in. They did not get along. MIL verbally and physically abused h as a child. That's just a snapshot...)
H seemed to think that fil felt bad about what he had done to h as a child. H always said he knows fil feels guilty. I don't see it. FIL is still very selfish, takes advantage of his own kids at any opportunity, rips them off with money, tries to get one over, lies, he's just gross. Probably the worst human I know. After their talk, h felt better, but the relationship did not change at all. Fil would be next door at h's brother's house and would not even come see h. It happened all the time.
My concern is, I think h tried to work through that a year before bd, but he has spiraled out of control, acting like his dad now! Does this mean he will stay stuck? I am very concerned form my kids sake. Maybe h realized, since the r didn't change with them, that his dad really didn't feel bad. He addressed it, but from what I see didn't work through it because it didn't fix things? I don't know. Any insight would be helpful.
I have more questions regarding kids and h's current relationship- now that I'm getting the blame for his damage, and his accusations of me is, "It's not right." Ha, so sorry Mr. Righteous!
Mighty,
They gradually go into MLC approximately 18-24 months before you actually get the BD. It is so gradual that you really don't pay that much attention to the changes until after things have transpired and then you can look back and see some of the changes and when they began.
From your posting, it sounds like your h was having some reflections on his past before the BD and some of them do think about the past as they begin their journey. I think he was trying to understand why he was confused about his life, etc. at that time, i.e., searching for answers and trying to understand why he felt the way that he did.
Will he remain stuck? No one knows because it is all up to him to face and deal w/his issues/demons and begin the healing process. If your h is strong and determined enough and can work through his crisis w/o a lot of interruptions, he may very well come out of it a more mature, settled man. Time will tell if he will be one of the pod people that remains stuck.
As for the children, has he become closer to one in particular? They generally will become best buds w/one child, the child that will not question/challenge what he's doing.
Continue to ask questions, dig deeper for patience and educate yourself on depression and MLC. Above all else, try to keep the focus on you and your children.
Thanks, Job! If only we had a crystal ball, right?
Here's a run-down of h's r with kids:
Moved in Dec to a cabin in another town. Was there until end of March. H saw kids every other weekend. We still did things as a fam through most of that time. H would come by house often and see kids and work out w s. Then h took weights and became more distant. Did not want to do things as a family.
Kids did not always want to go with h during that time, but h and I communicated about it and arranged it; I would just tell kids there were going.
April, h moved back into our town. I thought it was great bc he'd be able to help with kids more since I'd been doing all the chauffeuring, etc. NOPE! He became way more distant and stopped communicating with me about kids. He would contact them. And since I was the one who told them before, it really wasn't much of an option to go w their dad. But now, they would just tell him they didn't want to or they had plans. H said it was my fault, I explained that he should have communicated with me as I always encouraged them to be w h. Now I realize hww didn't like him communicating with me.
So, between April-June, d stayed with h once, from 8PM-8AM. Who can blame her? He set up a bedroom for s and d got the couch (futon in the living room). S would go see h when he was ticked off at me. S was going through a very rough time then, and when I would hold him accountable, he would have h come get him. H took kids for ice cream a couple times during this time, but that was about it. He was going to come get them one day for ice cream. I asked h to p/u d from practice and take her. Next thing I know, s is home (about 10 min after h picked him up) and put an ice cream sandwich in the freezer for d. I had to quick text another parent to grab my d from practice, bc h wouldn't answer phone. I asked later why he didn't get d nor answer phone. He said he was in a tanning bed and couldn't get her bc he had to go tanning (it was later that week he went on a cruise with hww and her son).
July-present: he has seen kids once. It was to tell them about his new life/hww/baby/house. He was with them for about 15 min (separately) and dropped them off for me to pick up the pieces. He didn't inform me he was telling them or check that I'd be home. He dropped a bomb on them and dropped them off to deal. They have not wanted to do anything with him since. He texts them all the time, unless they deny doing something with him. H then pouts for a day. Texting then ensues. H bought a PS4 to bribe s to come over.
H would spoil d. She could get anything she wanted from him. I would always say it wasn't good. She knew she could bc she even told me. (Prior to bd) Now, he will ask her to do something and she would say, can we go to the mall? That's the kind of r he created with her over the years. I didn't like it, but now- he does not either! D said, "what's he think he's my boyfriend?" I asked why. He told her she was using him. She feels bad telling him no to do things, but she really does not want to. She often does not respond to his texts. But, she is nice to him when she does communicate.
S does text him frequently, but does not want to do anything with him right now.
Last night h texted the kids something like: The whole day has passed and not one text or phone call from either of you. (H always initiates- he must have been testing them) Is someone telling you not to communicate with me? I have been trying to do things with you and you turn me down. If your mom is doing this, it is wrong. I will be here for you when you want to.
And there you have it. My kids have no reason to be upset with him, right? They are prisoners to my control. They don't have feelings and have no reason not to see him. It is simply me and my anger that I've wildly expressed towards him. I am using my children against him. He has done nothing AND HE IS THE ONE TO TELL US WHAT IS RIGHT FROM WRONG!
And there you have it, my friends. The thinking of a MLC-14-year-old-parent mentality.
Mighty,
They become paranoid and very guilty about what they are doing. In his case, he's not ready to look within and realize that the damage he's created w/his children is his own fault. Of course, you are to blame...who else can he point the finger at? It must be you....NOT! Your children are old enough to determine when and if they want to communicate w/him.
Right now, he's definitely a teenager and doesn't understand why his children really do not wish to be in contact w/him. He's got to grow up and he needs to figure out a way to "bond" w/his children. In fact, your children are most likely more mature than he is right now.
Continue to allow him to swing in the wind. Hopefully, in time, he'll settle down and continue to move along the MLC path.
Oh yeah, d does see h at her games when he goes, but that's it. And, he is upset about buying things for d now when she wants/needs anything bc he pays child support. He has not even given them dinner since February. He does not want to drive them anywhere or do anything that would cost him money. Only if it were something he were doing that were fun. He would take them to get ice cream before dinner bc it was fun and cheaper. This is TOTALLY something his dad would do- (minus ice cream- just not spend money on them or take care of them!) and that bothered him.
Thanks, Job. That's pretty much where I am at this point. My kids thinks he is bizarre-o! I told them to give it time and let him work out his drama. He will have to work to repair that relationship- starting with validating their feelings and hurt. My kids are old enough now to handle that. I just focus on my r with them and let him clean up his mess.
Thanks for the insight and support! I value it very much!
FYI there's a lot out there these days about " parental alienation" ...deliberate efforts on the part of one parent to turn the children against the other. I'm sure it happens, but the trick in a case like yours is to keep your nose clean so that you can't be falsely accused.
You might need to go so far as to let ex know that you are trying to encourage the kids to see him. Sadly there's a fine line between encouraging them to see him and making them feel like they have to accept his behavior.
On a related note....I once mentioned to my 21 year old son that his father and his thirty-something fiancee (now wife) might theoretically try for a pregnancy (she was not OW, they started dating about a year after he left). My son was horrified by the idea. He felt like he would be forced into a relationship with another sibling that he didn't want. (I'm sure there was also an unspoken anger at the thought of being replaced).
So even at his age just the thought of it was a big deal. I can only imagine how much harder it is for your kids.
Hi mighty. . I have been following along but just got caught up on your whole thread and wanted to throw my support into the ring.
I have also been looking back lately at missed signs. I believe the final stressor for my h was my cancer scare but I now trace signs back to when his uncle died about 18 mos earlier. At that point he spent a lot of time hoarding things from his uncle housr that had belonged to his grandfather and really talking about grandfather being the only one who understood him.
I also often (not so much anymore ) think about if my h will be one of the ones who gets stuck. He is still so miserable yet, he supposedly has what he wanted. Except for, never seeing me. BUT I am certainly not forcing him to stay on our house.
Anyway you are doing great coming here and asking questions. Keep it up. And I will keep following your sitch